Redefining Success and Happiness

Today I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately: success and happiness.

In this episode, I talk about redefining success and happiness. I share my personal journey of realizing that ticking off traditional milestones like grades, promotions, and accolades doesn't always lead to genuine happiness. Instead, I explore how true fulfillment comes from within and how we can balance external achievements with internal contentment.

I also discuss the immense pressure from our cultural backgrounds, where success is often synonymous with academic and professional excellence. This episode delves into the importance of self-awareness, the value of mental health, and the role of community support systems in our overall well-being.

Whether you’re looking for relatable experiences or seeking inspiration to lead a more balanced and fulfilling life, tune in to Bold Brown British. Let’s navigate this journey together. Subscribe now on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts!

Transcript

Intro Music

Hello, and welcome to another episode of the Bold Brown British podcast, where we dive deep into what it means to be a brown person in modern British society. I'm your host, Quarina, and today I want to talk about something that’s been on my mind lately: success and happiness.

This topic has been particularly poignant for me after a recent event. Picture this: a few weeks ago, I attended a school reunion. You know the type—awkward hugs, overenthusiastic small talk, and the inevitable "So, what are you doing now?" questions. As the evening unfolded, I found myself surrounded by old classmates, all eager to share their latest accomplishments. There were tales of promotions, new homes, and exotic holidays—all the classic hallmarks of ‘success.’

And yet, amidst the chatter, I couldn’t help but notice something was missing. Despite the glittering resumes and glossy anecdotes, there was a distinct undercurrent of unease, a sense that not everyone was as happy as they seemed. As I listened, it struck me: we were all so focused on presenting our successes that no one was talking about whether those successes had actually made us happy.

As I reflect on my journey, I can’t help but think about my younger self. She would be so proud of who I've become and all that I've achieved. Yet, there's a lingering question: What do these achievements really mean if I’m not genuinely happy? What even is happiness? And how do we balance these concepts in our lives?

When we’re young, success is often defined for us by external milestones—grades, promotions, accolades. It’s a tangible checklist that we believe will lead us to happiness. You know, like Pokémon badges, but instead of becoming a Pokémon Master, you’re supposed to become a Life Master. Parents, teachers, and society as a whole often instill in us the notion that achieving these milestones is the ultimate path to fulfillment. It’s like a script handed to us at birth, complete with a stern warning from every Aunty and Uncle at family gatherings: “If you don’t follow this, beta, how will you ever be successful?”

We grow up with the idea that good grades will get us into a good university, which in turn will lead to a good job, and subsequently, a successful and happy life. The classic life recipe: take one cup of straight A’s, mix in a prestigious university degree, bake it with a high-paying job, and voilà—success pie! It’s a linear progression that we come to accept as the blueprint for a happy and successful life. The problem is, no one tells you that sometimes the oven breaks down, or you accidentally swap the sugar with salt.

This path is drilled into our heads from an early age. Remember those family reunions where you’d get interrogated about your report card before you even got a chance to grab a samosa? “A in Maths, good. B in English? Hmmm, how will you become a doctor/lawyer/engineer/unicorn like this?” It’s like being on an academic reality show where every episode is judged by the entire extended family.

But here’s the kicker: as we start ticking off these boxes, we sometimes realize that this version of success doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness. Turns out, acing that algebra exam or landing that job at a prestigious firm doesn’t automatically come with a lifetime supply of joy. Instead, we might find ourselves wondering why the success pie tastes a bit… bland. Maybe it’s time to tweak the recipe and add a pinch of passion, a sprinkle of self-care, and a generous helping of community.

As we grow and begin ticking off these boxes, we sometimes realize that this version of success doesn’t necessarily equate to happiness. After achieving a good grade, getting into a top university, and securing a high-paying job, we might still find ourselves feeling empty or dissatisfied. The thrill of achievement often fades quickly, leaving us to wonder what we are missing. We might begin to question whether the societal definition of success truly aligns with our personal sense of fulfilment.

