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Virago 24/7
Virago 24/7 is a podcast for women who are done shrinking.
I’m your host, Lyanette Talley—mother, wife, truth-teller, and warrior in progress.
Here is where we unlearn silence, honor our roots, and reclaim our voices.
We talk real life—identity, marriage, motherhood, leadership, and healing—with boldness and truth.
If you’ve ever been told you’re too loud, too much, or too ambitious...
You’re exactly where you need to be.
This is everyday growth. Everyday healing. For everyday warriors.
We’re not shrinking. We’re taking up space.
Virago 24/7
Men of Virago: Modern Dating and Marriage Part 1
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As the confetti settles on another festive New Year's celebration, I, Lyanette Talley, alongside Justin, Philip, and Milky, take a heartfelt look at the roads we've traveled and the paths we're carving out for the future. Our heartfelt exchange kicks off with a toast to our goals for 2024!
Journey with us through the world of dating apps where we chuckle over the tug-of-war between a captivating bio and a striking profile pic—a modern-day quandary that just might be reshaping our social finesse. As we swap tales from the trenches of dating and marriage, expect a rollicking ride from the peculiar pet peeves that test our patience in partnerships to the light bulb moments that keep the flames of romance flickering. And let's not skirt around the elephant in the room; we're tackling the nitty-gritty of keeping that spark alive in marriage, from the "dating" of your spouse to navigating the intricate dance of communication and appreciation.
But it's not all laughs and romance—Justin, Philip, and I wade into the heavier currents of marriage, unpacking the hefty luggage of regrets, the sting of infidelity, and the daunting prospect of forgiveness. In a poignant pivot, we contemplate the layered roles of parenting and gender expectations, challenging societal norms and embracing the evolving dynamics of modern families. So refill your glass and join our candid conversation as we face the joys and trials of life with the unguarded honesty you've come to expect from Virago 24-7.
Go to my website http://www.virago247.net for all things Virago 24/7
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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!
Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley
Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world. We share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. Hello, my men of Virago, hello, hello, how we doing, how we doing. Justin, Philip, Milky. Happy new year, happy new year.
Speaker 2How you?
Speaker 1guys feeling in the new year.
Speaker 2Feeling good. Awesome, we got some news. What news do we have? We bought a condo in.
Speaker 1Oh, I thought we were going to have a baby or something. Yeah, we did. It's been a long. I was just going to ask any goals, because we don't do resolutions. We set goals and if we don't accomplish it that year, we like move it to the next year and to the next year, to the next year. So, yeah, we always wanted to own something by the beach.
Speaker 2And we closed yesterday. Woo congratulations.
Speaker 4Thank you, I totally forgot about that it's scary, but I'm excited.
Speaker 1So cheers to that, yes, cheers.
Speaker 4Cheers to our new free weekend vacation home in Los Angeles.
Speaker 1Amen to that, family discounts, cheers. Do you guys have any goals for the year?
Speaker 4I have a goal to stay at Tybee Island Cottage.
Speaker 1I'm.
Speaker 4Airbnb.
Speaker 3Besides that, besides that, I want to read more books and also I think this is a year that I become a full-time student, and tough, that's right. Yes, so still not official yet, but it seems like it's coming. That would be in the fall, that would be in the summer, in the summer, in the week of July, nice.
Speaker 1Got a doctor in the making. Everybody, yep yeah.
Speaker 4I love it. Love it, justin, you want to read more books.
Speaker 1I want to read more books too.
Speaker 4I'm not a big book reader, but, let's see, I'm a big book reader. The one thing on my mind is my Tesla. I think that's a goal for me.
Speaker 1Who are you going to get a Tesla?
Speaker 4That's my goal. Oh, we're getting a Tesla, yeah.
Speaker 1It's a drive down to Tabby.
Speaker 4My other goal would be I'm coaching my son's soccer team as well as my daughter's soccer team, so 14 new girls and 10 new boys in the spring Nice. I'm very excited about that, very excited. Nice Continuation from the fall, from the fall, yeah, yeah. So my goal for that would be to end the season on a high note, just like we did. We played really well in our last game and so just continue that growth for all of the players. Look at you, coach Justin.
Speaker 1Coach Machado, I did it for one season and I was like yeah, like who volunteered me for this time?
Speaker 4It was too much. It's a lot.
Speaker 2So I give you all the respect.
Speaker 1All right, Philip, any goals for you?
Speaker 2Again, my goal is to be intentional, continue to I don't know to be just to grow as a person. I got to figure out what book we're going to read next for our men's group. That's going to be the guys giving me input on what they want to read. I got one Starting in February. Okay, Good, I got one on the list.
Speaker 1Aw, look at your little men's group.
Speaker 2It's so cute and we enjoy it. We really enjoy it. It's a good fellowship with the guys. So to continue to grow that group and for me and just be intentional when it comes to my work and probably do some consulting I'm the site is what I want to do. I met with my consultant today and we're going to try to partner up and do some things. And we got a business plan and we actually put things in writing and give me a website.
Speaker 1That's exciting.
Speaker 2And I did some things like that.
Speaker 1Cool. Well, your guys show. Our show was a hit. We got great feedback, so we need to do this.
Speaker 3Really yeah. What are the feedbacks?
Speaker 1The feedback is that you guys were hilarious and entertaining, so I am happy to have you guys back. And they love Justin. Yes, they love Justin. Milky is so cute and I would love to continue to do this with you guys, so I'm happy to have you guys back.
Speaker 3So keep the same energy, then Keep the same energy.
Speaker 1Tell your witty stories.
Speaker 4Milky. Keep drinking, that miscalculation, keep drinking.
Speaker 1So we can hear about your dating stories? No, I'm reading over these questions that were given and I'm trying to figure out where to start, because these are getting a little deeper.
Speaker 4Just go off into the deep end A little deeper.
Speaker 1So let me just throw one that's not so deep. And this is from our 13 year old daughter, and she heard I was doing this. She's like I have a question. Why do men not go deep with each other when they hang out? This is from our 13 year old Korynn.
