Nurturing and Letting Go with Kathy Bowers

Have you ever caught yourself mimicking your parents' approach to raising kids, for better or worse? That's one of the many topics we tore into with UK-based parenting guru Kathy Bowers, who joined me, Lyanette Talley, for a candid talk on Virago 24/7. With Kathy's seasoned insights, we navigate the complex waters of family communication, shedding light on the silent power of non-verbal cues and the significance of confronting our own personal challenges to improve familial bonds. This is a hearty discussion on recognizing and reforming those engrained parenting patterns that may not serve us or our children well.

We delve into the tender balance of respecting our adult children's independence while remaining their steadfast support system. This episode is peppered with personal anecdotes and the shared wisdom that sometimes, the best thing we can offer our adult children is patience, a listening ear, and maybe a little bit of space when it comes to their choices.

To wrap up, Kathy and I reflect on the importance of self-care for parents and the ripple effect it has on the entire family dynamic. Prioritizing our well-being isn't just a good move for us, it's a game changer for our kids. We discuss practical steps parents can take to set boundaries, create nurturing routines, and be actively present, all while nurturing a home environment where open, heartfelt communication is at the forefront. Whether you're a new parent or you're watching your kids navigate parenthood themselves, this episode is filled with the kind of seasoned advice and warm support that can only come from two people who've lived through the parenting trenches themselves.

Connect with Kathy Bowers:
https://www.life-change-coaching.co.uk/

Go to my website virago247.net for all things Virago 24/7
You can email me at virago247podcast@gmail.com

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

Hi, I am your host, leonette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. Hey, everyone, thanks for coming in another week on Virago 24-7. Today I have a special guest.

Speaker 1: 0:51

We haven't had a special guest in a while and she is here from the UK, can you imagine. She reached out and I was like of course she's a parenting coach and we've talked about parenting on this show a few dozen times. Everyone that listens has children, and I'll know that I have my three kids, that I'm trying to find ways to communicate all stages of their. I have all the stages. I have elementary, well, actually, I have middle college and high school. So, anyways, kathy Bowers is all the way from the UK and instead of me running down the line of who she is, I rather have her introduce herself and let us know a little bit about you, kathy, welcome. Hello everyone.

Speaker 2: 1:43

My name is Kathy Bowers, as Lunette has said. I'm from the UK and I'm a parenting and teen coach and I've been working with families and their children for over 40 years in all different areas and the last 20 before starting my business life change coaching. I worked with social care and that was going directly into the family's homes to help with all parenting issues, behavioural problems and looking at what the parents needed to do first for themselves to be able to meet the needs of their kids, and it's been really interesting. It's been a really interesting journey I've had from the age of 16 to now the age of 70, when I'm doing my business now, and I finally feel that I've got my vocation because now my help parents who have tried everything but they're still stuck. They're having problems with communication and just relationships with their children and they want to find a better way to make things easier for them, have an improved relationship and to make parenting easier.

Speaker 1: 2:51

Yeah, no, that's great and I have many friends and we talk about parenting and we throw ideas at each other, but what I find is that we're kind of mimicking how we were raised and what was done when we were children and realizing that that doesn't always work. So we're retraining our brains and reading and researching and learning how to communicate in a different way, and that's very difficult. To retrain your brain. What is the process with parents that you guide them through in order to kind of switch?

Speaker 2: 3:29

Well, the first thing is making sure that you look at what's happening for you from an everyday point of view and what maybe is impacting on how you compare them. Because if you've got problems at work, if you've got mental health issues, if you've got a physical disability, you're in constant pain, for example, a bad back pain that can make you irritable and not receptive to your children. So if you've got things like that, if you've got postnatal depression, you need to sort that out first for yourself, to make sure you're in a good place. Also, to make sure that you have quality time each day. It doesn't matter what time of the day for yourself. Start off with maybe 15 minutes. It just gives you that headspace to clear your thoughts, calm down and be in a better place for yourself. And once you've done that, then you can sort of engage much better with your children.

