Book of Revelation Chapter 8 | God Gets High, Chernobyl Happens

God rips a cone, an angel weaponises a bong, and somehow this ends with a conspiracy theory about Chernobyl. The Book of Revelation chapter 8 kicks off with thirty minutes of ominous silence in heaven, which is unusual because heaven normally sounds like a sensory nightmare designed by a committee of screaming worship addicts. Then someone hands YHWH a giant "incense burner", seven angels break out the trumpets, and the apocalypse starts deleting the planet one-third at a time. 
But then Revelations drops its weirdest twist yet: a poisoned star called Wormwood crashes into Earth's water supply.  Which becomes considerably weirder when conspiracy theorists notice that Chernobyl is linked to the very same plant and immediately start pointing at Revelation like Charlie from It's Always Sunny with a corkboard. 

Coincidence?
Prophecy?
Ancient apocalypse fan fiction accidentally scoring a lucky hit?

Join Judas, Lexi, Satan, John of Patmos and a deeply disappointed saxophone angel as our verse-by-verse comedy autopsy of Revelation continues. Expect sketch comedy, original music, religious satire, skepticism, apocalypse nonsense, and yet another chapter proving that the final book of the Bible reads less like divine prophecy and more like a fever dream written after a very aggressive edible.

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What Now?
Missed how we got to the seventh seal? Go back and hear how the chaos started with the four horsemen and the rapture in Episode 124.
👉 Listen to Book of Revelation (Part 7) | The Rapture Here

SAUCES
Primary sources, texts, and figures referenced in this episode:

• The Book of Revelation — specifically Chapter 8, KJV (King James Version), attributed to John of Patmos, written approx. 95 CE on the island of Patmos
• John of Patmos — often confused with John the Apostle
• Absinthos / Wormwood (Artemisia absinthium) — the bitter herb named in Revelation 8:11; also the base ingredient of absinthe, making this biblically the most metal drink at any bar
• Chernobyl etymology — the city of Chernobyl (Chornobyl in Ukrainian) takes its name from the Slavic word for Artemisia vulgaris, a local species of wormwood; the nuclear power plant disaster of April 26, 1986 contaminated groundwater across Ukraine and Belarus

This list represents a fraction of the research conducted for this episode. A complete bibliography exists and is enormous, chaotic, and annotated in three different handwriting styles, one of which may be a ghost. We know where it is. We're just not telling you.