Speaker 4I'll say this amongst my friends there's some times we do get deep. I know in our sessions we do. We think a lot. We have discussions where we're really thinking a lot. I think we go deep. I think there's just women don't see that side, because it's different. So I don't think I can talk to my wife or a friend, a girlfriend in the same way that I would talk to my homies. It's very different Wait.
Speaker 1so you guys go deep. We just don't know about it.
Speaker 4Yeah, I think, for real, that's what it is.
Speaker 3Sometimes I feel that also, guys, it takes time for us to see who we could trust also so we could talk about a certain subject, but once we find that person, it's definitely very beneficial and it's very therapeutic.
Speaker 4Yeah, I'm going to tell you, we're very lucky to have people like that in our lives. There's a lot of people out there who don't. It's tough, but when you do find it and you can find it in everyday settings, but when you do find it it's making that first step towards vulnerability and opening up to a homie. I'm also like actually that puts it on the thing I invited my neighbor who just got married and I'm not putting it on blast because nobody knows him and nobody knows where I live but my neighbor just got married. They have two kids together and he's just in his first marriage. Everything he's brand new to the game and it's very interesting and I don't think he has anywhere to talk about it, but he's a very smart man and I think it's so interesting and I told him about it. He considered it. I was very close to getting a mirror.
Speaker 1Well, we like new voices. So just keep working on him, Justin, Because I do want variety too, because different perspectives will be fun. All right, so they go deep guys. We just don't know about it.
Speaker 4Yeah, sorry, ladies.
Speaker 2Sorry, sorry, just a point, right I think what Milky just mentioned is that which is not as quick to open up maybe as females will, because I think females just kind of open up their emotional beings anyway. And for us we have to be in the right setting. You know, and I think it's cool for us to like with our men's group that we meet once a month and we read a book and we're kind of our book club and you know, we get into topics and discussions and we know about each other's personal life and it's really cool. But you know, and as each meeting happens, we get a little deeper. But I think females get a deeper a lot quicker and a lot sooner, and it doesn't matter who it is or you know what I'm saying, but for us, yeah, it takes a little bit.
Speaker 4Actually you tapped into. I don't think a guy would like two weeks into a friendship and be like, hey, bro, so like you know me and the why, and you start going into like deep things, what do you feel about this? You know, I don't think that that's happens.
Speaker 1I mean I think it just we see more super like surface relationships. I mean I don't think I would after two weeks go deep, or or they think or they think I'm going deep, but I'm only sharing what. I don't get with them about.
Speaker 4I just got back from North Carolina. I was just sitting on a bench waiting, you know, having to be with my brother-in-law, and this lady from Florida decides to tell me her entire life story Like just sitting there. She's lonely.
Speaker 1No her husband was right oh you can be lonely and have people around you and still be lonely. Oh, and she was just telling you her whole life story A whole life story.
Speaker 4I can tell you like I was there for Naples. Her name was Susan. She was drunk, but no, she was a really nice old lady, really nice old lady, very, very nice old lady who just I don't think she appreciate you calling her old, but continue. I know. Thank you.
Speaker 2Thank you, she knows she knows, she knows she was old Like what's old.
Speaker 4What's old, justin? What's old, I don't know, probably in her in late 67. You just offended a whole group of people.
Speaker 1Isn't that?
Speaker 4old I'm not old.
Dating Apps and Relationships
Speaker 1Just say that for you. Okay, this one actually this is a good one Shiny wants to know for the single guy Milky, are you on dating apps? Gosh, you're not on dating apps, so this one's not good for you. I thought you were on dating apps. No, because she wanted to know what do you look for? Do you read the bios or you just go for looks? So maybe we can just do a hypothetical Men are looking at the looks. Come on now, let's be honest, first and foremost. Yes, yeah, who's reading bios?
Speaker 2After you look at the picture. After you look at the pictures yeah, it's after the picture. Yeah, but I kind of would say like oh no, I do.
Speaker 4I read it for the bios.
Speaker 3You're not looking at the picture and reading the bio first and then looking at the picture.
Speaker 1Okay, what if she's like super hot? Then the bio doesn't really matter. She can say she, I don't know.
Speaker 2It still matters the thing to know what you want to app for.
Speaker 1Like you, don't like cats.
Speaker 2I hate cats.
Speaker 1But if she says she likes cats but she's hot, you'd be like, okay, I'll just take some allergy medicine. You say that now. You say that now, but no, yeah.
Speaker 2I wouldn't do that now.
Speaker 1I know, but back in the day back in the day.
Speaker 2I need to take some Zertec before I talk. Speaking of old.
Speaker 3Exactly. I can tell you the reason why you don't do dating app and it's yeah.
Speaker 3I would love to know Because I feel like and I might be wrong, this is just my, my train of thought. An example chat, GBT, the new artificial intelligence Like if I rely on that then I lose my skills and other things in studying. So I feel like dating app is just so easy that it just it will take away my ability to just walk to somebody and say hey, yes, if you walk up to 100 people and you might find 50, that will reject you and stuff like that. But I'll say that's part of the process, you know and.
Speaker 3I just don't want to lose that, I feel like I will, but it's called.
Speaker 4It's called Riz. You don't want to lose your wrist, riz, riz, look at you, 2023. He said you're not old, justin, you're not old. No, I'm here on God. No cap, no, cap, no cap.
Speaker 1If the young children were here, they'd be modified. I love it. I love it, that's good. I think that's good. I mean, yeah, a lot of my friends have met and gotten married through dating apps.
Speaker 4I'm not going to give a shout out to a lot of people. Every one I know I've all met on apps, On the apps.
Speaker 1So this is still in the dating realm and this is also a Chinese question. Do you recognize if you go for the same person, and if so, is it working for you, milky, and then for the married men? Did you go in a different direction with the person you married versus the women you dated? All right, shani, making it difficult for the men's.
Speaker 3In my particular experience, there is no trend I like to. One of the particular things that I like is just because I feel like food is my love language. Is I like somebody who could cook? Just because I just like food. My Instagram is no less food, but it hasn't been a trend. I've been with people who don't cook and I've been with people who do cook and it's just.
