The Gifts Of Caregiving

It’s the week before Christmas and I thought I would do a bit of reflection about this gift giving season.  As a caregiver, this holiday season may be different.  

That’s why today, I want to talk about the 7 gifts of Caregiving.  Those you receive from others and yourself as well as those you give. 

• You're giving a very special and amazing gift to your loved one. 
• The gift of love.  You give it and receive it.
• The love you give to yourself.
• Love from others.
• Community of support.
• The gift of your team.
• The small moments of joy.

I believe, whatever your situation is like, you have gifts.  Embrace them and be grateful.   My challenge for you today, is to open up to the little gifts you received and take action on gifts you can give.  My favorite gifts are small but mighty.  Find yours

May your holiday be blessed with warm memories, happy thoughts and amazing small gifts. 

Transcript

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Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. It's the week before Christmas in the United States, and I thought I would do a bit of reflection about the gift giving season. As a caregiver, I know this season can be it may be very different for you. For me, it looked different for now five years. And I remember back in 2017 was my first caregiving holiday season. And we celebrated it with my dad in his cabin up north and when my mom and dad. And it was my dad's last Christmas together. He was so sick, but we got smiles and a meal together. And I remember buying him slippers, which was he put on right away and had a little smile on his face. It was really a difficult year, but I am I can still remember like lots of details and bits and pieces. And then as the second season of caregiving came on, I was a ball of emotion. It was my spouse's second year fighting cancer. And I was so grateful to have him there, but I was so angry that the cancer just kept coming and he was still fighting. It was my mom's first year without dad, and she celebrated with us, and we we felt lonely. We felt we were grieving dad. And you know, this whole COVID thing started kicking in in uh that in those years to come. And so we, you know, we started feeling that. My third year I was settling into caregiving and accepting that I was caring for my mom and my spouse, but I started feeling this overwhelm set in because you know how it is when you um do add the holiday season on top of it, you in on top of all your responsibilities. Now you're buying gifts and baking cookies, planning, you know, the dinners and the events, and the I wanted, I felt like I wanted to continue the traditions, create some new memories, and embrace the time versus fighting it. And it was really, really hard for me. I just I I I actually did way too much. And then the last year, it was my fourth year. It was, it was probably one of my worst holiday seasons out ever. Uh, we found out that Dennis in the fall had his cancer back again, but he had the the two Hodgkins and non-Hodgkins fighting now. And so in November he went for a round of of four days of chemo, and then another round in December, and he was just not feeling good. And then we were on top of it, we were we were planning the stem cell transplant and knowing that we had to go ahead and pick up our lives and move them away um at the beginning of the year. I was just tired, no matter how I did it. I remember burning the the dinner rolls. Uh I had runny jello uh and plans, and then you know that that didn't help. And then my mom had this Christmas celebration planned at um, it was a local restaurant. They had a separate room and she wanted to pull everybody together and have the my brother and my sister and all the kids together have this Christmas. Well, my brother and his family ended up having COVID. And so she ended up canceling and very depressed and very sad. And we didn't know now that we think about it, it was our last Christmas. Everything just did not work out, and I didn't, I was just so out of sorts. I was the crabbiest person. I felt like the the um I went through the motions and didn't embrace anything. I just just wanted it to be over. And then it wasn't a it wasn't a good year for me, but I'm thinking about you, and maybe this is you this year, or you this year, or it was you in the past. Well, this year I feel the bet like it's been the best year that I've had in, you know, a half a dozen Christmases. 