The Caregiver Cup Podcast

BONUS Episode: When You Feel Like You Have No Choice

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Season 1 • Episode 6

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This bonus episode is a little different… and a whole lot special.

Inside, we’re diving into three powerful pieces of the caregiving experience:

💌 1. Listener Stories That Will Make You Feel Seen

From practical self-care wins… to reimagining overwhelming roles… to color-coding calendars and using systems that save your sanity — you’ll hear real messages from caregivers just like you.
 Their honesty, their wisdom, their struggles, and their victories remind us that none of us are doing this alone.

💛 2. A Personal Update from My Own Caregiving Season

I open up about Denis’ recent inpatient stay, his GI GVHD diagnosis, the advocacy challenges we faced, the guilt of coming home at night instead of staying at the hospital… and the surprising moments that helped me refill my cup in the middle of it all — like handing out Halloween candy and simply allowing myself to be Cathy again for an hour.

☕ 3. A Pep Talk for the “I Have No Choice” Moments

You know the ones:
 Medication schedules. Wound care. Meals. All the tasks you can’t delegate or delete.

In this episode, I walk you through something every caregiver needs to hear:

Even when you can’t change the responsibility… you can change how you carry it.
Small systems, tiny efficiencies, real help from your people — these aren’t chores.
They’re lifelines that protect your energy and help you breathe again.

You’ll hear stories about bubble packs, care binders, alarms, delivery services… and the power of saying “yes” when people offer to help.

And because this episode airs during Thanksgiving week, we’ll also talk about the quiet moments of gratitude that hold us together — even in the hardest seasons.

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SPEAKER_00:

