The Caregiver Cup Podcast

Caregiver Needs: How to Know What You Need (and How to Finally Ask for Help)

• Cathy VandenHeuvel • Season 1 • Episode 8

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If you’ve ever said “I’m fine” while your heart was quietly breaking… this episode is for you.

Caregivers are experts at showing up for everyone else, but when it comes to identifying our own needs — let alone asking for help — it can feel impossible.
Maybe you’ve ignored your body’s whispers for too long.
Maybe guilt and shame tell you to keep pushing.
Maybe you don’t even remember what you need anymore.

In this episode, we slow everything down and walk through a gentle, guided self-inventory so you can finally hear yourself again. We look at your physical, emotional, mental, and soul needs, and help you name what’s been buried under the weight of caregiving.

You’ll learn:
 💛 why it feels so hard to ask for help — and why it’s not your fault
 💛 how to identify what you truly need (not what you “should” need)
 💛 simple, doable ways to ask for support without guilt or apology
 💛 how to shift the fear stories that tell you you’re “too much” or “a burden”
 💛 what to do when someone says, “Let me know if you need anything”
 💛 the truth: your needs don’t make you selfish — they make you human

This episode is your reminder that:
 ✨ You’re allowed to have needs.
 ✨ You’re allowed to ask for help.
 ✨ You deserve support just as much as you give it.

Take a breath, grab your journal (or just your earbuds), and let’s walk through this together.
 Because caring for yourself isn’t extra — it’s essential to keeping your cup full.

Support the show

SPEAKER_00:

I'm Kathy Vandenhoovel and welcome to the Caregiver Cup Podcast. This season is called What's in Your Cup. It's all about self-discovery, the roles you're juggling, and your personal health as a caregiver. Together we'll explore how to refill, protect, and strengthen your cup. Because when you show up as your best self, you can be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthy you. I'm so glad you're here. Now let's get into today's episode. Well, hello, my friend. It's Kathy here. And before we get into today's episode, I want to start with something raw. Something many caregivers feel but rarely say out loud. You know, those posts we see on social media, the ones where caregivers write, I'm done, or they write, I can't do this anymore, or they say, I feel invisible, or I don't even know who I am anymore. Have you said that? I've read those posts and I feel them because I've been there too. There was a moment in one of my hardest caregiving seasons that still takes my breath away when I think about it. Someone asked me a simple question. They asked me, Kathy, how are you really doing? And I broke. I didn't just tear up. I sobbed that deep, uncontrollable, chest-shaking sobs, the kinds that you've been holding back for months. My son was the one sitting across from me. Actually, he was sitting across he wasn't sitting across from me. He was on the phone with me. He didn't interrupt me. He didn't try to fix it. He just let me cry. And that was when Dennis was admitted twice into the hospital. I was sitting in a waiting room at Kathy's house or kind of a sitting area. And he really just asked me, How are you doing, mom? And then in the gentlest voice, he said, Mom, you're not fine. You need to look at yourself. What do you really need? And friend, I couldn't answer him. I was just really appreciative of him listening because I didn't know what was wrong with me. I didn't know how to answer him. I had been so busy caring for Dennis and the house and the dogs and making sure I was doing the advocating correctly, that I'd forgotten how to even identify my own needs. That moment changed. It changed me. Today's episode is born from that moment. Because if no one has asked you lately what you need, I want to be the one who asks you that. So today we're slowly going to talk about and break everything down. We're taking inventory of your needs, your physical needs, your emotional needs, your mental needs, and the soul heart needs of you. And we're talking about how to actually ask for support that you deserve. Because knowing what you need is step one. Asking for it, that's the courage, the courageous step that protects your cup. So some questions that you want to think about is when's the last time you truly stopped and asked yourself what you need. What's the when's the last time you answered honestly that question? And how long have you been saying, I'm fine, when your heart is screaming otherwise? I'm fine. I'm fine. But you know deep in your heart you're not fine. Your needs don't make your you a burden, they make you human. Let me say that again. Your needs don't make you a burden, they make you human. They make you human. Before we talk about asking for what we need, we