Speaker 1So they're all different yeah it's very different, very diverse. Whoever gives you attention, you give attention back. No, I'm kidding. No, that's good. Justin, you dated a lot, I did.
Speaker 4You did too, Phillip.
Speaker 1So, did you guys the person that you married? Are they different than the people that you dated or kind of stuck with your in your lane?
Speaker 4Yeah, I kind of ended up in my lane, I guess. I guess you could say yeah, I ended up in my lane, I didn't stray far, I picked a good girl.
Speaker 2Same.
Speaker 1No, you can't say that just because I'm here, he's like same.
Speaker 2Boring. I mean I think the deal was dating. You do have a type. Well, I had a type, and anytime I swayed from that type, I realized why I had a type. So what's your type?
Speaker 1I don't think the girls he dated were loud. I think I came with an extra feature.
Speaker 2You definitely were the exception to a lot of rules. That's funny, but yes, there is a type.
Speaker 1There's definitely a type. All right, I want to know. I don't remember asking this question or writing this down. What is it about women that bother you? It could be anything. Everything I mean wait what. It could be anything, but not everything, justin. Yeah, what do we do that?
Speaker 3bother you. So this happened to me a few months ago I think it was a holiday or something and I had a friend who came over and so I lived by myself. Everything is fine. She came over and she didn't do anything wrong. She was polite. She met a few of my cousins that live here. She met a few of my friends. We had a great time. But I noticed something that bothered me and it's something that I feel that's very common and it was like we were supposed to go out and she took two hours in the bathroom to get ready and she wasn't ready yet. Me living by myself, I just had to sit there for two hours. Well, me living by myself, just like in only one bathroom, and I'm like, okay, well, did she have beer or?
Speaker 4anything in the fridge, I'd be like yo. Can I help myself to slow?
Speaker 3down. No, this isn't his. This is my.
Speaker 1Oh, she was at your place, she was in my place, oh wait.
Speaker 3What? And she took. So I went to Publix. I got the prices I needed to get.
Speaker 4And when I got he ran errands.
Speaker 3And when I came in she was still getting ready and I'm like, so I didn't want to be like that guy, like all right, hurry up, Like we got. But I'm like, oh my gosh, Okay, what was she doing?
Speaker 1Did she wear a ton of?
Speaker 3makeup. She was putting her man. That doesn't take that long Makeup and I don't know, but that was that bothered me.
Speaker 1That's for the rest of your life, Milky, Just know that when you pick the one that you're going to marry, that's going to be always yeah don't do that, so I was thinking about maybe they getting an apartment or a house with two bathrooms.
Speaker 3You think that was yeah.
Speaker 1And tell her five hours.
Speaker 4She must be fine, because he's already talking to accommodations. Yeah.
Speaker 2Listen, I wear makeup. I don't wear lashes, but I wear makeup and I do my hair.
Speaker 1Come to your house already, and it does not take two hours Huh.
Speaker 3Oh, because she lived out of states.
Speaker 1Oh, she was staying. She was staying in a gestion, she was visiting oh okay. He was providing sleeping arrangements.
Speaker 3No housing, everybody houses, that's it.
Speaker 1So two hours it sounded like you were patient, does she?
Speaker 3apologize. At least she did apologize, but it wasn't like her apology did not do anything for how I felt I was like all right, whatever, let's just get out of here Until later. Oh you were there.
Speaker 4I know how this story is.
Speaker 1She's from there. He forgot he's staying at my place. He forgot about it later in the evening. It did bother him.
Speaker 4That's why he was talking about the accommodations right there. What about you?
Speaker 2guys For me. Oh my goodness, what was the word Did you use? What irritates you the most? What bothers you? What bothers you the most when someone assumes things?
Speaker 1Well, you've been hating me for years, then Because I've been assuming a lot over the past few years. That's the truth We've had arguments. But you were highly irritated when I was assuming that's very true To me, I don't know.
Speaker 2My biggest pet peeve is the feeling like someone is taking advantage of you or disregarding you or disrespecting you in certain ways.
Speaker 1Did you have that in any of your dating scenarios where you were like I'm not doing this, I'm not?
Speaker 2without a doubt. I have my rules and I'm just done.
Speaker 1Give me a story. What's her name, where she from?
Speaker 2One example, One little assumption I'm dating someone and then we're at church and this girl is singing at our church and she's singing really well. She's going to sing at our wedding and we've only been dating for like I don't know a week or two. No, that was a red flag.
Speaker 4A week or two that was just like oh, that was a joke. She knew why you keep, why you keep going bad, I know I was like oh no, we're done.
Speaker 2Girl, she's going to sing at our wedding. We're done.
Speaker 1Maybe she knew. You know how, when people know that they found the wine, she knew. Yeah, she wasn't the one. She didn't need months, she just needed a week or two, and I knew two things.
Speaker 2I knew two things. Let's see what's not there. Just take it slow, just don't. Sometimes women talk too much, too quickly, too early when it comes to situations. When it comes to that, just let it. Just let it be organic, let it just happen and stuff. Okay, what do you think about this? I mean, when you said this well, you know, what do you think our children's names going to?
Speaker 1be oh damn.
Speaker 2You know, this when they start going to that type of thing, or have you?
Speaker 4done that Milk people I know.
Speaker 2I bet I've grown and you milked like that. I bet you milked like that. That don't really need to be talked about at that moment. Yeah, and like hey, that's just Tuesday.
Speaker 3Well, remember that situation. I was telling you um to love. When I was telling you about the girl I meant and it was like a week and a half for us meeting and she was already talking about how are we going to divide our financial situation. She told me right away she doesn't want a roommate.
Speaker 4So I'm going to tell you, I'm going to tell you, I actually think that that's kind of sexy. Like it's hard to get women to talk about stuff like that, yeah, but like financial.
Speaker 3But how long were you dating? We were dating for like a week and a half or something like that.
Speaker 4It's too soon, Justin.
Speaker 1Can we just like easy breezy just hang out.
Speaker 4I mean, we get to that point we can talk about. Yeah, it was like, but not right now. Girl, calm down.
