Rebuilding After Divorce with Nichole Banks

Today's guest is a divorce recovery coach, public speaker, author and host of the “Nichole Banks Podcast”, whether you are rebuilding after divorce or just in need of some tools for overcoming a fear of failure. This episode with Nichole is definitely for you, putting yourself first and making yourself a priority is one of Nichole's passions. Her slogan is “dare to begin”, and that is what this “rebuilding after divorce” interview will guide you towards. So answer that challenge and join us for “Call IT in With Dar episode 33 with our guest, Nichole Banks! 

Transcript

Speaker Dar 

Today's guest is a divorce recovery coach, public speaker, author and host of the “Nichole Banks Podcast”, whether you are rebuilding after divorce or just in need of some tools for overcoming a fear of failure. This episode with Nichole is definitely for you, putting yourself first and making yourself a priority is one of Nichole's passions. Her slogan is “dare to begin”, and that is what this “rebuilding after divorce” interview will guide you towards. So answer that challenge and join us for “Call IT in With Dar episode 33 with our guest, Nichole Banks! Welcome Nichole. I'm so excited to have you with me today. 

Speaker Nichole 

Thank you so much. 

Speaker Dar  

Let's start out before we dive into our topic of rebuilding after divorce, let's talk a little bit about where you are now and how you came to be at this point. 

 Speaker Nichole 

Absolutely Well, I first and foremost. Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here. I know Divorce isn't easy, and one of the things that I did is I've gone through two of them, so the first one, just a short bio of who I am and what I'm about, is I grew up Jehovah Witness and a very strict religion, and it was, you know, my parents, my mom, especially my mom, was the one that was the driving force of the Religion in the whole household. So very strict, no dating, no worldly outside world influences those kinds of things. And so when I graduated from high school, I went north. I went to Portland and enrolled in Portland State University, and about six months later, came home pregnant. So I was a single mom, outcasted from the religion because I chose to live that worldly life. And when I came home, of course, you know, I had to jump back into religion and things such as that. At one point, my dad had said to me, you know, you need to get married. You need to find someone who's going to be stable, you know, has finances, who's going to love your daughter as much as you love her, someone who can support you more financially, and, you know, materially, than anything else. So my dad happened to find a guy that was based in the religion, and we met and married within three months of the day, and it wasn't what I wanted. It wasn't who I was. I was playing this role to appease my parents. It just, you know, I knew on my wedding day that it was not the right he was. He's a good guy. Don't get me wrong. Darla, we've all met those good guys, right? Mm, hmm. But he Yeah, but he was not my good guy. So after a year of having conversations with my ex-husband and just, this is what I need, and this is what I want, it was five years later that I divorced, and with that divorce came, you know, being excommunicated from the church. It's called disfellowshipping as a Jehovah Witness, and it was the most freeing thing I have ever felt. I was proud, I was honored, and I was excited to live my life with my daughter the way I wanted to the choices that I wanted. So then comes the guy that I got to choose. We met at a dealership. I was an employee at the dealership when he was a manager there. And to make a very long story short, he and I do air quotes. If you could see me now, it was complicated, and what I mean by that is he had luggage. He had his bags, right? He had an ex-wife, actually two. He had children, all the things, but he tickled my fancy. He excited me. He was smart, he was witty, he was charming. He was putting me on a pedestal that I have never experienced before. So I look back at that, at that vulnerability. Listen, we have all been there. I don't care what age we are, if we're coming from a vulnerable place, it is not the right time to be dating men. Can I say that out loud? So I feel like he was my prince charming. And one of the things that I took a hold of was because he was my choice, I knew I had to make this work. Does that make sense? 

