The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Caregiver Guilt & Shame: Why You Feel ‘Not Enough’ (And How to Break the Cycle)

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Season 1 • Episode 7

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If you’ve ever ended your day thinking, “I should’ve done more,” this episode is for you, friend. 💛

 In Season 1, Episode 7 of What’s In Your Cup?, we’re diving into the emotional drainers that quietly empty your cup — guilt, shame, and the constant pressure to be “enough.”

Together, we’ll explore:
 ✨ The three types of caregiver guilt
 ✨ Why cultural, family, and personal expectations shape the way we show up
 ✨ How guilt turns into shame — and how to stop that spiral
 ✨ Real stories from Cathy’s caregiving journey
 ✨ Practical tools to release the pressure and refill your cup with grace

This isn’t about calling yourself out — it’s about calling yourself in.
Because you are doing the best you can with what you have.
And you deserve to feel enough, exactly as you are.

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SPEAKER_00:

I'm Kathy Vandenhoovel and welcome to the Caregiver Cup Podcast. This season is called What's in Your Cup. It's all about self-discovery, the roles you're juggling, and your personal health as a caregiver. Together we'll explore how to refill, protect, and strengthen your cup. Because when you show up as your best self, you can be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthy you. I'm so glad you're here. Now let's get into today's episode. Hello, my friend, and welcome to this episode number seven of season one. I can't believe how fast season one is going, but I wanted today dive into something every caregiver wrestles with, even if you don't always talk about it out loud. And that is shame and guilt. The pressure to always show up, the pressure to always be strong and be everything, the emotional drainers that quietly poke holes in your cup. Let me ask you this: have you ever ended your day thinking I should have done more? Or you felt guilty for taking even five minutes or 10 minutes to breathe. Or you feel ashamed to because you're feeling frustrated, resentful, or overwhelmed, and you're looking back at the day. Well, today we're pulling these feelings out of the shadows, not to judge them, but to understand them, to soften them and to loosen their the grip that they have on us. I like to say you are doing the best you can with the tools you have and in the season you're in. So I want you to just really, this is not an episode to beat yourself up. It's an it's an episode of awareness, but then we'll really get into some steps that are going to help you get through that guilt and shame. And to get there, we're first, we first have to name what we're actually carrying. And that's what I want to get into first. So let's dig a little bit deeper, my friend, because guilt and shame show up in caregiving in ways we sometimes don't even recognize. And I call these the three types so that we can go over them one at a time. The first one being the guilt of action. That's think about it when you you're like, for example, snapping because you're exhausted, or forgetting things because your brain is juggling 200 things at one time, or crying at something tiny. And we beat ourselves up for being human, even while carrying more than most people ever will have to carry. And so that's the action that guilt has. Or the second one being the guilt of inaction. This one was a big one for me. When Dennis first went in patient, I believed I needed to be there every single minute when he was going through his first stem cell transplant in 2022. Even, you know, every round when the doctor came for the inpatient visits, every update, every infusion, every hour of visiting time, I needed to be on top of every single thing in the hospital that happened. And that's so unrealistic. And but after a few days of living on fumes, I realized I couldn't sustain it. And even when he went to his stem cell transplant this year again, I kind of went in with that same, you know, Superman attitude, but not I couldn't sustain it for days. And then thinking now that back, it's like he was in for weeks, and then now looking at it, he's he's been in multiple months. So I remember Dennis and I talking about it and really talking about it. And with his blessing, we created a new rhythm for the first stem cell transplantation and for the second one. I wanted to be there in the morning for the rounds, the morning rounds, because he would see, you know, the the nurse, the the 7 p.m. nurse. I couldn't get there till eight o'clock, but the 7 p.m. nurse would come around eight between eight and eight: thirty to go ahead and take the vitals and talk about, you know, what what's in store for the morning. Then the physician's assistants would come in, the doctor would make their rounds, usually the physical therapists and the dietitians, or anybody that needed to visit, usually took their rounds probably between 9 and 11. So I wanted to be there in the morning. And then we agreed that we would lunch together. He would order his lunch, and I would either bring in lunch or go down to the cafe and bring it back. Then mid-afternoon, I took time for myself. I would leave between two and three o'clock, and that would be my time. Go for a walk, take a nap, uh, go sit down on the couch where we were living at Kathy's house and just watch TV. That helped me because when he was discharged to