Speaker 2: 4:26

And then, looking at your parenting, we've all come from how we've been parented and some we've had very good input and we can still take that and use it, but others not necessarily we might have been shouted at, we might have been smacked out, and I know I was all those things, and you bring it along to your parenting and you don't realise, in a way you're sort of repeating that pattern that you had to your children. And I went through it. I mean I went through like smacking my kids and screaming at them, and I've got three, they're all adults now and I'm a grandma of two. But I went through all this and then I suddenly froze and I thought hold on a minute. If smacking your child once then prevents that thing happening again, maybe. Okay, not justifying it, but maybe that's it. It could work. But it doesn't, because you can smack, you can shout, you can scream, and it's repeated all the time. So all you're doing is instilling fear, you're bullying your kids. You're much taller than they are, you know, so that's the wrong way to go about it. So it's looking at parenting again and regarding how we communicate. The first thing we give out is our body language. 90% is body language. You might not understand someone's language. You know what they speak to you, but you can understand their body language, facial expressions, again, that shows. And then your voice, but not just your voice, it's the tone of your voice. So there's lots of things like that and it's the same when you look at your children.

Speaker 2: 6:06

Lots of your children are responding and you might think it's in a negative way. You think, oh, they're having a go at me, they're trying to irritate me. No, no, no, they're younger than you. They might not have the vocabulary to tell you what they're thinking or feeling, so they show it in another way and if they can't vocalise it, they get frustrated, you know, and they act out. And again, if they've been trying to get your attention and you've been too busy on your phone and not really having that space to sit down and really look at them and take it all in, they can try and get your attention. You're not getting it, so then they'll try something else, like a youngster might come up with a toy and put it on your lap and you go yeah, yeah, and you push it away. And then they might come back again with that toy and whack you. And then your response is how dare you? You've been really naughty. What they've been trying to say is I want some attention here, but we've missed that bridge, as it were.

Speaker 2: 7:05

And then you've got other children who keep on trying and they're not getting anywhere. So they withdraw into themselves and you all think, oh, he's such a good boy. He never asks for anything. You know they look how nicely he plays. That's not necessarily the case. What he's done is internalized all his feelings and because you're not responding you know that happens a lot when people are suffering from depression and they can't respond You're sort of closed to yourself and you're closed to what's going on around you. So you see lots of children like that or you get the other side of the coin where the children have learned they'll only get your response and attention when they've done something you know, really sort of hit someone or broken something. That's when you respond. So they've learned the wrong way of the negative. Let's respond badly and we'll get my mum and dad's attention.

Speaker 1: 7:59

Yeah, no, that's good. I can totally relate to the internalizing because that's how I was as a child. And then also I noticed that in my oldest child, like she was just always very capable and didn't ruffle any feathers Not really. You know, kids are going to be kids, but for the most part and now she's about to be 23 and those things are coming out now with the anxiety and depression and trying to figure out who she is. Do you have any input on that? Like I understand, like when you're little, but what if they're already past that stage? And quote unquote, the damage has been done, you know, to putting so many words.

Speaker 2: 8:40

The main thing is not to blame yourself, because lots of children, from the word, go, if they're in a house where there's arguments and all sorts of things going, they automatically feel are the arguments because I'm here, they take it all on board. You know, for the moment they break up. Have you broken up because of me? It's so difficult because that's what they feel, you know. Or they've been piggy in the middle in the relationship and they don't know who to please because they don't want to choose. They love mum, they love dad and it's so difficult.

Speaker 2: 9:15

So when you get past, when you get into later adolescence or older, like your daughter is, and you have to accept that whatever's happened to you wasn't anything to do with you, it was out of your control. But now you've got to look at the scenario that, where you are now as a person, look at how you're achieving or, like you're saying, are there areas of your life that you feel unsure? Have you got low self-esteem? And if that's the case, you need to get help. You need to seek help. You know, be it either going to someone or you can get lots of books or the self-help CDs that help you. So there's so much out there now that can really help you feel more confident, build your confidence and put yourself in the better place. If you are able to talk to at least one of your parents about it, that's great, you know, but not everyone can. But the main issue is to really self-heal yourself. You can look back and obviously you're going to have a mixture of memories, good and bad. So keep the good ones, always keep the good ones, but learn from what's happened in the past as not your fault, as the negative things which your parents have been going through. And you will never know exactly what your parents went through at that time, because I won't tell you.

Speaker 2: 10:42

I know I went through depression. I didn't realise. I was depressed for maybe two years. I didn't realise, but I was responding negatively towards my children. And then, when that depression lifted, I could then look back at the old me and think, christ, you really were. And he was pushing the buttons left, right and central on you. I mean I've become suicidal. I've really had come down that route, you know, and he was. He didn't want to, he didn't care, he didn't care what I did, he wouldn't care if I ended it there. And then, as far as he was concerned, he was so arrogant, you know, it was just how he was.