Speaker Dar  

Oh yes, 

 Speaker Nichole  

yeah. So what I did was I was slow into the movement of you know, he talked about marriage and I had just been divorced, you know, about four years prior, and I was all about just taking care of my baby girl. But the reality is, we married seven years later, and we had issues right away with infidelity on his end, because, remember, I had mentioned that he was smart and funny and charming, and those three things happen to be toxic chemistry, because it attracts women, right? We're attracted to that, especially if we're being put upon a pedestal, if we've never experienced that before. And so it was one of those things where I kind of.  I had that gut feeling, that gut intuition of Something's just not right. You know, maybe dressing a little different, staying out a little longer. But the reality is, he continued to have these affairs. I would find out about them. We'd have conversations. We went to counseling, all those things. And then what happened was I had enough. I found out about another affair, and I literally had enough. That was it. That was a drawing point. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. And I started looking at myself, going, why is this happening? Why do I continue it? Why is this happening? And it really was because I had no boundaries. I didn't even really understand what they were. Now, listen for those Gen Xers out there, right? I'm a Gen Xer, Gen, Gen Xers, and people prior to us, that particular generation, we really don't know what boundaries were. They were house rules. They were mom said, or dad's Dad's gonna get mad if you they weren't really boundaries. The communication level of boundaries weren't really, you know, interpreted or communicated. So I didn't really know what a boundary was, but they did not exist in this second marriage. And so at one point I had to stand my ground and say, enough is enough. You're no longer cheating on me. So that is how I became a divorce coach, a divorce recovery coach. I don't give legal advice. I'm not an attorney, I'm not a counselor, I'm not a therapist. I am a coach that I Yes, I'm a certified coach, but I have driven off of my own experiences and my own lessons in life, and I love who I am today, and there's more to it, but that is the gist of how I am. I've gotten to where I am. 

 Speaker Dar 

Wow. Thank you for sharing your story, and I'm sitting here and my audience might not realize that I have that same having to build after divorce, the single parenting story, and again, I can identify with you that I just plain jumped right back into the dating cycle a little bit too soon, and followed the same pattern, the same type of guy. I also had a problem with his infidelity. Yeah. So without breaking client confidentiality? Can you share a few interesting cases that you've worked with besides your own, your own that sounds really interesting? 

