What If Growing Up Online Changes Consent

A single tap can turn a private moment into a permanent record, and most teens are not thinking about that when they hit send. We sit down with Dr. Peter Montminy from A Mindful Village to talk honestly about teen sexting, why it shows up earlier than many adults expect, and how adolescent brain development makes impulsivity and reward seeking feel stronger than long term thinking.

We get specific about what sexting is, why young people might engage for curiosity, intimacy, belonging, or humor, and how coercion can quietly enter the picture. We also unpack the biggest online safety myth: digital content is never truly private. Once something is shared, it can be saved, screenshot, forwarded, altered, and spread without consent, creating real mental health consequences like shame, anxiety, damaged friendships, and withdrawal.

Then we move into what helps: short proactive check ins, practical refusal scripts, boundary role plays, and a calm approach rooted in values like consent, respect, mutuality, and care. We explain sextortion as sexual blackmail and why kids need to hear one clear message from us: come to a trusted adult right away and you will not be in trouble. We also share trusted resources for parents and educators, including Cybertipline, NetSmartz, and Common Sense Media.

If you want a clear, compassionate roadmap for digital citizenship and healthy relationships, listen now, subscribe, share with a caregiver or educator, and leave a review so more families can find this conversation.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support. 

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village. 

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter. 

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Sexting Matters

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 0:17

Hello and welcome to Ripples of Resilience, a podcast from Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore ideas, tools, and conversations that support mental health, resilience, and well-being for young people and the adults who care about them. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere, and today we're talking about a topic that can feel uncomfortable, but is incredibly important: sexting. With increased access to smartphones and social media, young people are navigating relationships and communication in ways that previous generations never had to. This raises important questions for parents, caregivers, and educators about safety, development, and healthy relationships. To help guide this conversation, I'm joined by our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy from A Mindful Village. Dr. Montminy, thank you for being here.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:10

Yeah, thanks, Marissa. Glad we're here to talk about this really tricky but important topic that our kids are dealing with regularly. So I'm glad we're here today.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 1:20

Thank you. So let's start broadly. Why is this such an important topic to talk about during adolescence?

Why Teens Sext And What It Is

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:27

Well, as we know, in these teen years, the brain is going through rapid, and the child, the teen, is going through rapid physical, emotional, and social developmental changes, right? As we've talked about before, they're trying to figure out who they are outside of the family unit, where they fit in, identity development, who am I, where do I belong. And they're out there curious about relationships, identity, connections, and fitting in. And while they're doing that, though, remember that the emotional brain is way out in the head in terms of being more developed. And these kids have very high, you know, the hormones are turbocharging, their desire for emotional stimulation, excitement, reward, get those dopamine pleasures. While the final part of the brain developing, the upstairs frontal cortex, the thinking brain, is lagging behind. So we have emotional, impulsive, you know, curious hormonal stuff raging out in front with the cognitive controls lagging a little bit. So it's a particularly difficult time because kids aren't thinking about the long-term consequences or implications of a little impulsive moment online or off. And the problem is if it's an impulsive moment offline, it disappears. If it's an impulsive moment online, it doesn't disappear. It stays out there forever. And these kids don't have that connection. So really important that we are present and proactive in adult guidance of helping kids to think bigger picture in ways they're not naturally going to do.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 3:01

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So, what should adults understand about why teens might engage in sexting?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 3:09

Yeah, and we want to think about both teens and tweens. Unfortunately, right? We're seeing this in the upper, you know, elementary school, fourth, fifth, certainly into middle school, sixth, seventh grade, and beyond. So we really want to think again about being proactive with this. Let's talk about what sexting is first, right? Let's clarify that. Sexting is simply sending or receiving sexual messages, often videos or just still shots, pictures of semi-nude or nude pictures, selfies. Kids are sharing the pictures or sexual messages. So when we're talking about sexting, it's important to understand that teens aren't typically starting out doing this with harmful intent or malicious intent, though it can go down that road, as we'll talk about in a minute. They're doing it because they're curious, they want to explore their sexuality, they might want to increase uh some intimacy with a partner that they're exploring sexual relationships with. They might want to impress someone, try to show off or impress someone that they have a crush on, and maybe it'll help them, you know, be liked more by that person. Sometimes just to be funny as a joke or to be fooling around. So there's a right, wide range of uh why kids might be doing this. But ultimately is to try to connect with somebody else. And sometimes it's more voluntary initiated, and sometimes it's more coerced. We're gonna talk a lot about that. Very important distinction. So sometimes they're feeling some pressure, some coercion to impress somebody or to avoid conflict. So there's all these different reasons why kids might wind up doing something that part of the brain knows isn't okay, right? But they're gonna go experiment and explore anyway for these different reasons.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 4:51

