Book of Revelation Volume 02

In this episode we compile chapters 4, 5 and 6 of the Book of Revelation into one easy volume.

Have you ever wondered what happens when ancient religious texts and hallucinogenic experiences collide? Our latest deep dive into the Book of Revelation might just convince you that John of Patmos was experiencing something far more chemical than divine.
 
Taking you straight through heaven's door in Chapter 4, we explore John's fantastical descriptions of beings that shine like precious stones, a floor made of glass "like unto crystal," and creatures covered in eyes with faces of lions, calves, men, and eagles. We compare these vivid visions to documented medical cases of hallucinations, including a fascinating 2022 paper describing patients who see "colourful crystal sheens" during altered states of consciousness. The parallels are undeniable and hilarious.
 
The biblical connections run deep as we trace John's inspiration to earlier prophets like Ezekiel and Isaiah, showing how he borrowed elements from their visions while adding his own psychedelic twist. We dissect the significance of jasper and sardine stones, analyze the mysterious sea of glass (with at least six competing interpretations), and question whether eternal existence spent repeating "Holy, holy, holy" truly represents paradise.
 
Our irreverent analysis adds yet another theory to what Revelation might actually be – beyond prophecy, coded rebellion literature, xenophobic propaganda, or incel manifesto, we now must consider "hallucination dream journal" as a strong possibility. Whether you're a skeptic, a believer, or somewhere in between, our comedic breakdown offers fresh insights into this ancient text that continues to fascinate and perplex readers across millennia. Listen now, and remember – as we always say at the end – that's why Satan is my superhero.

In Chapter 5 YHWH clutches an unreadable book, a slain lamb shows up with seven horns and seven eyes, and a countless horde of angels simps hard for the apocalypse. Also featuring: thoughts and prayers (now available in jar form), David Koresh laying down the rules, and Jesus—just a lonely guy looking for love.

Expect savage biblical satire, original comedy sketches, and even some punk rock as we question the foundations of Christian prophecy, Heaven, and the entire end times narrative. Whether you're into religious history, skepticism, or just love blasphemous comedy, this deep dive will crack you up and crack the seals wide open (you see what we did there...).

And finally in chapter 6 The Four Horsemen arrive and one of them might be riding a green My Little Pony named Minty. Join us as we plunge headfirst into the book of revelation 6, where John of Patmos takes a break from persecution to write the wildest fanfiction in biblical history.

Expect plague balls, Elon Musk jokes, martyrs begging God for blood vengeance, and the rich elites hiding in caves — some things never change.
 
 If you’ve ever been cast out, laughed at, or told you’re going to Hell—welcome home.  Made for the misfits, the weirdos, the godless and the damned—Satan Is My Superhero is your unholy sanctuary.  

Transcript

 Book of Revelation Volume II

 EP 118

[JUDE, ‘In this episode we continue breaking down,’]

REPLAY: BOR00 [ANNOUNCER, ‘The Book of Revelation.’]

In previous chapters we’ve learned author John of Patmos claims to have been visited by the Holy Ghost and has taken dictation from Jesus himself. 

REPLAY: BOR02 02 [JESUS, ‘Now John I want you to write down everything I say.’

JOHN WRITING, ‘Now John I want you to write down everything I say.’

JESUS, ‘No don't write that part.’]

We’ve also had a glimpse into John’s inter personal relationships with fellow second century Christians.

REPLAY: BOR03 08 [JOHN, ‘I really like what you've done with you hair, Jezebel.’

JEZEBEL, ‘Oh really?’

JOHN, ‘Yes. It detracts from what a slut you are.’

BRIANNA OVER INTERCOM, ‘John of Patmos, report to H.R. immediately.’

JOHN, ‘But I didn’t say slut was a bad thing!’]

In Chapter Four, our intrepid explorer of the imagination, John of Patmos takes us all the way to Heaven. 

01 [TOURIST, 'Don't forget to visit the gift shop!']

Let’s get straight into Verse one. John has just taken the Christ’s, dic…tation.

[LAUGH, ‘Ha Ha.’]

02 [JOHN, ‘After this I looked, and, behold, a door was opened in heaven: and the first voice which I heard was as it were of a trumpet talking with me; which said, Come up hither, and I will shew thee things which must be hereafter.’]

[JUDE, ‘I’m sorry. But I like my god’s to have a voice of thunder.’]

03 [JOHN, 'YHWH? That’s your voice? A trumpet?'

TRUMPET MAKES HAPPY SOUND

JOHN, 'You could have chosen all the sounds in the universe, and you landed on trumpet?'

TRUMPET MAKES SAD SOUND]

Verse two.

04 [JOHN, ‘And immediately I was in the spirit: and, behold, a throne was set in heaven, and one sat on the throne.’]

[JUDE, ‘Do you think, when John says…’]

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘in the spirit'.’]

[JUDE, ‘He means…’]

[SFX BONG]

Yes. But let’s keep reading and find out. Verse three.

05 [JOHN, ‘And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone: and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.’]

[JUDE, ‘Jasper and a sardine stone? A rainbow? Who is John’s ‘in the spirit’ dealer?’]

I’ll have what he’s having! Am I right? Let’s break this down. So first up, 

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘And he that sat was to look upon like a jasper and a sardine stone.’]

[JUDE, ‘John saw a sardine sitting on a throne!’]

[SFX DOLPHIN]

That was a dolphin.

[JUDE, ‘Yeah, I couldn't find a sardine sound effect.’]

And you thought the vocalisations of a mammal, not sharing a common ancestor with sardines for at least four hundred million years, was an adequate replacement?

[JUDE, ‘Well I DID!’]

Anywho, there wasn't a sardine, or a dolphin sitting on the throne. 

06 [GREENIE, ‘Boo! Dolphin hater!’]

Jasper is a type of quartz. While it’s not specified her, Jasper comes in all colours, but most commonly green. 

