The Hidden Emotions of Caregiving: Anger, Resentment, and Guilt

Have you ever felt angry… frustrated… or even resentful in your caregiving journey—and then immediately felt guilty for it?

You’re not alone.

And more importantly… there’s nothing wrong with you.

In this episode, we’re opening up about the emotions many of us experience—but don’t always talk about.

The ones that feel uncomfortable.
 The ones that don’t seem to match the love you have.

But here’s the truth…

☕️ These are part of the caregiving journey.

Inside this episode, we’ll walk through:
 ✨ Why emotions like anger, frustration, and resentment show up
 ✨ How they slowly build over time
 ✨ The guilt that often follows—and how to release it
 ✨ And how to begin noticing what your cup is trying to tell you

You’ll also hear a personal story I’ve never shared before…
 one that reminded me that two things can be true at the same time:

You can love deeply…
 and still feel overwhelmed.

As you listen, I invite you to gently ask yourself:

💛 What emotion has been showing up for me lately?
 💛 Have I been pushing it down… or noticing it?

Because these emotions…

👉 don’t define you.
 👉 they’re guiding you.

Transcript

Welcome Back And Safety Vest Metaphor

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Well, hello, my friend, and welcome back to season three. It's episode three of season three. Now, before we get started, I don't know about you, but here in Wisconsin, now that the snow is finally gone, it feels like it's road construction season. You can't go anywhere without seeing cones and detours and those men and women wearing those orange safety vests. So today I want you to imagine putting on one of those safety vests, maybe even a hard hat too, because we're gonna talk about the hazards of caregiving. And yes, caregiving can do this to you and I, all these hazards. It didn't take long for me to experience this myself. I became a caregiver in September of 2017 when my dad was diagnosed with stage four pancreatic cancer. And just two weeks later, my spouse was diagnosed with stage four lymphoma. I jumped in. I didn't, I did what I I say many of us do, and that is I showed up, I took care of everything, and kept going. But within a month, my cup was already spilling. And not long after that, hmm, the stress, the burnout, and the emotion started showing up. I found myself frustrated, angry, even bitter at times. And I I always think about it, I wasn't myself. And I remember waking up with thoughts like this why is this happening to us? This isn't how life was supposed to look. I just want things to go back to normal, or another one, I can't keep doing all of this. And then feeling guilty for thinking these thoughts. I was on, I was short at work, I was angry at the world, and because my dad was given two to ten months to live, and everyone else was just out there, they were out there living their lives, and I remember thinking, how is everything just going to going on like normal when when my world was falling apart? Deep down, I felt robbed of joy, like something that had been taken from me. And if I was really honest, there were moments I just wanted my life back. And I've done so many caregiver interviews in the past, and people just want their life back, but there's no turning back. And what I did didn't realize at the time was that these emotions, these hazards weren't going away, they were building layer by layer until I learned how to understand them, until I learned how to accept them and start working through them. And maybe you felt this too, or maybe you're feeling this way right now. So, and before we go any further, I want to take a moment to say this. This is a judgment-free space. I've I've learned that in my caregiving that every one of us are different and we can't judge each other. And most importantly, we can't judge ourselves in this space because the emotions we're talking about today, they feel uncomfortable, they feel confusing, and sometimes they can even make you and I question ourselves. You might think I shouldn't feel this way, or you might think I'm supposed to be stronger than this. Other people have it harder. But my friend, you are not a bad person for feeling this way. You're human, and caregiving is hard. It can feel overwhelming, it can feel exhausting, and at times it can even feel unappreciated. You're giving so much of yourself, often without a break, without recognition, and without the space to process what you're carrying. So, of course, emotions like anger and frustration and snappiness and resentment are going to show up. And instead of pushing them away or judging yourself for having them, what if you just notice them? What if you just notice the spill, even when it looks like anger or resentment? Because these feelings and those feelings, they're not here to tell you something is wrong with you. They're here to tell you something needs your attention. I'm gonna pause and just take a cup of water here. And you know what? You're allowed to listen. So let's just name them the emotions that don't always get talked about, the ones we sometimes try to push down or ignore. You might feel anger, frustration, resentment, irritability, and sometimes guilt for even feeling these things. And I want to say this clearly: these emotions are part of caregiving, even if we don't want them to be. These are what I call the hazards of the role, the hazards of the caregiver