Speaker 2: 11:22

But the damage that I've been doing to my kids, you know, I've been shouting, I've been screaming, I've been hitting, I've been not and not available for them. And only then I came back and I thought to myself. It took a long time but I thought I have to forgive myself because I can't live in the past. What's done is done, but I have to learn from it and try and rebuild that relationship with my children, which luckily I did. But it takes a lot because you feel guilty after you've had the arguments and you're shouting and screaming and things.

Speaker 2: 11:59

They feel sick. You feel sick, you know, but it was a pattern that I was getting myself into all the time and I was waking up, thinking, oh God, am I going to have another day like yesterday? And so I automatically talking about body language. My body language to them was they looked at me and they could sit because they always observe. You watch it 24, seven. They obviously thought, huh, she thinks we're going to just be like we did yesterday. Well, we might as well, because we're not going to get any thanks or praise here. So it was a vicious circle.

Speaker 2: 12:32

But then I started treating each day differently and looking at the positives.

Speaker 2: 12:38

What was going on for my kids, what were they doing well, what little things they were trying, and then actually saying to them I've noticed you have done this, well done. Thank you for helping me with this. You've been so patient, waiting for me to finish doing this before we could do something. You know, and the difference with giving praise rather than criticism to anybody. You see a completely different reaction, because children want to want to please you and we would much prefer to have a relationship that everyone's in harmony and sync, rather thinking, oh, what's, what's the next big argument? Why is that coming? So it's vital to be really open to your children and really be available for them on a daily basis and let them know that you value them and you value their opinions, especially as they get older. You know the teams include them in everything. Say like hey, I know you've maybe come in the house and you've. You look like you've had a bit of a rough day. If you feel like talking about it, I'm here for you.

Speaker 1: 13:45

I like that I like erasing what happened yesterday because, to be honest, the teenage years weren't as bad as just now that she's an adult, kind of transitioning from from I'm your parent, but I can't tell you what to do and come and just learning to come alongside her.

Speaker 1: 14:08

And I've had a change how I you know, because I was a Yeller, you know I come from a culture, I'm Latin, from Latin America, and so we're very passionate and we, you know, even screaming it's just normal in that culture like the screaming, and then oh and so that's, you know, that's, that's what I've seen and you know it wasn't really detrimental to me. But I see in my kids that it doesn't work for them, you know they're they're different, they're not growing up in that same culture. So I've had to shift how I, you know, I respond and they're so different, oh my gosh. So what I can do with this one, I can't do with that one, and so on and so forth. So I like the treating every day differently and giving validation. Yeah, I need to do that a little bit more.

Speaker 2: 14:59

And so with the older children, you know, when they're adults, like I mean, my eldest is now 43. And then I've got one who's 37 and it goes back, you know, another three years after that for my daughter and they've got their relationships. You know, two of my sons have got babies now and it's now a question of you can't treat them like you did when they were little. You have to now sort of step back and think right, you're doing so. Well, listen, really listen to them and see what they have to say and what they're doing, and don't step in to sort of make corrections of how they I mean the parenting at the moment I sort of think some things I wouldn't do, but that's hey, I'm the grand now. They're not my kids, they're, you know, my grandchildren.

Speaker 2: 15:48

So I have to zip it sometimes and step back and think, if you ask for my support and help and an opinion, I'll give you it. But I'm not going to give it unless you ask for it and because everyone's different. You know when your kids are different from you, they think differently and what their lifestyle and their partner is different from the partner you had. So it's a completely different home life that they're living in, that I was then what I was living in. So you'd have to really sort of validate them and say I can see you're doing so well, you're an adult now, you've got your own life, you're doing all sorts of things and just be there for them, but be really mindful that you're not going to criticize their partner or criticize anything that they do. I mean, what's quite funny now is my son has taken over trying to tell me how I should live in my life, how I should decorate my home, how I should do it. It's really funny.

Speaker 1: 16:46

That is funny.

Speaker 2: 16:48

He says, oh, I should be doing this and I should be doing that. And for about six years he kept on saying I want to revamp your home. I kept on saying no, no, no. And then, after I think it was near COVID, he just said oh, one day come on, mom. So I went oh, for God's sake, okay, then do it. And he went oh, I said, do it then. And then he took on the job of doing my house and then he was cursing me. He said oh, I hate this house. The walls aren't straight, this isn't straight. And it was so funny and he was doing like a one man job as well as working and doing his own house as well. And he took it was in the winter months. He took all the doors off, had no doors, and then he took a couple of radiators off the main rooms where I would be sitting.

