Ripples of Resilience

Episode 5: From Power Struggles to Problem Solving: How CPS Builds Skills and Connection

• Jana Marie Foundation • Season 1 • Episode 5

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Power struggles don’t have to define family life. With Dr. Peter Montminy—clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher, and parenting coach—we unpack a simple, repeatable approach that turns conflict into a coaching moment. Collaborative Problem Solving (CPS) helps us keep authority while replacing standoffs with skill-building and trust, so mornings, homework, and bedtimes feel less like battlegrounds and more like opportunities to grow.

We start by challenging a common myth: kids aren’t “frequent offenders,” they’re frequent strugglers. That mindset opens the door to empathy and leads directly into the CPS three-step method. First, we listen with compassionate curiosity to understand the child’s concerns in their words. Next, we clearly name our own concerns and values—using “and,” not “but,” to keep connection intact. Finally, we brainstorm options, weigh pros and cons together, and choose a trial plan we’ll test and review. Along the way, we highlight the core skills CPS strengthens: emotion regulation, cognitive flexibility, communication, focused attention, working memory, and perspective-taking.

Timing is everything. We map out “green-zone” huddles for calm, 10-minute planning and show how to briefly reference the plan in the heat of the moment without reigniting a power struggle. We also tackle common roadblocks—like a child who won’t engage or seems unmotivated—by lowering feeling temperatures and tapping into what they genuinely care about, from less nagging to more independence. The result is a home culture that pairs structure with empathy, reinforces clear expectations, and gives kids a voice in how they meet them.

If you’re ready for fewer fights and more follow-through, this conversation offers concrete language, practical scripts, and weekly check-in ideas you can implement tonight. Subscribe, share with a caregiver or educator who could use a calmer morning, and leave a review to tell us which routine you’re rewriting first.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support.

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village.

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter.

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Welcome to the Ripples of Resilience podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore practical ways to support young minds and foster emotional resilience. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, president and founder of Jana Marie Foundation. Thank you for joining us today. We know that even the smallest ripples of compassion and understanding can create powerful waves of change. Conflicts between children and adults are inevitable. Whether you're a parent, caregiver, or educator, you've probably experienced the frustration of power struggles. But what if we could turn those conflicts into opportunities to connect and teach important life skills? That's what today's episode is all about - collaborative problem solving. What is it? Why does it matter? And how can we help our children and us develop deeper resilience and stronger relationships? I'm thrilled to be joined by Dr. Peter Montminy, a clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher, and parenting coach from a mindful village. Welcome back to the podcast, Dr. Montminy.

Dr. Montminy:

Thank you. Glad to be back.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

So let's start with the basics. What do we mean when we talk about collaborative problem solving?

Dr. Montminy:

Well, the core idea is that we're working with the child to solve the problem, the power struggle, the battle we may have in the morning routine or the bedtime routine or the homework routine, whatever the challenge may be. We're not trying to say you need to do this, and then we're being heavy-handed about what they need to do and how they need to do it. We're saying, hmm, we need to meet this expectation. Let's figure out together how you can best do that. So you're not giving up the authority, the parental authority. You're still setting the expectations and the rules. You're just approaching it as a collaborative partnership rather than, you know, I'm an opponent and we're going to be in a power struggle with each other. Hey, we have this situation. We have to get out of the door for the bus, and I have to get to work in the morning by a certain time. And we want to do it, you know, more fun, less fighting. Let's put our heads together and take a look at this. So it's really about uh taking that uh collaborative approach together with the kiddo. A fundamental assumption is it starts with borrowing from Dr. Ross Green the idea that um children want to do well, and children do well when they can. It's not like the kid gets up and goes, Man, I want to screw up today or get in trouble today, right? So it's really having an empathic understanding of when we have a kid, sometimes I say this working with schools, you know, you think about that kiddo who's frequently kind of having behavioral challenges, and sometimes they're thought of as, you know, being a frequent offender. And I like reframing that as they're a frequent struggler. And if we can just rename that and bring that mindset to it, if the kid is acting up in the morning routine or dawdling or not getting out the door when we want them to, without a lot of nagging or arguing or tug of wars. Pause, breathe. My kid is struggling with meeting the expectation, and it may be a lack of skill more than a lack of will. And so let's start with teaching the kiddo how can they do better, how can we do better to meet those expectations. So that's the gist of it, really, if that makes sense.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Absolutely. And I can see how shifting our mindset and the way that we're viewing our children's behaviors can be really helpful. And the whole idea with collaborative problem solving is shifting that dynamic from control to connection. So, why is it so important to talk about this when we're looking at resilience?

