293. Rebuilding Professional Confidence After Kids

In this final episode of our 4-part mini-series well about Working Parents we focus on the big topic of confidence. Confidence doesn’t usually disappear overnight, but parenthood can make it feel that way. One day you’re the organised, high-performing version of yourself who can handle anything, and the next you’re running on broken sleep, new responsibilities, and a brain that feels permanently full. We get into why that wobble is so common for working parents and why it’s not a sign you’ve ‘lost’ your skills.

We explore practical self-confidence tools you can use immediately: building a “look how far I’ve come” list, tracking small wins when nobody is there to praise you, redefining what success looks like right now, and dropping the “baby brain” label in favour of a kinder reframe. We close with three powerful reflection questions to rebuild self-belief in any life transition, not just parenting.

If you know a colleague or friend who’s having a confidence setback, share this with them, then subscribe, leave a rating or review, and tell us which reflection question you’re trying this week.

Transcript

Shakira Hips And Getting Older

SPEAKER_04 0:02

Debs. Law, you alright? Yeah, I'm alright. How are you doing? How's your hips? How's my hips? Well, they're not like Shakira's, let's put it that way. Yeah, they're getting there softly. I mean, the things that happen when you don't think and bend up to pick a toilet roll up, right? Who would have known that I wouldn't have been able to have stood up?

SPEAKER_02 0:25

I reckon it's all those years of balancing a baby and a toddler on your hips, that's what it is.

SPEAKER_04 0:31

Yeah, I think you're right, actually, Laura. And then it's like, what the hell? It's a sure sign you're getting old, isn't it?

SPEAKER_02 0:36

When you stoke, it certainly is. It certainly is. And this goes out to anyone who's thinking, God, I'm starting to feel the years of my experience

Working Parents Series Recap

SPEAKER_02 0:45

now. And welcome to our fourth in our four-part focus, looking at working parents. How do you make the balance work? And even 30 odd years on devs, there's still the price to pay from standing there with a toddler on your hip as you're kind of trying to juggle, doing some work whilst locating a toddler. And we've had some incredible bits of feedback and voice notes, haven't we, from some of our um yeah, wonderful people about what goes on behind the scenes to make that balance work. What have been some standout moments so far from this series, Debs, for you?

SPEAKER_04 1:20

Oh, I think there's um, I mean, there's been some common themes, and one of them we're obviously going to talk about today. Um, but I think also that everybody is an individual. I think that's what stood out. And don't assume that everybody needs the same as everybody else. So having a conversation, finding out what that individual might need from you as their manager, team leader, just colleague, I think that's the message that's come out. So, and yeah, ask what they want. Don't assume that they want this or that. Um, and then the loan, a bit around the silence when people go back into um the baby is here and the family disappear and the friends, and it becomes a oh, okay, what about me now? And it's really, yeah, it's like that transition period before you think I'm now on my own, what do I do? So it's been really cool. And people, I mean, you know, as we know, we've heard from girlies and boys, um, mums and dads, and it's just been fascinating to hear, you know, the similarities to some extent as well. And even, you know, a dad's confidence can go as a result of having a newborn, or even the second or third, as one of our guests has had got three children. Um, so it was really fascinating. It's been really good.

SPEAKER_02 2:32

Yeah. And of course, what connects us both so deeply with this is this is one of your passion areas of your work is that parent coaching and being able to support so many people over the years who work in organisations that, you know, are wanting to support people on the departure and the return from um having uh you know having a child.

SPEAKER_04 2:52

Yeah, definitely. So I think it's so important, and it's sometimes a topic that gets overlooked. Um, and I think you've got so much talent in, you know, those that are becoming parents that we sometimes underestimate that just because they might be away for a year or six months or however long you know each of them decide to take, that talent doesn't disappear, it's there, it just gets enhanced. And and I think that you know, they are an untapped group of individuals that are so clever, smart, you know, have a different outlook because they're having to be responsible for a little person. And I just think, yeah, we sometimes underestimate what they bring to the party.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Which is why we thought the cherry on the cake would be the uh or icing on the cake would be, or the pepper pig figurine on the cake. Yeah, or the collin the caterpillar, whatever it is that you've pretended to make yourself and then you know, kind of uh put stuck candles in, um, is to end our four-part focus from a couple of different perspectives.