have to name something important. Most caregivers don't actually know what they need. Have you thought about that? What you need. And it's not because we're disconnected or dramatic or too emotional. It's because we've spent so long caregiving and caring for someone else that we've stopped checking in with ourselves. Think all the way back. You know, would you I think all the way back to when I was even in my teens, I babysat. I as I grew, you know, you I became a mom. I took care of you know my children. And then as your kids get older, you're managing the house and you're taking care of everything else. And then you you're a caregiver. Why, why? Let's do a reality check of why. Here are a few caregivers lose touch of what their needs or or they lose touch of what they their own needs are. You know, I call this section here that I want to talk about your go-to mode or your go mode all the time. When you're in constant problem-solving mode, or constant meds and meals and appointments and symptoms and schedules, your brain gets trained to scan for the need their needs, your loved ones' needs, your family needs, the house needs, the scheduling needs, and you forget about yours, not yours. You don't pause, you don't breathe, you don't check in, you just keep going. Caregiver brains are wired for survival. If you think about it, survival, not self-reflection. And if we do self-reflect, it's very, very, you know, uncommon. You can say, I'm fine while your heart is cracking. You can say, I'm fine when you're holding your breath. You can say, I'm fine while you're exhausted and running on fumes. And I think it's sometimes easier just to say, I'm fine, and not address what's really going on with you. Many caregivers don't even realize how much they're holding until someone catches them off guard or something really bad happens. But I think about catches me off guard was Mark. I I called him because I didn't really think Dennis was gonna make it. Didn't think his dad was going to make it, or I was going to have to make some really, really tough decisions. And everything in life felt like it was just falling. And when Mark caught me off guard and asked me, you know, mom, what are you, what do you need? It caught me off guard. Somewhere along the way, we've learned this story. You know, we we've learned this. If I put myself first, I'm selfish. We talked about that last episode. If I ask for help, I'm weak. If I break, and uh or if I take a break, I'm abandoning my loved one. None of these are true, but those beliefs run deep inside of us and they block us from admitting we need support, we need a break, we need to take a deep breath. Caregiving can go so can get so overwhelming that you stop giving yourself permission to feel. You stop giving your permit yourself permission to be tired and feel lonely, feel scared, feel resentful, sad, or even relieved. When you bury your emotions long enough, you forget how to name them. Yeah, you do. When every day feels like a crisis, you stop planning, you stop dreaming, you stop imagining life outside of the stress. You shift to just get through the day. But the mindset blocks you from asking deeper questions like, what do I need to function today? I even think these emotions stop us from realizing that there's moments of joy inside of the day. We just go into this go mode and we forget about all of our feelings. We forget about what we're thinking and just kind of sweep it. It reminds me of when I used to, I used to long, long time ago, I used to love uh waitressing. I used to waitress at many places. One of my one of my places it was called Big Boy. And I loved waitressing because I would get high off of the rush. When it was rush hour, you just go and you go and you go and you go and you go, and you never felt your back or you never felt your feet, you never felt, you know, anything. You just went and you forget about it. And I kind of can kind of relate that way. But for years, let me go back to this. For years, this was me. I would just go, go, go, and not feel. I didn't want to let my mom down. I didn't want to let Dennis down. I didn't want to let down anyone who looked at me as this as the strong one. You know, I used to work full-time and run my part-time sales business and caregive for my dad and Dennis and my mom. So I kept everything inside. I did everything myself. I carried the weight quietly because I didn't want to be the reason someone else felt stressed. I wanted to take that burden off of them. And friend, I know many of you do the same thing. You just take it on and you figure out a way. And it's remarkable that we can do that, but at what cost? So if you're listening and thinking, I don't even know what I need, Kathy. I want you to take a deep breath. Take a deep breath today. There is nothing wrong with you. You're not broken, you're not selfish, you're not dramatic, you've