Ripples of Resilience

Episode 8: Rethinking Limits: How Boundaries Protect Kids, Adults, and Relationships

• Jana Marie Foundation • Season 1 • Episode 8

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Boundaries aren’t walls that shut people out, they’re the guiderails that keep connection steady, respectful, and safe. We sit down with Dr. Peter Montminy, clinical child psychologist and certified mindfulness teacher, to unpack how clear, compassionate limits help kids and caregivers thrive without sliding into power struggles or burnout.

We start by defining healthy boundaries across daily life, including physical needs like sleep and downtime, emotional space during conflict, and relational agreements that reduce friction. Dr. Montminy introduces the "Four Cs": clarity about what matters, communication that is simple and respectful, consistency that builds trust, and compassion that keeps limits warm, not harsh. You’ll hear a practical, word-for-word script to calm tense moments: “When you do X, I feel Y, and I would like if we do Z instead.” We explore how to hold firm values while allowing flexibility at the edges through choice within limits and the Plan B mindset for life’s curveballs.

We also reframe the big myths. Boundaries aren’t selfish; they prevent resentment and protect the relationship. They don’t push people away when done kindly; they make connection safer. They aren’t rigid; they adapt without abandoning core values. And kids can absolutely understand limits, especially when we model them consistently. From morning routines to homework battles, from partner communication to self-care choices, you’ll learn small steps that ripple outward: two reminders then follow through, naming one clear “no” to protect a bigger “yes,” and agreeing on repair when words come out rough.

Walk away with concrete tools to set expectations, lower conflict, and support nervous system regulation during stressful moments. If you’re ready to trade repeating yourself ten times for calm, clear follow through, and to teach kids real resilience through everyday moments, this conversation offers scripts, structure, and hope. If it resonates, share it with a friend, then subscribe and leave a review so more caregivers can find these tools.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support.

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village.

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter.

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Welcome to the Ripples of Resilience podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we'll explore practical ways to support young minds and foster emotional resilience. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, president and founder of Jana Marie Foundation. Today we're diving into a topic that's at the heart of healthy relationships and strong emotional resilience, setting boundaries. Boundaries are the invisible lines that help define what's okay and what's not okay in our interactions with others. They allow us to protect our time, energy, and well-being while also teaching the young people in our lives how to respect themselves and those around them. Too often, boundaries are misunderstood as being harsh or selfish, but in reality, they're acts of kindness both to ourselves and to others because they create clarity, safety, and respect. In this episode, we'll unpack what healthy boundaries look like in everyday life, why they matter for both adults and children, and how we can become powerful tools for building resilience at any age or stage. I'm thrilled to be joined again by our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy, a clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher, and parenting coach from a mindful village. Welcome, Dr. Montminy.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Thanks, Marisa. Glad to be back.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

When you think of the word boundaries, what comes to mind and why do you think they matter in our relationships and daily lives?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah. So the boundaries we're talking about, as you said so beautifully in the intro, are limits and expectations that we set for ourselves and for others, and in particular our kids, to protect our time and energy, but also really to protect our values. And we're going to talk about limits are coming from a place of caring, of values about what's most important and where to draw the lines to really respect that. And in this way, we really build healthier relationships. So it's all intertwined, yeah? So we can have different types of boundaries, like physical boundaries, like I know I need to go to sleep now. I know I need to stop my to-do list now. I know I need to get out and walk and take care of myself and not do this other thing for somebody else right now, because I need to preserve and take care of my physical energy, emotional boundaries, like, you know, and relational boundaries often intertwined. I know my wife and I, for example, I like to kind of talk things out or I think my way through problems by talking and interacting with someone, right? And and so uh and my wife likes to kind of pause and reflect and have a little bit of space first before she's in better shape to engage and talk. So we have to constantly, we've been negotiating for over 40 years now, I can say uh happily for the most part. Uh um wouldn't want to be with any but other partner, that's for sure. But we constantly have the opportunity to say, wait a minute, I really want or need to talk this out right now. And she's like, I really need some space right now. And learning how to respect that is a vital thing to, as we say, healthier relationships. And we need to be able to do the same with our kiddos, right? Um you need to tell me right now. Well, we don't want kids to be defiant, but we also need to respect if the kiddo's not in a place emotionally to communicate us right now, how can we respect that boundary and say, okay, let's catch a breath, or need or when you calm down, when I calm down, we need to talk about this. So it's constantly negotiating what we're doing, when and how we're doing it, in a way, again, that respects our values and is coming from the place of hopefully being caring towards us, taking better care of ourselves. A lot of words, hope that made sense.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Absolutely. It's really about creating that safety and respect for one another and listening to what our own needs are for helping us regulate and better connect to the people around us. So boundaries aren't walls to keep people out, but instead they're guideposts that really show us how to stay connected in those healthy ways.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

