Secrets From a Coach - Debbie Green & Laura Thomson's Podcast

283. Effortless Presence - Poised to Perform

Season 23 Episode 283

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0:00 | 30:19

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Welcome to our second episode in our Powerful Performance mini-series and this one is all about staying calm, getting into flow (not fluster) state and shifting from anxiety into anticipation. We share simple tools for keeping on the front foot including situations like performance reviews and creating a sense of readiness that balances presence with preparation. 

Time Pressure And Modern Presence

SPEAKER_01

Debs!

SPEAKER_00

Law, are you alright?

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, I'm doing well. How is life with you?

SPEAKER_00

It's doing alright. It feels like I cannot believe where we are in the mid of this year so far. And I know we try not to sort of date it so we can use our pods at any time, but time is going really quickly. So having to be on, off, ready, not ready, present, not present is like, whoa, it feels like a bit of a roller coaster, but I don't think I'm alone, am I?

SPEAKER_01

I don't think you are alone. And you know, obviously uh in our day jobs, we're running workshops and one-to-one sessions or big group sessions. Just even having the gift of quality structured time.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

Is actually, I think, what people are valuing to be able to catch up and review, plan and reset, and then kind of you know put into action, you know, what you want to sort of take forward next. Yeah. And I'm absolutely loving this current focus that we've got on powerful presence. Whether that is how do we get that one-to-one attention when we are living in an attention economy where there is so much noise and distraction. And then we had the fabulous Carl last episode, who was uh stepping in for me. Carl, a joy as ever to hear your words of wisdom delivered in such light, easy to understand ways. And it was brilliant taking that kind of performance aspect, but how to not make it performative. So, how to create that genuine sense of presence.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, so you could connect. I think so, and um, and even though we didn't have the red lipstick on law, which um he said he'd do it next time. Yeah, we were thinking about you know how that links with that whole thing about being present and what do we need to consider, how do we need to do it? And what happens, I suppose, if we're suddenly called upon to perform something, and are we are we ready for it? You know, because do we are we having to be born ready, just be on alert, ready to go, or does that cause us more um anxiety, stress, thinking, overthinking? So there's a I think there's a real sweet spot um around this whole thing about being in the now, consciously present, but we're not always, I think.