been surviving. Now it's time to shift back into living. And you can be in that state and be a caregiver. And that's why this episode matters because identifying your needs isn't selfish. It's how you stay whole in a season that's constantly pulling pieces of you away. So, so next, we're gonna talk through and talk, we're gonna walk through the four categories of caregiver needs. And I'm gonna break them into four: physical, emotional, mental, and soul. So you can finally hear yourself again. And I think this is gonna help you. So before we walk through the inventory together, I want to pause and say something really important, especially after last week's episode on guilt and shame. This is not another checklist to check off to measure yourself against. This is not a test to see if you fail or you succeed. This is not about being the perfect caregiver. This is simply a moment for you to hear yourself. And maybe you do it during this episode, maybe you take a pause afterwards and you take a walk or you journal. But maybe for the first time in a long time, you can go ahead and hear yourself. And if guilt and shame tries to creep in, remind yourself identifying your needs isn't selfish. It's survival, it's strength, it's how you stay whole when caregiving keeps pulling your pieces away. So let's walk through this together slowly, softly, and honestly. Put a hand on your heart if it helps. Take a deep breath and just notice what's rising up, what's bubbling up. Because we're going to talk about physical first. Let's start with the body because it always tells us the truth, even when we're trying to push it past it. What is, like I said, with with the one I can relate to is when I was waitressing, I didn't feel my my feet or my legs until it got quiet. But eventually they started screaming at me. What is your body telling you or trying to tell you? Are you tired? Is it wired? Are you feeling tight? Are things heavy and you're feeling it in your chest or your back? Or are you feeling overstimulated and you can't focus in on anything? Are you running on adrenaline? Where am I physically depleted? Ask yourself that. Are you depleted? Maybe it's sleep, maybe it's meals, maybe it's hydration, maybe it's sitting too much, maybe it's rushing too much. What would help me feel even 10% better? Would it be a walk? Would it be a nap? Would it be a long shower? Would it be stretching? Would it be drinking a full glass of water right now? Or would it be a warm meal? Your body whispers long before it screams. We've talked about this, but I want to bring it back again. And if you can honor those whispers, even in small ways, you can prevent the cat the crash, the crash that happens. I'm gonna just take a sip of water myself since we're talking about it. Now let's talk about emotions, the part we often tuck away so we can keep going. Your feelings. What feelings am I stuffing down or am I sweeping under the rug? Fear, loneliness, anger, grief, overwhelm, resentment, hope. And think about when these pop up. Because some of these feelings might not pop up all the time, they might pop up in certain situations. Where do I need relief or comfort? Do you really need a good cry right now? Do you need a hug? Do you need peace and quiet? Do you need someone to talk to or someone just to listen? What feels safe to you to talk? You know, what feels safe for you to talk to? Someone to talk to? Maybe a think about the person you can talk to. Is it a friend that's a good listener that won't go ahead and and you like somebody that's just gonna listen? A therapist, another caregiver, a sibling, or a support group? Who could listen? Now I'm gonna give you some supportive language to think about here, and your emotions don't make you weak. They make you human. And sometimes acknowledging them is the relief. Or somebody to just say to you, you have every right to feel this way. I I can't even imagine how hard this is. Let me give you a hug. That sort of thing. You need to cry. Now, the let's talk about the mental. This category often gets overlooked because we get so used to judging everything. Where am I overwhelmed right now? This is the mental and logical things. Is it the meds, you know, that you're putting in in having to go to the pharmacy and having to keep track of? Is it all the appointments that you have to go through and not necessarily just going to the appointment, the stress and the advocacy and and the work that it may take you to get there? I usually feel exhausted after appointments. Or is it all the paperwork? I am still dealing with Dennis's the and just a sidebar, but it's it's months and months. I'm appealing all of his claims because the insurance isn't honoring his policy. And um we've we had a balance of$15,000, and I appealed up hundreds and hundreds of them, and now we're down to about$6,700 and still appealing those. It's endless. Or