Ripples of Resilience

Episode 7: How Small Daily Moments Grow Strong Bonds

• Jana Marie Foundation • Season 1 • Episode 7

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Strong bonds don’t happen by accident; they grow from small, repeatable choices that tell a young person, “You’re safe with me.” We sit down with Dr. Peter Montminy, clinical child psychologist and certified mindfulness teacher, to explore how connection, play, and consistent limits shape a child’s nervous system, build secure attachment, and make daily life smoother for everyone at home.

We start with the science of safety, how kids calibrate to our tone, pace, and posture and translate it into simple practices you can use today. You’ll hear how a five-minute morning routine can turn chaos into calm, why scheduling both fun and tough check-ins reduces nagging, and how to use the WAIT prompt to stop over-talking and start understanding. We share the funnel method for questions, moving from open-ended to multiple choice when needed, plus timing tips that make hard conversations easier; think car rides, walks, and side-by-side chats.

Then we tackle boundaries without the drama. You’ll learn why limits are acts of respect, how to follow through calmly, and a clean framework for earned freedom that teens accept. We model quick repair scripts, such as “I was frustrated; let’s try again,” to show kids mistakes are fixable and relationships can recover. By pairing warmth with structure, you create a secure base and a safe haven where confidence grows.

If you’re ready for fewer standoffs and more teamwork, this conversation gives you scripts, schedules, and small habits that stick. Subscribe, share with a caregiver who needs a lift, and leave a review to tell us the one change you’ll try this week.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support.

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village.

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter.

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Welcome to the Ripples of Resilience Podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore practical ways to support young minds and foster emotional resilience. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, president and founder of Jana Marie Foundation. At the heart of resilience lies connection, those everyday moments of listening, laughing, and learning together that build trust and belonging. But relationships aren't always easy to navigate, especially between parents and kids. So how do we nurture healthy, supportive connections that help young people and adults grow and thrive? That's what today's episode is all about: healthy relationships. What makes them strong? How do we communicate in ways that build trust and respect? And how can small intentional actions make a big difference in our families and communities? I'm thrilled to be joined by our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy, a clinical child psychologist, certified mindfulness teacher, and parenting coach from A Mindful Village. Welcome back to the podcast, Dr. Montminy.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Thank you, Marisa. Glad to be here.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So before we dive in, let's take a moment to reflect. Think for a moment about a time when someone really listened to you. No phone, no interruptions, just presence. How did that make you feel? That sense of being heard and understood, that's what we want to help parents and kids create more of. Dr. Montmini, why are supportive relationships with young people so important?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Well, there's lots of reasons, but I'll start with the number one predictor of adult outcomes in terms of wellness and well-being, mentally, socially, vocationally, in every other way is relationships, the nature of the responsive, caregiving relationships early in life. Now, that puts a lot of responsibility on parents. We don't fully predict, we don't fully control our child's rest of their life, but we have a very strong influence, obviously. We have a big part to play. So the exciting part there, and you know, they say in um real estate, it's location, location, location. In mental health, it's relationship, relationship, relationship, right? So why is that? There's two ways I want to kind of dial into that a little bit right off the bat. And at the very neurobiological level, literally kids calibrate their nervous system on ours. The mirror neurons in the brain, the vagus nerve surrounding the gut. When you have a gut feeling as to whether you feel safe with this person or comfortable, or you just have a gut feeling like something's off, that's a real thing. There's literally this whole nervous system that is designed for us as social mammals to cue in to the other person for signs of safety and comfort, or say signs of danger or threat. So how we be present with our kids and how we can be responsive to their needs at a very biological level is happening all the time and is vital to helping them establish a basic sense of security and comfort in the world that can lead then to confidence and going out into the world. And that gets to the second piece I want to talk about, the psychosocial way that our relationships, why they're so important, is the idea of attachment, right? And that is that children develop their capacity for self-regulation, again, in that context of an attuned relationship with a self-regulating adult. And from very early on, our role as caregivers for our developing children is to provide both a secure base from which they can explore out into the world and to serve as a safe haven for them to return in times of fear, confusion, discombobulation. So we call that the circles of security. You can look up the circle of security in terms of early attachment relationship stuff with parents and kids. And it's a vital concept, not just for infants and toddlers, but throughout the whole developmental spectrum, we want to keep being that secure base for our kids. It takes slightly different forms, and we'll get into developmental differences perhaps a little later. But those are reasons why it really is critical that we tend to the quality of our relationship with our kids.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And that safety and that security are such a fundamental need that we all have, and being able to provide that for the kids and young people in our life is just so important. We also recognize that healthy relationships between parents and kids, or teachers and kids, or caring adults and the youth in our lives are really built on mutual respect and empathy. It's not about being perfect, it's about being present. And I know that's a theme that we have had all throughout the podcast.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Yes, it is. One of our favorite sayings. That's right.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So, how can we use everyday moments to continue strengthening the relationships that we have with young people in our lives and remind them that we're there to support them and provide them with that safety that's so crucial to their development?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Yeah. Well, first and foremost, it's not always about having these sit-down, heart-to-heart chats or therapeutic moments or brilliant, insightful moments together. First and foremost, it's about having fun, like by golly. And while that sounds like so simple and ridiculous, in today's hustle-bustle life, hyper-scheduled life, digital information age, hyper-demanding life and overwhelm life, literally remembering to just have little moments and spaces to enjoy each other, to laugh and have fun together and play together is absolutely not superfluous. It's not it's vital. It's absolutely vital. So just reminding ourselves to give us permission, like there's such this pressure nowadays to be productive, and I got to get this, this, and this done, right? And we don't have time for something that's frivolous as play. Bam. Wrong answer. It is the most fundamental thing we can do to help our children feel seen, safe, held, and connected and cared about. So by golly, um, you know, look for those little moments uh of tender connections and opportunities to just have active, fun, playful times and quiet, snuggling playful times of whatever flavor your child enjoys or you enjoy, right?