Why Confidence Takes A Hit

SPEAKER_02 3:54

And this one is all about confidence and self-belief. So if there is uh like for example, I was speaking with someone only today who had a bit of a uh an emotional moment really when they realized that the um the impact that having kids had had on them and the toll it had taken in order to make all that happen, all the other bits and bobs that go on, and that sudden realization of actually I feel like it's now my time in my career to step up, step out, put myself first. So that kind of working parent is not just for the newborn um age, it also I think there are some real powerful moments when people go, actually, I'm out of that child rearing phase now. What's left for me? I've got years in the tank of work. What does that leave for me? Because either I have to or I want to work, what does that mean for me? So that confidence and self-belief is uh is uh you know, I know it's a universal thing. So, Debs, from your perspective, how what is it about becoming a parent that means that confidence can often feel quite different to someone?

SPEAKER_04 4:56

Yeah, um and I think it is a really interesting one because what we find out is that um we start to compare ourselves maybe with other people, um, and also our previous version of ourselves, um, because we sometimes think, you know, I was that person that had more sleep and had lots more flexibility and capacity and time. Um, and I used to be better at this than I was, you know. So it sort of knocks us. Um, and I just think we have to reframe that to say, okay, that has you're still the same person. Okay, you might have shifted slightly, but we have to look at what does that mean when we sort of start to dip in confidence because we're looking at capacity versus our capability. As we said, our capability is still good, it's only enhanced. We have that identity shift, which we have been talking about, and then that transition moment, and then how do we adapt, as you were saying? Um, and I think the question I always ask people is, you know, uh, how do I get back to who I was? Is the one I get asked sometimes. Um, and I reframe that for them and said, Yeah, how do I become confident in who I am now? Because that's the bit, you know, because if you think about the person, the version of you, what were you proud of before babies came along or children, whether you've adopted them, uh, whether you're foster caring for people, you know, they're your own. There's lots of different ways of raising children. Um, I think there's a little bit about, you know, what are you good at? What would you have been proud about before that? Because that's still within you. And that's the thing. People as a parent say, yeah, but before I was a parent, this is how I was. And you just go, stop the comparison to how you were, this is how you are now.

Stop Comparing To Highlight Reels

SPEAKER_04 6:44

So, um, and you can see there's so much opportunity now to compare ourselves with others. Um, social media, everybody looks like they're having a bad time and they're raising their babies really well, or their two young children, depending. Um, but what we we have to watch is we're not falling in that trap of comparing ourselves to somebody else's highlight reel, or you know, on a tired day to somebody else's best day because it's not a true reflection. Um, and therefore that can knock our confidence in, you know, well, I'm not doing a good job, or I'm rubbish at this, I used to be, all of that negative talk, because it can impact on you know, my child is the milestones is a big one, actually. My child isn't progressing the same as this child. And so even then, we're comparing against other mothers and fathers in the group, um, different parenting styles. You know, well, I don't do that. I don't follow a, you know, let them cry for 10 minutes and then go and put them down, then go back. You know, there are so many things that people get confused about. Um, and therefore, we sort of say come from a place of curiosity as well. So, why, you know, why am I not like them? Well, you're not, because you're you. Um, and therefore curiously, well, what is it that I actually admire about what that person's doing? And is there something that I could maybe adopt or adapt so that I can give it a go rather than beat myself up because I feel like I'm rubbish? But then we don't know the whole story. Absolutely. And I think that's that's the other thing. We have no idea of their whole story. We only see little snippets, whether it's uh going along to a group or going in for a kick day, even, and you might be mixing with the other you know, mums who've already been in work. I think also you think, oh my god, they look so confident now. I don't know if I can, and therefore that overthinking starts to happen. Um, and that doesn't help at all. It's like, you know, thinking about what when have I, maybe as a listener to this, is when have I fallen into that trap of you know saying I'm rubbish or I'm no good at this or I was better at that before. It you know, get all get out of that because you are still amazing, and part of the work we do is rebuilding that self-belief within them.