The Surprise Live Interview Story

Why He Handled It So Well

SPEAKER_01

No, no, and that's what I just think is so fascinating about modern-day work life is how do you have how do you keep yourself present, but with one eye on the future and one eye reflecting on the best bits that you've learned from your past. Yeah. Um, and it was it was brilliant having heard the conversation that you had then with Carl, and then bizarrely, this most incredible example of that happened on a virtual workshop I was running yesterday. Oh, tell us more. I love this. So there I am running a three-hour virtual workshop, lots of people from all parts of the world, so it was an evening session in terms of um UK time, and um, there's been some real kind of jolts happening in this particular industry. So, in a well-known organisation, a thousand people had been laid off just the two weeks previously. So that was a quarter of their workforce just gone. So, all over LinkedIn, you know, if you're in with those groups, you can see the impact that's then had. So there was this kind of weird twist of fate where there'd basically been a mistake on the guy who was the guest speaker coming in, who's like an industry veteran, um, uh, an incorrect link had been given. So I sort of put the delegates into this kind of pretend breakout room exercise to then basically work with this guy to check the other correct link, which then gave him and I this kind of private two-minute chat. And I said, Oh, we've got some people on here who've been impacted by the layoffs, and actually, there's one of the guys, and he said, Ah, what's he like? What's his experience? We're actually currently hiring. And I said, Oh, yeah, he seems like a really good guy. This is what he does. Anyway, we then kind of had his bit where he was doing the talk and stuff, and then I then put everyone, said, Right, let's have a 10-15-minute break. Actually, person who's been affected by the layoffs and looking for work, did you want to stay on and have a quick chat with our legend? And then basically, a live interview took place. Oh, wow! On this call, with like 11 other delegates obviously pretending not to listen with their like cameras off and and voice. And then all of the delegates were put in into the chat room. Yeah, this guy's great, you've got to hire him, he's one of the best. And this guy, by the way, who was the one who's been laid off and you know looking for work, was driving. So we pulled over into the lay-by. Okay, blind me. Random over in California, so I'm like, are you safe? Um, and this just incredible moment of this guy was completely unprepped. Yeah, he was driving and had stopped off to sit in a lay-by, and with all these people kind of watching on or pretending not to watch, he just handled himself with such effortless presence. He just was able to be humble, um, just talk about it. And it wasn't an in-depth interview, but it was like two minutes of super impactful connection time. Wow. And I think life sometimes serves you these opportunities where it just might be a one or two-minute interaction, but who knows? That could a door, a door is closed in his career, but it could open up all these windows of opportunity, and you never quite know when those moments of impact could take place. And we all kind of once the industry veteran has sort of signed off, we all went, wow, well done. You absolutely nailed it there. I also checked in saying, uh, was that all right, me creating that opportunity? I hadn't quite imagined it was going to get quite so big as that, but it was a moment, Debs. And the question I've got for you is what was it that enabled our guy to have the wherewithal and the ability to just handle that moment of unexpected needing to show up? Yeah. What was it that would have enabled him to do that?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, that, wow, first of all, what an incredible story. And the fact that he just went into it, good on him. Um, so we went straight into his flow, um, as we would call that. So um he went from not having to overthink stuff or think about saying the right thing, um, how am I coming across? Didn't have time to process that because he actually knew who he was and how he was being. And I think, you know, we talked about that last time about our authentic self, how are we being, and if we've prepped around enough about what we love, what we don't like, when we are asked, it just comes and flows with effortless presence, which has always been my mantra. So there's more a lot of self-trust. He would have had a lot of self-trust about what he can bring, I think, um, and being mindful in the moment around listening as well to what he was being asked, probably, responding, not just reacting. So he probably paused. I mean, I didn't hear it, but um, and he was able to adapt in that moment, which is a is an element of letting go of any concerns, fears, stress, anxiety, and flipping it into more of a curiosity mindset where he probably went, Oh, okay, right, I'll go, I'll go with it, I'll go with the flow. So, but only because I would have said that he knew who he was, and given the opportunity, he just trusted himself to do it. Incredible, so powerful. Yeah, yeah, Debs.

SPEAKER_01

You've you've given some great um little um little phrases there. So about getting into the flow, so that flow state, yeah, and that calmness kind of bringing that, and also whether, you know, it's kind of uh 20 years in the making for that two-minute moment almost in terms of how you're finding yourself and being aware of how to articulate yourself. Do you know the other thing I think that just came out as well, now you sort of give me some things to then reflect on, is he was grateful for the opportunity.

SPEAKER_00

Yes.

SPEAKER_01

So he was grateful. Didn't take it for granted. Didn't take it for granted, no, and rather than kind of going, oh, and it all feeling a bit awkward, and I I don't know this guy too well, but he's um he I imagine I I I'm assuming he has a bit more of an introverted energy. So it wasn't showing off and it wasn't, you know, dominating the conversation. But I think he just had that moment of, uh, this is a moment. I'm really grateful for it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

So how do I then handle this this interaction? Yeah. So it wasn't sort of scripted, but it's uh yeah, it was that flow. I think that's a really great way of putting it.

Trust And Safety In Teams

SPEAKER_00

And he probably paused and he probably listened to the question that the guy might have been asking him, um, and probably slowed himself down. Again, out of consciousness. I think, you know, if we're on heightened awareness and we're put up to do something without any notice, if we and we don't not always know it, but we just say, right, what do I know? Well, I know who I am, I know what my strengths are, I know what I bring. Okay, I can access that and I'm gonna channel that because this is an opportunity to shine in like two minutes. Um, but that's that's a huge amount of self-awareness. And I he I would hazard a guess he's done a lot of work on himself to be who he is being. Yeah, and I think that's that's the beauty of it. When you see people naturally do it, just step in and go with the flow. Um, they are very self-aware and they trust they know their stuff, and they're not trying to prove anything, they are just to uh to share. And I think you're right, that opportunity to be able to just be him in that moment, and he took that chance and he took that opportunity, credit to him for doing it. Because a lot of us would go, I can't do it. Whereas he went, pause, let's step in, let's lean into it.

