Satan in the White House Redux 2024
In this episode we will be discussing Satanic US Presidents from George Washington to Joe Biden.
[TTS, ‘Which is fitting, because they were both born in the same year.’]
When it comes to religion, George Washington set the tone for many US presidents to come.
02 [DEMOCRAT, ‘Was that tone orange?’]
Publically he was an avid church goer but according to his own records privately not so much.
03 [WASHINGTON, ‘It's stupid and boring, I mean, I totally respect the beliefs you pretend you believe in.’]
Also not helping George’s credibility on the Christian front was the fact that when he did go to church it was noted by multiple observers that he would leave early and miss communion.
08 [CHRISTIAN, ‘George, it’s been noticed you always leave church early, if you come at all.’
WASHINGTON, ‘Well you see, it’s stupid and boring. Quite frankly when I’m not a busy General fighting a continent wide war of revolution or a President ruling a fragile new country. I’m a busy landed white man running an estate with 300 slaves. It’s not easy keeping an eye on all those slaves you know. I’ll say it, they don’t want to be there and that can be problematic.’]
Thomas Jefferson was accused of being an atheist or at the very least a deist like Washington.
13 [JEFFERSON, ‘Jesus is a bit too jewy for me.’]
He did not help his cause by producing his own scrapbook version of the bible.
[CHOIR OF ANGELS, ‘Problematic.’]
He cut and paste passages from the New Testament. Now kiddies, when I say cut and paste, I mean he literally used scissors in the RL and cut paragraphs out of a bible. Then he used actual paste. Who knew? Paste is a real thing.
[SATAN, ‘That's right middle aged white ladies, Thomas Jefferson invented scrapbooking.’
(BEAT)
SATAN, ‘And racism.’]
Interestingly, Jefferson’s more craft than arts bible omitted any references to Jesus having supernatural powers.
14 [JEFFERSON, ‘I don't like magicians. They’re also too jewy.’]
In 1858 Abraham Lincoln gave his acceptance speech, also known as his, ‘House divided’ speech. It features the bible quote,
17 [LINCOLN, ‘A house divided against itself cannot stand.’]
We can see how a line like this can easily be applied to antebellum America. In Mark, the rest of the line goes,
18 [MARK, ‘And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand. And if Satan rise up against himself, and be divided, he cannot stand, but hath an end.’]
Whether he intended to or not Lincoln quietly linked his political enemies to Satan in a very nice way.
19 [REPORTER, ‘Mr President are you saying Southerners are evil?’
LINCOLN, ‘Hmm, do I think the people who want to own people, so they can subjugate, humiliate and denigrate those people are evil? Hmm, let me think about that one and get back to you.’
REPORTER, ‘No need. I heard it while you were saying it.’]
Interesting side note, despite Abraham Lincoln being the one history will remember as a vampire hunter after that bio-pic, it’s Andrew Johnson who actually crossed paths with a real life vampire. Well, kind of. A sailor known as James Brown,
RECORDED: [BROWN, I feeeeeeee….!’]
No relation, murdered two shipmates on a fishing vessel and was accused of drinking their blood. He was sentenced to death but Johnson commuted the sentence to life imprisonment.
[SATAN, ‘Ouch! That’s a really long time for a vampire.’]
President James Garfield was murdered by Charles Julius Guiteau in 1881. Guiteau would later claim a divine voice had told him to kill the president.
20 [SFX BONG
JESUS, ‘Hey Julius, do you know what would be really funny….’
ANGEL, ‘Jesus! Are smoking bongs and prank calling primates again?’]
Guiteau did admit that he considered the voice MIGHT be the devil but eventually decided it must be YHWH because it was telling him to shoot an unarmed man in the back with a high calibre pistol.
[SATAN, ‘Oh that is totally out of YHWH’s playbook.’]
And just one last point on Guiteau, earlier in his life Guiteau had joined a sex cult where no one would have sex with him.
21 [LINCOLN, ‘Say what you like about John Wilkes Booth, at least he could get laid.’]
Kansas evangelist and all round hater Gerald Burton Winrod accused FDR of being an antichrist, in his 1945 book,
[TTS, ‘The Antichrist and the Atomic Bomb.’]
Wingnut, sorry I mean Winrod claimed FDR and Stalin were planning a Jewish led Communist New World Order.
02 [FDR, ‘No one will see it coming!’]