100%. In fact, one of my favorite sayings, again, that I work with a lot of families with limit setting is empathic, right? Limit setting is empathic. Kids want, want, want, or they're pushing, pushing, pushing the limits. And it, right? It is not empathetic to actually always give in to what they want. We know that setting limits, even when, especially when they don't like it, may be exactly what they need to regroup, or in the long run to be healthier and more resilient. So over and over again, we sometimes nowadays in parenting we're a little shy about really setting those limits, following through consequences and tolerating our kids' distress around it. But we really need to reframe, wait a minute, limit setting, setting guardrails up is empathic to our kids' needs, especially when they're out of control and struggling. So really vital for promoting those healthy relationships, as you said. Yeah.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you. Um and so how do we figure out what elements are involved in those boundaries, right? There's it's more than just saying, this is what I want and you have to do it.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Absolutely. So we can start with the four C's to help us remember: clarity, communication, consistency, and all with the flavor of compassion. So we can start there. Clarity is really knowing what your own needs and limits are and being very clear about that. And one of the ways you can kind of check yourself and your kids is to just say, wait a minute, is what we're doing right now helpful or not helpful? Pause. If if I try to get through the morning routine this way or the bedtime routine that way, is this helpful towards more peaceful and on time getting out the door or not helpful? Set a limit. The other way is to ask yourself, is it energy gaining or energy draining? If I keep giving, giving, giving more than I actually have the energy to give, that's not really helping anyone, right? It may be well-intentioned. I want to keep giving to my kid, or I want to keep giving to my family, or I know to my job. Pause, breathe. Right now, is this energy gaining or draining in a way that I have room to do it and energy to do it or not? So getting clear ourselves and then communicating it, communicating those boundaries and those limits that I have for myself or the limits that I expect for my children, communicating those clearly and respectfully. One way to do that is I have a little simple script we spell out when there's, you know, oh, you make me so mad, or that's not okay, or whatever, we might, the kid might say that to us, we might say that to our kiddos sometimes. And instead, I have a three-part simple little script where you want to separate out the behavioral expectation, your feelings and struggle with it, and then set a new redirection for what we want to do with it. So it might sound like this. When you do blank, then I feel blank. And I would like if you or we could do blank instead, right? So when you keep running around and screaming instead of putting on your shoes and backpack to get out the door, I feel really frustrated. And I would like if we could find a way to have a more peaceful way of getting through the morning routine without getting into this tug of war. What do you think, kiddo? Let's figure out how you can take a breath, put your shoes on, and then go play tag with the cat or whatever.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Sounds so much like my household in the morning.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Many, many people's, yes. So, of course, then the third C consistency. Following through with boundaries that are reliable and predictable is really important to helping kids build a sense of resilience or capacity to face adversity. So we don't want to be rigid, we want to be consistent, giving the message with what's most important, our core values, and being a little bit flexible around the edges. We can talk about choice within limits. You know, we need to get this done, or you need to stop behaving like that, and you can have this choice or this choice nested within that firm boundary that we're going to be consistent with. I also talk about this is the main way we're going to do this. Unless something comes up, then we might have to go to plan B. So you can regularly build in, especially for kids who have trouble with transitions or troubles with limits of you need to stop playing that so we can go do this. This is what you can expect every day, except for when there's an exception. And then we'll go to plan B. Build that in as you communicate that ahead of time, can take care of some last-minute tantrum sometimes. And then finally, all of this with the flavor of kindness, not shaming or blaming, not scolding, no need to be harsh. We can be warm and firm at the same time. Remember, limit setting is empathic. I am drawing the line here, kiddo, because I care about you. And I want you to be able to learn to kind of calm down and take care of yourself, to be able to do hard things, to be able to follow adults' instructions, to be able to get a good night's rest. There's a reason I'm setting this limit right now, and it's a caring reason. So we remember to pause, breathe, and reconnect with the caring heart that is going along with our heads saying, here's where we need to draw the line today.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you. In a lot of our different podcast episodes, we've talked about the role of the adult when our kids are learning. And setting healthy boundaries is no exception. As adults and caring individuals, we really need to show those different boundaries and help educate our kids so that they can do the same things. It's about learning what's acceptable, what's not, what we're comfortable, where our no is, and being able to communicate that clearly. And when we do that ourselves, we're helping our child learn how to do that for themselves as well. Yeah.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Modeling it regularly, right? Following through. Again, kids pay attention to what we do, at least as much, if not more, than what we say. So modeling it and following through with it, vital.