SPEAKER_01

Now, Debs, you know I love a metaphor or an analogy or an allegory, whatever it's called. I know nothing about football. You know more about it than I do. And as you were talking, I was kind of thinking, Do you know what? We sort of operated like a team in that little environment. Yes. So, like the ball came towards us, we got this opportunity for conversation. Yeah. I I I I, whatever role I was, I kicked it towards him, and this guy was almost in goal, need and he was ready. He was he was ready, he was on the ball, and so it was almost like a tip. And I'm thinking there must be loads of examples in teams where we kind of pass each other an opportunity, and is my teammate ready? Which then creates that trust because everyone else is also watching it from the sides going, okay, we're on it. We're on it.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and I think it's that um pro you can call it anticipation, proactiveness, um, rehearsed, um, have an understanding. It, you know, uh, and but I think what you said there for me, it comes back to um being able to control the connection you have with yourself and knowing what to share, what how you can share it, and just being, and it is all about being, it's just trust, trust yourself and the fact that you played, you played together, he there must have been a level of trust that you've created in that room anyway. And I think that's probably why he felt safe to say, Yeah, I'll take this chance, and didn't back away from it. And I think had he not maybe had that, however, you might have set that room up, Law. Um, I think that would have made him feel comfortable and in a safe space that he was gonna be held in that moment and no one was gonna criticize Judge, step in. Everybody sounds like, even though you broke them out into a room and turn your cameras off for a break, it sounds like everyone pretend listening. Pretending listening, but everybody held that space for him. And I think then the regardless, I believe, the you know, the energy, he would have probably felt that the fact that no one else was watching him, and that's always a good thing, but he would have the fact that everyone else had the respect to give him the space, that again probably um fed somewhere into you know his uh subconscious that okay, say it, say it, because he knew who he was.

SPEAKER_01

Debs, I've loved this bit, and then I've got a question for you. So, what have I taken from this uh so far? You never know when life is gonna throw you a ball.

SPEAKER_00

Yes, that's true.

Keepy-Uppies Practice For Presence

SPEAKER_01

Um, and um, so how equipped am I, individually and collectively, yeah, to be in that flow state? Yeah. Well, so as and when I'm sort of required, I think, okay, there's this is an opportunity. How do I get into that flow state? It doesn't have to be scripted or overly rehearsed. No, but as you said, it's about controlling the connection to yourself. Love that. Yeah, so it's working on your key pee uppy skills.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, brilliant. Well done, Laura. It definitely is. Keep peppy skills. I love that. Yeah, because the more you do, the better you get, the more you get, the more you do, the more confident you are, but you don't over-rehearse or over-practice. And I think that's why on a training ground, and I think this links in with what Carl was saying, the rehearsals they do in a dance world, they don't do the same rehearsal every, every single day. They mix it up because then they are um, they have that level of still a bit bit alert, if that makes sense, but not complacent. Um, and I think that's what they do on the training ground. They they mix up the training, they mix up where they're going, how they're gonna do it. And if we relate that back into the world of teams, if they're doing the same old, same old team huddle that's the same introduction, the same check-in, the same structure, the same this, the close and boring. We just switch off. And that's why I think leaders, managers, team leaders have to change their game up because you know, so they might cycle through um a series of different um, I don't know, icebreakers, openers, venues, I don't know what it is, but the conscious effort to create slight difference on a cycle, you might do you know, it keeps it going, keeps people alert and I suppose ready on their toes, I suppose. Yeah. So yeah, keepy uppies. I'm gonna love that. Love that.

SPEAKER_01

Keep you uppies to keep your uppies.

SPEAKER_00

Keep your uppies, yeah.

When Presence Feels Like Effort

SPEAKER_01

Yeah. Now, Debs, go on. I have got a question for you. Go on. Is presence an effort for you?

SPEAKER_00

Or shall we um let me reflect on that law? Bear with me.

SPEAKER_01

All right, we'll just give her 10 years. Consults Chat GPT.

