Aleister Crowley

Aleister Crowley — occultist, poet, mountaineer, possible spy, lifelong drug addict, and self-declared Beast 666. Depending on who you ask, he was either a visionary spiritual thinker… or a deeply unserious man doing sex rituals in the desert and calling it enlightenment.
In this episode, we dive into Crowley’s own words — from The Book of the Law to Magick in Theory and Practice — and try to figure out what the hell he was actually on about (chemically and philosophically).
Along the way:

•  “Do what thou wilt” — self-actualisation or just terrible advice? 
•  Sex magick, demon summoning, and the world’s least convincing “guardian angel” 
•  The invention of Thelema (aka start your own religion, get laid) 
•  Crowley’s obsession with Satan, symbolism, and sounding profound 
•  The connection between occultism, ego, and modern New Age nonsense 
•  Why conservatives AND spiritual grifters both end up accidentally agreeing with him 
•  And how a heroin addiction + imagination = “spiritual revelations” 

We also look at how Crowley helped shape modern occult culture, conspiracy thinking, and the long tradition of people mistaking confidence for truth.
Because at the end of the day, Crowley didn’t discover hidden knowledge… He just said weird shit loudly enough that people wrote it down.

Support the show (and help us avoid founding our own religion):
👉 patreon.com/satanismysuperhero

Got a topic, theory, or unhinged idea we need to investigate?
Send it to satanismysuperhero@gmail.com - we love hearing from you.

Transcript

In this episode we step inside the strange and kinky mind of the Forrest Gump of power bottoms, Aleister Crowley.

01 [GUMP, ‘Life is like a bunch of orgies. You never know what you’re gonna get.’]

Aleister Crowley was born into a wealthy 19th century industrialist albeit Christian fundamentalist family in the West Midlands. He was an author, painter and performance artist. 

02 [CROWLEY, ‘Before that was even a thing!’]

He mountaineered some of the world’s most difficult and dangerous peaks. He was possibly a spy in the war. Although we CAN’T be sure, for which side? 

03 [CROWLEY, ‘Well the winning side of course!’]

He slept among the pyramids and claimed to have communed with the old gods. He described himself as ‘The Beast 666’. The press dubbed him ‘the wickedest man in the world’. He did all kinds of drugs and had sex with all kinds of people. This guy connects L. Ron Hubbard to the moon landing!

04 [ARMSTRONG, 'One small step for man. One giant leap for Xenu.']  

[JUDE, ‘His biography must be amazing!’]

It is. We won’t be doing it here. We’ve got twenty minutes to make fun of the kooky things he said. But I’ll drop in little bits of bio just for fun as we go. 

[JUDE, ‘I like fun.’]

For example, the very first person to identify Aleister Crowley had something sinister going on was his own mum. 

05 [MUM, 'Gross! What is it?'

DOCTOR, 'A baby!'

MUM, 'Get it out of me! Get it out of me!']

Due to young Crowley's inability to cognitive dissonance his way through bible readings, his mum started calling him ‘The Beast’ when he was just a child. 

[JUDE, 'How do we know that’s not just a cute little term of endearment? My mum had lots of nicknames for me. Shit for brains was one. Hopeless loser was another one she used a lot.'] 

This right here, explains SO much. 

06 [REPORTER, 'Excuse Mrs Crowley, why do you call your child, The Beast?'

MUM, 'I just don't like him.'

REPORTER, 'Cool, cool, cool. I'm sure he'll turn out just fine.'

MUM, 'Unlikely.'] 

Before we get into the weeds, there is one quote of Crowley’s we’ve all heard.

07 [CROWLEY, ‘Do what thou wilt.’]

[JUDE, ‘There are some people out there who should NOT be given that advice.’]

And there in lies the rub. It does sound like Crowley is giving you permission to get up to all sorts of hijinks. But sadly and boringly he is actually talking about self actualisation. Finding one’s true purpose in life through meditation and spiritual ritual. 

[JUDE, 'It's still terrible advice. You should take that existential dread, nagging self doubt and constant anxiety and push down hard with drugs and alcohol. Like a normal person!'] 

