Cyberbullying Doesn’t End After School

A mean message is bad enough. A mean message that can be screenshotted, shared, and repeated all night long is something else entirely. Cyberbullying doesn’t stop at the school doors, and for many kids it shows up in the one place that should feel safest: alone in their bedroom with a phone. 

We sit down with our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy of A Mindful Village, to break down what cyberbullying really looks like today across social media, texting, and gaming platforms. We talk about why it can feel so inescapable (always-on access, anonymity, permanence), and the real warning signs parents and caregivers can watch for both online and offline, from sudden secrecy with devices to anxiety, sleep changes, mood swings, and pulling away from friends or school. 

Then we get practical: how to pause and respond without overreacting, how to validate your child’s experience, what evidence to save, when to block and report, and how schools and even law enforcement can be supportive partners when things cross a serious line. We also dig into prevention tools like clear digital boundaries, transparent monitoring, and coaching that builds empathy and better decision-making, including the “grandma rule” for what you send and share. And if you discover your child is the one doing the bullying, we walk through a path that holds them accountable while focusing on learning, repair, and making amends. 

You’ll also hear simple “upstander” strategies kids can use to break the cycle: direct, delegate, and distract, plus trusted resources like NetSmartz, Common Sense Media, and Stopbullying.gov. If this conversation helps, please subscribe, share it with a parent or educator, and leave a review so more families can find it.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support. 

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village. 

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter. 

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Transcript

Welcome And Cyberbullying Defined

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 0:17

Hello, and welcome back to Ripples of Resilience, a podcast from Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore ideas, tools, and conversations that support mental health, resilience, and well-being for young people and the adults who care about them. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere. Today we're talking about something so many young people are navigating: cyberbullying. Joining me, as always, is our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy from a Mindful Village. Dr. Montminy, thank you so much for being here.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 0:51

Glad to be back. Hi.

Why Cyberbullying Hits Harder

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 0:53

Thank you. So cyberbullying is the use of technology like social media, texting, gaming platforms, or apps to harass, threaten, embarrass, or target another person. It can include things like spreading rumors, sharing screenshots, posting harmful or hurtful comments, or excluding someone online. And unlike traditional bullying, it doesn't stop when a child leaves school. What makes cyberbullying especially impactful for kids and teens?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:25

Yeah, one of the biggest things is that it's 24-7, right? There's always been bullying and teasing and bullying for kids forever. But what happens is you used to be able to go home into your bedroom at night, get a break from it, have some rest, some solace. But now, unfortunately, at home alone in your bedroom at night, usually with your phone or your device, is kind of the worst time. You're actually exposed to it more and more. So the fact that it's just constantly out there all the time. And it's striking a wider audience as well. And we're talking about, you know, these rumors going viral to bigger and bigger audiences, and they can get really, really nasty, right? Let's be clear. We're talking about people saying really mean things, blaming and accusing kids for being responsible for things, often falsely just blaming and scapegoating, and then that takes on a life of its own, threatening to harm or kill you or your pet or a family member. This we're not making this up. This is happening with kids of all ages, school ages right now, or even right worse, telling you you should go kill yourself and encouraging people, and here's here's a you know way you can do it. So we're talking about, you know, or or sharing photos, and and and now with the capabilities of you know putting someone's face on a nude photo, sending false fake stuff out. This is really happening in real time. And it it happens 24-7 and it happens to a wider audience. And the big thing is, right, once it's out there, it's permanent and it's pervasive. And you know, these can be shared and it's beyond your control. And the last thing I'll say is it also can often be anonymous. People can hide behind false identities or fake names, and so then you don't know how far has this gone. You don't even know who started it or who's saying it. There's such a wide range of difficulty here that goes beyond the old-fashioned, we used to get teased or bullying at school, and kids need just to get tougher skin. No, this is a whole different ballgame.

Signs Your Child Might Be Targeted

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 3:29

Yeah, there is so much that goes into it and can really impact a young person. And even just that sense of always having to be on can really take a toll. So, what are some of those signs that a child or teen might be experiencing cyberbullying?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 3:44

Sure. So you may notice in terms of their digital use online, let's let's start with that first. You may notice them being more withdrawn from their devices and not and staying away from it more. Uh, you know, again, we're looking for changes in their typical behavior. So they're maybe withdrawn from their devices more, they're closing it down, maybe they're changing their social media accounts or their usernames. So look for changes that you may see in their usage and how they're using it. Or they may not be withdrawing from it, they may be the opposite, they may be glued to it more and more, kind of hyper-tense, panicked about it, and uh and you see them being more secretive, hiding it maybe from from you or others more, and you might see or overhear more intense emotional reactions, laughing, gasping, crying, sighing, angry reactions. So any of the telltale signs like that's a change, they're staying away from it more, they're in more intensely using it, they're more emotionally using it. That's the online part. The offline part are the signs we would look for, you know, uh in general, with any mental health challenges, if they're really feeling hurting from being bullied online, you may see changes in mood like increased anxiety, more depressive, sad feelings, or just greater irritability, grumpy in general. You always want to inquire about that. Maybe they're avoiding social situations more, maybe you're seeing changes in their school behavior or grades, and of course, and anytime you see a big change in sleep or appetite or losing interest in activities, that's always a flag to check things out more.

