Smooth Transitions

The hardest parts of the day are often the “in-between” moments: turning off a screen, getting out the door, starting homework, and powering down for bedtime. When those transitions go poorly, it can feel like the whole day is held hostage by routines, arguments, and tantrums. We wanted a grounded, practical roadmap for caregivers and educators, so we sat down with Dr. Peter Montminy of A Mindful Village to talk about what’s really happening in a child’s brain and body during change.

We unpack why transitions require real physical and mental energy, why they’re tougher for tired kids and many neurodivergent learners, and why moving from a preferred activity to a non-preferred task can ignite instant pushback. We also reframe tantrums using the “iceberg” view of behavior: what you see on the surface is driven by underlying feelings, unmet needs, and a nervous system that may be stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. That lens changes everything, because it shifts the goal from simply stopping behavior to building emotional regulation skills that last.

From there, we get concrete. We walk through a two-phase approach: planning between incidents with a collaborative Plan A plus a built-in Plan B for curveballs, then coaching in the moment with short cues, validation, and clear choices. We also cover what to do when your child says “no” anyway, how to use meaningful consequences without escalating, and why your own “feelings temperature” is the prerequisite to helping your child regulate. You’ll leave with tools like weekly routine check-ins, visual schedules, and reminders that reduce nagging and increase follow-through.

If you’re working on parenting routines, classroom transitions, bedtime routines, morning routines, and fewer tantrums, hit play, then subscribe, share this with a friend, and leave a review so more caregivers can find the support.

If you or someone you know is in crisis, call or text 988 for immediate support. 

This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation and A Mindful Village. 

Jana Marie Foundation is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit organization located in State College, Pennsylvania which harnesses the power of creative expression and dialogue to spark conversations build connections, and promote mental health and wellbeing among young people and their communities. Learn more at Jana Marie Foundation.

A Mindful Village is Dr. Peter Montminy's private consulting practice dedicated to improving the mental health of kids and their caregivers. Learn more at A Mindful Village | Holistic Mental Health Care for Kids.

Music created by Ken Baxter. 

(c) 2025. Jana Marie Foundation. All Rights Reserved.

This podcast was developed in part under a grant number SM090046 from the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (HHS). The views, policies, and opinions expressed are those of the authors and do not necessarily reflect those of SAMHSA, HHS or the Pennsylvania Department of Human Services.

Transcript

Why Routines Break Down

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 0:17

Hello, and welcome back to Ripples of Resilience, a podcast from the Jana Marie Foundation, where we explore ideas, tools, and conversations that support mental health, resilience, and well-being for young people and the adults who care about them. I'm your host, Marisa Vicere. Today we're talking about something every caregiver, teacher, and kid experiences: daily routines, transitions, and tantrums. These are the moments that can make or break a day, the in-between moments like leaving the house, turning off a screen, starting homework, or bedtime. To help me unpack all of this is our resident expert, Dr. Peter Motminy from A Mindful Village. Dr. Motminy, thank you so much for being here today.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:03

Yeah, thank you, Marisa. This is a great topic that I was saying earlier, is like my bread and butter in my work with families, because no matter what difficulties, what diagnosis, what neurodiversity, what emotional difficulties from anxiety to anger to depression, it all fits with how are we getting through our daily lives, our daily routines. So right off the bat, it almost always comes back to how are we getting out of the house in the morning, how are we getting to bed at night, and many other things in between. So I love that we're going to talk about this today.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 1:35

Well, you are the perfect one to help us through all of this.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:40

We'll see.

Why Transitions Drain Kids

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 1:41

So let's start by talking about transitions in general. Why are they so hard for all of us, but especially for our kids?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 1:48

Yeah, well, you know, any transition by definition includes change. So there's inertia. You're in one mode, whether it's lying on the couch or absorbed in a particular activity, and literally when you need to shift gears, you need to change. It requires physical and mental energy. It requires stepping on a different gas pedal, it requires changing the channel or changing the circuits in your brain. So there's a real, like literally physical and mental energy shift that needs to happen. And for our kids, especially later in the day, if they're tired, that's hard to do. For kids, again, with kind of neurodiverse kind of ways of thinking and being in the world, it can be harder for them to shift gears. And it's often hardest when they're shifting from a preferred activity, they're enjoying what they're doing, to a non-preferred activity. You got to clean up your toys, put them away, and come to dinner, to get in the car to go to soccer practice, or we've got to get out the door. You know, whatever it is, that shifting gears takes energy. And if it's shifting from something they're enjoying to something they're not, look out opportunity for tantrums.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 2:53

When we say time to stop playing or get ready for bed, we're asking that brain to switch those tracks quickly, which can result in those big reactions. So let's reframe

Tantrums As Needs Showing Up

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 3:03

tantrums for a second. What's actually happening?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 3:06