role. Not because something is wrong, but because you're carrying so much. And I know it can be really hard to admit this, to even say it out loud. Think about it. I feel angry, I feel resentful, I'm frustrated, I'm jealous of other people. I'm just moody today because you love the person you're caring for, and those feelings don't seem to match the love in your love that you're giving. But both can exist. You can love somebody deeply and still feel frustrated, you can care with your whole heart and still feel resentful at times, and when stress and overwhelm start to build, your brain and your emotions are doing that. They need somewhere to go. And sometimes this is where they show up. Not because you're ungrateful, not because you don't care, but because you're holding a lot for a long time. And I know for some of you it's been a very long time, but if you're still new to this, you're holding a lot. And a lot is and you're trying to figure it out. So instead of pushing these feelings away or judging yourself for them, what if you just acknowledge them? Here's some examples. Okay, I'm feeling frustrated right now. Or there's some resentment here, or this feels heavier than normal. And then say these without shame, no shame, no guilt, just awareness. Because when you name it, you take away some of its power. And more importantly, you start to understand what your cop is trying to tell you. It's so powerful, so very powerful. So now that we've named the emotions, let's talk about something really important, and that is why they're showing up in the first place. Because these feelings, they don't just come out of nowhere, they come from what you've been carrying. And when we start to understand that, something shifts. We move from judgment to awareness. So let's break this down a little bit. A lot of these emotions come from needs that aren't being met. You might be lacking rest. Oh my gosh, when I am, I am, I am struggling and I am so tired. Yeah, my emotions start going wacko. You're running on empty day after day. You might not have the support you need, and feeling like all of this falls on you. Or maybe you just don't have time for yourself anymore. So no space to breathe, no space to reset, you're you're not doing your social things that you've been doing in the past, and you that resentment may come in. And when those needs go unmet for a long time, your body and emotions start to speak up. There's always a layer of loss in caregiving that we don't always talk about. We lose. There's a lot of people that may start to grieve it and miss it, like your loss of freedom, your loss of flexibility, your loss of what life used to look like, and sometimes even loss of who you feel like you are. I could go on and on. Maybe the loss of the relationship that you had with your loved one because the disease took over, you know, the loss of your independence, like we said, your freedom to go ahead and do what you want to do. You didn't choose this version of your life. And even if you stepped into it with love, it still comes with grief. So that I call all that loss. And there's, and then there's the pressure, the constant being on. And I'm using on in quotations, you're on all the time, always thinking ahead, always planning, always making decisions, carrying the responsibility and not just for yourself, but for someone else's life, their health and their well-being. That's a lot. And when you're holding all of this day after day, week after week, it makes sense that emotions like frustration and anger and resentment start to rise to the surface. And for some of you, it might go even deeper. It could be relationships. I've I've talked to so many caregivers where they didn't have the best relationships with their parents, and now they're expected to care for their loved one. It could be a past experience that now you have to carry because something happened in the past with your loved one, and now you're expected to go ahead and sweep that underneath the rug and be caring for them, or past experiences with siblings, and you're trying to juggle relationships with siblings while caring for your parents. It could be things that caregiving is bringing up that you didn't even realize were still there. And again, that doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means something is asking to be seen. And so instead of pushing it away or trying to fix yourself, what if you just got curious? Say to yourself, what might this feeling be connected to? Or what have I been carrying that I haven't acknowledged? Because when you understand where it's coming from, you can start to respond differently. And that's where the shift begins. That's where the shift begins. And this is the part where I become really, really good at this hazards. And I want to talk about the how-to's. I became the master of ignoring it. I was really good at pushing it aside, cleaning it up, telling myself, I'm fine, I can handle it. This is just how it is right now. And I think back to a year ago right now, and I was doing that. But here's what I learn resentment doesn't just show up overnight, it builds slowly, quietly, in small repeated moments. It's like a slow leak in your cup, not a spill at once, but a drip, drip, drip, and that you keep wiping it up instead of fixing the cup or stopping the drip. And for me, it looked like saying yes when I really didn't feel right, pushing my needs aside, but because everyone