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And we think about play a lot for our younger kids, right? So when my child was a toddler, it's kind of built into those daily routines. But when they move into those adolescent years, high school teen years, that play is still important.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Trevor Burrus 100%. So glad you said that, right? Because we can and of course, you know, kids may start between to teen years, they're rolling their eyes, or you know, or obviously they want to go out and be with their friends at times, yes, more than their parents. It doesn't mean they don't still want and cherish playful connecting times with you, watching TV, going for a walk, playing catch out in the yard, going shopping together, listening to music, finding out what their music interests are, letting them show you what they do on video games a little bit, right? Connecting anywhere in a fun, playful way at every age is absolutely vital. If you're finding that tough, schedule it, schedule play dates in and make it a scheduled appointment for either fun time or the other thing I'll say in terms of a way to make everyday moments strengthen relationships is also if there are difficult times or chores or homework or there's conflict, schedule a time. You can try to address it right then, of course, but also schedule times to say, all right, we'll have a little check-in about this at this time, and schedule many appointments. Work with a family recently, the kiddo's having a hard time getting up and get going in the morning, right? And they're struggling and they're anxious and they're arguing and hard to get out the door. And the mom now is is just does this little with the aid of the Headspace app. They do a five to six-minute little morning meditation together. She comes in, snuggles with her daughter, they play this little five-minute guided meditation, very simple, soothing, start, soft opening to your day, and gets out. And she said it's made a world of difference, those five minutes on the front end to getting through the next hour of getting out the door. Again, never perfectly, but much better. Another family I'm working with, you know, the nagging about homework and chores, and it's just a black cloud hanging over the kid's head, and the parents are always trying to say, you know, what about this? What about that, your homework or when are you going to get this done? And I often with families, you know, contract, listen, schedule a five, 10-minute check-in a day, or a half-hour family meeting a week to do weekend review, weekend preview. And only at those times will you then check in about where you are with your homework or where are we at with getting this chore done. So that the rest of the day or the rest of the week, it's not a consuming thing, and you keep falling into these repeat, nagging conversations. So literally set on your phone or timer, and if it's an older kid, their phone or timer, a time where we're going to have We don't have to worry about this until right here at this time, right before or after dinner at 7 o'clock when you get home from school. Schedule time to connect around challenging parts of your day or week, in addition to building in and scheduling time for fun.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And that schedule can be so helpful. And a lot of what you were talking about is really coming down to the way that we communicate with the individuals in our life. And so how can we define what truly helpful communication looks like?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