Yes well it is this boring version of the 'Do what thou wilt' philosophy that is at least partly responsible for the flower power movement of the 60s and 70s and the new age bullshit of the 90s. 

[JUDE, 'Fuck this guy! I really thought I was going to like him based on the people who hate him. But we're not off to a great start.'] 

While we're on the subject of a poor start. Crowley contracted syphilis when he was a student at Trinity College Cambridge. 

08 [CROWLEY, 'I swear I caught it from a public toilet seat.’

(BEAT)

CROWLEY, ‘I had sex with it!'] 

In 1898, 21 year old Crowley published Aceldama : A Place To Bury Strangers In: A Philosophical Poem. Right off the bat Aceldama is Aramaic for 'Field of Blood'. In the Book of Acts this name is given to the land outside of Jerusalem where Judas Iscariot was buried. 

09 [DIGGER, 'What shall we do with the body of the dude who betrayed the omnipotent creator god of the entire universe?'

MORTICIAN, 'Well that depends. Did he die normally or did his body explode as if he were the bad guy in a story made up by children?'] 

That's right! There are two contradictory stories in the inerrant and definitely authored by a magical all knowing super intelligence bible about this land. 

[JUDE, 'Contradictions in the Bible? You're making that up?'] 

No THEY made it up. Hence the contradictions. 

[BOOM TISH] 

Either Iscariot used his newly acquired 30 pieces of silver to buy the plot and then while inspecting his purchase he tripped over and exploded. 

10 [BREDIN, 'And as you can see Mr Iscariot, the property comes with its own hanging tree. Just in case the guilt of creating a 4 day weekend gets too much.'

SFX EXPLOSION 

BREDIN, 'Was it something I said?'] 

The other biblical claim is that after Judas Iscariot threw the 30 pieces of silver back in the faces of the priests, they used the blood money to buy this land and turned it into a cemetery for foreigners and Christ betrayers. 

11 [NIECE, 'Hi I'd like to bury my uncle in your foreigners graveyard?'

MORTICIAN, 'Your uncle was a local! Take him to the town cemetery and pay for a plot just like everyone else.'

NIECE, 'But you buried that Judas bloke here!'

MORTICIAN, 'Yeah but you know what he did right?'

NIECE, 'Yeah he got paid 30 pieces of silver to kiss a dude. My uncle did way more than just kiss dudes and for way less money!'] 

This land is apparently rich with good clay for ceramics and was also known as "Potter's Field'. To this day, cemeteries for unclaimed people are called 'Potter's Fields'. 

12 [HORRIFIED, 'Holy shit! There's a human finger in my teacup!'

LOGIC, 'Tip it out!'

HORRIFIED  'No, I mean it's in the ACTUAL teacup!'] 

Anyway, in the preface to Aceldama: A Place To Bury Strangers In, Crowley wrote. 

13 [CROWLEY, ‘I was in the death struggle with self: God and Satan fought for my soul those three long hours. God conquered — now I have only one doubt left — which of the twain was God?’]

[SATAN, 'It's true. YHWH and I battled for 3 hours and I did indeed end up with Crowley's soul.'

(BEAT)

SATAN, 'Because I lost.'] 

In 1911 Crowley published The Vision and the Voice: With Commentary and Other Papers. This book chronicles Crowley's journey into his own imagination while he had been reading the Quran in Algeria, performing sex magick rituals to call forth demons with poet Victor Neuburg and sacrificing animals.

14 [SHEEP, 'Baaa.'

CROWLEY, 'No Victor! The animals are for sacrificing. You and me do the sex magick ritual.']

Here’s a sample of the kind of revelations Crowley received while sexing with Neuberg in Algeria.

15 [CROWLEY, ‘I cling unto the burning Æthyr like Lucifer that fell through the Abyss, and by the fury of his flight kindled the air. And I am Belial, for having seen the Rose upon thy breast, I have denied God. And I am Satan! I am Satan! I am cast out upon a burning crag! And the sea boils about the desolation thereof. And already the vultures gather, and feast upon my flesh.’] 