 Speaker Nichole 

 Yeah, absolutely. So one of my clients, when she came to me, she was actually dating three married men at the same time. And it's one of those things where I literally will my jaw didn't drop, because I've been a coach since 2015 and I've heard a lot of stories. I also host women's retreats for divorce recovery, and in those retreats, the ladies drop down their guard, and they release the things that have held on for so long. They've held on to these emotions, these thoughts, these feelings, for so long, and they get an opportunity to just let it go. And it's healing, it's a release, it's an amazing process, but I've heard throughout the years these stories. But one particular client that I'm referring to came to me while she was dating three married men, three unavailable married men at the same time. That's a lot of men, first and foremost. The second thing I was saying is just that is reality is it's like we had to figure out why this was happening, and vulnerability came into play. But what we did is we, you know, talked about her awareness, and she really just wants to be loved. She has such low self-esteem, low self-confidence, there is nothing in regards to her worth whatsoever, and we really just needed to strip her of the toxic relationship she had and rebuild the confidence, the self-worth, the value, and actually let her see for herself she holds a lot of value, and to this day, she is beautiful inside and out. She's gained confidence. She feels stronger than ever. She has boundaries set like, you know, if you're married, don't even look my way. And so some of your audience may go, I'm. My God, I can't even get a guy. How can she get three married men? Well, first and foremost, there are so many different kinds of, you know, apps and websites that you can get on, and when you have low self-esteem and you feel vulnerable, you're willing to accept anything. So she comes from a desperate state of mind. I need it. I have to have, I am desperate, and am willing, right? You have to also be willing. And so you take someone who's not emotionally available, like a married man, who's going to wine and dine you for those three hours that he gets to visit, or you visit him, and she was running with it, right? And then before long, she continued to have that need. I need to feel loved. I need to feel lovable, even if it's three hours with one guy on a Friday night and three hours with another guy on Saturday night. So she was juggling three men at a time and getting over someone who hurt her heart. Her heart shattered her feelings, and literally, was trying to replace that main guy, the guy that just, you know, shattered her. And so she was chasing and chasing it big time. But today, I am so proud of her. She's done some amazing work. She's not dating. She's actually taking care of herself, making herself a priority. And that's the biggest key. Once you make yourself a priority, if love is something that you are looking for outside of yourself, because here's what I feel Darla, and I know from my experience and my coaching that you have to love you first. Now, let me just back up one second, because your audience may have some religious seekers, and I absolutely have nothing wrong with that. If you believe that your God is, you need to put him first. Okay, I respect that. But next comes you. One of the things I know about women is that we are more than happy to put everybody else right, our partners, our siblings, our parents, our children, our neighbors, our community, everybody first. And the reality is is we've got to put ourselves first. Now, no, it's not selfish. It's the right thing to do. It's the only thing to do. So stop if you are multitasking. Come back to me and listen to what I am saying. The minute you put yourself first, everything else will come into play. And here's the reason why you cannot pour from an empty cup. You can't. You can try, but it's not 100% you as women, we take a lot of pride in how we do things and what we're doing for people. When was the last time you did that for yourself?  So I love that she is, you know, my client is doing exactly that. She's picking out colors for her bedroom, as we speak, because she's reinventing her bedroom, and I absolutely am so excited. So she's come a long way. It's been a lot of work, but I tell you what, her future is amazing and looks so bright. Now I want to share someone with you who I just adore, to a past client of mine who had a beautiful relationship with her husband, and they were married 32 years, and they owned some franchises, some fast-food franchises. So they were extremely wealthy, or still are extremely wealthy, and he had issues with infidelity. He continued to cheat on her, and my client was absolutely 100% devastated and numb and frozen in the numbness. Can't believe the shock of all the plans, future plans. She was a stay-at-home mom with three beautiful girls, like life was not looking like this when she had met and married him, after four years of going through this extremely difficult divorce, she got it. She got half. She got half of everything he continued to say was not her. She didn't earn it. So rebuilding confidence and being able to say, You know what, I am a priority, whether you like it or not, I am a priority. And so this particular client of mine is happily in love. She put herself first and started to realize the list that she had in high school is not the same list of a guy that checks all the boxes that you have as an adult, right, right? So she is happily in love now. Now, whether she gets married or not, that's her choice, and I don't know if.  I don't know what she's going to do, but she became a grandmother during all of this, and she's, she's just living large. She's absolutely the happiest she has ever been, and she's very, very sweet. And we still do monthly calls just to catch up and check on her and how life is. And you know, she's driven right like I. I didn't realize I had such ambition in me, but I'm, I'm wanting to do things. I said, get a girl, let's go. So those are two of my clients that I feel are just amazing success stories, and I have so many more, but those are the ones where you sit there and you go, Wow, do I have an opportunity to really grow, or do I have an opportunity, opportunity to stay stuck, and these women chose themselves, but the first step was just making a call, right? 

 Speaker  Dar 

Yes, and that is a difficult step when you're feeling all those emotions. 

  Speaker Nichole   

It really is and I will have to say that that's probably one of the biggest things that Well, I know for sure … I've written a book, and it's in my book, but all the lessons that I have learned, the first for myself was simply not putting myself first, and then the second was simply not Asking for help when I needed it the most. 

  Speaker  Dar 

Yeah, yes, those are two big lessons that I can identify with. I also want to accentuate what you said, Nichole, where, where you said, it's not selfish, and to put yourself first, and I like to say it's not selfish, it's self-love, and that's at the core of feeling worthy and living a full life. 

Speaker Nichole 

 I totally agree, you know. And the thing is, it's like everybody says, self care, self care, self care. Yes, taking yourself out of the equation of doing everything else for everybody else. Listen, life is going to continue to go on. So if someone says, Hey, can you do me a favor, and you have a massage appointment scheduled, or you have a meditation or you're in the middle of a book, prioritizing yourself and self care is understanding that that is extremely important, but if we don't implement the boundaries, listen, This is my appointment for my own self care. It's a priority to me being able to communicate your boundary by saying, hey, you know what? I would be more than happy to but can we do it after this appointment? Right?  And a lot of women will say, Oh my gosh. You know, it's my you know, I don't get asked very often. Or it's my neighbor. She really needs me. Okay, I would ask yourself to challenge yourself with this question, Have I given myself self care first? And the reason I say that is because, again, it is not selfish. So can I tell you a little story about a workshop that I did 

 Speaker  Dar 

That'd be great. 

