Why the War on Christmas Won’t Die

Every December, a loud minority swear they’re being hunted by carollers, coffee cups, and secular toddlers armed with “Happy Holidays.” So is the War on Christmas real, or just a profitable bit of political theatre? We drag the opportunistic pundits, the purity-culture merchants, and the mall Santas who think they’re frontline soldiers—because this “war” has everything except reality.

We’re taking a skeptical look at:

• The Meltdown: How “Happy Holidays” became a slur.
• The Merch: Purity-culture Christmas capitalism and the grifters cashing in.
• The Reality: Inconvenient historical facts about the holiday’s actual origins.

Includes original comedy sketches, irreverent history, and our trademark blasphemous chaos!

If you like your holidays with skepticism, satire, and a little unholy cheer, you’re in the right cult. Join the SIMSH Congregation:
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• Summon us directly via email if you feel spiritually compelled

Or just scream into the void on our behalf. It all helps.

Transcript

In this episode we report once again from the frontlines in the...

REPLAY WoC 54 [ANNOUNCER, ‘War on Christmas!’]

[JUDE, ‘Didn’t we find in last year’s war on Christmas episode…’]

[ERIC, ‘Gratuitous back catalogue plug.’]

[JUDE, ‘It’s not just fake, anti-semetic and driven by fascists. But also very silly?’] 

Oh no. The war on Christmas is VERY serious. I’ll let Henry Rollins explain.

01 [CHANTERS, ‘All hail Henry.’]

In 2011 Rollins wrote a column in LA Weekly titled,

02 [ROLLINS, ‘The War on Christmas Starts With Me.’]

The opening line of which you will find on every quote site in the world,

03 [ROLLINS, ‘I am a veteran of the War on Christmas. I am just emerging from a battlefield strewn with dead trees and torn shreds of brightly colored wrapping paper.’]

[JUDE, ‘Sounds like he might have some PTSD.’]

04 [SOLDIER, ‘Come in baby in a manger, this is the three wise men. Repeat, come in baby in a manger. Caroller down! Caroller down! We're taking heavy Christmas cracker fire! Request Santa's sleigh at LZ Charlie. Sitrep, outflanked by Elf on a Shelf. Eggnog everywhere. Repeat, Eggnog everywhere!’]

While we’re on the subject of those quote websites, this quote is credited to Tucker Carlson, on all of them.

05 [TUCKER, ‘The war on Christmas. This is the most ridiculous right wing talking point I have ever lived through.‘]

[JUDE, ‘Which would be a ridiculous thing for a Christofacsist to say? The war on Christmas is like Shark Week to Fox News!’]

[DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Not a real news company.’]

Yes and as recently as December 2021 when Carlson still had a job, he went on a rant after an unhoused individual set fire to the Christmas tree outside the manhatten studios of Fox News,

[DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Not a real news company.’]

Tucker hysterically squealed, 

06 [TUCKER, ‘Torching Christmas trees is an attack on Christianity.’]

That’s right, holy jihad against Christian America was launched by one lone hopelessly poverty stricken 49 year old man.

07 [TANAHANA, ‘I am the antichrist!’

(BEAT)

TANAHANA, ‘Can you spare any loose change? I just need $2.57 to get to a doctor's appointment.]

So anyway, Tucker Carlson never said,

REPLAY: 05 [TUCKER, ‘The war on Christmas. This is the most ridiculous right wing talking point I have ever lived through.‘]

It was actually political commentator and broadcaster Rachel Maddow who said,

08 [MADDOW, ‘The war on Christmas. This is the most ridiculous right wing talking point I have ever lived through.’]

Maddow WAS on Carlson’s NBC show in 2005 when she made that comment. 

[SATAN, 'We all did things we regret in 2005. I jumped up and down on Oprah’s couch.’]

Maddow was on Carlson’s show to discuss a segment about,

09 [TUCKER, ‘yet another story of political correctness run completely amuck this Christmas season.  A Wisconsin school district not allowing Christmas carols to be sung.’]

[JUDE, ‘So Tucker Carlson is all in on the...’]

