In this episode... Walt gets a little too creative with a mini-fridge, Poppy and Beibo become accomplices, Petunia changes her voice, and Eleanor totally doesn't have a panic attack. The saga of Brock and Sonya goes off the wall, featuring Mechagodzilla and the greatest terror Brock Austin has ever faced. Plus: the fans perform "Ear-Trumpet Zone" and Mary performs the traditional "Let No Man Steal Your Thyme".
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Greg Havton as Victor
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Aimee Manley as Katy
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Dante Thanhardt as Maximiliano
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini; "Ear-Trumpet Zone" performed by Emma Paulini, music by Val Haynes, lyrics by Isabelle Rogers. "Let No Man Steal Your Thyme" performed by Pamela Lehan-Siegel.
In this episode... Walt gets a little too creative with a mini-fridge, Poppy and Beibo become accomplices, Petunia changes her voice, and Eleanor totally doesn't have a panic attack. The saga of Brock and Sonya goes off the wall, featuring Mechagodzilla and the greatest terror Brock Austin has ever faced. Plus: the fans perform "Ear-Trumpet Zone" and Mary performs the traditional "Let No Man Steal Your Thyme".
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Greg Havton as Victor
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Aimee Manley as Katy
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Dante Thanhardt as Maximiliano
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini; "Ear-Trumpet Zone" performed by Emma Paulini, music by Val Haynes, lyrics by Isabelle Rogers. "Let No Man Steal Your Thyme" performed by Pamela Lehan-Siegel.
NARRATOR
This is a little uncomfortable. But the new voice you’re hearing right now, dear listener, is the result of I, Petunia Stonebury’s medically guided attempts to make myself sound younger. You see, I believe in the power and beauty of youth. And in the fact that youth makes others pay attention to you. And that’s exactly what I want to convey to my Irish music legend Disney Princess hero Mary, who is currently listening to the ridiculous radio plays at KOLD Radio. But I haven’t quite found the courage to tell her this yet. So! In the last episode, we heard the first section of Eerie Tales from the Aether, which spotlit the Saga of Brock and Sonya.
BROCK
“You tried to teach me how to dance, Sonya Winters. I didn’t listen, and look where it got me. Now maybe you can teach me something else, and I promise I’ll listen this time. Maybe you can teach me... how to love.
NARRATOR
More importantly, the golden-voiced Conall Kaleo welcomed I, Petunia Stonebury, and the rest of Mary’s adoring fans to the KOLD Studio. We now sing the commercial jingles! And Mary even mentioned us- well, she said our music was stabbin’ her ears out. But we’re taking it one note at a time...
ELEANOR
Well done, everyone! You’re doing a little too much with Sonya, Poppy. I really need you to make it real, alright? Like it really is your first love.
POPPY
Make it real? Do I have to remind you I’m not an actor? And this is, like, the American cheese of radio plays!
ELEANOR
If you mean an absolute classic comfort food, I agree. Now’s your 9 minute 45 second break - get your protein shakes and bone broth and whatever else actors like!
BEIBO
OK. Poppy, she does have a point... Brock and Sonya may not be the most naturalistic characters, but- surely you can draw from your first crush? Or the first guy you dated?
POPPY
What first guy? You’re assuming a lot, Mr. Suncloud.
WALT
Fantastic! Break time! I just need to go to the bathroom and not at all anywhere near the mini fridge!
VICTOR
Why aren’t you going near the mini fridge?
POPPY
Yeah, that’s, like, a weird thing to bring up?
WALT
No reason!! Did I say mini fridge? I mean many fidge-ts, because that’s what I have to do on our break! I’ve been sitting down for too long!
MAXIMILIANO
Uhhhhhh...
ELEANOR
No matter what you need to do on your break, Walter, I’m proud of you. I’m sorry that sometimes you can’t tell. And I really want you to know-
WALT
Let’s talk about this later, Miss Eleanor. These fidgets are gonna look really weird and I have to do them in private.
ELEANOR
Alright...