Kathy's house, where he stayed for multiple weeks, that was even more of pressure for me because I had to be on more. And when we when he got to Kathy's house, then one simple thing that we we talked about is do I really need to be at every follow-up visit, every single blood test, every single thing. If he was having really good days, could I drop him off? And then when he was done, he could text me and I could pick him back up. And we talked about it because I dropped him off like a rock star as like a celebrity and just dropped him off at the front door, and then I picked him up when he was done. And it was kind of nice because those were the extra walks and the extra things that he didn't have to take. So some days I would do that. But my friend, this is the hard part. The guilt was loud in my head. And it was funny too, because the nurses would ask where I was, or the, you know, and and that would be the guilt in my head that that would play out where they just wanted to know what was going on. Was I okay, that sort of thing. And then when I talked to the nurses in the hallway, I said, you know, Dennis and I agreed that I'd be there from eight until about two or three, and then I would go home. And if there was something else going on, I'd come back if there if he would have an issue. But that was my time. And they were like, this is so not good because we have we have caregivers that stay there from eight o'clock in the morning till eight o'clock at night. And they don't really get a decent dinner, they don't get a decent night's sleep because it's just, you know, like Groundhog's Day. But the guilt always hid it came in, and I hid it for a long time because I was afraid of being judged. I wouldn't tell people that I was going back and taking a nap. Sometimes I would just kind of sneak out versus I learned to go ahead and, you know, say that, hey, I'm going to leave today and go to the grocery store. And I made an appointment to go ahead and get my nails done, or I was going to go back and take a nap. Okay, so the first one's a guilt of action, the guilt of uh doing something for yourself or inaction of not being there. And the third one is the guilt of emotion. This one is the quietest one, but it's probably your heaviest one because it's mine. Your emotion is coming strong, like you're you're needing a break, you're missing out on your old life, you're feeling resentful and anger, you're enjoying something or you're in joy of something normal while your loved one suffers. You know, you you feel guilty if you do something normal, or you wish you could go ahead and do something, and then you kind of pull yourself back and saying, stop it. Stop feeling, you know, that way. But the guilt of emotion. And the biggest one that I can cut that comes to my head is when Dennis went for his recent inpatient hospital where he was dehydrated and he found out that he had GVHD. Um, I decided, still decided that I was going to come home at the end of the day, stay overnight and be back in the morning. And I came home because I wanted to hand out candy for Halloween. And I was laughing at something or or I was feeling guilty at first for coming home, but I my mom had done it for me, and it was something that meant so much to me, and it brings back happy joy because when my mom was in her last year of living, the very last year, she came over to my house and she passed out candy because she just found joy in that, and now I want to carry on this tradition. And I didn't want to go ahead and say anything to anybody that I wanted to go home and pass out candy, but my husband's in the hospital. And Dennis knew that there was more to just the Halloween passing out of candy, he knew that there was that memory close to my heart, and I really enjoyed it. And I was laughing and talking to the kiddos and the parents, and then I had TV going and I was laughing at the TV. But emotions don't make you a bad caregiver, whether it's positive emotion or negative emotion, they make you a human caregiver. If any of this hits home, please hear me. You are not the exception, you are the norm when you feel those guilty emotions or you feel the action emotions or the inaction emotions. Guilt is the price we think we have to pay to prove we care, but it's not. It's not the price we have to pay. And if guilt is the surface level feeling, the next layer runs even deeper. And I want to talk about that because we want to talk about the root causes. Now that we've named guilt and shame, let's talk about where the action where this actually comes from. Because guilt doesn't appear out of nowhere. It's rooted in our lives, it may be rooted in our upbringings or our beliefs. And you want to think about it when you feel guilty, when you feel shame, I want you to think about the section I'm going to talk about, and that's the root cause. For me, I'm the oldest in my family. I'm the oldest of three kiddos, and or three, uh, my I have a younger brother and a younger sister. And I think that a lot of that comes from from being the oldest. I I I took the lead on everything. My brother and sister always laugh because if we go out for breakfast, I have to call and make the reservations and all of that kind of stuff. I have that. Or maybe for for me too, I'm a people pleaser or an approval seeker. And I'm not doing my therapy today, but that's kind of my root cause. My internal story was simple. Be the good daughter, be the responsible one, and hold it all together. I never saw another