Ripples of Resilience

Episode 4: Name It to Tame It: How Understanding Emotions Builds Resilience

• Jana Marie Foundation • Season 1 • Episode 4

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Ever feel trapped in an emotional tornado? When intense feelings take over, our ability to think clearly, make good decisions, and connect with others disappears. The good news? There's a way out.

Dr. Peter Montminy, clinical child psychologist and mindfulness teacher, reveals how emotional regulation forms the foundation of resilience. He explains the fascinating brain science behind our emotional responses, distinguishing between our reactive "downstairs brain" and our reflective "upstairs brain." When we learn to pause between stimulus and response, we create space for choice – and that's where our growth happens.

One of the most powerful insights from this conversation is dismantling the myth of "bad" emotions. Anger, anxiety, sadness – these aren't enemies to be eliminated but signals carrying important information. The challenge isn't having these emotions but learning to regulate their intensity and expression. As Dr. Montminy shares, "We may not like how some emotions feel, but they serve a purpose."

Practical tools abound in this episode, from the simple yet transformative practice of "naming it to tame it" to using a "feeling thermometer" to gauge emotional intensity. You'll learn specific breathing techniques, muscle relaxation exercises, and strategies for helping children identify and manage their emotional experiences. Jana Marie Foundation also shares creative outlets that help young people process feelings in healthy ways.

Whether you're a parent wanting to raise emotionally intelligent children, an educator creating a supportive classroom environment, or someone seeking better ways to handle your own emotional responses, this episode offers clear, compassionate guidance for building this essential life skill. Remember: emotional regulation isn't about perfection – it's about practice. Small steps create powerful ripples of change. Listen now and discover how to step outside the emotional tornado.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support.

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village.

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter.

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Marisa Vicere:

Music. Thank

Marisa Vicere:

Thank

Marisa Vicere:

Welcome to Marisa Ripples of Resilience podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we dive into the heart of supporting young minds. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, president and founder of Jana Marie Foundation. Thank you for being on this journey. We believe that even the smallest ripples of compassion and understanding can create powerful waves of change. The Ripples of Resilience podcast is here to provide parents, caregivers and educators with practical tools and insights to support children's mental health, emotional resilience and overall well-being. To support children's mental health, emotional resilience and overall well-being. We know that emotions are natural and valid, but learning how to manage and respond to them effectively is key to resilience. So on today's episode, we're diving into emotional regulation what it is, why it matters and how we can build more of it in our lives and in the lives of children around us. I'm thrilled to be joined with our resident expert, dr Peter Montminy, a clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher and parenting coach from a mindful village. Welcome, dr Montminy.

Peter Montminy:

Thank you, marissa, good to be here.

Marisa Vicere:

Yes, it's wonderful to have you here again, so let's start at the beginning with this topic. What exactly is emotional regulation?

Peter Montminy:

Well, I'm going to flip it for a second. How about when we're emotionally dysregulated? What does that look or sound like? Right, we're kind of out of control. It's too intense, we're too flooded with our emotions and we're either blowing up, melting down or maybe shutting down right.

Peter Montminy:

When it's too intense, we're reactive and in fact there's two different parts of the brain, we could say, borrowing from Dr Dan Siegel the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain, the early, primitive emotional alarm part of the brain, the downstairs brain, operates to have us react to threat or danger automatically, without a lot of thought and careful regulation versus the upstairs brain we developed later on is the cognitive controls where we can regulate our attention, our emotions and our behaviors better. So if we just think, when we're out of control and we're flooded with emotion, we tend to be more reactive, operating from the downstairs brain. When we're able to pause, breathe, reconnect with the upstairs brain, we can now regulate or control both the intensity of what we're experiencing on the inside as well as how we're expressing it or showing it on the outside. That's what we call emotion regulation. We're more reflective and responsive, not so reactive.

Marisa Vicere:

So what I'm hearing is that, while immediate emotional responses serve a vital purpose in. protecting us and prompting when we might need to change a behavior, it is equally important to develop the ability to regulate our emotions in order to foster stronger and more meaningful connections with others.

Peter Montminy:

Yeah, most of the threats that we're dealing with nowadays aren't life and death right Now. Sometimes they are, but mostly they're not. So that primitive, emotionally reactive part of our nervous system was really wired for the proverbial saber-toothed tiger running us down right or, at a busy intersection, a car running us down we need to just jump back onto the sidewalk without a lot of thought. Most of the stress we experience every day we do much better. We're much more resilient and adaptive to the environment when we can pause, breathe and use those upstairs brain controls to regulate or modulate that emotion. And we're going to play with that today for sure.