Speaker 2: 17:27

And I was off for months and it was freezing in the winter and all the heat I had was just going upstairs and I thought this is crazy. Then he decided to dismantle my airing cupboard upstairs in my bedroom for viewing it to making a bigger one. But then they had a baby, so they came first. He came first. So this airing cupboard had no doors, no sides, and he took the slats off. But luckily they were downstairs and I kept on thinking this is crazy, because I need the slats to put my sheets on and stuff, because the heat was still coming from the you know the boiler. So I found the slats and I put them all up and they put the stuff back up, but obviously still no sides, no door.

Speaker 1: 18:10

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 2: 18:11

And when I saw him recently he said we might have to get someone to pay to do that for you. And I just I just laughed. I just thought eventually it'll get done.

Speaker 1: 18:20

That's funny.

Speaker 2: 18:21

He had the best intentions, but I don't like your paintings. You need to do this. And I said well, I like them. You know it's just me, it's my character. It reminds me of things like I've got one with a tree, you know of nature and the the all ton colors and the season, and then one of mountings. And he said I said, but you don't see why I put those there.

Speaker 1: 18:45

That is funny. So he sees himself trying to help you and you're just like go for it, and then it's like wait a minute. That's funny Sometimes they just have to figure it out for themselves, Right.

Speaker 2: 18:57

I'm sure if he could dress me, you probably would as well. That's funny, that's really sweet.

Speaker 1: 19:04

That sounds like how my youngest will probably believe. When she's older she she probably do something like that. Tell me what to do he cared.

Speaker 2: 19:11

It's his way of showing he cares. And you know what I found? And it's really funny, it was only in the last six months. I suddenly realized I kept on thinking to myself, how well do my children really know me? Because they're, you know, talking to other parents over the years and everything. And I suddenly realized they don't know me that well. It's my friends who really know me, because although I tried to encourage them to get to know me, they didn't want to. They just want to know me as their mum. So that's all they see. Mum, you know. They don't see how mum thinks or feels, or what mum's music tastes are or what mum likes to do. They're oblivious to that. And I just realized, after sort of this battle of well, I'm seeing you, I'm wanting to know about you and your life. Why aren't you asking me the same? And it was like we don't need to know any of that. We just want to know you, you're just mum.

Speaker 1: 20:03

Yeah, mum.

Speaker 1: 20:04

So, Well it's, yeah, that's interesting. You say that because with my mother, you know, she kind of kept things in and I'm just finding out, maybe in the past I'm 44. So maybe in the past, in my 30s, where but I had to start asking questions like what happened with this and this and this when you know, when I was younger, or asking her about her childhood. And I think what happens is moms want to protect their kids and we don't want to throw our issues and our things that we have to deal with on them, and so they don't really know us, so they don't really see us as as humans, you know. They just see us as mom and with no feelings. And how dare you and this and that.

Speaker 1: 20:47

And I'm learning that I have to be more vulnerable with my kids so that they can see that that other side of me, not the one that just tells them what to do all the time. So I've seen a different side of my mother after just sitting down and having these in-depth conversations where I'm asking her questions and she's just like I just never thought that, you know, when you were little I didn't kind of taint anything for you. You know, when it came to my dad because they were separate, they were so young, they were teenage parents and she never spoke ill of him. So just kind of asking questions of what happened here and what happened there and to see a different side of your parent is really you just see them as more human.

Speaker 2: 21:32

I think what happened with me? Because I went through a divorce. I didn't want my children it's very common for adults to or at least one of the adults involve their children in adult discussions which they shouldn't be, because they're kids, they shouldn't be privy to any of the bad stuff that goes on. But unfortunately they're piggy in the middle and they're used as a bat and ball game against each other. Especially one parent will, do you know? Say, do you know this, do you know that? And they shouldn't be doing that.

Speaker 2: 22:00

And so I kept everything quiet and I didn't say anything. And even to this day they don't know what went on with their dad, you know. But he would use me as a weapon. He would say stuff to my kids which he shouldn't have done and they didn't want to get involved, you know. But they were getting upset. But they were sticking up for me because they knew what he was saying wasn't true and they were really getting especially the youngest one was really getting victimized by it from him. You know, he'd treat the other two saying, well, you're just like your mum. So, for example, they'd go out for the weekend and he wouldn't be treated. The other two would be treated and his attitude was well, you're just like your mum, so I'm not going to do it. You know so really nasty things.

