Change Feels Messy Because It Matters

Change can feel like getting knocked off your footing, even when it’s a “good” change. We sit down with Dr. Peter Montminy of A Mindful Village to talk through the real emotional whiplash of big life transitions: moving, starting a new school, welcoming a new baby, adoption, remarriage and stepfamilies, divorce, and losses like the death of a loved one or pet. If you’ve ever watched a child swing from excited to furious to shut down, you’re not alone and you’re not doing it wrong.

We break down why transitions are so intense: the anxiety of an unfamiliar future plus the grief of leaving what was familiar. We talk about how to support kids and teens by naming mixed emotions, predicting the “roller coaster,” and treating grief as what it often is: love that has nowhere to go. You’ll hear concrete ideas for honoring the past without getting stuck there, including memory cues and transitional objects that help kids carry what matters into a new chapter.

We also get specific about something caregivers struggle with: how to validate feelings while still holding boundaries. When routines and expectations disappear, kids can feel even more out of control, so consistent guardrails become an anchor. From there, we move into coping strategies that strengthen mental health and resilience through both self-care and connection: eat, sleep, move, plus mindfulness, prayer, art, music, nature, trusted adults, and professional support when needed. We end with the hopeful idea of post-traumatic growth and how meaning, purpose, and relationships can help us move forward.

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If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support. 

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village. 

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter. 

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Transcript

Welcome And The Transition Theme

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 0:19

Hello, and welcome back to Ripples of Resilience, a podcast from the Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore ideas, tools, and conversations that support mental health, resiliency, and well-being for young people and the adults who care about them. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere. Today we're talking about something that often comes with many mixed emotions, navigating life's big transitions. Whether it's moving to a new home, starting a new school, welcoming a new baby, navigating a remarriage or stepfamily, or even adoption, these moments can carry both excitement and anxiousness. To help me unpack all of this is our resident expert, Dr. Peter Montminy from A Mindful Village. Dr. Montminy, thank you for being here.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:09

Yeah, glad to be here. Thanks.

Why Change Triggers Anxiety And Loss

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 1:12

So transitions are a natural part of life, but that doesn't mean they're easy. What makes them so hard?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:19

Yeah, one of the big things, right? It's it's two-pronged. It's both looking forward, there's a lot of unfamiliarity and unpredictability when we have these major life transitions. So that always sets us a little bit more cautious and anxious about what's to come when we don't know. And we're reflecting also on the past of what we've just lost and the familiarity, the comfort of routine or of particular relationships. So it's really dealing with the uncertainty moving forward and the sadness and loss looking in the rearview mirror.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 1:54

Thank you so much for filling us in a little bit about that. With all those things going on, it's no wonder why there's so many different mixed emotions. How can we, as parents or educators, or caring adults help our children and teens through a time of transition? And what can we say or do when we're also struggling?

Normalize Mixed Feelings For Kids

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 2:14

Yeah, the important thing is to acknowledge and humanize and normalize that we will have a full range of different feelings, right? As we're going through major life transitions, we'll be excited and happy and also nervous about looking forward to what's coming up next. And we can be very sad and nervous and grieving again, the loss of what's behind us right now. Related to that, we'll have a lot of hopes and fears, and we'll be struggling with both how to let go of the old and how to meet and greet the new. So again, we're trying to be present to the idea of how am I being with these things moving forward that I don't know what I can do? How am I being present with memories and perhaps painful memories looking back? The things we can do is to remind ourselves of one of the fundamental truths that in life the only constant is change. Things are always changing. Sometimes we take for granted the little changes, but let's recognize things are always changing, and sometimes we can't get through a life without big change and big loss of whatever kind it may be. From right, uh moving at a new school or a new home to a divorce or a major family transition to a more uh significant loss of death, uh, family, friends, a pet, perhaps. We have all these different kinds of big things. So, what we want to do is really respect and honor the memory of what we had and of those that we had time with and recognize that that grief is an expression of love, that we don't grieve losses that isn't around something or someone that we really cherished. So we can remind ourselves we can always carry that love, those cherished memories inside of us, and no one can ever take them away from us. That's always a part of us and goes with us wherever we go. And to honor that, we can take it with us. We can do things like visualize it, memorialize it, you know, transitional objects or little memory books or photos, of course. Even without those external signs of taking it with us, we'll always have it in our hearts and in our memories to take with us. So really cherishing that we had the gift of something or someone that we loved enough to be grieving and hurting and appreciating that. While also then recognizing this is an opportunity, right? The idea of the symbol, Chinese symbol for crisis being both threat and opportunity. This is an opportunity for a fresh start, an opportunity to look forward to what new may come from this. How can I take care of myself in a new way? So we want to reflect and honor the past while also honoring and being open to the future.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 5:19

