291. From Colleague to Parent - The Work Home Switch

In this second in our Working Parent mini-series we explore how to navigate the move from colleague to parent. Because…  you can love your job and love your kid and still feel like you’re failing both by lunchtime! 

We get honest about the working parent reality behind the scenes: the mental load, the guilt that points in every direction, and that split-second “work home switch” when daycare calls right before a board meeting.

We lean on Debs’ years as a parent coach to map the patterns she hears again and again when people prepare to return to work after maternity leave or parental leave. We talk about visibility and the fear of judgment, the pressure to “prove” you’re still committed, and why supportive line managers and colleagues can make the transition feel possible rather than punishing. Along the way, we share listener voice notes about walking back into meetings, worrying about “mum brain,” and then realising your sharpness never left.

One of our favourite reframes is the skill stack: parenting does not erase your professional skills, it adds new ones. We also explore the emotional shifts that come with becoming a working parent, from deeper purpose and perspective to heightened anxiety, exhaustion, and that constant tension of wanting to be fully present at work and at home.

We close with a question we want you to sit with: what’s one expectation you could let go of that adds pressure rather than helps you? 

Transcript

Why Working Parents Feel Stretched

SPEAKER_03 0:04

Debs.

SPEAKER_02 0:05

Law, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_03 0:06

I'm doing really well, thank you. And how is life with you?

SPEAKER_02 0:10

Oh, you could say it's pretty busy and lots of stuff going on outside of work at the moment, which is very testing. And it's bringing all my resolve in to look after myself and remember that I may no longer be a parent, but I'm certainly am a carer. So how the tables have turned, Aylor.

SPEAKER_03 0:28

Oh, I know, Debs. And this is what we wanted to bring into our current four-part miniseries, looking at working parents, making the balance work, the realities of what it takes behind the scenes, just even to arrive at a meeting at 9 a.m., vaguely prepared and in the right mindset to smash the professional persona. And uh, I'm sure at some point we'll be doing a focus, Debs, on elder care upwards when you're when you're looking at caring the generation above.

SPEAKER_02 0:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:00

Um, because that is very real in current workplaces for sure, you know, and very much uh uh um something that uh team, including yourself, obviously, is kind of uh navigating at the moment. Yeah, the focus of this has been what actually does it take, what is going to enable us to thrive when you are a working parent? So whether you are a brand new parent and you're returning into work, whether you're working with a colleague for someone who um is juggling that kind of childcare bit, and where the first episode we looked at the identity shift, who am I now? So getting your head around the idea of being a working parent.

SPEAKER_02 1:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:39

This second episode is looking at well, what are some psychological and practical things that can help us navigate that shift between colleague and parent at work and at home and back to work again. Yeah. So, Dave, what we just loved about this whole when we were thinking about and planning this mini-series is we don't have to do a Google search to find out lots of data. No. Because your kind of uh passion side hustle for years now has been uh working as a parent coach. And I know many organisations have used you to um help um people that are about to go off on parental leave, get their head around that, and make those steps back in. So I'd love to get your thoughts from the kind of real

Guilt Visibility And Fear Of Judgment

SPEAKER_03 2:20

thousands of listening hours that you've had in this realm. What are some of the main conversation themes that you have seen emerge when people are getting their head round preparing to come back to work having had a child?

SPEAKER_02 2:33

Yeah, and and also don't forget, Law, we are going to be hearing from some of our listeners about their challenges, aren't they? They've answered us some questions. So I and they brick up on this topic completely. So I think you mentioned the juggling identities is a big one, you know, as you said, but I think there's also guilt plays a massive part in you know, in every direction as people are going. Um, it feels like there's pressure at home, at work. So it's how do people navigate that? And I think also there's a lot around being visible in the workspace. So, how do parents returning to work prove they're committed to the work? Um, they get there's a fear of judgment that goes on with some of them as well because they may not be equipped or think that everybody thinks they don't know what they don't know, and it's oh, it's just a mind field, that one. Um, and obviously the life work, emotional collisions that can happen. So if you get that, if your child's in the nursery and you get that call that says they've thrown up, we need you to come and get them. Um, wow, how do you navigate that if you're about to work in walk into a board meeting? Um, and I think also the divided attention is a big one that comes on because how do you give everybody, as people often say to me, that your time? And the one person I think you forget about is you as the parent. You know, what about your time? Um, so it's like, oh yeah, but I've got this colleague, that colleague work, all of that. Um, and then obviously the it does impact on the household, the couple dynamic as well, and what's going on in the house. Um, so there's loads of things that people will have going on in their heads sometimes that they will download as they're going back in, you know, from that colleague to parent, but back to parent to colleague. So yeah, it's fascinating.