Speaker 2: 22:45

And it's so difficult because I used to say to the children all I want to know, I don't want to know about what you've done with your dad, I'm not interested in that. But all I want to know is that he's treating you well when you're there and if anything's upsetting you, if he's done anything wrong, you have to tell me, because there's a lot of things that you have to tell me, because then I will step in and challenge and ask him things. I mean, I have a great believer of boundaries and routines, didn't have many, but enough to flow. But he chose to make the choice of not doing any boundaries and routines with the kids, not to follow them, just to get back at me. And they got very upset because it was an imbalance.

Speaker 2: 23:25

I mean, they were watching adult films when they were young, you know, and things like that. And I said to my elder child once when he was in his teens how can you watching all this Disney stuff now? And he said, because I was never allowed to watch it at dad and it was so hard. You know he's picking you all up. He said I'm watching what I should have watched then at that age, and things like that.

Speaker 1: 23:47

Well come, I do have a few. I knew, I know a few people that are in that same boat, the way you're describing it, where they're trying to be the adult but then their ex spouse is not. They're doing exactly what you're describing. What do you say? Because you can't control that other person? Like, what do you say to these people if they come with that kind of issue?

Speaker 2: 24:07

Yeah, if they can sort of put their differences aside and if they can talk to their other half and just say look, I know we don't get on and I know we're not together, but these are our children, we chose to have them and you love them, I love them and we want the best for them. So on this way we have to have harmony, we have to have balance and understanding and go along that track. It's great if it works, but I would say good 40, 50% of the time it doesn't. So the only thing you can do is stick to how you run your household, how you treat your children. So, because they will come back, like mine did, and they will come back and test the waters with me and it was hell sometimes I'd have one of them kicking off or I'd have all three. It was because they were making sure that I was going to stick around, I wasn't going to walk out the door and not come back. It was really hard work, but I had to keep reassuring them and being there for them. That's all you can do.

Speaker 2: 25:07

I used to do things like get the calendar and I'd mark out all the holidays and all the things and I'd say to him right, these are the summer, this is the summer term, this is autumn, whatever. I want you to tell me now what day or what week or a couple of weeks do you want for the holidays? And my mark it off as yours. Now, we did that and I said then I want you to ring them up every day and talk to them at night when they come back, you know, before they go to bed they might want to speak to you, or maybe one does, or maybe none of them does, but that's not your choice. To do that you have to phone them. Then again, see them in the middle of the week, on a Wednesday, and then alternate weekends. You can have them, you know.

Speaker 2: 25:53

So what he started to try to do with me was suddenly say to the kids oh, I'm not having you that weekend, and then try and stand up on the doorstep of my weekend and do it, and I'd say you're not coming in, we've got arrangements. But what you're telling the kids and showing the kids are, you don't care. But that's your relationship with them. And when he realized, I think after the sixth time of trying it, that I wasn't going to bend and I was either out or he wasn't. You know, he was definitely wasn't allowed in. It wasn't working. He then stuck to the agreement.

Speaker 1: 26:30

So it sounds like Boundaries are number one and just being consistent, because kids are so smart and they're eventually going to figure it out and you know, like you said, they'll test you, because I do see that with you know, within my friend group, the ones that are going through it that that's exactly it and I think. I think what happens is they just get so exhausted so they give in and then it's like this vicious cycle that they're never going to get out of because they're not set in those boundaries. So I like that, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:59

It's. It's vital because in life we have, we have boundaries and routines in everything we do. You know, call them the laws if you want. They're there for a reason and we have them in school. The kids, you know, some of them do act up in school, but most of the time the class runs comparatively well, because if you've got 30, 35 kids in the classroom, if they weren't following the rules, my God, what chaos would be.

Speaker 1: 27:26

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, since you've been doing this for so many years, like, what are some of the themes that you see, some of the same issues that come up, that that you would want to tell the listeners about?

Speaker 2: 27:40

Right. The first thing is the parents not taking ownership of what's going on for them and meeting making sure that they're meeting their own needs. That's the first thing they have to do. Lots of them, rather than looking at what problems they might have, they blame it on the children. So you have to really, if you like, look in the mirror, hold up that magnifying glass and say what can I do better for myself? That then will impact in a positive way to the family.

