Theatre of the Cluster B

What part do you play in the theatre of your Cluster B? In this podcast of My Inner Torch I finally have the opportunity to explore the idea of these relationships and our part in them being like a play the "Theatre of the Cluster B". What does this piece of theatre mean in your toxic relationship? 

Transcript

Welcome to My Inner Torch, the podcast that shines a light on the shadows of Cluster B abuse. In this podcast, we delve deep into the world of abusive relationships, offering insight, healing, and hope. Our host has walked the same path that many of you have. Each week, he opens up about his personal experiences and shares stories of other brave individuals who face the same struggles. In this podcast, we navigate the complexities of Cluster B abuse, offering support, understanding, and guidance. Cluster B personalities can leave scars that are invisible to the eye, but deeply etched into our souls. It's time to break the silence, dispel the myths, and ignite the torch within us all. My Inner Torch is more than a podcast. It's a community of survivors, thrivers, and seekers of truth. We believe that by sharing our stories and knowledge, we can transform pain into power and darkness into resilience. So whether you're a survivor seeking solace, a friend wanting to understand, or a listener eager to learn, you're not alone.

My Inner Torch illuminates the path towards healing and empowerment. This week, we explore the theater of the Cluster B and the part we play in these abusive and dysfunctional relationships. Thanks, David. I've talked over several podcasts that I was going to do this specific podcast. Theater of the Cluster B. What do I mean by theater of the Cluster B? I'm going to get to that in just a moment. But first, I wanted to read something that I think pertains to anybody in an abusive relationship that I saw recently on the web. Things I stopped doing to gain peace in my life. This probably speaks to those of us who are empaths and to those of us who are codependents. Things I stopped doing to gain peace in my life.

Number one, arguing with people. Gun-toting lunatics is a podcast that I did, gosh, several years ago now. I've been doing this podcast for over three years. I can't believe it.

Over 170 podcasts, almost 180 now. But I talked about something that I talked to my kids about, arguing with people. Would you argue with somebody who was pointing a gun at you? You have to ask yourself that question. I ask myself that question many times before I enter into an argument with my Cluster B wife or with anybody for that matter. Is it worth it? Will it make a difference? Will I win the argument? And if I win the argument, does it really make a difference in my life? Wasting energy on one-sided relationships. Sound familiar?

We waste so much time on these Cluster B relationships. We are a player in the theater of the Cluster B. And we'll talk about that in more detail coming up. Over-committing my time when I didn't have the energy.

That's people-pleasing, of course. Accepting and excusing toxic behavior because that was more comfortable than change. We do that a lot in these relationships. We are so accepting. We accept and we excuse the Cluster B's toxic behavior because it's much better to just do that than to try to change. We can't change their behavior, so we have to change ourselves.

Allowing dysfunctional family members to steal my joy. A lot of people have emailed me and said, hey, you know, you talk about your marriage with your wife who you suspect is a Cluster B, but what about a brother? What about a sister? What about a mother, father, cousin, uncle, whatever? The same rules apply, and I understand they're blood relatives. I understand if you're dealing with an abusive, toxic Cluster B mother or father. That is a hell that I'm sure is much different than the hell that I'm living in because you are truly committed and connected to that person because they are blood relation. But when it comes down to the end game, it doesn't matter whether they're your mother or father. If they're abusing you, that's just not right. Trying to fix people as an act of love. I think we misinterpret what we're doing.

I used to think that. I used to think, you know, I'm trying to change my wife because I love her. No, I'm trying to change my wife for the selfish reason that I want her to be somebody who she pretended to be. Coming back to the theater of the Cluster B, discarding my boundaries to fit uncomfortably in other people's lives.

We're people pleasers. We don't want to rock the boat. We don't want to have an argument with a lunatic. We don't want them pointing that gun at us and setting that gun off. So we're going to discard our boundaries because, well, if we set boundaries and they're not going to be happy with us. Pretending to be happy when I was hurting.

Theater of the Cluster B. We participate in this, this grand farce. That is the theater of the Cluster B. We are actors. We are players in their game.

Silencing my voice and not naming my needs. My gosh, I am incredibly guilty of that because, well, gosh, even to this very day, I will not express my needs for not for fear anymore, but for understanding that it doesn't go anywhere. I put it out into the universe. My wife doesn't care. She's not listening. She's not seeing me. So if I name my needs, well, that's not important to her. It's theater of the Cluster B. She can go out there and tell people she's been married for 21 and a half years and that's a badge of honor. Wow. It fits her narcissistic personality because people can sit there and say, in this day and age, people don't stay together for that long.

My gosh, you must be a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful wife. He must be so happy with you. You guys must be so happy.

Theater of the Cluster B. Overthinking about my past and things I cannot change.

Do you do that? Do you overthink and replay the past? And really, we can't change the past. We can play it over and over and over again and we do that because we so desperately want what they were and that what they pretended to be. They are great pretenders. They are great actors and they bring you into the cast of their lives. Holding on to people I've outgrown because of the time invested. We do this in our Cluster B relationships. My gosh, I've been together with my wife for 23 years, so I'm going to hold on to her. That's what she's doing to me because it's theater of the Cluster B.

