Chiropractors | A Ghost Told Me To Crack Your Spine (And Charge You)

Chiropractors owe their entire medical philosophy to a ghost from Iowa. Yes—seriously! And apparently, the aggressive billing structure was the ghost's idea too.
Turns out alternative medicine wasn't discovered in a lab with "science" or "evidence" — it was channeled during a Victorian séance from a dead doctor whose primary contribution to medicine was: crack their neck, then charge them.
Magnetic healer D.D. Palmer took those ghost notes, adjusted a deaf janitor's spine, declared himself leader of a new religion, and somehow built a global healthcare profession. His son BJ then scaled the movement while famously announcing that "education constipates the mind" — a bold stance for a career requiring eight years of study.
This episode covers the mystical life-force theory behind "Innate Intelligence," the corporate-Christian subculture rebranding spinal adjustments for Jesus, and the absolute chaos of a 2019 chiropractic study that accidentally convinced Fox News that smartphones were mutating teenagers with actual devil horns.
Fully scripted. Heavily produced. Featuring Dr Poopinspine, a ghost with billing opinions, and one very confused janitor.

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MAIL US Got a chiropractor who told you your anxiety was a lumbar issue? A ghost tip? A smartphone devil horn? Send us your cult stories, religious weirdness, paranormal claims, or high-quality hate mail to satanismysuperhero@gmail.com. We promise not to consult a ghost before reading it.

Transcript

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Welcome to Satan is my Superheroes. In this episode, we are talking about chiropractors. You know chiropractors, the profession that's built around cracking your spine like bubble wrap and then sending you home with a pamphlet about toxins and a 12-visit treatment plan that somehow always turns into 47 visits. Do you suffer from a spine? Yes. Then you may be eligible for chiropractic manipulation from Dr. Poopenspine. Dr. Poopenspine, he's your guy. Hi, I'm Dr. Poopenspine and if you have a spine, I'm your guy. Come in today for my special introductory offer. How much is it? That depends. How much have you got? Dr. Poopenspine, he's your guy. Dr. Poopenspine is not a medical doctor, spiritual doctor or doctor of any kind. Side effects may include dizziness, regret, financial misalignment and sudden belief in energy fields. By attending your appointment, you agree that all problems are spine related and all solutions are billable. Results may vary, but payments will not. Stay stupid and keep paying. Now, before we go any further, first, let's be fair. Some people swear that chiropractic helps their back pain. In fact, manual manipulation of joints can sometimes provide short-term relief for muscular skeletal issues. But chiropractic isn't just a set of physical techniques. It's also a belief system. I believe in grief. And once you start digging into that belief system, things get odd. Oh really? How odd? The story of chiropractic includes ghost revelations, anti-science conspiracies, satanic panic and a surprisingly enthusiastic Christian subculture trying to make spinal adjustments for Jesus. That's pretty odd. The power of Christ compels you. Is this medicinal? No. But it sure is billable. Hallelujah. I can't feel my legs. It's a miracle. Before you could walk and now you can. Hallelujah. So today we're going to ask the question. How do a bunch of earnest, enthusiastic bone crackers working from instructions provided by a ghost to a Victorian magnetic healer end up on our podcast about Satan? Is it the ghost? It's totally the ghost. And so much more. Time for a brief background. Chiropractic begins in the late 1800s. Actually, can we just first take a quick tangent? The word chiropractic is apparently a singular noun. And if you are anything like me and Judas and have no idea what that means. I know what a singular noun is. Really? It's when, um, like a noun doesn't have a date. It means there's no plural version of the word. Sure, that's the more pedestrian lowbrow definition of the word, but I'll accept it. So anyway, being a singular noun, I can't say chiropractic. Chiropractic. And I can't say chiropractic. And I even can't say chiropractic, no matter how right it feels. Chiropractic. I find it's easy. I find it's easiest to just call it bullshit. Yes, yes. Very funny. All right. So chiropractic begins in the late 1800s with a man named Daniel David Palmer, or Diddy, to his friends. Oh, can we pronounce it Diddy? Please? Well, our friend Diddy Palmer was shockingly not a medical doctor. I have soiled myself. He was in fact a magnetic healer. Was he like a doctor that like spoons and shit stuck to his face? Like he couldn't go through airport security without setting off the alarms. