Winding Up Not Down In Midlife with Dr. Trina Read

Who says midlife is the beginning of the end? What if it's actually the beginning of a new chapter—one filled with deeper connection, greater confidence, and the freedom to rediscover parts of yourself you may have forgotten? Today on Call IT in With Dar, we're talking about a subject that many women think about but few feel comfortable discussing: intimacy after the honeymoon years. 

My guest is Dr. Trina Read, an award-winning Canadian sexologist, bestselling author, and educator who has spent more than 25 years helping women in long-term relationships rediscover connection, confidence, and pleasure. Dr. Trina believes that midlife isn't about winding down—it's about winding up in a whole new way. 

In today's conversation, we'll explore why intimacy often changes as we age, the importance of feeling emotionally safe and truly desired, and how honest communication can breathe new life into even the longest relationships. 

Whether you've been married for decades, are starting over, or simply want to better understand yourself, this episode offers a refreshing, empowering perspective on what it means to flourish in midlife. “Let's Call IT in!” 

Transcript

Who says midlife is the beginning of the end? 

What if it's actually the beginning of a new chapter—one filled with deeper connection, greater confidence, and the freedom to rediscover parts of yourself you may have forgotten? 

Today on Call IT in With Dar, we're talking about a subject that many women think about but few feel comfortable discussing: intimacy after the honeymoon years. 

My guest is Dr. Trina Read, an award-winning Canadian sexologist, bestselling author, and educator who has spent more than 25 years helping women in long-term relationships rediscover connection, confidence, and pleasure. Dr. Trina believes that midlife isn't about winding down—it's about winding up in a whole new way. 

In today's conversation, we'll explore why intimacy often changes as we age, the importance of feeling emotionally safe and truly desired, and how honest communication can breathe new life into even the longest relationships. 

Whether you've been married for decades, are starting over, or simply want to better understand yourself, this episode offers a refreshing, empowering perspective on what it means to flourish in midlife. Let's call it in! 

Speaker Dar  

Welcome, Dr. Trina. I'm so excited to have you with me today, and our topic: “winding up, not down in midlife.” This is just right in accordance with what I always love to talk about, so let's kick off with you telling us a little bit about yourself and how you got into the work you do. 

Speaker Trina 

Well, I'm a Canadian sexologist, and for 25 years, I've helped women in long-term relationships thrive after the honeymoon stage is over, so you will find that if you go onto Instagram, there's a lot of people who are sex experts that are helping different types. You know, L B T L B T type what G L B T Q I A and you know you know different types, but there's not a lot of experts talking about the average woman in the average relationship. And so, you know, you've met your person, you love your person, and now you need to you know be with that person, you know, inside and outside the bedroom. And how do you make that a wonderful, juicy experience for both of you. 

Speaker Dar  

Oh, I love that! And like, let's just dive right in. How can midlife women get in touch with their own needs? Many women are used to being the giver, and how can we become more of a receiver? 

