Your Anxiety Has An Origin Story

Overthinking can look like “being responsible,” but it often feels like your brain running laps with no finish line. I sit down with therapist and life coach, Katherine Flechaus, to get honest about the patterns so many of us live in: excessive worry, people pleasing, perfectionism, and that constant background fear of being “not enough.”

Katherine explains how these habits usually start as protection. A kid who learns to keep the peace, earn approval, or stay hyper-aware in relationships may grow into an adult who can’t stop self-criticizing. We talk through how to spot the difference between healthy self-reflection and a thought loop, then go deeper into what she calls your anxiety origin story. The point isn’t blaming parents, teachers, or coaches. It’s building awareness so you can finally choose a new response.

We also dig into boundaries in a way that feels practical, not trendy. Katherine frames boundaries as respectful behavior and shows how to prepare for the anxiety that hits after you say no. We talk guilt, pushback, family dynamics, and why some relationships change when you stop being the fixer. Along the way we connect the dots to self-trust, restorative experiences, and imposter syndrome fueled by comparison, especially on social media.

If you’re ready for stronger mental health, healthier relationships, and a calmer mind, press play. Subscribe to Virago 24-7, share this with a friend who overthinks, and leave a review so more everyday warriors can find us.

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Everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors!

Music by Deli Rowe: "Space to Move"
Logo by Kaylin Talley

Transcript

Why This Talk Matters

Speaker 1 0:00

Today we're diving into a conversation that I think so many of us need right now. Joining me is

Speaker 1 0:05

Katherine Flechaus, therapist, life coach, and someone deeply passionate about helping people navigate life's hard, messy, and beautiful moments. Through her work, Katherine helps people better understand themselves, their relationships, and the stories they carry. We're talking about healing, emotional well-being, and what it really looks like to show up for yourself. Let's get into it. Hi, I am your host, Lyanette Talley, and you are listening to Virago 24-7. Virago is Latin for female warrior, and 24-7 is for all day, every day. Virago 24-7 is a weekly podcast that brings diverse women together to talk about life and our experiences in this world, which share our views on self-love, mental health, marriage, children, friendships, and really anything that needs to be talked about. Here you will find everyday growth, everyday healing with everyday warriors. Very good. Is

Katherine’s Path Into Healing Work

Speaker 1 1:32

it a clinical social worker?

Speaker 1:33

I'm a licensed clinical social worker and then a life coach.

Speaker 1 1:36

And a life coach. And what I read is that you focus a lot on overthinking, anxiety, excessive worry, and perfectionism, all the topics that I love to talk about and like and learn about. So tell us, tell us more. Tell us how you got to this point, why you got into this profession, and what you do uh to help people like me that are overthinkers.

Speaker 2:05

I got into this profession 30 some odd years ago. I started as a bachelor of social work, um, working in in healthcare. Um then thought, well, maybe if we could intervene with people earlier, right? Um, maybe they wouldn't end up in the hospital with all these chronic illnesses and what have you. So I got my master's in social work and started counseling. And I have counseled through the gamut of kids, adolescents, young adults, seniors. And what I started to see is the connection that that sort of thread that wove through, like this overthinking, this perfectionism, it all comes from somewhere, right? So where does the belief that generates the thought start? And that usually what I was seeing was a pattern of it starting earlier in life, whether it was, you know, a family experience, a school experience, a peer experience. Um and that's that belief system formed around whatever that experience was. And what happened was that we we created these patterns or safeguards that supported that core belief. So it worked when we were younger. You know, if you struggled through middle school and middle school girls and bullying and you know, expectations, right? You learn to become a people pleaser. Because then you could stay in that relationship, you could navigate that relationship. Um, yeah, so that's you know, that's that's where it started. And so the more that I saw that pattern, the more I started thinking in terms of of looking at things this way, like not just not just addressing the surface behavior that people were coming to me with, but because that wasn't working, um, was learning to go a little bit deeper. And then what I also saw is that, you know, you don't have to have a mental health condition to need this kind of work. And that's kind of the limitation just to counseling, right? Is you have to either go through your insurance, have a mental health diagnosis, have a mental health condition. So that's when I got into life coaching to bring this to a wider audience of people to say, you know, people pleasing, overthinking, these aren't psychiatric conditions, they're just conditioned beliefs. So that's kind of how I got here.