Speaker Nichole

So, I am a public speaker. And we were in an I was at an assembly, a conference for women, and we had, I had given the analogy, and you've probably, ladies have probably heard this before about how you need to put your oxygen mask on before tending to anyone else if you're in an airplane emergency, right? That's the flight attendant giving you the instructions on how to use your seat belt. Then you know, the lights will light up on the runway, on the floor of the plane. In case of emergency, the mask will come down. And I said that as an example. I mean, we hear it all the time, but do you really do it now? One of the participants, excuse me, one of the participants had said, You know what? I have a beef with this, that I'm calling BS on this. I'm like, Oh, okay. And I said, Well, let's talk about it. She goes, I would never allow my son not to have an oxygen mask. And I said, Well, first and foremost, we're not referring to not allowing, we're asking you that you put yours on first. And she goes, Well, that just doesn't make sense. And I said, How does that not make sense? And she goes, that is my child. I would do everything for my child. And I said, Do you think your child deserves the best, and it doesn't have to be the best, but do you think your child deserves, deserves good? She says, Absolutely. She says, I said, let's walk through this. I said, What happens if you put the oxygen mask on your child and you faint?  And she says, Oh, well, I mean, hopefully he is able to get help. I'm sharing that with her, because the reality is, it's like, listen, you're an adult. You have cognitive thinking outside the box. You can advocate for help, you can, you can pick up the child and carry them off the plane. You know what I'm saying? I mean, there's so many different things. What happens if you're bleeding? Will the child know to put pressure on that wound? Will the child be able to advocate for you? I'm showing that because there's a difference in wisdom, and you know, we have to get it through our heads. It's okay to take care of us first, and your family and loved ones will be happier that you've done that. And here's the reason why, when you're exhausted, there's so many different attributes that come with exhaustion, right? You're exhausted. You're not thinking clearly.   So when you're not taking care of yourself, you basically become You're overthinking, you're overwhelmed, you're over anxiety. All the things become illuminated, right? It's like 1000 fold. Then all of a sudden you become this crank monster. You're cranky, you're snapping, you're demanding, you're short, all the things now is that a loving household? Yes, it is still a loving household, because you're doing everything for them. But imagine you having energy and a positive mindset, and your tone is lovely in a mannerism in which it cradles and coddles your loved ones, as opposed to Ooh, you better tread lightly. Mom's in a cranky mood or Grandma's not happy right now, I'm just sharing that with you, because I think a lot of times we take on the role of this has to be done this way. And if you put yourself first, and have an opportunity to put yourself first, then you get to love them even more so. And your family will love that your neighbors will love that your community will love that I love this analogy, and when the lady in the audience happened to see it. It was literally, it was the weirdest thing. It literally was like a light bulb clicked for her, and she went, Oh my gosh. Have I been missing out? I said exactly the minute you put yourself first, which is a priority, that self-love, that self care. It is so, so important. I also think that a lot of people go, Oh, it's too expensive. Self Care is self love is not expensive. You can do expensive things like a massage, a facial, a trip, whatever, if your budget allows it. But there's so many other things self care comes into play. And I'm going to share real quick morning routine, and it's all about self care. The first thing I do is I have my cup of coffee on my nightstand. I pick up my journal, I write my intent for the day. I get up, I do a 20-minute yoga right on the right next to my nightstand in my bed, right just sun salutations. It's a nice stretch for my back. Then I will put in my pods and I listen to 10 minutes of personal development. That is my time. Everybody knows that's my time between seven and eight. Do not talk to me. Do not communicate with me. Don't text me. Don't send me a message. I'm not going to be there. I am literally checked out. Now I do this 365 days of the year, so it doesn't matter if I'm at my daughter's house or if I'm in Hawaii, this is what I do, and it clears my mental, emotional and physical and spiritual well being. And I'm a big believer in taking care of your whole well. Being   

Speaker Dar  

beautiful. Thanks for sharing your root, your morning, your routine with us. I have shared mine on various occasions as well. And again, that's self care. 