Speaker 1I don't know if that's sex. If I were a guy, that would be a turn off.
Speaker 4Yeah.
Speaker 1It's just too much. Let's just like I just met you. I don't even know you, like that, I don't even know if we're going to share finances. So like, why are we talking about this?
Continuing to Date Your Spouse
Speaker 2Yeah, let's share a meal. Yeah, let's go Dutch.
Speaker 1I think women get excited Like this could be the one, because we're taught to. That's what we're, that's, that's our end game in our lives. It's a man.
Speaker 2I get it, but yeah. So what is yours, justin? What are your?
Speaker 4whatever takes me the most is when you're driving home from after work and your wife calls you and tells you hey, can you go, please pick up this from here.
Speaker 1That you don't want to veer, off course. You just want to get home.
Speaker 4That drives me in like into a ditch, oh damn.
Speaker 3My question is does he appreciate it when you bring it or is like oh okay.
Speaker 4No, I'm. Yeah, it's medicine or it's such and such. They need this for school. Yeah, all this other stuff. You don't want to do that.
Speaker 2What if it's not something? That's not something, that's not even worse.
Speaker 4No, but if it's like oh, but you get a six pack of beer, oh, yeah, yeah, I'll stop Priority.
Speaker 1Oh my gosh, he said he will drive off the ditch.
Speaker 4Oh my gosh. No, that's very irritating. What women do Dang.
Speaker 1I mean, sometimes I'm like, hey, do you feel I ask you do? Are you okay? Do you feel like picking up? Yeah, but if you don't, you don't, it's not that big of a deal.
Speaker 2That's true. You do say that.
Speaker 1You always say that, but I know the reason. He always says yes, that was an ending.
Speaker 2Do you feel like grilling today? Do you feel like picking up some milk?
Speaker 4Oh man, that's what I do, Do you?
Speaker 1feel like grilling tonight Because I can season to me.
Speaker 2You know, I always want to grill, so that's how it is. Yeah, 100%, 100%.
Speaker 1Oh, since you feel like grilling, can you go pick up the meat and the sides? What sides would you like? See, yeah, you gotta be smart, ladies.
Speaker 2You gotta be smart.
Speaker 1You gotta just like you know, make them feel like they're making the decisions All right. So on to the next. We have a lot of Corey questions. He really helped out with this one. But before we get to those, shiny had one last question. It says this is for the married men with the men that you know, or even milk, milk. You couldn't chime in, because it's either the men that you know or yourselves. Do you still see that these men are dating their wives?
Speaker 2No, oh no, definitely not. And it's funny, we're reading this book, right, we're more like roommates In our, in our um, my other men's group, with the church and we're reading this book called um Wild at Heart. Wild at Heart, yes, and so one of the things that Wild at Heart talks about is pursuing your, pursuing Eve. Having pursuing Eve and you dating the pursuit that's what men love. There's the pursuit of someone, and you know all the movies, all the shows is about. You know the guy winning the girl. And once you win the girl, then what do you do? And the author talks about you have to continue to date your wife. You have to continue to pursue your wife. You have to continue to do the things you get to woo her and do it on a consistent basis. And most of the guys in the group are like, hmm, I already got it, what do I need to do that?
Speaker 1So that's horrible, by the way, I will say this they're honest. Yes, we appreciate the honesty and that's what happened and their focus.
Speaker 2Most people that focus on the kids and then, when kids are gone, you with your wife, you're like who are you? I don't even know you anymore. You're not the same person I dated 20, 30 years ago.
Speaker 3That's so sad, yeah, but I feel like that's something that happens subconsciously. It's not that they make the decision to be like oh yeah, but I also add well, this is a question for you, leena, is it um? Does the female play a part in this or no?
Speaker 1I think so A thousand percent. I think women get way caught up in these kids and these kids are not going to be around that long, or maybe we don't. Yeah, I think it goes both ways, to be honest, and I think the way humans think, it's like, well, if he's not doing, I'm not going to do it, and then he's thinking, well, she's not doing that. So it's like this vicious cycle.
Speaker 1You have to be very intentional, like when I see that we're not, um, because people see us being very connected. But it's so intentional too, like if I feel like, damn, it's been like a month or two that we haven't like had a one on one, I'm very vocal about it. I'm like I need you to ask me out on a date. I feel like people get married and then they're afraid to communicate, you know. So it definitely goes both ways. I think women get way caught up in kids, um, and sometimes treating the man like they're part of, like they're the child, a child too, and and I don't know. I see a lot of things that I'm just like.
Speaker 3I'm just going to keep my mouth shut over here. You know what nickname I hate is when girls call me baby. I hate that. You don't like it. No, I don't like it. It's like like, like you said, like eventually you're like that's what I'm going to become. You're a kid. Yeah, I just don't know, wow.
Speaker 4So what do you like? For them to call you Master? No, please no.
Speaker 3My god. Then we got it yeah.
Speaker 1But yes, I do agree with you. Okay, I'm not that it does go both ways. I think women we get lax just as much as men do. I mean, sometimes we have to put forth an effort. We know that men are visual creatures. So if they see something they want they're going to continue to want to get it Right. So I don't know. I think it goes both ways so, and I might have some haters out there saying that- it does go both ways, so it's on both percent goes both.
Speaker 3It's on both, just a few effort.
Speaker 2Because it can't be. Yeah, it's like what do you? I think it's, I think Milky has mentioned you know what were you doing when we were dating Mm.
Speaker 1hmm, you know it's the same thing.
Speaker 2What was the guy doing?
Speaker 1Yeah, when was the?
Speaker 2woman doing. When was the woman doing when we were dating? Yeah, you know you, you you weren't. What did you say? What was the term? You said you weren't wearing that.
Speaker 3Right, right, like what made you, what made me want to pursue you by then. And now. That is not. You know, it's not.
Speaker 1So you're trying to say is the women kind of sits back and still wants to be pursued, but they're not doing the same things that they did, but but they're still expecting these results that they had before, right and again.