Helping A Teen With Anxiety

Speaker 1 4:42

So that's interesting that we're talking about this because I was just talking to my son who just graduated high school, and he's an athlete. He's going to um play football. He's been playing football. Um and he's going up north to to play football for college. And so one of his anxieties um we were talking this morning is him doing well when he goes up there when it comes to football. I just I want, I just want to do well. And I, and so he's just overthinking. What what would I like what can I tell him to help him through that?

Speaker 5:18

Well, I would I would get curious with him about where that anxiety is coming from. Like, what makes you think you're not gonna be good? Right? You were good enough to get selected by this school, right? Um, you've done well in high school. I'm sure he played in middle school and as a kid, right? So where where does this message come from from him that he might not be good enough? You know, was it a coach that was, you know, kind of hard and saying you're never good enough? Because some coaches use that, you know, approach to get kids to work harder. And for some kids it works, and for some kids it's it's not helpful. Um yeah, so kind of talk with him about where is this coming from? Why do you think that? Where did you hear this message that maybe you're not good enough to be there?

Speaker 1 6:12

Oh, I like that. Okay. I'm gonna use that. I'm gonna use

Self-Reflection Vs Self-Criticism

Speaker 1 6:16

that. Um what do you think the difference is between like healthy self-reflection or more like an overthinking destructive type of reflection?

Speaker 6:28

Well, I think it starts with are you self-reflecting or are you self-criticizing? Right. Because healthy self-reflection, we all want to do. We, you know, we want to make sure that we're doing the right thing, right? So if a thought comes in your head, like, you know, was that the right thing to say, right? That's an an often thought loop, right? Like, why did I say that? Was it the right thing to say? Okay, it was, or no, I shouldn't have said that, so I need to apologize, right? That's healthy self-reflection. When you're just going back and forth over and over it, like, oh, maybe I shouldn't, maybe I should have said that, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Um, and it's back and forth and there's no resolution, now you're stuck in a thought loop because your brain is trying to resolve something, it's trying to fix the problem. But if there's not a problem to fix, it can't fix it. Right. So that's where it keeps looping and looping and looping. Because maybe it was something that should have been said, but you feel uncomfortable because you said it. So now let's deal with that, right? Because, you know, for people pleasers, for overthinkers, we're always analyzing. Did we say the right thing? Did we do the right thing? Right. So you start doing a little reality testing. Well, was that the right thing to say? Yes. Okay, but you still shouldn't have said it. Well, why shouldn't I have said it? And now, now you're getting to the why am I uncomfortable that I set a limit or I said something? Now you're dealing with that, which is the real issue and not the what was said. It was sort of the setting the boundary or standing up for yourself. See the difference?

Speaker 1 8:13

Yes. Okay. Just asking the why to get to like the deeper meaning of it. Okay. Right.

Speaker 8:19

That whole idea of, you know, you keep peeling back the onion, right? Because if the first one doesn't resolve the why, you haven't gotten to the real reason.

Speaker 1 8:29

You talk about exploring someone's anxiety origin story, and you kind of touched on that in the

Finding The First Time It Started

Speaker 1 8:34

beginning. Um, so what does that mean? And like how like when you do that with your patients or your, do you call them patients or clients? Clients. Clients. Patience is very my husband's a doctor, uh a dentist, and so I'm used to saying the word patience. Yeah. Um like like talk me through like what you do to to go way back and figure out where this anxiety stems from.

Speaker 8:58

Okay. Well, I always start with helping people to understand that going back is not about blaming or shaming, right? Because we're not looking to point fingers at someone and say, see, this is your fault. This is, you know, what you did to me, but to gain an understanding. Okay. So that's step one is understand that this is this is about just bringing awareness. And then we just start to talk about what, like, when was the first time you felt that way? Where, what was happening? How long have you felt this way? And you sort of just sort of keep going back, like people start to identify a story. Oh, I remember when. Because those stories that are really um, you know, really powerful stick with you. You know, like I remember this teacher who was always hard on me and always telling me, you know, that I could do better and that I wasn't trying hard enough. Those are powerful messages that stick with you. And so then you start doing more, and and and it's never enough because this lady's voice is always in your head saying, You need to try harder. Yeah. Right. Or, you know, maybe it's a parent who had very high expectations um of what you needed to accomplish because you needed to do better than they did. You know, so again, it's not anything that anyone did to be destructive, but it's the way you interpreted it. So it's really going back to figure out where that story started. Yeah. I like sometimes it's easier to find, sometimes it's not.

