Ripples of Resilience

Episode 6: Refuel First: Self-care the quiet engine behind every resilient child

• Jana Marie Foundation • Season 1 • Episode 6

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What if the most reliable way to help kids feel safe and resilient starts with how we care for ourselves? We sit down with clinical child psychologist and mindfulness teacher Dr. Peter Montminy to rethink self-care as a daily, relationship-centered practice that powers calm, connection, and growth. Together we map a practical path: “Time Off, Time In, Time Out” for restoring energy, regulating in real time with kids, and calling a reset when conflict spikes.

We dig into the foundations that actually change your baseline: sleep as the quiet superpower, movement and play as stress releases, and emotional hygiene through mindfulness, therapy, journaling, prayer, and creativity. We also confront the myths that keep adults stuck. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s how we refill the pitcher we pour from. It doesn’t demand hours or cash; three slow breaths can shift a hard moment. It won’t make you perfect; like a pilot, you course-correct again and again. And it’s not optional; we refuel cars and brush teeth without debate—our mental hygiene deserves the same daily respect.

You’ll hear simple, repeatable tools: set boundaries with tech to protect attention, use brief rituals like bedtime check-ins and device-free dinners, and try the “Time Choices” exercise to reclaim three hours a week for joy. Dr. Montminy’s “surprising life math” shows where time hides, and his language shift—from “I don’t have time” to “I choose this time”—turns resistance into momentum. Most of all, we underline a core truth: children learn self-regulation through attuned relationships with self-regulating adults. When we pause, breathe, and repair, kids borrow our calm and build their own.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support.

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village.

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter.