Transcript

0:00

Who wrote the Book of Revelation? What is the main message of the Book of Revelation? When was the Book of Revelation written? I think I know a way to find out the answers to all these questions and more. You do? I think I do. Welcome to Satan is my superhero. In this episode, we bear witness to Yahweh's opening salvo in the Purge-style Genocide 2.0. In previous chapters, our intrepid hero John of Patmos has been teleported to heaven. There he has observed the opening of six seals, the positioning of terrifying angels at each corner of the earth, and the unleashing of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. I've had a very big day. Things are not looking good for humanity right now. Let's see how much worse they can get. Chapter 8, verse 1. And when he had opened the seventh seal, there was silence in heaven about the space of half an hour. This silence for half an hour is very symbolic of the gravity of the situation. It was made crystal clear to us in previous chapters, heaven is not some serene bliss of tranquility. No. Yahweh prefers to be surrounded constantly by adoring, worshipping eyes in a cacophony of beasts, angels, old men, and persecuted saints screaming, and I mean literally screaming, his praise. For anyone on the spectrum, it's ironically a living hell. Heaven is fucking awful. So half an hour of silence in that place, shit's about to get real. It's quiet. Too quiet. Sorry. Sorry. I mean, um, who did that? Let's see if we can find out what's going to break this ominous silence in verse 2. And I saw the seven angels which stood before God, and to them were given seven trumpets. Sorry, sorry. Don't mean to be a pain, but do you have anything other than trumpets? I'm more of a saxophone kind of angel myself, so... So trumpets are breaking the ominous silence. That's just great. Trumpets. Why did it have to be trumpets? Don't worry. John of Patmos has more than just trumpets for us. This guy has given us a dude with flaming eyes and bronze feet, wearing a golden corset. He's given us an army of locusts and a dead lamb with seven eyes and seven horns. Around the arsehole. Yes, around the arsehole, if you must. Have some faith, Judas. Verse 3. And another angel came and stood at the altar, having a golden censer. And there was given unto him much incense, that he should offer it with the prayers of all saints upon the golden altar, which was before the throne. Okay, what's a golden censer? It's just a thing you burn incense in. You can buy them at Cayman. The ones we use in hell come from Target. Just saying. So we've got Yahweh impressing John of Patmos with trumpets and a hippie's ashtray. Cool story, bro. You were going to be eating those words. Just you wait and see. Verse 4. And the smoke of the incense which came with the prayers of the saints ascended up before God, out of the angel's hand. Did that angel just pass Yahweh a bong? I told you it was going to get good. Tell McDonald's it's time to get the McRib back on the menu. The boss just ripped a cone. Now I don't know about the other incense burners from Kmart, but mine certainly doesn't have this feature. Verse 5. Did they just... Did they just... Yes. Armageddon, which began with the unleashing of the four horsemen, has just kicked it up a gear. It's just some spilled incense. It's not the end of the world. That was Yahweh's bong. Maybe it won't be too bad. The McRib's back on the menu. You may have noticed that Golden Censor was carrying the prayers of persecuted saints before being filled with fire and thrown at the human race. That is exactly what those Christian saints were praying for. Dear Jesus, now that I'm in heaven, can you please destroy the earth and keep all those other fuckers out of here? Amen. Prepare yourself for trumpets. Verse 6. And the seven angels which had the seven trumpets prepared themselves to sound. Alright, pucker up boys. I hope you're ready. I can't wait. Here they come. Verse 7. The first angels sounded. And there followed hail and fire mingled with blood. And they were cast upon the earth. And the third part of trees was burnt up. And all green grass was burnt up. Not what you were expecting from a lame old trumpet, hey? Okay, the trumpet is cool, but hail and fire at the same time consuming a third of all the trees and the grass. Is Revelation just describing a typical Australian summer? Struth. Me budgie smugglers are on fire. Must be all the friction. From me wanking. What did you grow up to be, Lexi? Oh, I work on an investigative show where we thoughtfully critique the intersection between theology and culture with wank jokes. Verse 8. And the second angel sounded. And as it were, a great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea. And the third part of the sea became blood. That sounds like algal bloom. This book is totally describing Australia. Maybe. But what about the great mountain burning with fire was cast into the sea? Doesn't that sound more like an asteroid? Australia could get hit by an asteroid. Struth, Ruth. Come have a butcher's at this. There's a giant fucking rock falling out of the sky. I've got to say it, Jesus. That's a pretty cunty way to treat your mates. And you thought the trumpets would suck. We've only had two and the planet is fucked. And we haven't even heard all of the destruction wrought by the second horn yet. Verse 9. And the third part of the creatures which were in the sea and had life died. And the third part of the ships were destroyed. When John says a third part of the ships were destroyed, do you think he means a third of all ships or a third of each ship was destroyed? Um, probably one third of all ships, as the text plainly says. One third of each ship being destroyed would be more fun. Oh no, not the poop deck. We've only had two of seven trumpets and we've already seen storms, earthquakes, hail and fire mingled with blood, filling the ocean and an asteroid. I feel like a nap. Verse 10. And the third angel sounded and there fell a great star from heaven burning as if it were a lamp. And it fell upon the third part of the rivers. And upon the fountains of waters. Is that another asteroid? It's a bit samey samey. And just expect more from Yahweh. Well, this is described as a great star from heaven, implying this was a star that had been observed in the sky before crashing down, which sounds more like a comet to me. And I'm sure being wiped out by a comet is completely different to an asteroid. Struth, Ruth. Come and have a butcher's at this. There's a giant dirty fucking snowball falling out of the sky. I've got to say it, Jesus. That's a pretty cunty way to treat your mates. You'll be pleased to learn that this comet is about to get very interesting. Yuck. Learning. Blech. Verse 11. And the name of the star is called Wormwood. And the third