[JUDE, 'My advice to those vultures, DO NOT eat that flesh. It can't possibly be safe for consumption.'] 

16 [SFX VULTURE DYING] 

This might be a good time to mention Crowley was a lifelong heroin addict. How did he get addicted to heroin I hear you about to ask.

[JUDE, ‘No, I wasn’t. I reckon probably the same for everyone.’]

His doctor prescribed it for his asthma!

[JUDE, ‘I stand corrected. I should’ve asked.’]

In 1922 Crowley published the 'fictional' novel 'The Diary of a Drug Fiend'. It's about a heroin addicted English aristocrat who travels the world overcoming his addiction with ceremonial magick and realising his 'True Will'. 

17 [PUBLISHER, 'Hi Aleister, it's your publisher here.'

CROWLEY, 'But I'm my publisher?'

PUBLISHER, 'Just go with it for the skit.'

CROWLEY, 'Very well. Do what thou wilt.'

PUBLISHER, 'Aleister stop trying to make Do what thou wilt happen! It's not going to happen

(BEAT)

PUBLISHER, 'I'm calling because I'm worried your novel is little TOO obviously autobiographical.'

CROWLEY, 'I don't think anyone will see through my brilliant dissimulations!'

PUBLISHER, 'Your protagonist is called Smellister Smowley!'] 

In The Diary of a Drug Fiend, Crowley wrote. 

18 [CROWLEY, ‘We must conquer life by living it to the full, and then we can go to meet death with a certain prestige.’]

[JUDE, 'Can I suggest, rather than meeting death with prestige, we insignificantly run away from it'] 

In 1929 Crowley published ‘The Spirit of Solitude’ Basically a memoir laced with the usual amount of Aleister Crowley bullshit. In 1969 this book would be re printed with new additional material under the title, 'The Confessions of Aleister Crowley'. Crowley described this book as his 'Autohagiography'.

[JUDE, 'What’s an Autohagiography? Is what the script says my next line is.'] 

I'm glad you asked unprompted like that. An Autohagiography is not a real thing. Like Crowley's alleged beliefs, it's a thing he made up. A 'hagiography' is a thing. Teateaz please. 

[TTS, 'Certainly Lexi. From Dictionary dot com. Hagiography; the writing of the lives of saints. A biography that treats its subject with undue reverence.']

Are you trying a new voice?

[TTS, ‘It’s a whole thing. I’d rather not get into it right now.’]

Fair.

(BEAT)

The whole story of a saint and the 'undue reverence' part means you can't write your own one. But Crowley did. 

[JUDE, 'It's the kind of thing Trump would do.']

Exactly. 

19 [TRUMP, 'If no one nominates me for a Nobel Peace Prize, I'll just have to nominate myself.'] 

Alright, let's hear a quote from this alleged Autohagiography. 

20 [CROWLEY, ‘I was not content to believe in a personal devil and serve him, in the ordinary sense of the word. I wanted to get hold of him personally and become his chief of staff.’]

[JUDE, 'Can you imagine employing Aleister Crowley?']

21 [BOSS, 'Crowley where are those reports I asked for half an hour ago?'

CROWLEY, 'I've been attempting to conjur them with my mind!'] 

Crowley also said this of his personal journey to the light bringer. 

22 [CROWLEY, ‘The apparent discrepancy in the Gospel narrative aroused no doubt in my mind as to the literal truth of either of the texts. Indeed, my falling away from grace was not occasioned by any intellectual qualms; I accepted the theology of the Plymouth Brethren. In fact, I could hardly conceive of the existence of people who might doubt it. I simply went over to Satan's side; and to this hour I cannot tell why.’]

[JUDE, 'Imagine how Crowley's brethren elder's next performance review went.'] 

23 [BISHOP, 'Thanks for coming in Brother Martin. I'll get straight to the point. Aleister Crowley's theological guidance?'

MARTIN, 'Ah, yes, now I can explain.'

BISHOP, 'No need. You're fired.'] 

Crowley gave us this piece advice for whenever we find ourselves locked in an eternal death struggle with evil. 