REPLAY WoC 54 [ANNOUNCER, ‘War on Christmas!’]

10 [TUCKER, ‘I wear a bow-tie so no one thinks I'm a Nazi. And because my mummy dressed me until I was 30.’]

In 2011 former US House Speaker Newt Gingrich suggested that the Christmas cards sent out by the White House were paid for by the President’s political party because...

11 [GINGRICH, ‘No federal official at any level is currently allowed to say ‘Merry Christmas.’]

[JUDE, ‘I feel like that’s a lie.’]

Of course. But it plays well with his base. 

12 [GINGRICH, 'I don't like it. But we have to bend the truth just a little bit. Our dire situation requires we put our moral integrity aside while there is a foreign born Muslim man in the Oval Office. Normally I would say the truth is the most important thing. But right now, our president is black!']

It is true the Democratic Party and Republican Party do indeed take on the responsibility for Christmas Card deliveries from the President. But this is out of an abundance of caution rather than any atheist dystopian nightmare. 

13 [PA, ‘Welcome to the United States of Atheism. Please remember to put your watch forward a thousand years and be prepared to live forever. All children please report to the Endocrine Extraction Center.’]

The POTUS is in a potentially sticky situation when it comes to Christmas cards. Something like a Christmas Card could be challenged on the separation of church and state grounds. But more likely, it could be seen as the state playing favourites. Giving undue privilege and encourage the perception of corruption. 

14 [THOMAS, ‘I’m Clarence Thomas and I endorse this opinion.’]

In 2012 long time and much valued contributor to this podcast, Pat Robertson extolled the virtues of Christmas and then claimed,

15 [ROBERTSON, ‘Atheists don't like our happiness, they don't want you to be happy, they want you to be miserable. They're miserable so they want you to be miserable, so they want to steal your holiday away from you.’]

[JUDE, ‘How did he figure out our game?’]

16 [THIEF, ‘Woo hoo! I got Christmas! You'll never catch me now pigs!’

SFX SIREN

ROBBER, ‘Oh no! The Easter Bunny is on our tail!’]

In 2013, after making up a story about the Obama government banning Christmas cards from Veteran’s Affairs hospitals and misrepresenting the actual policy, alleged journalist Todd Starnes tweeted,

17 [STARNES, ‘Our forefathers took up arms over tyranny like this.’]

[JUDE, ‘Did they though?’]

18 [STARNES, ‘No taxation without Yuletide celebration! Throw all the tinsel in the harbour! This is a fucking revolution!’]

Well let’s see. In 2003 Starnes was fired from Baptist Press for,

19 [BP, ‘factual, contextual errors and misrepresentations.’]

In 2019 Starnes was fired from Fox Radio for accusing Democrats of worshipping Moloch.

20 [MURDOCH, ‘I'm sorry Todd, I've got to let you go.’

STARNES, ‘Why? Some snowflakes got offended! We're a network of contrarian trolls. We're not offering factual information. We have argued and proven EXACTLY that in courts of law! We're entertaining through outrageous opinion from unstable bigots and indulging conspiratorial thought processes. If we had imagination and our audience had at least an average IQ, what we do here would be called satire. Who cares I said Democrats worship Moloch?’

MURDOCH, ‘Todd, WE worship Moloch.’]

In 2013 homophobic mega church pastor Robert Jeffress kept a straight face as he told sex pest Bill O’Reilly,

21 [JEFFRESS, ‘Anyone who would accuse you or Fox News for waging a phony war on Christmas is either extremely naïve or intentionally deceptive.’]

[JUDE, ‘Are they though?’]

22 [JEFFRESS, ‘Did you see what I did there Bill? I accused THEM of being the deceptive ones. Let's see them find a way out of this mind snare I’ve created. Checkmate atheists!’]

When asked who was waging this phony, I mean real war, the insanely sane and not a liar at all Jeffress answered,

23 [JEFFRESS, ‘I believe that it is the kingdom of darkness of Satan.’]

[SATAN, ‘I might have let it slip in the ear of Bobby Jeffress one night. What can I say, I’m a sucker for pillow talk.’]