NARRATOR
Walt ran off towards the break room, shaking his shoulders. But Beibo and Poppy were faster, racing each other there to stop Walt in his tracks. We fans sat in the booth, trying and failing to work up the courage to talk to Mary. In the break room...
BEIBO
Hey, Walt.
WALT
Hey. Can I just get in that mini fridge?
POPPY
Uh, no, because we’re like, standing in front of it and blocking it.
WALT
Well gee, why would you do that?
POPPY
You clearly have an evil scheme.
BEIBO
I would have gone to a lot less parties if I was as bad at lying as you are.
WALT
I just need you to let me open it up and not look while I’m doing stuff, which is a basic mini fridge privacy law!
BEIBO
But I’m Brock Austin. A law-breaker. A renegade.
POPPY
No you’re not. But we *are* your friends, Walt. We want you to be honest with us.
WALT
I took the rest of the Epic Saga of Brock and Sonya and I’m hiding it in the fridge. I know that sounds sus, but- I love radio plays, okay? I get this fantastic feeling when I listen to “Terry And The Pirates”... Like when Captain Midnight flies his plane - BRRRRMMMMMM - And Ivan Shark pursues him, so he has to go even faster - Woosh! Woosh! BRRMMMMMM! I feel like I’m in that plane with him, persevering through the freezing cold wind to do my duty for my country. But Brock and Sonya? It’s- it’s just not good! It’s not fun! It’s cheesy and slow and makes me feel weird, and they’re always talking about LOVE but Brock’s always like “UH! I’M STRONG AND MEAN.” I’m not doing this because *I* don’t like the script! It’s to save the station! I was watching Mary and Joe’s faces during the broadcast and they were as empty as my fridge after I get home from school. Just dull and blank, and then sometimes they would whisper to each other with malicious looks on their faces. They hate it!
BEIBO
I don’t think they *hate* it...
POPPY
They might hate it. I mean, can you really blame them? Eleanor thinks this is, like, a brilliant work of art!
BEIBO
At least it’s ...fun and creative!
POPPY
Beibo’s just happy his character has- what is it? Sparkling blue eyes and perfectly sculpted cheekbones.
WALT
I’m so worried that this radio play’s gonna kill KOLD Radio, my second favorite place in the world! So- I changed it. I wrote my own version while all the weird stuff with the fans was happening.
BEIBO
Oh. I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, bud...
POPPY
His writing can’t be any worse!
WALT
Yeah! It has everything I love in it, so how can it be bad? And so I have to switch them out and hide the original version. Make sense?
BEIBO
...This is gonna hurt the feelings of whoever wrote the original script.
POPPY
True, artistic people have a lot of feelings...
BEIBO
Hey!
WALT
They won’t know anything about it! Miss Eleanor said she found the script on the Internet somewhere. Like, on freeawesomecopyrightfreeradioplays.com. Only I looked online and I couldn’t find it anywhere. And I know it’s not worth risking this station on some random romance! Think about it- if Miss Mary signs on with us, KOLD Radio will be flush with cash and we can make whatever we want!!
BEIBO
I still kinda think...
POPPY
Let’s do it!
SFX: She opens the mini fridge and Walt puts the script in.
WALT
Thanks, guys! You’re such good friends! Stay cool, little script.
NARRATOR
Back in the KOLD Radio sitting room...
ELEANOR
So, that was section one of the saga of Sonya and Brock! Now there’s a little time for you to stretch your legs.
MARY
Well, that was charming!
JOE
Really, luv? You don’t sound as sarcastic as usual...
MARY
Charmingly bodged together, but I’d say yes. Charming. Peril an’ romance from those two youngwans- it wasn’t much, but it was cute, like a Harlequin Romance. I’d listen to that on th’ tour bus!
JOE
Huuh, I wouldn’t bet on gettin’ on that tour bus again!
MARY
What? Anyways, it’s all got me thinkin’ - what kind of investment money are ya lookin’ for exactly?
ELEANOR
Well- I mean- we can start with a conservative estimate of-
SFX: Crash!
ELEANOR
Heh. Oh. That was *nothing*.