Speaker 1 10:39

Yeah, yeah. I like how you say not going back to blame. You know, that's something that I had to learn um a while ago because I was kind of stuck in that blame, blame, blame. And once you let that go, you can really truly start changing internally, like start really um understanding because the blame, the blaming I found creates a lot of anger. A lot, a lot of anger. So um I like that that that's your approach. Um, it was hard for me to do that.

Speaker 11:09

There are situations, you know, where there is blame to go around, right? These aren't the situations I'm talking about. Um, you know, I'm not talking about kids that were neglected or abused. Of course.

Speaker 1 11:20

Yes, yes.

Speaker 11:21

The, you know, they're regular. So I always like to make that clear that you know, yeah, there's a difference. Yeah, but you're right, because the the blaming just gets you stuck in anger and and again, looping, like you recognize it, be angry for a little while, but then move forward.

Speaker 1 11:39

Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 11:41

Staying angry is detrimental to you.

Speaker 1 11:43

Yes.

Speaker 11:43

The other person's moved on.

Speaker 1 11:45

Yes.

Blame, Anger, And Getting Unstuck

Speaker 1 11:46

So speaking of stuck, like when someone is kind of stuck in those patterns, what are some steps that you tell people to start with? If you're just kind of looping, angry, hating the past, blaming your parents, blaming whoever, where do we start to kind of break those patterns?

Speaker 12:06

Right. Well, we start with recognizing what the pattern is doing and not doing. Okay. So is the pattern helpful? Most times it's not, right? People pleasing patterns, imposter syndrome patterns don't usually they have strengths within them, but the pattern itself is not usually helpful. So let's start to look at what happens when that pattern is activated, right? What do you do? How do you think? Now let's interrupt those thoughts because you need to understand why the thoughts are there and how they influence your behavior. So this is different than looking in a mirror and saying, I'm okay, I've got this, I know what I'm doing, right? Those don't work until you've done this the um the work below the surface, right? Because you've got to believe that you can do it. Um, and so you start with something simple. When is the pattern activated? Um, when I have trouble setting, let's understand why you're having trouble setting boundaries. What are you afraid will happen? And for a lot of people, it's that I'll damage the relationship. Right. Okay, so let's look at that. When what makes you think you'll damage the relationship? Do you want to keep a relationship that um you have to put more effort into than the other person does? Right. Because if we take that story of going back to the the middle school bully, you know, you had to do that to keep the relationship because at that point, those kinds of relationships were so important, you know, would make or break you socially in school. So it was an adaptive pattern, made sense then. But now what you're finding is that all I'm doing is attracting people that need things from me. And people, you know, not the people that are giving and taking, like a good relationship should be. So when you understand what the real fear is that's generating the behavior, then you can start to look at things with a new perspective. Oh, I have the choice. Do I want to keep this relationship?

Speaker 1 14:19

Yeah.

Interrupting Patterns And Fear Stories

Speaker 1 14:20

Is it I find that um it's more difficult when it's more like family members versus friends. How do you how do you um kind of guide people through family dynamics?

Speaker 14:35

Right, because the difference with family is, I mean, some people do and some cases require it, but in general, we can't get rid of our families, right? Yeah. You we we see them when they're there at holidays, but we can still change the expectation that we have of them and that they have of us, right? So sometimes it's retraining people, right? Because part of the problem with people pleasing is we have taught people how to interact with us. We've taught them that, okay, I'm gonna be the go-to person, I'm gonna be the one that solves all the problems, I'm gonna be, right? And so it's learning to change that dynamic. And how can I pull back, you know, not be the first one to raise my hand, not be the one to solve the problem. And then people will begin to interact differently with you. It takes time because again, these things didn't happen overnight, so they don't get fixed overnight. You know, there are no quick fixes, but you know, maybe um, you know, if you if you have that kind of relationship with a sister who's always coming to you for advice, you very slowly stop fixing and start maybe asking more questions, sort of turning it back over to them or recognizing this is one thing I had to learn. I've got four sisters, so I know sisters. Um, you know, not all the time when they come for advice do they want advice.

Speaker 1 16:04

Oh, yeah, I've learned that.

Speaker 16:06

Right? Solve it all, right? Yeah, and so to very slowly stop solving, because then all they do is get annoyed because they don't like your solution or whatever, to just start asking questions like, well, what do you think you should do? You know, or just be reflective. Oh, that sounds like that's really hard. And then they have to start fixing it for themselves. Yeah, yeah. And you're preserving the relationship because they're not mad at you for coming up with a solution or saying something they didn't want to hear. Um, and you're not feeling responsible for fixing them.