SPEAKER_03 4:22

And I think um, as you said, we're gonna be uh interspersing it with snippets from real life voices from a wide variety of experiences and demographics and geographies. So to get a yeah, you know, because having babies is a worldwide thing, and not everyone might directly be involved in the process of um having children, but um, as a society, it's it's it's you know

Fewer Babies Later Parents New Pressures

SPEAKER_03 4:45

part part of what creates a society. And interestingly, Debs, let me read out to you a recent stat that I picked up. So I just picked up on my uh internet home page news, but you know, they have to kind of fact-check, I get. But um, London's total fertility rate is sitting at the lowest that it has really for a long, long time. And it's fallen by about 20% compared to a decade ago. So the demographic shift is um is is really um is really seeing in terms of we're having less babies and also the age of the mother is increasing as well. So the highest birth rate for the highest birth rate for women is in that range of um being age 40 to 44. So we've definitely seen a um a shift in how many babies people are having, who's having them, and the very real challenge of how do you navigate an ever-evolving world of work when you've then got other life stuff that's then happening. And yeah, as you were talking about problem solving and kind of well, decision making, you've got a screaming baby who you've got to suddenly change quickly, but you've also got to send that email and the next five minutes hit a deadline. Yeah, what comes first?

SPEAKER_02 6:00

Yeah, exactly. I know what does come first, and I think that's why parents do feel a little bit of a pressure to prove themselves in the workplace. Um, because it's if I suppose it's like that um the as we said earlier, the visibility and commitment. It's a bit of an um an unspoken workplace narrative that it does come up where you know you you you've got a child now, so you may not give as much as you did beforehand. Parents, yeah, whether you know a parent, you're still very capable, you are still super driven, you're probably more reliable than you have ever been, because now you're responsible for a little one that you've also got who's relying on you, and you're actually still promotable because you've got the skills just because you've had a baby, uh whether you've adopted a baby, a new baby, whatever, you've still got it's still you, you still have great skills that are really being able to promote you if that's what you want. You are able to do both. It's just some the framework changes, the routine changes, but it doesn't mean you're not a good employee or a colleague or something like that.

SPEAKER_03 7:07

So, Debs, how I would summarise

The Skill Stack You Gain As Parent

SPEAKER_03 7:10

what you've just said, which I loved the bit about how you still got all of those skills, is the skills stack up. You're adding to your skill stack. Absolutely. You're not depleting one to favour then the other. It's it's it's adding on to it. It's a bit like I never went on to have a second child, but no, nor me. No, what was it not? I know, but it's when well, I inherited a stepchild which was gorgeous, gorgeous, like you did have to go through the pain. No, I I got him when he was five, so it's brilliant. Brilliant, I've just got the cutest yeah. Um, but the um, you know, when you hear people that have gone on to have a second or a third child just saying, you just get more love. Yeah. You don't only love the first one and then you run out of love for the second and the subsequent ones, you get more love. And I think the same is with skills, you get more skills, you don't suddenly lose the ability to type because you've learned how to change an appe. It's tiring because your brain is having to learn so much. And then, you know, so it's the skill stack. So let's hear from a couple of different voices sharing their experiences, particularly when you're navigating that shift between work and home.