07 [WORRIED, ‘Which one?’ 

FRIEND, ‘The olive one looks nice.’

WORRIED, ‘Yeah, but what if the lord’s rocking one of the green jaspers?’

FRIEND, ‘Does it really matter?’

WORRIED, ‘Are you kidding me? I don't want to wear the wrong skirt and clash with YHWH!’]

Sardine stone is a red semi-precious mineral known these days as Carnelian. 

[JUDE, ‘Did they call it Sardine because back in John's day it was packed tightly in tin cans?’] 

[BOOM TISH]

No, it was a major export of the city Sardis, so...

08 [DISCLAIMER GUY, 'No sardines were used in the making of this bible passage.']

So as mentioned so long ago, while 'in the spirit' John saw a being that he described as, looking like precious stones.

[JUDE, ‘I'm not saying I have experience with hallucinogens. And I'm not saying I have known lots of people, with experience of hallucinogens. But if did, I WOULD say, this vision of beings that shine like precious stones is very common. I call them gem people. Or I would, if I’d ever seen any.’]

Yes, this particular hallucination is so common, I googled, 'common hallucinations'

[TTS, 'That would explain why my feed is now filled with Russian Bots trying to sell me mushrooms.']

[JUDE, ‘Don't fall for it Teeteaz. They're a rip off. So I've heard.’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Nothing to see here.’]

The first academic paper I came across was published on the National Library of Medicine’s website in 2022. The very first case that paper details is,

09 [NLM, ‘A 57-year-old man with a history of type 2 diabetes mellitus presented with sudden-onset, fully-formed visual hallucinations.’]

The paper then goes on to describe the man’s experience,

10 [NLM, ‘He described the appearance of multiple, normal-sized, and proportioned people standing or sitting in the highway median (left visual field). These people were colorful in nature but without otherwise distinct characteristics.’]

And

11 [NLM, ‘his distorted visual perceptions had evolved and now incorporated other abnormal visual phenomena of a colorful “crystal’’ sheen on the walls’]

So in response to your earlier question, yes, I think we know EXACTLY what John means when he says he was,

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘in the spirit'.’]

[JUDE, ‘John has type 2 diabetes mellitus?’]

I mean maybe?

12 [JUDE, ‘Let’s have a sketch, directed by our very own Tee Tease.’

TTS, ‘Internal. Hospital. Day. Cue ambient hospital sounds. Scene opens on the back of a nurse as she enters a critical care unit. We follow her to a bed occupied by a patient who has just experienced a near death experience. N.D.E. for those of us, in the know. The patient speaks.’

DIABETES DAVE, ‘I went to heaven and met Jesus!’

NURSE, ‘Did you? Next time you see the Christ, could you ask him about your insulin levels? Because while your spirit was in paradise, your body was jerking around on the floor, swallowing your tongue and shitting itself.’

TTS, ‘Fade out ambient hospital sounds. End scene. How did I do?’

JUDE, ‘I have notes.’]

Back to Revelation. Of note here is the choice of Jasper and Sardine stones. Those two stones, show up in the Old Testament. They are the first and the last of the 12 stones, to be worn on the high priest's breastplate. As per the ridiculous instructions, on how YHWH is to be worshipped, in the book of Exodus.

13 [DOUBTER, ‘Excuse me Moses, will YHWH really turn us all to ash if the first layer of curtains in the Tabernacle, isn't exactly ten curtains, each eight and twenty cubits long by four cubits wide, of fine twined blue, purple and scarlet linen, inlaid with cherubims? Or is it just, that your brother in law had exactly ten curtains, each eight and twenty cubits long by four cubits wide, of fine twined blue, purple and scarlet linen, inlaid with cherubims, in stock, at his shop?’

MOSES MAKES THUNDER NOISE

MOSE, ‘Did you hear that thunder?’

DOUBTFUL, ‘No.’

MOSES, ‘I think YHWH is calling me. Coming Lord!’

SFX RUNNING FEET]

And finally, pulling apart verse three gives us,

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘and there was a rainbow round about the throne, in sight like unto an emerald.’]

The rainbow could be taken to represent the rainbow, placed in the sky after the flood, to remind YHWH, he promised not to wipe out humanity, with a flood, again.

[JUDE, ‘That was YHWH’s postit note.’]

14 [SFX THUNDER

GABRIEL, ‘No YHWH the rainbow means DON'T wipe out all the humans. DON'T kill everyone. Remember?’

SFX ANGRY THUNDER

GABRIEL, ‘I know. But you promised.’

SFX ANGRY THUNDER

GABRIEL, ‘Yeah, but you’ll be breaking a promise to yourself. And you don’t want to be that dude. Do you?’

SFX SAD THUNDER]

Most apologists I read agree, the rainbow is multi coloured as one would expect a rainbow to be. But green is the dominant colour.

15 [WORRIED, ‘See! This is exactly what I was talking about! “The olive one looks nice.” You said. “Does it really matter?” you said. Yes it fucking mattered! Now I look like an idiot in front of YHWH! Fuck you!’]

Verse four.

16 [JOHN, ‘And round about the throne were four and twenty seats: and upon the seats I saw four and twenty elders sitting, clothed in white raiment; and they had on their heads crowns of gold.’]

You might be surprised to learn there are many theories about who these 24 elders are.

[GASP, 'I didn't see that coming.']

These 24 elders might be the ones handpicked by King David back in the day. 

17 [DAVID, ‘Eenie meenie minie moe…’]

In First Chronicles, we are fed a story of David drawing lots, to decide the order, in which 24 priests from 2 prominent families, would serve at the temple.

18 [SFX BINGO BARREL

DAVID, 'Okay, first lot is, Jehoiarib. Sorry bra! Looks like you’re cleaning the toilets on Thursdays.'

JEHOIARIB, 'Oh man! I hate it when we draw lots! Firetruck you David!'

DAVID, 'Hey totes for real my guy, hate the game not the playa!']