I think that's so important to think about the fact that there's this relational or emotional component to it and that it's not just behaviors. And that can really help us as adults in their life to connect with them more and try to find understanding in why it's happening rather than just jumping right to a punishment or consequence for those types of behaviors.

Privacy Myths And Real Consequences

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 5:14

Yeah, exactly. Right? If we say, hey, that's bad, don't do that, you're in trouble because I caught you doing that, clearly that's a door closer. That's not helping to teach your kid how to handle these pressures or challenges or curiosities that that they have. So we don't want to miss that opportunity to help work with, as always, what are the underlying feelings or needs driving that behavior? Is it for intimacy? Is it for closeness? Is it for joking? Is it for belonging? Is it for showing off? Is it to coerce somebody else? What's the feeling and need there? We want to be open to helping kids process that and look at those emotional drivers to better prevent and support them in making better choices.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 5:57

Absolutely. And we talked a little bit about the brain development, and we know part of that is engaging in some riskier behaviors and that there is some impulsivity that happens during the adolescent years. So, what are some of the risks that young people may not fully consider in the moment when it comes to sexting?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 6:16

Yeah, well, one of the biggest misconceptions is that digital content is private or temporary, right? We go over this with kids all the time. They think it's just a little exchange with this one other person or a couple of friends or a boyfriend or a girlfriend, whatever it may be, and they think it's private, and it absolutely is not. In reality, once something is shared digitally, it can be saved, forwarded, screenshot, altered, shared widely without any consent whatsoever. And it happens very quickly, often beyond the original intent. So helping kids see that is one of the biggest challenges. That often can lead to significant emotional distress, including shame, anxiety, damage to peer relationships, embarrassment, guilt, and can start you down a pathway of self-deprecation, self-loathing, and into some depressive stuff that can be challenging. There can also be disciplinary or legal consequences, depending on the situation and local laws. However, I want to make a note people sometimes, kids don't report to their parents, parents don't report to others because they're afraid, uh-oh, my kids are going to get in trouble with the law. They're sharing, you know, sexual content with a minor. Is this child abuse or or pornography that's going to get us in trouble? We certainly want to attend to that question. But 99% of the time, please go to the authorities. They are skilled in this, they see it all the time. They the police aren't there worrying about arresting your kid. They're worried about protecting your kid, getting that stuff online, and finding out if whoever's on the other end, if they're an adult or not, that's what they care about, you know. And if it's two kids making mistakes, they're going to help give you the practical advice as to how to try to sweep or clean that up and fix it. So I've worked with a lot of uh counselors, school officials, and police officers, and everybody really wants to help kids and parents with this, not get into, you know, again, shaming or legally prosecuting, unless we find out down the road again that some older kid or adult is really doing this in a really bad way, then we want to get to that. But your kid coming across this or making a mistake, get the help to clean it up.

Coaching Boundaries And Refusing Pressure

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 8:30

Absolutely. And I think that's so important. I know when we've had conversations with law enforcements around these types of events. Um, they have always been so helpful and really have the best interest of everybody involved in making sure that they're safe and that they're they're learning from it and are able to find ways to move forward with these difficult situations. Yeah. And I think another important piece to recognize is that when it comes to having images that are shared without your consent, that it really breaks trust in relationships, whether it's with our peers or with others in the community. And it can really impact a young person's sense of safety and their relationships. So all of this is really important to keep in mind as adults. What can we do to help young people navigate situations where they feel pressured?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 9:26