2022 taught me to live in the present, and I've been writing this down every single day for probably 90 days now. Leo Kathy, live in the present every single morning after I gratitude. And I allow myself to feel and embrace my thoughts and feelings and tell myself it's okay. If there's any untruths, I tell it to go away, but I just embrace it. So uh I just got done yesterday. I'm I'm recording this on Monday, so it would be the 18th um of December. But this past weekend I had my family over, my three boys, their significant others, the three grandkiddos. And I just allowed it to just be fun. And I allowed whatever happened to happen. I let the pressures go, I just let everything happen. It was a joy to see everyone and just observe the smiles and the laughs and the hug, the chaoses because we had three dogs in the in addition. But it was fun, you know. I cried fixing the meal, thinking about my mom and her not being there, but I felt her in my heart and I just felt her there. But I also felt the warmth of knowing that she was with dad and how hard it was her with her for her for many years of celebrating without dad. And so I'm at peace with that, and it just it brings tears to my eyes because it feels good, it feels good, and so whatever you're feeling like this holiday season, I want to tell you that it's okay. It's okay, it's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel happy, it's okay to feel worried, it's okay to feel guilty, it's okay to feel like you don't want to celebrate and you're angry. It's okay. However, I want you to think about and celebrate yourself and whatever you feel. Because in this podcast today, I want you to know that you are blessed with many gifts of from caregiving that caregiving has given you. That's why today I want to talk about the seven gifts of caregiving, those you receive from others and yourself as well as those though as as you give you give this gift to yourself. There's no money involved, there's no wrapping paper involved, there's no tissue paper and boxes involved. It is all about those those those gifts that you get. So let me start. I have seven of them written down, but I think you're gonna be able to relate to each and every one. The first one is is pretty obvious. You are giving a very special and an amazing gift to your loved one. It requires a lot of work. A lot, you can you can you can fill in the blank, a lot of hard work, maybe stress and overwhelm, and maybe uh a lot of uh of patience and and energy, but you give love to, you give your time, you give your energy, you give your patience, you give your expertise, you give everything that you have and more. Many times you don't get recognition or thank you even for it. There are days where you just want to cry because you feel like you're not appreciated, but then there are days where you don't need the appreciation because you got something in return, like I got, you know, a hug from my mom or whatever it would be. You may feel like it's expected of you and you feel alone, but I know and other caregivers know deeply how this goes. So keep reminding yourself that you are giving care, you are giving this special gift and be proud of what you are doing and hold your head high. Hold your head high because not everybody gets to be in your shoes and gets to go ahead and and do this amazing gift uh of caregiving. Okay, the second one is the gift. The gift is love. You give it and you receive it. Pay attention to all the love you give to your loved one. And it may, it doesn't have to necessarily be affection, it could be uh uh the love language of of service, it could be the love language of just keeping keeping their spirits up. It really hit home with me this past September when my mom, when I got to start tucking my mom into bed, because my mom has like I've shared with you over and over again, she's been the energizer bunny. She she's always taken care of herself really good. But when she started hospice care and she started really struggling, I would go ahead and say, Mom, I'm gonna stay here tonight. And even in August, I'm gonna stay here tonight. I'm gonna tuck you into bed and make sure you're all you're sleeping, and then I'm going to go ahead and leave for home before we had to provide the care. She gave me so much as a daughter, and now I could give back to her by pulling the covers up, tucking her in the bed, giving her a hug and a peck on the cheek and telling her how much I love her. If I only could have one more day of that. But you know what? My heart is just flowing over. So think about those little things that you do for your loved one. It might be getting them a glass of water, or it might be looking at them and saying, Hey, how are you doing today? Or I want to share something with you. Give that gift of love. That's one. The other one that I thought about is another love is the love you give to yourself, which is number three. When gifts, what gifts are you giving yourself? When you think of self-care as a gift of love to yourself, you will feel self-appreciation. It means you care about yourself enough to give yourself the gift of self-care, of taking care of yourself. You want to be the best caregiver you can be, so you have to take care of yourself. Right away, that comes to mind because it's Christmas and ballet, you know, the nutcracker ballet. You think about a performer like a dancer on the stage. They have to give the best performance they can because they have an audience there. Well, that dancer has to take care of themselves or herself or himself so that they can go ahead and perform the best they can be. So don't think about the fact that they just pop in there and they get on stage. It was it's been hours of