Dr. Montminy:

Well, remember, you can't really build resilience, which we call the capacity for adapting to adversity, right? You can't really build that without two things. One, developing coping skills, and two, maintaining supportive relationships. Collaborative problem solving, or CPS, as we call it, based on the model and program developed by Dr. Stuart A. Blonde and Alicia Palastri. The CPS model does both of those things. It focuses on developing the kids' skills and maintaining supportive relationships.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you so much. So it's really re-emphasizing that idea that resilience isn't about avoiding challenges. It's more so learning how to navigate them effectively. And the CPS model can really help kids feel heard and respected while also teaching them those problem-solving skills that are so important throughout our lives, as well as the communication skills that they can also carry into adulthood.

Dr. Montminy:

Exactly. And the skills we're talking about in particular are very much the ones you're talking about, including emotion regulation skills, communication skills, also cognitive flexibility. We'll play with that more another day, perhaps, as opposed to getting stuck in rigid thinking or rigid routines, right? A focused attention and working memory skills, and really also social thinking or awareness, perspective taking skills. So those are some of the core skill building things we want to help kids develop. And rather than just assuming they're gonna be able to meet our expectations, let's teach them how, and those skills really help them be able to do that better.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you. So can you walk us through the key steps to CPS?

Dr. Montminy:

Sure. Three core steps. The first one is meeting the child with an empathic understanding of what their concerns are, what their struggles are. And so you're always starting by trying to join with the child and what their perceived struggles are. Whether we think it should be or shouldn't be isn't the issue. It's if the kid isn't putting down the screen and coming to dinner the first time you ask, let's take a look. Besides the fact that, well, he just should do that, knock it off. We've been through this a hundred times. Let's check in with kiddo. What's making that transition hard for you, right? If the kiddo needs to be nagged, nagged, nagged to get the clothes on and the backpack on to get out the door in the morning on time. Let's back up and go, hey, kiddo, what's going on for you? So the first step is asking open-ended questions, hey, what's up? Or help me understand what's hard for you about this situation. And approaching those conversations with what I call a core parenting skill or teaching skill of compassionate curiosity. You can say, What's going on for you? Why aren't you getting dressed like that? Or you can say, hey, buddy, what's going on for you here that you're not getting dressed on time, right? One is going to be a door slammer to communication and connection, and one is going to be a door opener. So when I can really truly be compassionate and curious about, hey, I'm really wondering what is going on for you here? What's your take on this? Where are you getting stuck? What do you think's happening? Now again, we become teammates in solving the external problem, not or opponents with the problem being our relationship or the tug of war. Yeah. So first step, empathic listening without judgment to the kiddo's take on it. Even if you disagree, that's not the issue. It's starting with really trying to understand.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

So important. So really starting by that listening and really being non-judgmental, but just curious, trying to hear things from their perspective rather than making those assumptions.

Dr. Montminy:

Absolutely. When is anyone more likely to open up in a conversation or be more responsive to maybe some corrective feedback that we might gonna do next year, you know, or suggestions? It's when you feel seen and heard first, right? Your life partner, your boss at work, it wants to come in and think you should do it a different way. If they just tell you, listen, you need you need to do it this way, you're gonna be more defensive and a little right ticked off about kind of following their directions. Yeah. Versus if they go and really try to understand your perspective and feelings first, then we can bridge over to let's find a different way to do it. So we definitely want to start there first.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Wonderful. So does that bring us to step two then? Kind of sharing those concerns that we might have.

Dr. Montminy:

Exactly. First, understanding the child's concerns or struggles, then we can name what our concern is. So, hey, I understand you may be feeling that way, and you don't want to get off the video game. You're in the middle of it and you're gonna about to set your record and you're gonna lose the points and you can't pause it or you can't save it, whatever. Uh so I understand that. Now, when parents start with empathy, and teachers too, usually if they do this little empathic, okay, I understand you're thinking or feeling this. What do you think is the next word out of a parent's mouth? Right. But but you need to get off that thing and come to dinner or go to bed, or you but you need to get your shoes on so we can get out the door and not miss the bus. As soon as you say, I empathically understand what you're thinking, and then you use the word but, you're flushing that empathy right down the toilet. All right. So, as silly as this sounds, and you know this, we've been using this for years. Um, yes, and you want to get rid of the big butts and replace it with and. Hey, I understand you're feeling this way, or you're getting stuck with this, or you think it ought to be this way. And here's what I need, here's what I'm expecting, here's what I think. You know, I need to still get out the door at this time, and I want to do it with less fighting with you. And hopefully you find common ground in that. But even if the kid is like, I don't care about coming to dinner on time, I care about finishing my video game, you go, I got it, and not but, and I need you to be able to follow instructions so we can get through our day successfully, and it's a life skill to learn to be able to do things you don't want to do. And you it's a life skill to learn how to follow instructions from parents, teachers, and someday bosses.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah, absolutely. So avoiding that word but because it negates everything that came before it. And that's really then turns our focus to that more what we want instead of making sure that they understand that we truly are hearing what it is that they're telling us and that we're listening to it. So reframing from the butts and adding yes and to it so that they have a clear understanding what those expectations are, why they why they matter in our family and what our values are. And then we, I'm guessing, can work together to solve that problem, come up with some solutions together.

