The "Good Girl/Good Boy" Mentality Unpacked

Why do so many of us brown Brits carry the weight of perfection on our shoulders? In this solo episode, Quarina dives into the "good girl/good boy" mindset, unpacks the pressures of the "good immigrant" mentality, and explores how these expectations shape our lives. With wit, humour, and a healthy dose of spice, she shares how we can unlearn the need to please everyone and start living for ourselves. Samosas, it’s time to take off that perfection badge and embrace the beauty of imperfection.

Transcript

"Why is it that as brown kids, so many of us walk around with an invisible ‘good boy’ or ‘good girl’ badge pinned to our chests like it’s our only source of oxygen? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself—when did I start living for someone else’s expectations and not my own? Oh, samosas, today we’re going there. Deep into the good girl and good boy mentality—and trust me, it’s not as ‘good’ as it sounds."

[Pause for a beat]
"Let’s get spicy, shall we?"

Segment 1: Where It All Begins

"So, what is the 'good girl' or 'good boy' mentality? It’s this deeply ingrained belief that you always have to be perfect. Polished. Obedient. Respectable. Never make waves, never make mistakes, and never make your parents regret the day they gave you life. Sound familiar? Thought so."

"Let’s be honest, for a lot of us brown folk, it starts at home. You’re two years old, wobbling around in your nappy, and your parents are already telling you to behave, to say please and thank you, to be the kid that other aunties and uncles wish they had. And heaven forbid you act up in front of guests! That’s an immediate death sentence. You might survive a nuclear war, but you will NOT survive disappointing your parents in front of strangers."

[Pause]
 "Now, don’t get me wrong. Respect, kindness, hard work—these are all great values. I’m not here to throw the entire family handbook out the window. But what happens when this mindset becomes all-consuming? What happens when it mutates into this suffocating need to perform? To constantly prove that you’re ‘worthy’? And, my dear samosas, what happens when this spirals into something bigger—like the good immigrant mentality?"

Segment 2: The “Good Immigrant” Mentality

"Now, let’s talk about the good immigrant mentality—also known as ‘walking around with the weight of your entire community on your back.’ No pressure, right? Here’s the thing: for a lot of us, being a child of immigrants—or being an immigrant ourselves—comes with this unwritten rule. You’re not just living your life for you. Oh no, no, no. You’re living for your family, your extended family, your ancestors, your neighbour’s cousin, and possibly the entire South Asian subcontinent."

[Mocking tone]
 "Because if you succeed, it’s proof that your parents’ struggles were worth it. But if you fail—oof—what will people say? Not just your family, but what will everyone say? The aunties, the uncles, that one random uncle who isn’t even related to you but shows up to every family wedding. They’ll all be there to scrutinize your every move."

[Pause for effect]
 "And because of that, we fall into this trap. We think we have to work harder, be smarter, be kinder, be better behaved—just to earn our place. To prove that we belong in spaces that were never designed for us in the first place. Whether it’s school, university, or the workplace, we carry this unspoken mantra: ‘Don’t give them a reason to kick you out.’"

[Switching tone to humorous]
 "And it’s exhausting! I mean, have you ever tried being a full-time overachiever AND a brown person? It’s like running a marathon while making sure your roti is perfectly round. Impossible."

"But here’s the real kicker, my samosas. The good girl, good boy, good immigrant mentality—it comes at a cost. A big cost. Because while we’re busy being ‘good,’ we often forget to be ourselves."

[Serious tone]
 "Think about it. How many of us have chosen careers, hobbies, or even partners—not because we wanted them, but because they’d make us look ‘good’ in other people’s eyes? How many of us have silenced our voices in meetings, classrooms, or social situations because we didn’t want to come across as ‘too loud’ or ‘too opinionated’? And how many of us have brushed aside our own mental health, our own needs, just to keep up this perfect façade?"

[Pause for reflection]
 "It’s sad, isn’t it? This constant need to prove ourselves—to the world, to our families, to ourselves—means we end up sacrificing the very thing that makes us unique. We become cardboard cutouts of who we think we’re supposed to be."