Speaker Trina  

Well, that's the million-dollar question. If I if I've been doing for 25 years, I have been beating the same drum, and so I would say if there was, you know, one thing that was stopping millions, maybe billions, of couples from having the intimacy that they want and desire-it's two things, and that is, one, women don't ask for the pleasure that she wants, and the second thing is, women don't know how to lean into the pleasure that she asked for, so these two things, you know. So what tends to happen for a lot of couples is they learn a way to have intimacy, and this way is not a bad way, but it is very male centric. So it's very about making sure that your male partner's pleasure is satiated and satisfied. And I would say, you know, in the first two years that we are coupled with somebody, this way of having intimacy absolutely works. But then, you know, once life takes over and those love drugs, those honeymoon thing drugs that we are, we have, they dissipate, and we're just with this person, and you know, we're our libido is fractured because we've got stress going on. You know, all these things are happening. We can't rely on our libido anymore. Suddenly, this way of having intimacy stops working for so many women, but they're at a place. This couple generally is at a place where they're not communicating. So you know it's astonishing that people can spend 25 years plus with one person and share their bodies, but never once share their words. So you know there's no communication, and you know the way this is the way this intimacy is going. It just it's not satisfying for her, but she doesn't know how to express that, so she keeps going along, and maybe you know a lot of people they get stuck in performing where they're you know putting on a performance for their partner, both men and women, and you know so a lot of women get stuck in the faking it, and they're performing. And the more they are doing this, the more disassociated from their bodies they become. So you know pleasure becomes even more difficult for them to obtain, and you know, you know, after about you know, you know, a few years of going into this type of intimacy that you know she's not crazy about, she goes from you know anticipating sex in in a positive way. So, like you know, when they first start dating, and you know they're in the love stages of newness. You know, there's a really high and loving anticipation of having intimacy with this person. But then, as the years pass, Pass, and she's not able to express that she needs and wants something different. That turns into a negative anticipation, and so it, you know, because her mindset has shifted so significantly, suddenly, you know, the before, middle, and end of intimacy becomes something like this, this very negative mindsets. Like, so intimacy is initiated, and she's like, "Oh, I don't want it. I don't feel like it. Not now. Why? Like, why? I'd rather watch my show. Like, I'm just not interested in this. And then, while things are happening, the majority of women who are in long-term relationships experience what's called a delayed sexual response, meaning it will take her a moment to you know 10 sorry 15 to 20 minutes to move from her head and into her arousal. And I think every woman who's listening to this has had this experience where you know like she's in the middle of things and she just can't leave her head, and you know because for the average couple research shows that intercourse tends to last 10 to 15 minutes and her delayed sexual response is about 15 to 20 minutes. You know things are just wrapping up with intercourse and she's finally moving from her head into her body, and then the sex is over. And I think we've all experienced that too. So you know, there. So she's dealing with you know. So she's walking into intimacy, going, I don't feel like this.  During intimacy, she's in her head in her delayed sexual response, and then after intimacy, she you know if you know she wasn't able to you know she was just catching up to everything, she might just think that was such a waste of my time. So you know if she has to go through this pattern too often, she becomes resentful, and then eventually, if that if that nothing is done with that resentment, she becomes apathetic. And there is nothing that can kill a libido faster than being apathetic about sex. So I've talked to hundreds, maybe 1000s of women who say, you know, I don't care if I ever have sex again. It's just I'm just not a sexual person. Well, you are. It's just you're not having the type of sex that is suitable and what you need. You're having a type of sex where you need to wrap yourself into pretzels, and you know it's about making sure your partner's pleasure is done, but not yours. So, and on the other side of this, the one thing I do know for sure is our partners want to know. So we, so women in general, and I'm not sure where this comes from. You know, I honestly don't know where this comes from. Where we're just so scared to say what we want to our partner, and our partner is on the other side saying, "Please tell me. I want to know. You know, if your partner, if your partner could have an engaged and willing participant by just making a few tweaks in the bedroom, they're like they are so on board, and you know, I and I and I say this to women, and I think they understand it theoretically. That yes, of course, my partner wants me to be pleased. They want me to be satisfied. Of course, they do. But you know, standing up for themselves and saying, you know, I need something different is it just seems like almost an impossible task. So you know, when I look at my career, what I've done in my career is simply to advocate for women to say you know it's okay to want something different. It's okay to want something more. It's okay to say to your partner, you know what we're doing. It's okay. There's nothing wrong with what we're doing, and I need something more and different from this experience in order for me to be satisfied. Does that make sense? 

Speaker Dar 

Yes, this is so insightful, and you know you've worked with 1000s of women. So, I would just guess that a large percentage of them do have trouble leaving their head and being present with their partner. Is that a true statement? 