Speaker 3I'm not like a marriage counselor or nothing like that. I might need you guys once I get married and ask a lot of questions. But my thing is, like we all agreed in the beginning of the podcast that, guys, we get attracted by the physical right, mm hmm. So and then we read the bio. All this stuff is very interesting and all. So we already know the bio cause we've been married to you. I don't know if I don't want to sound like you.
Speaker 1You, you are scared that people are going to come after you. Milky, I already know what you're trying to say.
Speaker 3We're in a different world, that if we say certain things, people take it a different way. But the reality of the fact is that, yes, we as guys, we need to pursue, but it would just take a little bit of encouragement Let me just say that for us to just do it more naturally. Mm. Hmm, there you go. I mean, what do you think, justin? I?
Speaker 4don't know, I don't think it's dating. I don't like saying dating my wife, because the relationship is different when you were dating. You have a different mindset as a young person trying to find you know the one, and so saying that you're dating, I think it's more. I think it's more appropriate to say something like connected, like make sure that you're connecting with you, know your spouse. It'll run up on you where it's like wait, I haven't, we haven't gone out on on just you and me in two months. Like that's a long time. Like that's a long time.
Speaker 1Well, and for me it's not. It's not necessarily that we have to go somewhere. I mean, we can be at home, but we're still connecting. Yeah, Like hey, let's just sit over here, turn the TV off, let's talk.
Speaker 4Yes.
Expectations and Communication in Marriage
Speaker 1Let's, let's. We haven't talked in a while, Like not, not, you know, obviously we all talk to each other, but like deep, like deep things or or big things, Cause sometimes we don't have the energy. It's like I just want to sit and watch my housewives. Oh my gosh, it's so good, so good. So I was like yeah, so it's not necessary. I think people think we have to get up and we have to have the money and we have to go out.
Speaker 2That's not it.
Speaker 1So I like that word connecting but dating sounds so good too.
Speaker 2Cause dating is so much?
Speaker 1fun. That's so much fun I don't mind the word dating your wife, but you feel young again.
Speaker 2Okay, you got to connect. You do need to connect when you do it. They are similar. They are similar but it is. It is the connection again with your wife, cause I think we get so caught up in life I mean day to day working the grind, dealing with other people then sometimes you want to just come home and just disconnect. But you can't disconnect that often from your wife. You gotta connect and you know, find out what's happening.
Speaker 1It's very doable and it's very. You have to be intentional.
Speaker 2You have to be intentional. It's not. You don't get married and all of a sudden, everything is beautiful, yeah, and you have more kids and everything's even better than that. That's the fairy tale, that's the TV.
Speaker 1So this question kind of goes hand in hand with that. So what are your expectations from your significant other? We want them to be sexy and, you know, not provocative but enticing, yeah.
Speaker 4What else Dinner? When I get home, I have laundry completed, folded, folded away and put. Let's see what else. Drink ready, drink ready. Yes, yes, yes, drink ready.
Speaker 1The children bathed in quiet in their rooms.
Speaker 2I think they're all in the middle Expectations. That's a good one. Who has that question?
Speaker 1So the rest of these questions are from Corey. Corey is one of you guys. He's a guy and he really Expectations.
Speaker 2You know what? I expect my wife to be intentional, to ask questions, to Not assume, not assume. To want to grow and be better. I definitely want my wife to continue to grow and be better Because I think if you're not growing, you're dying, you're not really living, you're just existing.
Speaker 1Some people don't like to grow.
Speaker 2They're just where they are. That's true. You know what Most people sometimes like to be with each other. Hey, we're here. We've been in this place for a long time, it's fine and we're happy, and we do the same thing. It's Taco Tuesdays and we do the same post-sync mode.
Speaker 1I mean, I don't like it, I couldn't live without it.
Speaker 2I mean, I love routine. Believe me, I love routine, but I do like to be challenged. I do like someone to I don't know make me better, because I feel like that's how I grow, because I'm competitive in nature. So I like someone to challenge me to improve and grow and be better than I was the year before.
Speaker 1Besides a home cooked meal. Oh, the home cooked meal. Aside from that, because that's a given.
Speaker 4The expectation is living up to the commitment. The expectation is understanding there's nothing in the world that I would ever do or we can't do together, and so just knowing that that is the commitment part From that day, that trust is there always and it'll never be broken. So that commitment part like they can thin ups and downs everything, 100% committed. So I expect the same thing for me. So when things get bad, yeah, they're bad, but when things get great, we make an effort to continue and to grow from that and then to continue the relationship growing together. It's all about that commitment. So that's my expectation.
Speaker 3My question is so is this something you discuss periodically or is this something just a one-time conversation? My other question is what if the year significantly doesn't agree with your expectation? Like, how do you handle that?
Speaker 2That's why it's like you just say it is it something you discuss 100%? You have to communicate that. Because you're not communicating, you know what you're gonna assume.
Speaker 1I don't know. I think a lot of those need to be answered, somewhat answered, because obviously, when you're Prior to yeah way prior to marrying somebody and I think that's what people make the mistake it's like, well, once we get married, maybe this will change. It's not gonna change people. It gets worse, it gets more magnified. But is it a one-time conversation? No, it's constant.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's multiple conversations.
Speaker 1Yeah, it's-.
Speaker 2The same thing, and you know what? It's not even the same thing. Sometimes it's layers, because there's different layers of growth that someone needs I need you to grow in this, I need you to grow in this or I need to grow in this but no one has one little area that they need to grow in. And I love what Justin said, because I always say that jokingly with Leonette a marriage is a commitment to grow together. And that's what a marriage is it is a commitment to grow together, good or bad. You know like I always joke with Leonette and you know like she's my ride or die, no matter what, I don't have anybody else.
Speaker 1I know I have Lyanette. I don't know if I wanna die, but all right, I'm just like why do I gotta die? This is right.
Speaker 2But through good bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Speaker 1Yeah, milky, you're gonna have to communicate a ton, and when that kind of breaks down, it's gonna be really difficult for you. So you need to find someone who's willing to come to the table.
Speaker 2That wants to communicate.