unknown:

Yeah.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah. And we know that there's still some misconceptions around boundaries as well. We hear a lot of different uh information coming at us when we talk about boundaries and even some defensiveness sometimes from individuals who may have their own viewpoints on it. So let's take a moment and talk through some of the different reframes that we might use. One thing we hear sometimes is that boundaries are selfish. How might we reframe that?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

We want to reframe that as boundaries really help preserve the relationships and prevent more resentments. Someone may be frustrated if you put up that boundary or that limit, your kids, your partner, your boss at work. And in the long term, again, you're setting it that boundary, you're drawing that line because I know I can't give you my best self. I know you can't be your best self if we don't draw some lines here. And I'm doing it with the intention of being better in this relationship, in this task, or helping you be better in this task as well. So it's really about um being again promoting healthy acceptance of limitations that always exist anyway.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

What about when we hear boundaries just push people away?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Depending on how we do it, they might temporarily, but when we can set them again clearly, warmly, and firmly, they actually make connections safer and stronger. And even if in a moment of stating, drawing a boundary or a limit harshly, we can always come back and repair, repair and say, listen, I need you to know, even if I didn't say it as nicely as to how I wanted to say it, the what and the why for me drawing this line is important. And it's coming again from this caring position. So it's absolutely vital, again, to actually be clear and consistent with your boundaries to make relationships safer and stronger, not pushing people away.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

You touched on this one earlier, but I think it's important to re-emphasize one myth that we sometimes hear is that boundaries are rigid, they are fixed, and they should never be a compromise.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah. It's a funny thing, right? We talk about being consistent, consistent, consistent, and flexible, right? So you're looking for that Goldilocks sweet spot somewhere in the middle. You want to be far more predictable and consistent than not. But as we did start to say a few minutes ago, with the flexibility that sometimes circumstances change or there's curveballs that come at us, and we can adapt and be flexible and adjust a little bit. It doesn't mean we adjust our core values or our core limits that we think are most important, but we can again adjust a little bit on the margins. So again, giving kids choice within limits, right? You need to be in bed by eight o'clock with your teeth brushed, you know, and your pajamas on. Now, how we get teeth brush and pajamas on can be negotiable, but bedtime is not negotiable. Or we got home late from a ball game or a concert. So today's a plan B. Tonight's a plan B night. We're going to be a little going to bed a little bit later because we still want to calm down and get cleaned up for bed, right? So you still stick to the primary higher priorities, higher values, and allow some adjustments within that.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And it's still important to know where our no is. Is that right?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yes, yes. Uh I had a mentor years ago. That was one of her sayings. And so uh be flexible and and know where your no is, where your firm line is, and hold firm to what you think is most important to hold firm to. And kids will adapt to it. The more clear, caring, and consistent you can communicate it.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Perfect. And that brings us to our final myth that's out there. Sometimes we believe that kids can't understand boundaries. How do we reframe that?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Kids thrive when adults set clear, consistent limits. It teaches them respect and self-regulation skills. It is true in life that we all have limitations and can't always get what we need, right? I was going to start to sing the Rolling Stone song, but I will spare you today. So it's remembering again, limit setting is empathic. Even when in the moment the kiddo's not liking it, they get the integrity. When you're again caring and consistent, they get the integrity of the limits. And they need it, especially when they are out of control and dysregulated with their emotions, their impulses. Literally, their nervous system is vibrating at this bouncing off the wall level, and their bodies sometimes are literally like shaking or bouncing off the walls, right? That's when they most need us to set limits. When they scream and cry at us, they don't want the limit, maybe when they most need the limit, right? And so we can be calm, clear, firm. Yes, I know you're kind of struggling with that, and we're doing this right now because this is what you need, even if part of it doesn't feel good. Um we need to be the guardrails on the curvy, winding road of life growing up, so that if the kids are going too fast around the turn, they're not spilling, spinning out down into the gully, but they can bounce off of maybe our cushioned guardrails safely, but they need the guardrails always.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you. So to reiterate, boundaries protect well-being. They strengthen relationships and teach children the essential life skills.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, I loved what you said earlier that setting boundaries isn't about keeping people out. It's about letting healthier, more respectful connections in. I love that.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And so I think it's important to think through those action steps that we can all take. It's easy to look at this and want to start really big and set boundaries in every aspect of our life. But if this isn't something we've done before, it might be more helpful to start at a smaller scale and to start introducing these boundaries so that we can be clear and consistent and compassionate as we set them. What are some advice that you might have for us?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Yeah, sure. Completely keeping with our Ripples of Resilience podcast, right? Small little drops in the pond ripple out to have big effects over time. So, for example, setting a limit with your kids, uh, not saying 10 times you need to, you know, put that down and come to the table, or you need to stop playing with that and come do your homework. But be very clear, I'm gonna say it once, I'm gonna say it twice, and by the third time, I'm following through, and there's meaningful consequences related to you not listening the first or second time, right? I'll give you a mulligan. I said it once, maybe you didn't hear me, maybe you're having trouble shifting gears. I'll say it a second time, but three strikes and you're out. By the third time, enough. Parents often will sit and say, I can't I can't stand it. I have to say ten times to get the kid to do something. Well, the first couple of times may be on the kid, but you know, by the time we're up to eight, nine, or ten times, that's on us. Don't say it ten times. Say it once or twice and follow through. And have a little talk with the kid ahead of time. We're gonna do this so we're not getting into these long-winded tug-of-war arguments. Once, twice, this is what you can expect from me, and then I'm gonna follow through.

