The Struggles of Finding Your Perfect Soulmate

In this episode of Bold Brown British, I dive into the whirlwind of modern dating and the frustration of feeling like you can't connect. Whether it's online dating, meeting through friends, or even at your local Tesco’s (where the romance section is just the discounted ready meals aisle), it often feels like everyone is searching for the same thing but ends up with something entirely different. I’ll explore the common struggles—whether it’s mismatched expectations, commitment issues, or the superficiality of it all. But don’t worry, amidst the chaos, I’ll share some real hope and practical advice to keep you moving forward. Tune in for a candid discussion on navigating the modern dating scene with humor, honesty, and a pinch of spice!

Transcript

Quarina: Have you ever just sat back, scrolled through your dating app of choice, and wondered... “Is there a secret club where people go to meet their soulmates, and I’m just not invited?”

Because, Samosas, sometimes it feels like that, doesn’t it? It’s like everyone is out there, attending this metaphorical ‘Soulmate Soiree,’ sipping chai lattes with their perfect partners, while we’re stuck swiping left on people who can’t even spell ‘chai.’

So, let's dive into this whirlpool of emotions, shall we? Today, we’re talking about the struggle—no, the absolute chaos—of finding your perfect soulmate in this wild, modern dating scene. Buckle up, because it's a ride filled with commitment issues, superficiality, loneliness, and maybe, just maybe, a dash of hope at the end.

[Sound effect: Samosa crunch]

Quarina: Now, let’s get something straight right off the bat—modern dating is like attempting to order your mum’s secret biryani recipe from a random takeaway joint. The picture looks amazing on the menu, but when you get it home, it’s just rice with a side of regret.

One of the biggest frustrations I hear from people—myself included—is this overwhelming sense of not being able to connect. Whether it’s online dating, meeting through friends, or bumping into someone at your local Tesco’s (and let’s be honest, the romance section at Tesco’s is just the discounted ready meals aisle), it feels like we’re all looking for the same thing, but somehow, it’s completely different. We’re all searching for that genuine connection, the kind that goes beyond the surface level and sparks something real, but it's as though everyone has their own slightly skewed definition of what that connection should look like. It’s like we’re all on the same journey but with different maps—one person’s idea of “serious” might be a casual date every weekend, while someone else is already planning their life together after one conversation. And then there's the dilemma of being in sync—sometimes you find someone who ticks all the boxes, but the timing is off, or their priorities just don’t align with yours. It’s frustrating, to say the least, when you’re putting yourself out there, ready for something meaningful, only to find that the person on the other side of the screen, or even across the table, seems to be speaking a completely different language when it comes to love and connection.

Take men, for example. A lot of guys are out here, saying they’re looking for something serious, someone to build a future with. But—and I’m not saying all men, so please don’t throw your chapals at me—there’s a lot of talk and very little action. It’s like they’re ready to settle down but only after they’ve checked out every possible option on the menu. They’ll tell you they’re looking for someone who’s smart, independent, funny, and, oh yes, they should also have a passion for extreme ironing. Right… Because we all know how much we love a good iron on a Sunday afternoon.

But here's the twist—some men are out there creating this perfect list of qualities, almost like they're ordering their dream car online. “Oh, I’d like someone who’s intelligent, but not too nerdy; ambitious, but still has plenty of time for me; down-to-earth, but also glamorous on special occasions; and while we’re at it, let’s make sure she’s into vintage motorcycles, gourmet cooking, and, of course, extreme ironing.” It’s like they’re crafting the ultimate ‘Build-A-Bae’ experience, but when it comes to actually committing, they suddenly start to question if they really need all those bells and whistles. It’s as if the idea of a ‘perfect partner’ is more appealing than the reality of building a real relationship with someone who, like all of us, comes with their own set of quirks, imperfections, and—heaven forbid—opinions. And honestly, who has the time or energy to keep up with such a never-ending wish list?

And let’s talk about the commitment phobia—because apparently, it’s not just a myth! You’ve got some men acting like the idea of committing to one person is akin to signing a lifetime contract with their internet provider. They’re all excited about the high-speed connection, but heaven forbid there’s a clause about sticking around for more than six months.