Listener Stories On Returning To Work

SPEAKER_04 8:16

Okay. Returning to work feels like you are taking a big step into a new world. It feels like you've been in a bit of a fog, you know, dealing with baby talk and crawling. And so I remember um the first meeting I had to go to. I was so nervous, and I kept saying in the meeting, like, hey guys, sorry, I still have mom brain. I may not be as sharp. And I almost set it to to kind of be a cover in case I didn't feel like you know my answers were good enough. And I remember kind of killing it in the meeting, and they all looked at me and said, Are you sure you still have mom brain? And I kind of laughed and realized, you know, it's all there, it's all still there. That part of me didn't go away, and it's it's like once you step back in, it you shake off the cobwebs, and and yeah, you're there and you're sharper and and sometimes even better than you were before because you've had to manage just such a huge amount of information and stress and you know, just responsibility, and you know, you have more, I guess, bandwidth than you think.

SPEAKER_01 9:17

Returning to work felt exciting and a return to my quote-unquote old life, but also it was nerve-wracking having been away for over a year. I wasn't quite sure how I was going to balance the nursery pickups, the commutes, and my workload, and how I'd be welcomed back into the team. But I found that with the right support from my line manager and my colleagues, was really key to easing me through the transition.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Dev, what always sticks out when we um, you know, when you have that chance to be able to listen in and people share their stuff. We're so grateful to all those people that that shared their voice notes. It's just everyone's everyone's story is different, but there are some kind of common things. And what I'd love to hear from you from your perspective,

Emotional Shifts Purpose Anxiety Exhaustion

SPEAKER_03 10:05

from your parent coach aspect, is what are some of the emotional changes that happens when someone becomes a working parent? And can I just share an example, share something with you? Go on then. So I remember going to this emotional intelligence conference that was God, probably about 15 years ago. Okay, and I th no no no, it must have been about 13 and a half years ago because I had just found out I was pregnant, right? And so I was very interested in pregnancy and you know, spotting all the other people in the room that are, and you know, not eating the pate and all that kind of stuff. Um pate for breakfast, no, um, and um, and I was at this emotional intelligence uh conference, and I asked the panel, what research is there that shows the impact becoming a parent has on your levels of emotional intelligence, emotional interest. Um, and all the men on the panel all kind of just sort of sat there and went, um no, there isn't any research. No, no, we haven't sort of looked into it. And I remember thinking, wow, that's mad because already I feel different about life and communicate with people, even though at that point I was just newly pregnant. But Debs, I'd I'd love to know from your perspective, even though there might not be any hard research that's out there. Yeah. What have you seen as some of the typical emotional changes people go through it through the process of being a working parent?

SPEAKER_02 11:31

Yeah, I mean, and there's there is a lot, that's a great example that you've used there. Um, and I think that says a lot as people not thinking from the position of the mother figure in that, um, and that hierarchical, that old school, whatever you want to call it, um, you know, hunter-gatherer, whatever, it's still ingrained in there somewhere. But emotionally, I think as you quite you alluded to a lot earlier with the skill set, um, our emotions become more layered because we are, you know, we're not just managing our work or relationships or responsibilities, where we are carrying that emotional responsibility of another little human being. Um, and as you quite rightly said, you know, that can create a much deeper love going on for somebody, um, a much better, greater perspective on what's going on in the world as well as what's round. Um, I think a lot of parents that I speak to, they suddenly have a very different outlook on a purpose. What is their purpose now? Because it does shift. And talking to them about that, it's just fascinating to understand. Um, but I think also there can be, on the flip side of that, there can be heightened anxiety that goes on with people. There can be that um emotional overwhelm, guilt that comes into it a lot, as we said, um, exhaustion, which we've mentioned. But actually, what happens is I think most people come become more aware of the fact that um time, what does that look like for them? Energy, have they got it, have they not got it, where their priorities lie. So, as you said, you know, if I have to go and speak, pick my child up, I'm gonna go and pick my car child up. Um, and also I think that links into therefore what truly matters to them now. Um, and it can be a real tension um between wanting to be fully present at work, but also wanting to be fully present at home. And I think, you know, working parents, you know, often means that you're holding on to the love, the pressure, the gratitude, and exhaustion all at the same time, which is a lot.