SPEAKER_02 9:01

Do you know what you've made me remember? So, a dear, dear friend of mine, she'd been a lifelong nanny. So she'd always been in the industry of childcare. Um, and she'd worked as a night nanny, a sleep consultant, and then she went on to have her own baby. And I remember her coming back and saying to me, actually, it was a really interesting midwife meeting I've just had, because now I know you run a risk of postnatal depression. There is a higher risk of postnatal depression for people that consider themselves qualified and expert in childcare because the standards and expectations you set yourself. And I know postnatal depression is a big and complex topic, but that that that really did make me think about in our professional persona, I imagine it must be a challenge. If you're a project manager and you're finding it a struggle to organise, getting out the door to even make it to a certain place at 8.15 in the morning, like that's going to hit hard no matter what kind of background but you've got. But if part of your professional status and sense of achievement is based on organising people, it kind of hurts double the amount when you're finding yourself that you're there in an environment where you're not um being able to adhere to your previous professional standards. But you can't be professional about your personal life, Debs. No, as you reminded me when I was going through various scrapes, however many years ago, you cannot be professional about your personal life because that is why you've got these two different personas.

SPEAKER_04 10:31

Yeah, absolutely. And and I think that's why it's really important that self-belief, remembering what you know, who you are, what you're capable of. And one of the things we I sometimes get the parents to do is to create their own look how far I've come list, because you know, what have I handled this this year that maybe would have overwhelmed me previously? So it's always looking at what have I done, what have I overcome, what have I achieved. So it's never forgetting those little moments where you did deal with something really, really well. So that look how far I've come list can really help people build their confidence again and it showcases that and proof and evidence that yeah, I can actually. Um, and celebrating those little tiny wins that you have. That again, we'd say, you know, if we did a gale, but our original mantra around if I did a gale every day, which is what am I grateful for, what I've achieved, accomplished, what have I improved upon, what am I learning, learned? Something like that can also really just check in with yourself to go, no, actually, I yeah, even though my child threw up in me, I still managed to get out of the door clean looking. That's I'm really grateful for that, or the washing machine because it's on all the time. But it's um what you asking yourself those questions, you know, what went well, what did I, how did I handle that? Um, and what am I really proud of in that moment? Because we are not all the same. Um, and this is why the self-belief has to come back, um, because it's about you. So, what is it that helps you feel like you more so that you can actually um keep the balance carry all the roles that you do carry? And it's okay because I'm really good at that and I have done it, but that's the one that disappears. I think the confidence that reminding yourself of just what you have achieved sometimes just goes out the window. Um, and then I think the other thing we always ask parents to do is say, So, what does success look like for you right now? Because they might have had horrendous, or you know, as you said, they've gone back into work, they're in their first week, and suddenly they get a call from the nanny or the nursery or wherever, or their mom, mum-in-laws, whatever it might be. Um, and then it's like, oh, okay, panic, you know, therefore I can't be. And then the confidence drops because maybe I and then we question, maybe I didn't set them up well, maybe I didn't tell them about this, maybe I did that. What if I forgot that? What oh, and it just creates absolute chaos in our heads. Um, and I think as you said, we don't have to prove ourselves, as you know, like you mentioned, we you know, we don't have to prove ourselves um to anyone else, we just have to start trusting ourselves that instinctively we do know what's right. Um, and I think we mentioned this on one of our pods where there's there's so many books out there that you can leave about parenting. Um, but you know, um, and if it's not working to cry, leave them, let them cry until they sleep, and that's not working for you, then that's not working for you. So you know, I think that's what it is. It's you know, asking yourself, you know, what is the thing that's helped me build, rebuild my confidence as a parent. Um, and I think we had a few clips on that actually, from memory of a couple of people that um recognize that their children might be older now, but they're seeing how they're turning out. Um, and that must be you know, that's such an amazing thing to see how they've turned out um because of the what you'd put in. Um, but at the time I think we forget that.