I think the tips I was just offering were what I call the macro structuring, setting things up for space and time for these connection, communication moments. And at the more micro level, then yes, what do we do inside these little windows of time, whether they're scheduled or spontaneous? We want to first of all approach that interaction with the child intentionally. So I will over and over again ask you to challenge yourself to pause and say, what's my intention here right now? What's my highest intention for this child? They're arguing, they're avoiding, they're not getting things done. We're ha in the middle of a hassle, we're busy, we're, you know, they're disengaged, they're they're disruptive, whatever the challenge may be. And you may think, well, I just want them to be quiet, or I just want them to cooperate, or I just want them to get in the car, I just want them to stop arguing and get this work done. What you really want, a higher intention in that moment, is you want them to be able to learn to self-regulate their emotions and impulses better. What you really want is for them to learn how to do hard things more independently and self-sufficiently. What you really wish for them is to be able to grow up into happy, self-satisfied, self-sufficient, functioning adults. So in the little silly friction moments when we pause and go, wait a minute, my highest intention is for the child to know I care about them, being able to regulate and be able to learn to grow into doing something hard. Let's just say that as an example. When we reconnect with that caring intention for our child in this moment of interaction, especially in a moment of conflict, and we have an upcoming episode more on conflict resolution, but for any interaction, I'm approaching it with a caring intention. It changes our vibration, it changes our facial expression, our body language, and hopefully the tone of voice and the words that come out. So really start with being intentional and then bring the gift of presence, as we keep saying. Let's show up and be as present as possible, multitasking, and sometimes you know we brag about how I can multitask or this or that.