Speaker Dr. Trina 

Yeah. Well, for sure. And I would say the reason that every sex expert under the sun says, you know, foreplay, foreplay, foreplay is that's the 10-15, minutes that women need to settle down from you know being out of her brain and getting into her body, and unfortunately, when we think about foreplay, it's turned into the. She comes first, so it's not really foreplay. It's just about making sure that she gets her satisfaction in. But the irony is that, you know, women who are in this delayed sexual response-it's almost impossible-not impossible, but it's it's incredibly difficult for them to orgasm because her body, she's just not into her body, and if she is able to orgasm, it's more mechanical. It's more like it's an automatic reaction to stimulation. It's like a sneeze, where you know there's no emotional attachment to this. It's just something that her body is doing. So, I would say that you know a lot of women, what they need from the sexual experience, is more sensuality. So there's a few things that women need, and they're mostly to do outside the bedroom. So, you know, in order for women to completely let go and just let her freak flag fly, say that fast really five times, let her freak flag fly is to yeah is for her to feel safe. So when she feels safe within this, you know, coupling, and you know she's going. It's it's so much easier for her to relax and and you know telling your partner you know in order for me to have better sex I need to feel safe is a pretty nebulous thing, but you know if you take a look at you know what men and women look like to you know feeling safe, you know. So generally, not all men, but a lot of men. When they, when you think, when you say, "I need to feel safe, they're going to be like, "Okay, I'll check the locks. I'm going to make sure that you are protected. And you know, so they're thinking, you know, what's the environment, and how can I make it? But when what she's saying is, I need to be able to feel vulnerable with you and you not reject me, that safety. So, women need to feel safe, and she needs to. And here's the thing that a lot of couples, including myself, fall down on. You know, once you get into your partnership, you stop desiring each other. So, you know, when we're in a new relationship, one of the reasons that it's so juicy is that we're constantly desiring each other. You know, like I, you know,  I love the way you look. I love the way you feel. Like, constantly, there's a lot of, you know, handsy manipulation. Like your hands are all over your partner. Like there's this feeling that you're being your partner desires you, and women need to feel desired by their partner. And when she's not getting that, she's not going. You know, she's not going to be as excited to go into the bedroom. But you know, if outside the bedroom her partner's like, "Oh my gosh, that you look great in that outfit, you know, going up to her and you know squeezing her and kissing her in ways that do not lead to intimacy. So, like a lot of women, as soon as her partner touches them, they 've gotten into the bad habit of thinking, oh, he's touching me. They must want intimacy, you know. So when you set up the rules that you know outside the bedroom, we're doing a lot of touching and hugging and flirty things with each other, suddenly when she goes into the bedroom, that delayed sexual response shortens. You know she's not so much in her head because there were all these things that accumulated over the week or month or whatever that you know she can feel that her partner is desiring her and you know she feels a little safer to be vulnerable with them in that moment. I hope that makes sense. 

Speaker Dar 

Yeah. So the need to feel safe, or that they can let their guard down and be vulnerable, and then the need to be desired would be another need. And the reason why I'm repeating those is because the women I've worked with, I know they don't even realize what they need because they're really busy meeting everyone else's needs. So let me put it that way. 

Speaker Trina 

Yeah, and I also feel like when a woman turns 40, she starts producing less oxytocin. So oxytocin is our mending and mending and tending hormone, and I find that this is the the switch when you know when she stops producing as much oxytocin, she stops focusing as much on other people's needs and starts focusing. On her own, so I know. I think we all know women who hit 50, and they're like, you know what? I'm going to do what I want to do. So you know, I'm going to take up yoga. I'm going to, you know, I'm going to do something that I've always wanted to do. I'm going to travel the world. I'm going to do this thing, and she stops having to tend people as much, and so this is a great opportunity to say, okay, so you can focus a little bit more on yourself. You don't have to fix everybody or tend to everybody. So, what can you, you know, what if you were to think about the best bedroom experience for you, what would that look like? And honestly, women do not know how to answer that question because they've never been asked that question. And so, if we had 100 women in the room right now, and we asked 100 women, you know, what do you want out of the bedroom experience? Only one of the 100 might be able to say what she wanted, but the rest would not, and so I think that's a big part of the equation. If you know you know if you could have the best possible scenario of what would delight you in the bedroom, you know what would that look like? And it tends to be all about sensuality. So you know your partner gives you a full body massage with no happy ending. So you know the women want the massage, but they don't necessarily want the happy ending. And I think you know part of this woman. asking for what she wants is to to understand that sometimes intimacy is going to be about what your partner wants, and sometimes it's going to be about what you want, and you know, setting your boundaries and saying you know, you know, I, I want you to give me a massage, and that's all I want. And, you know, I feel like those are hard words for women to say. But yet, when you actually say them, your partner is probably going to be okay, no problem. You know, because if they know, you know, that that's going to help you become more of a sensual and sexual person, they're absolutely going to be on board with it. 