24 [CROWLEY, ‘The pious pretence that evil does not exist only makes it vague, enormous and menacing. Its overshadowing formlessness obsesses the mind. The way to beat an enemy is to define him clearly, to analyse and measure him. Once an idea is intelligently grasped, it ceases to threaten the mind with the terrors of the unknown.’]

[JUDE, 'Far be it from me to disagree with The Beast 666 on the subject of evil. But I feel I did intelligently grasp the idea of mum's jug cord. But it made it no less terrifying.'] 

25 [MUM, 'I used to hit my very young and small children with my bare hands like some kind of wild animal! Thanks electric jug cord!'] 

Also in 1929 Crowley was kicked out of France and published another two books. Magick: In Theory and Practice. AND a novel called 'Moonchild' about a magician trying to create the antichrist. He also married his second wife, Maria Ferrari de Miramar a Nicaraguan alcoholic whom he hoped to impregnate with the antichrist. 

26 [REPORTER, 'Excuse Mr Crowley, why do you call your child, The Beast?'

CROWLEY, 'I just love him so much!'] 

Within a year of the wedding, the marriage was over and Maria had been admitted to the exact same insane asylum Crowley's FIRST wife had been incarcerated in. 

27 [DOCTOR, 'Who was that?'

NURSE, 'Oh that was Aleister Crowley dropping off another one of his wives.'

DOCTOR, ‘God damn! That guy’s good for business.’] 

So anyway, in Magick: In Theory and Practice, Crowley had this to say. 

28 [CROWLEY, ‘The Devil' is, historically, the God of any people that one personally dislikes... This serpent, SATAN, is not the enemy of Man, but He who made Gods of our race, knowing Good and Evil; He bade 'Know Thyself!' and taught Initiation. He is 'The Devil' of the Book of Thoth, and His emblem is BAPHOMET, the Androgyne who is the hieroglyph of arcane perfection... He is therefore Life, and Love.’]

[JUDE, 'Oh Satan is life and love! How nice.']

[SATAN, 'I just threw up in my mouth.'] 

If you purchase Magick: In Theory and Practice in the hope of learning some Satanic prayers, we can save you some money right here and now. This is from a chapter called 'Of Pacts with the Devil'. 

29 [CROWLEY, ‘Thou spiritual Sun! Satan, Thou Eye, Thou Lust! Cry aloud! Cry aloud! Whirl the Wheel, O my Father, O Satan, O Sun! Thou, the Saviour! Silence! Give me Thy Secret! Give me suck, Thou Phallus, Thou Sun! Satan, thou Eye, thou Lust! Satan, thou Eye, thou Lust! Satan, thou Eye, thou Lust! Thou self-caused, self-determined, exalted, Most High!’]

[JUDE, 'And to the listeners who like me thought, 'a Crowley penned prayer to Satan' this is going to rock! We're sorry. It turns out writing devotional invocations is actually just as hard as the Christians make it look.']

If eating the beating heart of your enemy doesn’t feel metal enough for you, Magick: In Theory and Practice has you covered with helpful tips like this.

31 [CROWLEY, ‘It would be unwise to condemn as irrational the practice of devouring the heart and liver of an adversary while yet warm. For the highest spiritual working one must choose that victim which contains the greatest and purest force; a male child of perfect innocence and high intelligence is the most satisfactory.’]

[JUDE, 'A male child of perfect innocence and high intelligence contains the greatest and purest force? Ooooookaaaaay.']

[HOOTS, ‘Now show me on the dolly where the bad man touched you.’]

Crowley also had this terrible advice to offer. 

33 [CROWLEY, ‘A man who is doing his True Will has the inertia of the Universe to assist him.’

TRUMP, 'I'm Donald Trump and I endorse this message.'] 

And our final quote from Magick: In Theory and Practice regards a word with much magic and power. 

34 [CROWLEY, ‘Now this word SABAF, being by number Three score and Ten, is a name of Ayin, the Eye, and the Devil our Lord, and the Goat of Mendes. He is the Lord of the Sabbath of the Adepts, and is Satan, therefore also the Sun, whose number of Magick is 666, the seal of His servant the BEAST.’]

[JUDE, 'Lexi, what just happened?']