Verse five.

19 [JOHN, ‘And out of the throne proceeded lightnings and thunderings and voices: and there were seven lamps of fire burning before the throne, which are the seven Spirits of God.’]

[JUDE, ‘Okay! “lightnings and thunderings and voices”. This is the YHWH I know and love.’]

20 [BLUEY, ‘Go away trumpet! No one wants you here.’

SFX SAD TRUMPET]

Now these,

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘seven lamps of fire burning before the throne.’]

…are reminiscent of the seven candlesticks from chapters one and two in this very book. But it’s more likely John is referencing Exodus, once again. Where Moses was given very explicit instructions from YHWH on how YHWH ought, best be worshipped. He mentioned seven very specific and elaborate lamps. 

21 [DOUBTFUL, 'Excuse me Moses, don't you think it's weird, that YHWH specifically asked for pure gold lamps, beaten into the shape of an almond tree. With trunk, branches, flowers and buds. And your cousin, just happens to exclusively make, pure gold lamps, beaten into the shape of an almond tree. With trunk, branches, flowers and buds?'

MOSES MAKES THUNDER NOISE

MOSE, ‘Did you hear that thunder?’

DOUBTFUL, ‘No.’

MOSES, ‘I think YHWH is calling me. Coming Lord!’

SFX RUNNING FEET]

Verse six.

22 [JOHN, ‘And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal: and in the midst of the throne, and round about the throne, were four beasts full of eyes before and behind.’

BEAST, ‘Eeeeewwwwhhhh! I can see my own butthole! I can see my own butthole.’]

We’ll get to the eyes. But first,

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘And before the throne there was a sea of glass like unto crystal.']

Later on in this madness, a sea of glass will be mentioned again. Those who do NOT follow the antichrist in the end times, will get to stand on this sea of glass.

23 [WORRIED, ‘So, this is the reward for denying temptation? Standing on glass? I feel a bit ripped off.’]

I think the sea of glass is pretty simply, Heaven's floor. 

[JUDE, ‘Is Bob Dylan knocking on it?’]

What? No. Anyway, my heaven’s floor theory is just one of the many, many explanations for what this sea of glass might be. 

[JUDE, ‘I’m very surprised, you’ve found division among Christians.’]

Here are just the first six expert explanations I found.

24 [JAZZY, 'It's time for a list. It’s list time, yeah.']

One: This sea represents a sea of people, the whole human race.

[JUDE, ‘Gross.’]

Two: The blood of Christ. 

[JUDE, ‘Why would it be that?’]

Three: The wading pool in the O.G. Tabernacle.

[JUDE, ‘Wouldn’t it be the other way round? The wading pool in the O.G. Tabernacle would be the representation of the sea of glass. You, know what, forget about it, I’m getting drawn into the madness. Carry on with your list.’]

Four: A medium for all entering heaven to be baptized. 

[JUDE, ‘That’s kind of the wading pool again. But whatever.’]

Five: The Earth's atmosphere, signifying Heaven sits directly on top of our world. Which is pretty much, my heaven’s floor theory.

[JUDE, ‘Where we can upskirt the angels.’]

And six: It's a metaphor. Just like the sea, under YHWH, exist many mysterious things. 

[JUDE, ‘Like dolphins and their very, very close cousins, sardines.’]

The list goes on and on.

[TTS, 'Trust me. The list gets dumber. I had to limit her to six.']

There is one more.

[TTS, 'I failed.']

My favourite, was that, it is the looking glass, through which YHWH, looks down on the world.

25 [TEEN, 'And that’s why I always masturbate UNDER the blanket.']

[JUDE, ‘Perhaps John just imagined a really well polished floor? And not that I know from experience, but a polished floor can have a powerful effect on you, when you're tripping balls.’]

26 [TRIPPER, 'Oh wow! I can see myself in the floor. It's like I'm looking straight into my soul. I can see everything. Like that time I kissed Michael Buckingham's ex on the swings. I don't think she was even that into it! I'm such a shit person!'

TRIPPER SOBBING]

Alright, in Verse seven, we get to hear more about these four beasts.

27 [JOHN, 'And the first beast was like a lion, and the second beast like a calf, and the third beast had a face as a man, and the fourth beast was like a flying eagle.']

[JUDE, ‘Alright this is what I’m here for!’]

These four beasts sound a lot like the one's found in Ezekiel. Except Ezekiel's were more human like in their main body. Ezekiel calls them, 'living creatures'. They have four wings and calf feet that shine like burnished bronze.

28 [CRITIC, 'Can I just say, darling, I love the wings. The wings are hot. The wings are sexy. The wings are now!'

(BEAT)

CRITIC, 'The little calf feet? What are you going for there?']

According to Ezekiel, each of these winged living creatures had four faces.

29 [EZEKIEL, 'As for the likeness of their faces, they four had the face of a man, and the face of a lion, on the right side: and they four had the face of an ox on the left side; they four also had the face of an eagle.'

REPLAY: SITW 02 09 [NIXON, ‘Cackaw! Cackaw!’]

So John has taken Ezekiel's lion, ox, man and eagle faces, and spread them over four different beasts.

[JUDE, ‘I feel like that would make relationships easier.’]

30 [WIFE, 'Don't you turn your cow face on me!'

HUSBAND, 'Moo.']

Ezekiel also talks about each of his four living creatures, being accompanied by a wheel shaped creature covered in eyes.

[JUDE, ‘I'm sorry. What?']

Yeah, a wheel filled with multiple wheels. The rims of each of those multiple wheels, is covered in eyeballs.

[JUDE, ‘These are the moments when you think, maybe this book isn’t made up. Coz, who would make that up?']

31 [BANDIT, ‘Probably someone who’s “in the spirit”.’

SFX BONG]

These eye covered wheels, move with, the four living creatures and Ezekiel says,

32 [EZEKIEL, 'The spirit of the living creature was in the wheels.']