Yeah, absolutely. We want to give teens the language and the strategies ahead of time. We want to have ongoing, proactive talks, little chats, 10 minutes a week, even as an accountability check-in, is a good strategy to do, where we're planning for what if this happens, what if that happens, what would you do here, why would you do that, how would you do that? So we want to do the what, why, and how coaching proactively with kids, including helping them to say, hey, if something comes up, somebody's sharing with you a sexual picture or sexual words, or they're asking you to share something sexual, what's that going to feel like? And how can you say no confidently? If it doesn't feel good to you, how can you stand up and take care of yourself? And we literally practice a role play, ways of drawing lines of assertiveness, saying no, not for me, not into that, no, thank you. And helping kids write over and over again. Remember, if somebody is really a friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, or friend otherwise, they are not going to pressure you to keep doing something you don't want to do. If they're pressuring you or pestering you to keep doing something, really helping your kids see that's not a definition of a friend, right? That's where there's mutual respect and support. So how to deal with those relationships. Real caring relationships don't require proof or pressure of your love or your commitment or your whatever to them. Couple other things, emphasizing again, once you press send, it is out of your control and it is out into the world, whether you think it is or isn't. I just drive that one home a lot to kids because they really struggle with it, right? And what so then coaching them. What do you do if you receive something? What do you do if you send something out and now it's getting away from you, or now you're having second thoughts, even if it's not, the other person's not sharing it virally. Let's pause, breathe, and do some constructive problem solving. As usual, empathy plus then problem solving, not shame, punishment, or guilt. That's what we got to bring.

How To Talk Without Judgment

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 11:36

Yeah. And we've had those previous conversations around setting boundaries, even if it feels difficult socially. And I think, you know, this really ties back into those previous conversations that we've been having too.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 11:50

Exactly.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 11:51

And talking about sexing can be uncomfortable for adults. So, what's the best way to approach these conversations? And how do we help settle our own nerves when it comes to approaching these topics?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 12:02

Yeah. So the the first is right to pause, breathe, and reset our nervous system as we often practice here, and then coming at it with care and curiosity, not judgment and criticism, right? So these are common themes for whatever topic we're talking about. And it absolutely applies to the more sensitive topics around sexting or pornography, as we'll get into here soon, and teens exposure to this stuff online. Pause, breathe. Okay, it's here now. Let's figure out how to help you get through it without judgment as best we can. Now, without judgment doesn't mean we're not gonna bring in then later our family values and let's re-anchor ourselves in how we believe mutually respectful, caring, consenting relationships is your job is to figure that out across the course of adolescence, right? Is to go out there and figure that out. And you're gonna make mistakes, and there's gonna be embarrassing moments, online or off. This is true since the dawn of you know modern humankind, right? So it's it's again taking a look at it's okay, we can be curious about what are we learning from this? How can we learn and grow from our mistakes and from our successes? What feels good? What about sharing this type of relationship with someone online or offline felt good? What did not feel good about it, right? So focusing on those core values, respect, consent, mutuality, caring relationships, right? And embedding it in these bigger conversations. And then normalizing that, hey, everyone's gonna make mistakes. The key is what do we do with it, right? And let's reinforce that mistakes can be talked about and worked through to a constructive end, to move us on. And then finally, be coaching kids on the practical problem-solving how-tos. If this has shown up on your phone, what do we need to do to block that person or to to screenshot that to share with the authorities or to delete it? And what controls can I add to the situation to make it less likely you'll wind up in this, you know, down this dark alley again? So there's practical digital to-dos as well.

Sextortion And What To Do

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 14:18

Thank you. And so let's talk a little bit more in that dark alley as you just described. Yeah. Another term that's coming up more often is sex tortion. Can you explain what that is and why it's important for families to understand?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 14:35