SPEAKER_03 13:37

Yeah. I mean, I just going through my mind when you were when you were sharing um your brilliant points just there, Debs is I know of three women at the moment in various clients who are sort of secretly pregnant in those kind of early days. Wow. And actually to be able to just have that, you know, when I remember exactly what I was like, you're kind of rabbit in the headlights, going, right, this kind of unplanned or amazing or whatever it is, like big news, and you're kind of carrying this secret, and then you know, it's sort of like, what does this mean kind of now? And I think it's so reassuring, Deb, when you chat with someone, I remember how absolutely reassuring it was chatting with you, chatting with our team, yeah. Around okay, you're the other side of it, and you look all right. Like, any tips? Yeah, you know, and just to just to hear real people's stories of, yeah, it's tough, but wow, you wouldn't have it, you know. You wouldn't have it any other way. No, yeah, it adds so much to your life. And of course, not every story is gonna be straightforward, easy. There's gonna be setbacks and challenges, and that's what just makes it such a heady time of your life because it's it's it's full of highs and lows, and everyone's heard stories, and yeah, you know, and uh and in fact, only the other day we had a friend of our colleague of ours, didn't we, saying how um everyone all all all the people that had already been to the hospital and had their kids just keep quiet.

SPEAKER_02 14:58

Yeah, before everyone is through. Yeah, exactly. Just don't share that story, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:05

No, just just no, just just enjoy the baby shower and then we'll just chat after.

SPEAKER_02 15:09

Yeah, exactly. Once you've had the baby, then let's talk.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, I know on our uh next one we're gonna be focusing particularly on their process of actually kind of returning to work.

SPEAKER_02 15:22

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 15:22

Um, what I'd love to hear your thoughts, because you know, who knows who it might reassure, is I remember when I was off on my um maternity leave, and uh, you know, I imagine it only happens, you know, once in that that first maternity leave, if either that's your only child you have, or from that point on you're gonna have other people to want to care for when you want to on parental leave, is the weird sensation of being able to not do anything. Like, actually, there's there's there's nothing to do because you've you've you've ended your sort of work bit, you're off on mat leave but on parental leave. Everyone is very respectful of that. Um, and you sort of go off into the wilderness, you're quite going off into the forest to give birth, you know, yeah, exactly. So, what are some things that you have seen have helped people gear up for the um getting into that, getting ready to shift and leave?

SPEAKER_02 16:11

Yeah, we could definitely talk about that on our next one because there's so much we could cover on that. Um, because I think we need to think about, you know, it's not whether parents can do it all, um, it's whether people feel supported enough to believe that they they they stop believing they have to keep doing too much. Um and I think that's what's really we don't need fixing as people, we just need to create the environment where people feel like um they're not having to, you know, have

Letting Go Of Pressure And Proving

SPEAKER_02 16:40

to prove their worth constantly. And I think it's that you are the same person, but you are different because of the experience you're going through. And I suppose my call to action for this series would be, or this pod, would be what I suppose what's one expectation that you could let go of um that's adding pressure rather than helping you? Because we all have them.

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Oh, I love that, Debs. And actually, just kind of to put in a little addition there around um what assumptions that potentially are out there exist about someone's level of ambition potentially dropping after they've had this kind of new acquisition in their kind of uh in their family circle. And I think that's a really interesting call to action depth because what am I holding on to that actually isn't serving me?

SPEAKER_02 17:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:31

So I can then free up still that energy and that ambition that's in your professional persona. Yeah. And um, I think it'd be really interesting to hear from a couple of a couple of voices around that ambition bit, and then we can then do a share the secret.