Speaker 1 16:48

I um I feel like I am a recovering people pleaser. I'm not I I I used I used to be, and um

Family Dynamics And Retraining Expectations

Speaker 1 16:58

I've just I've grown out of it. I think with the help of my husband, he is not a people pleaser at all. And so just learning from him. Why do you think it's difficult for people to say no? And how can we kind of get past that? Like what do we what can we do to feel comfortable saying no to people?

Speaker 17:18

Well, we have to understand why we're afraid of saying no, right? Like what are we afraid is gonna happen? And for a lot of women, it's as it's as simple and complex as guilt, right? We were told to be good girls, to do for others, to give of yourself, you know, this whole role of being the caregiver, the nurturer. Um and so we're coming up against this belief that we, okay, so if I don't do this, then what does that mean? Does that mean I'm selfish, I'm self-centered, I'm not kind? And so when you can

Why “No” Feels So Hard

Speaker 17:58

understand that, oh, I can set limits at times and be supportive and be helpful, or yeah, I can be selfish, you know, that it's okay. If people are asking me to do things that I don't really want to do, I do have the right to say no.

Speaker 1 18:16

Yeah.

Speaker 18:17

I've learned and then work through the guilt because that feeling is coming. So let's acknowledge that the feeling is coming and how are you gonna work through it?

Speaker 1 18:26

Yeah. I've I've learned that majority of the people accept the no graciously. What about what do you tell people like, what if someone comes to you and says, Well, I said no, and the person got so mad, and you know, there's just some people that don't want to hear that and will keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Um, how do you deal with those people? What do you what can I do differently?

Speaker 18:50

Right. Well, that's where you want to take a good hard look at that relationship. Like, what does that mean about that person, that friend, if they can't take no for an answer, you know, is this really all about them? Right? Are they giving any consideration to you and what your needs are? Um, why are they, why do they keep pushing back? Because again, we're so used to being introspective as women, right? That it must be me, must be something I did, you know, I have to do this. But let's reflect back out. What does this mean about this person? Yeah, and do I want this person in my life if they can't respect my boundaries? Yeah. Yeah. Now again, all sounds easy on the surface, right? But it's planning for not only setting the boundary, but following through. Like, okay, let's figure out where your sort of weak point is gonna be, right? Where's your breaking point when you're gonna say, Oh, okay, it's okay, yeah, I'll do it. And then let's make a plan, you know, a script, a strategy for when that happens, because we know it's gonna happen.

Speaker 1 19:56

Yeah. I mean, I've I've conquered that. So, so yeah, that makes sense to me. Um but do you find it comes back now and again? Um, every now and then, especially with people that I've known for when I was in my people pleasing face. Right. Right. So um, but but sometimes um I I think about it and I'm like, okay, is this a big deal? Can I just like do it? Um half the time it's just it's not even that serious. I'm like, okay, I can I can say yes to that. Um, but if I'm convicted, yeah, no, I I stick, I stick to it and they're just gonna have to respect it. But that also I think comes from more security within myself. Um, working on, you know, self-confidence has helped a lot. Um, and I think that's where a lot of this stuff stems from, is that when you don't feel confident about who you are internally, um, that's raw, that's where you kind of get stuck in in this. Yeah. Yeah. Um and then boundaries.

What Boundaries Really Mean

Speaker 1 20:56

You just mentioned boundaries. I'm all about boundaries. And we throw this word all over the place nowadays. Let's talk about that. What does that really mean? Because I feel like it's gotten watered down with these are my boundaries and these are my boundaries.

Speaker 21:10

And I talk to people like, I'm so sick of hearing about boundaries.

Speaker 1 21:12

Yes, oh my gosh.

Speaker 21:14

So think of boundaries as respect, respectful behavior, right? Um, how we interact with each other in a respectful way. Because sometimes, you know, we have to do things we don't want to do, right? You know, a family member calls, you know, and they need help, and you have to do it whether you really want to or not, because they're your family, and that's the thing you should do, right? That's different than you know, a friend who's who's expecting too much. Yeah. Or, you know, like you said, that person that that doesn't accept no. Okay. Now it's about respect. And so boundaries should always be respectful and they should be things. So if something makes you feel uncomfortable. Right. Then that's a boundary being violated. Um so it's about it's about being thoughtful, it's about not overdoing. It's not uh, you know, don't let people in your space that you don't want in your space, but it's not about oh, I don't feel like doing it, so I'm setting a boundary. Because it's about balance too. Boundaries look different with different people. That's true. They look very different with your mother than they do with your child, than they do with your best friend, you know, who's not as close to, you know, a coworker versus a close friend.