for you, it might be the hard decisions or the endless decisions that you have to make to go ahead and maybe it's the safety decisions that you have to make for your loved one, or it's the decisions of what's important and prioritize, or who can help? Another thing is what feels chaotic that could be simplified after you identify you know your feelings during chaos. Now ask yourself: is it the schedule that I'm trying to keep? Is it the systems that are not working? Is it the everyday routines and every day the routine is just a lot? Or is it the hard conversations or the lack of conversations? Another thing is to ask is there one task that I could hand off or automate? Groceries, deliveries, medicine refills, scheduling, house tasks, baths, help, whatever it would be. There is zero shame in making caregiving easier. As a matter of fact, I think that if you can find one little thing to make caregiving easier, it's a win. Easier doesn't mean you care less, it means you're protecting your energy so you can keep caring well and really think about it. You're spending quality time with your loved one and giving yourself quality time. Okay, let's go to the fourth one, which is the soul and your identity need, how you feel like you or what helps you feel like you. This one is tender because many caregivers lose pieces in themselves along the way. Have you said that? I don't feel my like myself anymore. People don't see, I'll use myself Kathy anymore. They see Caregiver Kathy. Here's some things to ask yourself. Where am I feeling lost or disconnected? Where do I feel lost? What small thing still brings me joy even in this season? For me, it's a coffee on the porch. Maybe it's music in the summer and spring, it's gardening. Is it sitting with your journal? Is it going to mass? Is it a walk for me? A walk with the dogs? What is the small things that bring you joy? What? And then another question is what part of myself needs tending or rekindling? Or as Hodakotby would say, repotting. The creative part, maybe. Is there a creative part that you've not been able to do? Maybe you love to paint, or maybe you love to play a musical instrument and you haven't been able to do that lately. Maybe it's you need to rekindle your spiritual part. And maybe you go ahead and find a different way to rekindle that spiritual part. Maybe it's you volunteer, maybe it's finding a mass that you go to, maybe it's you know, uh a prayer time that you devote to yourself. Maybe it's the playful part and you love the playful part and you love to have fun. If you remember, I used to bowl all the time. I pulled my calf muscle, so this year I'm taking a break, but um, or my groin, whatever it is. But anyway, maybe that's the part that you um want to rekindle. Maybe it's finding, maybe it's two times a month that you go, and for example, you go and play bingo with your girlfriends. I don't know. Maybe it's something like that, or maybe it's the curious part and you're missing that piece again. And maybe you go ahead and take a class. Maybe you go take a class in on a subject that you are interested in, and you devote time for that class, even in the midst of it, it'll keep your mind fresh and and keep you off that that um chaotic part of your life for just a moment. Your soul needs care too. Feel your heart. What does your soul need? Not just body, but and not just your checklist. And you need to attend to your identity because it's part of how you stay whole, you know. So that I think for me, when I found the podcast, it brought out some extra life in me. I was able to talk about it, but I also had to learn how to podcast, I had to learn how to use all the equipment. I had to go ahead and figure out how to create an outline and what to talk about and all of that kind of stuff. And it just brings me this piece of of my soul that lights up when I do that. So, what I want you to do right now, or after this episode, is take a breath. Put your hand on your heart for a moment, and just notice what needs to what needs to rise from the surface for you, or what's rising from the surface right now. That's your starting point. Don't get overwhelmed with all four categories. Pick one. What is the piece? If you're just exhausted, that's the feeling. Kind of look through the feeling and kind of explore why why you're feeling this way, what the feeling uh is, embrace it, and then look at the logistics to say, is there anything I can do? What's something simple that I could do or take away? That's your starting point. Not everything at once, and the one thing your body or your heart whispers the loudest, what is that right now for you? Is it is it something that you haven't been able to do for a long time and you just miss it because that lights you up, that gives you a little bit of spark, and you gave it up with good intention, but you realize you need to go ahead and bring it