JOE
I like coverin’ things up as much as you do-
MARY
Sure he does. Have you ever heard of my experimental metal-folk album? That’s right, ya haven’t! Some of my best work was scrubbed from the public eye!
JOE
But Eleanor, you have to admit that doesn’t look like nothing.
CONALL
It’s nothing surprising. Sounded like another ceiling tile came down in your office, Eleanor. How many are left? Ten? Twelve? Zero? If I recall, you were going to call in a favor from your cousin the ceiling technician, but it was *still* too expensive-
ELEANOR
Y’know what, I think we’ll just shorten the break. WALTER! CRAZY FANS!
KATY
We’re right here,
VICTOR
and we prefer “enthusiastic fans”.
ELEANOR
Let’s begin the show.
NARRATOR
Walt, Poppy and Beibo popped their heads out suspiciously from the breakroom doorway.
WALT
What? Oh- YES, MISS ELEANOR!
CONALL
Welcome back to Eerie Tales From The Aether, sponsored by:
MARY’S FANS
*Ziffrin, Brittenham, Bronca* *Fisher, Gilbert-Luri, and Cook!* *Stiffelman, Johnsonlande and Wolf*
*They’re the attorneys for you!*
CONALL
Also sponsored by:
MARY’S FANS
*Werner’s Mortuary...and Catering*
CONALL
Where we left off, the two budding lovers were in trouble!
SONYA
“I-“
BROCK
“Take my hand!”
CONALL
Against her better judgement and her rational thinking, Sonya looks in Brock’s eyes and takes his hand. And together they begin to run. Run faster than they ever have before.
SONYA
“Look, Brock, what’s that up ahead?”
BROCK
“It’s- not the government soldiers - it’s a squadron of spooky scary skeletons, with a banner that says “We Are Dead!”
SONYA
“Oh no! Also, that rhymed!”
WALT/MARY’S FANS
*Spooky, scary skeletons*
*Send shivers down your spine!*
BEIBO
Hey so Poppy, do you think we made the right choice by helping Walt?
POPPY
Uhhhhh...well, at least I’m having more fun.
BEIBO
I guess you won’t have to take it seriously or think about your first boyfriend anymore!
ELEANOR
Are they improvising?!
MARY
What’d ya say there, Eleanor?
ELEANOR
Oh, ignore me!
SONYA
“What are we going to do, Brock?”
BROCK
“Don’t ask me, Sonya. Playing UltraBall was never anything like this!”
SONYA
“Isn’t there some way you can kick them in their bony knees or something? Those skeletons are making me shake and shudder in surprise!”
BROCK
“Yes... Maybe you’re on to something, Sonya. I did study martial arts in college...”
CONALL
Brock cautiously approaches the squadron of... spooky scary skeletons, readying himself for his stupendous energy attack.
BROCK
“Wrak... no... more... hav..havark...hav.. Er...”
POPPY
Huh?
BEIBO
I can’t read the handwriting!
POPPY
Havoc, doofus! Havoc!
BROCK
Oh! “Wreak no more havoc on our city, foul skeletons! I shall dispatch you with my Turtle Devastation Wave!”
MARY
Ah, luv, this is all getting right confusing. What’s all this about turtles and skeletons and such? It’s bollocks! I wanted to hear about the love story of Brock and Sonya! An’ now they can’t even read their lines correctly!
JOE
No, it makes sense to me! There’s a video on the YouTube about spooky scary skeletons, with that catchy song they were singin’! It explains that the skeletons want to socialize with us, but we cannot because they’re shoutin’ so much an’ they’ll steal our souls! An’ now, Brock’s going to do a kung fu move like Jackie Chan!
MARY
Ah, sure, it’s all clear as diamonds now!
SONYA
“Brock, be careful!”
BROCK
“Here goes nothing...” (beat) “KAAAAAAAAAA-MEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAA-MEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAA!”
NARRATOR
Poppy, who apparently had watched the Dragon Ball Z program this comes from, stood up and attempted to show off this energy wave with a hand-thingy and an energy fireball.