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, Judas. You nailed it. Cool. No, he was actually a 19th century alternative practitioner, and he believed that illness could be cured by manipulating invisible energies inside the human body. So basically a health influencer of his day. Hey guys, it's your boy, Diddy. And today, I'm exposing the truth about your body that big spine doesn't want you to know. If you can't pronounce your vertebrae, you shouldn't be using them. Also, quick PSA, oxygen is a chemical, nitrogen is a chemical. Your spine is surrounded by chemicals. And once they're inside your body, they're inside your body. That's why I only breathe the organic air. And remember, if your spine isn't cracked, your energy is trapped. You know it's true because it rhymes. Crack that spine over at Dr. Poopin' Spine. Dr. Poopin' Spine. With just 48 weeks of daily treatments. Normally $88.99 plus servicing fees and administration costs per crack. But if you use my special promo code, Crooked AF, you'll get 10% off your first visit. Bye, y'all. In 1895, Palmer performed what he claimed was the very first chiropractic adjustment. Ah, what did you do? I feel lighter. Your wallet was too heavy. I fixed it. So according to the story, he treated a janitor named Harvey Lillard, who had partial hearing loss. Palmer said that he felt a bump in Lillard's spine, pushed the vertebrae back into place, and suddenly, the man's hearing improved. Okay, sir. Deep breath and hocus pocus, abracadabra, hopes and prayers. I have cured your hearing! What? I said, you owe me $88! And boom! A new health profession was born.$88! Palmer later explained that he didn't actually invent chiropractic. He said the idea came to him from another physician, a Dr. James Atkinson of Iowa. But here's the fun part. According to Diddy, when he spoke with Dr. James Atkinson of Iowa, Dr. James Atkinson of Iowa had already been dead for 50 years. He's a ghost? That's right, baby. We've got our ghost. Now, according to Diddy, Ghost Atkinson communicated the principles of chiropractic during a seance. Ooh, crack their neck. That's it? And charge them. Oh, yeah, yeah. Of course. Consult, follow-up consult, follow-up consult, spinal realignment, emotional realignment, extended adjustment. What's an extended adjustment? You take longer counting the money. It should go without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway for the slows. There is no record of a Dr. James Atkinson practicing medicine in Iowa in the time frame implied by Diddy's story. He might have given Diddy a false name. Ghosts do that all the time in seances. Don't take this away from me, Lexi. I need this. It has to be a ghost. Well, regardless of Dr. James Atkinson of Iowa's realness status, chiropractic was not discovered in something as unreliable and dull as a laboratory. It was channeled from the super reliable and easily verifiable spirit world. Really? That was sarcasm. Dummy. So from day one, chiropractic is owed less to the medical certification board and more to a Ouija board. Seriously, Derek. If I find out, is you moving the planchette? It's not me. I don't know why I keep spelling your mum's a whore. And look, if your medical practice starts with spirit channeling, don't be pissed when people start wondering if Satan helped with the paperwork. Paperwork? It's like you don't even know me. So now let's talk about the core belief. Innate intelligence. Okay, but I feel like the word intelligence is about to be misused. And actually innate. And core. And belief. And you know what? Maybe even the. Well, once our mate Diddy Palmer had absorbed all of the ghost inspo he could manage, he developed the core philosophy of chiropractic. And this is where things get mystical. Mystical. Mystical. Ooh. Palmer believed every human body contains something called innate intelligence. This innate intelligence flows through the nervous system controlling health and healing. It's a kind of life force. A force, you say? No, I didn't mean... No, I didn't mean... It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together. Anyway, if your spine is perfectly aligned, that not at all related to the Star Wars universe life force flows freely. But if your spine has tiny misalignments called subluxations... Subluxations? No, you got it. This is one of those words I wrote over and over, but who says it out loud? Well, you just did. I mean... Perfectly too, might I just add. And you looked very pretty doing it. Thanks, babe. And did you check if I actually pronounced that right? Well, that's how the other... The kids did it in the sketches, so... Okay, let's just roll with it. Yep. Why look it up? Exactly. But if your spine has tiny misalignments called subluxations, the flow gets blocked. A Jedi's strength flows from the force, but beware. Anger, fear, aggression, the dark side are there. According to early chiropractic theory, these subluxations cause nearly all disease. The dark side are there. Yes, well... Asthma? Spine problem. Infections? Spine problem. Digestive issues? Spine problem. Spine problem. Spine problem. I just got divorced. Yeah, but that's a lumber issue very common in men your age. I'm a woman. Oh, dear. It's much worse than I first thought. Chiropractor BJ Palmer, son of Diddy, and the man who really built chiropractic into a global movement, famously declared... My pappy named me after the option he wishes he had taken. Sorry, that was... That's a clip about a completely different thing. Completely different character. Like, nothing to do with BJ Palmer, son of Diddy. Here, I'll put on the right clip. 99% of our diseases are caused by subluxations. 