model. I never saw anybody do healthy boundaries or no boundaries. Um, I never saw anybody caregiving. I never saw people resting. As a matter of fact, my mom would all always say, you don't need a nap. Keep going, you know. So when caregiving hit my life, I defaulted to doing it all. Now, another root cause, though, may be um uh culture or religious. Some of us grew up hearing we don't ask for help, we take care of our own. You should be grateful you get to do this. Or I hear sometimes Dennis is so lucky to have you. Or self-sacrifice is noble. And I was a I I was I was brought up Catholic. And, you know, when you went ahead and volunteered or get service somebody, that's what you that you were brought up to do. And these are well-intentioned values, but I like to think of them as well-intentioned values can become cages. We can feel caged. And but another root cause or another cause of our shame and guilt could be what's what's around you, where you live, maybe, how many resources you have, who's there to help or or not to help. And so simply, sometimes guilt is simply geography. And that's it. I'm I'm a Midwestern um Wisconsin gal, you know, in the heart of a family, very family culture, and you are expected to do that. Now, I know some religions require that the spouse is the responsible person to take care of them, especially the woman's spouse. And you are to do that. Listen to the wedding vows, if you were married, for better or for worth, worse, sickness and health. You know, you think about it, and those are the the the well-intentioned values, but they can become cages. Another cause could be comparison. We compare ourselves to who we used to be. You know, I used to be able to do all of this, or maybe you were one that you saw your your mom take care of your par grandparents. The caregiver we think we should be, maybe is a comparison. Or maybe you look at other caregivers. You and I shouldn't compare ourselves to each other. We all have our own unique way of caregiving, and we know what's good and what's not good for ourselves. We can't even compare ourselves to the celebrity caregivers who have the money and the teams and the support, but we can learn from them and tweak it the way we need to. It goes and hits hits home. And I know I did this in the last episode. I talked about Paula's email message that I received, and she talked about Emma Heming Willis or Bruce Willis's wife, said, it bet she, you know, Paula said she can't afford help, like um Emma Heming Willis said. But we can still cook, we can still clean, we can still shower, we can still drive in care. But where can we find the help? We can't compare ourselves to other people. And especially when our loved ones' conditions are unique, our family history is unique, our relationships are unique. Now, another cause could be a myth, or you know, I like to think about it as our beliefs. Good caregivers don't have needs, might be a disbelief or a myth that we have. This one is everywhere, but guilt is not truth, it's a signal. And I like to think about it. If you're feeling guilt and shame, your body is signaling something to you. It tells you what matters, not that you're failing. And Brene Brown said it really well. She said, shame grows in silence, compassion grows in light. And we need to think about self-compassion and how we can grow in light and think about when it's quiet, why are we feeling the shame and the guilt? And speaking of shame, it did it deserves its own moment and it does. And so let's understand shame and let's pause and separate guilt from shame because I did something wrong is guilt. We're telling ourselves I did something wrong and we're feeling guilty for it. Having that extra cookie, and we're feeling guilty for it. Um, I snap at, you know, my loved one. I'm feeling guilty for it. But shame is telling you I am something wrong, not did. Guilt is the action, shame is how we feel and what we're telling ourselves. And caregivers fall into shame so fast. And I am so I'm I I fall into shame fast myself. I grew up needing approval. I didn't want to disappoint my parents ever. I wanted to be that caring daughter, firstborn daughter. I wanted to show people that I was the caring wife and the the best mom ever. And the one who always showed up, the one who did it all. And I wanted that. But that perfect caregiving image, that perfect mom image, that perfect daughter image, for sure, from a caregiving perspective perspective, it broke me. It broke me. And I know that you can probably feel the same way. If you put yourself up on this highest expectation pedestal of being perfect, it's going to break you. For me, it was working full-time, caring for my mom and dad in their seasons, managing Dennis's health and being an advocate and caregiving for him. And then I think about it when my dad had passed, I spent Sundays doing with my mom, doing bills, doing errands, doing tasks, being the entertainer. I think back I had zero days to myself because when I think about it, Monday through Friday, I worked. I did appointments with my mom and dentists. You know, I worked all of that. On Saturdays was my day of like getting everything back into order in the house and cleaning. I would go ahead and work my part-time um business. Right now it's caregiving, um, this caregiving podcast. But before that, I was doing some sales jobs part-time and doing all of that. And then on Sunday, I was dedicated to my mom. So I had zero days to myself. And when I finally got really