I'm Kathy Vandenhoovel and welcome to the Caregiver Cup Podcast. This season is called What's in Your Cup. It's all about self-discovery, the roles you're juggling, and your personal health as a caregiver. Together we'll explore how to refill, protect, and strengthen your cup. Because when you show up as your best self, you can be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthy you. I'm so glad you're here. Now let's get into today's episode. Well, hello, my friend, and welcome to another episode of the Caregiver Cup podcast. I today am calling this a bonus episode because I have a few things I wanted to kind of pull together that really fall into play what's in your cup. And it probably, I'm not saying it properly, but it it all kind of makes this all work and kind of puts it all together. First of all, some of your responses or um email responses or replies that I've been getting or those text messages, I'm gonna share caregivers' responses. And one of them might be yours, one of them might be another caregiver friend, and they are so impactful and worth hearing that I think it's important for us to continue to share. And I love sharing those. I'm gonna also give you some updates in my caregiving life because not nothing is ever easy. And I'm gonna share with you how I continue to continue to take those small steps to maintain the chaos, but also to go ahead and continue to remind myself that I have to fill my cup, and then I'm gonna put it all together with just some extra things that I wanted to share with you today. And so I'm gonna share a couple of um statements that kind of put a kind of a theme around what we're gonna talk about. And one of them is even when we can't change this caregiving responsibility, we can change how we carry it or how we go about doing it. And that's gonna be kind of a good thing to think about. And another one is you know, things might not always be easy, but we can make it easier. We can always find ways to simplify it. So those are kind of our themes and our ideas that we want to hold true. So without further ado, I'm going to go ahead and share some of those caregiver, I'm gonna call them stories or responses or text messages because I love hearing from you. I love hearing your texts or reading those texts, and I love you sharing your stories with me, your wins, even your challenges, because it really matters to me because we're walking this journey together. So let me share a couple of with you. You know, when I get those text messages, I don't know who they come from. All the the program that we use, um, it's I call it fan mail, and what all I can say is it captures the last four digits of your text, and so usually that's where your uh zip code or your area code is, and so that's where you purchased your phone or your number from. And this one I've never heard of, and I'm gonna probably sabotage the name Rensseller, R-E-N-S-S-E-L-A-E-R, New York. I've never heard of that city before, but I'm I'm thinking that Rensseller is um pretty pretty interesting. So I I've you know I've never been to New York either. So thank you, first of all, for submitting this. In this text message, this person said it was nice to hear someone say that massages and pedicures are great, but not always realistic. Your practical suggestions finally made sense. And I agree with you. So many caregivers feel this. We're told self-care is spa days, but it's it's real life, it's about simple daily moments like deep breaths or a walk or drinking your coffee while it's still hot. You know, can you kind of that theme? Each of us in our way is different. I like to think about that. We have to adjust our self-care to that season. Think about it. In chaotic seasons, we only have a few minutes. So breaths and focusing on our hydration and nutrition may be the only thing we can control. In easier seasons, we may have time to sit with ourselves and journal, walk and meet with a friend. So, really, thank you for going ahead and responding to the manicures and pedicures and the realistic piece. I want you to think about what season you're in and only focus on what I can do in that season, because you know what's best for you. And if it's really getting a nice hot shower in at the end of the day and saying your prayer, then that's what you have to do to go ahead and recharge. So thank you. The next message, I want to thank you, Kathy, from uh Massachusetts, because and I think it's Massachusetts, um MA, um, because you put your name in there. Kathy stated she's shared how attending a friend's mother's celebration of life filled her cup in an unexpected way by showing up for someone else with compassion. I love this, Kathy, because I love that that so much because sometimes the best way to refill your cup is through connection, giving support, not just receiving it. It's a reminder we can embrace each day and find gratitude in that. You have to look at those things that you're doing. And later in this episode, I'm going to share the simplicity of passing out candy during Halloween trick-or-treat time that refilled my cup, both doing the gesture and thinking about my mom, because that was in this in the moment, and I just took this sometimes, I don't want to say not so fun task and made it really fun. So the next one is from Maria in New York. Maria's been caring for her husband for over 12 years after his stroke. She said writing down what mattered most helped her see what to keep, what to delegate, and what to reimagine. Thank you for going ahead and sending this text message and sharing a little bit about your story, Maria. That's wisdom right there. Caregiving changes, and so we do what we do. Reimagining our roles is how we stay strong. And so I think we all have to be using Maria's little reminder that sometimes we have to see what we can keep doing, sometimes we have to see what we can delegate, and sometimes we have to look at what we can go ahead and reimagine or recreate or do differently. So I appreciate that, Maria. The next one is Michelle from Massachusetts. Um, Michelle cares for her sister and aunt. She's doing dual duty. She color-coded her calendar, uses grocery delivery, automates meds, and even used a time pill dispenser or a timed pill dispenser. Brilliant. I I this is exactly what we mean when we say you can't always change the task, but you can make it easier. So I think that's just a good example. What is a task that you