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Welcome to the Ripples of Resilience podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore practical ways to support young minds and foster emotional resilience. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, president and founder of Jana Marie Foundation. Today we're diving into a topic that's often talked about but not always fully understood: self-care. Too often we think of self-care as an indulgence or something extra we do when there's time. But the reality is caring for ourselves is essential, especially if we want to show up as calm, steady, and supportive adults for the children and young people in our lives. Here at Jana Marie Foundation, we believe that resilience grows in the context of safe, supportive relationships. And children develop self-regulation through attuned relationships with self-regulating adults. That means we have to start with ourselves, because you can't give what you don't have. So in this episode, we'll explore what self-care really looks like, why it matters, and how small, realistic practices can make a big difference in both our lives and in the lives of those we care for. I'm thrilled to be joined again by our resident expert, Dr. Peter Motminy, a clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher, and parenting coach from a mindful village. Welcome, Dr. Montminy.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Thank you, Marisa. Glad to be back.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So let's dive in. We hear about self-care all of the time. It's kind of become just a word that is thrown around quite a bit in our society. But what do we mean by self-care?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Beyond the, you know, those luxury spa days or vacations, it's really sustaining your physical, emotional, and mental well-being through the day-to-day grinding and drudgery, the ups and downs of daily life, right? So we're really going to talk about it is important to have getaway time, to have deep replenishing times, a nice vacation, a nice retreat. But it's also more important to follow through with those daily, consistent little moments of self-care that help us regulate and recharge, right? So that we can then be present to help our kids regulate and recharge, right? Um as we say, you can't give what you don't have, right? So it it really is vital that we start with the self-care. Some years ago I had a program that I developed called Time Off, Time In, Time Out. And I'll just briefly mention it here. It is important to take that time off away from the hustle, the daily uh business of work or family or raising kids and recharge, whether that's a a walk or a run or a trip to the gym or some prayerful time or some listening to music, you know, the little getaway moments, a drink with a friend, whatever it might be that's recharging for you, taking time off and stepping away from the daily grind, vital. But also, equally vital, is the time in when we are engaged, let's say, especially with our kids or our family, how can we self-care in the moment? And we're gonna offer some tools and tips for how to be able to do that. Not like it's always I have to get away from real life. It's how do I recharge in the midst of real life, right? And then the timeout part briefly is um when there is conflict, when the you know what's hitting the fan, um, how to be able to call time out and help the kid calm down and regroup and help yourself calm down and regroup. So there's different ways that we want to be applying self-care in any of those scenarios.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And this ties right back into resilience, what this whole podcast is about. At Jana Marie Foundation, we often start our trainings with that reminder that we have to care for ourselves before we can really care for others. So we can think about it on an airplane. If those oxygen masks come down, it's always shared. Put it on yourself first before you go and help someone else. And that allows us to have that ability to help more people in the long run. And that's really what we're looking at today.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Amen. Absolutely. So beautiful. And that fits perfectly with my, you know, a guiding sentence for all my work with kids and families, and I try to practice it myself. When we're working again with how are we building resilience in our kids, the capacity to meet the adversity and demands of daily stressful lives, one of the remembered key components is their ability to self-regulate, to regulate their attention, to regulate their emotions, to regulate their behaviors. And you can check out some of our earlier episodes if you want to know more about emotion regulation, and I'm sure we'll go back to it again more another day. But in order for kids, how do kids develop self-regulation? Children develop self-regulation through attuned relationships with self-regulating adults. That one sentence really guides all my work with families and kids and schools as well. So it begins with self-regulating adults. And the only way that we can show up to the daily stressors, especially when our kids are struggling, is to be feeding and nurturing self-care practices on a regular basis so we can show up more self-regulating and be that attuned container for the kids' dysregulations when it happens. Yeah?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Absolutely. And we know that there's so many key elements when it comes to self-care, and we need to look at it through all of those lenses. So when we think about our physical care, we know that sleep is so important for developmental needs, but also for us as adults. And rarely are we getting that recommended number of sleep hours, but it makes the world of difference because it helps us refuel. We also know that exercise, having time to rest, having time to play are also all really important. What about when it comes to our emotional and mental care?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, we want to really take care of that body and mind, absolutely, right? And you just absolutely hit on the fundamentals that we know but often kind of neglect or forget. So it's important to start there. With the emotional care, again, where are the spaces? And we'll talk more about how to do this practically in a minute. But we want to set a vision for what is replenishing for me? Is it quiet meditation time or reflection time or prayer? Is it journaling? Am I in therapy to get the emotional support I need, or able to talk to a close friend or a pastor? What are my internal practices and where again are my external supports? We talk a lot about both of those in our resilience work. Um that is uh really, again, nourishing for me. Creative expression, what you're so good here at Jana Marie Foundation, is really all the artistic ways of expressing and coming alive, you know, and managing our emotions through through artistic endeavors or time in nature. And all of these we want to step into these little acts of kindness or self-compassion, uh, approaching these, not with another have to or shoulds or to do or when I don't do it, I'm gonna beat myself up. But pause, breathe, step into those little things that you know are nourishing and fun for you with a self-compassionate, caring approach. And we'll have another episode soon on self-compassion. Uh related to that closely, the mind is both the emotions and the thoughts. So what are mindfulness practices? What's an enriching amount of stimulation? You know, reading books and videos online that are really nourishing and stimulating in a positive way, balancing that with quiet, spacious downtimes of not having input. So that really means managing our boundaries with uh technology, right? And consciously how when and how are we scrolling consciously in the way that's feeding me, and when am I like doom scrolling in a way that's draining me? So we attend to these little ways that we can take care of our thoughts and feelings as well.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And that leaves us with our relational health as well, being able to connect to other individuals and really focusing on our relationships and on our community. And so that really is going to look like building those supportive communities and connections around us, asking for help at times, which can be difficult, but we know all of us need to lean on one another from time to time. And also spending time with those that we enjoy. Again, thinking about those relationships that build us up, that help us laugh, help us just feel more relaxed, and recognizing when we might need to be looking into those connections more.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Absolutely. There's times when connecting with people might be draining, right? But there's a whole lot of times when connecting with others, loved ones, and the gift of laughter and fun for crying out loud and having those loving connections with others is vital, right? So self-care again doesn't always mean going off by myself. It can be making those connections. I talk about building uh deposits or building up credits in the in the your energy bank of your of your uh body and soul that you can then draw down on in times of strain or struggle. So, yeah, um looking for those replenishing times and remembering, again, that the way kids are going to develop their self-regulation is through those attuned caring relationships. So have those fun-attuned times together, right? Meals where, okay, if I can't have a meal every day, it's not about a guilt trip. It's about where in my week can I have little meals together. You know, a lot of research shows and common sense shows. That's a real bonding, positive, you know, energy filling up in the bank of energy thing to do. Walks, bedtime rituals, whatever it may be, simple, real, and present. Bring the gift of presence to your relationships whenever you can.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