sick, and there were days that I just couldn't function, and I told my mom I couldn't come over on a Sunday. She, I could hear the disappointment in her voice, and she was crushed. And sometimes my mom made me feel guilty by the words that she said, or I heard her emotions, and then I felt guilty, and then I shamed myself. She would say, Maybe caregiving is too much for you, and I would deny it. I would deny it. And instead, I'd tell her, Oh no, it's a lie. I just got a flu bug and that it's been going around at work. When I knew deep in my mind, I was burning out, but I didn't want to tell my mom that. So let's talk about the symptoms of caregiver shame. You know, the first one, feeling like you're failing, believing someone else could do it better. Control freak Kathy, yes. Or overapologizing, or better yet, lying to my mom to tell her that I was burnt out. Hiding your feelings. How many times do you just want to go ahead and blow up and you force yourself to be in a good mood, or you feel like you're gonna cry at the drop of the pin because you are so tired and you hide those feelings? Sometimes we have to, but think about that. That's a symptom of caregiver shame. Expecting yourself to be superhuman and beating yourself up for being tired. Those are just a few symptoms of shame. None of these mean something is wrong with you. It means something is wrong with the load you're carrying. You're human. You cannot shame yourself into being a better cute caregiver, but you can love yourself into being a healthier one. A healthier one. And having those conversations, having those time frames where you need to recharge, asking for help, that kind of thing. So let's talk about how to actually shift this gently, realistically, and compassionately. So it doesn't overburden you. And I have tools to shift your guilt and shame. And and you're not enough thinking. So, first of all, the number one tool is to pause and ask. And I even think it's embracing that. You need to celebrate the fact that you are pausing before guilt snowballs. Pause and ask yourself, is this guilt true? Is it a story I'm telling myself? What would I tell a friend in the same moment if they told me about their guilt or the story that they were telling yourself? When I left the hospital mid-afternoon, my guilt screamed. But the truth, I'd never tell a caregiver friend to stay 12 hours a day. First of all, you don't do anything. You sit there and you try to entertain your loved one. I mean, obviously there would be times where you needed to if it was critical or there was something that was necessary, but really your loved one can go ahead and rest. Your loved one can go ahead and watch TV. The nurses are there for Dennis. Dennis actually would walk more when I wasn't there. So the number two tool. Number two is re replace should with could. Should means pressure. I should do this. Could means a choice. For example, I should stay all day. I could, but is it healthy for me? It wasn't. I mean, first of all, sitting there watching TV. And sometimes I'd be on my phone and just let Dennis just kind of watch TV anyway. I should handle every appointment. Or I could better is but it's there. Is there a better way? I could, but is there a better way? You know, like when I would drop him off when he would just get labs, and then they would have to check to see if he needed any potassium or he needed blood or if he needed, you know, just Ivy fluids. Well, that could take two to three hours. So pulling up and having the attitude, like, okay, I'm dropping you off like a rock star and I'll pick you up like a rock star. We found that so fun, and and he couldn't, you know, wait because he didn't have to, you know, go through the parking ramps and all of that kind of stuff. So this helped me taper during Dennis's daily checks after his transplant. So one is pause and ask, two is replace your should with your could and really challenge yourself. Number three is the three breath reset. Anywhere, anytime. I want you to drop your shoulders, soften your jaw, and whisper an intention when you're feeling guilty. Say, I am doing the best I can. I snap today. I I'll apologize tomorrow. I'm doing the best I can. Or I forgot to pick up the prescriptions and now I have to drive back and get them. You know, I should have remembered. No, I just forgot because my plate is overloaded. I'm doing the best I can. Number four is give yourself permission. You have permission to rest. This is one caregiver to another. Life is stressful and we need the rest. You have permission for me, for example, to leave the hospital early, to you know, to go for a walk where your loved ones getting their lab work done. You have the permission to say no. You have the permission to ask for help. You have the permission to enjoy joy and have a night of laughter or go with a friend. You have the permission to be human. I want you to fill in that blank. You have permission to do what? Number five is the 80-20 caregiving rule. Think about 20% that drains you, and 80% you're doing beautiful. Celebrate the 80% that you're doing well. The 80% that you're doing. When you look at that one mistake that you made today, or that one outburst, or that one emotional thing that you did, think about all the other good that you're doing. I want you to focus on the 80% and stop punishing yourself and consuming the 20%. I know it's harder to say or it's harder to do than say, but we have to remember that. Number six is borrow grace from somebody else. When