have to do day in and day out? And just taking a step back and looking at it like Michelle did, maybe it you there's something that you can do to help you make that task more efficient, automate something, or make it simpler, whatever it would be, you have to go ahead and do. The next one is from Paula. Paula sent uh sent me a reply via an email. And Paula, if you're listening to this, it's we've been we've known each other for a long time. Paula is not, she's an international customer and an international caregiver. And Paula said that Emma Heming Willis can afford help, but we still have to cook, clean, drive, and care. And just a little bit of history on Paula. She has a group of friends that caregiving friends that she gathers together. And they were talking about the book. And they said, yeah, it's great for Emma to be able to have help with her caregiving, but some of us still have to cook and clean and drive and care, and we can't afford the extra help like Emma can. And I think, Paula, you're right. Many caregivers don't have the resources or support they need. That's why finding small ways to ease your load is so important. It's not about privilege and it's about permission. Each of us has a different journey and a different situation. But I want to challenge you to not just get caught up on what we can't do or what we can't afford. Instead, pull from examples of other caregivers that are utilizing what they have and what they have what they can do, and pull those ideas and inspiration together and really find what you can do in your situation. And so, yeah, if you get beyond the point that, you know, Emma is wealthy and she has has the resources and money to do it. If you can get beyond it and say, okay, that's a good example, doesn't fit me, but what can I do in my situation, then you can go ahead and and look at things. Maybe you have to look at ways to go ahead and simplify your cooking, especially on busy days. Or what can you do to, you know, to to work through the the driving in care, just like Michelle has has ideas of dual caregiving, or um Maria had ideas of ways that you know she's trying trying to think of ways where she can delegate or what she should keep and what she should try to reimagine. Again, it's a constant thing, but we have to look within our limits and see what we can do. Now, these are just a few, and I want to say keep them coming because I love getting your text messages and your email responses, because it not only does it go ahead and get me to think of new content for the Caregiver Cup podcast, it also gets me to grab those ones that I know could be impactful to you, the listener. So hearing from so many of you really does fill my heart. Your stories remind me we're all walking this path together, each of us trying to find balance and strength and peace of mind in the middle of this hard stuff. And honestly, as I read your messages, I found myself nodding along because I'm right there with you, my friend. Your words mirrored what I've been walking through lately. So let me take a few moments right now and pull back the curtain and share what's going on in my caregiving season and what it looks like right now. And uh, I didn't write, I usually script out all the things that I want to talk about, but when my personal update came on, I didn't feel comfortable just saying, okay, I'm just gonna write it out into paragraphs and read from it. I just want to tell you, it's been tough. It's been really tough. Uh Dennis was uh two weeks ago, um, he was admitted inpatient again at Frey Dirt Um hospital in Milwaukee. And what had happened is he became, he's had um, he's had intense diarrhea for for quite a while. And the diarrhea is finally just to the point where it was a lot, and he became dehydrated, his potassium levels were extremely low. Um, and I, after several attempts trying to work through this with the doctor, they said, bring him down to Milwaukee, which is a two-hour drive. Let's get him admitted. Um, and when he got to the hospital, it was 6:30 p.m. because I called in the afternoon, and the health team was excellent. They took quick action, um, got him on some IVs, got him um, you know, got him all situated, immediately gave him potassium. The doctor um hospice was there. She had said, you know, he previously had a colonoscopy about five days before that, and she said it looks like GI, gastrointestinal graph versus host disease. And so when I say GI G VHD, that's um gastrointestinal graph versus host disease, which means the body is responding to the stem cells, but it's attacking the intestinal area. And so they immediately then gave him a high dose of steroids. I spent the night there because we didn't get there until 6:30 p.m. And within 12 hours, he looked like terrible. I mean, gray, tons of weight, malnourished, that kind of thing. Within uh 12 hours, he was perky again and talking. Um, it wasn't easy. The guilt was heavy, and I felt so bad for him. And but you know what? Once he bounced back a little bit, I saw that Dennis was coming back. And so I stayed the night, went through um the we went through the multiple tests and all that kind of stuff, and once I knew he was stable uh that following day, late afternoon, I went back home because I didn't have enough of my clothes. I wanted a shower, that sort of thing. And at first I felt guilty, but he was in the best possible care. Um, and I had to make that hard decision again of do I take care of myself or do I continue to stay with him or find a hotel and I that every night. And I decided that once I knew he was stable and he could communicate with me, that sort of thing, I drove each and every day and spent eight hours with him and then drove home so that I could go ahead and recharge and really get a good night's sleep and go back. Um, and included in there was Halloween, and just like I said before, and when Kathy had said she attended her friend's mother celebration, it was interesting because I had all of this candy, and Halloween means something different to me now that my mom, one one of her last years on earth with me, came over to my house and passed out Halloween candy, and she had her her Halloween pumpkin sweater on, and her her socks were Halloween, and she had this little uh headband on with little, I don't know, little jingly things on the top, and she was saying happy Halloween to everybody, and she was talking to the kiddos, and