Speaker 1 22:37

So we're talking about all these things, and it's like you said earlier, it's easier said than done.

Homework, Scripts, And Anxiety Plans

Speaker 1 22:42

Do you give homework or tools that people can use when we're getting anxious when it comes to boundaries, when we're getting anxious when it comes to all of this that we're talking about?

Speaker 22:51

Yeah, absolutely. I I love homework because homework makes you work on it between sessions, right? Because if you don't work on it, it's not going to change. Yeah. It's easy, we can be talking now, and you're like, yeah, I got this, right? But let's talk about the reality. There's there's a reason you've been doing it this way. Your brain is now wired to do it this way, right? And once you have that stimuli, the behavior kicks in, right? Instantaneously before you've even thought about it. So, you know, some of the strategies are just slowing down, you know. Like it's easy to give someone a script and say, okay, I'm gonna say, you know, when uh, you know, when my boss asks me to do something, I'm gonna say, oh, you know, I can't, I don't have any room on my plate for that. Well, maybe you won't say no to your boss, maybe it's another coworker, right? Um, you know, so we hear this a lot, like just say this, just say I don't have time, give me time to think about it. That's only one piece of the intervention because the rest of it is, okay, now what are you gonna do when you're feeling anxious? What does anxiety look like for you? What thoughts are you having? Okay, how do we counter those thoughts with a more positive thought? Right? Like, oh, this is gonna make me feel really selfish. Okay, are you being selfish if you say no? Um, what makes you feel that way? Uh what uh how can you not be selfish to yourself, right? Like, what's this gonna do to you? So we think through all these things so that you're prepared when you actually use that piece of script, that all the stuff beneath that script is ready to go.

Speaker 1 24:31

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 24:32

So understand why predict you're gonna be anxious, predict that you're gonna hesitate, and then let's plan. We plan for those so that when they happen, you're ready, you've got the tools.

Speaker 1 24:45

I like that.

Speaker 24:46

And a lot of it is about different thoughts.

Speaker 1 24:49

Yeah.

Building Self-Trust Through Experience

Speaker 1 24:50

Do you go into like um going back to the self-confidence, self-trust? Do you dive into that with people? Like just I because I feel like once you are sure of who you are, all of this stuff, it just makes it easier to say no and to and to set your boundaries. What does that look like, the self-trust and and building self-confidence?

Speaker 25:12

Well, I think you're right, because once you understand yourself, the confidence naturally follows, right? So you're not feeling confident because there's something that you believe about yourself or the way you're supposed to be that gets in the way. So once you understand that, once you understand why, and then you give yourself permission to be different, you start to fall into your authentic self, right? Oh, okay, now I can do this. And you've had experiences that show that, you know, the world isn't gonna burn down because you said no to somebody. Um, and you start to have those what I call, you know, restorative experiences. So you realize, oh, I can do this and everything's gonna be okay.

Speaker 1 25:59

Yeah.

Speaker 25:59

I mean, maybe I lost this person in my life, but what I can recognize is that that was a good thing.

Speaker 1 26:05

Yeah.

Speaker 26:05

That this isn't somebody who was good for me to have in my life. So it's not a bad thing. Where before losing somebody was a bad thing because it meant I wasn't good enough. Yeah. Right. Now I know I don't, I I get to make a choice. The self-confidence starts to come from that.

Speaker 1 26:23

Yeah. No, I have experience from from losing friendships like that. And it and at the time when you're going through it, it just feels so big and so emotional. And oh my gosh, what did I do? What have I done? Like what just happened. But when you sit back and you realize, hmm, that that friendship was not fulfilling me in the in the way that I thought, or maybe I've grown into a different version of myself and it worked then, but it doesn't work now. And so what I like to tell people, I mean, I'm not a clinician or anything, but I mean, I've I've learned it with my own life, is that man, like it's freeing, actually. It's a freeing experience once you get through the sadness and like the like the grief of you know, of of losing friendships or relationships. But I feel like I don't know, I just uh it just feels good to have my own back and to consider myself instead of always considering others. Yes, we want to consider others, but we're no good to other people if we're not, you know, there for ourselves. So yeah.

Speaker 27:33

So like you said, pay attention to after. Oh, I feel like you know, this I'm better, I'm healthier, right? This person was not good for me. And so it's okay. Yeah, and now you have that experience that I can say no, it's good for me, it's not being selfish.