I love that. And we know that those small regular practices are really meaningful for our kids. We don't always know that as a parent, they don't always share that information to us. But in our groups that we run here, we often hear that from our high school kids, you know, especially the don't tell mom or don't tell the adult in my life. But I really like it when they check on me before bed, or I love it when they ask me about my day at dinner. I don't always share, but just knowing that they care. And that's what we mean by those small regular interactions can really make that diff difference because it reminds them that they have that support, whether or not they're using it in that moment.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Absolutely. So consciously looking for when and where am I making those little points of connection in my day, in my week. Beautiful. Yeah.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah. We know that there's a lot of misinformation out there around self-care. And I think it's important to take a few minutes to dispel some of the different myths that are out there so that we have that clearer understanding about self-care and how important it is in our lives. So let's break down some of these different myths. Myth number one, self-care is selfish.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, self-care is selfish. Uh no. Uh and how about yes and no? Because there's not, you know, the this idea of selfish or self-love can be really put down in our society. So we want to be self-caring and self-loving. But the other part of self-care is really that is it is other giving, right? Like back to again, we can't give what we don't have. We can't pour from a pitcher of of love and sanity into, you know, pour that into the cups of our kids who are struggling if we don't haven't filled up our pitchers or our gas tanks first. So we want to be able to really show up and be our best selves for our kids, right? Who amongst us as parents or teachers don't want to show up and be our best selves for our kids? But we think, ah, I don't have time for that self-care stuff. Wait a minute. Just look listen to those two sentences next to each other, right? They don't make sense. They don't add up literally. We need to take care of ourselves to show up and be our best selves with our other kids, with whatever time and energy we have today. And some days we're going to have more time and energy, and some days less. So again, it's not about beating ourselves up when we're not doing some kind of perfect, you know, walking the line on this, but it's really about making progress, not perfection, right?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So let's talk about being perfect. That brings us into our next myth. If we're practicing self-care, that means that we're always going to be calm or we're always going to get it exactly right.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, right. And of course, when we have discussions like this, we know that that's silly. And yet we can still get caught in little mind traps with ourselves, like we think we should be performing at some higher level. And especially if you're looking at stuff on social media where people just post a really good stuff, you're thinking, geez, I can't why is everyone else so happy and I'm you know not hitting the mark, which of course is is uh false because we all have our ups and downs and struggles. So I talk about it, this idea of this notion of needing to perfectly self-care and self-regulate, rather than setting some rigid, unattainable expectation. How about we set the intention, the intention to show up as best we can with the time and energy today to care for ourselves and others? And it's kind of like an airplane trip from, you know, New York cross-country to LA, 3,000 miles. And, you know, you draw a line of the flight path, and there's this perfect line arc that goes from New York City, boom, down into Lacks to the airport. 3,000 miles later you land on the pinpoint runway. But what percent of the time is that airplane exactly on that dotted path you would draw on a map? Rarely, it is constantly course correcting. It's veering off to the right and then it's course correcting, and then it's veering off to the left, and it's course correcting. Or in a canoe trip across a lake, you set a mark, a point on the far bank that you want to hit. And how often is your canoe on a straight line to that, right? We're not perfectly online. We are not perfectly calm or self-caring always. But we're catching ourselves and we're tacking to the right a little too far, we come back, we tack to the left. And in doing so, back and forth with grace and compassion, we take care of ourselves and others better.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So our next myth, myth number three, self-care requires lots of time or money.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Hmm. Again, it's not about those big vacations, though when we can do them, those are lovely. Uh but uh remember our very first tip in our first episode um the power of the pause. So, in addition to really deep times away of replenishing, hopefully we're able to have those. Again, we're looking for those daily little realistic possibilities. The power of the pause throughout the pause, breathe. Let's just take three quiet breaths right now. And with me, just kind of breathe in through the nose, a deep full breath all the way in. And on this first one, a big sigh out through the mouth. Let's do two more quiet ones. Breathing in. Breathing in through the nose. And softly breathing out through the mouth as if you're cooling off a cup of hot chocolate. And you might just notice if your energy shifted at all with those three breaths. Thirty seconds. You do have the time to take 30 seconds to pause, breathe, reset yourself, and step back into the next moment of challenge, your better self, yeah?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Yes. That was lovely. Thank you for helping us take those three deep breaths and to practice what this can feel like and how it can just ground us in that moment. So our final myth self-care is optional and only needed in a time of distress.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, right. If you only recharge your phone when it dies, your phone dies a lot and it's a pain in the butt. You recharge your phone every day to keep it charged, to stay ahead of it, so that when you really need it, you know, it's available to you.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah. We need to recharge ourselves regularly, proactively, you know. I I talk with kids sometimes. Um, do you do you brush your teeth? Do you typically brush your teeth every day? And they look at me like, what are you talking about? Of course I brush my teeth. Yeah. Probably, you know, a couple times a day, maybe on average, once in the morning, once in the evening. Not always perfectly. Sometimes we forget and run out the door or would but we brush our teeth. We don't say I don't have enough time to brush my teeth. We don't say I'm too stressed to brush my teeth. We just brush our teeth every day. So I say to kids, so tell me, is your dental hygiene any more important than your mental hygiene? Is your mental hygiene any less important? So where are those opportunities to daily floss our brain, right? Yeah. To cleanse, you know, the mental hygiene of taking care of ourselves. And it can just be done in these little things. And it's absolutely vital. It is essential for resilience, for health, and for modeling with our kids, right? We know kids pay more attention to what we do than what we say. So where and how are we really taking care of ourselves, which is a benefit to us, and it's a secondary smoke benefit, if you will, to the kiddos who see that that's a real part of living. If we went on an important trip in our car, a long distance trip in our car, and we wanted to get to this vacation point, or it's an important meeting, an important goal, that we had to get to this destination, and it's hours and hours, and we get on the highway and we're traveling, traveling, and we see that the red light, the empty light, comes on. Do we ignore it and say, I don't have time to refuel the car? What's going to happen? You're not going to reach your destination. You're not going to get to the good stuff. So you pull off on an exit, you refuel your car, you get back on. You know it's not optional to ignore the low empty tank signal on your dashboard. But we take better care of our cars than ourselves sometimes. It's the same thing. If we don't keep pausing, taking that exit ramp to recharge or refuel, then we can't get to where we want to go.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Thanks for walking through those different myths and helping us to dispel them. I know as a parent, it's hard to juggle everything. It sometimes seems like self-care is one more thing that we need to pile on an already demanding list of have-to's. So, what action steps can we take to help us, quote unquote, find that time and also shift our brains to understanding that this needs to be a priority?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, absolutely. So I have another uh parenting program called Time Choices, and it's really very simple. So, right now, go ahead and jot down or write down a piece of paper or speak out loud. What are three things that you enjoy doing? Just name them. You know, and we're not talking about the you know, trip to Tahiti, wouldn't that be nice? But daily, weekly, what are things you enjoy doing that you know when you do them, you feel better. When you do them, you enjoy them. When you do them, you feel more rejuvenated or relaxed. Just write down what they are. And here you go. Here's the prescription of the day from Dr. Montmeny. Guess what? Do more of those things. Right? To which the number one answer, and I've done hundreds of workshops with all sorts of people over the years on this. What do you think is the number one answer? Yeah, I would do it, but what's the first but?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