Such a beautiful way to look at it, where we remember that we we were lucky enough to have this memory in our life, to love something that much, to be able to grieve it and still be able to look forward to what is to come.

unknown 5:35

Yeah.

Validate Emotions Keep Clear Boundaries

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 5:36

At Jana Marie Foundation, we do a lot of work thinking about our emotions and reminding ourselves that all of our emotions are valid and not all of our behaviors are okay. How do we hold space for those bigger emotions that bubble up while also reinforcing boundaries and expectations for our kids?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 5:58

Yeah, beautiful. So we want to not only just acknowledge them when they bubble up, we can help kids by predicting for them, sitting down and letting them know hey, there are going to be times when you're going to be really sad about this. There's going to be times when you're going to be really angry or pissed about this. There's also maybe going to be times when you're going to be happy, uh, you know, or even excited, or there's going to be times when you have this whole range of emotions. All of them are okay. All of them, again, are to be expected, humanize and normalize them, recognizing that they come and show up on different timelines for different people and manifest in different ways. We may show them or keep them inside in different ways. And letting our kids know, one, to expect that roller coaster or range of things, to expect that that may look different in you or your brother or sister or me. And it's okay. And not only is it okay, it's okay to share, to talk about, and to ask about with me as a parent or a teacher, a mentor of any kind. It's okay to give voice to this when it's happening, so we can sit with it and we can just figure out maybe what to do with it and how to take care of ourselves in light of that. At the same time, absolutely, as you just mentioned, we want to hold our kids still fully accountable for appropriate behaviors of their expression. So, of course, the danger is, oh, we're going through this big life transition, this big life loss, perhaps, and so we want to overcompensate or take it easy on them or let them get away with things, often unconsciously, not consciously, but we want to be alert to are we letting things slide or get a little out of control or out of bounds for what would be typically expected behaviors, expectations, even routines. And we want to ground kids in, you're gonna have these different thoughts and feelings, they're okay. And it's important that to know that we still expect and will support you in managing your emotions in appropriate ways. So those guardrails up are very important because kids are gonna be afraid of that new unfamiliar future or beginning we were talking about. And if they feel like all of a sudden things they knew were okay and weren't okay, and those boundaries of behavioral expectations start moving and shifting too, it really signals to the kid that more of their life is out of control and uncertain than they even thought. So we may think we're doing them a favor by cutting them some slack, but holding consistent limits and boundaries is in fact anchoring them in some familiarity, some predictability, and it's helping them self-regulate as well.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 8:49

So important to remember that we can help be that grounding source by still following through on what our expectations are for them and holding them accountable. So high support and still those high expectations that we have in a household or in a school setting.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 9:06

Right on.