Speaker 1 27:52

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 27:53

The world did not burn down.

Speaker 1 27:55

Exactly. And and I still think those memories and think those moments. We had wonderful times, but now you know it's time to move on to something else.

Speaker 28:05

So friendships are not always permanent, right? We have different friendships at different chapters of our life. I mean, we have those wonderful people that walk with us through all our chapters.

Speaker 1 28:15

Exactly.

Speaker 28:17

But a lot of people are part of a chapter.

Speaker 1 28:19

Once I learned that and really truly understood it, um, it makes it doesn't make it easier. It does make it easier, but it, you know, we're still humans and we're still gonna feel big emotions. Um, but once we get past that, it's it's not as scary as it seems.

Speaker 28:34

It's okay to have those emotions. Just don't be held captive by them.

Feeling Lost, Purpose, And Next Steps

Speaker 1 28:39

So if someone is listening and they have no clue what we're talking about because they haven't even started on step one, they're just lost. Um, and I've been there. Like you, I don't know what my purpose is, I don't know what my passions are. Um, I don't well, I think, I think, let me go back. I think a lot of the times we know we're afraid to voice it because maybe we're not good enough. Or like you said earlier, imposter syndrome. So let's get into that. And what do you how do you guide people through that when they're there's a starting from like, I'm lost, I know nothing.

Speaker 29:13

Well, sometimes it's about going back to when did you not feel lost? Like, so what was going on? What were the good things that were happening? What um, and then how did you get off course? Right. Because chances are there there was a message there that told you, you know, like I wanted to take path A, but I didn't believe enough in myself, so I took path B. Right. So let's figure out why you didn't do that. You know, what are what are those messages that are telling you you can't have path A? Because it's about understanding what's how we're getting in our own way, how our thoughts are getting in our own way. What are you, what are you passionate about? What, you know, start with the very basics, like um, we sort of used to take those personality quizzes in school. And if you're good at this, this would be the kind of job you would take, you know. So you just start asking questions about what are you passionate about? What were you passionate about? Why aren't you passionate about that anymore? Because in there, you're going to come up with a theme of what's getting in the way. And then once again, you you get rid of those things, you have the emotional energy and the self-confidence to do it. It's always about awareness.

Speaker 1 30:30

I think with me, it was um choices that I made that took me down a different path. And it it feels like, oh, well, now I can never go back to those dreams or those or those ideals because now we're over here. Um, and for me, it was I had a daughter at 21 while I was in college and trying to figure out, oh, shoot, do I finish college? I wanted to be a journalist. I can't be a journalist at 21 with a baby. Those were the things that I was telling myself back then. And so then it took me down a different road. Years go by and it's just like, yeah, now it's too late to go back to that.

Speaker 31:09

Um well, so then you ask yourself, is it really too late to go back to that? And if it is, you know, what's something adjacent to that? Right. Like, what was it about journalism that got me excited?

Speaker 1 31:23

This, what we're doing right now, talking to people and connecting. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31:28

And so you found a way to do that. Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 1 31:30

That's true. Yeah.

Speaker 31:31

Right. So so you the passion is the connecting with people. The the avenue you had in front of you was journalism, but now you found a different way to do it.

Speaker 1 31:40

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31:42

So sometimes it's just about finding the neck something that fits now.

Speaker 1 31:47

Exactly. I thought about it, but now that we're talking about it, yeah, that's true. That's true. I found a different way, yeah. Um, so it's never too late, is what you're saying. It's never too late. Never too late.

Perfectionism, Comparison, And Social Media

Speaker 1 31:59

What does like living like a healthy, mentally healthy life, what does that look like for people that think it should be perfect? Because obviously we all know it's not going to be perfect. Yeah. So what's the alternative to perfection?

Speaker 32:15

Well, it's understanding that, right? That there is no perfect life. Right. There's there's what we make and how we find happiness within our life. And it starts also with with not comparing yourself to other people. Right. Oh my gosh. Social media has its has its advantages, but it it gives this, you know, fake impression that people's lives are one way than another. So I encourage people, if they're feeling like, oh, so-and-so's life is better than mine, oh, look at what she's doing, look behind the curtain, you know. Is it really that good? Is it real? Um are they struggling in other areas so that they're balancing their life a certain way, just like you're balancing your life a certain way. What are they doing? And is that something that you can take on? You know, like are they, you know, being grateful for the things that they have instead of worrying about what they don't have? That's a good quality you can pick up from someone. So it's understanding that perfection doesn't exist. Right. So what would what makes you happy? What, you know, how are you having good relationships in your life? Are you are you connecting with the right people? That's a good mentally healthy lifestyle. You know, it doesn't mean you have the big house, the fancy car, you know, the three kids dressed perfectly and nobody ever gets dirty and we look great in camera, you know, it's it's what makes you happy and not and not comparing, not comparing, because that's where that's where the unhappiness lurks. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 34:03