99%. We surveyed 100 people and the top five answers are on the board. Name something that causes disease. Viruses. Not on the board, I'm afraid. Try again. Bacteria. Genetics? I'm sorry, but you're all out of guesses. Let's see what the survey said. Top five answers from our survey to the question, name something that causes disease. Coming in at number five, we have... Spines. Ooh. Number four. Lumber issues. Ah. Third most popular answer on the board. Unpronounceable vertebrae. Yeah. Number two. What are vertebrae anyway? Yeah. And finally, the number one answer from the survey is... Sounds like made-up science bullshit to me. Yeah. BJ Palmer, son of Diddy, also once wrote... BJ says mouth stuff and Palmer says hand stuff. I'm a veritable rainbow of sexy options. Sorry. Sorry. Again, wrong clip. Again, different thing altogether. Nothing to do with this episode. Just a labeling issue. Here's BJ Palmer, son of Diddy. Education constipates the mind. Oh. Poor BJ. Oh, well, maybe tomorrow. I shouldn't have read all them damn books. Yeah. Education constipates the mind is a bold slogan considering that chiropractic literally requires eight years of education. Is it really... Equip. Education. Do you suffer from chronic thinking? Sometimes. Do you find yourself asking questions, seeking evidence, or forming opinions based on facts? Yes. You may be suffering from education constipation. I do feel bloated. Education constipation occurs when knowledge builds up in the brain, causing pressure, discomfort, and dangerous levels of critical thinking. That sounds serious. It is, but I can fix it. I'm Dr. Poop and Spine, and I'm your guy. Dr. Poop and Spine, he's your guy. Oh, thank goodness. I've been really worried about education constipation, Evan, since I heard about it for the first time two and a half seconds ago. One adjustment, and your thoughts just disappear. Yikes. Ooh. Ah. Oh, I don't remember what we were just talking about. Ask your chiropractor if ignorance is right for you. Dr. Poop and Spine, he's your guy. Side effects may include confusion, confidence without evidence, susceptibility to conspiracy theories, and sudden urges to start a podcast. All I remember is I can't get this poop out of my butt. This education constipates the mind mentality really explains a lot about the profession's relationship with science. Early chiropractic texts openly described innate intelligence as a manifestation of God within the body. The body is a temple, the spine is the altar, and cash is the offering. Chiropractic is the spiritual cosmology about how the body works. Your nervous system is carrying divine energy, and chiropractors are the priests adjusting the plumbing. You said plumbing. So, is a chiropractic clinic a medical practice, or a church where the sacrament is neck cracking? This is my vertebra. Hallelujah. Through this adjustment, your sins are forgiven. Praise the lumbar. Provided you complete the 48-month treatment plan of bi-weekly $88 spinal adjustments. Amen. Stay stupid and keep paying. Diddy Palmer did declare, I am the leader of a new religion, a religious system that will, in time, revolutionise the world. More like realign the world, because you know, spinal, realign, you know what, just don't worry about it. Just, I'm just going to go back to poo jokes. Carry on. So yes, chiropractic is possibly the only healthcare profession whose founder openly described it as a religion. Now, this is where it gets awkward. Let me introduce you to Christian chiropractors. Christian chiropractors. It makes perfect sense. It's like Christian Muslims or pineapple on pizza. It's just logical, isn't it? I'm not happy that you put pineapple on pizza in there. That seems a bit rough to people who like pineapple on pizza, but anyway. I personally enjoy pineapple on pizza. Who doesn't like it? Why is it so controversial? No, because it's the hot fruit thing. Some of us don't like hot fruit. Now, I like pineapple on pizza, but I pretend it's not pineapple. Yeah. I pretend it's a very strange cheese. You would do well in this chiropractic industry with that sort of a thought process, I think. The Lord is speaking to me right now. He says your spine is out of alignment. Is that... It's a miracle. My back feels much better and I'm sure we're all made this way forever. How can I ever thank our Lord, the almighty God of the entire universe? Venmo is fine. In this Christ-centered chiropractic worldview, chiropractic isn't just healthcare. It's part of God's plan for the human body. Why have you come to see me today? Oh, Dr. Poobin's mine. My lower back... No, that's not it. What? Yes, it is. Nope. You're here today because the good Lord sent you. The Lord's plan for you is to get on my plan. It's a payment plan. Some practitioners claim that spinal adjustments restore the body to the state God intended. Fixed it! Ew. Is it meant to look like that? Others have described chiropractic