back or bring some form of it back. Now, once you know what you need, I again I want you to celebrate it, embrace it. The next step is the courageous one, the step most caregivers struggle with, and that is asking yourself for it. And that's exactly where we're headed right now. Now that you take an inventory of what you truly need physically, emotionally, mentally, and soulfully, there's one step left, and this is the step that most of us struggle with. And like I said, asking for it, not hinting, not hoping someone notices, not waiting until you hit the wall, actually asking and figuring out how to get it done. And I get where it's so hard right now. For years I avoided asking. I didn't want to be a burden or disappoint someone or admit I couldn't do it all. But here's the truth getting help isn't a weakness, it's wisdom. You are being a better caregiver when you ask for help. So let's talk about how to make this easier. And I don't want you to get caught up on saying nobody's there to help, because help is it doesn't necessarily have to be a person, it can be a system, it can be a change in schedule, whatever. For so let's start small. You don't have to start by asking someone to take over full caregiving responsibilities. Start with small, doable asks, the ones that lighten your load just a bit. And I'll let me give you some examples. Somebody, maybe you you're noticing that you need something from the store, like milk or something. You know that your siblings or a neighbor or somebody may go for milk. Can you pick up milk today on your way home? It's small, clearable, doable. When you give somebody specifics, it's a lot easier than just saying, you know, I could use some help. Because they may say, okay, what kind of help? But if you can say something simple like that. For my brother, I said, I really am having a hard time getting off on Friday mornings, and mom has her haircuts on Friday mornings. Could you take mom for her haircut appointments on Fridays or identify what Fridays work for you? He was fine with that. Maybe it's can you sit with mom for an hour? Can you sit with dad for an hour? You could share back when I was um, or I could share, like back when I was caregiving for mom while working full time. Like I said, I asked my brother for hair appointments. But if he she if she didn't have a hair appointment, I would still say, can you come and sit with mom for an hour? It's small. It gave me breathing room. Can you check in with me later today? Might be something as well. Because they might say, Hey, just let me know what I can do to help. Tell them. Give them saying, I'm really overwhelmed right now. I'm trying to absorb where we're at because maybe it's something major. And ask them, can you check in with me later today? Can you check in with me tomorrow morning? And that gives you time to think about it. This one matters because caregiving is unpredictable. And a simple text can feel like a lifeline. And so it might be something simple. And you could do that, especially with the holidays coming up. Maybe you need something specific, and they can go ahead and either run and do something, help you with a decoration or whatever it would be. You don't have to start with a big ask. And I I would bet any money, most of us don't want to go ahead and burden somebody with a big ass, but start with something simple, possible that they could do. The one that feels safe, the one your nervous system can handle. You know, small support counts. It really does. And we talked a little bit about it already, but I want to just state the second step. The first step is really start small. The second step is being clear and not apologetic. This is where many caregivers get stuck. We start by saying, I'm sorry to ask. They you do, hey, but why are we apologizing already? I feel terrible asking. No, people want to help. And if they say no, that's fine. They they may have something else. And I want you to hear this gently but clearly. Asking for help is not bothering somebody. It's not a burden. It's not a failure. So instead of apologizing, try being clear and honest about what you can help, what they could help with. I really need help right now. That might be something you start out with. Can you take care of this on Tuesday for me? You know, maybe it's like picking up a pharmacy order, or, you know, maybe it's, you know, being with mom while the nurse comes over, you know, whatever it would be. I need someone to pick up the prescription. Can you do that today for me? I could really use your help with dinner this week. Can you take Wednesday? Especially if you're in a family and everybody is busy, maybe if if everybody takes a shift. Explain the why if it feels right for you. You don't have to explain why, but you can. Your help would be would save me an hour tonight. And I really need that hour to rest. That might be it. Step