unknown:

You know?

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Uh with our partners, we might say, hey, just like I said earlier, in negotiating my relationships, this is when it's okay for me to talk, and and uh this is when I need some space, and being able to mutually communicate that and respect that, a small little thing. With all these, you can say, and let's try it and see. Let's try it for the next week and see if it's going better or worse. And you're doing it collaboratively. You're not doing it to your kid or to your partner, you're doing it with them. Again, that clear communication, caring communication piece is vital. With yourself, you might just pick one thing this week to say no to that is in the service of saying yes to something that's more important to you. Saying yes to something you value more or you believe is in the beta greater good for your well-being or for your kids' well-being. And yes, that often means something you have to say no to. And see, if you reframe it that way, it can help you set some self-care boundaries to step into what ultimately is gonna serve you and your kids better in the long run. And that's related to your time and energy as well, drawing the lines on I'm gonna choose to do this, and that means I'm gonna choose to let go of this other thing. Often the hard part for us perfectionists, yeah?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Absolutely.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

So any one of those, right? That was four different examples, and we're not saying do all of these things. We're saying pick one this week, start there, play with it, and see how it feels.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Yeah, thank you.

Dr. Peter Montminy:

Absolutely.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Dr. Montminy, thank you for joining us today and for continuing these important conversations. And to all of you, thank you for joining us on a Ripples of Resilience podcast. In our next episode, we'll explore conflict resolution and provide practical strategies for listening with empathy, expressing needs clearly, and finding common ground even in difficult conversations. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter. And by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If today's episode resonated with you, share it with a friend and don't forget to subscribe so you never miss a ripple. Together, let's keep showing up, speaking up, and supporting the young minds who need us most. Remember, even the smallest actions can create waves of change. Now that we've explored what boundaries mean and why they matter, let's dig a little deeper. What do you think are the key elements of healthy boundaries? And we know children learned the most about boundaries not from lectures, but by watching how the adults in their lives sat and communicate and respect their own boundaries. Even though modeling is powerful, many misconceptions about boundaries can get in the way. Let's take a moment to look at some of the most common myths and why they aren't true. That's a great reminder. We don't have to overhaul our whole life at once. We can start small. We can think of just one boundary we want to set or reinforce this week and take intentional steps toward honoring it.