Why Kids Stay Silent

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 5:24

Thank you. These are such important signs to look for. However, we know that some kids may be more hesitant to share about what is happening. Why might some kids try to hide this or try to cover up what's going on?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 5:38

Yeah, it's what I call simply the shame and blame condition, right? It's shame and blame. They may feel embarrassed, they may feel guilty, they may feel afraid of losing access to their devices if it's uncovered or unsure how the adults are going to react. It's important to continue, remember, always building those connections, loving open connections, open conversations, so they know if something's hitting the fan for you, online or off, it's okay, more than okay, to come talk about this. You won't be in trouble. We will problem solve together what to do about it.

First Steps For Parents

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 6:13

You know, as a parent and even as caring adults for all of us, it's so hard when we think that cyberbullying might be happening. And we want to jump into action. We want to be able to help. But what are those first steps that a parent should do when they suspect or learn that their child is being cyberbullied?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 6:31

Yeah. You won't be surprised to hear that my first response is to pause, breathe, bring our feeling temperature down, our worry, our anger, our frustration down a notch so we can step into being present and listening calmly and clearly to our kids' take on it and what they're struggling with. So, as usual, we want to create a space where the child feels safe sharing without the fear of further humiliation or freer of punishment. Yeah. So then we want to validate their feelings, whatever they're struggling with right now. We also then practically want to do things like save the evidence, screenshot messages, then block the person, you know, from the platform, block the person from access to your child, help them do that. Depending on the situation, you may well want to report it, report it to the platform itself, as well as report it to law enforcement. Again, don't worry about getting in trouble. Law enforcement's really helping teens and families negotiate this nowadays. They often have information and practical digital techniques and tricks to help you start wiping things clean and blocking and putting up some safety barriers for you, and reaching out and pursuing people who are really doing inappropriate bullying or even possibly criminal activity. So don't hesitate to get that support when you need it.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 7:56

Thank you. So listening without overreacting, that's so important and not always easy to do. I love that you brought back up the power of pause to help with this as well. You know, we've talked about it from day one. It's such a great tool to have in our back pocket. So often a question we get is what role do schools play when it comes to addressing cyberbullying?

How Schools Can Help

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 8:19

Yeah. Schools, of course, can't be responsible for this, but we, you know, they can be responsible for how they support students when they uncover it and deal with it. They're in a sticky situation. You know, did the cyberbullying happen after school hours or outside of school, or was it an in-school behavior? But what happens is whether, again, it's 24-7, whether it happened at night or on the weekends or elsewhere, it's you can bet it's coming into the school, it's in the hallways, it's in the lunchrooms, where the ripple effects of the kids talking about it, aggravating it, laughing and snickering about it, shaming and excluding and ostracizing about it. It's coming in and out of the schools at all times. So we want schools to be able to be key partners and being able, they have lots of policies where they try to put up guardrails for its use in the school, but they always have counseling administrators who are there to try to help kids negotiate it as well and what to do about it. They can do peer mediation, they can do restorative work, or they can just do emotional and coping skills support for the child who's been cyberbullied and is struggling with it. So we absolutely want to enlist a partnership as always with home and school as much as we can.

Prevention With Boundaries And Coaching

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 9:33

That's great. Thank you so much. You know, it takes a village, or some might even say a mindful village between parents, community members, and schools. And really, we're all there to work together to support the young people in our lives. So let's talk a little bit about prevention. How can we help kids navigate the digital world in a healthy way?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 9:53