 Speaker  Nichole 

I don't think there was any, you know, dollar figures involved with that, and unless you are renting some music on an app or something, but otherwise, that sounded like a very inexpensive morning to me 

 Speaker Dar  

Yes. It is a good example that self care doesn't have to cost money. I mentioned I was in divorce recovery, and I actually did step out, ask for help, go to some retreats, follow a program, but I wanted to talk about one of my strongest emotions, and that was the fear of failure with a failed marriage. And I think some people, if they're like me,  They stay way beyond the point of the marriage failing Absolutely, even, even my take, you know, physical, sexual, verbal abuse.  And I was hoping you would talk just a little bit about that fear of failure and some of the things that you coach people through? 

 Speaker Nichole

Yeah, absolutely. So fear of failure holds a lot of people back. I mean, it can hold you back in a relationship, or freeing yourself of a toxic relationship, you know, and it's so interesting, because I also feel like sometimes the relationship doesn't even have to be toxic to have fear of failure   the relationship. Listen, we're human. Men grow differently. Women Grow differently. And sometimes when we're together, we grow apart. And that's okay. Be okay with that. That's okay. I'd rather be in a growing relationship for myself personally than just being stagnant, and because, you know what, life's too short. We have to live it. I say dare to begin. That is my tag on everything that I do and believe in. Dare to begin living your life the way you want to live it. So if you're in a relationship. Now, listen, here's the other thing too. I'm not saying go and get divorced. I'm just saying it doesn't have to be in a toxic relationship, to be divorced, okay? And we know that, right? We know the numbers. We know that. But the fear of failure in a divorce can weigh very heavily. It can be very exhausting, tiring, right? And when I always say you're carrying extra weight, I always try to put that visual of 25 pounds of potatoes on the left shoulder and on the right shoulder. Now, every time you let go of an emotion or process an emotion, or release the weight of an emotion, envision someone taking a potato out of one of your bags. Okay, so everybody can see the potatoes eventually, once you've worked through the inner work and have done the work on yourself, you're not carrying anything, maybe a potato or two. But you know what the reality is, it's a lot easier to walk around in life with a potato or two than 50 pounds of full sacks, right? So the idea behind the fear of failure is, what inside of you are your thoughts? What are your internal thoughts of failure, of fear? What are they? Because that will drive your feelings when you're scared of something, you retreat, you hold back. Right? Your action behind holding back is you're not, you know, stepping up. You're not out inventing, you know, out looking for other things. You're just in this position that literally can freeze you. And then your results are not exactly what you had planned. You end up staying in the relationship five years later, 10 years later, 25 years later, you're still in this relationship. So how do you get through that? You have to change your thoughts. You have to change and challenge those negative thoughts. You're not You're too old to find new love. Bs, we need to change the thought part pattern if you think you're too old to find love, right? Challenge that, who told you you're too old?  That's the first question I would ask. Who told you you're too old? Was it someone who's on your side, supporting you and loving you and conditioning you the way you are and accepting you for the way you are. Or was it someone who isn't your friend, isn't supportive, maybe doesn't even know you. They just look at you go, Ah, you're too old.  So the first thing I always would recommend is awareness. Become aware. Are you thinking these thoughts? And if you are thinking these thoughts, then challenge them. And then redivert, you know, like, refocus on a positive thought. I am older, but I'm choosing wiser this time. Doesn't that sound lovely compared to when you're too old to find love? 

  Speaker Dar  

Yes, and I, I have a word for that flipping this, or a phrase for that, flipping the script,  

Speaker  Nichole 

absolutely and we have to do that if we don't, if we're not flipping the script, I'm telling you, we end up staying in the same position. And if you're happy there. Now here's the other thing too, right? If you're happy there, I'm excited for you. Let's go, ladies, if you're happy there, but if you're not happy in the situation or the circumstance. Yes, change your script, flip your script, do what you need to do to make it make sense for you. Making yourself a priority is huge. 