Marisa Vicere:

And this whole podcast is all about resilience. So how does this tie so closely into building resilience for ourselves and modeling those behaviors for our children?

Peter Montminy:

Yeah Well, when we think, remember about resilience that we've talked about. Resilience is being able to adapt to adversity. It's being able to bounce back from stressful situations or move forward through stressful situations to still be able to get things done that matter to you. And the core component of that is being able to regulate or manage those emotions right. Without that, we're at the mercy of the situation. We're being blown around by the winds and we're letting external conditions or other people control our emotions. We literally feel out of control and that feeds the stress cycle inside us rather than building resilience to stay strong and steady in the storm. So when we can control and express our emotions better, we both feel better on the inside and cultivate healthier, happier relationships on the outside. In fact, all my therapy with kids and family starts with hey, the reason we're here is to help you find ways to get along better and feel happier. Right, and who doesn't want more of that? And emotional regulation is at the core of that.

Marisa Vicere:

Thank you. At Jana Marie Foundation, we spent a lot of time exploring emotions and recognizing that every emotion we have is a valid emotion. However, I know out in the community we such thing as a bad emotion or about emotional regulation?

Peter Montminy:

Yeah well, I think you hit the nail on the head as a good place to start. I agree with you completely. There's no such thing as a bad emotion, right, there's no. The head as a good place to start. I agree with you completely. There's no such thing as a bad emotion, right, there's no such thing as a bad emotion.

Peter Montminy:

All emotions serve a purpose. They're a call to action, a signal to ourselves and to others about the situation and how we might want to deal with it. At a very basic level, they help communicate to the tribe. You know things are safe or unsafe. Do we want to approach or avoid this situation? So we're really wired to have all our emotions, as we know from the famous movies Inside Out. You know that there's no one right or wrong, good or bad emotion. We need a balance of all of them. So we may not like how some of those emotions feel emotions such . as Anxiety: or anxiety or sadness but they are important emotions to have. They serve a purpose and they can help us. Or, if we get too dysregulated, they can harm us more. So again, we'll get back to that.

Peter Montminy:

But we start by recognizing no bad emotions. Right, it's what we do with them by recognizing no bad emotions right. It's what we do with them, rather than calling it bad. Sometimes I find it helpful to say this is a difficult emotion or maybe it's an unpleasant emotion, but it's never bad. Anger serves the purpose of hey, there's a wrong here. I'm angry because I feel like there was a wrong or an injustice done and that can motivate us to correct wrong or bad situations right. Or it can be out of control and become destructive and harmful unto itself. Anxiety isn't good or bad Anxiety. We're wired to have it. It's a normal, healthy human emotion. It means we're worried about making sure things are going to be okay and again, it's a safety protection factor that can be very harnessed, to be very healthy or dysregulated, of course, can get out of control. So we can think of these things not as good or bad. But how are they being helpful or not helpful in this situation?

Marisa Vicere:

Let's get practical for a minute. We recognize that there is this importance to being able to regulate our emotion. It helps us with connection, it helps us become less stressed out, it helps us cope with our daily activities and life going on around us. So what are some tools and strategies that we can use to help regulate our emotions and also help our kids do the same?

Peter Montminy:

Yeah. So if we're going to regulate our emotions, we first need to be able to recognize them. Right, so you can think before I can regulate, I have to recognize. So we want to recognize and notice what feeling is going on. So we talk about the first step being awareness, or being able to notice both what's going on around me right now, maybe what are some of my triggers, as well as what's going on inside of me right now, what's my body feeling like and what are the thoughts that are popping up in my mind that go with the emotion of this situation. So we talk about first notice it and name it and again, to borrow from Dan Siegel, name it to tame it.

Peter Montminy:

Many of us are familiar with that coping strategy as a first step, right, so we notice and name it, name it to tame it. Oh, and I have a little example of that. Let's say I'm really angry, I'm angry, I'm angry, people say that, or I'm furious at I'm angry, I'm angry. People say that, or I'm furious at that person, or that makes me so mad. Again, we're giving our power away and we're being caught inside of the emotion. When we say I am downstairs mad, we're literally identifying with the motion and picture a tornado of emotion and agitation stirring up in your body and your brain. it, we say you are literally trapped inside of the tornado, versus when you can pause and notice it and name it. Oh, I noticed there's some really angry agitation in my body right now. Now, you know you're not going to maybe use all those words, but if you can just start going to pause, wait a minute, I notice there's some real anger in right now. Or I'm anxious, I'm so worried, I'm so worried I'm caught inside the tornado. Versus. Oh, I noticed there's some real worry thoughts right now in my head.