Yeah. I I try to tell my um my kids, because I have I have three kids, and then the youngest, when she was young, like a lot younger, she's 15. Um, but when she was like in elementary school, she did a lot of that comparing. And what I would tell her, it's like we all have our own gifts. She'd be like, oh, I wish I could sing, or I wish I could do that, or I wish I. And I'm like, well, I mean, there's certain things that we were not given those gifts or talents, but let's look at what you were given and let's work with that. And some things can be learned, like, okay, you want to learn how to play the guitar or whatever, like that can be learned. Um, you know, I know some people are just born just gifted that way, and those are the people that she looks at, but I'm like, stop comparing, let's stop this. So when we realize we just we all have a gift, all of us. And we just have to just tap into that and not be envious, be excited for other people's gifts. Like, look at them, look at them go. Good for them.

Speaker 35:02

Right. And that's a beautiful way to to teach, especially girls, to be like celebrate your friends' success. Yes. You know, don't be jealous, don't be bitter. Um, celebrate their success because they'll celebrate your success. And you know, maybe your gift isn't as outspoken as a beautiful singing voice. Let's find the meaning in what your gift is.

Speaker 1 35:25

Exactly. Like I wanted the gift of singing, and I was not given that gift. I think God knew what he was doing when he I said, I would be, I would be just all over the place with my with my voice.

Speaker 35:38

Um, yeah, my daughter has an amazing singing voice. She was a professional musician for a while, and they sing and they sing the baby to bed, and my granddaughter says, Mimi, sing me a song. I'm like, uh-uh, Mimi doesn't sing.

Speaker 1 35:54

I'm like, we can sing, it's just not gonna sound good while reading another book. Oh, I love it. I love

Unlearning Imposter Syndrome For Real

Speaker 1 36:03

it. What's the belief that you specifically uh uh that you had to unlearn to become the person you are today?

Speaker 36:14

Let's let's I had to unlearn a lot of people pleasing and a lot of imposter syndrome. You know, I mean I I grew up in a small town with a big family, you know, everyone went to the same school, everyone had the same teachers, you know. So you sort of get pigeonholed into this is the way this family behaves, this is the friends this family has, you know, and so I had to learn to be my own person, yeah, you know, figure out who I was separate from this big great family that I had, you know, who was I within that? Um and then, you know, of course, being raised with so many people, people pleasing just became sort of a natural, like, let's keep everyone happy, let's keep everything moving smoothly. Um, and so those are things that I've I've had to get over. I've had to learn to say no to people, right? Had to learn to put my own needs first. And like you said, once you get on the other side of that, it feels like, oh, well, that shouldn't have been that hard.

Speaker 1 37:25

Yeah, I should have been doing this a long time ago. Yeah.

Speaker 37:28

Right. But it really was, it really was a journey. I mean, even now, sometimes I mean, I worked for 30 years. I have a ton of experience in different areas, and sometimes I think, why is anyone coming to me? What do I know? Yeah, right. Because I'm not A, B, or C, right? That comparison that comes back in, and that's when you have to go back to those old skills. Remind yourself, don't compare yourself to other people. You know, you are you and you have a message to give.

Speaker 1 38:00

Yeah. Is that where you think? Because I wanted to talk about imposter syndrome. Is that where you think it stems from? Is that we're comparing ourselves to other people, and so we're feel we feel like we're not meant to be doing what we're doing. Okay.

Speaker 38:15

Right. You know, someone is prettier than me, someone is skinnier than me, someone is more intelligent than me, you know, someone is more artistic than me, right? It's always that comparison. So I'm comparing myself to other people. Like we're talking about other people's talents, other people's gifts and not believing in my own.

Speaker 1 38:36

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 38:37

That I somehow have to, I have to prove what you didn't have to prove, you know, but she didn't have to prove. I have to prove, prove, prove, prove. And I've spent so much time proving that I never get to the the finish line of I'm here, I've arrived. I know, I have, I know enough. Yeah.