Speaker 1Because sometimes you're gonna have stupid ass, difficult conversations and you gotta be willing to like stay in it.
Speaker 3I'm going through a weird cycle in these last maybe three weeks, and it's so. I'm 36 years old and I already went through the stage of a lot of my friends getting married and now I'm going through the stage that most of them are actually getting divorced. Ooh right, and hearing their stories firsthand, just hearing it, just listening, and just kinda like like dang, it's so hard, it's so difficult. And then sometimes we don't, we don't or society just don't see how much guys suffer through all this stuff, like really suffer. And so with my friends I have really good relationship, just like I have with you guys. So the things that I hear is just this is wow. And because I know Dr Talley, I ask a lot of the questions that Phillip says he talks about did you tell her that? Did you communicate that? Did you this and that? But I noticed a tendency and a lot of my friends who've been divorced is that the female gets to the point that she just doesn't talk or complain anymore, she just shuts down.
Speaker 1She's done. Oh, she done, she been done. And then he's talking.
Speaker 2No isn't that too late?
Speaker 3And I told him like yeah, she just told you. Then she tells him we're done. I was like well, she just told you that, but she was done a long time ago. Oh yeah, a thousand percent, she was done a long time ago. You just didn't know that. She's just telling you now. So where did it?
Speaker 1like it's, it's it's, it's, but was she asking these things of him before and then now? Now that I'm done, now you want to come in and do the work? No, no man. I've been telling you this, I've been telling you this, I've told you this yeah, Right, right.
Speaker 3And and there's been scenarios that that person started changing and all of a sudden that person is done or but but it's, it's just so.
Speaker 3it's amazing to me how, like she stopped complaining, it means that she stopped caring, that's exactly, and but it's just so sad seeing this and again, like a lot of like society doesn't see how the guys suffer so much. And guys also, we don't. We don't speak about it unless we find somebody that we trust. But from my perspective it's. I'm just like, wow, I don't know, I'm I'm terrified of divorce. I'm really terrified, and that makes me even be more selective on the person, what I'm going to be with and and I'm just like it's crazy balance. So when you guys were talking about communicating that's why I'm asking all these questions and you know it's.
Speaker 4It's probably it's a lot harder to cause the women. The way that women date today is very different from when I think you dated, I dated. In what sense, though? Just the different in in, in how you date, like again, like before, when you say, when you were saying you didn't want to, you don't want to lose your wrist because you. That's why you don't go on the apps. There's a lot of people who use that and don't know the social, don't, don't know how to communicate. They only know how to date and have a good time and be young and have fun. There are some, some adults who you know, who really do really well at finding each other and connecting and communicating, but it's not something you know. I don't think it's something you know.
Speaker 4When I was getting you know courting I guess you can call it that I was ever aware of, like you know, you were just dating. I was 26 years old when I got married. So you know, think about that You're you. I was a young, young guy, but that I was I'm very traditional in that sense Like I wanted to get married young. I didn't want to have a long life of you know, trying to figure out you know who to date and all this other stuff. I wanted to get married because my most important thing to me was family. I wanted a family, and that's how you start down that road.
Speaker 4But the person I found was someone who I could trust, somebody who came from the background of you know commitment, and that's what drew me into. You know the relationship of you know we weren't communicating all that much. You know in the very beginning, you know it's different, it's very different. In today's world. I can't even imagine. I can't either. Yeah, and women's expectations too are they're, they're out there six three they're out there, and that's also changed too.
Speaker 1Well, it's, it's, it's. They want to be independent, they want both worlds. They want the traditional worlds when it benefits them, and they also want to be mis-independent. And I feel like you can have both, but you just have to find the right person, and I don't know these women. They, I feel for you, moki, and so continue. Continue to be as picky as as how and don't settle.
Speaker 3I mean, I don't want to be picky, but it's just like the fear of this is kind of forcing me to be, because you're not picky, it's selective yeah, it's not picky, it's selective, like you're not just going to rush into it, just just cause, all right.
Speaker 2Yeah, cause it's a. It's a marriage. It's not just you picking out a pet. You know, you're picking out a wife, dang, that's gonna be with you forever. So that's not something.
Speaker 1Or until you divorce.
Speaker 2Well, that's the whole point. You don't want to be divorced, so your whole end game is to be with that person forever, and so you have to be very selective and and they should be selective I mean, I want my daughters to be as selective as I want Khalil to be Even more so, probably. And so for me, yeah, that's that's talk. Let's talk about these things. That's what our biggest thing with our oldest right now we wanted to talk and have these conversations.
Speaker 2Because you can't talk about financial money when there's a financial problem. That's too late, that conversation is too late. You can't talk about certain things by the time there's a problem, because that's a different conversation at that point, because now you've got emotions dealing with it, now you got, like we, about to get kicked out of our apartment. You know this silly stuff like that, if you don't talk about it ahead of time, about money and talk about you know what are your goals, what are your expectations, because you may walk into it. I did that with my first wife. She had a different expectation of what a marriage was than what I did. I didn't know that because we never had that conversation. You assume that everyone's getting married for the same reason.
Speaker 4Hers was not mine and that's why she's my first wife.
Speaker 2So you know, it's just those things.
Speaker 1I heard first wife and I had some follow-up questions. No, I mean. So you guys never talked about.
Speaker 3You and I talked about.
Speaker 2That's interesting. So see, you have to talk about it.
Speaker 1Don't assume you have to tackle all the things Faith, religion, spirituality, whatever you want to call it, money, children, families, all of that have to be on the table. Man, what?
Speaker 3do you guys think about marriage constant before getting married? Do you guys think that's a second thing? Yes, will you recommend it to anybody who's gonna get married to just do that?
Speaker 2It depends on the individual, but I think a lot of people need it Will benefit from it Especially nowadays just like what Justin just mentioned Most people. Nowadays. They don't communicate that way. You know. You know they nap, everything's very easy or you know you don't have to really interact.
Speaker 1But didn't you see a marriage counselor before you got married?
Speaker 2Yeah, and they told us don't get married.