else felt more important. That was the right thing to do, I kept telling myself. Telling myself, I'll rest later, I'll deal with it later. It's not that big of a deal. I can't think this way. But those moments, they keep adding up because every time you ignore what you need, every time you push something down, every time you clean up the leak instead of looking at it, it builds pressure. The pressure builds, and eventually it has to go somewhere, and that's when resentment starts to show up. It starts to show up. Not because you don't care, not because you don't you're doing anything wrong, but because something inside of you has been asking for your attention for a long time. And instead of being heard, it might be it's been put on hold. So if you're feeling if or if you've been feeling that build, that heaviness, that quiet frustration under it all, I just want you to know you are not alone in that. You're not alone. And maybe this is your moment to stop just cleaning up the leak and start asking, what needs my attention here? What needs my attention? And then I'm gonna just build on this. There's another layer to all of this because you're thinking, what needs my attention? And there's this other layer, one that doesn't always get talked about, it's the guilt we feel. The guilt for even having these emotions in the first place, right? Last year, I pushed him aside. Dennis was in the hospital, Dennis was getting a stem cell transplant. How dare I feel this way? But feeling bad for for feeling angry, telling yourself I shouldn't feel this way, comparing your situation to others and thinking other people have it worse. I should just be grateful. I shouldn't be struggling like this. And I'll be honest with you, this is really hard. This is a hard layer for you to admit, for me to admit, but it's real. There was a moment last year during Dennis's stem cell transplant when I had to face something I had never said out loud before. I felt guilty because a part of me felt like everything was centered around Dennis. And of course it was. He was going through so much, but there was a part of me that just wanted someone to ask me, How are you doing? I wanted someone to see me, to check on me, to put a little attention on me. And even saying that now, it can feel uncomfortable, it can feel selfish. But the truth is, I felt what I felt, and that doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't make me make you one either, because feeling this does not mean you don't love them, you can love someone deeply and still feel overlooked, you can care with your whole heart and still wish someone would care for you too. Those things can exist at the same time. So instead of layering guilt on top of your already heavy emotions, what if you give yourself permission to just be honest? Say things like, This is how I feel right now. This is hard. I want to go ahead and get my hair cut, I want to do whatever. No shame, no judgment, because when you remove the guilt, you create space, space to understand, space to process this, and space to start taking care of yourself too. And this is where I want to bring us back to something I talk about often on this podcast, and that's awareness. I feel like awareness is your first win when you start feeling resentment or anger or frustration or you're off or irritable, whatever it would be. Awareness should be something you celebrate. And I know we talk about this a lot, but I know I hope you're starting to see why it really matters so much, especially when it comes to these hazards of caregiving, because for so long we've been taught to push things away, especially in this chaotic caregiving seasons that we have. We're taught to ignore it, move past it, stay strong, keep going. But what if instead of pushing it away, you just simply notice it? Notice the spill. You're not judging it, you're not trying to fix it, you're not making it go away. Just notice it. Maybe like when I was walking to the hospital each and every day from the hospital house across the street, I might say, I'm feeling frustrated right now. There's some resentment here. I feel overwhelmed. And then gently ask yourself, what is my cup telling me today? Because your emotions, they're not random, they're not here to work against you. They're trying to communicate something. It could be something as simple as, I feel resentment. And then you just notice, yeah, I didn't really sleep well last night. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe it's telling you you need rest. Maybe it's telling you you need support. Maybe it's telling you something has been building up for a long time. And when you start to notice that without piling on guilt or judgment to yourself, something shifts. You create space, and in that space, you can begin to release some of what you've been feeling and carrying. Not all at once, not perfectly, but in small, meaningful ways. Maybe it's taking a pause, maybe it's speaking up, maybe it's asking for help. Maybe it's just giving yourself a moment to breathe because awareness is where the change begins. Love that powerful statement. Awareness is where the change begins. You don't have to have it all figured out. Just start noticing it. So let's talk about like some small ways to respond and not fix it. And this is the part where we take all of this and make it simple. Because I don't want you walking away from this episode saying, okay, I need to