Yeah, I love the idea of reframing tantrums because we see the behavior that we don't like or want to stop. But as always, we want to look beneath the tip of the iceberg, right? The tip of the iceberg, the observable above the water line is the behavior we see. But we need to always pause first and remember any behavior, tantrum or otherwise, is an external expression of some internal feeling or need, right? If you think about it. So that tantrum behavior, we went, stop it, knock it off. This is embarrassing, this is upsetting, it's frustrating to see our kid having a tantrum, whether it's you know, arguing or melting down, flailing or crying or screaming, or just you know, throwing things or just pouting, whatever it may be, takes many different forms, right? We want to address or stop the behavior. As always, the best way to do that, look beneath the tip of the iceberg and say, what's the underlying feeling or need driving the behavior? And when we start there, then we can join with the child in what's the underlying feeling, what's the unmet need state that they're having, and we'll address that, which will help them then hopefully shift their behaviors. The last piece of that is we also want to think what's the current state of their nervous system. So you see a behavior you don't like, pause, think what's the underlying feeling or need driving the behavior, and what's their current nervous system state. By that I mean are they in fight, flight, freeze or not, right? Or are they socially engaged, calm, focused, and ready to shift gears more easily on their own. If their nervous system is agitated, if that's sympathetic activation, the gas pedals hitting the floor and they are in fight or flight mode, then you we're gonna have to do a lot more of the heavy lifting to help them make it through that transition.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 4:59

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And so really taking that time to not just react ourselves, but to really respond to what those needs are. How can we help our kids become more regulated, whether it's at home or

Plan Ahead Then Coach Live

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 5:16

at school?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 5:16

Yeah. So I think about two different stages or phases, if you will. One is between incidents, where we have the opportunity to debrief, learn from what just happened, coach them up, or huddle up before we get out of the car and go into the store, or huddle up before we get ready to do our morning routine or our homework routine. So we have this between incidents little opportunity to have a heart-to-heart chat and really coach them and collaborate with them on what's our game plan going to be. And then the other is in the heat of the moment. So let's take that first one, the between episodes, as I call it. You want to really plan ahead and come up with a game plan with the child in a collaborative way. You want to talk about what do we want to try to do to get through the morning? You know, do we want more arguing or do we want it more peace? Do we want to feel more tense or do we want to feel more enjoyable? You get some buy-in with what and why we want to get through this routine differently. And then you collaborate together. Well, let's think how we can do that. What if we do it this way? What if we do it that way? How will that help you be able to be calmer and move through it? Even when part of you doesn't want to, how can you get through this quicker and easier rather than make it longer and harder for us? So we come up with this game plan, and then I like to be clear with the kids. All right, this is plan A. And then always build in the option for flexibility because sometimes curveballs come, right? We come up with these plans, we plan ahead, we try to prepare our kids, but we can't always control or predict what's going to happen. So after you come up with this collaborative game plan, we'll call plan A, this is what we're expecting to do, then always add at the end of it, unless something else comes up. Then we'll need to go to plan B. This is baking in flexibility and adjusting to things when curveballs do come, which we know come throughout the day pretty often, right? So we want to focus on that together. And then in the moment where we need to actually execute the plan, this is when we go to this second phase in the moment now, where we can just hopefully quickly cue and remind them, hey, remember, buddy, it's now time, like we talked about. We're gonna, you know, you say yes, you were allowed to get on the screen. Yes, you were allowed to play with your Legos, we talked about, as long as when I gave you the two-minute warning and then said time's up two minutes later, you would be able to quickly and cooperatively put things away and shift to the next thing, remember? So it's time to shift gears. Let's try to shift gears, buddy. I don't want to be, I know it's hard. You don't want to and pause, breeze. We're gonna try to get through this, what? Quicker and easier or longer and harder? Which way do you want to do this? Okay, so we can remind the kid in the moment, reflect and validate the feeling. I know you're struggling, buddy. Acknowledge that underlying feeling or need first and then address the behavior. Reflect and validate the feeling. I see you're frustrated, buddy. I know you don't want to change right now. I know it's hard to get up and go when you're having fun, and knock butt, and then we redirect the behavior choices. And remember, we're gonna try to do it quicker and easier. So let's see if you can go do it this way or that way. So you then cue it up the plan with reflect and validate the feeling and redirect the behavior choices.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 8:37

Thank you so much for all of that. I love how we're building in that plan B to build in that flexibility and then also reminding and coaching in those moments to help them as well as outside of that time.

unknown 8:51

Yeah.