Dr. Montminy:

Beautiful. Step three goes right into that. I love how you reminded us that you know our expectations aren't random, or just because we want to be a bear of an adult on these kids, uh, ideally, hopefully, that's not our motivation. It does come from care, a caring value. So you're introducing with your concerns your values about why this is important to try to change this struggle, right? And then, and usually, usually, again, being aware that this is a calm green zone conversation, if you remember our motion regulation episode and our feeling temperatures one to ten green, yellow, red, you want to make sure this conversation is always a green zone conversation. And if you or your child start escalating your feeling temperatures rising up into the yellow, and someone's getting defensive again, and you feel that tug of war starting to build again. You want to pause, let's take a break, or let's come back to empathizing with the kiddo to bring our feeling temperatures back down, then we can step into step three of the collaborative. We we've named, hey, let's see how we can take care of your need and want to finish your games easier without being interrupted, and my need to get you to follow through on taking a bath to go to bed or come to the dinner table or sit down to do your homework, right? Fill in the blank. Let's see how we can meet both of those needs a little bit better. Doesn't mean you're equals, you're still the adult, you're still maintaining your authority, but you're respecting the kiddo to contribute and be part of the solution, not just keeping blamed for being the problem. And it's a different mindset and orientation. Now we can say, let's try to generate some ideas. And you start in step three with brainstorming possible solutions, and there's no bad answer in a brainstorming session. So you generate, well, we could do it this way or we could do it that way, right? And what about this? And you ask the kid to come up with a few ideas of how they might like to do that transition to the school bus or to bedtime differently that might work better for them. And uh, and then after you generate possible solutions together, then you step into separately evaluating them. Okay, let's take those three or four things we came up with and say, what are the positives and negatives of doing it that way? Kid may say, Well, you just let me finish my game, you know, I'll come to dinner when I want. Well, the positive is you feel better about finishing your game. The negative is the rest of the family's done eating, or we've missed the bus in the morning, or whatever. And it also doesn't mean you just get to do whatever you want. You're not learning how to be able to put the brakes on your urges. And I think that's a life skill that matters. So, you know, and you weigh the pros and cons and you try to find one of the solutions that has more pros than cons for everybody. And it doesn't have to be perfect, and it doesn't mean the kid's gonna love it or even you're gonna love it. But you find one that you both agree of the possible options we came up with, this one has the most, you know, upside for us. And you frame it as let's select this one and try it and see. It's not written in stone, it's not a permanent, you know, sentence to the kid, but you're gonna get more cooperative with the kid if you say, let's try this one, let's try it and see for these reasons we just came up with, and then you give it a week run or something like that, not just a one and done or a one-day thing. You give it a run and then you come back and revisit it and reevaluate. And you sit down with the kid. I I believe in weekly family meetings, for example. We can review, we can preview, and as part of that, all right, that new way we just brainstormed to do morning routines, would you agree? Thumbs up, down, or sideways, we're getting through the mornings better, worse, or the same. And then you can rinse and repeat the process as needed.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you so much for sharing all of that. You know, it it seems like there are three fairly simple steps to take, but in those heat of the moments when you're trying to get out the door or get to the bus on time and get to work, it it can be a lot to go through this process. So can you just take a quick moment to walk us through what the situation might look like and how we might just get through all three steps in a relatively short time to accomplish? Or is this something that we even do in the heat of the moment, or do we revisit later?