fix this. Something is wrong with me. You don't need to fix it. This isn't about fixing, it's about responding. And I'll be honest, this is something I say a lot, like I said on this podcast, because it works. You can't always change your situation right away. You can't remove yourself from the responsibility. You can't take away everything that's on your plate, but you can change how you respond in the moment. And it doesn't have to be big, it can be really small, like a pause. Name what you're feeling. Take a breath. Step away for even a moment. Say to yourself, this is hard. I use a lot of putting your hand on your heart and taking in a deep breath, holding your heart because you love yourself. That's it. No pressure, no perfection. And let me tell you, there are days I didn't have a quiet space to do this. Maybe I would do it in the car, sitting in a parking lot before going into a store. I did it in the shower. Just letting the water hit and take a deep breath. I found myself in the bathroom, sitting down, taking a deep breath, and just pausing for an extra second, just telling myself to give myself a moment. Because sometimes that's what caregiving looks like. But those small moments, they matter, they slow things down, they soften the overwhelm. They give you just enough space to figure out your next steps. Not the whole plan, just the next step. Maybe it's the next minute, the next hour. And sometimes that's all you need. So, my friend, before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a couple of questions. I know a lot of you love to journal. Just gently think about these. No pressure to have a perfect answer. But the first question is what emotion has been showing up for you lately? What is the emotion that's been showing up lately? Maybe you journal about it. Maybe you go for a walk on it. Maybe you think about it. The other question is, have you been pushing it down or have you been noticing it? These are great questions because awareness, even in the smallest ways, is where everything begins. Where everything begins. So in my close here, I just want you to hear this again. You are not alone. You are not alone in this. What you're feeling is part of caregiving, and it does not make you a bad person. Remember, these are the hazards of caregiving. What you're feeling makes you human. You are caring so much day after day, often without a break, often without recognition. And even on those days that feel messy or heavy or overwhelming, tell yourself you are doing the best you can. And my friend, that is enough. That is enough. You are showing up, you are loving deeply, you are doing meaningful, important work, and yes, you are amazing, even on the days it doesn't feel like it. So please don't let these emotions define you. These emotions don't define you, they're guiding you. Guide you to what you need. Let your emotions guide you to what matters. Let your emotion give you hints and guide you back to yourself. Those are so powerful. So until next time, I want to just give you a peek at what's going to happen in the next episode. We're going to stay right here in this conversation, but be but we're going to talk about one emotion that is many of that many of us struggle with. We're going to break it down a little bit more or less. That's what I'm trying to say, is anger. I'm going to remind you something that you need to hear. It's okay to feel anger. That doesn't make you a bad caregiver. It doesn't make you ungrateful. It makes you human. And like we've talked about, it's going to tell us something. So if you're you're if that's something you're carrying or you've been carrying, you're going to want to join us for the next episode uh next Tuesday, um, where we're going to talk about it. I don't have the name of the episode completely done yet. So that's why I'm kind of going, we're going to talk about anger, but I haven't really ironed it out yet. But it's such a powerful, powerful emotion that you want to talk about it. I want to first of all just say thank you for staying with us on this episode today. I hope you found it um helpful and gave you something that you needed. If this spoke to you, will you do me a favor and click your follow button if you're not already following me on your podcast app? That just bubbles it up to other people. And if you know a caregiver that might benefit from this, share it with them. Tell them about it. I'd also love to hear from you. Remember, there's that Tex Kathy link in the show notes. And tell me what resonated with you today. Tell me about it. And if you want to support the show, which I do completely free of charge, no sponsors, there's a support button there that you can go ahead and donate monthly or give me a donation. Or if you would prefer just to Venmo me, you can do that too. I'm at Kathy C A T H Y dash Vanden Hoovel. Let me spell it for you. V-A-N-D-E-N-H-E-U V E L at Kathy dash Vanden Hoovel dash one. It truly helps me keep this podcast going since there are tools and stuff that I pay for monthly. And it continues to help me show up for you. So, my friend, until next time, remember we're in this together. You're not alone. And we're can continue to look at our cup and find ways to go ahead and make it better. And if I haven't told you, you can take off your safety vest now and your hard hat so that you don't have to carry those on for the rest of the day. And then until next time, my friend, bye for now.