[JUDE, ‘I’ve known dudes like that’]

33 [SFX V8 REVVING

BRICK, ‘I love car.’]

John simplified Ezekiel’s creature design by losing the wheel and incorporating the eyes, into the four beasts themselves.

REPLAY: BEAST, [‘Eeeeewwwwhhhh! I can see my own butthole! I can see my own butthole.’]

Sidenote: There are also four beasts mentioned in Daniel and Daniel is certainly an influence on John. But those four beasts are not quite the same.

34 [HECKLER, ‘Suck it Daniel! Your beasts suck!’

(BEAT)

HECKLER, ‘I said, suck twice. I just feel like that could have been composed better. Is this a first draft?’]

Verse eight.

35 [JOHN, 'And the four beasts had each of them six wings about him; and they were full of eyes within: and they rest not day and night, saying, Holy, holy, holy, Lord God Almighty, which was, and is, and is to come.']

So Ezekiel's living creatures only had four wings. But in another book, from the Old Testament. The seraphim, Isaiah describes, have six wings.

[JUDE, 'What are the seraphim?']

We don’t get much description from Isaiah other than, the Seraphim have six wings and buzz around the head of YHWH screeching,

36 [SERAPHIM, 'Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.']

Which is pretty much exactly what John of Patmos just said.

[JUDE, ‘An eternity of six winged monsters buzzing around your head chanting the same thing over and over? Of course, that’s how YHWH spends eternity, in the eyes of these weirdos.’]

37 [SERAPHIM, 'Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.'

(BEAT)

SERAPHIM, 'Do you think we can stop now?'

ANGEL, 'Would you like to be turned into a pile of ash?'

SERAPHIM, 'Holy, holy, holy, is the Lord of hosts: the whole earth is full of his glory.']

I feel confident making the case, John's four beasts are a combination of Ezekiel's living creatures and Isaiah's seraphim. But just be aware, as always….

38 [JAZZY, ‘Many disagree.’

APOLOGIST, ‘It's definitely not the obvious and simple thing. It's actually very obscure and I couldn't possibly explain it to you. It too complicated.’ 

DOUBTY, ‘Is it though?’]

Verse nine.

39 [JOHN, ‘And when those beasts give glory and honour and thanks to him that sat on the throne, who liveth for ever and ever.’]

[JUDE, ‘Heaven sounds fun.’]

40 [UNENTHUSIASTIC, 'Thank you YHWH, for creating us to exist forever in this place, praising you over and over, every moment of every day, forever and ever. We totally don't wish for the sweet relief of oblivion, every single moment of every single day.']

Verses ten and eleven.’

41 [JOHN, ‘The four and twenty elders fall down before him that sat on the throne, and worship him that liveth for ever and ever, and cast their crowns before the throne, saying, Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.’]

[JUDE, ‘I know you mentioned it earlier. But there was too much other stuff going on. What are priests doing wearing crowns?']

The priestly class wear crowns in the Bible. When else can they LARP it up, if not in their own book? If I wrote a book about my made up bullshit, I would have a crown.

42 [UNENTHUSIASTIC, 'Holy, holy, holy, Lord Lexi, which was, and is, and is to come.']

Chapter Five. Verse One.

03 [JOHN, ‘And I saw in the right hand of him that sat on the throne a book written within and on the backside, sealed with seven seals.’]

The book mentioned there is YHWH'S naughty or nice list.

REPLAY BOR03 19 [JIMMY, ‘Santa, I would like a playstation for Christmas.’ 

SANTA, ‘Ho, ho, ho, little Jimmy. I'm sorry but you thought about boobs after seeing down Mrs Wilson's top. You're going to be murdered by the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe. Sleep well.’]

[JUDE, ‘I have a personal bugbear with the seven seals. In every Hollywood end of days movie, there’s always, the seven seals and almost nothing else from Revelation. What's that all about?’]

04 [PRODUCER, 'When you first pitched this idea to me, I couldn't believe no one had thought of doing Revelation the Movie before!

WRITER, 'I know right? It's so filmic!'

PRODUCER, 'Oh my god! It's  sooooo filmic. Anywho, the accountants have been through your script and made some cuts. Have a look, see what you think.'

WRITER, 'They've cut the seven headed beast rising out of the ocean. The army of locusts with human faces, lion’s teeth and scorpion tails coming out of the pit of Hell. The two hundred thousand horsemen wearing flaming breastplates. Riding horses with lions heads, breathing fire with tails that are serpents with multiple heads. There’s no topless Jezebel riding a dragon. There’s no dragon at all!’

PRODUCER, ‘Yep.’

WRITER, ‘So the only part of Revelation we're keeping is the seven seals?'

PRODUCER, ‘Yes. As long as we only talk about them in dialogue.']

Verse Two.

05 [JOHN, ‘And I saw a strong angel proclaiming with a loud voice,’

ANGEL, ‘Who is worthy to open the book, and to loose the seals thereof?’

TRANSITION

LIBRARIAN, ‘Hey! No proclaiming with a loud voice. This is a library.'

ANGEL WHISPERING, 'Sorry. I got excited at the possibility of the end of days. I can’t wait for it to be over. Not only is Heaven an unmitigated living Hell, it’s also boring.']

Verse Three.

06 [JOHN, ‘And no man in heaven, nor in earth, neither under the earth, was able to open the book, neither to look thereon.’]

[JUDE, ‘YHWH made a book no one can open. Typical.’]

07 [TRUMPET TRIUMPHANT

ANGEL, 'YHWH, did you superglue the book closed again?'

TRUMPET HAPPY

ANGEL, 'That doesn't make it okay!'

TRUMPET SAD]

Verse Four.

08 [JOHN, ‘And I wept much, because no man was found worthy to open and to read the book, neither to look thereon.’]

[JUDE, ‘John's not a great house guest. He comes over to your place and because you have a book he can't open, he starts weeping!’]