 Speaker Dar  

And I love your tagline. “Dare to begin!” 

 Speaker Nichole  

Yeah, it usually is the first step. It usually is the first step. It's just taking that first step. If you don't take the first step, then you stay where you are, and that's okay if you're happy, but if you're not happy, here's the other thing. And I know you all have heard this before, if nothing changes, nothing changes  

Speaker  Dar 

absolutely…well, I'm sure by now our audience is thinking, oh, I want to hear more of what Nichole has to say and how she works with people. So tell us a little bit about your podcast and your book and coaching. Yeah, yes. Talk about yourself and what you have to offer for a while. 

 Speaker Nichole  

Well, thank you for the opportunity and the platform. I sure do appreciate it. Darla, so first and foremost, my podcast is my name, so the Nichole Banks podcast, and I'm really helping divorced  women recover emotionally. I am a Gen Xer. So we talk about Gen X things, all women are welcome. Of course, it's one of those things where I enjoy podcasting. I think it's a great outlet. And my ladies and my listeners, I'm just it's always with a grateful heart that they're there. I do have a book coming out. It is how to navigate heartache, healing and love after divorce. This will be out on the 25th of November of 2024 so excited. So hopefully you guys get an opportunity to pick that up. It actually goes into my story a little deeper, and how I really felt imprisoned in my own head prior to actually walking through real bars. So my story is in that book, and how I became stronger for that experience. And then the thing that I would offer to your listeners is to go to my website, Nichole banks.com, don't forget, I do spell my name with an H, so it's Nichole n, i, C, H, O, L, E, banks, B, A, n, k, s.com, and there's a quiz on the main page. And the quiz question is simply this, are you ready to find love? So if you're single, feel free to jump to the website, take the quiz and really be truthful. It's a very simple quiz. Takes less than two minutes, it's five questions. You get multiple choice answers, and I will give you a personalized result. And the ladies who are taking it are are really giggling about it, because they're like, oh my god, it’s just so true that you know once, once you realize, if you're ready to put yourself out there, and you can actually do it if you're not ready, then let's take a look at what we need to do to make that make sense. Um, I do offer one on one coaching for your listeners. Of course, I'm more than happy. Just mentioned the podcast, and what I can do is a 15-minute free consultation. With that 15-minute free consultation, I guarantee you, you will walk away with your next step on what you should be doing in your life. So thank you so much for the platform. I appreciate that  

Speaker  Dar 

you're welcome, and I'm just going to throw out your tagline again, ladies, let's “dare to begin”.  So is there anything else in your heart that you're called to share before we depart 

Speaker Nichole 

. You know, I'm going to follow up on that tag as well, dare to begin. It really is your first step. You know, everything that you want, ladies, everything you want, is on the other side of fear.  So once you take that first step, you can't take it back. There's only one first step, right? So just envision opening up the door, stepping outside one step, you’re halfway there. It's the craziest thing. It doesn't have to be perfect. No one said it has to be perfect. And I'm going to ask you to challenge that thought. Who told you that the next guy has to be perfect? Who told you your business has to be perfect? Who told you you have to look perfect? Who told you to be perfect? Who told you that challenge that thought? Because the reality is it doesn't and I'd much rather have non perfection and start something than not at all. So you think about how the world would be different if someone would just dare to begin what they really want in life. Right? We would have many more podcasters. We would have millions of authors. We would have, you know, scholars and teachers and different presidents. I mean, there's so many different things that one person said, You know what? Today's the day I'm going to dare to begin. So the follow up behind that is simply taking care of you and all of you, your well beings. And there's four of them, right? Your mental well being, which thoughts, your emotional well being is the heart, your physical well being, which is you and your spiritual well being, if you need that for the support, right? I don't condone the spiritual if that's what you need, go for it. But all four of them, in balance, are amazing to you. Can you do it? Of course, you can dare to begin. 

 Speaker  Dar 

Dare to begin. Thank you so much for today. 

 Speaker  Nichole 

Thank you. I appreciate it.  

Transcribed by https://otter.ai