Can you identify covert put downs from your Cluster B?

In this podcast of “My Inner Torch” I address five covert put-downs used by Cluster B's. I provide examples of these tactics and discuss the challenge of recognizing neglectful and dysfunctional put-downs by Cluster B's. Do you encounter these and how do you deal with these put-downs. 

Transcript

Welcome to My Inner Torch, the podcast that shines a light on the shadows of Cluster B abuse. In this podcast, we delve deep into the world of abusive relationships, offering insight, healing, and hope. Our host has walked the same path that many of you have. Each week, he opens up about his personal experiences and shares stories of other brave individuals who face the same struggles. In this podcast, we navigate the complexities of Cluster B abuse, offering support, understanding, and guidance. Cluster B personalities can leave scars that are invisible to the eye, but deeply etched into our souls. It's time to break the silence, dispel the myths, and ignite the torch within us all. My Inner Torch is more than a podcast. It's a community of survivors, thrivers, and seekers of truth. We believe that by sharing our stories and knowledge, we can transform pain into power and darkness into resilience. So whether you're a survivor seeking solace, a friend wanting to understand, or a listener eager to learn, you're not alone.

My Inner Torch illuminates the path towards healing and empowerment. Today, we explore five types of covert put-downs you should be aware of in dealing with your Cluster B. Thanks, David. I wanted to start this podcast today with a saying, with a paragraph. You know, I like gleaning information from different areas on the web that I find inspirational and that I like to share with you. And this talks about the fear of being alone. Cluster Bs, they fear being alone. They don't want to be abandoned.

They don't want to be alone, especially borderlines. No doubt about that. The fear of abandonment, the fear of you leaving, that's tantamount to their living hell. And the narcissist, until they're ready to discard you, well, they don't want you to leave either. And then when they discard you and perhaps you're not around, then they may decide, you know what, I'm going to kind of go back to old faithful, old reliable, and hoover you back. Here's a saying, here's a paragraph that I want to read to you and listen carefully. If you're with a Cluster B, you are in that relationship alone anyway.

Alone when you needed support. Alone when they were flirting with others. Alone when they gave you the silent treatment. Alone when you celebrated holidays. Alone, alone, alone, always alone.

Don't kid yourself. You were alone the whole damn time. And that I think encapsulates the neglect, the not seeing you in the relationship that the Cluster B will do frequently. The silent treatment, all the mind games that we have to put up with. But here's interesting. Here's an interesting thing that I want to discuss today. The five types of covert put downs. And I think these will resonate as they resonated with me. So listen carefully because I'm going to give you five types of covert put downs that Cluster B's employ with regularity. And I can say that each one of these encapsulates my wife of over 21 years, my relationship of over 23 years with my wife who I suspect is a covert narcissist, comorbid with borderline personality disorder. But again, you know, I don't like putting labels on people because she has not been clinically diagnosed with either personality disorder.

But she fits into somebody who is an abuser and it doesn't matter whether she's a borderline. It doesn't matter whether she's a narcissist. And that's what I think we all get hung up on. I see this posted a lot on Facebook.

How can you hurt a narcissist? How can you do this? How do you know we're all in this state of confusion? But these relationships are abusive. They're neglectful and they're dysfunctional. So five types of covert put downs that apply to your relationship with a Cluster B.

There's the Debbie Downer. When you share great news or accomplish something, the narcissist or Cluster B individual tries to find something negative in what you're proud of. Or they're a fear mongerer or they even directly or indirectly insult your accomplishment in something else or in someone else, i.e., oh, that must have been expensive. I heard that process is a nightmare. My friend did that and it was horrible. I find this amazing because the other day, and it was actually going to be a theme of one of my podcasts, making a negative out of a positive. The other day, I live in the Northeast United States and we had a snowstorm and my wife was getting ready to go to work and I went out and cleared her car. And so when I came back in, she was getting ready to leave and she's like, oh, you were just a lunatic out there. You know, oh my gosh, you're just, you're a crazy person clearing my car and I would have, I would have helped you. Well, okay.

First off, you didn't help me. You were inside the house having a conversation with our daughter and you saw what I was doing.

So okay, mark number one. And then mark number two, instead of saying, hey, thanks for doing that, you turned a positive into a negative. And that's what cluster Bs do.

That's the Debbie Downer. Frequently they will find something negative in something positive, like an accomplishment or like something you want to share with them, something you're excited about. That's the Debbie Downer, one of the five types of covert put downs.

Number two is the minimizer. Similarly, minimizing comments serve to deflate the gravity of the good news or what you've accomplished. An example of which is, well, anyone can get a degree these days or well, just goes to show how easy doing that is. So if you do a triple backflip off of a diving board, they're going to say, well, everybody does that.