hours of practice. But in addition to that, their care that they give themselves are, you know, nutrition and stretching and enough sleep and whatever it would be, water and hydration so that they can be the best they can be. You are a caregiver and you are that dancer. You have to go ahead and take care of yourself, or you're not going to be at your best. And you think about too, maybe your loved one had to have surgery. That surgeon, you want to hope that surgeon is at the top of his or her game when they're you're getting your surgery or your loved one's getting their surgery. So behind the scenes, are they taking care of themselves? So, my question to you with this third gift of self-care or self-love, what gift are you giving yourself today? What are those things that you need to give to yourself as so that you can be the best that you can be? Hopefully, it's taking a break. Hopefully, it's nutrition, hopefully it's it's physical and mental exercise or energy, whatever it would be, whatever you do. Okay. Number four is the gift that you get of love from others, those family and friends that are supporting you. Some of them are physically supporting you, some of them are supporting you in spirit. You know, be grateful for the text that you get when when you just need it. You know, somebody, it's like, can they read my mind? They're just sending me a text saying, hey, I was thinking about you. Hey, here's a a fun little, you know, little clip that I want to send to you. Or, you know, can I bring you over, you know, a uh a sandwich for lunch? Or you re or you reach out to them and they take the time to go ahead and call you back or text you back, or they're just providing you a list uh their ear to listen to. Um, I'm grateful too over the past year for those friends that dropped off chicken soup at my doorstep for Dennis when he came back from his stem cell transplant. He had to be, you know, quarantined and secluded, but all of a sudden they text me and saying, I'm dropping off uh a meal for you, and the meal is sitting there. You know, think about all of the the folks that are supporting you because what do we do most of the time? We think about the people that are don't don't even reach out, don't even touch base with us, they don't say anything. They, you know, no, focus on the people that are, the friends that are, and you know your friends, reach out to them and and give them a gift back. But when you get something, be grateful for it. Another one that I am really grateful for, and it's it's truly a gift. And those of you who are in the caregiver cup circle know that the community of serve uh support is a gift. Um, if you're in any type of community, it is truly a gift. The gift of, especially a caregiver community, the gift of a listening ear in this community, someone that's sharing the same feelings or challenges you are, and you're saying, Oh my gosh, they're saying something that's exactly what I'm feeling. Now I don't feel alone. It's those kind words of encouragement that lift you up. I have a wonderful accountability group. Amy and Naomi are part of that. It's just a little free trio that we try to connect with, and we're always lifting each other up. I know I can count on them if I drop them a message and saying, hey, I'm struggling today. They're there. But the Caregiver Cup community has given me a place to go for help. As much as I'm facilitating it, I'm also getting rewards back from it. And it shifts my mindset and as it helps me continue on an on those especially dark days. The members that are in it can go ahead and come to that group and we go ahead and just listen. So uh at the bottom of the uh podcast notes today, you'll be able to see that you're invited if you want to. Each and every month, I open it up the first few days, and you can go ahead and enjoy. But we need each other's gifts that we provide in the especially in the community of caregiving. It can be such a long road. It can be such a lonely road, it can be such a challenging and overwhelming road. But when we are in community, that gift each and every time we connect helps us keep going. The other gift that I thought about for number six is the gift of your team. Whether you know it or not, you are manager of this caregiver life. You are managing your loved one's care, whether you think about it or not. Sometimes we forget all the people that are helping you in managing this caregiver world, your the your loved one's team of doctors, the nurses, the physical therapists, the lab technicians, anybody that's helping with home health care, whether they're in person or they're over the phone, people helping with cleaning or errands, the delivery person that's dropping off whatever it is that you get, if you get Amazon or if you get um Instacart, whatever, DoorDash, whatever it would be, and more. It can be major players of your team giving your loved one a ride, for example. Maybe you have a clock conflict and you reach out and saying, Hey, I need help with in your siblings or helping with the bringing your loved one to the doctor's office, or