SPEAKER_02 14:06

You do. You're playing the long game here, you're playing the long game, and sometimes there's a card I gave my mum, which is only until you go on and have your own daughter, you realise what a challenge you were as her daughter, you know, way back then, you know, and it's not until you kind of think, oh god, this is what it actually sort of took. Do you have any recognition? Like when people become managers and then they turn around and go, Oh my goodness, now I understand why managers found it a chance to communicate, because there's so many things that managers have to do. Um, so let's hear from some of those clips devs, because I think it's always so inspiring to hear voices from a range of experience and backgrounds talking about what it means from a confidence and self-belief perspective.

Listener Stories On Identity And Skills

SPEAKER_01 14:47

One part of myself that I lost for a while was confidence. I definitely felt overwhelmed as a mom and having to learn all these new skills. And don't even get me started on the sleep deprivation. It is so for real. And postpartum and just all the things your body changing, your mind, your feelings, your hormones, um, your priorities. And I know that in the beginning I felt unstable in the sense of I didn't know what I was doing with this little baby and worried about so many things. And that level of uncertainty in learning something new kind of translated into my overall confidence of myself. And so that was something that I lost for a while and had to kind of rebuild because when you feel like you don't know what you're doing in one part of your life, it's hard to remember that you know what you're doing in other parts. And so that was something I had to learn.

SPEAKER_00 15:46

So, one part of myself which I lost for a while was definitely my identity. I felt like prior to becoming a mother, I was so focused on my career and I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted to achieve. As soon as the world of motherhood arrived, I completely lost that. And I think it was also due to the fact that I was sleep deprived. Um, I definitely found it difficult to balance motherhood as well as my professional career. Um, and there was always that guilt, that mum guilt, which crept up. Whether or not that was being away from um my children, or whether or not I felt like I wasn't giving myself fully into my work. It was always a difficult balancing act, and for me, that sense of identity was really taken away, or it was shaken up in ways I didn't expect. Um, but now I'm here and I feel like I've I've more grounded, I've definitely um found that identity again. Do you feel like you've gained it or I think it's made me more complete. It's definitely um motherhood's definitely completed me, but it just took a while to arrive there, and I think that's something that no one ever prepares you for.

SPEAKER_03 17:11

Um one part that I lost for a while was my confidence in my own ability. After I took a few years out of the working world altogether to raise two small children. When I returned to the working world, it was hard to remember that I hadn't lost all of the skills, knowledge, and experience that I had gained before. And in fact, I'd only enhanced some of those skills having been at home with two small children all day. So I felt like I had lost confidence and faith in what I could bring to the table.

SPEAKER_02 17:52

I mean, Dave, it's just so reassuring, I think, isn't it? When you're kind of going through one of these life-changing things. And what I was going to say to you when you mentioned that great tip about um look how far I've come list. I mean, that's useful for handling any big life-changing event to get yourself back into whatever the new game is, not just for working parents, you know, and that's just one of life's big moments, but there'll be many others that people are navigating. And I love that idea of look how far I've come list as a way to um bolster yourself and remind yourself of what you have done.

SPEAKER_04 18:29

Yeah, definitely. Because, and that's why I think it sort of also links in because that brings confidence into the world of work. So that's why when we think about getting feedback, um, you know, it's not just the you know, developmental feedback, but it's also the motivational feedback. It's like, oh my god, that was an amazing job you did there. We all need to hear that because that then fuels our self-belief even more, gives us confidence to do even more. Um, and I think that sometimes when parents um come out of the space of work where they might have had that, suddenly they haven't. Um, and they feel the weight is on their shoulders. So if if they're not hearing, oh my god, you're doing an amazing job, how are you still standing after you know not having any hours' sleep? But you're amazing. When do they hear that? And I think that's the one that when we're working with the parents, we check in with them and they do their own, you know, skills audit and they do their smile files um as a reminder that they have done it. And yeah, because nobody sort of is there to watch it either. That's the other thing.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

You might be the only witness who knew what uh what challenges you uh uh conquered at 2 a.m. in the morning. You know, you might be the only person that knows that you handled this and this and that, and because you're uh you know your young child, well, they're never gonna see it, and they're certainly never gonna thank you for it.