09 [JOHN SOBBING, ‘Why won't you let me open this book?'

MUM, ‘That’s my daughter’s diary! I would never… I um, I just don’t know…'

JOHN SOBBING, ‘It’s pornography isn’t it’

MUM, ‘What?’

JOHN SOBBING, ‘That’s why you won’t let me look!’

MUM, ‘I need you to leave right now.’

JOHN SOBBING, ‘Can I take the diary?’]

Verse Five.

10 [JOHN, ‘And one of the elders saith unto me, Weep not: behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof.’]

In case you're wondering, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David is Jesus.

[JUDE, 'In the Australian vernacular, David's root is something quite different.']

Only Jesus has the authority to open YHWH'S naughty or nice list.

[JUDE, ‘But according to the totally not made up after the fact Holy Trinity, Jesus IS YHWH, so it’s completely meaningless that Jesus knows YHWH’s password.’]

[SATAN, ‘It’s 6969.’]

John of Patmos is making up his story a hundred years before that. So you can't blame him for not knowing about it.

11 [JOHN, 'I sure hope there aren't any unexpected and unjustified doctrinal shifts over the next century. Because, boy will I have egg on my face!']

Verse Six.

12 [JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth.’]

[JUDE, 'How does John envision these seven horns and seven eyes being arranged on this slain lamb? Like can you imagine the first art department meeting for this concept?’]

13 [JOHN, 'The way I saw it was, a perfect circle of seven eyes and seven horns around the butthole.'

BRIANNA, 'So nine eyes and horns then?'

JOHN, 'No! Seven.'

BRIANNA, 'So this lamb had no eyes on its face or horns on its head?'

JOHN, 'I'm just telling you what I saw Brianna!'

BRIANNA, 'You must having been staring at that dead lamb's butthole for quite a while to count all the eyes and horns?'

JOHN, 'Wouldn't you?']

Verse Seven.

14 [JOHN, ‘And he came and took the book out of the right hand of him that sat upon the throne.’]

[JUDE, 'So this dead lamb backs up to YHWH and grabs the book with its chocolate starfish?']

Well, according to the physics we've established in our sketch, yes.

[JUDE, 'Cool.']

Verse Eight.

15 [JOHN, ‘And when he had taken the book, the four beasts and four and twenty elders fell down before the Lamb, having every one of them harps, and golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints.’]

[JUDE, 'Golden vials full of odours, which are the prayers of saints?! The prayers of saints are farts in jars aren’t they.’]

16 [CHRISTIAN, 'Oh dear! There's been another mass shooting at a kindergarten. I have to fight down the impulse to admit we need societal changes before it happens to my kids. Because if I did that, then I wouldn't be owning the libs and owning the libs is more important than honesty, morality or the lives of my own children. But I do want to reach out and signal to everyone that I pretend to care. Thoughts and prayers?'

ANNOUNCER, 'Does this ever happen to you?'

CHRISTIAN, 'Yes! It's happening to me right now.'

ANNOUNCER, 'Of course it's happening to you. You're in the ad...'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, 'Just remember what the therapist said. Calm deep breaths. Calm deep breaths.'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, 'Do you want to send something more tangible than thoughts and prayers?'

CHRISTIAN, 'Yes I do. Is tangible a tangerine flavoured NFT?'

ANNOUNCER, 'Well worry no more piss stain. New from Christ Incorporated, Saints Farts in a Jar.'

SFX JAR OPENING RELEASING FART

ANNOUNCER, 'Saints Farts in a Jar. Just as effective as prayer, but you can smell it.'

CHRISTIAN, ‘Thanks Saints Farts in a Jar. I can’t wait for the next hurricane.’

ANNOUNCER, 'Saints Farts in a Jar. Let them smell you care.'

(BEAT)

ANNOUNCER, ‘Saints Farts in a Jar is a trademarked product of Chri$t Incorporated. Chri$t Incorporated is a subsidiary of YHWH International. Stay stupid and keep hating.’

CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Stay stupid and keep hating.’]

Verses Nine and Ten.

17 [JOHN, ‘And they sung a new song, saying,’

ELDERS, ‘Thou art worthy to take the book, and to open the seals thereof: for thou wast slain, and hast redeemed us to God by thy blood out of every kindred, and tongue, and people, and nation; And hast made us unto our God kings and priests: and we shall reign on the earth.’]

[JUDE, ‘So let me get this straight. In heaven, Jesus is a slain lamb with seven horns and seven eyes?’]

Yes.

[JUDE, ‘Seven eyes and seven horns around his arsehole?']

Well WE mentioned the butthole. John didn't specify.

[JUDE, ‘I think it’s heavily implied in the text.']

I don’t think it is.

[JUDE, ‘Agree to disagree.’]

Let’s move on, so anyway, there’s 24 elders on their knees singing praise to a dead lamb, who has just made them all ‘god kings’.

18 [ELDERS, ‘We is rich! Biatches!']

You'll be very surprised to learn this ‘god kings’ line is not universally accepted.

[JUDE, 'Shut the front door!']

I know right. It is not in a lot of other modern translations AND where it shows up in some early manuscripts it actually reads as, 

19 [JOHN, ‘And hast made THEM unto our God, kings and priests: and THEY shall reign on the earth.’]

Which I think we can all agree is more in keeping with the totalitarian nature of Christianity. Having said that you will find King James Version fundamentalists arguing this line means the true believers will all get to divie up the remnants of the Earth’s population after Armageddon and rule their own little fiefdoms.

[JUDE, 'Gee I wonder what would happen if a Christian was given control with no fear of reprisals?']

20 [KORESH, 'Welcome to my post tribulation kingdom. Rule number one. There will be absolutely no sex. No one is having any sex at all. I’ll make up the rest of the rules as we go. As far as living conditions go. All males works in the fields all day and live in the barn. Older ladies will cook and clean and sleep in the kitchen. Younger females will all live in the big house with me.'