Quality Assurance Officer Gabriel J Cola published the book, Unmasking the Beast, The Second Reign of JFK. In which he asserts there is clear evidence in scripture that JFK will rise from the dead and signal Armageddon. He quotes Revelation,
07 [JOHN, ‘And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast.’
TRANSITION
MUM, ‘Don't look at the president's head wound children. It's rude to stare.’]
Believe it or not but on the anniversary of JFK’s death in 2021 hundreds of Qanon creeps turned up at Dealey Plaza in Dallas where JFK had been shot because they decided to pretend they believed he would rise from the dead and become Trumps Vice President in 2024.
08 [JFK, ‘I also like to grab em by the pussy!’]
Hunter S Thompson opened the eulogy he wrote for Richard Nixon with a quote from Revelation,
09 [JOHN, ‘And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.’
TRANSITION
NIXON, ‘I welcome this kind of examination, because people have got to know whether or not their President is a dirty bird. Well, I am not a bird.’
(BEAT)
NIXON, ‘Cackaw! Cackaw!’]
Ronald Reagan famously consulted with an astrologist which is not the Christian thing to do!
[SATAN, ‘Oh Ronny, I blame Hollywood.’]
Conspiracy theorists and other fringe elements have found an awesome amount of connections between Reagan and the Number of the Beast.
[HOOTS, ‘There’s eighty million theories on the net. He hasn’t read one he doesn’t believe yet.’]
To start with Ronald Wilson Reagan. Each of his 3 names have 6 letters in them. So for the dummies out there that’s 666.
12 [DUMMIE, ‘Don’t call people dummies. Math illiteracy is serious.’]
In his very first film Knute Rockne All American,
[SATAN, ‘Sounds like a porno to me.’]
Reagan played ‘The Gipper’,
[SATAN, ‘Totally a porno.’]
The Gipper was a member of Notre Dame’s football team’s backfield known as,
[DRUM ROLL]
The Four Horsemen.
[GASP
PANNICKER, ‘We’re all gonna die!]
13 [COACH, ‘Death, I want you in the Coffin Corner while Famine runs across the Dead Zone and Punts to War who will unleash Total Offense allowing Conquest and Glory to bring the Dicker-Rod to Completion. Everyone got that?’
DEATH, ‘Have you ever even seen football?’]
It is claimed Knute Rockne All American was the 666th film released by Hollywood.
[CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘That’s bullshit.’]
I couldn’t find anything to back this up and how would you even count that.
14 [SKEP, ‘Where did you get that number? What research did you do?’
FLERF, ‘I heard a thing that suited my pre conceived notions and supports my world view so I know in my heart it must be true.’
SKEP, ‘That is not how truth works.’
FLERF, ‘You just don't want the fantastical supernatural world to exist. That's all.’
SKEP, ‘Why do you want that world to be true so much?’
FLERF, ‘If this world is all there is, it means I'm just a dumb loser and I'll never be anything else and the girls who were mean to me in high school won't burn for eternity.’
SKEP, ‘Okay, Knute Rockne All American was the 666th film released by Hollywood.’
FLERF, ‘Thank you.’]
In 1966 Reagan was running for the Californian Governorship and won his first primary in June. Which if you think of it the way many people might write that numerically it makes 6/66.
[SFX BOW BEING DRAWN]
[SATAN, ‘What’s that sound? Oh it’s a very long bow being drawn.’]
On Election Day November 4th, 1980 when Reagan attained the presidency for the first time, the winning Pick 3 lottery number in Maryland was 666. I have to admit, that’s pretty cool.
[TTS, ‘Coincidences do happen.’]
Okay, I’ll accept that, but 4 years later the election was on November 6th, 1984. 4 days after that on November 10th, the Maryland Pick 3 Lottery drew 666 again.
[DUNT DUNT DAH]
The conspiracy theorists like to lump the New Jersey Pick 3 Lottery in this story but I researched the records for both draws and while the Maryland checks out as mentioned, I couldn’t find a 666 in the New Jersey results around those times.
16 [GULLY, ‘This Maryland lottery thing is amazing!’
GRIFTER, ‘I know.’
GULLY, ‘Just wait until the world hears about it.’
GRIFTER, ‘Well we need a third one. Everyone knows ALL things of cosmic consequence happen in threes. So we'll have to make something up.’
GULLY, ‘You mean lie?’