Dr. Montminy:

Yeah, 100%. Great question. We do not do this in the heat of the moment typically. Uh, this is a uh, you know, huddle up. It's this is when you have a timeout period in your day. So you might have a heck of a struggle getting out the door this morning, and you say, We're gonna touch base about this tonight to try to see what we can come up with better. You know, you have positive intentions, you want it to go better for both of you. And then you set aside time and you schedule, yes, a five or 10-minute meeting, 10 to 15 minutes at the tops. So, yes, you can take 10 minutes when they get home from school or before bedtime or whatever, and you schedule it as a 10-minute appointment if you have to. You put in a schedule book and you say, This is a time need to sit down and revisit how we're doing that morning routine, as I say over and over again, so we can have more fun and less fighting. Like what family doesn't want that, right? Then you go, help me understand what your struggle was this morning. Step one, empathically understand the child's concerns. Fair enough. And step two, here's what's on my concerns about that, that and the way you're doing getting ready in the morning, and why it's not working for me, and what I need you to be able to do for this reason and this value. Step three, let's brainstorm ways we can meet somewhere that helps you take care of yourself better and gets the need or expectation met on my end as well. Let's generate solutions, let's evaluate them, pros and cons. Let's pick one, let's try it and see, let's meet again next, you know, in three days from now or this weekend, we'll schedule a follow-up meeting to say, hey, that went better or it didn't. The next more so that's a 10-minute huddle-up conversation, figuring it out together, a collaborative problem-solving conversation. Now, the next morning you can reference it quickly. Remember, we're gonna try this that different way so we can both get our needs met better and have a friendlier morning. You ready to give it a try? I am, love you. Here we go. So you reference it in the moment, or things are heating up, and you don't go. See, you said you were gonna do that last night in our meeting, but now you're not doing it. Bam, wrong answer. You say, wait a minute, I see we're getting off track from our plan. Let's see if we can pause, breathe, bring our feeling temperature down, and restep into that game plan. Remember, we're trying to do it this way this time, so you can reference it in the moment, if you will, but to actually develop it, it's a timeout in your day that's specifically set aside to do the CPS model.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

I really appreciate that because it allows us as parents to figure out what do we want to say and how we want that conversation to go, and even plan where are we going to have this conversation so it's more on that neutral ground. And it also frames it in a way that's realistic. And it shows that collaborative problem solving isn't about giving in or being permissive. It's really about that teaching and partnering. And then we can continue to refer back to it. Um, but it gives us both some agency around what is happening and how are we moving forward as a family to strengthen our family ties and our values that are so important to us. You know, this all sounds great, but as parents and caregivers, we know that it can feel easier said than done. So, what are some of the common challenges that we might face when we are trying the collaborative problem-solving approach?

Dr. Montminy:

Well, a couple of big ones is one, if you're finding it's the child won't engage or doesn't want to have the conversation. Um, one of two reasons usually for that. One, the feeling temperature is too high, so revisit our emotion regulation episode and practice ways to again pause, breathe, empathically acknowledge and bring the feeling temperature down. Or two, the kid doesn't seem motivated. They think, hey, right now we have these power struggles about bedtime, and I'd wind up winning them half the time and stand up late, and I've just let your yelling at me, go in one ear and out the other. So I don't really care to change. So you need to find out that join with the kid to find their motivations, what they do care about. And when you get down to the level of, I care about you and us getting along better. I care about you having an easier time in life, not just with me at bedtime, but with the teacher or the police officer or the boss at work or your life partner someday. It involves learning how to do things you don't want to do more easily. So working on finding the motivation with the kiddo and helping to regulate their feeling temperature is key.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah.

Dr. Montminy:

We're talking about the kid doesn't want to problem solve to me differently because they don't want to change the behavior. Then we come back, as I just started modeling. I understand you feel that you don't want to change it right now for this reason. And in life, you need to learn how to do things you don't want to do. So my question to you, kiddo, is would you rather do it more miserably or less miserably? Would you rather do it in a way that it was easier or harder? Would you rather do it with less arguing and nagging from me or more? Usually that's a hook and you say it with a fun smile, tongue in cheek, but I mean it, right? And usually the kids are gonna go, well, duh, I want it to be easier. Duh, I want to be less miserable, duh, I want less nagging and reminders from you. Then come to the table and help me problem solve this dude so we can paint a different picture here and get along better and do better tomorrow. You know, love you. And usually you can bring them back on board that way.

Marisa Vicere - Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you so much for sharing that. So it's a good reminder that collaborative problem solving is a learned skill for both adults and kids. And oftentimes we need those small steps to help us, and we know that those small steps can lead to ripples over time. Dr. Motminy, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and practical strategies with us today. And thank you to our listeners for joining us. In our next episode, we'll be discussing something that supports us all, whether we're parents, caregivers, educators, or young people ourselves. Self-care and compassion resilience. We'll explore what it means to care for our own well-being while continuing to show up for others. Until then, please share this episode with anyone who might benefit, and let's keep the conversations going. Together, we can help young minds thrive. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter. And by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. Together, let's keep showing up, speaking up, and supporting the young minds who need us most.