SPEAKER_00

No, I've got it here. I can't find my note. I wrote it. Where's my piece of paper, God? Okay, what an amazing question. Actually, yes, it it is, it can be. Um, it is difficult, it can be hard to be present at times. Um is it an effort for you? For me, yes. And I think it would be for others as well. I'm not alone in this, but it's being a having an awareness of where you're at and what you're doing. And um normally, if it feels like an effort, then for me and probably for others, I'm overthinking it. I'm probably trying to prove something, so it may be overperforming in that moment. Um, second guessing myself is another one. I'm gonna get caught out, imposter syndrome creeps in, all of that lovely stuff. Um, and that's what makes it really hard because it becomes, I think for me, it then feels heavy and it's then for not authentic. And then my mind's going, you're not being yourself, and and then you go in that spiral of self-doubt and get yourself together. And I so what I've learned to do over the years is just pause and say, I'll tell you what, let's take a break, shall we? Let's five minutes and send everybody off if it's in the middle of a room, um, so that I can just gather my thoughts and get back into the flow of what it was. So um I think yeah, sometimes that efforts look pretty, we can get complacent with it because we think we know it all, we're on autopilot, we just show up. Um we're not checking in and noticing how we're landing in the room or recognizing or reading other people's body language or non-verbal communication. Um yeah, I think that's a sign when we're just not not, you know, not making it feel harder for ourselves. Um, and I think really it should be for me, it's about permission to be yourself, um, not pressure. So the minute you feel the pressure, so if if I were like, is it hard? Yes, it is, and that's because there's pressure on. So I have to recognise that pressure and then think about okay, what am I gonna do differently? How am I gonna be? Um, where am I in the process? So it's reforming really quickly in my mind where where I've got to be. Does that make sense? Makes total sense. But I think everybody has that law.

The Origin Of Effortless Presence

SPEAKER_01

Oh, absolutely. And then you've got to work out how do I how do I manage myself through that? So I need the dopamine rush of I've set my pressure, I've delivered it, I can tick it off. Yes. Yes, and I have constant um uh reminder, uh alarms on my phone, I'm kind of constantly competing against the clock. Yes. Um you gamify it, don't you? I gamify it because otherwise it's too much. And then and then it means the because the end you then take a step up and you think, all of this is living. Like this is evidence of you know, you're employed, you've got things to do, you know, there's stuff. So at some point in my life, I'll be grateful for these moments. So how do I not spoil it now? Because um, you know, we can ever so sort of get caught up. But Debs, I want to hear the story, the origin story of that two-word phrase that you started to use a couple of years ago. I I dropped it in at the start because I can't tell you how many times I've had hashtag effortless presence written at the top of a to-do list when it's all felt a bit overwhelming. So tell us about that, because that really just helped switch up how I viewed the need to be present, yeah, but also to enjoy life as well as you're going through it.

SPEAKER_00

Oh, yeah, I think it came, yeah, you're right. It was a couple of years back, and I still have it as you know, my mantra, if you like, if understanding if I was to show up with effortless presence, what does that look like? Because it was a time um when I felt there was loads and loads of stuff floating around, and I felt like I was half in a room rather than whole in a room, and it just felt like it was hard work, and I think it shouldn't feel hot like hard work, especially if you're doing something you love. So I had to check in with myself as to what else was going on. Um, and there was loads of pressure outside, da da da da da. And I just thought, you know what? I'm just gonna take a moment and think about if I was to be present, but I didn't push hard or I didn't try harder or I didn't want to please everybody, then that means I'm not actually putting much effort in. And I thought, no, no, that's not a word. Um, so I just said it's effortless presence. I I'm just gonna turn up as me, know who I am, know what I bring, and it's just gonna be a calm presence. So it doesn't feel like or seem like there's effort to it. Um, and that just sort of calmed my whole mind down, and I was therefore able to flow, move, adapt because I was really present in the moment and it was just effortless to do that. So that's where it came from.