there's something about the Halloween spirit and the reminder of my mom that recharges me. And so I came home and one of those days was Halloween, and I was exhausted because you know, the stress and the not eating properly and the drive and all that kind of stuff cave, but the Halloween recharged me, and I just kept looking at how those memories lit me up, and I had this new recharged feeling, and it it made me it made it all worth it, so it gave me strength for the to get a good night's sleep to go back the next day, and so kind of to make a long story short, he went in on a Wednesday evening. I stayed overnight Wednesday, went home on um Thursday about supper time, and then Friday and Saturday, I did the same thing, but he he was discharged on Sunday and with a different diet, uh steroids, which are just so yucky, but it's he has to heal, his gut has to heal, and he has to let the meds heal and the diet heal. And so we had to go. I had to learn what this diet was. I sat with a dietitian for an hour with him, figured out our menus, all that kind of stuff, and then had to learn what the struggles were going to be and how we were going to use the steroids and what that what that um plan looked like. And at the same time, um I we're we've been struggling with his doctor and trying to be a better advocate and trying to go ahead and get the gaps and inconsistencies learned. And so it's been kind of a struggle. I'll probably do a separate podcast on the struggles because the we're still working through his um the the inconsistencies and the challenges with his stem cell transplant team. But the good news is made it through another chaotic season. Dennis is home, we're feeling better, and hopefully we can go ahead and silence this graph versus host disease and find new routine, new root routines. So that's where I'm at, navigating the unknowings of this GVHD, learning new routines and trying to balance caregiving with simplicity and being human. These are the days I feel strong and steady, though, and others where I'm running on fumes. And that's just, I think you and I are feeling the same way. But what I what keeps coming back to me is the truth. I can't control every part of this journey, but I can choose how I move through it. And that's what I want to talk about next. And this is the three part those moments when it feels like there's no choice, when the responsibility is so heavy, it's so unstable. But even though there are small ways to make it easier, kind of like Maria had talked about, and ways to find little peace and structure or strength in the middle of the chaos. And so that's what this last part is about. It's when you feel like you have no choice. And there are seasons in caregiving when it feels like everything lands on your shoulders, and your shoulders feel so heavy, like medication schedules and meals and appointments, and wound care and laundry and the middle of the night monitoring and on and on and on. And you can't delegate it, you can't delete it, you just do it because someone someone has to, and that someone is you. Like for Dennis, someone had to bring him to the hospital, someone had to go ahead and be there to learn the graph versus hosting disease and the diet. Yeah, that's what I had to do. And if you're in one of those seasons right now, I see you. This isn't normal everyday stress. This is sometimes survival mode. It's this kind of season where your world feels small, your brain feels overloaded or fried, and the people around you don't fully understand the weight you're carrying. They don't. Nobody really understands unless they've been in your shoes like you and I. But here's what I want you to hear. Even in those I have no choice moments, I want you to hear you still have power. Not to erase the work, but to make the work work better for you. Let me say it again. You can't erase the work, but to make the work better for you. That starts with honesty. Honesty with yourself about what's realistic. Honesty about your capacity. Honesty that you can't always do it all. And that you will never you were never meant to do. And I right away, you know what pops into my head? You know, the honesty about your capacity. If Dennis stayed longer than he did, I couldn't have kept driving back and forth. I know I couldn't have, but because it was just a short-term fix, I knew that that's what I needed to do. But you have to figure out your you have to be honest with yourself, realistic, and what's what's your capacity and what you're meant to do. And once you get honest, something opens up and start you start noticing small places where things get easier, where the load can shift, even just a little. Let me share maybe an example or two. When I manage when I was managing my meds for my mom, and she couldn't keep track of them, which ended up she ended up in the hospital. I couldn't be there to hand her the drugs and record those every time because I was caring for my husband, I was working full time, and she wasn't living with us. It had to be done right though. So I had to figure out what was best and what could we do. And so the pharmacy then put them in bubble packs for my mom. And it was just she popped them out of the bubble pack and she took them, and I could look down and say, okay, Monday morning, she took them. And but it could be a simple daily chart, too. It could be a phone alarm, like Dennis now with his medication. He has a chart that sits on the countertop, and he has a routine where he gets this little pill, this little dish ready, and he knows after his morning walk he's going to have his morning pills, but his alarm also goes off at eight o'clock. So he doesn't forget them. And then do you have a way to alert you to refills? Is it a refill tracker that you put on your calendar on your phone? Or does the pharmacy send you an alert? What is that? You know, all of this structure then can give you peace of mind in the season that feels not so peaceful. So that's an example because you're always you can always make it easier. And if you don't know how to make it easier, talk to different people. Go to your pharmacy, talk to your doctor because you can make it easier. Another example is one I want every caregiver to hear. When Dennis was admitted again recently, I tapped into my family and friends circle because way back in April, I created this private Facebook group that only my family and friends know. I also have a