SFX: Insane sound effects.
WALT/SKELETONS
“Oh no!!!! We were skeletons, but now we’re evaporating!!!”
SONYA
“Brock! They’re gone! You did it! That’s amazing!
BROCK
“Yes. Yes, I suppose it is. But look! Up in the sky, towering over all the skyscrapers, all the tiny little people. It’s - it’s Mechagodzilla!”
SONYA
“Mechagodzilla? Gadzooks!!”
POPPY
No one. In their entire life. Has ever said “Gadzooks.” Ever.
BEIBO
Except that you just did. Twice.
CONALL
Mechagodzilla continues to lay waste to the city, using his Space Beam and his missiles!
ELEANOR
Oh dear. Oh dear. What is this?? (to Mary and Joe) Continue enjoying the show, I’ll just be over there.
NARRATOR
Eleanor walked over to the other side of the sitting room, picked up a paper bag, and breathed into it. Just a bit.
SFX: Eleanor hyperventilating.
ELEANOR
This is so wrong... But I can’t stop the show, that’ll look unprofessional!
JOE
Huuh, is she havin’ an asthma attack?
SONYA
“Brock, what can we do?”
BROCK
“I have something in my coat pocket...My lucky trophy I got at the UltraBall World Championship, see? It’s made of - U-Knob-Tanium?”
POPPY
Unobtanium, dingus!
BROCK
“Unobtanium, and I know that Unobtanium vaporizes Mechagodzilla’s internal systems! Do you have a slingshot, Sonya?”
SONYA
“You think I just keep a slingshot in my pocket? Really?”
BROCK
“Yes, yes, yes. I need it, Sonya.”
SONYA
“You know me too well. Here you go.”
BROCK
“Now, I have to get this aiming just right in order to destroy Mechagodzilla! 1... 2... 3... Go!”
SFX: Walt does foley to illustrate all of this.
CONALL
“Brock’s aiming is perfect. His lucky trophy flies right into Mechagodzilla’s chestplate, fatally confusing his systems. Mechagodzilla explodes in a blast of molten metal and bright orange-purple fire. For a moment, it seems that they’ve won. But then Brock glimpses something in the distance...”
BROCK
“Sonya, in my life I’ve faced many, many terrifying things. War. Fire. Famine. Skeletons. My fellow UltraBall players. I would even say I’m only afraid of one thing, one thing in the whole wide world.”
SONYA
“What?”
BROCK
“That.”
CONALL
Brock points menacingly at the creature standing in front of them, a giant, adorable kitten.
SONYA
“You can’t do anything?”
BROCK
“No. I’m paralyzed with fear, Sonya. Paralyzed.”
ELEANOR
I know how you feel, Brock.
CONALL
As the government soldiers, Ultraman, and the kitten loom closer and closer to Brock and Sonya, they fear there’s no fate for them but certain doom. But then, out of nowhere, a Segway appears, carrying what look like Ludwig von Beethoven, Amelia Earhart, and a large skeleton man!
WALT/SKELEBONES
“Hello, kids. It is I, Skelebones BonyBoy Von Ossified. Former leader of the Skeleton Army. I have decided to help you.”
CONALL/BEETHOVEN
Yes. Protecting true love and all that. I would advise you children to hop on. You wouldn’t want to be trampled by Mechagodzilla.
SONYA
“Beethoven? And- Skelebones BonyBoy Von Ossified?” Oh-
POPPY/AMELIA
“And don’t forget me, plucky ol’ Amelia Earhart! Girls can time travel too, you know!”
MARY
Alright now, luv, this has officially jumped the shark! An’ I should know what that’s like, since I jumped over that shark in my Broadway show! This is utter shite!
JOE
No, luv, it’s just gettin’ going!!
MARY
I’m gettin’ up! I’m packin’ my purse!
MAXIMILIANO
Oh no...
KATY
Petunia, Mary’s standing up!
BROCK
“You’re a strange trio! What do you have in your ear?”