When They Refuse Anyway

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 8:52

Question for you. So let's say we've built all of this in and we've given the two-minute warning, we've shared that expectation ahead of time, and they still say no. Where do we go then as parents or teachers or caregivers?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 9:07

Yeah. I see you're stuck, and when you're ready, we're gonna shift gears. So I'm betting on you being able to do this quicker and easier. Let's take those breaths, let's calm down and let's regroup. No, I don't care. This is stupid. So then we're taking their feeling temperature, and if their emotional temperature is up elevated and they're really stuck in their meltdown mode, you can't logic them through it, you can't threaten them through it, you can't bribe them through it. You have to say, I see you're really upset, and when you come down, then we'll figure this out. Now you might say, we don't have time, we're gonna miss the bus, and I'm gonna be late for work in the morning. Pause, breathe. We need to be able to figure out am I trying to control my kids' behavior better, or am I trying to teach my kids self-control better? And so sometimes we may need to miss the bus the first couple days to really work through this kid. I understand you're melting down. And when you regroup, calm down, we will regroup and we'll figure out what plan B is for this morning. Then later on, you talk with, you know, and maybe as you're putting him to bed later that night, hey, let's figure out how we can have a better plan A tomorrow morning and not have to wind up with plan B. You also can follow through with meaningful consequences, where if we can get through plan A quicker and easier, then you know this positive result or something you enjoy doing is going to be waiting for you on the other side. If you get struggling and caught in meltdowns time and time again, then you need to know you're not mature enough, you're not able to handle this, you're not able to have that privilege, and you'll have earned a restriction or the negative consequence. So we can reflect and redirect, reflect the feelings and redirect the behaviors on the front end. If they're really digging in and stuck in no, no, no, we have to wait it out until they calm down to be able to redirect them. And then we can reinforce the behaviors by, well, if we miss the bus and you know we had to wait it out, then they're not going to have a play privilege after school that maybe they were looking forward to. You can add that at the end in a way that fits.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 11:12

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for talking through that. I know that's always a question in the in the back of minds of like, this sounds great. And what about my my kid that's being more stubborn or not really going with the plans that we have laid out? Yeah. So, you know, we spend a lot of time really thinking through those routines, making sure transitions are are easier and we put in some expectations in place. How long should we try something that we're we're doing? And is it okay to go back and revisit our plans to see if they're working or to see if there's other ways to really help navigate through those transition periods?

Weekly Reset For Plan A

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 11:50

Yeah, great question. Um, I when we come up with that game plan, plan A and maybe plan B, we say, let's try it and see. We're gonna try it this week, and we're gonna try to see if morning routines can go more peacefully and nicely, or homework routine or bedtime routine, whatever it may be specifically. And you came up with a specific what we're gonna do and why, and then how we're gonna do it. Steps one, two, three. We're gonna eat our breakfast, we're gonna put our clothes on, and when you're fully dressed and ready to go, then you may have a few minutes to play. If you're not fully ready to go, you won't have a few minutes to play before we leave. Simple, maybe outline of an example, yeah? And we say, let's try it and see for the next week. And so I typically want people to try it for at least a week, sometimes two weeks, you know. But let's just say a week. In other words, I don't want you changing plans every day. Well, that didn't work, let's try this. Well, that didn't work, let's try this. None of these is a one-off. You have to stick with it, show the kids you mean it, work out the kinks in the new plan yourself. So stick with it. And one of the ways you can simply think about this is to have a weekly little mini family meeting. So, like on Sunday afternoon or something, you might gather together for a few minutes with a kiddo and do what I call a week in review and a week in preview, where you can discuss. Hey, remember we said we're going to try this morning routine differently this this week, and for the last five days we tried it to see if it would be more peaceful and fun or more of a hassle still. What do you think? Did that work better or worse? And you break it down together. What worked about our plan, what didn't work about our plan, and from that, hmm, let's figure out how to adjust that and try it differently this week. Okay, we'll tweak it, we'll try this a little differently. Now for the next week. So the week in preview, we're going to try it this way, and I'm going to remind you this way. And when I remind you, you're going to take your big breaths, common breaths, and then try to step in and do it a little quicker and easier. All right, hi five, love you. Let's get on with our day. So have a little, you know, try it for a week and let's see, and then review it and preview it and keep doing it until you're in a smoother place.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 13:57

Thank you so much. I love how we're making that eye contact, we're remaining calm, we're creating that connection and really working through that collaborative problem solving together. So getting their voice, which I'm sure is is empowering for them too, rather than just having everything done to them.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 14:15

And it's important, right? When we say collaborative problem solving like that, and you're absolutely right, you want to be using all those relational skills to be nurturing a positive relationship during the conversation, including this, the tough conversations, especially. But you're not by including the kid, letting him direct the show. You're still the adult in charge. You're taking into consideration their thoughts and feelings, and you make it clear you're the parent, you have the final say, and yes, you want to know what they think and feel, and we'll try to add some of that where we can. So it's not a you know a conversation of equals. Sometimes parents get worried about that, but you know, it's also important to bring the kid in and include them, like you said. Absolutely.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 14:57

Yeah, thank you so much. So how do we, I know we've talked about like the feelings temperature before and how it's important to not only take our child's temperature in the moment, but also our own. So, how do we monitor our own feelings temperature in the moment? And how do we deal with our own emotions when we're getting frustrated, like we need to get out the door, and here we are dealing with transitions again and feeling like we should be in a different space?