SPEAKER_04 19:52

They're not gonna suddenly turn around. That's a you did a great job, mum or dad. You're amazing then. You know, keep keep doing that for me. You're never gonna say that.

SPEAKER_02 20:01

So no, so you've got to look in the mirror and go, you're doing a good job, you're doing

Baby Brain Or A Full Up Brain

SPEAKER_02 20:05

a good job. Um, Deb, someone brought into um, it was only today actually when we took I was running a confidence session, and it wasn't about working parents, but um, it was kind of linked to the scenario I gave of someone who could just recognise actually, I want to level up my career now because that part of my my my my um that's sort of not so much on my radar anymore, that child rearing. And one of the things this person was saying is they they were continuously referencing, but other people in my team are really articulate and good at talking about all this corporate stuff. I'm just not as good as communicating as as they are, and then you could see sort of other delegates who work alongside this person going, What? You're great. So, what what's your take when someone seems to almost use other people's successes as evidence that you're failing?

SPEAKER_04 20:53

Yeah, exactly. And that's the comparison piece, and because they haven't maybe been around that for a while, and they might have been you know immersed in, I don't know, some of the you know, the baby books or the reading books or the um whatever I can't remember what half of them were. The caterpillar one was Carl's favourite, I think. Um I can't remember what the title was, it's so long ago. But you used to read that to him, and you think, well, okay, and then all of a sudden you've got to read a um a paper, uh, you know, something at work. And so therefore it's like I'm I'm questioning myself because people I have to see people say I've got baby brain. I go, No, you haven't. It's just a full-up brain. So let's unpack it and see what you are doing and being planning because you were good at planning and you know, using the skills that they've got. But yeah, we sometimes fall into that trap of going, I'm not good enough. Um, but actually, that is such a myth because you're just bloody fantastic.

SPEAKER_02 21:49

Debs, right. You've just you've just taken me a trip round memory lane. I've forgotten about this. I think maybe I'd sort of conveniently for uh uh forgotten it. I remember I was wow, I was. Walking around the outside of a building with stakeholders, right? Key clients from one building to another, and I just found myself going, Oh, it's a big green tractor. Because I love that though. You would point that out to your three-year-old. Look at a big green tractor. And obviously, though, everyone around me was like in their mid-40s going, right? I went, Oh, I'm so sorry. I said I've just forgot where I was then.

SPEAKER_04 22:25

But I think you know, I think that's a gift though, because you do become more observational about what is around you. And I think you're more in the now when you have got children and babies because you are giving them lessons, you're let you're teaching them in effect. Um, and I think that observational skills, because you're always looking to give them uh attention or raise their awareness to something or help them, um, that gets lost. So I love the fact that you pointed out to a group of you know older people, there's a big reach out. Yes, but but that's what comes, we forget that we were we get excited by that. Yeah, I mean I think parents bring in your observational skills because you're super good at it, and just because you're suddenly in a suit or back at work or at a desk, bring it in because it creates conversation, connection, familiarity. People feel like you you do notice and care. Um, yeah. So I think, yeah, keep calling it out.

SPEAKER_02 23:25

Yeah, nice link. And the amount of people that come on sessions now saying they want it to be a fun day, you know. So it's yeah, I I think that's uh yeah, I think that's brilliant. A fun day without the need to cook fish fingers at the end of the day, please. That would be nice.