Let me explain. This word SABAF adds up to 70 in Gematria, the Jewish/Qabalistic system of numerology. And Ayin is the Hebrew word for the number 16 and represents the eye. In tarot the eye is associated with the Devil. Are you following? 

[JUDE, 'No.'] 

Well it's not going to get any clearer. The Goat of Mendes is essentially Baphomet. A winged, human-goat figure with breasts, a torch, and pentagram created by French ceremonial magician Éliphas Lévi in 1856. 

35 [REPORTER, 'Excuse me Mr Lévi, why does your winged goat man have lady breasts?'

LEVI, 'Have you ever seen a winged goat man WITHOUT lady breasts?'

REPORTER, ‘Umm…’

LEVI, ‘Exactly!’] 

In Moonchild Crowley wrote. 

36 [CROWLEY, ‘The suppression of the normal sex instinct, for example, is responsible for a thousand ills. In Puritan countries one inevitably finds a morbid preoccupation with sex coupled with every form of perversion and degeneracy.’] 

[JUDE, 'Conservatives, Aleister Crowley sees you.'] 

If you liked that one, you'll love this. 

37 [CROWLEY, ‘In these days, when devils enter into swine, they do not rush violently down a steep place. They call themselves moral reformers, and vote the Prohibition ticket.’]

[JUDE, 'Conservatives, Aleister Crowley sees you.'] 

You said that already.

[JUDE, ‘Doesn’t make it any less true.’]

Crowley was once involved in ‘Spiritual Warfare’ with Irish poet William Butler Yeats. They both spent a summer or two casting magical curses at each other and I guess just hoping the other would die.

38 [CROWLEY, 'I've suddenly got a splitting headache. You don't think it's a sneak attack by that blighter Yeats do you?'] 

[JUDE, ‘I wonder who won?’]

Well Crowley out lived Yeats so I guess Crowley!

39 [CROWLEY, ‘In your pompous bespectacled fucking face Yeats!’]

But Yeats was a year older when he died so…

40 [YEATS, ‘Suck it you privileged fat bottomed turd!’

(BEAT)

YEATS, ‘Really? ‘Privileged fat bottomed turd’? That’s what you came up for me in a dis battle? ‘Privileged fat bottomed turd’!? I’m fucking YEATS!’]

And speaking of Crowley’s death, he went out of this world drug addled and bankrupt.

[JUDE, 'Like a champion.'] 

41 [LEXI, 'Before we can die bankrupt drug addicts we first need the money to lose. If you'd like to support our True Will…

DEMON, 'Go to www.patreon.com/satanismysuperhero.'

LEXI, 'Ask yourself, what would Aleister Crowley do? And then DON'T do THAT!'] 

[JUDE, ‘What can we take away from this peek into madness?’]

In 1904 in Cairo, Crowley claimed he had been approached by his own personal guardian angel called Aiwass. Over the course of three sessions Aiwass dictated  the foundational text for the Crowley invented religion Thelema. 

42 [AIWASS  'Hi Aleister, it's your guardian angel Aiwass here.'

CROWLEY, 'Really? Because you sound EXACTLY like me!'

AIWASS, 'Yeah don't worry about that. I'm here to instruct you in founding your own religion so you can get laid. I mean so you can complete your spiritual ascension.'

CROWLEY, 'Do I really need your instruction?'

AIWASS, 'Have you looked in a mirror lately?'

CROWLEY, 'What’s that got to do with spiritual ascension?'

AIWASS, 'What? Oh, the spiritual thing um…'

CROWLEY, 'You're not just my subconscious telling me what I want to hear are you? You really are an external supernatural force? '

AIWASS, 'Ah huh.'] 

Crowley would publish content of these three spiritual sessions in 1909 under the title  'The Book of the Law'.

43 [CROWLEY, 'Law Number One: Be a soft skinned fat faced sloppy butt fancy boy who fuuuucks!'] 

In The Book of the Law, Crowley told us. 

44 [CROWLEY, ‘I am the blue-lidded daughter of Sunset; I am the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night-sky.’]

And that's why Satan is my Superhero.