In 2017 Jeffress sponsored a Celebrate Freedom event at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC for a group of frothing at the mouths evangelicals. Headline act President Donald Trump told this group of weirdos, 

24 [TRUMP, ‘Benjamin Franklin reminded his colleagues at the Constitutional Convention to begin by bowing their heads in prayer. I remind you that we’re going to start saying ‘Merry Christmas’ again.’

MAGAT, ‘Make Christmas merry again! McMa! McMa! McMa!’]

Today’s Christian Nationalists/Tomorrow’s Domestic Terrorist Threats like to use this fact about Franklin as proof America’s founding fathers were devout Christians creating an explicitly Christian nation. 

25 [FRANKLIN, 'The best way to trick the devil my dear Jefferson, when creating an explicitly Christian nation is to do the complete opposite of that.'

JEFFERSON, 'I’m sorry Franklin, I don’t understand why doing the complete opposite of creating an explicitly Christian nation is the best way of creating a Christian nation?'

FRANKLIN, 'Who's the genius here? Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to fly a kite in a thunderstorm.']

It is true that Benji did suggest the Constitutional Convention of 1787 begin with a prayer and on more than one occasion. But what also needs to be acknowledged is that he was unequivocally told no by almost every other delegate. He noted this in his own handwriting,

26 [FRANLIN, The Convention except three or four Persons, thought Prayers unnecessary!’]

The founding fathers probably had no opinion about wishing each other Merry Christmas, but were very clear about prayers.

27 [JEFFERSON, ‘We're establishing a nation where our people are free to choose their own religion. Bringing prayer into government leads to choosing one denomination over another. This would imply the state favoured one sect above others. You've said this yourself Franklin.’

FRANKLIN, ‘Yeah but, don't you understand? I'm in a 4 dimensional game of chess with the devil?’

JEFFERSON, ‘Did lightning strike that kite of yours?’

FRANKLIN, ‘Yeah a little bit. I can taste colours now.’]

During the 2024 campaign Trump said of Kamala Harris,

28 [TRUMP, ‘she's a big fan of fighting no Merry Christmas. No, we're going to have Merry Christmas just like we got for everybody seven years ago, we brought it back, it was in deep trouble but we brought it back.’]

[JUDE, ‘Oh yeah! I remember Trump ‘s Christmas campaign ad. I think it went just like this. Don’t look it up! Just believe this one.’]

29 [TRUMP, ‘I'm totally Donald Trump and I endorse this totally legit political message that I really made.’

ANNOUNCER, ‘A vote for Donald Trump is a vote for Christmas. When Donald Trump becomes your president, he will personally hand deliver presents to every child in America on Christmas morning.’ 

MUM, ‘Holy shit there's a black man in the house!’

TRUMP, ‘No that's the soot. I came down the chimney!’ 

MUM, ‘I'm standing my ground! Stop resisting.’

TRUMP, ‘I’m not doing anything?’ 

SFX GUN SHOTS BODY THUMP]

In 2017 Director of the Center for Religious Liberty at renown hate group, the Family Research Council, Travis Weber wrote,

30 [WEBER, ‘We did not do enough RESEARCH before we hired Josh Dugger as a lobbyist.’]

Sorry. Wrong clip. Here's Weber's actual statement. 

31 [WEBER, ‘Dugger’s a fucking pedo…’]

Sorry, sorry. This time.

32 [WEBER, ‘The War on Christmas is real, and it is best understood as a war on OBJECTIVE TRUTH and the authority of God.’]

[JUDE, ‘I just reckon when something IS real, you find scant commentary mentioning its realness.’]

33 [HALLEY, ‘Here comes Isaac. Don't mention his gravity theory. If he gets started on things going up having to come down, he won't stop.’

DITTON, ‘No, this time I've got him.’

NEWTON, ‘Hello my fine colleagues.’ 

DITTON, ‘Hey Newton, clouds. They don't come down.’

NEWTON, ‘Well, yes they do. In the form of rain.’

DITTON, ‘God damn it Newton!’]