But here’s the kicker, ladies—some men actually do want something real. They’re looking for someone to settle down with, but the problem is, they don’t want to ‘settle.’ And I think that’s something we can all relate to, can’t we? This fear of settling, this worry that we’re going to pick the wrong person, get into something that’s ‘good enough,’ but not ‘amazing.’ It’s that constant feeling like there’s someone better just around the corner, just a few more swipes away. It’s exhausting.

It’s as if dating has turned into this weird game of ‘romantic FOMO’—Fear of Missing Out on the perfect partner. We’ve been conditioned to believe that we deserve nothing less than perfection, and while we absolutely should aim high, this perfection myth can be paralyzing. It stops us from fully engaging with the person in front of us because we’re too busy wondering if someone ‘better’ is out there. It’s like shopping during a massive sale—there’s so much on offer that you end up overwhelmed, and instead of making a choice, you walk out with nothing. We forget that real relationships aren’t about finding someone who ticks every box on a superficial checklist. They’re about finding someone whose imperfections you can embrace, someone who complements you in ways you didn’t even know you needed. And that kind of connection isn’t something you can quantify with a swipe.

[Sound effect: Samosa crunch]

Quarina: But don’t worry, ladies—you’re not off the hook either. We’ve got our own set of struggles. Let’s face it: a lot of women, especially in our community, are balancing on this precarious line between being independent and being too independent. You know what I mean. The constant debate over whether it’s okay to ask a guy out first, or whether you should let him make the first move because heaven forbid he thinks you’re ‘too forward.’ It’s like walking a tightrope—too much confidence, and suddenly you’re ‘intimidating’; not enough, and you’re ‘too passive.’ We’re caught in this bizarre tug-of-war between societal expectations and personal desires, where you’re expected to be both bold and demure, strong and soft, all at once. And let’s be honest, it’s exhausting trying to be the perfect balance of everything, especially when the rules keep changing depending on who you’re with.

We’re navigating a world where we’re expected to be confident, career-driven, and ambitious—but also not too ambitious. If we’re too career-focused, we’re told we’re ‘cold’ or ‘unapproachable.’ But if we show even a hint of vulnerability or the desire to settle down, we’re suddenly seen as needy or desperate. It’s like being stuck in a game where the goalposts keep moving, and no matter how hard you try, it’s impossible to score. The struggle to find someone who isn’t intimidated by our success is real. It’s a unique challenge where we find ourselves apologizing for our achievements, or worse, downplaying them, just to make someone else feel more comfortable. We’re told to be proud of our accomplishments, yet somehow not too proud—because, you know, it might bruise someone’s ego.

And while we’re out here trying to avoid the ones who can’t handle a woman with a plan, there’s also the struggle of feeling like we’re too much for some, and not enough for others. It’s a frustrating paradox. On one hand, we’re told we should be everything—successful, independent, attractive, and nurturing—an impossible standard, mind you. On the other hand, when we do embody all those qualities, we’re met with partners who can’t seem to keep up, or worse, who feel the need to tear us down to make themselves feel bigger. It’s the eternal question: How do we find someone who can handle all that we are, without feeling like we need to shrink ourselves down to make the relationship work? And yet, amidst all these contradictions and expectations, we’re still told that we’re the ones who need to compromise, who need to adjust, who need to change. It’s enough to make you want to throw in the towel—or at least take a long break from dating apps.

But we persevere, don’t we? Because, despite all the mixed messages and the rollercoaster of dating in modern society, there’s still that hope, that belief that somewhere out there is someone who will appreciate us for all that we are—no apologies needed.

Then, there’s this weird pressure we put on ourselves about being ‘ready.’ You know, that internal monologue that goes, “I need to have my life together before I find my soulmate. I need to be perfect.” But the truth is, we’re all a work in progress. We’re like a samosa that’s a bit overfilled—sometimes bursting at the seams, but still pretty delicious, if I do say so myself.