GRIFTER, ‘Yeah but it’s okay to tell a lie to help promote a greater truth. It's how all religious people who actually believe that twaddle, sleep at night.’
GULLY, ‘We're still the good guys right?’
GRIFTER, ‘Yes. But the demonstrable facts don’t support our righteousness so we have to deceive everyone.’
GULLY, ‘So it’s a white lie, which makes it okay?’
GRIFTER, ‘Yes. Unlike the ones told by black people.’
GULLY, ‘Wait! What?’]
It is also claimed Reagan had said $666 was added to new car prices by government regulation. He didn’t he said,
17 [REAGAN, ‘Government regulations, right or wrong have added some $600 to the cost of a car.’
TRANSITION
FLERF, ‘Close enough! And I have to fill my red writing on a green background GeoCities website with something.’
TRANSITION
TECHBRO, ‘GeoCities? That’s some deep cut conspiracy theorist bullshit right there!’
CHOIR, ‘You have be Xerox machines and a single landline phone in the hallway old to understand that one.’]
It is also claimed Reagan’s first budget projected government revenue of,
[STING, ‘666 billion dollars.’]
I couldn’t find Ronny quoting this anywhere but in the Administration’s Fiscal Year 1983 Economic Program presented to the 97th Congress, projected government receipts were,
[STING, ‘666 billion dollars.’]
[SATAN, ‘Oh Ronny, you brazen cad.’]
And according to the Budget of the United States Government, outstanding federal loans at the end of 1988 were,
[STING, ‘666 billion dollars.’]
You can also find a June 2000 report in Clinton’s archives showing an expected $455 billion deficit ended up being a $211 billion surplus. A difference of,
[STING, ‘666 billion dollars.’]
And the 2017 US deficit was,
[STING, ‘666 billion dollars.’]
[SATAN, ‘Oh that’s just a coincidence.’]
In 1981 Reagan was shot and recovered from the wound. People like to associate this with the line from Revelation we heard earlier about JFK.
REPLAY 07 [JOHN, ‘And I saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed…’]
But it wasn’t a fatal head wound. He was hit under the left armpit.
18 [REAGAN, ‘Ow! My armpit! I wish you’d shot me in the head. I don’t use that.’]
It is claimed his 84 re-election campaign cost $66.6 million. The only number I found from a source I trusted to be legit came to around $76 million. While not being Satanic it is a reasonable amount to pay for the 4 year lease on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave.
19 [GULLY, ‘76 isn't the same as 66.6.’
GRIF, ‘It can be if you have to publish a blog every single week.’]
Reagan himself said this of money in politics,
20 [REGAN, ‘Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.’]
My take away from that is Reagan was the world's oldest sex worker.
21 [REAGAN, ‘Hey there hansom, wanna get freaky?’
(BEAT)
REAGAN, ‘I can take my teeth out.’]
If you try hard enough and keep the Junior abbreviated, George Walker Bush Jr’s name becomes 3 sets of 6 as long as you never admit to yourself it’s actually 2 sets of 6, a set of 4 and a set of 2.
03 [SKEPTICAL, ‘Are you sure Dubya didn't come up with that math himself?’]
In 2006 Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez talked about Dubya’s visit to the U.N. the day before. Saying,
04 [CHAVEZ, "the devil came here yesterday... it smells of sulphur still today."]
[SATAN, ‘He gets an upset tummy when he travels!’]
Up until the internet age I don’t think any presidents had been called, antichrist, Satan or the devil as much as Barack Obama and I think we all know why.
05 [BILLYHILL, ‘Hey! People who call other people antichrists aren’t always racist! I mean, you know, not EVERY time.’]
I think the most hysterical white man to demonize Barack is Faithful World Baptist Church Pastor Steven Andersen. Anderson delivered a sermon in 2009 entitled, Why I Hate Barack Obama.
[SATAN, ‘If I were to take three guesses at the answer, they would all be racism.’]
In 2014 Andersen said this about Obama’s mother,
06 [ANDERSEN, ‘We could all go to Walgreens and get a DNA test and settle it today if Obama would submit to it. Right I mean don’t they sell it at Walgreens for a hundred bucks? But the point is though we can’t figure it out because she was such a whore.’]
I’d like to just pause the show for a second and get personal. It's one thing to hate Barrack Hussein Obama for reasons we can all see but I won’t speculate on here.