Speaker 4And you got married anyway, so listen to your marriage counselor's table.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, I need to talk a little bit more. I'll have some different things that child is discussing and doing and stuff like that.
Speaker 2So listen, if you're gonna go to marriage counseling, you follow what they do Follow what they're doing, be intentional about you, know what they're saying and listen, but I think nowadays, more, even more so, you need to. Actually, you need to hear something other than what someone else is telling you. You know, you need to have an objective viewpoint that says hey, did y'all think about this? No, we never thought about this. No, what about this? Because you're just in this bubble, you're in this little cloud of everything is great, everything is wonderful. I like the way they clip their toenails. You know everything is wonderful with that person. And then reality hits and you're like you know what I was, like I'm gonna have it. I was like the way you breathe. Right, right, you breathe too loud. You do breathe too loud sometimes. I'm just saying I'm like damn it, why are you breathing? Why are you breathing so loud? Why are you?
Marriage, Regrets, and Cheating
Speaker 1breathing so loud man and in my ear. Okay, so this is for married men and this is an interesting question and I'm sure you guys are not gonna answer it. So just speak for the men that you know in your lives. Married men Shout out to Corey yeah, it's Corey, you're making this far for them. If you had a chance to do it over, would you marry the same woman? Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2Well, I knew you were gonna say that, that's why you're not gonna so speak for it.
Speaker 1You did answer it.
Speaker 2You said you weren't gonna answer it.
Speaker 4You're completely different. What?
Speaker 1Justin, I think I have a strong feeling that a lot of men would say they would not marry the same woman if they had to do it over again. That's just.
Speaker 4So would like. That's hard to answer, that's hypothetical.
Speaker 1No, not necessarily Because some people in their minds would probably say I wouldn't pick her, but because they've committed to that marriage. They're not gonna go anywhere. It doesn't mean you're gonna go anywhere, but internally you're probably like shit, I made the wrong decision, I should have gone a different route and now I'm stuck. I feel in my heart that people feel really stuck in their marriages. I really believe that wholeheartedly.
Speaker 4That is way more than what.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 4But who has more of that feeling? Is it the man or is it the woman?
Speaker 2I think it's both. I think it's the woman be the same thing?
Speaker 1Oh for sure.
Speaker 4Like I think there's a lot of women who can answer that question. Yes, just the same.
Speaker 1And I've yes, I know some of these women. Yes, yes.
Speaker 4Yes, so that's why I say looks can be deceiving. Yeah, give them Milky's number.
Speaker 3One hundred.
Speaker 1No, it does go both ways, but this is a men's panel, justin. We're not. Women are not on trial. My bad, all right. Well, if you guys don't want to be honest, I knew what Phil was going to say and I don't blame him for saying, of course, because you know I wouldn't marry me too, but but I wasn't always the way I am. We've grown a lot, yes, a lot, a lot, a lot, and I'm sure there's many times where you're like what the hell? Because I know I did. I was like what the hell? I remember calling my mom. I was like what did I do?
Speaker 4Oh my, this is not fun.
Speaker 1She's like it's going to get better. You just hang in there. I'm like this is like horrible. Thank you, mom. Yeah, mama told me just to hang in there. That was going to get better.
Speaker 4That was Wednesday. Yes, today is Still here.
Speaker 1Let's talk about cheating. Let's talk about some cheating. Ok, so there's a few things in the cheating topic. How often, ok Corey, I didn't read it all the way through how often do you think about stepping out on your significant other?
Speaker 2Like you guys are going to be honest about that. Never.
Speaker 1Have you ever, though? Have you guys ever thought about it ever?
Speaker 2No, we have to be honest. It is when we were dating people that we knew we weren't going to be with so let's go that route.
Speaker 1Ok, so you cheated before.
Speaker 2I thought about it yes, okay, oh no, I cheated.
Speaker 4You've cheated, justin, you've cheated, yeah, a long time ago, okay yeah, when I was dating, like I mean, I mean, who did you cheat on? Did?
Speaker 1she know, did she know?
Speaker 4It's not really like, no, no actually no, she never found out. She would have never known. Dang no, what's her name.
Speaker 1Let's shout her out. No, no, let her know. No, get it off your chest, justin.
Speaker 2She died, she died.
Speaker 3Get it off your chest let's cleanse your soul.
Speaker 1She died in 1992.
Speaker 4No, no, no. I did not know you've cheated. Yeah, no, no, yeah. But like I mean, I don't think it really counts because you were just dating.
Cheating and Forgiveness in Relationships
Speaker 1It counts If you were just dating, she would still would have been heartbroken if she would have known no, no, because we weren't gonna get married. That's your justification. We weren't gonna get married. How did you know that? Did you think that back then? Yeah, okay.
Speaker 4I mean I wasn't looking to get married.
Speaker 1That's why you said that, Okay, are you a cheater? Cheater, pumpkin eater.
Speaker 3How do you define?
Speaker 1cheating when you're in a committed relationship and you go and do things with somebody else.
Speaker 3I was. That is cheating. I was speaking to the girl who does my hair. We just joke around sometimes and so I was talking to her. She was doing my hair and I asked her like so if you wear a condom, is it considered cheating?
Speaker 4Oh my God, this is what you are cheating. You are whining.
Speaker 2She was like no.
Speaker 3She said no. She said no, whoa no, no, we were just joking.
Speaker 2She's a boy, no, no, no, we're just joking around.
Speaker 4Wow, no, we're just joking around.
Speaker 3honestly, that's funny it is, I feel like for guys, well, for me it's very hard to think about it. I think about it but to do it, the very app is hard. But once I do it the first time, it's easy to second, the third, the fourth time, but I think that's the best way to do it the third, the fourth time, fifth, you speak from experience, yeah, I'll be the fifth.
Speaker 1So just doing it at first is hard, but then, once it's out of your system, then it's easier, right?
Speaker 3but now that I'm thinking, if I've never cheated when I've been in a serious relationship never, and I'm not saying I won't or nothing, I just never been in, I never had the opportunity to, I don't know. So if I have the chance or if I could, I would want to become a man that I do not do that. I want to become a man that is honest. I want to become a man that when temptation comes, I could be strong enough to say no, to value my partner.