It's a badge of honor. People will respect her. She can sit there and say, well, my husband and I, oh, how long have you been married? Oh, we've been married for 21 years now. And the people step back and think, wow, you know, she must be a really great person. I just said that because it's all about the image and yet behind closed doors, this is not a marriage. It's a roommate ship.

Going along to get along. Do we do that?

Do you do that? I do that. I do that less now than I used to. But you know, if somebody says something to me and says, hey, you know, do you want to go do this? And if I'm not really feeling up to it, I will usually acquiesce or I would have because well, you know what? I'm just going to go along because I, especially with my wife, if it's a family thing and I don't want to do it, it's like, well, if I don't do it, then I know there will be hell to pay. Because again, it's theater of the Cluster B. We have to act like we are a couple, like we are actively married and everything that that entails. Yet it's, it's basically a flat. They call scenes or settings when you set up a play, they're called flats when you have the scenery or so. And so behind the flats, there's nothing.

My wife will paint this picture. People will kind of think, oh, they must be having a great marriage. They must love each other very much. And yet no, no, that doesn't happen. Overlooking my blessings and complaining my life to, or excuse me, overlooking my blessings and comparing my life to someone else's. Well, narcissists do that. They're constantly the victims. They're constantly comparing their lives to other people's lives and how they have to drag you along to attain that life. Use you to attain that life because nothing is ever good enough. Explaining myself, my truth and my integrity to fit in. Again, this is about boundaries.

We, we shape shift. We're constantly changing ourselves to be something that we really aren't comfortable with, but we think that the Cluster B is going to like it. Much like the Cluster B puts on an incredible show, love bombs us, sex bombs us, nice bombs us, hoovers us, hoovers us, does all these incredibly abusive things to keep us in a complete circle of pain. Waiting for external validation to boost my confidence.

Don't we do that? We want the Cluster B to tell us. We so desperately want them to love us, to acknowledge us, and we're willing to fight for that. We're, we're, you know, it's, that's why they call it bread crumbing. We just want them to show us some affection. I know even to this date, because I'm still in the healing phase, if my wife shows me some modicum of kindness, I lap it up because I'm so starved for it. That's pathetic. That's something that after 23 years should be, should be a given, you know, the kindness and perhaps the affection and the tenderness that doesn't exist in the theater of the Cluster B. It just doesn't. And we want it and we expect it because, well, gosh, they, they started that way. Why can't they continue to be that way?

And I'm going to stay in this relationship. I'm going to give my identity, surrender my identity to these people because maybe, just maybe they will become who they pretended to be, theater of the Cluster B. And then finally trying to change people who are committed and are committed to staying the same. And this is the strongest message that I can relay to you in my inner torch. So many people email me at myinnertorch at gmail.com and they say, you know, I'm just going to, I'm just going to try to change the, maybe, maybe if they go to therapy, well, you know what? If they have to go to therapy, there's a problem to begin with, obviously. And these people don't respond well to therapy. It's an act. It's theater of the Cluster B. When you go in to couples therapy, I've not done this with my wife, by the way, but I do know for a fact that if we did go to therapy, I don't even have to presume this, that everything A would be my fault because everything is my fault. We joke about it, but it's kind of, it's abusive in the sense that we joke about it, but everything that is wrong in the world and in my wife's life is my fault.

And I've talked about this in countless podcasts. It's the seven degrees of the Cluster B. They will always bring it back to you. It doesn't matter whether they fell on the pavement. You did something to precipitate that. You did something to make them fall, even though you weren't the one who fell. Does that make sense?

No, it doesn't. Because that's theater of the Cluster B. And I want to finish with one statement that I saw that I think might sum this kind of all up that I just went over and I was able to tie this list that I just read to you into this podcast. Theater of the Cluster B because that's what it is.

You're playing a part in their Kabuki theater. It moves ever so slowly. Look up Kabuki theater to understand if you're not familiar with what it is. It's Japanese theater. It's quiet. And every move is methodical and very slow because that's our relationships with these people. It's slow. It's torturous. So here's an interesting statement. Love didn't hurt you. Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you.

Someone who doesn't know how to love hurt you. Don't confuse the two. You know, we will frequently tie in the fact, we will tie in with the Cluster B love. Love has nothing to do with it.

Listen to my podcast. What's love got to do with it? It just doesn't. Tina Turner sang that song and she really hit it on the head. New episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time. Thank you for making this podcast more than just a podcast. It's a community. I say to you, be well and in whatever you do, be good. This has been my inner torch. Thank you for joining us today on my inner torch, one of the fastest growing podcasts focusing solely on Cluster B relationships.

We hope this episode has shed light on the challenging journey we all face, offering you insights, empathy, and a sense of community. Your support means the world to us. To our listeners, survivors, and allies, your strength and courage inspire us every week. Together, we are breaking the silence, and together we are healing. Don't forget, my inner torch is more than just a podcast, it's a lifeline. We're here for you, and we're in this together.

Join us again next week, Friday at 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time, as we continue to explore this vital topic, share stories of resilience, and empower each other to thrive beyond the shadows. Until then, keep your inner torch burning bright, and remember, your strength knows no bounds.

I'm David Fox.