(BEAT)

KORESH, ‘And that reminds me. Rule number two. Rule number one doesn’t apply to those of us living in the big house.’]

Verse Eleven.

21 [JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and I heard the voice of many angels round about the throne and the beasts and the elders: and the number of them was ten thousand times ten thousand, and thousands of thousands;’]

[JUDE, 'I'm not saying John of Patmos sounds like a small child making up a story, but...']

22 [MUM, 'How many angels were there little Johnny?'

LIL JOHNNY, 'Ten thousand.'

(BEAT)

LIL JOHNNY, 'Times ten thousand.'

(BEAT)

LIL JOHHNY, 'And thousands.'

 (BEAT)

LIL JOHNNY, 'Of thousands.’]

Verse Twelve.

23 [JOHN, ‘Saying with a loud voice,’ 

ANGELS, ‘Worthy is the Lamb that was slain to receive power, and riches, and wisdom, and strength, and honour, and glory, and blessing.’]

[JUDE, ‘It sounds like being an angel is just simping for YHWH.’]

[SATAN, ‘In its defence. It’s also boring.’]

Verse Thirteen.

24 [JOHN, ‘And every creature which is in heaven, and on the earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying, Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever.’]

[JUDE, ‘Do you think when John said,’]

REPLAY: [JOHN, ‘ …and all that are in them..’]

[JUDE, ‘He knew about bacteria? Did John of Patmos, discover germ theory?’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Probably not.’]

[JUDE, ‘And follow up question. Can germs go to heaven?’]

Yes. And that’s why you can't get in if you're vaccinated. 

[TTS, ‘Lexi is joking. Get vaccinated, you fucking morons! Yes. This is Tee Tease. This is my voice now. We had to… it’s a whole thing. Just get used to it.’]

Verse Fourteen.

25 [JOHN, ‘And the four beasts said, Amen. And the four and twenty elders fell down and worshipped him that liveth for ever and ever.’]

[JUDE, ‘I feel like the elders have fallen multiple times already. That’s not advisable at their age.']

26 [ELDER, 'Me knees! Me precious knees!']

Where we kick off chapter six, John of Patmos is standing on a sea of glass and observing YHWH being worshipped by this bizarre array of weird elders, strange monsters and biblically accurate terrifying angels.

[JUDE, 'Sounds like one of Diddy's freak offs.']

Also appearing here is Jesus in the form of a dead lamb with seven eyes and seven horns. 

[JUDE, 'That’s right trinitarians, Jesus and YHWH are in the same room at the same time together.']

[SATAN, 'A trick Clark Kent and Superman never pulled off ']

Verse one.

02 [JOHN, 'And I saw when the Lamb opened one of the seals, and I heard, as it were the noise of thunder,'

SFX THUNDER

JOHN, 'one of the four beasts saying,'

BEAST1, 'Come and see.']

[JUDE, 'Stranger danger John! Didn't your mum teach you anything? Don't come and see! Don't come and see!’]

I think John will come and see. Let’s find out. Verse Two.

03 [JOHN, ‘And I saw…’

LEXI, ‘Called it.’

JOHN, ‘...and behold a white horse: and he that sat on him had a bow; and a crown was given unto him: and he went forth conquering, and to conquer.’]

That's right people! We have reached the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse. 

[SFX CROWD GOES WILD PARTY WHISTLES FIREWORKS ETC]

[JUDE, ‘I have a lump in my throat.’]

You will be very, very surprised to learn no one agrees on who or what these horsemen represent. 

[JAZZY, 'Many disagree.']

So in this episode right now we’re just going to apply the most widely recognised interpretations of these horsemen. 

04 [MONKS CHANTING, ‘Boring.’]

BUT in the next episode we’re letting the internet’s freak flag fly and ALL the crazies come out to play.

05 [FLERF, 'Each horseman represents a different period in the career of Bob Ross.'

QUIET MONKS CHANTING, ‘All hail the ASMR antichrist.']

Probably the most commonly known representation of the rider of the white horse is as pestilence or plague.

06 [WHITERIDER, 'Gross! Why do I have to ride the plague horse? There's plague on my balls now isn't there!']

However John of Patmos does not associate this horseman with pestilence, plague or any infectious disease.

07 [JOHN, ‘Sick people make me vomit in my mouth.’]

This pestilence is a VERY modern interpretation. It only shows up in the record for the first time in the 20th century!

08 [WHITEY, 'Don't you think it's a bit on the nose that the rider of the white horse represents colonisation?'

SCHOLAR, 'My god! You're right. It is a racist stereotype.'

WHITEY, 'When will the rest of the world  forget about all the conquest and forgive us like we forgave ourselves?'

SCHOLAR, 'It's 1905 for crying out loud. We're about to have the most innovative and exciting century in history. As if some white people would screw that up with wars of conquest!'

WHITEY, ‘Oh that’s so Napoleonic! So should we come up with a new theory? I’ve got a good replacement.’

SCHOLAR, ‘Yes, I’ve also got an idea. On the count of three, we’ll both say our replacement theory for who rides the white horse.’

WHITEY, ‘Got it.’

SCHOLAR, ‘One two three. Pestilence.’

WHITEY AT THE SAME TIME, ‘Jews!’

(BEAT)

WHITEY, ‘I mean pestilence. That’s what I said, pestilence.’

SCHOLAR, ‘It sounded like you said…’

WHITEY, ‘Pestilence. That’s what I said, pestilence.’]

Verses three and four.

09 [JOHN, ‘And when he had opened the second seal, I heard the second beast say,’

BEAST2, ‘Come and see.’

JOHN, 'And there went out another horse that was red: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another: and there was given unto him a great sword.']

So the most well known interpretation of the red horse is as war.

[JUDE, 'What's it good for?']

Please don't. The rider of the red horse has been sent to take peace from the Earth and has a sword.