[Add humour]
 "And let’s not even talk about burnout. Because trust me, there’s only so long you can be everyone’s idea of ‘perfect’ before you start snapping at people for leaving the ketchup lid slightly loose. Not that I’m speaking from personal experience or anything."

[Expanded Reflection]
"Now let’s break this down, shall we? Let’s talk about this burnout. You might not even realize it’s happening at first because we’ve all been trained to push through. You’re juggling ten things at once—work deadlines, family expectations, social commitments—and you think, ‘This is fine. I’m fine.’ But deep down, you’re not. You’re running on fumes. And yet, instead of slowing down, you keep going, because heaven forbid anyone sees a crack in your shiny, polished exterior."

"Burnout isn’t just about exhaustion, though. It’s about losing yourself. You wake up one day and realize you’ve spent so much time being who the world expects you to be that you have no idea who you are anymore. You’ve spent years walking this tightrope, balancing everyone’s expectations, and now you’re standing there thinking, ‘Wait, what do I actually want?’ And that’s terrifying."

[Pause, serious tone]
 "Let me give you an example. When I was younger, I wanted to pursue something creative. But I also knew that a creative career wasn’t exactly what you’d call ‘a safe bet,’ especially in our culture. You know what I mean. The Holy Trinity of career options: doctor, lawyer, engineer. Anything outside of that, and you might as well tell your parents you’re planning to become a professional yoyo performer. Their reaction would be about the same."

"So, I put my dreams on hold. I convinced myself they weren’t practical. I chose a path that I thought would make everyone else happy, and for a while, it worked. I was the ‘good girl.’ The one who ticked all the boxes. But the longer I stayed on that path, the more I felt like I was living someone else’s life. I wasn’t happy. And it wasn’t until much later that I realized—being ‘good’ had cost me my authenticity. It had cost me me."

[How It Shows Up in Everyday Life]
"And the thing is, this isn’t just about big life decisions like careers or relationships. The cost of being ‘good’ shows up in the small, everyday moments too. Have you ever been in a meeting at work and had an idea, but you didn’t say it out loud because you were worried it might come off as ‘too pushy’? Or maybe you’ve been at a family gathering and held back from challenging a problematic comment because you didn’t want to cause a scene. You tell yourself, ‘It’s not worth it,’ but deep down, you know it is. You know staying silent feels like a betrayal of yourself."

"And let’s talk about friendships. How many of us have bent over backwards to be the ‘good friend’? The one who’s always available, always understanding, even when we’re being treated like a doormat? Why? Because we don’t want to be seen as difficult. Because we think if we’re not ‘nice’ all the time, people won’t like us. Spoiler alert: real friends don’t need you to be perfect. They just need you to be real."

[Cultural Expectations and the Double Life]
"And then there’s the added layer of cultural expectations. Being a brown person in modern British society often feels like living a double life. At home, you’re expected to uphold your cultural values—be respectful, be humble, never bring shame to the family. But out in the world, you’re navigating a completely different set of rules. You’re trying to fit into a society that often sees you as an outsider no matter how ‘good’ you are. It’s exhausting."

[Humorous tone]
 "And don’t even get me started on the mental gymnastics of trying to be the perfect child and the perfect British citizen. Like, you’re expected to get straight A’s, land a high-paying job, marry someone your parents approve of, AND somehow find time to bake Victoria sponge cakes and make small talk about the weather? It’s too much. We’re not robots!"

[Pause, lighter tone]
 "But here’s the thing, my samosas. This double life—it’s not sustainable. At some point, you have to choose. Do you keep living for other people’s expectations, or do you start living for yourself? Because let me tell you, the cost of being ‘good’ is far too high if it means losing your identity in the process."