BEETHOVEN
“Ah, it is an ear-trumpet I bought from der Zone von Ear-Trumpet! It is for my hearing, you see!”
AMELIA
“He bought it after I told him he was a deaf old goat.”
SKELEBONES
“His hearing was worse than mine, and I don’t have ears!”
SONYA
“Oh. Well, what are you riding on?“
BEETHOVEN
“It is a time-traveling Segway!”
AMELIA
“Faster - and safer - than all the planes I flew!”
SONYA
“Time travel? Where are you planning to go?”
SKELEBONES
“We’re going 200 years in the past, to visit my father back when he was the highest ranking count in Victorian England.”
SONYA
But that’s not possible! It’s been scientifically disproven!
SKELEBONES
Um- “I’m literally a living skeleton and you’re disagreeing with me about what’s impossible?”
SONYA
Sorry, but it’s like, ridiculous that people keep dwelling on travel to the past when travel to the future IS theoretically possible.
BEETHOVEN
“You really need to get on the Segway now. We can go to the future, too.”
AMELIA
“Once we start up that Segway, it’ll look like we disappeared into thin air - which explains why everyone thinks I, Amelia Earhart, disappeared!”
SONYA
“Fine, we’ll get on the Segway. Brock! Come on!”
BROCK
“It’s mesmerizing and terrifying, that horrible fuzzy monster with that fluffy tail...those big brown eyes...I just can’t look away-“
SONYA
“Get on the Segway! Now!!”
BROCK
“You’ll have to pick me up because I can’t...move...my legs...too scared...”
SKELEBONES
“I’ll pick him up. I’m as strong as 100 non-skeletons.”
CONALL
Using the pinky finger of his bone hand, Skelebones picks Brock up and places him on the Segway. They phase into the Time Vortex. What wonders or terrors will the Segway take them to? Will Brock ever face his secret fear of the kitten? And will Skelebones return to his evil ways? All this will be answered... Next time on Eerie Tales from the Aether.
MARY
Another crock o’ shite! The questions never get answered! I still haven’t learned if love’s legs will make the journey or tire out!
JOE
Luv, stop packin’ your purse. We’re havin’ a good time here, aren’t we?
MARY
No! The Saga of Sonya an’ Brock is a flamin’ mess, apparently it’s about Amelia, Beethoven an’ Skelebones now, the actors don’t know their lines, an’ the owner of the station is havin’ a panic attack over there!
ELEANOR
No no no no no, that’s not what this is!
MARY
What’s that paper bag for, then? An’ even worse, I see my fans are preparin’ to sing another song!
BEETHOVEN
“Greetings everyone. Beethoven here to deliver some promotional material for our show. It is sponsored by der Zone Von Ear-Trumpet.”
MARY’S FANS
*This is a test, to see if you qualify*
*For our glorious product, on it you will rely*
*If you pass this test, your hearing is fine*
*If you can’t pass it- please do not resign.*
*Can you hear the tone?* [Tone 1]
*Can you hear the phone?*
*If you need a loan*
*Our interest rates won’t make you groan*
*Can you hear this note?* [Very, very quiet]
*Don’t be a deaf old goat*
*Put on your traveling coat*
*Come on down to Ear-Trumpet Zone*
*Come on down to Ear-Trumpet Zone*
*Come on down to Ear-Trumpet Zone!*
JOE
Catchy!
MARY
An’ that was a nightmare, too! My fans are not allowed to sing - what kind of hubris makes ‘em think they’ll match up to my level? RADIO STATION! I have another announcement for ya! I’m leavin’!
PETUNIA
The silence was deafening. Then came a mass exodus out of the booth.
WALT
What?!
BEIBO
Seriously?
MARY’S FANS
Please don’t leave!
PETUNIA
We didn’t even tell you our plan for your future!
ELEANOR
Mary, no! I know this was...Well, I can assure you that we didn’t plan for the Saga of Brock and Sonya to come out this way.
MARY
I can see that. You reckon you’re good at managing people, but despite the charmin’ youngwans, this has been a trainwreck from tip to toe!