07 [CHOIR OF DEMONS, ‘It’s racism dummy.’]
But when you attack a man's mother, it speaks volumes about your character and the world view you represent. This, checks notes, Christian, oh I see the problem. Back to the show.
[TTS, ‘You say back to the show. I say, one more point about Christian Pastor Steven Andersen. From our house band, The Genuine Hoots of Joy.’]
[HOOTS, ‘You’re shit. You are a piece of shit. This song is not a metaphor. I really am singing to a piece of poo.’]
We’re diverting from the usual Satan in the White House formula. We won’t be talking about all the people who have claimed Trump is the antichrist.
[TTS, ‘We could not fit that into this format.’]
We’re tackling the people who have claimed, something else.
[SATAN, ‘I’m contractually bound to make no more comments in this episode.’]
In August 2019 Donald J Trump stood on the White House lawn and announced to the world,
[TRUMP, ‘I am the chosen one.’]
And a disturbing number of people in or close to power agreed.
01 [BILLYHILL, ‘President Trump empowers me to…’
ERIC SON OF A DUSTMAN, ‘Say the quiet part out loud.’]
For example, Conceal and Carry Licenced Texas Republican and former Secretary of Energy, Rick Perry paraphrased a conversation he had with Trump, telling Fox News,
REPLAY: TSLP 02 [DISCLAIMER GUY, ‘Not a real News company.’]
02 [PERRY, ‘I said, ‘Mr President, I know there are people that say, y’know, ‘You said you were the chosen one.’ And, I said: ‘You were.’]
While we're paraphrasing a conversation that may or may not have happened, I like to think Perry then asked Trump,
03 [PERRY, ‘Does my erection make you feel uncomfortable?’]
In 2019 Sarah Huckabee Sanders was paid to say,
04 [SANDERS, ‘I think God calls all of us to fill different roles at different times, and I think that he wanted Donald Trump to become president.’]
Imagine if Huckabee WASN’T lying about what she thought and she truly did believe the universe was run by an intelligent interventionist deity.
05 [AIDE, ‘Excuse me Sarah, there's fly on your face. Aren't you going to swot it away?’
HUCKABEE, ‘Nope! It's the lord's way of letting me know, I'm a piece of shit.’]
In a 2019 survey conducted by The Salt Lake Tribune, 53% of white Pentecostals believed Trump was anointed by God.
[HOOTS, ‘Really dumb.’]
You know what I always say about surveys? Surveys are taken by people who want to take surveys.
[AI GENERATED WOMAN, ‘What a hot take.’]
So if you’re like me, you’ve never been represented in a survey.
11 [SURVEYOR, ‘Hi there, would you like to partake in a survey?’
PLEB, ‘Yes I would.’
SURVEYOR, ‘Oh....’
PLEB, ‘What's the problem?’
SURVEYOR, ‘I've never got this far before. I don't know what to do next.’]
In September 2022, Biden delivered a speech condemning the MAGA movement from the steps of Independence Hall in Philadelphia. The stage was bathed in patriotic red, white and blue lighting. One particular shot of Biden during the speech had him engulfed entirely in the red light. And when you routinely have to make up the shit you’re angry about, that’s what the MAGAts did.
11 [MAGAT, ‘If we didn't make it up, no one would say it.’]
Trump responded to the image of Biden drenched in red light going around the interwebs, with a photo of himself French kissing the American flag while he inappropriately groped it.
17 [TRUMP, ‘Get Cohen on the line.’
(BEAT)
TRUMP, ‘Michael I need you to pay hush money to a flag.’
(BEAT)
TRUMP, ‘No, I said a flag.’]
In May 2024 Biden withheld a shipment of offensive munitions to Israel in an attempt to show his disapproval at the IDF's lack of a substantive evacuation plan for civilians ahead of the ground invasion of Raffia.
24 [TEEN, ‘You never let me have any fun!’]
A man who has bravely admitted publically to have never sexually aroused a woman, Ben Shapiro titled the episode of his podcast that day, Biden Sides with Satan.
[SATAN, ‘He’s not wrong. I am against indiscriminate bombing of civilians by military forces. Since little Benjamin Shapiro got one right for a change, I'm going to bestow upon him the ability to bring a woman to orgasm.’]
25 [SHAPIRO, ‘Oh my god! What's happening? I don't like it. I’m scared. Mummy please make it stop!’]
And that’s why Satan is my Superhero.