I can do that. I can probably do it better than you. Again, turning a positive, your positive, and putting a negative light on it, basically demeaning you, taking you down a peg.

Number three, the self-centered re-centering. When a cluster B individual is jealous of your success, which they inherently will be, they may try to center themselves rather than giving you an authentic congratulations, which is what I talked about just before. And the example of which is, well, yeah, you know, I actually did this.

They'll start talking about themselves. So you can say, hey, you know, I passed this test. Well, you know, I passed that test too and I went with flying colors. It immediately becomes something about them, not about you. They're not going to share in your success. They're going to try to take that success away from you and they're going to possess it with the self-centered re-centering. And number four is the unimpressed. Toxic cluster B individuals love to act unimpressed in the face of incredible joy and achievements. An example of which is, I'm not one to care about things like that.

Good for you though. So yeah, you know what? It doesn't interest me, but you know, I'm happy for you. My wife has done that many times.

We're not in related career fields. So yeah. Okay. That's great. I'm glad you did that.

I'm happy for you. Kinda. Sorta. Not really. So these are things that you need to pay attention to. These are covert put downs. And number five, and this is one of my favorites, is moving the goalposts. When you've achieved one goal, the cluster B will set up yet another expectation of you or emphasize something they perceive you're missing while boasting about themselves. Example of which is, so you have a master's degree.

When are you going to get your PhD? So you moved into your dream home. So when are you getting married?

Me and my husband. It's things like that, that they basically, you can never do enough for these people. And I've stressed that in many podcasts, you will never reach the bar. And that's what I've done in my relationship. I've always tried to think of ways that I can appease my wife, that I can show my wife. And just the other day we had a conversation in which she basically told me that she was hurt. She was hurt because our daughter purchased a present for her that she wanted for many, many years. And she went out and bought it for herself. It was a piece of jewelry, but I should have known because she's been asking for it for 20 years and I should have known I should have been a mind reader.

She's very difficult to please to begin with. And I wouldn't have bought that piece of jewelry in fear that it wouldn't have been good enough. But she went out and bought it for herself and our daughter said, Hey, you know what? I'm going to go ahead and get that for you for Christmas. And here we are almost a month after Christmas. And she related how hurt she was that I didn't do it. And I knew that she wanted this piece of jewelry and why didn't I get it? And for 20 years she's been asking for it and I never got it.

And she's hurt. I mean, make sense of that. And that I haven't done a certain home project for many, many years. And so because I haven't done these things, the piece of jewelry and this home project, I don't care about her.

I don't love her. And she's hurt. And then comes the martyr part, which I thought was interesting.

Well, I guess, and this is her speaking. I guess I just have to accept that about you. I guess I just have to move on and, you know, just accept the fact that you don't care about me. You don't love me because she set the goalpost and I didn't meet it. And had I met it, she would have probably said I shouldn't spend the money because we had talked about it for this Christmas saying we're going to keep things within a budget.

And these are unattainable things. And if I did do that home project, there would be another home project that would be after that.

That's moving the goalposts. Do you see the lunacy in all of this? Do you see how difficult it is to maintain a relationship with a cluster B because the rules of engagement constantly change and you don't even know these are not posted rules. This is not a rule of a game like chess where you know that the pawn moves only two moves when you start the game and then one move after that. Well, in the world of the cluster B, the game is constantly changing. The rules of engagement are constantly changing. So this way you can never attain victory.

You will always be behind the eight ball, so to speak. Pathetic. Pathetic. It really is my inner torch at gmail.com. I always appreciate hearing from you and I thank you for your continued support of this podcast.

Thank you so much. This podcast has become one of the leading podcasts with and for cluster B relationships because they are so complicated. More people like myself should be out there talking about their experiences so that you can gain knowledge and take that knowledge, apply it into your own relationship and maybe come out of the fog. As you probably know, new episodes uploaded each and every Friday at 10 a.m.

Eastern Standard Time. Be well and whatever you do, be good. This has been my inner torch. Thank you for joining us today on my inner torch, one of the fastest growing podcasts focusing solely on cluster B relationships. We hope this episode has shed light on the challenging journey we all face, offering you insights, empathy and a sense of community. Your support means the world to us, to our listeners, survivors and allies. Your strength and courage inspire us every week. Together we are breaking the silence and together we are healing. Don't forget, my inner torch is more than just a podcast, it's a lifeline.

We're here for you and we're in this together. Join us again next week, Friday at 10 a.m. Eastern Standard Time as we continue to explore this vital topic, share stories of resilience and empower each other to thrive beyond the shadows. Until then, keep your inner torch burning bright and remember, your strength knows no bounds.

I'm David Fox. Thanks for listening.