three, ask with options. Everyone uses different bandwidth and, or I mean, everyone has different bandwidth and talents and comfort levels and schedules. So instead of boxing them into one option, give them choices. And here's just some examples. Could you help with dinner or drive to the appointment this week? Or drive them to the appointment this week? Could you take the dogs out tonight or pick up groceries? Could you visit mom for 30 minutes or give her a call this afternoon? How wonderful would that be? Yeah. Um, when Dennis was getting a stem cell transplant, some people could help during the day, but others couldn't help during the day. And so, you know, I had this group text and group post that I used, and the people that were either retired helped during the day, or people that were home during the day could help. So I offered options, you know, for a lot of times could somebody check in on the dogs? My dogs are spoiled rotten, they get fed three times a day. And so they would have morning, noon, and night, and not everybody could do the noon shift. Can somebody grab the mail or I had a delivery on the porch because my ring camera went off, you know? And people would ask about meals you and could they deliver meals, or I would need a meal or whatever. Um, there were people that just couldn't physically help. And so I would ask them while Dennis was in for 30 days in the hot inpatient, his his, you know, he would get down in the dumps because he because he only could see the halt in his room. So I posted out there, could here's his number, text him. We had a private group, or here's his address in the hospital. He would love to have cards. And people love having choices. It helps them say yes to where they can help. And so by listing out things, especially when you know it's going to be a chaotic time. When caring for mom, and especially when mom was starting to um kind of uh her lung cancer was taking the most of her energy away, a lot of her neighbors would see me walking into her apartment and they would see me in the hallways, and they said, How's Janet? And I said, She's doing okay, but she just is not feeling well all the time. They would always say, You know, let me know what you could help with. And I would say, Hey, if you're down there and you see her mail, pick up her mail and knock at her door. And if she answers, give her a mail or slip it underneath the door. Um, and check in with her, you know, pop in for a visit. So I would kind of give people that that option to go ahead and help, and they love that as well. And I'm like, here's her here, here's her phone number, so you can give her a call. They just wanted to know how to help and what they could do on there. So I I just want to kind of conclude with a couple things here once, and really this one phrase caregivers hear all the time. If you need help, let me know. I hear that all the time. Just let me know if you need any help. Most of us smile and nod and say, Thank you. I will. And then we never follow through. Not because we don't need help, but because asking feels awkward or we don't know what to say, we don't want to inconvenience people, we're in survival mode and can't think straight. And I've heard Maria Shriver and Oprah say this. And I've been starting to say this. And when someone asks you and offers help, don't wait. Just tell them what, just tell them what you need. As friends, if you want help, don't ask, just do it. And when my friend's saying, well, just let me know what you need. And I'm like, I really don't know what I need right now. I am so overwhelmed and so chaotic. So if you think of something, just text me or just bring it or just do it, that sort of thing. And that's the beauty of it. Your true friends will know what they can do. And when somebody just pulls up into your driveway and brings you a fresh cup of coffee, you're gonna say, Oh my god, thank you. They might text you and say, Are you gonna be home? I'm stopping for coffee and I'm bringing you one over. And I've been doing that a lot with my friends as well. Or I'm at the store, tell me what you need right now. Again, don't take the burden on yourself, just saying, Hey, just text me. And when you're at the grocery store or when you're at the coffee shop, tell me it in and think about me, you know, that kind of thing. Because in chaos, caregivers aren't capable of outlining their needs. We're not sometimes we that's the least of our thoughts right now. You can you can think about so now when someone says, if you need anything, you can say, you can listen for the cue, you can take a deep breath, and then I ask, actually ask or say, Yes, here's something that would help. And friend, if you think of something like a cup of coffee and you're going for a cup of coffee one morning and you think I might want one, hey, give me a text. People will always, always then say yes.