Speaker Dar 

That is a great example. I was just like you throughout that whole example. So let's talk about the free gift that you have available for our audience because I'm sure they're willing to learn more here. 

Speaker Trina 

Yeah. So my award-winning workbook is called “You & Me Bed Now” It is a five-step program that takes women from being unable to ask for what she wants to her asking for what she wants and then leaning into the pleasure she asked for, and it's in very plain, non-academic language, and there's a lot of good exercises in it, you know, and it's so I've I the free gift is it's a sample of this workbook. So I have a little bit from each chapter, just little chunks from each chapter to give the viewers, you know, is this to let them know if this is something that interests them or not? You know, like you know, I think the five-step program is pretty groovy, and it may or may not work for you. But you can try it out. Why not? So it's called “You & Me Bed Now”  and like I said, it's an award winning workbook, and it's just a sample from each chapter from that workbook. 

Speaker Dar 

Awesome. So could you pull something out of that workbook, or are they chronological? Would you be able to give us a little taste? 

Speaker Trina 

Sure. So, something. So, step one is, you know, why do you have sex? Do you have sex because you want sex, or do you have sex because your partner wants sex? And those are two very different motivations for having sex. And step two is what stops you from having good sex. And you know what tends to stop the majority of women is all the shame that we have unconsciously and consciously taken over our lives, and it's like a big black tar that covers our sensuality and desire. So until we can deal with the shame that we have, we can't feel safe, and we cannot let go. And you know our partner can't get through to us, so our partner can tell us a bazillion times how beautiful we are, but if we don't, if we if we carry this shame, if we carry this negative luggage, there's we just can't believe what our partner is saying to us. So one of the things that I have women do is to write out their sex history. So things, you know, throughout their life, there are moments that we have that are defining moments, and I'm sure every single person who's listening has can think of like one or two off the top of their heads where you know something went sideways or something magnificent happened, and you know, like there's these times that really impact how we see ourselves, how we show up to ourselves and to our partner, and to just to give an example, like these can be really sneaky things, and so for example, when I was you know, late 20s, I was working in corporate Canada before I became a sexologist. I was in corporate Canada, and here in Calgary, Alberta, where I live, we have a thing called the Stampede every summer. World famous, come and join us. It's a wonderful thing. So yeah, we have Stampede, and it's like the whole downtown shuts down, and everybody's partying, and it's just a really wonderful, fun time. So I was at a corporate function, and there was a band, and we were dancing, and so I was dancing, having just the best time. So I was dancing with the partners, and I was dancing with you know my coworkers, and you know just just so much. Like I can't, I just remember the feeling of having so much fun, and then one of my female coworkers came up to me and she whispered in my ear, "You're such a slut”, and honestly, it completely just knocked me back on my butt. And you know, I you know all these it triggered me for whatever reason that one sentence triggered me, and I went on a you know a big downward spiral. So in the shame of history, we walk we walk through. Okay, so this woman came up to me and said, "You're a slut”. Why would that trigger me? Like, why? What was it about it? And then we have to go in and dissect. You know what? You know, was I called a slut when I was a younger woman, or was this conditioning from my parents like what? What was it about that particular sentence that would trigger me so hard and also you know affect my ability to show up to my next partner like why you know I how does that even work? So, you know, these situations we think, oh, you know, you know, she called me a slut, and yeah, I just need to get over it. You know, I just need to get over it. And no, you don't just need to get over it. You need to understand why that affected you so harshly, and you know, you know where does that come from? And when you dig down into the roots, you know, it was when I was a five year old five year old child. I remember I was dancing in my living room, and my mother said, "Oh, don't dance like that. You're gonna think people are gonna think you're a certain way if you keep dancing like that. You should not move your hips that way.  And you know, I know my mother wasn't trying to give me a complex, but you know, but it was something that stuck with me, and you know, and then it unraveled in that moment. So I would say, you know, this shameful history is not an easy exercise to do by any stretch. And yet, when you throw yourself into it, I promise you, things are going to lighten that big black tar of shame that's sitting on your desire. It's going to dissipate, and you know suddenly you're going to see yourself in a very different way, in a much more sympathetic way. I would say, and you're empathetic and sympathetic, and you're like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I tolerated and put up with all this nonsense for so many years. 