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No.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Let's pause, be present for a few seconds, if not a few minutes, and then shift to the next thing and the next thing. But can we be fully present? And we know when we are. We know we have those times when we are. It goes better with our kids than when we're, excuse me, half-assed listening and paying attention and juggling and getting short-tempered and impatient and frustrated, right? And likewise with them. So uh and then uh certainly the active or reflective listening. Am I listening not only with open ears, am I listening with an open body posture? Am I listening with open eyes and making contact, soft gaze, not staring, and am I listening with an open heart and actively really attending to not just what my child's saying, but what's the underlying feeling or need, the underlying meaning of what they're saying. Am I paying attention to their nonverbal communication as well as their verbal to know what's really going on for them as best I can? And then to reflect that back. Hey, I see you're really frustrated, I see you're struggling. It sounds like you're you're thinking this. And literally you reflect it back to them like a mirror with one sentence. We reflect it back, and then we can join in with, okay, uh good to know that's what you're thinking or feeling, and this is something I'm thinking or feeling. Let's try to work it out this way. So always pausing intentionally, what do I hope to get out of this interaction? Pause, breathe, restabilize my nervous system, reflect to them that I see and hear you literally out loud. This is what I hear you saying, or what I seems like you're feeling, and then respectfully communicate your take, your redirection, even if it's a correction. Great. But those prerequisites are really about opening communication skills.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So important. And we know that communication goes far beyond our words. It's about listening with curiosity, validating those emotions, and responding thoughtfully, just as you shared. We often stress these very things in the tuning into teens program that we offer. And we also recognize that there are some common barriers that prevent us from fully being engaged when it comes to these communications with our kids. Things that this includes are like our busy schedules, digital distractions, our power struggles that we run into, and even jumping to conclusions or assumptions. So turning off that little voice in our head and really allowing ourselves to be fully present. So, what are some of those practical tools we can use when trying to engage in conversations with our kids?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Well, I'm actually, as you're talking, remembering back to our very first episode, the power of the pause, right? Yes. Always begin with that pause button, which again in the hustle bustle, reactive, gotta gotta gotta go, go, go lifestyle is the opposite of what we tend to do and our kids tend to do. So literally developing the habit of just pausing. One breath, one beat, and then stepping into whatever it is. And uh leading with listening or understanding first, right one of you know, Stephen Covey's back in the day, the seven of habits of highly effective people, right? One of my favorite all-time golden rules is seek first to understand and then to be understood was one of his seven habits. And I think it's so vital. So pause, seek to understand your child, see, hear, understand them first, and then be able to seek to be understood and respond with whatever the parent directive might be or the parent take on the situation or conversation may be. There's a fun acronym, wait, W A I T. If you find yourself diving in and talking too much, or your kid tuning out, wait, why am I talking? W-A-I-T. Wait, why am I talking? Let me wait and listen first and talk second. Yeah. When I am talking or inquiring, and we're trying to have communications that are door opening with our kids, not door closing. Asking open-ended questions is another standard kind of communication 101 skill, right? So we remind ourselves to ask open-ended questions, not leading questions so much or yes-no questions so much, because then the kid can just nod one way or another just to get us off their back, and we don't know what they're really thinking or feeling. So, you know, hey, what are you thinking? What are you feeling is an open-ended question? What, when, where are open-ended questions. And we want to ask, you know, you've we've talked before about things like, you know, asking about school. You might say, hey, how was school? But that might be too open-ended. So it might be better to add a little specificity like, hey, what was the most fun part of your day at school? And what was the hardest part of your day at school? That's still open-ended, but a little bit more specific. I'll just add one more uh tip uh if I may. Um okay, I lied. Two more. If the open-ended question was getting a lot of I don't know's shrugs, one-word answers, that's not productive. Then you can go into think about the funnel way of picturing four sets of questions you can use. The most open-ended is, hey, what was your day like? What was the hardest part of it? What was the most fun part of it? If they're having trouble answering that, you can go to fill in the blank questions like, so a really fun part of your afternoon was what? Blank, fill in the blank. And sometimes just giving that sentence down literally is enough for the kid to finish the sentence. Open-ended, fill in the blank. Next is multiple choice. Multiple choice questions are golden when the open-ended isn't working. Hey, you know, I know sometimes you've said that you really enjoyed recess playing with Johnny. Was there any fun with Johnny today? Or maybe you enjoyed, you know, a science experiment today, or maybe you liked opening circle this morning. I wonder which of those might have been your favorite part of the day. So you're not being completely leading, but you're offering what you know, working hypotheses, common sense, say here's some likely possibilities for this kiddo. If a kid's having a hard time telling you how they're feeling, hey, you know what? Sometimes kids in this situation might do that behavior because they're feeling really anxious or nervous, or because they're feeling ticked off about the person, or because they're just feeling confused about it, or even bored. Which of those most closely fits for you? So you can offer some reasonable possibilities that may help prime the pump for the child to respond to you. And if that fails, you can go all the way down to the narrowest of questions, the true-false questions, the yes-no questions. And uh the final tip I'll offer is being aware of the child's preferences for time and place to open up more and communicate. When do they have better energy? When do they feel less pressured, less hangry, perhaps, right? How much do they like personal space? Do they talk better with you when they're snuggling close or when you give them a little bit more literally physical distant space? Some kids you want to make really good eye contact. Some kids, eye contact's intimidating. So you're aware of your individual child's preferences and sensitivities, yeah? And tend to that. Sometimes you need to be fiddling, doodling, fooling with something. Let them fiddle if it's helping them stay with the conversation, right? Or they need to be antsy a little bit. Well, sit still and listen. Well, maybe the kid listens better if they're actually moving, not sitting still. So you want to work with them to find their preferences there. Sometimes side-by-side conversation is better than face-to-face. Sometimes walk and talk, sometimes in the car rides, great opportunities, right, for opening up, or bedtime back rubs. So attend to consciously, what are the time and places in my day, two minutes here, ten minutes there, then I'm going to be optimally available to connect, and that my kids are going to be likely to connect. And then use those different types of questions to kind of help you along.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