Speaker 2: 28:12

You know, am I taking too much on at work? Have I got pressures? Am I stressed? Am I bringing work home? And is that eating into my quality time with my kids? Because you have to really look at that and say OK, if you're not being paid for that extra time, say to your boss if they're not listening properly. Hopefully they will just say you're giving me too much stuff, so the work I was doing is suffering. But if you take a little bit off and let me finish my work load I'm doing at the moment, that will get done and then you can give me another lot. And if you need to say I've just looked at my contract and my contract is such and such an hour to this hour and I'm not working weekends because I don't and I don't work evenings. So I'm no longer doing this anymore because I'm sticking to my contract and my home life is the most important thing for my children. So you know, really, sort of stick to your guns, like that.

Speaker 2: 29:11

And the other thing is consistency. If you're putting in boundaries, you have to get everybody sat round and tell them the reason why you want to put the routines in the boundaries and get people in. You know, get everyone involved. Like, what sort of routines do you think we need for the house? You know, is it bedtime, watching television, sharing the bathroom? You know all sorts of things. And you put it in a context that everyone understands and then you sort of say, ok, well, if things are going well, how can we honor this? How can I reward you in that one?

Speaker 2: 29:47

It's not financial reward, it can be something really simple, like we look at the end of the week who's done what? If you're done really well, do you want to choose a movie we'll watch on the Friday evening? Or one of them might say, ok, I'll choose a movie. Well, ok, this week you will choose that movie. So what would you like to get someone else to choose a favorite meal that they want to have so it's simple or an outing they want to do together as a family unit on the weekend, or something, so lots of things like that and then also put in the consequences. If things aren't going well, what do you think we should do? You know, and it could be grounding. At the worst thing it could be removing something that they really like.

Speaker 2: 30:28

Usually the mobile phone works for limited times but also have limited time of using the mobile phone, because too many of us, including adults, are using it 24 seven and it's not healthy because it's stopping that proper communication that you should be having. And, for example, sit round a table and have all your meals together around a table without the phone, put it on silent and stick it on the corner of a work surface All sorts of simple things like that. But I have 100 percent look after your own needs and treat those first as adults, because if you can't look after yourself, how can you look after your children? Then, be completely available for your children when you are in their time and make quality time with each child in the evening or the day or whatever, even if it's 10, 15 minutes, so they know certain children will go to bed earlier, so you can go in there, you can read them a story and have quality time in that respect. Or a bath time Make the bath fun, bath playing, talk and engage, so it's not just a quick dip in and a quick out.

Speaker 2: 31:38

And then your teens when everyone, the younger ones, are out of your hair, you can have time to talk to them, but let them know that you're approachable as well that you'll always listen to them. So if they come over to you and want you to listen to them and maybe just sound out what's been going on, if you don't put that phone down, if you don't give them a hundred percent attention and look at them If you're necessary, turn the TV off and say come on up, this is your time, tell me what's going on, what can I help you with? But you have to be there for them to show that you're interested in what they do. Yeah, that's all the time. Knowing who their friends are, knowing what they like, knowing what's happening in their life. Loads of parents don't even know their best friend, have no idea where they go, when they go out, have no idea of contact numbers and they don't check up on them, which they should do.

Speaker 1: 32:38

Yeah, what I found is that how do I wish I was treated when I was younger. But then sometimes we just forget. We get caught up in our day-to-day, like you said, with work and the house and stuff, and then you just forget that you were a child too once and you have to remind yourself like this is how I wish I was approached or this is, and so I have to give myself pep talks every now and then and just remember to sit still and listen to them.

Speaker 2: 33:11

And show empathy towards them and let them know I mean the way they learn. They watch you all the time, as I was telling you, and so you have to be the one that shows the right direction of how to handle your emotions. If you're angry, okay, it's fine to be angry and be cross, but you don't go around smashing your fist in the wall. You show them how, in a different way, you can think oh, I'm feeling a bit frustrated, I'm gonna go for a walk and pump that anger out, just put the record on and just dance it out. Do something, you know. So you're teaching them that it's all right to feel those negative emotions as well as they're happy. And if you feel tearful, cry, as long as you don't sob and break down completely on the floor, you know. But show them there are tears of happiness, there are tears of sadness, and if you show that, especially children who have been brought up in a domestic violence environment, they're on tender hooks anyway.