Yeah, so two main things. One, we do want to set up clear boundaries and limits of what's expected use and to around screen time, platform use, what they're on, what's our okay, approved or not approved behaviors, and we've talked before about even a digital contract, writing it down with your child. So being very clear about appropriate and inappropriate usage from the get-go and reminding the kids. And along with those set rules and expectations around screen time usage, you're also setting limits, digital curfews, and the idea that they don't have complete privacy. You have access until they're 18 or beyond, you are still legally, medically, morally, and financially responsible for them. You have a right and a responsibility as a parent to spot check, to limit, to monitor what's going on online. Start very clearly with those rules from the get-go. And if you haven't started from the get-go, sit down and talk to your kids why that's important. It's for their safety, and you care enough to be a pain in the butt to monitor and set limits, including then using digital monitoring and digital controls. Not behind the kids' back. You're up front about this is how the rules of engagement for minor underage usage of electronics in our family because it's smart and safe, and I care enough. So you're not, you know, secretly monitoring your kid. You're being very clear up front that you're doing that. But you're not just doing monitoring and controlling uh devices, you're also coaching and teaching your child on how to make better choices. So it's the one-two combo deal that's important. You want to be teaching the kid what they might do in this situation and why might they do that, and how are they going to do that and respond to it, you know, when it's hard. Why would they come and talk to you? Again, they won't be punished, they'll be you'll be supported for problem solving. Why would you not tease or harass online and you teach them the fundamentals again? That when you post, you know, it's going out there into the world and you can't get it back, you know. An off-colored joke at the lunch table is different than an off-colored joke online because it can metastasize, go viral, and you can't get it back, and people can spin it in different ways. So you want to be more cautious, more careful. And because of the anonymity, you're sitting along with your device, the exact opposite tends to happen. People are more likely to put nasty stuff out there when they're got the screen to hide behind rather than when it's face to face. But you want to teach the kids you want to be more careful and cautious because it's out there permanently. We want to promote empathy. There's other people on the other side of that screen, they're real people. And I'll end with what I call teaching your kid to think about the grandma rule. Imagine grandma's over your shoulder watching you post that right now. Are you feeling comfortable with that? Are you feeling like that feels cool if grandma was seeing you send this out or receiving from another friend, and then you're laughing about it and sending it on to others? You know, if not, you might want to check that and not do it. So let's teach our kids to pause, breathe, and wisely choose before they push send over and over again.

When Your Child Is Bullying

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 13:20

Thank you so much. It's, you know, I think your discussion around building those skills and not just setting rules is so important. You know, when we're have younger kids, we can really be that manager for them. We're doing more and more work for them, kind of the behind-the-scenes things. But as they start to get to upper elementary, middle school, high school, we want to turn more into that coach. We want to be helping them figure out how do you navigate these situations and doing so before those situations come up. So they have some phrases or some thoughts around what they can do to navigate and feel comfortable in the decisions that they're making.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 13:58

Yeah, 100%.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 13:59

And so this question is a little bit tougher. What if the parent finds out that their child is the one that is engaging in the cyberbullying?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 14:10

Yeah, sure. And often it does go both ways, right? So it can be difficult. We want to look at it as an opportunity, an opportunity to learn and grow, right? Not just squash the behavior, take the phone away, you know, punish and and and you know, humiliate more. Yeah, hold them accountable with consequences, that's fine. But we want to really say, look, here's what really matters. How are we going to learn and grow from this? What's the takeaways? And so you sit down with the kid again and say, listen, we're going to have a conversation about this. The point of it is to learn and grow, not to scold or shame you more, but to say, what's our takeaway and how what can we do with this? So you might lead with questions like, hey, so what was happening at the time? What led up to this behavior for you? And specifically, I always like to ask the kids, what were you thinking and feeling at the time? What were the thoughts and feelings that were going on inside when you sent this out? And what we're going to do, what we're going to lead to that is, what could you do differently with those thoughts and feelings next time? So, really, every behavior, right, is driven by underlying feelings or needs. You want to say, hey, dude, what were you thinking? What were you feeling at the time? What can you do differently with those thoughts and feelings next time? You also want to let them reflect a little bit. When you did that behavior, whatever you were thinking and feeling, when you put that behavior out there, when you put that out into the cyber universe, how what's your understanding now and what harm that did? How did that harm others? And how did it harm yourself? How did it harm yourself? How did it impact how other people are seeing you? How did it impact how you're seeing yourself? How did it help you feel better about yourself or not so much? And ultimately, what can you, what can we do now to make it right? What can you do to make amends? And what can you do moving forward again to make smarter, safer choices? So opportunity to learn and grow.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 16:11

Thank you. And that's so important looking at how we can really support the both sides of the individuals who are either engaging in the cyberbullying or who are being targeted by it.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 16:26

Often one leads to the other, and it's not here's the winners and losers, here's the good kids and the bad kids. It is back and forth. And next thing you know, you've gone down that slippery slope, and you're not just receiving it, you're putting it back out there and contributing to the problem.

unknown 16:40

Yeah.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 16:40

Yeah. Which really brings us to our next question, which is how do we teach our kids to be upstandards and break that cycle? You know, it's easy for friend groups to kind of get pulled into it. And it's it's hard to stand up and say no to that or to intervene in a way that's going to stop that cyberbullying from happening.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 17:00