I don't have time.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

I don't have the time, right? I don't have the time. To which then I say, let's reframe our relationship with time. It's not that I don't have the time. Who's gonna give it to you? It's I don't choose to put my priorities in the time that I have. So let's shift this idea of but I don't have the time to I am choosing the time for this. And let's be conscious of that includes these fun things in my life for all the reasons we've talked about already. Yeah?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Absolutely.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Okay. So this idea of taking the time and changing your mindset and language to I'm choosing to do this. And then you can do another fun exercise. If one or two of those things you wrote down that really you enjoy doing, what if you did though at that maybe three hours a week? Do you think you'd feel better? Not perfect, but you know, whether again it's going to the gym or having fun with a friend or just being able to read with your feet up, whatever it may be, if you did that for three hours a week, would that feel better? Maybe a half hour a day for six hours, seven days a week, you might notice over time that you're starting to feel more refueled or recharged. Then we say, Yeah, but I don't have three hours a day. And then we do this surprising life math exercise where the quick version, and this is the quick version, sleep about 50 hours a week, work 40 to 50 hours a week, daily chores and errands that you have to do, but I have to wash the dishes, I have to run the kids here, I have to run there. About what do you say, three to four hours a day? That's another 28 hours a week. How many hours in a week? 168. So by the time you take care of sleep, work, and daily errands and stuff you feel like you have to do, you still have do the math, surprising life math, 40 hours, 40 hours for joy for replenishing. You can find three hours a week to take care of yourself. You'll actually, when you do the math, find out you have a lot more.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Wow. That's incredible to think of. And I don't know if I've ever fully done that math, but I'm definitely inspired to go spend some more time outdoors and more time with my family. Well, thank you so much, Dr. Marminini, for joining us today and helping us continue these important conversations. And to all of you for joining us on the Ripples of Resilience podcast. In our next episode, we'll be exploring healthy communications as a way to grow our relationships. From trust and openness to respect and empathy, we'll look at the essential ingredients that help both adults and young people feel supported, valued, and connected. If today's episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a ripple. Together, let's keep showing up, speaking up, and supporting the young minds who need us mostly.