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00:

Just saying, you know, especially if you're at a grocery store and you're in the grocery store. Oh, you just let me know what you need. And I'm like, yeah, I don't get very many chances to get to the grocery store. So if you're ever at the grocery store and you think about me the next time you're at the grocery store and just ask me, do you need anything? I'm at such and such a place right now. Yeah, that would be great. Or sometimes the the people would say, and I'm like, hey, you know what? Here's my here's my loved one's number. Why don't you give them a text or give them a call? Because when they can bring your loved one's spirit up, that kind of takes the burden off of you having to go ahead and entertain and socialize. Okay, I've even created a group text thread, like I said, for family and close friends. So I could post my needs, whether it's tasks, prayers, or support for dentists. Sometimes I ask for someone to take the dogs out. Sometimes I ask for a prayer at a certain time. Like I said, sometimes I ask for Dennis for um, you know, give sending him cards. Sometimes I'm like, hey, you know, I'm I'm looking for, you know, Dennis is on a special diet. Does anybody have anything? But don't forget about your needs. Hey, I could really use a night out. Is anybody interested in going to a movie with me tonight? Ask. It it wasn't fancy for me, it wasn't perfect, but it made things easier. And it reminded me that people wanted to help. People wanted to go ahead and offer driving my appointment to chemo my husband to chemotherapy appointments, or they want to drop off a meal, or they want to go ahead and pick something up. They just need direction. So asking for help, like I said, isn't a burden, it's a bridge, a bridge to support, a bridge to relief, a bridge to energy, a bridge to clearer mind, a bridge back to yourself. You don't have to do this alone. You and you were never meant to do this alone. Now, let's get into some barriers. I thought it was done, but I have a little bit more. So bear with me. I'm really getting into it right now. I want to talk about some barriers and fears that you tell yourself. Not even when we know we need what we need, we don't always know it. And even when we want to ask for help, there's something that gets in the way. There's these fear stories, the lies we've collected over time from childhood, from our culture, from caregiving, from burnout that sit on our shoulders and whisper at us. Don't ask, don't bother anybody. You should handle this yourself. So let's shine a light on those fears and let them roll off our back like a duck lets water roll off their back and off their feathers. Or as Elsa from Frozen would say, let it go, let it go, you know, that way. So let's let's address some of these fears. Fear number one, they'll think I'm failing. People would love people would love you want to people who love you want to help you. And asking for support shows strength, not weakness. You don't fail by asking, you fail by trying to do everything alone until you break. Fear number two, they're too busy. Everyone is busy, but people make time for what and who they care about. And honestly, most people feel honored when you trust them enough to ask. I want to help. They just need direction. Fear number three, I should handle this myself. This is caregiving conditioning or caregiver conditioning, not reality. Caregiving was never meant to be a one-person job. If you pay attention to a medical team and a doctor's officer in the hospital, I mean, when Dennis was in the hospital, they had CNAs, they had medical assistants, they had the nurses, they had people drawing blood. You know, there was people doing different things. And you can handle a lot on your own, but that doesn't mean you should. Fear number four, they won't do it the way I do. Oh my gosh. They might not. And you have to be okay with that. If the floor gets mopped differently, if mom's hair looks slightly different after the appointment, if the groceries aren't exactly what you would have bought, it still counts, it still helps, it still gives you relief. Perfect isn't the goal, support is. If you are a control freak like I am, you have to realize that it's not going to be perfect. It's okay. And you know what? You have to realize too that your loved one gets to see different people helping as well, and that's good for them. Fear number five, if I ask once, I'll owe them forever. I felt that way. I still feel this way, and I'm working through this feel uh fear. Healthy support doesn't keep score. Healthy people don't tally favors. And receiving help once doesn't mean you're indebted to them for life. You don't owe someone forever for showing up today. You deserve the same generosity you offer everyone else. And that's what you have to realize. These fears are stories that you're telling yourself. They, they, that's just that stories, not facts, not truths, not predictions of what will happen. You deserve to receive support in the same way you so freely give it right now as a caregiver. Let the fears fall away, like water rolling off that duck's back. Open yourself to possibilities that help is already waiting for you. So before we move into journaling, I want to leave you with a truth that caregivers struggle to believe. You are allowed to have needs. I want to say it again. You are allowed to have needs. Not after everything settles down, not when things get easier, not when you've earned it, right now, in this season, in this chaos, in the exhaustion. You are not a machine. You are a human with limits, emotions, and breaking points. You are not the only one responsible for everything. Caregiving may be your role, but it shouldn't be your