Three Reflection Questions To Reset

SPEAKER_02 23:38

Um, so let's start to wrap up because it's been the most wonderful um uh mini-series looking at working parents, how do you make the uh the balance work? It's always been a hot topic, but even more so as we navigate this post-pandemic environment of hybrid working, and we have this promise of technology enabling us to have everything whenever we want it. But there are some realities that behind the scenes it takes a lot of effort and care and attention, and not just from the immediate caregivers, but from that support network around. Debs, what would be something that you would say as a call to action for anyone listening for whom confidence and self-belief, not just from a working parent perspective, but if there's been any life-changing event and you're wanting to shift on to the next phase and evolve, what would be your call to action?

SPEAKER_04 24:25

Oh, well, I've got three, because I know you like the power of three, Laura. Yes.

SPEAKER_02 24:29

Um, daddy pig, pepper pig. No, no, sorry, yes.

SPEAKER_04 24:36

Three bowls of porridge, that's why they do it. Three little pigs, but you know, it's the power of three. So I would say my reflection questions if you're listening to this, would be these three really simple reflections that, as you said, you can apply at any point. Um, so the first one is this. So, what am I doing better than I give myself credit for? That would be my first reflection question. And then the second one would be what would someone who loves me say about me? And the third one was what would I tell a friend feeling the way I feel today? Because absolutely the chances you'd offer them, you know, far more from a position of compassion because you're that last question is you're asking them, so you're being very compassionate and kind to them. But what about asking yourself some of these questions as well and be you know self-compassionate? Show yourself some love and kindness, really.

SPEAKER_02 25:27

Oh, Debs, I love that. And what I love about the stuff that we cover on um uh podcast is you know, these are all skills to help us thrive and maximise our potential in the ever-evolving world of work. And you know, not life isn't static. There'll be different life phases that we find ourselves in, even if not directly around us with colleagues, and this enables us to be able to navigate that together. And those three questions, you know, I'm thinking that's really handy to be able to talk maybe to a struggling teenager. Yeah, you know, these are these are the coaching questions that that can happen, you know, that are helpful in in all kinds of realms. So I think my share the secret would be if you've got a mate or a colleague with whom um has expressed the fact that they are having a bit of a confidence setback at the moment, and whether it's linked to parenting or not, you know, any kind of key, key life change, get them to listen to this because even knowing, as we've had from some of our clips, that um, you know, this is a topic that that impacts a lot of us, it's it's human to sometimes have some of these wobble moments, but it's how you then progress yourself forward that is the power of being able to either self-coach or coach someone else. So, Debs, of course, what this means is is we are going to be heading towards a new topic.

SPEAKER_04 26:42

Oh, yes, I know. We are. Oh my goodness, I can't believe how quickly that's gone. I know.

SPEAKER_02 26:47

So we're super excited to be working on that, and then all will be revealed when we have our next um uh four-part mini-series looking at our next topic. So can't wait with that. In the meantime, Debs, thank you for all of the amazing wisdom that you've brought us ever. I think those three questions are just really great ones to reflect, you know, when you've had a tough day, whether it links to directly to this topic or not. I think they're really useful.

SPEAKER_04 27:11

Yeah, and oh, it's been a pleasure. We could talk about it for ages, and it's really sort of reminded me how important parents are in role modelling to young that, you know, their offspring, how to be a great human. Um, and I think you know, never underestimate, I think, as parents or carers or whoever might be their people really close to that young person is the impact you have on them. You are their role models, and you know, spend time with them, you be observational with them, you know, make sure that you're having great conversations with them because you know, that's the bit that's going to help them in their life when they get back into work. So it starts with the parents. So yeah, I would say we, you know, it's a privileged position to be in, and I know not everybody is in that pretty privileged position, but you know, we can still impact on those young children, you know, babies, youngsters going through school. We still have a major part to play, whether they're ours or not.

SPEAKER_02 28:14

Absolutely. Takes a community, it takes a village. It does. Um, devs, have a wonderful week. Love you.

SPEAKER_04 28:21

Love you too. And I'll look after me, Shakira Hips. Yes, see you on the other side, my lord. Love you.

How To Stay In Touch

SPEAKER_02 28:33

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