From Magic Years To Driver’s Seat: Guiding Kids Through Development With Love, Logic, And Letting Go

Growth doesn’t follow a script, and neither should we. As kids move from the magic years to the driver’s seat, their brains, emotions, and needs change fast—and that’s where developmental parenting becomes a game-changer. We sit down with clinical child psychologist and parenting coach Dr. Peter Montminy to map out how love, limits, and letting go shift from early childhood through adolescence, and how small, consistent adjustments create big, lasting gains in resilience.

We start with the foundations: safety and attachment in early childhood. You’ll hear how the Circle of Security helps us act as a secure base kids can launch from and return to, why “love and limits” is the essential pairing, and how simple language and predictable routines wire emotional safety. Then we head into the elementary years, where concrete thinking and fairness take center stage. Dr. Montminy explains how love plus logic fuels skill building, how to use feedback that grows self-efficacy, and why belonging at home and school protects kids as they stretch.

Adolescence raises the stakes: identity, autonomy, and intense emotions move to the front. We break down a practical roadmap for widening guardrails as teens demonstrate readiness, shifting from directing to coaching to co-piloting. Expect clear scripts you can use to replace lectures with curiosity, plus a simple framework for helping teens earn the two things they want most—freedom and privacy—through responsible choices. Across home and classroom, we return to the same core: connection before compliance, empathy plus accountability, and follow-through that is calm, clear, and consistent.

If you’ve ever wondered why last month’s strategy suddenly stopped working, this conversation will help you ask a better question: What does this child need at this stage? Listen, share with a fellow caring adult, and if the episode helps, subscribe and leave a review so more families and educators can find it.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support. 

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village. 

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter. 

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Transcript

Setting The Stage: Why Stages Matter

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 0:15

Welcome back to the Ripples of Resilience, a podcast by Jana Marie Foundation, where we talk about the small intentional moments that create lasting waves of connection, confidence, and hope for children and teens. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere. In our last episode, we talked about brain development and what's happening beneath the surface as kids grow, especially during adolescence. Today we're building on that conversation by exploring what it looks like to parent, teach, and support kids through the developmental stages. Because one of our biggest challenges for adults is this what worked last year or even last month might not work anymore. And that doesn't mean we're doing something wrong. It means our kids are growing. I'm joined once again by our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy, a clinical child psychologist and parenting coach from A Mindful Village. Peter, welcome back.

Dr. Peter Montminy 1:14

Thanks, Marisa. This is such an important topic. Excited to talk about this today. Important for both parents and educators.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 1:21

Absolutely. So let's start off by defining the term. When we talk about parenting or working with kids through the developmental stages, what do we really mean?

What Developmental Parenting Means

Speaker 1 1:33

Yeah, well, at its core, developmental parenting is about aligning our expectations and our responses to our kids to where they're at developmentally, not just their age, though it often correlates with age, but our kids may be developing differently in terms of their cognitive development, their social emotional development, their neurological brain development. So we want to try to be as attuned as we can to what are their current developmental capacities and needs and adapt right alongside them as we go. Core principles will remain the same, but areas of emphasis and particular techniques may vary to match their developmental

Dr. Peter Montminy 2:10

needs, if that makes sense.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 2:12

It does. So really, instead of asking, why isn't this working anymore, we ask, what does this child need at this stage?

Dr. Peter Montminy 2:21

Exactly.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 2:22

So let's walk through the stages, starting with early childhood.

Early Childhood: Love And Limits

Dr. Peter Montminy 2:27

Yeah. In early childhood, the primary developmental tasks are safety, attachment, and the very beginning of emotion regulation that'll be important throughout. It's really about making those connections and a sense of physical safety first, but that also creates a sense of psychological security in kids. As they start exploring the world, putting things in their mouth, crawling, walking, talking, right, training themselves, socializing with kids, preschool, friends in the neighborhood, in the family, they're really developing the idea of let me explore the world and see what I can do and not do. It's the first beginnings of autonomy, where and in this sense of I'm a self in the world, and they start learning I have agency, I can do things in the world. But to them, the world is also very self-centered and it's magical. They're not able to kind of think so logically, they're just very much in the moment. So we call these the magic years, where it's a lot of fun and fantasies by day, but the fears may come out at night. So really, as kids are exploring their world, what they need from us is love and limits. They need to learn what's safe, where are the boundaries, again, both physically and psychologically and socially. And so we can work from the attachment literature with the model of like the circle of security, whereas parents, we serve as a secure base for the kids to explore the world from. And we want to be encouraging to send them out into the world to explore things, but also setting boundaries on what's safe exploration, right? So that's why we keep saying love and limits are really critical here. So we serve as that secure base to encourage kids to go explore their world, but also serve as a safe haven for them to return to when they get a boo-boo or make a mistake or get upset or get scared. And so we hold them, reassure them, re-anchor them in a sense of security, not with the idea that then we smother them with our love and reassurance and keep them bonded to us or close to us, but with the idea that then they're ready to launch back out with us as the secure base to again explore their world. And think of that continuing circle of security is what we want to give these kids.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 4:41

Excellent. So for parents and teachers, that can look like simple language, clear boundaries, and lots of reassurance.