Yeah. Core thing we all want to look at is what degree of willingness or unwillingness was a person wound up engaged in either sharing or receiving sex messages. How much consent versus how much coercion? And on the biggest growing area of concern on the coercive people pressuring, come on, come on, just show me, just share this. Why don't we do this? You know, I'll show you mine if you show me yours in blunt talk. There's going to be that curiosity, there's going to be this people experimenting with ways of being intimate through team years. What happens when there was some sharing and then there's a breakup? What happens when there was some sharing and then the other actor wasn't acting in good faith, whether there's a breakup or not? And now they just get kicks that they have some picture of you in a compromised position and they want to share it with their buddies or put it out there. Or sextortion, more specifically, is blackmailing you if you don't keep doing what I want. Often that includes showing and sharing more sexually explicit material. If you don't keep doing what I want, I'm going to put this out there in the public. I'm going to uncover you. I'm going to make it bad for you. So it's straight up, you know, extorting or blackmailing people with their sexual pictures. And it is becoming an absolutely increasingly problem, including, like I said, with either people who were pretending to be a friend and weren't, and then had malicious intent to start, and then they get your pictures and they do bad things with it. Or equally as often, if not more often, you think you're sharing it privately with a friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, and then things go badly, or that you have an argument or you break up, and then it's, you know, vindictive revenge kind of stuff that they put out there. And so if you get caught in them threatening you, that if you don't do more and show them more, they're gonna, you know, out you more, you need to get to a trusted adult right away. You need to coach your kids on come to me right away, you will not be in trouble. We need to stop it before it gets too far down the lane.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 16:39

Yeah, and this can be really frightening for a young person, especially when we think about typical development, that sense of belonging or wanting to fit in or wanting to be liked is so important. And so it can be easy for them to start out with good intentions of sharing and then get roped into having to continue to do things that they're not feeling comfortable with for fear of what might come of it. So, what can we do to help prevent situations like sex tortion?

Prevention Tips Resources And Wrap

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 17:12

Yeah, it is very frightening. It's really important to emphasize that this is exploitation. It is not your fault. This is somebody else being coercive and pressuring, and it's not okay. You can and validate the feeling scared, embarrassed, trapped. And when you feel those things, don't let yourself box in and feel like you can't reach out to help. That's why it's so critical that we keep communicating. If something like this happens, you can come to me, you won't be in trouble, we'll help you out.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 17:42

Yeah. And that prevention really starts with education and open communication. So, what are some other tips that might be there?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 17:50

Yeah, absolutely. So we want to, you know, common digital citizenship, digital safety education. Be cautious about who you're interacting with online. Is it a real person you know in real life that we can verify, or is it just an online friend, and then how do you know they are who they say they are? Teaching more digital literacy skills like that broadly. Understanding that everyone isn't who they say they are online, that kind of goes with that. Of really coaching them on being thoughtful about not sharing personal or sensitive images, remembering once you press send, it is out of your control. It is it public whether you think it's private or not. It is public or can be made public with a stroke of somebody else's button on their device, and you have no control over it. So, really working on that. Recognizing red flags, teaching kids to recognize when they're feeling pressured to do something or pressured to keep secrets in ways. So, again, many of the standard things that we try to help with and with other problems growing up absolutely apply to this one as well. And and most important, if something feels uncomfortable or off, if your gut is telling me, ugh, I don't know if that feels good, come to a trusted adult and let's work it out.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 19:04

Thank you. So at the heart of this is helping young people build those healthy relationships.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 19:10

Exactly. When young people, you know, when our youth feel understood, when they understand that self-respect, empathy, communication, and consent are at the heart of any type of relationship building, intimacy building, emotional, physical, sexual, or others, those are the values we want to really keep teaching. And then how do you practice that both online and off? It's about supporting healthy development and resilience, not just preventing risk.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 19:41

Wonderful. Thank you so much. As we move into wrapping up, is there anything else you would like to add to this conversation?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 19:49

Yeah, I just want parents, educators out there to know there's really great resources out there to help you with practical what to do is if I find this on my kid's phone or if my kid comes and talks to me about it. Cybertipline.org is a great resource. I want you to go to Cybertipline NetSmarts program as well. Great education materials for youth and adults. And of course, Common Sense Media is a hallmark, benchmark website for all things online to try to help you navigate this stuff with your kids. So use these resources, get some practical support so you can provide that practical support for your kiddo.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 20:28

Wonderful. Thank you so much. So sexting can be a difficult topic to talk about, but avoiding the conversation doesn't make the challenges go away. By approaching it with openness and guidance, we can help young people navigate these situations with greater confidence and care. Thank you, Dr. Montminy, for sharing your insights. And thank you to everyone listening to Ripples of Resilience. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter, and by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If you found this episode helpful, consider sharing it with a friend, caregiver, or educator. Small conversations can create powerful ripples of resilience in our communities. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.