part of the waters became Wormwood. And many men died of the waters because they were made bitter. And another Revelation fan fiction fave enters the narrative. And how can it not? Wormwood sounds metal as fuck. Well, actually, the Greek word John uses is absinthos. Not so metal now, is it? Well, it's not not metal. Absinthos is indeed a very bitter herb, which in English we call Wormwood. So John is just saying one third of the water now tastes like this bitter herb. Guys, don't drink the water. Somebody pissed in it. And I don't know who. They probably just couldn't find a public toilet in time. I know there are public toilets, but this person, whoever they were, can only go in the ones with the doors that go all the way to the bottom. I can't believe people say there's too much toilet humour in this show. I mean, really, where do they get off? The most common conspiracy theory you'll hear around Wormwood is actually a pretty good one. Back in the 12th century, a city was founded in what is now modern-day Ukraine. What a wonderful place for city. Nothing terrible could ever happen here. They named that city after the local species of Wormwood. Nice city, just don't drink the water. And the Slavic word for that particular species of Wormwood is... Drumroll, please. Chernobyl. Wow, I didn't see that coming. So the Chernobyl nuclear disaster of 1986 was, according to those who want it to be so, the third sounding of the trumpet in... The Book of Revelation. Why are you so desperate to be the last generation? So there's no one around to find my porn. Satan. Can you handle more trumpets? It's like a Marvel movie. At some point, more toppling skyscrapers filled with thousands of innocent people lose all meaning. Even, and maybe especially, to the screenwriters themselves. Hmm, and this is my life now? Verse 12. And the fourth angel sounded... And the third part of the sun was smitten. And the third part of the moon... And the third part of the stars... So as the third part of them was darkened, and the day shone not for a third part of it, and the night likewise... We just lost a third of the sunlight on the planet. Jesus solved global morning. Checkmate, atheist. You will have noticed how most things so far have been bespoiled or destroyed by one third. This is thought to represent how Yahweh prefers to stick it in just a little bit at first. I'll, uh, just put a third in. I promise. Okay. Is that it? Yep. It's not very much, is it? Okay, now do the rest. I, uh, I already have. Oh. Oh! Oh! Oh, it's, um, good. Look, sure. Yahweh has destroyed a third of the water, first ships, forest trees, stars, moon, and sun. But it's only one third. It could be worse. Verse 13. And I beheld and heard an angel flying through the midst of heaven. Say, with a loud voice. Whoa, whoa, whoa, to the inhabitants of the earth, by reason of the other voices of the trumpet of the three angels, which are yet to sound. It's worse. That's right. It's about to get even worse. But you'll have to wait for the next installment to find out how much, because that was the last verse in Chapter 8. John of Patmos ends Chapter 8 on a cliffhanger? Yeah. He literally did a... Hill and fire mingled with blood. Asteroids. Comets. Which are different to asteroids somehow. Massive fleet depletion, leading to major disruption of maritime trade. And three more trumpets still to sound. How will our heroes get out of this one? Tune in next week for another exciting installment of The Unbelievable Adventures of John of Patmos. The next exciting installment of The Unbelievable Adventures of John of Patmos is brought to you by Christ Incorporated. Christ Incorporated is a subsidiary of Yahweh International. Stay stupid and keep hating. Stay stupid and keep hating. Now that's a screenwriter who cares. To the listeners of Satan is my superhero, by reason of the other voices of the podcast of the many episodes which are yet to sound. Just like Yahweh's harbingers of doom in Chapter 8, we're also only halfway through the destruction we've been set to wreak. If you want to be on the right side of history when the last angel blows its trumpet... Go to patreon.com. Forward slash Satan is my superhero. You can join for free if you prefer to just stick it in a little bit at first. It's, um, good. What can we take away from day one of the end of the world? The total suffering and devastation of humanity is Christianity's endgame. Nice MCU callback to the deep insight I'd laid down earlier. Yeah, thanks. That's what I was going for. Having an imaginary god with a history of periodically destroying all of humankind doesn't necessarily make you a bad person. I mean, it might. It might. Everyone I know has a dark fantasy about destroying all of humankind. Do with that what you will. But wishing that imaginary god of yours is real and this genocide porn comes true, definitely 100% does make you a bad person. And that's why Satan is my superhero. Don't go anywhere just yet. Stay tuned to hear what's coming up in the next exciting installment of the unbelievable adventures of John of Patmos. I've given these locusts the power of scorpions. Why didn't you just use scorpions? Um... Hmm... Oh, and one last thing. They can't eat the grass. But they're locusts! They eat grass! Yeah, do you know what has the power of scorpions and doesn't eat grass? Bees? No, it's scorpions, you fucking idiot! Wasps! No, stop guessing! I already told you! Was it bees? And they're shaved like horses with crowns and long lady hair on their heads and the faces of men with lion teeth. Are they even locusts at all? Um... Hmm... Another fucking comet! All this and more in the next exciting installment of the unbelievable adventures of John of Patmos. The next exciting installment of the unbelievable adventures of John of Patmos is brought to you by Christ Incorporated. Christ Incorporated is a subsidiary of Yahweh International. Stay stupid and keep hating. Stay stupid and keep hating. Thank you so much for listening. Rate, review, subscribe, all that podcast stuff. But most of all, please give us money. Go to patreon.com forward slash Satan is my super hero. If you join our Patreon at the Third Circle of Hell, you'll receive access to exclusive content like this. And I was like, well, I do like sleeping, but fishes. Eww. So I went with the wolves option, which turned out to be very expensive. But I've been assured I love it. You've committed to Chernobyl now, so that's you. No, I haven't. Chernobyl. Should be Cher. That's what us working class folk call it. Cher. Is it a word? I can't. Cher. Okay, I'll go. No, no, it's fine. Chernobyl's perfectly. No, it sounds terrible. Okay. Just go from Chernobyl. I will. Chernobyl. Doesn't sound right. Chernobyl. Chernobyl. Chernobyl. So you're making your 15-year-old child make a drug joke? Yes.