as a divinely inspired healing system. Divinely inspired by a séance? Well, yes, exactly. And to be fair, some Christian groups agree with you, Judas. There are ministries online warning that chiropractic came from spiritual channeling and therefore must be influenced by evil spirits. Hey, Dr. Atkinson, you would have told me if you were an evil spirit, right? Well, before I answer that, let's just establish some facts. You never asked. Yes. I want a lawyer. So according to the Flavor Christian, chiropractic is either A. A healing practice inspired by God B. A dangerous occult practice from demons or C. A ghost-taught medical religion involving spinal alignment. Which is honestly a pretty impressive range for something that mostly involves cracking spines like a glow stick. I just want to dance. Is this enough for chiropractic to get its own episode on our show about Satan? What if I told you that a chiropractic clinic sparked a global satanic panic? I would say I'm listening. What if I told you it involved young people growing devil horns? I would say you just got yourself an episode on Satan is my superhero. In 2019, a study of some young chiropractic patients linked bone spurs on the back of their necks with overuse of smartphones. And saying smartphones really dates that. Who says smartphones? It is such an old person thing, isn't it? Mom, I think I've got a horn. Gross, Jaden. I do not want to hear about that. No, but it just started happening and now it's like it's sticking out. Stop! And it's hard. Oh my god. The media ran wild with warnings of phones giving teenagers devil horns. Some commentators even started calling them hell phones. Thanks, Marjorie. Fascinating link between body piercing and Marxism. Fascinating. Coming up soon, we've got an explainer on why Bill Gates wants your frog to be gay. And after the break, we'll show you how many satanic messages are hidden in pronouns. It's more than you think. But first, teenagers with devil horns. Should we be concerned? Back to you, Tom. So naturally, the internet lost its mind. Parents panicked and boomers blamed TikTok. Thanks for listening to AM radio and calling in today. What would you like to say, caller? I'd just like to say, bloody kids. Back in my day, phones didn't give you a horn. No, you had to earn it. With poor lighting and a Victoria's Secret catalogue. Firebrand pastors everywhere titled their sermons, Satan in your pocket, for a month. And then COVID hit and then we all forgot about it. Oh no, we forgot about them poor children with the awful devil horns. But where had all of this devil horns business started? From looking down at their phones. Haven't you been listening? Was it though? Because you see, these researchers had noticed small bony bumps on the back of patient skulls in x-rays of chiropractic clients. Ugh, gross. And the x-rays too. They're also pretty gross. These bumps are called occipital exostosis. They're basically little bone spurs where the neck muscles attach. They're actually a pretty normal anatomical variation. But somehow in the media coverage, those harmless bone bumps evolved into... Young people growing devil horns. But here's the catch. The study never actually measured phone use at all. These researchers working from chiropractic supplied information merely speculated that phones might be responsible. Did they have to speculate? Is that like a part on the form that they have to fill in? Maybe they should be allowed to leave that blank if they didn't study it. Like every single exam I ever did at school had massive segments. I just left blank. Didn't study it. Well, their speculation led to influencers all around the world confidently declaring that phones were mutating teenagers into low-budget Marvel villains. I am Devilman. What's your superpower? I use both thumbs to text. If you'd like to support the show... And prevent us messing with your spine based on advice from a ghost... Join our Patreon for just a few dollars a month. You can help keep this podcast... Evidence Adjacent. Go to patreon.com forward slash Satan is my superhero. And help ensure our children receive at least some fluoride and science-based medicine. Patreon now with significantly fewer ghosts. I didn't agree to that. What can we take away from this... Bullshit. Well, it began with a ghost story. Built around a mystical life force theory called innate intelligence. Its founder openly described chiropractic as a new religion. Whether you believe it's a legitimate physical therapy technique or a belief system about invisible energy flowing through your spine. The only thing you need to know is the founding research method was... A ghost told me. And that's why Satan is my superhero. Tell you'll receive access to exclusive content like this. I'm not impressed. Are you impressed? It's unanimous. We're not impressed. Shut up, Trev. I only let you call in because you had weed. Dad, is this a cult? No. It's an Apple store. This is going to be quite the out-of-pocket day for you. According to who? My blog. Which I read. Where did you get this evidence? I talked to a ghost doctor. Get out. Mommy, my teeth are dissolving.