SPEAKER_01

Oh, I love it. Do you know the word forced came in? So it's not forcing that presence, it's that flow state of flow state.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

I'm here, let me be fully in. I think that's brilliant. Because you know, life throws us curveballs as well as the ball passes. Yes, you know, you've got the equivalent of you know, fire alarms or unexpected items in the baggage hold. You know, you've got things, you've got you, you've got um, you've got things that kind of happen happen.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, I think it enables you to own your space and that ability, like we always saw breathe. If you feel anxiety drawing, or you know, just take a breath, take a moment, you don't have to follow the script, you know, um, you don't have to be on point all of the time, and that that's okay. So take the pressure off and that just by saying, you know, today it's gonna be effortless presence, it just lifts you, even if you say it out loud, it just makes you think, Oh, yeah, that's true. Absolutely. And then your body relaxes, and then you can be who you want to be, and yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Absolutely. I mean, better saying effortless presence to yourself on the way into the office than total shitstorm.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, exactly. Because guess what will happen? That's what you're gonna get. Because your mind will give you what you want. Um it will.

Anticipation Versus Anxiety Reframe

SPEAKER_01

Do you remember our saying there was that thing in The New Scientist about how um even people imagining walking into a dark room, their pupils will dilate? Yes, yeah. Even when you imagine staring into a bright light, your pupils contract. Like our body is so poised to um dial up what's required. And where does that instruction come from? It comes from your in your internal state. Absolutely. I want to just clarify something because where my brain is going is what is the difference between anticipating the ball coming towards you and therefore being poised to be present in that moment versus anxious about what the world might throw at you. So, what might be some things that can really help us ensure that we're in the good side of anticipation rather than the less comfortable side of anxiety?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, I love that. I love that. So um anticipation, believe it or not, and anxiety actually feel almost the same in the in our bodies. Um, it's the same racing heart, it's the same heightened energy. So, but one it will expand us and one will you know construct but contract us if you like, so we can't function. Um, so what you know, the but the difference is the feeling it creates, but it's actually the meaning you then give it. Um, and they're just both live in the unknown, they both bring energy one way or another, as they expand or you know. Detract and they both are a bit of a signal that things actually matter to you in that moment. The difference is in what the messaging is. So anxiety will say something along the lines of so what if it goes wrong? Which will stir up a whole different reaction within your body and your mind. But anticipation will be asking and saying, What if this could go well? And I think that's the difference. Same sensation, different story, but a very different outcome. Because our body doesn't know the difference, you know. So our nervous system, you know, doesn't know the difference. That nervous sort of I'm going to turn up in a meeting, um, I've got to have a talk, I've got to have a conversation with somebody, those nerves start whizzing around because it's saying to you, get ready, this matters. Um, and I think that's the that's the thing we're looking at rather than going, oh my god, I'm nervous, but I'm getting ready. It's just just adapting your reframing your language to it um will make a huge difference if you can think about it that way.

SPEAKER_01

I love that. So, what nuggets have come out? Our body will respond and react to what we tell it to.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01

And so it starts with that. How am I framing this ball coming towards me? The ank the anxiety, so if anxiety and anticipation all sort of come from the same area, the anxious version would be the ball's coming towards me, what if I miss it?

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely, and then they do. So if you watch it on a game, watch when they've switched off. You can see it. When you aren't recognized this, I've watched loads of games and even golf and sports, and you can see it the minute they've gone into their heads, as I call it, and they're overthinking it, it doesn't go well. And it's fascinating to watch. They miss they because they're not present in the moment, so therefore they're you know, they're not ready for it, if that makes sense. They've overthought it in that instant, it's so fast as well.

SPEAKER_01

And the anticipation version would be the ball is coming towards me. Yeah, where in the goal am I gonna get it?

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, absolutely, and where will I put it next? So they're ready to go wherever it needs to go, if that makes sense. So being bull, yeah, being ready.