10 [DUNDEE, 'That’s not a knife. THAT’S a knife.']

Verse five.

11 [JOHN, ‘And when he had opened the third seal, I heard the third beast say,’

BEAST3, ‘Come and see.’

JOHN, ‘And I beheld, and lo a black horse; and he that sat on him had a pair of balances in his hand.’]

The rider of the black horse is usually interpreted as famine and you’ll start to see why in verse six.

12 [JOHN, ‘And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say,’

BEAST, ‘A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.’]

These prices are thought to much higher than usual, indicating price gouging in a time of starvation.

[JUDE, 'If John of Patmos wrote this in the 21st century it wouldn't be wheat and barley, it would be toilet paper and computer chips.']

13 [JOHN, 'And I heard a voice in the midst of the four beasts say,'

BEAST, 'Who knew not having anything to wipe your arse with would be a sign of the apocalypse?']

Now you may have noticed the beast said,

REPLAY [BEAST, '...and see thou hurt not the oil and the wine.’]

Many believe this implies luxury goods are not affected by the famine. In other words the wealthy get through hard times just fine.

[JUDE, 'To me it reads like an INSTRUCTION to fuck the poors!']

Most Christians do seem to take it that way. But how about this story? In 92CE, right around the time we think John was sitting in his cave writing Revelation. Parts of the Roman Empire were facing a famine. To mitigate the mass starvation of poor people, the Emperor Domition tried to get the wealthy land owners to swap their grapevines and olive trees with food crops. 

14 [DOMITION, 'Guys, if the populous starves they'll drag us out of our palaces and murder us in the streets.'

MUSK, 'If they have the energy to do that they could just get a job and pull themselves up by their own sandal straps just like my great  great, great grandfather did.'

(BEAT)

MUSK, 'After he got that no interest loan from HIS grandfather.']

Domition failed to get the wealthy land owners to do the right thing. Which I think we can all agree...

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘That was unexpected.’] 

[JUDE, 'How much of a piece of shit do you need to be to make a Roman Emperor look like the good guy?']

It’s the modern day equivalent would be buying Twitter. 

[BOOM TISH LAUGH TRACK]

Verses seven and eight.

15 [JOHN, ‘And when he had opened the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth beast say,’

BEAST4, ‘Come and see.’

JOHN, ‘And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him. And power was given unto them over the fourth part of the earth, to kill with sword, and with hunger, and with death, and with the beasts of the earth.’]

The pale horse might not be pale.

[JUDE, 'Good. It would be stupid to have a red, a black, a white and a NEARLY white horse!']

I don't know if the reality is less stupid. The Greek word used by John of Patmos can mean green.

[JUDE, 'A green horse? That's ridiculous. There isn't even a green My Little Pony!']

Yes there is. Minty!

[JUDE, 'The green My Little Pony, whom I've never seen is called Minty?']

You know Minty the earth pony with three swirled mint candies for her cutie mark?

[JUDE, 'Nope.']

She's clumsy and collects socks, stands on her head, and plays checkers with Sweetberry?

[JUDE, 'I don't know if it's your place to talk to me about MLP? I'll be bringing this up at the next Bronies meeting.']

16 [PRODUCER, 'Marketing are on my back. They need a green pony. We cover every colour of the rainbow. It's kind of our thing. But no green.'

ANIMATOR, 'Green is really hard to work with. Think of all the green pasture backgrounds.'

PRODUCER, 'Just make it happen and come up with a name.'

ANIMATOR, 'How's Greenie sound?'

PRODUCER, 'Sounds like you put in no thought whatsoever.'

ANIMATOR, 'Okay, how about Minty?'

PRODUCER, 'Minty sounds like you’re so pissed off at having to make a green pony, you’re purposefully putting no effort into the name.'

ANIMATOR, 'Minty it is then.']

Of course the most common modern interpretation is that the rider of the pale horse is death. For a start he is named Death.

[JUDE, 'That’s a big giveaway.']

And he seems to be towing Hell behind his horse as one might a caravan.

17 [SFX CAR HORN

ANGRYDRIVER, 'Get off the fucking road grandpa!']

The Greek word John uses that the Kings James Version translates as ‘Hell’ is ‘Hades’. As dedicated listeners will remember from our ‘Disney Demons’ episode,

[ERIC, Gratuitous back catalogue plug.’]

Hades was the ancient Greek god of the underworld. But by the time of John of Patmos, Hades had become the name of the underworld itself.

[JUDE, 'I know of a bloke who had this exact same thing happen.']

Really?

[JUDE, 'Yeah. His real name was Ludicrously Unfunny Unbelievably Ignorant Privileged Hypercritical Dishonest Cunt of a Tool. But that name somehow became associated with a certain type of white guy, so he changed his name to Elon.']

18 [MUSK, 'Hey! No fair! You've done me twice this episode.']

Whether or not John of Patmos would have perceived Hell as a place of eternal conscious torture dreamed up by a psychopath or merely the place where ALL souls end up is a debate for another time.

19 [JAMES, 'Debate me bro!'

MAE, 'Okay then. What's your opening gambit?'

JAMES, 'Oh? Usually people say no, so...']

Verse nine.

20 [JOHN, ‘And when he had opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of them that were slain for the word of God, and for the testimony which they held.’]

Obviously here John is talking about the early Christian martyrs who were murdered for their beliefs.

21 [MATYR, 'We've always been this annoying!']

Verse ten.

22 [JOHN, ‘And they cried with a loud voice, saying,’

MARTYRS, ‘How long, O Lord, holy and true, dost thou not judge and avenge our blood on them that dwell on the earth?’]

That's right, the holy martyred followers of Jesus are asking the lord of love and forgiveness to carry out violence on their enemies. 

[JUDE, 'We have two options here. Either in the next few verses we're going to see these spite filled hate bags get their comeuppance from the Christ for demanding bloody vengeance and clearly missing his message. OR  Christians have been lying about the truth of Christianity.']