Speaker 3Let me just say this it is very, very hard for a man not to look at other girls At least that's the least. It's very, very difficult and just to have a little bit of grace on us because lust comes from the eyes and all that stuff. But I do respect the guys who just who stay strong, and I want to become that type of person. So that's why I said that I want to read books, because I want to become that better person. But I understand guys who have done it and stuff like that. I mean I gave them a little bit of grace. I'm not saying it's right, it's just that it's very difficult man are visual creatures.
Speaker 2So yes, we do see people. But the key is, he said, we see people we see, people, we see people.
Speaker 4He's trying to be all like five ladies walking by with the big old butts and the leggings and their Stanley cups.
Speaker 3Yes, and we go off and imagine going to LA Fitness. And again, that was it LA Fitness.
Speaker 2Oh, shout out to LA Fitness. But I'm just saying even to the general.
Speaker 3There's a huge, huge problem right now with these girls on the gym. It's not what it used to be, oh really. There's a huge problem now because all these girls they want to record themselves and if they're going to post something about themselves, they do it in a very sexy way. They have sexy clothes and whatever. And guys just look and they don't want to be looked by guys, but they do want to post these videos so guys could respond to it in social media At the gym, but at the gym it's a huge problem.
Speaker 3Seriously so now they're having gyms only for guys, now they're training gyms only for girls. So gyms only for context. Some guys don't want to, they don't want to be in the video. So they come up in the video and now they're like oh, this person recorded me, posting me. I'm right behind it. I don't want to be there. It's a huge problem.
Speaker 3You are kidding me, but to stick in the topic, though, like ladies have to understand it. And it's not that I guess a guy don't want to cheat or anything, but it's just for some weird reason the eyes just automatically just look and it just happens Everybody, and we look too. Well, everybody's lying. We're not lying.
Speaker 4How can we believe what I'm saying the people? What did you?
Speaker 3say Do we look at the people? We observe, we observe people. We just read in the bio, you know.
Speaker 2Let's read in the bio.
Speaker 3But you know what?
Speaker 2This is the thing, though. Everyone's going to look, everyone's going to look. The cat is what are you going to do? Don't put yourself in a position that you have to make a choice. That's the biggest thing. Don't ever put yourself in a position that you got to make a choice, so just don't put yourself in that position.
Speaker 4That's not easy.
Speaker 2But you know that's. I think that's the way to avoid tough decisions.
Speaker 1If someone stepped out on you, could you forgive them?
Speaker 4No.
Speaker 1Zero. No, it's a wrap.
Speaker 4No, it's a wrap.
Speaker 1You guys have a hard moment, but women can kind of I don't know. Women need a boom again. Women forgive men all the time for cheating and stay with them. I'm just I don't know why, because that would be very tough for me.
Speaker 4No, that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 1Philip, if I cheated on you, will you forgive me?
Speaker 2Oh, that'd be hard, baby, that'd be.
Speaker 1I think you would forgive me. You think so? Yeah, I think so. Don't try to find that out.
Speaker 2I think you would. I truly believe you wouldn't forgive, because you won't forget and you'll always think about it. You'll always go back to but you cheated on me, so you may. Your heart just breaks.
Speaker 1I know you may forget. I know, yeah, you may.
Speaker 2But you, if you don't forget it, then you really can't forget it Exactly.
Speaker 1Have you guys been cheated on when you were dating? Oh?
Speaker 2good question.
Speaker 1That's a great question.
Speaker 2I want to think I never have been cheated on.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 2But that's probably not true, really yeah. But I feel good that I don't think I have.
Speaker 4Yeah, I'm over here talking about this. Yeah, you're like I cheated and she's like, oh boy, I bet you don't need to ever cheat and you're first man and I'm like damn it, she got me, she got me. What about you McLeodice that I've known of, though?
Speaker 3but I'm pretty sure that I have. I just never, I never found out, because women are super, super sleuthing. They are very, very crafty. Yes, they are, they are very crafty. Yes, they are, they are very, very crafty, they are very crafty, they are very crafty they are very crafty.
Speaker 2They are super super sleuthing. They are very, very crafty.
Speaker 4Yes, we are.
Speaker 2Yes, I have oh you have? I have None of that. I think about it, I know. He was so heartbroken, he had it like yes, that was a good one, but yes, I have.
Speaker 1Yes, who cheered on you? Yes, that was my first In college. Yes, oh, was it La Ronda? Yes, oh, I knew it. She sounded like a girl, yes. Oh, I knew it. She sounded like a cheater. Oh my God, sorry for all the La Rondas out there, but that's a cheating sounding name. I don't think there's a lot of La Rondas but okay, she's out there listening right now.
Speaker 4Why are you?
Speaker 1cheating on Felipe. I'm not cheating on you. Yes, yes, I was, oh, and you were devastated and you've been back with her, so you do forgive.
Speaker 4There you go. You do forgive. You went back with her right. I have a track record but I didn't. But you what but?
Speaker 2I didn't forget In the track record.
Speaker 4Maybe that's already worse. She's manipulating. She's trying to get that all past.
Speaker 1I'm like no, no, you forgive La Ronda, you're not gonna forgive me. No, I'm kidding, I would never, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dare. I think I just don't understand cheating.
Speaker 4What if it was a celebrity like?
Speaker 1in real life. Okay, well, that's different, justin. That's different because there's a few out there. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't because I see celebrities as people. I mean, that's just their profession. I don't see them as anything but another human. I wouldn't and I don't understand it, because if you don't want to be with that person, then just whatever. Then just go cheat Like it's not really cheating, just break it off and then go do whatever you need to do. I don't get it.
Speaker 1Anyways, moving on, come back next week. As we continue this conversation we talk about is it hard or how hard is it to raise another man's child? How important is for the man to be the breadwinner? Can a woman raise a man and find out which friends I made Philip get rid of after we got married? All right, see y'all next week. Thank you so much for listening to Virago 24-7. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram, at Virago24-7, and on Facebook, at Virago24-7. And just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you.