your voice is harsh, use someone else's voice. You can use mine. You can talk to a friend, you can have a Q word that you say to a friend, I need you to tell me that I'm doing a good job today. What would your future self say to your to you? What would future me say? And maybe it's journaling that out and writing those good words, and then whenever you need it, you flag that page in your journal and you open it back up. For me, what would my friend say to me? What would my sister say to me? What would I tell a friend if they were in my shoes? And when Dennis was admitted again, I finally asked for help. And I allowed the help without the guilt because I felt guilty for people helping me. I still do. And I have to remember that they want to help. My neighbors raked my lawn. My friends took care of the dog. My sister stayed overnight without even skipping a beat. I had friends checking in on me. Sometimes making it easier is letting love in. People I'll ask you what they can do for help, and you can say, yeah, this is what I need, or you don't even have to ask. I'll welcome your help. You have to do that. Let's take a breath and bring this home with reflection and hope now. So let me just we went through the steps. Again, the steps are pause and ask, replace should with could, the three breath reset, give yourself permission, the 80-20 caregiving rule, and borrow grace from somebody else and welcome help. I talked about journaling. This is a great way if you're looking, if you're struggling right now with guilt and shame and it's poking holes in your cup, and you need to replace this. Write three things you're doing well right now. And only one and write one thing your body and mind is asking for. You don't have to fix everything. Just noticing the leaks is the beginning of healing. Because it's so easy to just journal out all the things you did wrong. But it's harder to say, what am I doing well? And you need to focus on what are you doing well with your loved one? What are you doing well with yourself? Because if you just started saying, you know what, I'm going to bed a half hour earlier every night, that's a win. If I am walking three days a week, that's a win. If I set a healthy boundary, those are things you're doing well. If I sat with my mom and we watched a Christmas movie together, I spent quality time with her. I did well. So let me close here today with some clarity and and really some honesty. I want you to know you are enough, my friend. Even on those, even on those days that you doubt yourself. You are allowed to be human and not perfect. And boy, am I preaching to myself here too. Your worth is not measured by perfection. It's measured by love. And you are caregiving because you love that person and you're giving of yourself, but you also have to be human and you also have to tell yourself you are enough. You're not superhuman. You're human. You have walked through chapters most people could not survive. And I even say it day in and day out: nobody really understands us as caregivers until they're in it and they're in the thick of it. You have shown up with courage, even when guilt told you otherwise. Maybe you've had that hard discussion with your loved one and you had to be stern and strict. Think about when I had to tell my mom she couldn't drive anymore. She called me sheriff. She told me she hated me, but I know she didn't. But her safety was more important than than you know than her words. Her safety was more important. Guilt may visit you, but it does not get to live in you. So when that guilt bug comes in, recognize it, ask the questions, and let it go. Like a duck that has the water going off its back. You deserve grace, you deserve rest, you deserve support, you deserve a caregiving rhythm that keeps your cup full too, or keeps refilling your cup. So I want you to do me a favor. If you found this episode helpful, I want you to text me. There's a text link in the in the uh podcast notes underneath the episode notes. And even if you want to go even further, text me one guilt you've ready to release this week. What guilt do you want to let go of? That will help me and I'll share it with everybody either next week or as I wrap up season one. And just a preview next week in episode eight, we're talking about asking for what you need and why that might be the most important skill you will ever learn or continue to learn is asking for help. So let me just give you one final word of encouragement here. Take a deep breath, my friend. I want you to put your hand on your heart right now and remind yourself I'm doing the best I can. And that is enough. It has always been enough. Until next, my friend, you continue to keep filling your cup and keep learning this crazy caregiving life and become the best caregiver that you can be. Bye for now. Well, thank you for listening to today's episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. And hey, commend yourself for taking this time today just for you. That's something worth celebrating. If you've enjoyed this episode, can I ask a favor of you? Hit that follow button or write a review or better yet, send me a text. Hearing from you means the world to me. Remember, you are not alone. And here in season one, we're focusing on what's in your cup. So don't forget to refill it, protect it, and strengthen yours. Because when you show up as your best self, you can be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthier you. Until next time, my friend, take care of you.