[JUDE, ‘And also just going back to Weber’s quote and the sly injection of the phrase…’]

REPLAY: 32 [WEBER, ‘...OBJECTIVE TRUTH…’]

[JUDE, ‘I’ll ask Teeteaz for a description of ‘objective truth’.]

[TTS, ‘Objective truth refers to a reality or fact that exists independently of individual beliefs, opinions, or perceptions. In other words, it is true regardless of whether anyone believes in it or not.’]

[JUDE, ‘We all know what you genius level Christians are trying to do when you drop ‘objective truth’ in a sentence. But lying to yourselves, that you’re getting away with this is...’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Not quite the flex you think it is.’]

[JUDE, ‘It’s embarrassing, for you. You should be embarrassed.’]

[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Hashtag embarrassing. Ugh, embarrassing.’]

[JUDE, ‘One of my earliest memories is wetting my bed, blaming it on my teddy bear AND getting away with it! It was an embarrassing number of years later when it finally occurred to me that my parents had just smiled and nodded at that story. Travis Weber, we can all smell your piss stained sheets.’]

[SATAN, ‘Oh I remember the teddy bear story! Wait! Are you saying your earliest memory is from when you were 23?’]

In 2018 White House Aide, Stephanie Winston Wolkoff, secretly recorded conversations she had with First lady Melania Trump. 

REPLAY: EDIT FROM Angela Merkel and the Throne of Satan [KLAUS, ‘Ooh so naughty!’]

I don’t care what you think of Melania. Secretly recording anyone the wife of the President, even Trump, is a shitty thing to do.

34 [WOLKOFF, ‘I'm sorry Madam First Lady. Can you say that again, but louder and into my breast pocket?’]

In one of these recordings the First Lady can be heard saying,

35 [MELANIA, ‘Who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff and decorations?’]

[JUDE, ‘So the war on Christmas was coming from inside the house!’]

36 [CREEPY, ‘Have you checked the presents?’]

It turns out the First Lady made those comments in relation to being at her wits end. She claims she wanted to spend more time helping separated families at the border. Not putting up decorations. The whole recording does back up that version of events.

37 [MELANIA, ‘I just care too much!’

(BEAT)

MELANIA, ‘Oooh! Is that Gucci?’]

I'm willing to give Melania a free pass on this one. We don't need to heap more crap at her feet. Let's be honest. History is not going to be kind to her.

38 [BRAUN, ‘I’m Eva Braun and I endorse this comment.’] 

A 2020 Yougov poll found 72% of Republican voters believe the,

REPLAY WoC 54 [ANNOUNCER, ‘War on Christmas!’]

Is real.

[SATAN, ‘And the earth is flat.’]

The same poll found 69% of Democrat voters think all these polls prove is Republican voters have become fucking morons.

[SATAN, ‘That was the whole point of the Southern Strategy. Whoops! I've said too much. This is what happens when I'm in bed with Bobby!’]

39 [NIXON, ‘We need to appeal to an electorate so stupid, we can convince them to vote against their own best interests.’]

In October 2021 Dr. Anthony Fauci suggested people modify their plans for Christmas while many Americans were still dying, unnecessarily unprotected from the disease du jour of that year.

40 [MAGAT, ‘You can't make me wear a mask or get a vaccine! Freedom!’

UNCONTROLLABLE COUGHING FIT WHILE MAGAT TRIES TO SAY

MAGAT, ‘Freedom!’

OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOLLOWED BY DEATH]

The National Republican Congressional Committee sent a fundraising text claiming,

41 [NRCC, ‘Alert: Fauci’s cancelling Christmas! We will lose the war on Christmas to the liberal snowflakes unless you sign our petition to Fire Fauci ASAP.’]

[JUDE, ‘Let me just translate that alert for you.’]

42 [NRCC, ‘Alert: A man with a foreign sounding name is trying to take our freedom!’

UNCONTROLLABLE COUGHING FIT WHILE NRCC TRIES TO SAY

NRCC, ‘Freedom!’

OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOLLOWED BY DEATH]

Pennsylvania Republican and coup atempter, Scott Perry said,

43 [PERRY, ‘Sorry, Fauci, absolutely no one is waiting on you ruling whether we can celebrate Christmas. It’s on, you’re off.’]

[JUDE, ‘I feel like the first draft of that statement originally ended with, 'You're fired '.’]

44 [TRUMP, ‘Sorry Scott, that's trademarked.’]

New York Republican and coup atempter, Elise Stefanik tweeted,

45 [STEFANIK, ‘How Joe Biden & the Democrats Stole Christmas. Fire Fauci. Fire Pelosi. Fire JOE BIDEN. Save Christmas. Save America.’]

[JUDE, ‘I think she would have really committed to the Dr Seuss thing if she actually cared.’]

46 [STEFANIK, ‘Every American Down in the REAL ‘Merica Liked Christmas a lot...
But Fauci,Who lived just north of the REAL ‘Merica, Did NOT!
Biden hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. Only Pelosi knows the reason.’]

In November 2023, much respected, admired and trusted journalist… hang on, sorry, that’s a typo. Fuckwit and all round arse clown Jesse Watters said,

47 [WATTERS, ‘it feels like the war on Christmas is coming earlier and earlier every year. Probably climate change.’]

[JUDE, ‘It feels like he’s being sarcastic about climate change.’]

I doubt, Jesse's Watters has the intellectual capacity for sarcasm. No, he’s noticed that is the tone smart people have always use when speaking to him, so he simply mimics it.

[JUDE, ‘Wow that must make life difficult.’]

What about anything you've ever seen of Jesse Watters indicated to you that his life wouldn't be anything other than an insufferable grind of confusion, humiliation and constant anxiety?

48 [SERVER, ‘Are you ready to order Mr Watters?’

WATTERS SARCASTIC, ‘Ooh I'm totally ready to order, sure! It’s not like I'm not busy with anything else at all right now.’

SERVER, ‘Oh, okay. I'll come back when you're ready.’

WATTERS SARCASTIC, ‘Where are you going? I REALLY want to order my meal right now. It’s soooo convenient for me right now.’

SERVER, ‘Um, I'm sorry, do you actually want to order now?’

WATTERS SARCASTIC, ‘Oh yes! I really, really do. It's sooooo important to me that I order my meal right now. I'm veeeeeery hungry. Gee I can't imagine aaaaaany other reason I might be here.’

SERVER, ‘Ummmmmm. I don’t know what to do?’

ILIWYPYFT INTRO/TRANSITION

LEXI SARCASTIC, ‘We would really looove you to sign up to the Patreon. It would mean sooo much to us. Coz we reeeaaallly need yoooour support.’

DEMON, ‘Go to patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.’

LEXI SARCASTIC, ‘And sign up today. There’s lots of bonus content over there you’ll reeeellly love.’

(BEAT)

LEXI NORMAL, ‘I don’t know why we don’t have more patrons?’]

[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from The Frontlines in the War on Christmas?’]

Just when everything is winding down for the holiday season. You think Christians must be finished telling lies and faking persecutions for the year. Boom! They kick it up into a whole new gear!

49 [GREETER, ‘Happy holidays!’

CHRISTIAN, ‘How dare you threaten my cognitive dissonance by reminding me, belief in my imaginary sky god is not universal despite my constant ridiculous, demonstrably false assertions of its omnipotence!’]

We started with one of our generation’s greatest philosophers, let’s end with him as well. I present, once again, Henry Rollins.

REPLAY: 01 [CHANTERS, ‘All hail Henry.’]

50 [ROLLINS, ‘Thankfully, Fox News hosts like Bill O'Reilly stand on the wall and make sure that Christians — this oppressed, under-funded and constantly maligned measly 78% slice of America — isn't getting put upon too injuriously by the other 22% who in reality, can't be bothered to do more on the 25th day of December than order pizza and play Call of Duty for twelve hours at a time.’]

Thankfully the devil’s rock n roll has delivered us the likes of Henry Rollins to shine a snide barbed incredulous light in the dark and that’s why Satan is my Superhero.

[SATAN, ‘Happy holidays!’]