Peter Montminy:

As soon as we say I notice that's there, we step outside of the tornado. We're next to it or we're in a shelter from it. We can start to create some distance. Or we're in a shelter from it, we can start to create some distance. Much like Viktor Frankl's famous quote between stimulus and response, there is a space, and in that space is the power to choose our response, and in our response lies our growth and freedom. If we are trapped inside of the tornado, we are downstairs, brain reactive and at the mercy of it. When we can pause, breathe, notice and name it, name it to tame it. We can then step outside and begin to create some space from the emotion and then start to bring the upstairs brain of self-control back online. So that's the first step. I could keep going with some others, but I don't know.

Marisa Vicere:

I love that and I think it's so important, you know, recognizing that we do have that power of choice. It's not always easy to take that pause in that moment of those intense feelings.

Peter Montminy:

To access it.

Marisa Vicere:

yeah, but if we can do that, even 10, 20, 30 percent of the time, then we're really starting to take ownership of those emotions and being able to train ourselves to take those deep breaths.

Peter Montminy:

A hundred percent. And a tool that I use a lot again with kids, families and schools that I work with is to be able to notice it and name it, not just what's the feeling, but how much am I feeling it. So let's take our feeling temperature and get in the habit of noticing and naming. Where am I on my feeling thermometer or my feeling temperature right now? So if you just picture, you know Dr Peter's feeling thermometer, but any thermometer right On a scale of one to 10, if you're feeling a little upset, maybe at a one, two or three, we'll say you're in the green zone. Four, five, six or seven warning danger. Now you're really getting upset. You're in the yellow zone Eight, nine or ten. Now you're absolutely super upset, it's erupting, it's overflowing. We're in the red zone. It's important to normalize. We all have all three of these zones. We all have been in the red zone at times. Right, and the yellow zone or the green zone. But when are we most likely to make wise choices? When we bring our feeling temperature back down?

Peter Montminy:

Emotion regulation is the prerequisite to constructive problem solving, and we're going to talk about collaborative problem solving in the next episode. Problem solving and we're going to talk about collaborative problem solving in the next episode and you put these two things together and we're building a resilient way to be in a stressful world. So let's notice it, name it to tame it. And then let's take notice and take our feeling temperature one to 10, where am I and when I know where I am on that, that can direct us to specific ways of coping with it.

Peter Montminy:

Such a powerful image - the thermometer image. It gives kids and adults a way to measure and talk about their emotions without that judgement. So I'm in the red zone, the only thing that makes sense to do is stop, take a timeout, step away from the problem. If I'm at a four, five, six or seven in the yellow zone, then I need to relax and calm down, bring my feeling fever back down more. So in the yellow zone we really emphasize those relaxation techniques that again, we can talk more about if we have time today. Once I bring my feeling fever back down into the green zone, then, and only then, can I constructively problem solve. Now I can think rationally, think, reconnect upstairs, brain again about what to do. So if we're helping kids with their emotions, first pause, notice it, name it, take the temperature and Relax. Stop and relax before you can think and go, before you can problem solve together. So that feeling temperature I think is a core tool in emotion regulation skills our emotions without that judgment.

Marisa Vicere:

So it almost forces us to take that pause, recognize that emotion that's going on within ourselves and then have a constructive conversation with our kid, our partner, whoever's around us, and be able to share, which, for kids that also helps model those types of behaviors for them to really build.

Peter Montminy:

Oh, excellent, 100% again, because in fact I talk about there's not just one feeling thermometer, we're not just taking the kids temperature, there's two feeling thermometers in the room. At the very least we need to take ours first and again an upcoming episode we'll talk about self-care and self-regulation. For us as caregivers is the prerequisite to helping kids regulate their emotions. We call that process co-regulation More another day. But yes, we take our feeling temperature and their feeling temperature and we don't do any processing of the problem, ideally until we're both back down in the green zone. So I have, you know, feeling thermometer worksheets and we color on this and whatever. But you know, it's a simple concept. You can do it on your own. Just visualize it or do it with your own kid and start to use hey, notice, where am I One to 10 right now? Hey, where are you One to 10 right now? And have that guide your next steps, right?

Marisa Vicere:

Yeah, I know, at Jana Marie Foundation our kids spend a lot of time talking and looking at some healthy outlets for them and we have brainstorm lists all over our facility that they've created that allow them to have those options to express themselves in ways that they feel meaningful and helps them, helps regulate those emotions back down to that green space or at least the yellow space if they're at that really heightened state. And some of those things are getting physical, so going for walks or a run or just getting outside in nature, journaling, engaging in creative activities so art, jewelry making, poetry, really anything to help release those emotions in a healthy way. And then of course, they always come up with the other idea of connection.