That makes perfect sense. And I know one of the things that we talked about the other day in the tuning into teens program is being accountable when we don't always get it right. So we think we know our kids and what works best for them, but some days they might just have a different idea of how they want to talk or how they want to communicate. So we can also model that vulnerability. And in doing so, it helps them understand that it's okay if they don't always have things right either. Um, and it helps give them some words when maybe they do get something not quite right. So we can say things like, I was really frustrated earlier, and here's what helped me. Or I didn't quite have that right. Let's try again. Yeah. So those little phrases can also help build those connections and build that trust. And it's okay if if we're not perfect.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Totally, totally beautiful. Yeah.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

And so we just to kind of summarize, we know that parents modeling these behaviors and practicing the pause before respond can not only improve communication at home, but also help youth grow through their own communication skills in schools and with friendships. They begin to learn it's okay to make mistakes and repair them. And I know we'll be talking about this in future episodes, but just real quickly, let's touch on boundaries because they are a big part of healthy communication. Boundaries, as we'll talk about later, sometimes get a bad reputation, but they're really about respect. They show kids that relationships can be both loving and safe, which brings us back to the beginning conversation of really helping them with their development.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Yeah, absolutely. And and the specific place that you may draw those boundary lines or limit setting with kids will certainly change over time by their developmental age. It will change based on their particular temperament and how what type of guardrails they need. But kids need guardrails. Why? Because guess what? Life is full of limitations and you can't always get what you want, right? And so teaching kids how to make peace with limits is a vital life skill. Limit setting is empathic, as we've said before, and no doubt I will say again over and over. And the key is not just to state the limit, but to follow through on it. And to follow through on it calmly and clearly, without fear that it'll upset my kid or they won't like me or whatever. Uh, but to remember my kiddo needs this. And so balancing, hey, structure and limits with freedom and growth opportunities. And I have a way that I really frame that a lot with families, again, that I they work with, that we work with kids and say, look, as you're able to meet this expectation for, you know, from early on dressing yourself or feeding yourself to being able to more independently get your homework done and submitted on time where you're taking care of your business, you know. As you're able to meet this expectation, whatever it may be, and show greater maturity, you then earn greater privileges and freedoms. With teens all the time, what do they want more than anything? They want, you know, they well, they want to be supported and things paid for and then and being taken care of in those ways. But then they want, you know, privacy and freedom and they want to be able to have more time with friends or on their own or whatever. When you show me that you can work with this boundary of you're not okay to be on this social media site, or you're not okay to be texting like this, or you can come in at curfew at this time as we get older, right? Then you may have more phone privileges, social dating privileges, whatever, fill in the blank. So when you can show me that you can meet this expectation within limits, then you actually earn widening of where those limits or guardrails are because you're showing the maturity to step into greater freedom in a healthy way. And so the the wrap-up on that is that this is a caring way of teaching the kid how to take care of themselves and get along better in life. It's not just to be a punitive son of a gun.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

So important to keep in mind as parents, because I know sometimes we can feel bad that we're upsetting our children's feelings with setting those boundaries, but really it is about keeping them safe and about providing those guide rails for them so they can learn those lifelong skills that are so important. So thank you so much for sharing all this amazing information today, Dr. Montminy. Um, it there's been so many different points that we have made throughout this episode. So just to wrap up, what are some ideas on small changes that we can make this week to help build connection through uh communication?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village:

Pause, right? Breathe, and step into your interactions with your kids intentionally. It's time for some fun. We need some fun and lightness and laughter. It's time for a heart-to-heart conversation about some of these things. It's time for some clear expectation and firm limits. What does my child need today, right now, for this part of the day? What's something we need to work on better this week? Step into that intentionally, communicate it clearly with your kiddo, and then list their help and buy-in to how we can get along better and be happier by following through on some of these things a little differently.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation:

Thank you, Dr. Montminy. And one thing that I'm gonna take away is that healthy communication is built on consistency, not perfection. I feel like our conversation today really helps drive that point home. It doesn't have to be fancy. It doesn't have to be perfect. It's about trying to find ways that work for our homes and our families. So be sure to join us on our next episode where we'll dive deeper into boundaries and how they strengthen those healthy relationships. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter, and by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. Together, let's keep showing up, speaking up, and supporting the young minds who need us most. Remember, even the smallest actions can create waves of change.