I remember working tirelessly to reach certain goals, thinking that once I achieved them, I’d be happy. Late nights studying, sacrificing social activities, and pushing myself to the brink of burnout—all with the belief that these sacrifices were temporary and the reward would be worth it. I imagined that crossing the finish line would bring a sense of lasting contentment. But when I finally got there, the satisfaction was fleeting. The diploma was framed, the job offer was accepted, yet the sense of fulfilment I had anticipated did not materialize in the way I had expected.

It made me question what true happiness is. Is it the absence of challenges and struggles? Or is it something deeper and more enduring? Through introspection and conversations with others who had similar experiences, I began to realize that happiness is not a destination, but a journey. It is not simply the absence of difficulties but the presence of meaning and purpose in our lives.

True happiness seems to stem from within and is often unrelated to external achievements. It involves living in accordance with our values, forming meaningful relationships, and engaging in activities that bring us joy and satisfaction. It’s about finding balance and recognizing that while achievements are important, they should not be the sole focus of our lives. Achievements are milestones to celebrate, but they should not define our worth or happiness.

Another important realization was understanding the role of personal growth and self-awareness in happiness. When we base our sense of worth solely on external validation, we often neglect our inner needs and desires. True happiness involves understanding ourselves deeply—our passions, our strengths, and even our limitations. It means aligning our lives with what truly matters to us, rather than chasing societal definitions of success.

Furthermore, happiness often involves a sense of community and connection. Human beings are inherently social creatures, and our relationships play a significant role in our well-being. Investing time and effort into nurturing these relationships can bring a profound sense of joy and fulfilment. The support and love we receive from friends and family can be more valuable than any accolade or promotion.

In addition, the pursuit of happiness often involves contributing to something larger than ourselves. Whether it’s through volunteer work, supporting a cause we care about, or simply helping others in our daily lives, acts of kindness and altruism can significantly enhance our sense of purpose and happiness. When we shift our focus from what we can gain to what we can give, we often find a deeper and more enduring sense of satisfaction.

Ultimately, redefining success and happiness is a personal journey. It requires us to question the narratives we have been told and to explore what truly brings us joy and fulfillment. By understanding that happiness is multifaceted and deeply personal, we can begin to build lives that are not only successful by societal standards but also rich in meaning and contentment.

In our fast-paced, achievement-oriented world, it’s easy to conflate success with happiness. We’re often told that happiness will come once we’ve achieved certain things. But the reality is, happiness is more complex. It’s about finding joy in the present moment, nurturing our relationships, and taking care of our mental and emotional health.

Let’s consider how our cultural background shapes our perception of success. In many brown households, success is often synonymous with academic and professional excellence. Our families have sacrificed so much to provide us with opportunities, and we feel a deep-seated responsibility to make them proud. Parents and elders often narrate stories of their struggles, their sacrifices, and the obstacles they overcame to give us a better life. These narratives are powerful and deeply ingrained in our consciousness, creating a framework where success is measured by tangible achievements like top grades, prestigious university degrees, and lucrative careers.

While these motivations are valid and deeply rooted in our sense of identity and gratitude, they can sometimes lead to immense pressure and stress. The weight of these expectations can be overwhelming, as we strive to honor the sacrifices of our parents and uphold the family’s reputation. This pressure can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, burnout, and a perpetual fear of failure. The relentless pursuit of these high standards can often come at the expense of our mental health and personal well-being.

I’ve spoken to many friends and listeners who share similar experiences. They’ve reached remarkable milestones but still feel an inner void. This dissonance often stems from the external versus internal definitions of success. External success is what others see and praise, while internal success is what makes us feel fulfilled and content. While achieving external success brings momentary satisfaction and social validation, it may not address our deeper emotional and psychological needs.

Balancing the two can be challenging, but it’s essential for our well-being. It requires us to introspect and identify what truly makes us happy, beyond societal expectations. We must learn to appreciate our unique journeys and set personal goals that align with our passions and values. By doing so, we can redefine success in a way that honors both our cultural heritage and our individual aspirations, ultimately leading to a more balanced and fulfilling life.