[The Mental Health Toll]
"And let’s not ignore the mental health aspect of all this. Constantly striving to be perfect takes a toll. Anxiety, depression, feelings of inadequacy—they’re all part of the package deal. And yet, in many of our communities, mental health is still such a taboo topic. If you’re struggling, you’re told to just ‘pray more’ or ‘be grateful for what you have.’ And while gratitude and spirituality are important, they’re not a substitute for therapy or setting boundaries or just saying, ‘No, I can’t do this anymore.’"

"Here’s the thing: you can’t pour from an empty cup. If you’re constantly giving, constantly striving, constantly performing, you’re going to burn out. And when you do, no one’s going to give you a medal for being the ‘good girl’ or ‘good boy.’ They’ll just ask why you didn’t take better care of yourself."

[Final Reflection for the Segment]
"So, my samosas, I want you to really think about this: what is being ‘good’ costing you? Is it costing you your happiness? Your authenticity? Your mental health? Because if it is, it’s time to reevaluate. Being ‘good’ shouldn’t mean sacrificing who you are. It shouldn’t mean living your life on someone else’s terms. And it definitely shouldn’t mean burning yourself out for the sake of appearances."

"At the end of the day, you deserve to live a life that feels true to you. A life that’s messy and imperfect and full of mistakes—because that’s what being human is all about. So, let’s stop striving to be ‘good’ and start striving to be real. 

Segment 4: Breaking Free From the Trap (Expanded)

"So, how do we unlearn this deeply ingrained need to always be the ‘good’ one? Well, samosas, here’s the thing—there’s no overnight fix. If there were, I’d bottle it, sell it, and retire to the Maldives to sip chai on the beach. But I do have a few thoughts, and they’re a good place to start."

"First, we need to ask ourselves the hard question: Whose approval am I really seeking? Is it my parents? My siblings? Society? That one aunty who always side-eyes me at weddings as if my outfit isn’t good enough for her Instagram feed? Let’s be honest, whoever it is, they’re not living your life. You are. They’re not going to wake up and deal with the consequences of the choices you make—you are. So, start making decisions that actually feel good for you, not just decisions that look good on a metaphorical CV of life."

[Pause for reflection]
 "Second, let’s talk about normalizing imperfection. Because I think, as brown people, we’ve been handed this unspoken rule that our lives need to be a performance of excellence. You’ve got to get the grades, the job, the partner, and even the family vacation photos just right—or else it’s failure. But hear me out: failing is okay. Sometimes, being the loudest one in the room is okay. Sometimes, burning the chapati is okay. It’s these little imperfections that make you human. And for those aunties and uncles who don’t get that—well, just tell them: ‘Quarina said it’s fine. Take it up with her.’"

[Add humour]
 "And third—and this is a spicy one—please stop trying to solve generational trauma by overcompensating. Look, it’s great to be nice, but you don’t need to be so excessively polite to everyone just to heal your family tree. I see you, tipping the delivery driver double because you feel guilty about how your great-grandparents were colonized. You can be kind AND set boundaries. You can say no without feeling like you’re rejecting an entire culture. Revolutionary, right?"

[Pause]
 "Ultimately, breaking out of this trap means learning to shift your mindset. It’s about realizing that you’re more than the roles society has boxed you into. You’re not just someone’s child, someone’s sibling, someone’s ‘shining example.’ You’re you. And that alone is enough."

Segment 5: Owning Your Identity

"And finally, let’s remember this: being brown, being British, being you—it’s already enough. You don’t need to earn your right to exist in this world. You don’t need to prove your worth by being the ‘perfect’ child or the ‘perfect’ immigrant. You’re allowed to just be. To live, to make mistakes, to enjoy life on your own terms."

[Pause for a reflective tone]
 "Because at the end of the day, life isn’t about being ‘good.’ It’s about being real. And real people are messy, complicated, and imperfect—and that’s what makes them beautiful."

[Closing Statement]
"So, my samosas, let’s take off the ‘good girl’ and ‘good boy’ badges. Let’s stop living for other people’s expectations and start living for ourselves. Because trust me, the world doesn’t need more perfection. It needs more of you."

[Pause]
 "As always, sending you love and spice. See you next time!"