Grief Stages Hope And Faith

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 9:08

So we know that sometimes transitions come from major losses like divorce or death, whether it's a pet, family, or friend, or other major loss. What can we do to help in these moments?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 9:20

Yeah. So in addition to, as we said, acknowledge and validate and even predict this full range of emotions related to those emotions, you know, that we have different stages of grief and processing going through these major life transitions. You know, the classic five stages of grief, which are not perfectly written in stone, and there's other ways of looking at this grief stuff. But there's some common basis to the idea. Again, at first we're maybe denying or in shock or denying it. Then there may be anger at rebelling against the reality of this major change or loss. And then there can be like bargaining, like, what if I do this or what if I do that? Maybe it'll come back, or maybe it'll be better, or and wishful thinking, or even resolving some guilt and sense of responsibility. So we kind of have some bargaining with ourselves or others or God, and like, what if just this could we make it better or back to the way it was or something? Until we work through that, no, time doesn't, you know, we can't go backwards. And while we can't predict the future, we can't control the past, and there's no bargaining about it. And we get to maybe some phase of depression or bottoming out of being really bummed about that truth, and then ideally working through to acceptance of it, of making peace with sadness for the loss, some unresolved, maybe anger or resentment still for this change in my life, and some degree of peace and acceptance that allows me to free myself up, to move forward and live the rest of my life. Again, recognizing while we may go through these different phases and we may go back and forth through different parts of that, that it happens on a different timeline for different people. So we want to recognize that. And we want to also remind ourselves that if we had this positive experience, this things we liked about our home or our neighborshood or this family or friend before, in addition to, as we said, you always carry that with you, it also lets you know that it's possible. It's possible to have that good in your life, and it's possible, therefore, to have that good in your life again. So it can be a source of hope if we can kind of frame it that way. And what we want to do now is really take care of ourselves and others and see how we can grow through this, and that growing through this and moving forward with uh finding new normals, new things to enjoy, live for, and with people or places, whatever it may be, that that is honoring. It's honoring the loss, it's honoring that person in our lives, it's honoring that previous time in our life, and to keep living through it is really important. The last thing I'll say is um when we have faith in a higher power or a God, accepting that I can't understand exactly why this is happening, it doesn't seem right, it seems horrible, I wish it weren't. When we also have some faith in a greater universe, a greater God or power who is maybe taking care of us or is overseeing this in some way, that is often a very positive, helpful thing for helping people get through this confusing time as well. Though that also brings up other existential questions that we don't have time for today. But um, so we want to take care of ourselves and one another moving forward.

Post-Traumatic Growth Through Meaning

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 12:44

Thank you. So we hear about the idea of post-traumatic stress quite a bit, but what is this idea of post-traumatic growth that can happen?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 12:54

Yeah, so when we have major losses, it can be a traumatic loss, and it can be with a, I say, a capital T or a small tr a small T, right? Everything isn't the same degree. But major life transitions and losses of any kind carry with it some kind of traumatic degree of stress or very upsetting upheaval in us. And so what happens when we kind of head towards more anxiety or PTSD, locked in, stuck in the past or flashbacks of the past, or triggered easily into kind of past experiences or disruptive emotions, anxiety, self-guardedness, fight, flight, or freeze reactions, or depression. We may go through waves of that. If we're stuck in a pattern of that, we are heading towards the traumatic stress disorders, or even without a fully diagnosable disorder, a traumatic stress pattern. There's a lot of research and promising research and clinical practices that show us that you are not predetermined. When you have major disruptions in your life or major traumatic transitions or losses in your life, you are not predestined for PTSD. They are not one and the same. You can have traumatic experiences or anxious uh experiences and feelings, and you can transform those into post-traumatic growth. And what that is, is really a shining example of resilience that we talk about a lot, the ability to bounce back from adversity in life or to move through adversity in life. And the key components of being able to transition out of stuck in a pattern of unhelpful stress or reactivity into one of growth and reconnecting with life and moving forward to a new life is finding meaning and purpose as well as connection always. So we're looking for opportunities to say, how do I make sense out of this change or this loss? Even if there's parts I don't understand, even if there's parts I still resent or even, you know, hate, what are parts of it I can say make some sense to me? What are ways I can make peace with some of it? And you can't force this, you can't just say, oh, do these three-box checklist here right away, and you'll jump over to post-traumatic growth. This has to come in an organic, natural way. But you're pointing towards, how do I make sense out of this, make some meaning out of this that makes sense and maybe gives me some purpose, some ability to grow from this pain and serve myself or others in a greater way. Frankly, the beautiful work you have done with the Janet Marie Foundation is all about that. It's all about that. So we can take that for ourselves and we can also take it and give it to others by looking to find that meaning and purpose in it. And recognize I am okay even when I don't feel okay. I am connected, I am loved, I am lovable, I am loving, and re find the truth of that through any challenging loss in life and reconnect with those people that confirm it for us, helps us move forward too and to growth rather than being stuck in pain.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 16:17