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 15:23

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So the necessary prerequisite to any of the suggestions we've talked about thus far is that we are self-regulated first. Remember, children develop self-regulation through attuned relationships with a self-regulating adult. Kids calibrate their nervous system on ours. So, on if we're getting more and more agitated, we can expect that to have an amplifying effect on their tension, aggravation, and arguing and proneness to melt down some cells.

Regulate Yourself To Lead

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 15:57

So we absolutely want to go pause, breathe to myself first. One to ten, how hot is my temperature? Let me see what I need to do to bring it down. So I can be more responsive, not reactive, as I think you said earlier here, to whatever they're doing. And it takes real work. So I think a two-step dance, first step, step back, take care of yourself, second step, step in and lean into the child, and now you're ready to be the container, the support they need to ground their nervous system on ears more calmly and get through it. Think simply of what do you do when you have a crying, screaming baby? How do you calm a crying infant or a screaming infant? Literally, what do we do? And everybody knows instinctively, right? You hold the baby, rock, soothe, calming touch, rhythmic movement, soft voice, soft eye gaze, right? I've got you. If you're kind of tensing up and holding the baby and going, just stop screaming, you know. Does that help? Of course not. It turns that baby screaming more. So we know we don't like get tense and hold the baby tensely and use a tense voice. We pause, breathe, and go, it's okay, honey. I gotcha. I know. Oh, poor baby, that's really hard. Now we change the language. We don't say to our 16-year-old, all poor baby, you know, or even our six-year-old. But we do need to be aware of the same energy of meeting their distress with our calm, soothing body and voice. How we are being in the moment is as important, if not more important, than what we are doing. So if we give you these scripts, say this or do this, but you do it tensely, it's not gonna work. You come up with your own script, but you're calm and centered and anchored, what I call warm and firm to move the child through their distress, you're gonna be okay. So it's absolutely vital, again, that we pause, breathe, self-regulate, then choose to step in and respond to the child's difficulties. Then we can reflect and validate their feelings and redirect them to appropriate behavior choices. Then we can follow through with meaningful and fair consequences, but not if we don't self-check and self-regulate first.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 18:14

I love that. I read somewhere, be the calm in someone else's chaos. And I think that really kind of fits in here of just remembering we can be that grounding sense for them.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 18:26

Yeah, be the calm in someone else's chaos. Love it.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 18:29

Yeah. So thank you so much for sharing all of these different insights with us. Do you have any final thoughts as we move to wrap up?

Visual Cues And Simple Supports

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 18:38

No, I think we've hit some of the main ones. If you find the kids really having trouble remembering what those routines are, and you're getting tired of reminding them, and the kid feels like you're nagging when you're trying to be helpful in reminding, you can use, remember, visual cues and digital reminders on our phones, set alarms, put little posters, little reminders, let the kid co-create the visual map of what that morning routine is going to look like, set out visual clocks or reminders, especially for kids who are going to get off track, off-task, time management-wise. So don't forget to use simple little crutches and have the kid kind of create it with you. And often that's a little adjunct to help you not feel like you have to be there every minute reminding them, which neither you like nor they like.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 19:26

So true. Well, thank you very much. Routines aren't about perfection, they're about support. They're small, steady anchors in our day that help us feel a little more grounded, a little more prepared, and a little more in control. Whether it's a calm start to your morning, a predictable after-school rhythm, or a simple bedtime ritual, those moments add up. They create a sense of safety and stability for us

Routines As Anchors Not Perfection

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 19:52

and for the people we care about. And when routines get disrupted, as they inevitably will, it's okay. That's not failure, that's life. What matters most is having the tools and awareness to gently return to what helps you, your family, or your classroom feel more balanced. So as you move through your week, we invite you to reflect what's one small routine you can create or strengthen that supports your well-being and the well-being of those around you. Thank you, Dr. Montminy, for being here today.

Dr. Peter Montminy, A Mindful Village 20:24

Thank you.

Marisa Vicere, President and Founder, Jana Marie Foundation 20:25

And thank you to everyone listening to Ripples of Resilience. This podcast is brought to you by Jana Marie Foundation, where we're dedicated to opening minds and saving lives through conversations that matter. And by A Mindful Village, where Dr. Peter Montminy provides holistic mental health care for kids and their caregivers. If this episode resonated with you, share it with someone who might need a little extra support or structure right now. And as always, take care of yourselves and each other.