And here’s the reality: some of us are scared. We’ve been hurt before, we’ve dealt with heartbreak, and we’re terrified of getting it wrong again. So, what do we do? We start putting up walls, we overanalyze, we convince ourselves that the perfect person is out there, but we just haven’t met them yet. But deep down, maybe we’re just afraid to take a chance.

[Sound effect: Samosa crunch]

Quarina: And then there’s the cherry on top of this dating disaster sundae—superficiality. Let’s be real, we’ve all been guilty of it at some point. In a world where everything is curated—Instagram profiles, LinkedIn bios, even our dating app pictures—it’s hard not to get caught up in the superficial. We’re swiping left or right based on a photo, a witty bio, or a common interest in ‘90s Bollywood movies.

But here’s the kicker: we’re looking for depth, for connection, for someone who gets us. And yet, we’re filtering people out based on the most superficial of criteria. It’s like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and only eating the naan bread because it’s easy and right there in front of you. Meanwhile, the biryani, the daal, the butter chicken—all the good stuff—is just waiting for you to notice it.

The thing is, superficiality is a double-edged sword. We don’t want to be judged on our looks, our jobs, or our social media presence, but we’re also quick to do the same to others. It’s this vicious cycle where everyone’s looking for the ‘whole package,’ but no one’s willing to unpack the layers to see what’s really inside.

[Sound effect: Samosa crunch]

Quarina: And that, my dear Samosas, leads us to loneliness. Because at the end of the day, after all the swiping, the dates that went nowhere, and the constant questioning of “Why can’t I find someone?”—what’s left is this gnawing sense of loneliness.

It’s that feeling of coming home after a long day, seeing yet another engagement post on your Facebook feed, and thinking, “When’s it going to be my turn?” It’s the worry that maybe there isn’t someone out there for you, that maybe you’re destined to navigate this world alone.

But here’s the thing about loneliness—it’s sneaky. It makes you doubt yourself, makes you question your worth. And sometimes, it can lead you to the brink of settling. You start thinking, “Maybe I’m being too picky. Maybe I should just accept that this is as good as it gets.”

But Samosas, let me tell you—settling is a dangerous game. It’s like buying a knock-off brand of masala and wondering why your food doesn’t taste quite right. You deserve the real deal, the full-flavor experience. You deserve someone who’s going to add spice to your life, not just be the bland side dish you settle for because it’s convenient.

[Sound effect: Samosa crunch]

Quarina: Now, after all that, you might be thinking, “Quarina, where’s the hope? You’ve just spent the last 15 minutes telling us how impossible it is to find love!” But hold on, because here it is—the realistic hope, without the cheesy aftertaste.

The truth is, finding a soulmate in this modern dating scene is tough. It’s like searching for a needle in a haystack, except the haystack is filled with people who think ‘Ghosting’ is an acceptable way to end things.

But here’s the flip side—people are still finding love. They’re navigating this crazy world, making mistakes, learning from them, and eventually, finding someone who fits. And so will you.

The key is to stay open, to be honest with yourself about what you want, and to be brave enough to take the risk. It’s okay to have high standards; it’s okay to want someone who checks off your list. But also remember that the best relationships are the ones that surprise you, the ones that maybe don’t look like what you expected, but end up being everything you need.

And yes, it’s going to be a journey. There will be times when you feel like giving up, times when you think it’s never going to happen for you. But that’s when you dig deep, remind yourself of your worth, and keep going.

Because here’s the thing, Samosas—love isn’t just about finding the perfect person. It’s about finding someone who’s as imperfect as you are, but willing to make it work anyway. It’s about finding someone who adds flavor to your life, who makes the mundane moments magical, and who’s willing to do the work with you.

So, my lovely Samosas, as you continue on this journey of finding your perfect soulmate, remember to keep your heart open, your standards high, and your spirits up. And while you’re at it, enjoy the ride—because the destination is only part of the journey, and sometimes the best stories come from the unexpected detours.

And with that, I’m sending you all love, light, and just the right amount of spice. Until next time, stay bold, stay brown, and stay hopeful