No, excellent. Excuse me. So it's not always easy for kids or anyone to engage and talk with them about it when they're seeing the bullying or putting the bullying out there. So we can think of three things to try to help them with this direct, delegate, and distract. All right, direct, addressing the situation head-on, where you're going to direct the kid to directly address it with the peers. And this could look like commenting on it, like, like, yo, that's not okay, or not not funny, or not cool. And just put that out there. Yes, you're being vulnerable. You're taking a step. If people are sharing nasty stuff in a group chat and they're laughing about it and feeding off of it, it just takes one person. I bet there's other kids who are in that group chat who are thinking, ooh, part of me doesn't feel good about this, whether grandma's looking at it or not. There's part of me, my gut saying, no, this isn't. It takes one person to stand up and say, you know what? Not cool, not funny, not digging, being a part of this. And next thing you know, it can have a powerful ripple effect, right? That we talk a lot about here. So teaching kids to stand up and be strong and have the courage and their convictions, right? And their beliefs of what is a way of being a decent person and a decent friend. You might also teach them to privately message that person who's being targeted to offer support. So offer public support, also offer private support if you're feeling uncomfortable with the public piece. Every little bit counts. Andor public confronting or directly challenging the cyberbowling, or privately going over to that friend and going, dude, not again, all right? Next time, not cool, let's not do it. So those are the direct things. Or if you're feeling uncomfortable or unable to do that, you can coach your kid to delegate, getting help from a trusted adult, like a parent, a teacher, a school counselor, or a coach. And it may also mean reporting the behavior on the platform itself. And in the worst cases, of course, to uh to authorities, law enforcement. You can use safe to say avenues for that and some other things if you're concerned about being outed and in trouble. And then distract. This one is about shifting the situation, de-escalate it. Online, that might simply mean changing the subject in the group chat and re redirecting the chat. So distracting people away from it, posting something more positive, helping the person being targeted move away from the situation. So we have direct ways to confront it. We have delegate our responsibility and get more help. Not delegate our responsibility, but delegate getting more help and then distract either the group or the person feeling armed.

Mental Health Risks And Resilience

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 19:37

Yeah. Thank you so much. And all three of those are great. Not one of those strategies is better than the other. They're all really working to make sure that that cyberbullying is stopped and that the both parties are supported throughout the process. And so, you know, just relating it back to mental health. How does cyberbullying connect to mental health and well-being and resiliency or lack of it?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 20:04

Absolutely. There's a lot of research out there, sadly, a growing body of research that shows that it directly and significantly increases mental health problems, especially as you might imagine, anxiety, depression, loneliness, low self-esteem. Basically, again, it's growing the shame and blame kind of cycle. And kids often can get to the point of feeling more helpless if they can't stop it and it keeps coming, right? Feel more worthless. They start internalizing some of the negative stuff being put out there at them, which can lead to self-loathing, self-harm, and yes, higher suicidal risk for sure. So we want to build in the opposite, of course, how to handle this, coach kids how to handle it, coach kids that they don't have to handle it alone, their support there to build the resilience back in instead. Early intervention and frequent checking in and regular interventions about this, while there's small problems, is vital to not have them spin out to large problems.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 21:06

Thank you so much. If there's one message you want listeners to walk away with, what would it be?

Key Message Resources And Closing

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 21:13

Yeah, stay connected with compassionate care. Kids, be cool, knowing. Again, doors open, check in with them, let them know they can always check in with you. Remember that the strongest protective factor for young people who are struggling with their mental health, including cyberbullying issues that may be impairing their mental health, is having a trusted adult that they can talk to. And anchor a safe harbor in the storm is so important. Even when kids say, I don't want to talk to an adult, yeah, they need to say that. And part of them feels that, but a bigger part of them is please, will an adult help me figure this out and care enough to look at it, care enough to get real with me about it. When kids feel seen and supported, they're much more likely to reach out when something's Strong, use their internal and external coping resources and build that resilience.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 22:05

That connection truly makes all the difference.

unknown 22:09

Dr.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 22:10

Montminy, thank you so much for being here today and once again sharing all your insights with us.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 22:15

Absolutely.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 22:17

So cyberbullying is more than just mean messages online. It's repeated intentional harm carried out through digital platforms. It can happen anytime, spread quickly, and feel impossible to escape. And because it lives online, it can have a lasting impact on a young person's sense of safety, identity, and self-worth. No young person should have to navigate cyberbullying alone. There are people, tools, and resources ready to help. Some additional resources include NetSmartz, Common Sense Media, and Stopbullying.gov. And thank you to everyone listening to Ripples of Resilience. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter. And by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If you found this episode helpful, consider sharing it with a friend, caregiver, or educator. Small conversations can create powerful ripples of resilience in our communities. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.