Marisa Vicere:

So, hanging out with friends, speaking to the people that they trust, going to a teacher, a coach, a mentor, a parent, somebody that they can just sit down, have a conversation with and process, and they're not always looking for answers, but instead just that listening ear so they can voice everything going on their frustrations, whatever it is, and oftentimes in that process of verbalizing it they can figure out kind of those next steps forward or what they need to do to bring some equilibrium back into their life.

Peter Montminy:

Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. Again, we're not about doing it alone, we're not blaming the kid or blaming the parent. We're talking about how, together, right as a village a mindful village, if I may come together to build the skills for the child and the supports around them. And those connections, as we say over and over again, are so vital, so absolutely key. If I may, I'll add one more tool to the toolbox today, and that is a simple mantra. I like these little phrases, as you well know, to relax and refocus, right. So the other thing kind of spinning off of the feeling temperature idea is we need to be able to relax the body before we can refocus the mind in any constructive way. Again, we have to bring the feeling temperature down till we can rationally problem solve and handle the situation. So just think, hey, two-step dance, step, one, step back. Relax the body, pause, breathe, tense and release the muscles. So just get with me, right, Just tense your hands, tense your arms. Right now, tense, tense, tense, feel it, Feel the tension and now release it. Release it and shake it out and let your hands flop, Just feel the difference. And you can just do this with the kids. We can do whole progressive muscle relaxation of the whole body. But just get used to, because sometimes when you tell the kid you need to relax, just calm down and breathe.

Peter Montminy:

I've tried that breathing stuff. It doesn't work. If I lean into the tension a little bit, first I tense the muscles and then release, tense release and then we can begin maybe to do that slow, quiet breathing. And I don't talk so much about deep breathing. I talk about slow, quiet breathing because deep breathing sometimes to kids sounds like this you know the big and sometimes you can play with that. But what we really want is a slow, quiet breath, Maybe a four by six breath, A four count in breathing in One, two, three, four and breathing out One, two, three, four, five, six and breathing in and breathing out. And what we know from the neurophysiology is longer exhales and shorter, slower inhales Starts to turn on the parasympathetic nervous system of rest and digest or calm you down, versus the sympathetic nervous system which ramps you up into stressful reactions again. So relax and refocus. Relax the body, refocus the mind, Use your tense and release your muscles and your four by six breathing to relax first and then we can think and talk better.

Marisa Vicere:

Thank you so much for helping us really build our toolboxes today with all these great ideas and concepts to try, and we know that there's no perfect emotional regulation. Each one of us is wired differently and what might work for one person might not work as well for someone else. So it's all about practicing not getting it right 100% of the time, but just trying it when it makes sense and when we feel like we have the capacity to be able to do so.

Peter Montminy:

So practice plus persistence equals progress, not perfection, and that's really what we want to focus on.

Marisa Vicere:

Yeah, and so, as we wrap up, what's one thing you'd like listeners to try this week? To build their emotional regulation skills?

Peter Montminy:

Yeah, yourself and with your kiddos at home or your students at school, just everyone. Get in the practice of let's just pause and check in what do you notice and let's name it. What do you notice about what you're feeling right now? And let's name it and help build that emotional vocabulary with kids, and in fact, not wait to do this when all you know what heck's breaking loose. But do this in small, little teachable moments can be the more pleasant emotions or unpleasant emotions, in small doses. Start playing with. Let's name it to tame it. Let's notice and name what are we feeling right now, what's in the room right now, and then, if you get in the habit of that with your kiddos, you can add the next level of taking the feeling temperature and not only naming what the emotion is right now, but on a scale of 1 to 10, how much are we feeling it? And go from there.

Marisa Vicere:

Thank you. And it's a great reminder that emotional regulation is a learned skill and those small steps create those big ripples over time. So the easier it becomes, the more that we practice it.

Peter Montminy:

You Montminy

Marisa Vicere:

Dr Matt Minnie, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us today. As you mentioned, in our next episode we'll talk about collaborative problem solving another powerful tool to build resilience and connection. Until then, take a deep breath, give yourself some grace and remember even the smallest actions can create waves of change. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter, and by A Mindful Village, where Dr Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If today's episode resonated with you, share it with a friend and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a ripple. Together, let's keep showing up, speaking up and supporting the young minds who need us most. Thank you.