SPEAKER_04 17:46

The biggest assumption I had was that my ambitions before children would be the same after children, and they changed and it shocked me. And they changed in a lot of ways, and some things were you know, I wanted bigger and more, and I was kind of like, hey, I played it too safe, and I should take up space, and I'm this, you know, amazing being that just carried children and you know, sustained them all these months, and so I'm I'm more capable than I think. And then some things I realized they were ambitions for ego uh prior to having my children, and once I had my kids, it kind of healed something in me in that area of kind of needing play to that ego and play to that area of my life where there might have been insecurity and thinking, oh, you know, I want to be seen, I want to be um, you know, special, quote unquote. And after I had children, I just thought, God, I'm phenomenal, and they're phenomenal, and this is such an amazing, cool experience. And so I did it, I definitely became more ambitious, but just in different areas. I was um more ambitious to kind of be the more truer version of myself and to live loudly and unapologetic and to do the things that I really wanted to do instead of doing what I thought society wanted me to do.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

I think there is an assumption that when you come back, um, that everyone's going to want to do part-time and that you are going to uh be less reliable, um, maybe less available. There certainly is um a need to be more flexible with regards to somebody having um children, um, because uh particularly if you are a single parent, there may be times when you simply um have to prioritize your child over your work. Um, but I think assuming that actually a woman or a or even a man now come back um and not be able to slot back into what they were doing um previously is really outdated. Um, in fact, I think um sometimes you're even better at what you were doing because you bring new skills, new experience, um, and also um a kind of uh contentment, maybe, um, happiness around um now being a parent. That is not to say it isn't hard at times, particularly when they're ill two or three times a month, uh, that could be particularly stressful.

SPEAKER_03 20:22

So, Debs, picking up on your brilliant call to action, and we've just heard some other perspectives around navigating that shift between work and home

Ambition Assumptions And Flexible Reality

SPEAKER_03 20:30

and back to um back to work again and navigating the juggle between that. I think my share of the secret would be if you know someone who is in the early stages of um pregnancy and you know, or their partner or or someone for whom this is a life topic, get them to listen to this because in the old days, Debs, we would have had a village around us absolutely chat and exchange and give all those words of comfort and reassurance. If you're the only one getting on a tube carriage that morning, getting on a bus, driving on the motorway, commuting, or logging on to a call, and it's only you and your partner that knows the news, it can feel quite lonely and isolating.

SPEAKER_02 21:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 21:10

And if you're not in an environment where there are lots of people to kind of share thoughts and sort of reassurances with, that's exactly why we wanted to create this four-part focus on what is the reality behind the scenes in terms of working parents and making the balance work. So get a mate to listen to this and then they know they're not alone. And at some point, they'll be able to, I don't know, appear as a voice note sharing some wisdom on a podcast in the future. Who knows, Law? Hey, there's always a story to tell. Always a story to tell. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

And I look forward to talking next, you know, on our next one about that returning, you know, parents coming back into the workplace, you know, what people need to consider maybe and think about. Um, so it's an easy ride back in rather than a troublesome one. So looking forward to that.

SPEAKER_03 21:57

Yeah, love that, devs. Oh, do you know? Still, I'm so grateful for you giving me that phrase effortless presence, which was your um sentence at the start of uh your intention for the start of this year. Was it last year or last year?

SPEAKER_02 22:09

No, it was last year. And I'm still holding on to it. Me too, Deb. Yeah, it's still there. I'm still that's my mantra.

SPEAKER_03 22:16

Yeah, yeah, it is. Um, so where I used to have um stop dicking about and uh crack on uh written as my hashtags on my on my just whipping myself on my um weekly calendar. I I I a couple of times have gone effortless presence just as a karma kind of way, exactly, yes.

SPEAKER_02 22:35

Because you're uh you know, you also don't forget, even though we work for ourselves, you know, you're a colleague, you're a parent, and you're a colleague, and you go to work and you still do stuff and you be at home, so we're all experiencing it in some way or another.

SPEAKER_03 22:48

So yeah, effortless presence, effortless presence, and always bring baby wipes with you.

SPEAKER_02 22:54

Absolutely. I still have them in my bag, actually, just in case.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah, don't need the box of raisins anymore. But maybe wipes. I love that.

SPEAKER_02 23:05

Oh, I look forward to next week, though.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

I can't wait, Dave. I'll have a fab week.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

And

Share The Secret And How To Connect

SPEAKER_02 23:10

love you. Bye.

SPEAKER_03 23:14

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