Dr. Peter Montminy 4:50

That's right.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 4:51

What shifts during the elementary years?

Dr. Peter Montminy 4:54

Yeah, in the elementary years, the kids' brains are developing and they're shifting from, in Piagetian terms, pre-operational thinking to concrete operational thinking. Around age five, six, the brain's shifting where it's starting to understand the logic and sequence and categorizing of things, how things are the same or different, how they fit in together or not. And that's why we send our kids to school at around age six, because they're ready now to start mastering the colors, shapes, letters, sentences, rules for addition and math and how things fit together cognitively, but they're doing the same thing for how we fit together socially as well. So it's all about skill building. It's about social skill building, problem solving, and emotional awareness more. They're learning about rule-governed behavior, rules for, again, what fits together logically in the classroom, but also rules for what fits together in the playground or in the family. So they're very much governed by mastering how things fit together in very concrete physical observational terms. And from this idea of being very rule-bound of this fits here and that fits there in the world, they also are very attuned to what's fair and unfair, and we start getting through the early childhood years, that fair, unfair kind of thing. So we want to guide our kids with love and logic here. Love always, the attachment, secure emotional support, and now more logical explanation of this is why this is this way, and this is why this is that way. And as they learn those rules, they're really learning to master the skills they need academically, behaviorally, and socially.

Elementary Years: Skills And Fairness

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 6:36

Thank you. And from my understanding, this is also when kids really start to internalize messages about who they are.

Dr. Peter Montminy 6:45

Yeah, absolutely. And consistent encouragement, reinforcement of their efforts, modeling and coaching skills, and giving them a sense of belonging are really the key protective factors to help them internalize a sense of self in the world that can be put out there for good use.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 7:05

So let's move on to adolescence. This can often feel like one of the most challenging stages for adults.

Dr. Peter Montminy 7:13

Yeah, absolutely, because this is where the teenagers now are really working on a greater sense of autonomy and identity, specifically identifying who they are and how they fit in outside of the family unit. So it is their job to start to break away. And where before they were kind of fitting in and conforming to family rules and values for the most part, or sometimes struggling with that. Now their job really is to go out, test the waters of how does the world make sense outside of the nest in a much bigger way. And they're much more now like philosophers, they're internalizing things, and they're thinking about not just, you know, what's fair on a superficial rule basis, but they're looking for their values of what's integrity to me, what matters to me. And so the sense of identity and belonging outside of the family is really the main thing going on for them. And their brains are wired increasingly now to seek that independence. But again, as we've talked about before, the the emotional brain is overdeveloping ahead of the uh cognitive controls. So sometimes they're out there kind of connecting with those short-term, what feels good to me and what fits in. So how do we, as parents, practice love and letting go? Obviously, from age 12 to 18, 13 to 18, big difference. But I coach parents a lot on being able to focus on love and letting go during the adolescent years. We still need to let kids experiment and fail, but with some guardrails. Gradually we let those guardrails be wider and wider, right? And let them kind of experiment more. And it's a scary, exciting and scary time for everybody. I guess the last thing I'll say for this is in at the moment, the love and letting go metaphor. I talk about, you know, you start out at the beginning of the teen year still being in the driver's seat and your kids, you know, a passenger maybe. And increasingly you're going to go from giving directives and controlling where they go and what they do to understanding you have to let go and can't control that as much anymore. So eventually we shift to coaching them and modeling for them how to drive through the road of life here. But then eventually we need to get the kids in the driver's seat, not just literally at age 16, but social emotionally, and we go in the co-pilot seat. And instead of telling them, we increasingly shift to asking and inquiring and guiding and coaching from that approach. And then eventually we're backseat drivers and then in the trunk and then out of the car, mom and dad, and let the kids, you know, 17, 18, they got to start figuring this stuff out more themselves. You shift from being a direct boss to an advisor or a consultant.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 10:04

And I think that's so important. We talk a lot about that in in our programs as well. And it's so hard because you want to always be there and to protect your kids, but they do need to learn and and they do have the skills to navigate through those challenges. And our role really does become asking more questions, becoming more curious, and standing with them as they're learning to take those next steps forward from whatever challenge they might be experiencing.

Speaker 1 10:33

Yeah, exactly. Less control, more conversation, always with that compassionate curiosity, right?

Adolescence: Identity And Letting Go

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 10:40

Absolutely. So, what are some common challenges adults face when they don't adjust for developmental stages?