Thank you so much for sharing about that. I think it's such an important part of our journeys is to recognize that we can grow through those difficult moments that we face. So you had mentioned before about the importance of creating routines and some of the consistencies in life. And we know

Self-Care Skills That Actually Help

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 16:39

when we talk about resiliency and navigating through different aspects of challenges, that we have our internal support and we have our external. So those people that we can go to, our professionals, our trusted adults that can help navigate. Let's talk a little more about those internal strategies that we can use. So, what are some coping strategies that we can work with our kids for to help through transitions? And how do new routines really play a part in this?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 17:10

Yeah. So we can think about self-care and relational care. On the self-care front, always we start with the basic needs, the basic physical needs. Eat, sleep, move, right? Universal to physical and mental health is are we taking care of ourselves with healthy eating habits still? Sleep habits are vital, and getting up and move, if you call it exercise or not, it doesn't matter. Get up and move and exercise or walk and take care of ourselves that way. Psychologically, after we take care of our basic physical needs, psychologically looking for self-care moments, whether it's uh mindful minutes and meditation time or prayer, connecting through art or nature or music, these are reaffirming where we can find awe and joy in life again. So really connecting and making an intentional movement towards these nourishing things physically and emotionally, psychologically is important. And again, that's not just a solo journey. Looking for where am I connecting with friends, some joy, some laughter, some just sitting, some grieving and crying and hugging, some playing cards and distracting myself or having deep conversations, the whole range of really intentionally moving towards, even when party you wants to be alone, alone, alone, important to have some solitude time, some down alone time. But let's not get stuck there. Let's take the intention to step out and connect with our friends and family and community, and/or professional supports, therapists, or pastors, or others as well, so we can keep getting that support. So those are the core uh coping skills we want to do.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 18:58

Thank you so much. And be thank you so much for sharing all of your expertise with us. Before we wrap up, is there anything else you would like to add?

Space And Grace For The Wobble

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 19:08

Yeah, we didn't touch so much on the routines. I forgot that part. And our next episode, we're going to talk more about routines. So getting back and creating new normal routines is another important coping skill with and for our kids and ourselves. But the other last thing I want to offer is the idea of allowing, again, intentionally allowing some space and grace for that range of feelings and some space and grace for both ourselves and for our kids. Space and grace for both the grief and sadness of loss, perhaps some space for the relief. So I talk about grief and relief, right? Relief that there's no longer suffering, right? If the if if a loved one passed after a lot of suffering or illness, we can feel some relief and gratitude that they're no longer in pain. If there was a lot of conflict or pain in a family relationship post-divorce, there's both grief for what was there, and there's relief and possible again opportunity for space moving forward. So really giving yourself some grace to lower expectations, lower the speed and pace of demands of getting it right, being perfect, moving on just so, and allow yourself to kind of wobble through some different things over time and know that that's okay. In fact, it's it's almost certain that you'll have some periods of wobbling and it's okay.

Closing Takeaways And Share Request

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 20:37

Thank you so much. Again, thank you for being here with us today and for sharing all of your expertise with us. Transitions can feel like big waves, but within them are opportunities for growth, connection, and resilience. Every time we navigate change, we build skills that carry forward into the next challenge. And those small movements, naming a feeling, reaching out, trying something new, all create ripples that can strengthen into resilience over time. Thank you to everyone listening to Ripples of Resilience. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter, and by a mindful village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If you found this episode helpful, consider sharing it with a friend, educator, or caregiver. Small conversations can create powerful ripples of resilience in our communities. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.