you have a neighbor sitting with your loved one while you finally go get your haircut. Or it can be the minor helpers that call, that you call and ask what you need at the store. They they out of the blue, they go ahead and call and say, Hey, I I'm going to the store today. I was thinking about do you do you need anything? And it's like, oh, how nice is that? It saves you a trip. Or a family member that comes over and cuts the lawn for you. Whatever it would be, continue, continue to build your team and embrace and embrace and appreciate the gifts that they give. Be open to the gift and allow it to grow. Because what I've learned over the many years is that your friends and family do want to help, but they just don't know what to do. And if they offer something, for example, when we were in the stem cell transplant process last year for six weeks, my mom stayed at the house with, you know, and my brother would come and check on her at house, and she was doing really good at that time. But I had my dear friend Julie, she came over probably two times a week just to visit my mom. She would use the excuse of, I'm gonna walk your dogs, which was great. But then she would bring over McDonald's or just sit with my mom, call my mom up and say, Hey, do you need anything? And she would just sit there with her. Those are the gifts that just keep giving that you don't think of them very often, but when you do appreciate them and a thank you back to them, it just feels good to know that your team is a gift. Okay, here's the last one. And if you know me, I say this a lot, but the small moments of joy are truly gifts, and it's it goes beyond the holiday season. These are just all of the gifts that are just in front of your eyes that you don't take you don't really see. You don't take you take sometimes for granted. It could be the sunshine during your walk. Today it was like freezing cold, nine degrees outside, but I triple layered up and went for a walk with the dogs and came back and took all of my layers off, and then the sun came out and it was snowing at the same time. It was beautiful, it was a beautiful gift. Or the card that you get in the mail, whether it be a Christmas card or just a get well card or a thinking of you card, it's just nice to get something in your hands, or it could be Christmas lights on your tree and you're sitting down in the morning or the evening with a cup of coffee. Oh my gosh, that's like total relaxation for me. Last year when my mom was so depressed with my brother being sick and everybody getting sick. Um, as a matter of fact, we ended up getting influenza like a week after that. And so it was really hard because she felt even more alone. But I remember on Christmas Day going over and said, that's okay, mom, let's just go ahead and let's turn on some Christmas music. And she grabbed her Coke and I grabbed my coffee and we just sat and talked about the good old days. We talked for like an hour and a half about all of the Christmases we remembered and what we thought about and we giggled and we laughed. And I remember also on Christmas, I think it was Christmas Eve with my with my spouse because he had to be quarantined and we couldn't have a lot of family around. And so I said, well, let's go in the car and let's just drive around. And so we went ahead and went on like the local Facebook sites and said, who has the biggest Christmas show lights in the area? And we drove around and we looked at Christmas lights, and those were the small little moments. It didn't take a lot of effort, and we were able to go ahead and have somewhat of a good holiday, or you can kind of enjoy the small moments. They're all gifts. I believe whatever your situation is like right now, you can find gifts. I believe that. Embrace them and be grateful for whatever those gifts are. My challenge for you today is to open up to those little gifts you receive and take action on the gifts you receive. If it's if you're, for example, if you see the sunshine like I did today, take a moment and just let that goodness fill your heart and your mind in your soul. That's an action that you can take. Or if somebody sends you a beautiful card in the mail, definitely reach back out to them and saying, Thank you. Oh, I loved your card. It it just helped, it made my day. When you do those things, those gifts are going to go ahead and start filling your bank for lack of a term, and get rid of those negative thoughts or those worries or the sadness. My favorite gifts are the small but mighty ones. And I hope you find yours. So to end today, may your holiday be blessed with warm gifts, warm memories, happy thoughts, and amazing, amazing small gifts and moments of joy. So take care, my friend, and have a good holiday. I will be back here again next week on the 27th. And who knows, we might talk about some champagne and sparkly drinks or New Year's or whatever it would be. I don't have anything planned yet, but that'll maybe kind of give me some inspiration. But I will be back here like I always am every Tuesday. Take care, my friend, and happy holidays.