One of the turning points in my understanding of success and happiness came when I started prioritizing self-care and mindfulness. Practices like meditation, journaling, and simply taking time to breathe have been instrumental in helping me stay grounded. These activities allow me to reconnect with myself and understand what truly brings me joy.

It’s also important to recognize the role of community and support systems in our happiness. Surrounding ourselves with people who uplift and support us can make a significant difference. Whether it’s friends, family, or colleagues, having a network that understands and encourages our growth is invaluable. They provide a sense of belonging and reassurance that we’re not alone in our journey.

Speaking of mental health, it’s crucial to acknowledge that feeling low or unhappy is a natural part of life. It’s okay to seek help when you’re struggling. In fact, it's a sign of strength. Reaching out to friends, family, or professionals can provide the support needed to navigate through tough times.

I’ve personally found that talking about my feelings with a therapist has been incredibly beneficial. It has helped me gain perspective and develop coping strategies. Therapy isn’t just for those in crisis; it’s a tool for anyone looking to better understand themselves and improve their quality of life.

Let me take a moment to delve deeper into my experience with therapy and why I believe it is such a valuable resource. When I first considered seeking therapy, I was hesitant. The stigma surrounding mental health, especially in the brown community, made me question whether it was the right step for me. I had always been taught to handle my problems on my own, to be strong and resilient. However, as the pressures of life began to mount, I realized that I needed an outlet, a safe space where I could express my thoughts and emotions without judgment.

The first few sessions were a revelation. My therapist provided a neutral, non-judgmental space where I could unpack my thoughts and feelings. This was something I hadn’t experienced before, as sharing personal struggles with friends and family often comes with their own biases and perspectives. My therapist’s objectivity allowed me to see my issues from different angles, which was incredibly enlightening. It was like shining a light into the dark corners of my mind, revealing patterns and beliefs that I hadn’t been fully aware of.

One of the most significant benefits of therapy was gaining perspective. Often, when we’re in the midst of our problems, they can seem insurmountable. Our minds can amplify issues, making them appear larger and more daunting than they actually are. Through therapy, I learned to step back and view my challenges more objectively. My therapist helped me understand that many of my worries were based on distorted thinking patterns, such as catastrophizing or black-and-white thinking. By identifying these patterns, I was able to challenge and reframe my thoughts, reducing the intensity of my anxiety and stress.

Therapy also taught me valuable coping strategies. Life is unpredictable, and stressors are inevitable. However, how we respond to these stressors can significantly impact our well-being. My therapist introduced me to various techniques for managing stress, such as mindfulness and cognitive-behavioral techniques. Mindfulness practices, like meditation and deep breathing exercises, helped me stay grounded in the present moment, reducing my tendency to ruminate on past mistakes or future worries. Cognitive-behavioral techniques, on the other hand, equipped me with tools to reframe negative thoughts and develop healthier, more balanced thinking patterns.

Moreover, therapy helped me build resilience. Resilience is the ability to bounce back from adversity, and it’s a skill that can be developed with practice. Through our sessions, I learned to view setbacks as opportunities for growth rather than failures. This shift in perspective was empowering, as it allowed me to approach challenges with a more positive and proactive mindset. I began to see myself as capable and resourceful, which boosted my confidence and self-esteem.

Another crucial aspect of therapy is self-awareness. We all have blind spots—areas of our lives and personalities that we may not fully understand or acknowledge. Therapy helped me uncover these blind spots, providing insights into my behaviors, motivations, and relationships. For example, I realized that some of my stress stemmed from unrealistic expectations I placed on myself, often driven by a desire to please others or avoid conflict. Recognizing these patterns was the first step toward changing them, allowing me to set healthier boundaries and prioritize my own needs.

It’s also worth noting that therapy isn’t just for those in crisis. There’s a common misconception that you need to be at your breaking point to seek help, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. Therapy is a valuable resource for anyone looking to better understand themselves and improve their quality of life. Whether you’re dealing with specific issues like anxiety or depression, or simply want to enhance your emotional well-being, therapy can provide the tools and support you need.