Everyday Moments To Catch The Ball

SPEAKER_01

So let's wrap up thinking about what are the ball opportunities that we might then have in our everyday. There might be some performance reviews, yeah. You might be in a job hunting or career shifting role at phase of life, and you know, there's going to be some opportunities where someone might say, So tell me about yourself. And the balls come towards me. What do I want to share rather than who am I to share? So it's that anticipation. Yeah. Um, I think that is really liberating to know that it might feel the same to the to your body. So even if you're feeling those butterflies, that's an indication that this matters. It does matter. Not an indication that you should you should shy away from it and you're not the right person. Um, and I also think there are some, you never know when there might be just a one or two minute interaction which could, at some point, it might be a couple of weeks, years, a decade, where someone then says, Tell me about that person, you worked with them before, and you go, Yes, you know that they can be a trusted member of that team, because whether it was planned or unplanned, when there's a maneuver of a ball that you've passed towards them, yeah, you trust that they're going to be ready to receive it, but not in an anxious state of dread, but in that flow state of anticipation.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, absolutely. And and that, if you take it into teams in workspaces, that understanding each other, knowing what role each person plays, knowing what the ground rules are, knowing what happens if this happens, knowing and having practiced it a bit. Um, that's why those teams work super well together because they've taken the time to invest in themselves to understand themselves better and have had a bit of a what-if scenario walkthrough and have given them as much training as they possibly can, but not overtrained them. So they become then complacent. Yeah. It becomes their more awareness of it and they trust themselves.

Practical Call To Action And Share

SPEAKER_01

Debs, love it. So we'll do our call to action and share the secret in a moment. But I think this also works as a super companion episode to what I know is going to be a brilliant one next week, which is in the fourth in our four-part focus looking at powerful presence, which we'll look exactly at that from a performance under pressure. What does that mean for a team to be present with each other? So super looking forward to that, and then with the guests that we've got lined up. So, episode one, we looked at in those one-to-one moments in an attention economy that is forever trying to distract us, how do we give that one-to-one presence? We then had Carl last week, who was in conversation with you around, well, from a performance point of view, what does that then mean to have that connection? And what we've looked at with this one was is well, how do I get myself in a state where I am ready and poised for that performance moment and that phrase of effortless presence? So we're not forcing it, but we're flowing with it. So, Debs, what would be a practical call to action that you think would be something really empowering to focus on this week?

SPEAKER_00

Oh, okay, what would I suggest? I suppose for me it would be um slow down, just take a moment and let your presence breathe and enable it to come through without putting a lid on it or trying too hard because that's not going to help you in the long run. And asking, I probably would ask yourself, you know, if I was to trust myself a little more, what would that look like?

SPEAKER_01

Oh no.

SPEAKER_00

That would be mine. What's your share the secret, Lau?

SPEAKER_01

My share the secret would be who do you know that you've been chatting with who has got something um small but big coming up? So maybe they've said, Oh, I'm not looking forward to this meeting I've got next week, or I've got my performance review next week, or I'm having a chat with my boss, and and get them to look to listen to this, to get some practical and big picture thoughts around every opportunity the ball comes to you is a sign that you're important and this matters.

SPEAKER_00

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01

So, how do I enjoy that process? So then the best version of me can then come out and that we can have that effortless presence. So if you've got a mate who you know's got some small but big stuff coming up, get them to listen to this as a as a reminder because sometimes it's so reassuring to know that other people feel exactly the same.

SPEAKER_00

Yeah, and we all do, Law. I have not met anyone that doesn't, and anybody out there that thinks that they don't, I'd love to chat to you because yeah, we all have those feelings, all of us will.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, loved it. Oh, devs, have a effortlessly present week.

SPEAKER_00

You too, Law.

SPEAKER_01

Trying to get my verbs.

SPEAKER_00

Don't ask me. Yes, I think so. Let's just align ourselves. Just align ourselves align ourselves to ourselves because it's not about working harder, it's about alignment to who we are. Um and let your presence do the work for you because you've already put the work in. That's what I'd say.

SPEAKER_01

Keep you uppy skills. That is gonna be my hashtag for today.

SPEAKER_00

Oh my god, I love that. I'm gonna remember that as well. Yeah, I'm gonna practice my keepy-uppie skills. Not too not too often, but enough that I don't lose it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've really enjoyed this conversation.

SPEAKER_00

It's been really cool.

SPEAKER_01

Fantastic week, and see you next week.

SPEAKER_00

See you next week. Love you. Bye.

SPEAKER_01

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