private text message with just my immediate family. And this was huge because I've always been terrible at asking for help. Like terrible at it. I feel I I can do it all. I have this mindset. I think it's the firstborn child in me. So earlier this year, I told my told them in this private Facebook group that I'm not great at asking. So I need you to just say and offer something and or just say you're going to do it. And guess what? They did it again. And this time, when Dennis went into the hospital, they were jumping at it and asking what they can do. My neighbors next door raked my lawn because we it was fall season and it was snowing leaves at our house. So I came home one evening and all of my leaves were raked to the road. My friends covered the dogs. My sister stayed overnight on Wednesday night. Prayers were sent, group messages were sent, check-ins were done daily. The support showed up from places I didn't expect them to. Some of them checked in with Dennis. So instead of pushing it away like I used to do, I embraced it again. And sometimes making it easier isn't a system. Sometimes it is it's allowing people who love you to show up and drop things off at your house to say a prayer for you, to do a check-in with you. Sometimes this lifeline isn't a tool, it's a human being. So here's what I want you to take from this today. You might not be able to eliminate the hard task, but you can eliminate the chaos around you. You can choose the path that protects your energy the most. What could protect your energy the most? You can think about systemizing it. What can you automate? What can you simplify? You can share it, even just a tidbit information. And for me, I don't share it publicly on like Facebook or social media. I have this private group of friends that I hold close to my heart, and they get the information, and they check in if I don't I send anything out in day. Or they'll check in to see how I'm doing, and they're always there for me. You know, you got to think about it. You're not weak for wanting things to be easier. You're wise for looking for ways to make things sustainable. What is going to help you from a stress, a health, a relationship, a financial way, and on and on. Sustainability. So I want you to just I want to plant that seed with you today. So let me leave with this, my friend. If you're in a season where it feels like you have no choice, where the responsibilities feel heavy and the days feel long, I want you to hold on to this truth that I'm going to share with you. You might not be able to change what's on your plate, but you can change how you carry it. How you carry it. You get to choose how you automate, simplify, and release. You can choose automation, you can choose simplicity, or you can just let something go. And you get to choose to say yes when help shows up at your door. I think I heard that from Maria Shriver. Um, she had said, um, I think it was to Emma, and I think it was in Emma's book, that you know what? Uh Maria Shriver says, if somebody says, what can you do for you saying, I don't have time to think about what I need, just if you think you need to do something, just do it. And I'll thank you for it. Like if somebody loves to bake, or if somebody loves to cook, if somebody loves to go ahead and run errands, if they call you up and saying, I'm at, you know, the drugstore or I'm at the grocery store, what do you need right now? Tell them. Tell them. Your cup maybe feel feel heavy, but it's not empty. You just need to need you just need a smarter way to pour it. And that's the big thing. And since this episode is landing right around Thanksgiving, I want to gently offer this to you. Even in the hardest seasons, maybe especially in them, gratitude can be a quiet anchor. Even in the most chaotic times, what are you grateful for? For me, walking into the hospital and seeing the nurse that Dennis had in his first um in his stem cell transplant hospitalization in May and then in June was Alyssa, and she was yelling down the hall, Dennis, I didn't want to see you, but when I saw your name, I'm here to help you. And it it took this worry weight off my shoulders because she just took him under her wing and she got him where she needed to, or where he needed to be. So even in the hardest seasons, maybe especially in them, gratitude can be an anchor. Not the big one, the big performance gratitude, not pretending everything is okay, but the small, honest moments. And just think about today. For me, it was a warm cup of coffee, a kind text from a friend. For me in the hospital, it was the nurse who smiles at your loved one. It was a walk with the dogs when I had to go back and take that two-hour trek back. I walked the dogs in the morning. For you, it could be a breath you didn't know you needed. Getting into your car, having to go ahead and run another errand, or sitting down for two seconds, or hearing some bad news and you took that breath. I hope you find tiny pockets of gratitude this week, not as a way to ignore the hard stuff, but as a way to soften it. A daily practice, even. So that's what I have for you today. This three-part. If this episode spoke to you, I'd love to hear from you. You know I love. Hit that text message link in the show notes. Or I send out the email every Tuesday afternoon or whenever your time zone is on that Tuesday to remind you that there's an episode and I give you a little bit of a preview. Tell me the one thing you're reimagining this week, one small thing you're grateful for. I might even share some of your reflections again in a future episode. Until next week, my friend, take a deep breath, notice the little things, and remember, keep refilling your cup, even when it leaks a little. Bye for now. Well, thank you for listening to today's episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. And hey, commend yourself for taking this time today just for you. That's something worth celebrating. If you've enjoyed this episode, can I ask a favor of you? Hit that follow button or write a review, or better yet, send me a text. Hearing from you means the world to me. Remember, you are not alone. And here in season one, we're focusing on what's in your cup. So don't forget to refill it, protect it, and strengthen yours. Because when you show up as your best self, you could be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthier you. Until next time, my friend, take care of you.