ELEANOR
What I mean is, the script wasn’t written like this! There was no Mechagodzilla and Skelebones and a *time traveling segway* - it was intended to be an old-fashioned romance. About two flawed people, overconfident Brock and micromanaging Sonya, who give up everything for each other. But there was clearly - internal sabotage involved. Nothing like this has ever happened to us. Please - don’t you believe that we can transport people to the good old days through the radio? Send them back to a time without aches and pains and regrets?
MARY
No. An’ clearly I was delusional to ever think that way. Life isn’t all packed houses an’ adoring fans, an’ at some point the world gives up on ya. I’m not at that point yet, but I’m not foolin’ myself either about it coming.
KATY
We still love you, Mary!!
MAXIMILIANO
Stay pessimistic! We love that about you!
PETUNIA
But we do have a few suggestions about your career, if you’ll listen!
MARY
Maybe I will, if ya come to the local mall with me. We’ll get a Double Irish Cream Frappuccino with extra chocolate sauce. Well, I mean, you’ll pay.
VICTOR
The chance to go on a shopping spree with Mary? I would pay any price!
PETUNIA
No, I’ll pay!
JOE
This is ridiculous. You’re actin’ like a whingin’ diva, luv. Whenever someone gives you a difficult choice, you make a holy show of yourself an’ walk out. But this is an opportunity that we should be takin’! It’s true - we are agin’! We are gonna lose the fans who want your voice to sound like it was 30 years ago, clear an’ pure as rain. It’s got its own, different charms now. That’s why we’ve got to think about this career pivot! As a radio show host, you could do all kinds of new things! An’ make it with an older audience who loves your voice because it sounds like their older an’ wiser friends! Also, I thought this episode with Mechagodzilla was a little rough, but fascinatin’!
MARY
Fair play. Quite a little speech there, ya eejit. If you wanted me to stay here, maybe you shouldn’t have called me old and said my fans can’t put up with me anymore! Clearly I have plenty of fans, an’ they’re devoted, unlike somebody I know! I’m plannin’ to listen to their ideas for my career, because they can’t be worse than yours. Oh an’ luv, here’s a little partin’ song. For all my time that you’ve wasted...
MARY
*Come all you fair and tender girls*
*That flourish in your prime*
*Beware, beware, keep your garden fair*
*Let no man steal your thyme*
*Let no man steal your thyme...*
MARY
To the mall!
MAXIMILIANO
We’re coming. Can I carry your bag?
KATY
We’ll carry it together!
VICTOR
You can carry her bag, but I’ll pay. Then I can ask whether she’ll ever release that metal-folk album - I would literally crawl through broken glass to hear it.
PETUNIA
No, I need to pay to convince her of the Pagan Female Plan! The Pagan Female Plan, people!
NARRATOR
It... perhaps wasn’t our best moment, rushing Mary off to the mall so we could talk to her and leaving her husband in the dust. I will admit her relationship with her husband is very important, no matter how much I agree that he’s an eejit. But on that day, we just had to have this one-on-one experience with her. The doors closed behind us.
WALT
Miss Mary... It was all my fault.
BEIBO
No it wasn’t. It was *our* fault for encouraging you.
JOE
Huuh, all this has nothing to do with you, laddie.
WALT
No. No, it really was my fault. Right, Miss Eleanor?
POPPY
Uh, I think she’s, like, in the break room.
BEIBO
But hey, maybe it was none of our faults. She just has hissy fits sometimes. She’s a diva.
JOE
They aren’t hissy fits. She’s better than that. But she does act like she’s fluthered. I’d follow her, but you’ve just got to wait it out.
WALT
So Miss Mary’s going to come back?
ELEANOR
WALTER? WHY IS THIS IN THE MINI FRIDGE?
WALT
Uhhh...
NARRATOR
I would bring up the questions that’ll be answered next episode, but I think Walt and Eleanor just did it for me. Plus: What’s going on between Poppy and Beibo - romance, or just slightly better acting than before? And what are my team and I pitching to Mary at the mall? If you’re interested in the answers, stay tuned and download the next episode!