Hmm, well let's read on and find out which of those was a real option and which one you were being facetious about.

[SATAN, 'Spoiler alert, it's the lying Christians which is the real option. It's always Christians lying.']

Verse eleven.

23 [JOHN, ‘And white robes were given unto every one of them; and it was said unto them, that they should rest yet for a little season, until their fellow servants also and their brethren, that should be killed as they were, should be fulfilled.’]

[JUDE, ‘Whaaaaat?’]

So that was actually quite an enlightening and disturbing little verse there. That does not get the attention it deserves.

24 [SFX WHIP

BDSM, 'I deserve this!']

At the time of John's visit to Heaven there hadn't yet been enough murdered Christian martyrs to satisfy YHWH'S blood lust.

[JUDE, 'Well it is a death cult after all.']

Yes and this idea that more Christians must die is rampant all through the VERY modern phenomenon of Rapture culture.

25 [CHRISTIAN, 'We invented this last week and now it's my entire personality.']

We have seen in recent years, evangelical Christians lobby to have the US Embassy in Israel moved to Jerusalem specifically and openly with the hope it will cause WWIII.

[JUDE, 'Which is ridiculous. If there's one thing we've learned in the last decade, WWIII will be caused by the use of pronouns.']

Verse twelve.

26 [JOHN, ‘And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood.’]

[JUDE, 'I had that exact same experience entering a portaloo at the Big Day Out in 97.’]

Verse thirteen.

27 [JOHN, ‘And the stars of heaven fell unto the earth, even as a fig tree casteth her untimely figs, when she is shaken of a mighty wind.’]

[JUDE, 'Lexi, what are untimely figs?']

I’m glad you asked. I also found that an odd terminology. Most people agree the Greek word John uses here usually describes unripe fruit. 

[JUDE, ‘Oh, exactly what you would expect it to mean and boring.’]

Yes, and I think it’s obvious the figs are unripe or untimely because the cataclysm is taking them before their time. They have yet to mature, possibly physically but perhaps spiritually. Do you think apologists were able to stop there?

[JUDE, ‘No I do not, but I read ahead.’]

That’s right a number of apologists I read claimed the fruit is described as unripe or untimely because you know the way unripe fruit falls off trees much easier than ripe fruit?

[JUDE, ‘No, I didn’t know that?’]

No! Neither does nature, science, logic, common sense or your own personal observations. But Christian apologists know it. You’d amazed at the things Christian apologists know that simply require heroic amounts of cognitive dissonance. 

[JUDE, ‘I do believe THAT!’]

I would argue as is so often the case John is probably saying the complete opposite thing. He is highlighting how unusual and powerful this mighty wind will be. It will rip the UNRIPE fruit from the trees.

[JUDE, 'To be fair, it is hard to come up with new an original stuff when you're a Christian apologist. Obstacle number one. I.Q.']

28 [BOOM TISH LAUGH TRACK

BILLYHILL, ‘It’s true. I’m stupid.’]

Verse Fourteen.

29 [JOHN, ‘And the heaven departed as a scroll when it is rolled together; and every mountain and island were moved out of their places.’]

[JUDE, 'That must have been very discombobulating for everyone.']

And annoying I expect.

30 [ANNOYED, 'YHWH! Did you forget to put the paperweights on the edges of the world again?']

[JUDE, 'Also, I have to say the imagery of the heavens rolling up like scroll is very compelling. Is John of Patmos a good writer?']

He stole it. The last two verses are lifted almost word for word from Isaiah. 

31 [ISAIAH, 'And all the host of heaven shall be dissolved, and the heavens shall be rolled together as a scroll: and all their host shall fall down, as the leaf falleth off from the vine, and as a falling fig from the fig tree.']

We know John borrows from Isaiah a lot. 

[JUDE, ‘Well they’re cosmic twins. Two psychologically challenged dudes fantasising about their favourite sky daddy wreaking vengeance on all their foes.’]

Yes and in this particular case the verse about falling figs and rolling up scrolls is about YHWH’s bloody vengeance on the Edomites. 

[JUDE, 'Are Edomites like sodomites but do stuff with cheese?']

No. Edomites are the descendants of Esau who lived in Edom.

[JUDE, 'So that’s not a firm no on the cheese fucking.']

Back to John of Patmos, verse fifteen.

32 [JOHN, ‘And the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man, hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains.’]

[JUDE, 'It's a very specific list of what type of person hid themselves?']

33 [MAE  'Hey! Where are all the old white men?'

JAMES, 'They hid themselves in the dens and in the rocks of the mountains.'

MAE, 'Do you think maybe WE should also go and hide ourselves away?'

JAMES, 'Naaaahhhh! It'll be fine.']

And then in verse sixteen we hear the elites hoping Jesus won’t find them.

34 [JOHN, ‘And said to the mountains and rocks, Fall on us, and hide us from the face of him that sitteth on the throne, and from the wrath of the Lamb.’]

[JUDE, 'I noticed among the hiding places of these elite men, no one mentioned Epstein Island.']

No. John of Patmos was protecting Trump even back then.

35 [LILTRUMP, 'It's not my fault. I didn't know there would be consequences!']

Last verse.

36 [JOHN  'For the great day of his wrath is come; and who shall be able to stand?']

[JUDE, 'Lexi WHO will be able to stand against the wrath of the Lamb?']

Our patrons!

[DEMON, ‘Go to patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.’]

Save your eternal soul. Be on the right side when Jesus comes back. And get bonus content!

[JUDE, ‘Who will be on the wrong side when this alleged Christ comes back?’]

Well just a very quick skim through the text will tell you straight away, the kings of the earth, and the great men, and the rich men, and the chief captains, and the mighty men, and every bondman, and every free man.

[JUDE, 'You mean exactly the people sycophantic, fascistic, brown nosing Christians worship the hardest.']

Yes! And that’s why Satan is my Superhero