Dr. Peter Montminy 10:48

Yeah. Well, there's I I think of it as going possibly in two different directions of challenges. One big one is holding kids to expectations that they're not developmentally ready for, either setting too high of expectations that they're not really ready for, and another one is really holding them back and thinking they're not ready for it. So, you know, well, how am I supposed to know? Well, you take it's ongoing micro conversations, micro-explorations, micro mistakes, and then the conversations of how are we learning from those mistakes. We need to allow kids the risk to take and make mistakes, as we've talked about before, is the only way to build hardiness that builds resilience, right? So we want to be careful about what are the expectations for how much independence is this child ready for. And kids show us that by how they are responsible with the degree of freedom or responsibility was given them. What I say to the kids are you want more a teenager wants two things. They want more freedom or privileges, and they want more privacy. And I'm like, dude, here's how you're going to earn more privacy about your parents not checking on your cell phone so much or going through your backpack so much, is you're showing you're making responsible choices and explaining how you're making those responsible choices with your parents along the way. And gradually then we release and give a longer leash as you've earned it. I don't care if you're at this age or this grade and all the other kids are allowed to do this and you're not. You show me with your behaviors that you've mastered good decision-making choices, self-regulation, and I'll know you're ready for the next degree of freedom or privilege, yeah, or privacy. So it's incremental, ongoing conversations of care, not any hard-lined fixed thing, but shifting that over time by how your kiddos doing with it and being very clear. When you're showing me this, then you're earning more opportunities for this. When you're showing you're struggling more or making more mistakes, then we tighten up the guardrails more, right? And we have ongoing conversations to help them grow into it.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 12:56

That makes sense. And I know one thing I found helpful too is even sometimes reframing. So what skill is a child still learning? And that can sometimes help with just recognizing where is this child at in terms of development. And it's not always just about an age number, but so many other factors go into where they're at developmentally and how we can best support them.

Dr. Peter Montminy 13:22

Yeah. Focusing on that, what skill is the child learning is absolutely a key question that changes how we respond. It really shifts us from a behavior management perspective to an emotion coaching perspective. From a how am I controlling my kids' behaviors better to how am I teaching my child self-control better, right? So really key to reframe that way.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 13:46

Yes. So how can this approach translate across both parenting and education settings?

Dr. Peter Montminy 13:53

Yeah, the principles are really the same. It's about connection first, connections over compliance, building that relationship of exploring together and being more directive and limit setting earlier and being more collaborative and letting go later in their development. But we're connecting first, we're being clear, calm, and consistent with what both our expectations are and following through with meaningful consequences. We can overdo the whole attachment parenting movement or the gentle parenting movement. Great to start there with caring connections. But I'm absolutely a firm believer, both professionally and personally, I've seen it for 40 years. If we don't have clear limits and follow through with meaningful limits, then kids are going to be, you know, more out of control than we wish them to be. So it's always balancing empathy and accountability. Yes, and reflecting and validating their feeling and redirecting their behavior choices by coaching them, then holding them accountable by reinforcing wise choices positively and reinforcing unwise choices negatively. That is, yes, your behavior choice, I'm coaching you up. I understand this is an emotional struggle for you, and your behavior choices will either earn you more privileges or will earn you more restrictions. Then we fill in the blanks for any specific kid at any specific developmental level. But that follow-through on combining empathy and accountability with consequences really important at every stage.

Guardrails, Autonomy, And Coaching

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 15:33

I think that goes a lot to building that safety that you talked about when we first started as well. You know, our kids need those boundaries and those guidelines and expectations to really know how to behave and what's expected of them. And when they have that and the nurturing that goes along with it, they feel more safe and more secure in their surroundings.

Speaker 1 15:56

Yeah. Yeah, this dichotomy battle of too permissive or too restrictive, right? We're looking for the Goldilocks sweet spot of being loving, nurturing, caring, and connecting, validating, and firm, clear about adult expectations and follow through with meaningful consequences because by definition, kids aren't mature enough to figure that out on their own. So our job is to be there, I think, in both ways.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 16:21

Yeah, absolutely. Well, this whole podcast is all about building resilience. So how does meeting kids where they are developmentally help build resilience?

Dr. Peter Montminy 16:32

Yeah, resilience grows when kids feel understood and supported while still being challenged and held to account, as we just talked about, right? So when we adapt to what are their developmental strengths and needs at any period of time, rather than just react with our own emotions or our preconceived notions of it should be this way, if we can really attune to what are their developmental strengths and developmental needs right now, then children can learn that growth is safe and mistakes are part of learning.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 17:03

That's such an important lesson to learn. And those are the types of things that really create those ripples that last. So, Peter, thank you so much for helping us reframe what it means to support kids as they grow.

Speaker 1 17:17

Absolutely. Thanks, Marisa. These conversations really matter.

Marisa Vicere, Jana Marie Foundation 17:21

Yes. And to our listeners, whether you're a parent, an educator, or a caring adult, thank you for the work you do every day to support young people. When we adjust our approach to match a child's developmental stage, we create environments where kids can thrive. Until next time, I'm Marisa Vicere, and this has been Ripples of Resilience by Jana Marie Foundation.