entire identity or your entire burden. You are allowed to lighten your load. You don't need permission from a doctor, from me, from the sibling or the universe. The permission comes from you. You deserve support. Every caregiver does. Not because you're struggling, but because you're human. You don't have to do this alone. And honestly, you were never meant to do this alone. Your needs are not negotiable, they are your nourishment. Your needs aren't luxuries, they aren't optional, they aren't selfish, they are what keep you whole, they are what keep you grounded and able to keep showing up with love. So if you are a journaler, let's talk about this because you want to think about taking the time today after this episode and really figuring out your needs. Now, some people are journalers and some people may not be. And we covered a lot of hard stuff today and about your needs and your fears and your courage. And when you give yourself stillness and think through these and journal these out, it can be really eye-opening. Now, if you're not a journaler and you're like, oh, I've just I've I just can't get into journaling, then go for a walk and think about it. Turn off the radio and the car while you drive and just think about these. Some of you love to journal and some of you don't, and that's okay. Now, no matter if you're putting the pen to paper or going for a walk or a drive, it's about awareness and not prevention. Here are some prompts that I want you to think about. Where is guilt and shame poking holes in your cup right now? And what truth do I want to replace it with? We talked about this last time. But if you're I want you to kind of think about this, let it be raw, let it be honest, let it be wherever, whatever comes up, and then write down three things you're doing well. What are three things you're doing well today? Or as you're walking? Think about three things you're doing well, not perfectly well, because caregiver brains forget to celebrate quiet wins. Ask yourself next, what is the one thing my body or mind is quietly asking for right now? What are your needs right now? What is your body or mind asking you for? Is it sleep? Is it water? Is it help? Is it silence? Is it a hug? Is it a hot cup of coffee and sitting in silence? Is it a long exhale? What do you need right now? Think about what you need and then affirm it. You don't have to fix everything today, you don't have to solve the problem every every problem. Just start noticing the places where you're carrying too much. Awareness is the first patch that you're going to fix in your leaky cup. Comparison is the second patch that you're gonna fix. Okay, friend, I want you to hear this part clearly. Put your hand on your heart again. You are enough. Even on those days you don't feel like it. You are allowed to have needs and to honor them. You are worthy of support and not someday and but today. Your strength isn't defined by how much you carry, it's defined by how deeply you care. You've shown up in ways most people will never understand. You've navigated crises, appointments, medication, emotions, decisions, and so on, often alone, often exhausted, often scared, and still you keep showing up. You're showing up not perfectly, not endlessly, but with courage and your heart. So I want you to release the guilt. Guilt may visit you, that's human, but it does not give get to live in you. It doesn't get to narrate your story, it doesn't get to decide your worth, and it doesn't get to get the final say. I want you to rise to your power. You deserve rest, you deserve help, you deserve compassion and especially your own. And you deserve to live the caregiving journey in a way that keeps your cup full. You know I love the text and the replies. Here's a couple prompts that may help you because some people think I don't want to text you now. There's so much. One need you're ready to honor this week. You're ready to honor. You may not have figured it out yet, but you're ready to honor it. One guilt you're finally ready to release. I'd be honored to support you and maybe even share your story in a future episode. Well, before we end, let me just say thank you for listening to another episode of the season one. We just have one more left, and that's the wrap-up. Um, so that's that's episode nine of the season one. And next week we're diving into something that can transform your whole caregiving rhythm, and that is setting expectations for yourself and everyone around you. Because when you get clear on what's realistic and what's not, you free yourself from pressure and you were never meant to that you were never meant to carry. So I hope you enjoyed the episode. I got really excited in the middle, and it really hit home again for me when I say it again. And it just is a reminder that caregiving is a work in progress. And we continue to have to ask ourselves, why am I feeling this way? Or why am I body ache this way? Or why am I in this mood? Then you can ask, what do I need? Just like Mark asked me for what I need, my oldest son. Bye for now, and we'll talk to you again next week, my friend. Well, thank you for listening to today's episode of the Caregiver Cup Podcast. And hey, commend yourself for taking this time today just for you. That's something worth celebrating. If you've enjoyed this episode, can I ask a favor of you? Hit that follow button or write a review, or better yet, send me a text. Hearing from you means the world to me. Remember, you are not alone. And here in season one, we're focusing on what's in your cup. So don't forget to refill it, protect it, and strengthen yours. Because when you show up as your best self, you can be a stronger caregiver, advocate, and healthier you. Until next time, my friend, take care of you.