Speaker 1 38:56

I had to shake that off, uh, that whole imposter syndrome thing. Cause you know, when I started the podcast, I'm like, there's like thousands and thousands of podcasts, like, who am I to start one? And who's gonna want to talk to me? Um, but once you get past that and realize there's room for everybody, there's room for everybody, and everyone's running their own race and their own journey, and just kind of stay focused on on your path. And that's helped a lot because I was suffering from that quite a bit, actually.

Speaker 39:31

Like, who am I? And there's right, and there's where you have people to compare yourself to, right? Because there's just so much out there. It's the same when I went into life coaching. Like I'm I've been a therapist, you know, my whole adult life. This was different. And again, there are so many life coaches out there. Um, and I don't have a specific life coach training. So I was telling myself, I don't belong in this space without these trainings. Then I started looking into the trainings, and they're everything I've been doing and learning.

Speaker 1 40:08

Yeah.

Speaker 40:09

You know, so sometimes it's it's taking a look and being like, oh yeah, okay, I already know that. Yeah. Right. For you, you know, I have the experience, the interest, the desire to interact with people. You know, I have this journalist instinct. So I'm gonna bring my own spin to my podcast and it's gonna find its audience. Exactly.

Speaker 1 40:31

Is there anything else that we haven't touched touched on that you would want to share with us?

How To Choose The Right Coach

Speaker 40:39

No, I think it's really about starting with awareness and and being being open to learning why you haven't gotten to where you want to be. Right. Instead of saying, it's too late, I should have. Um but if you're you know, if you're really wanting to understand your patterns and you want to look at them as not negative, right? We can, you know, people pleasing gets termed as a negative, right? Like that's a negative. But there's a reason, right? So, you know, if you're if you're looking to understand the why, then you know, this is the kind of work you want to do. So you can figure out what your next chapter is. Yeah.

Speaker 1 41:24

Where can people connect with you, learn about you?

Speaker 41:27

You can connect through my website, which is aligned core life coaching. Um, I'm on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn. Yeah, my name is difficult to spell, but it's f-l-e-c-h-a-us-s. Um, it's difficult to pronounce too.

Speaker 1 41:44

I'll make sure to to add all of that information to the show, to the notes, and then when I start posting on social media, I'll make sure to tag you in them.

Speaker 41:54

Yeah, and people can, you know, schedule a call. And because I always encourage people to have a call first, you know, and and talk to several different people. Like if you want to get into life coaching, talk to a couple of different life coaches, especially if you, you know, coming at it from a people pleaser, an imposter syndrome, you know, you're going to be easily, it's going to be hard to say no to somebody, right? Yeah. But schedule three calls and and plan on not answering, right? People want you to answer right away, right? They want you to make a decision right then and there. But plan on having three calls and then comparing how did I feel when I talked to that person? Um, did I feel like I was being listened to? Did I feel like I was being sold something? Because there's a lot of people out there that um are in it for the wrong reasons. So lean into your gut instinct about that.

Speaker 1 42:49

I like that. I like that. Thank you so much, Katherine. This was fun. I'm so glad we connected finally. Yes. Finally. Yeah, thank you so much. I love this conversation. I love talking about this kind of stuff because I've gone through it myself. I still go through things, and and I love to like get all the information so that I can start, you know, using it in my own life. So I appreciate it.

Speaker 43:16

Best of luck to your son. He will do great in his new school.

Speaker 1 43:20

But I think he's gonna be amazing. Transition. I think he's always been this way. He's an introvert, like he's the true definition of an introvert. But yeah, I think he'll be fine. Um, and we've gone through this before with the overthinking. So it's just another phase of overthinking. Yeah. Right.

Speaker 43:37

Because now he's gonna have to meet all these new people, this poor introvert. Yes. Yeah, just help him recognize his skills, his gifts that he brings.

Speaker 1 43:45

Exactly. Exactly. Well, I appreciate you. Thank you so much. This was fun. Yes, this was so fun. Thank you so much, Katherine. All right, take care. All right, take care.

Fill Your Cup First

Speaker 1 43:55

I'll leave you with this. Fill your own cup first, not out of selfishness, but out of necessity. You deserve to be nourished, not drained. You deserve to be whole, not half-given. The world doesn't need your exhaustion, it needs your overflow. Thank you so much for listening to Virago247. If you haven't done so already, go ahead and hit that subscribe button and please give us five-star ratings. Also, don't forget to follow us on Instagram at Virago24 underscore seven and on Facebook at Virago24 slash 7. And just connect with us and share your story. We'd love to hear from you.