Speaker 2: 34:12

And if the mum is keeping that tightly in and not showing any form of emotion, their child can't show that either. So the child locks it in. I used to do emotional abuse, domestic abuse groups for women and also with the children and it was vital that the mum could show that and say I'm sad because of this has happened and how are you feeling. And it gives the opportunity of the child to say I'm not having a good day and I'm frightened, I'm whatever. But if you don't, as an adult, show those feelings and express certain things obviously in a child-focused way in language, your child will keep it all locked in. They might say I won't say this because if I mentioned daddy, that upset mummy and it's all sorts of things like that, and they love their dad most of the time, even if things have gone wrong, they still want their daddy.

Speaker 1: 35:09

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 35:11

And if you can't talk about it, it's really hard for a child.

Speaker 1: 35:15

No, that's great advice. I really appreciate it. Is there anything else that you would want to let people know that we haven't touched on?

Speaker 2: 35:25

I think there's just, first of all, is don't compare yourself to other people other families, neighbors, friends because your family is different from theirs, because of your makeup and your children's makeup, and you have to. There's no such thing as perfect parenting and we're always going to make mistakes, but it's a learning curve and it's a 24-7 for life learning curve. So all you can do is, if things haven't worked out when you've tried something, learn from it and try not to repeat the bad mistakes and just keep in the positive way you're doing and give yourself a pat on the back, say I'm trying my best. Or look at what thinking what can I try that's different? That would be more beneficial. If this didn't work, there was always some other solution and if you need help, ask for help, whether it's from a specialist or whether it's from someone like me, or whether it's from standing off with friends. Just don't be on your own, because parenting, if you've got kids who've gone through it, but some people who don't have children, well, they're still aunts and uncles to children.

Speaker 1: 36:45

So yeah that's great and don't believe.

Speaker 2: 36:49

When you read all these baby books again, it's like seeing the efforts on the TV. I've never seen an advert on a television where the child is messy covered in food or the mother's all be dragled because she hasn't slept all night. It's everyone's hunky-dory, everyone's smiling. Oh yeah, that's not life, that's not reality. And same with the parenting books. If you read them through yeah, user tips, try them. But if you actually treat it like a Bible, like gospel, and you think I've tried all these things and in this book it's saying this should work, this should work, and it doesn't, you feel like you're a failure because you think, well, why hasn't it worked for me?

Speaker 2: 37:30

Yes but this is only someone else's opinion. That's been written. You've got to try and navigate it yourself and you know your kids better than anybody else.

Speaker 1: 37:42

Yeah, I love that. That's great, great, great input. I thank you so much. So you do a lot of your work through Zoom, I'm assuming. Since you're all the way in the UK, when can we find you? If anybody wants to do one-on-one with you, where can we find you?

Speaker 2: 37:59

Right. My website is life-change-coachingcouk and in there you can scroll down and you can book a free exploratory session on Zoom with me for 30 minutes, just to tell me more about what's going on and what's your main issue that you're struggling with. Then I can tell you about what I do, my coaching, my coaching packages, and we'll see if coaching is right for you. Most of the time it is, but sometimes it's not. But you're under no obligation to sort of just because you've spoken to me to join me on my packages but I hope you do, and it's just because I've had all this knowledge and I just like people and I don't think parents should feel their failures or they can't move on, because I believe everybody, whether it's an individual or a parent, we can all make changes within ourselves and within our situation to improve our situation. But to do that you've got to be able to step out of your comfort zone, out of your bad habits, and you make small steps first, but once you start doing them it gets easier.

Speaker 1: 39:14

Yeah, well, thank you, kathy. I'm gonna make sure that I put your link in the show notes on this episode and if there's not anything else that you wanna share, I would love for you to come back. If you ever want anything else to talk about, I love yeah.

Speaker 2: 39:29

I would love to. Yeah, I love return gas. I've got lots of notes there.

Speaker 1: 39:31

Yeah, thank you so much. You've been such a pleasure. It's a real pleasure and I thank you again for reaching out, because I love talking to new people and getting a different perspective, especially when it comes to parenting. That's a big thing for me.

Speaker 2: 39:41

Yes, Well, thank you parents out there who are listening.

Speaker 1: 39:45

Oh yeah, thank you so much, I appreciate it.

Speaker 2: 39:48

Thank you.

Speaker 1: 39:50

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