Speaker Dar 

Thank you, thank you for that personal example of shame, and I know it brought up several new things for me. That I hadn't even thought about for a while. When you're talking about that long ago, dancing in your mother's comment. Let's be sure that we have time to talk. Oh, excuse me. I'm going to go back and say this sounds like a great gift, and we'll have the information in the show notes for our listeners to be able to click on the link and and get that free gift from you. 

And what I wanted to jump into is you have a summit coming up. How about talking about that? 

Speaker Trins 

And guess who's a guest on that summit? Oh, our darling Darla is one of our experts, and we were so pleased to get you as our expert. So thank you for coming on to our summit and giving us your wisdom. It's amazing. 

Speaker Dar  

Thank you for recognizing that. 

Speaker Trina  

Yeah. So the Flourish Summit is going to be held from August 19 to 23rd. We have gathered, we have curated very specifically 25 experts who are about helping women show up in the world. So you know, if you're that woman who's at a point in your life where you're like you know what I  want to feel healthier I want to feel sexier I want to you know I want to put myself out there I want to be the kind of woman who can ask for what she wants in the bedroom you know this is this is the summit so we have some experts that are in the, you know, intimacy experts. 

We've got some, you know, different. We've got different experts. You know, holistic experts. We've got Darla. We've got, you know, one thing I love about this summit is the wide breadth of topics that women can take in. So we're, you know, we're not just dealing with intimacy. We're dealing with everything that touches a woman with intimacy. So you know, like, you know, if she's dealt with some trauma in her life, we just talked about shame. You know, if she's dealt with trauma in her life, she's not going to be able to show up intimately. If she doesn't feel good about her body, you know, feels like maybe she's in midlife, and our bodies change in midlife, and you know, you know how can she more accept her body? So we've got, you know, this wide range of experts, and you know, the best thing about this summit is it's free. So you know, you can come on, you can try out a few experts, and you know no cost to you. Which I think really is astonishing that you can tap into this level of expertise at no cost. 

Speaker Dar 

Absolutely, and it sounds like flourish because that's part of the name, the flourish in summit. So we've been talking about winding up, not down, for midlife women. You have covered such a beautiful plethora of information for us, and it's lovely that our listeners can continue this conversation by attending the summit. I just think that's wonderful timing. Before we conclude, is there something else you're being called, or a final thought to leave our audience with? 

Speaker Trina 

Yes. So I feel like there's a sense that once you hit midlife, things are winding down, and I really feel like this our generation, this new generation, we understand that it's time to, you know, really spread our wings. This is our moment. We've been caring and caretaking, and you know, being on the treadmill, and now it's our turn, and this includes, you know, your pleasure. So you know, if I really want you to sit back and think, hmm, if you know what would I like out of that experience? Just give it some thought, and you never know. Once you think about it, you might just be able to bring it into reality. I promise you, it's going to be something that will bring you a 

lot of joy in the future. 

Speaker Dar 

Thank you, thank you so much, Dr. Trina, for being with us today, and I'm sure many women in our audience have had some aha moments during our talk. 

Speaker Trina 

Thanks for having me. It's been a pleasure. 

Transcribed by https://otter.a