For me, therapy has been a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. It has equipped me with the skills to navigate life’s ups and downs more effectively and has given me a deeper understanding of myself. This self-awareness has improved my relationships, both with others and with myself. I’ve learned to communicate more openly and assertively, to express my needs and feelings without fear of judgment. This has led to more authentic and fulfilling connections with the people in my life.

Now, let’s add a bit of British Asian flair to this. Imagine a lively family gathering, complete with the aroma of fresh samosas wafting through the air and the sound of Bollywood hits playing in the background. Our support systems often thrive in these warm, bustling environments where Aunties and Uncles are ever-ready with advice—solicited or otherwise—and where a problem shared is truly a problem halved (or at least discussed extensively over a cup of masala chai).

In our community, there’s always that one Uncle who’s convinced he’s the next Dalai Lama, offering pearls of wisdom like, “Beta, why be sad when you can be mad?” Or the Aunty who insists, “Just eat more! Food is the best medicine.” While their advice might sometimes seem quirky, there’s an underlying truth: these gatherings, with all their idiosyncrasies, foster a sense of unity and support that’s irreplaceable.

The humour and warmth in these interactions remind us that even in the midst of challenges, we’re part of a larger tapestry of shared experiences and collective resilience. Friends who encourage us to take that leap, family members who listen to our rants without judgment, and colleagues who celebrate our successes—all these relationships form the bedrock of our emotional well-being.

So, next time you’re feeling down, remember the words of your wise Aunty: “There’s nothing a good biryani can’t fix!” And in the spirit of that humour and love, let’s cherish and lean on our community, because they are the ones who make our journey not just bearable, but also joyful and enriching.

So, what does success mean if we’re not happy? Maybe it’s time we redefine success. Instead of focusing solely on achievements, let’s include happiness, fulfillment, and well-being in our definition. Success should be about living a balanced life, where our accomplishments bring us joy and our hearts are full. After all, what good are accolades and wealth if we’re perpetually stressed, disconnected, or unfulfilled?

One thing I’ve learned is that happiness often comes from the simple things in life. It’s found in moments of connection, in pursuing passions, and in giving back to the community. Picture a serene afternoon spent in the local park, sipping on a cup of chai, and having a hearty laugh with friends. Or think about the joy of rediscovering a childhood hobby—whether it’s painting, dancing, or playing a musical instrument—and immersing yourself in it just for the sheer pleasure it brings. 

Volunteering and helping others can bring a profound sense of purpose and contentment. There’s something incredibly satisfying about knowing that you’ve made a positive impact, no matter how small. Whether it’s tutoring local kids, organizing community events, or simply being there for a friend in need, these acts of kindness enrich our lives and foster a deeper connection to the world around us. And, as we say in our community, “Seva is the path to real happiness.” 

When we shift our focus from what we can get to what we can give, we often find greater fulfillment. It’s a bit like that classic Bollywood trope where the hero or heroine discovers that true happiness isn’t found in wealth or fame, but in love, friendship, and selfless acts. By nurturing our relationships, embracing our passions, and contributing to the well-being of others, we create a life that is not only successful but also profoundly rewarding.

Ultimately, by redefining success to include these elements, we allow ourselves to lead richer, more balanced lives. It’s about recognizing that our worth isn’t solely determined by our professional achievements or societal accolades, but by the joy, kindness, and love we bring into our own lives and the lives of others. So, let’s celebrate our wins, big and small, and remember that true success is about living a life that feels as good on the inside as it looks on the outside.

As we wrap up this episode, I encourage you to reflect on your own definitions of success and happiness. Are they aligned? If not, what changes can you make to bring them closer together? And remember, it's perfectly okay to seek help when you're feeling low. You don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

Thank you for tuning in to this episode of the Bold Brown British podcast. If you enjoyed this discussion, please share it with your friends and family, and don’t forget to subscribe for more conversations on life as a brown person in modern British society. Until next time, Sending you love and spice you wonderful  samosas