In this holiday episode, Poppy spends December 24th, one of the least scientific days of the year, alone at KOLD Radio broadcasting her show "No More Pseudoscience With Poppy". Will she spend the whole night encased in doubt and gloom? Will her heart grow a few sizes? No matter what happens, you, dear listener, will certainly learn more than you had bargained for about the scientific truths of mistletoe and Santa's reindeer. Don't miss the original holiday carol in this episode!
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini. "Praise the Lord for Science" performed by Pamela Lehan-Siegel, Thor Rogers, Isabelle Rogers, Val Haynes, Tray Hammond, and Emma Paulini, music by Val Haynes, lyrics by Isabelle Rogers and Val Haynes.
In this holiday episode, Poppy spends December 24th, one of the least scientific days of the year, alone at KOLD Radio broadcasting her show "No More Pseudoscience With Poppy". Will she spend the whole night encased in doubt and gloom? Will her heart grow a few sizes? No matter what happens, you, dear listener, will certainly learn more than you had bargained for about the scientific truths of mistletoe and Santa's reindeer. Don't miss the original holiday carol in this episode!
KOLD is written, mixed, and directed by Isabelle Rogers, with tech support by Tim Rogers and music by Val Haynes. The cast for this episode is:
Scott Barkhurst as Joe
Bill Furtick as Conall Kaleo
Tray Hammond as Beibo Suncloud
Pamela Lehan-Siegel as Mary
Emma Paulini as Poppy Valley
Isabelle Rogers as Narrator/Petunia Stonebury
Thor Rogers as Walter Kay
Adrienne West as Eleanor Krakaufsky
"KOLD Theme" performed by Emma Paulini. "Praise the Lord for Science" performed by Pamela Lehan-Siegel, Thor Rogers, Isabelle Rogers, Val Haynes, Tray Hammond, and Emma Paulini, music by Val Haynes, lyrics by Isabelle Rogers and Val Haynes.
THEME TUNE
KOLD, KOLD...
SFX 00:10
Door opens, wiping feet off on mat.
WALT
Feliz Navidad, have a merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, happy holidays...Feliz Navidad- HAPPY HANUKKAH! - Something something, I don't know Spanish, da da da.We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, and a happy new year. Generalized Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings!
POPPY
Oh my gosh. So many motion-controlled animatronics - are they, like, all in Walt’svoice? And- wait, what does the purple possum say again?
NARRATOR (PETUNIA STONEBURY)
Poppy Valley, a biology student who had been awarded a science communication scholarship to make a radio show that almost no one listened to, was alone for the first time at KOLD Radio. It was Christmas Eve, and the radio station was lit only by the blindingly bright colors of the animatronics - the cactus, the dancing menorah, the little Christmas tree, and the purple possum? She found it jarring to walk through the station without the people she’d been bonding with for the past few weeks - bonding with while reluctantly taking on her first acting role since Kindergarten, playing the lead in her boss Eleanor’s romantic drama opposite Beibo Suncloud. She kinda missed his chronic lack of seriousness. She waved her hand in front of the purple possum.
PURPLE POSSUM (WALT)
Generalized Secular Non-Denominational Holiday Greetings! I didn’t want to leave anything out when I recorded my voice for these!
POPPY
That’s cute. Annoying, but cute. Like most of the people I work with here. And it reminds me to include some possum facts in tonight’s broadcast...
NARRATOR
Poppy opened the booth door and sat down. She sat with her annoyingly negative feelings. Then she turned the sound up on the microphone.
POPPY
Hello methodical listeners! Welcome to No Pseudoscience With Poppy.
SFX
A bouncy techno theme.
POPPY
It’s my weekly chance to debunk and disprove eye-catching headlines posing as legitimate science, and to point out a few fascinating facts. Tonight, though, is December 24th, a date when science seems to disappear off the face of the earth. The “holiday season” is generally a time for magical thinking, fables, and lying to ourselves. The scourge of developing researchers and scientists like me, which only gets worse when people label me as a Scrooge for speaking the truth. Tonight, I think I can do some good by reminding you of how little you actually know about the depths of winter.
Let’s start with a persistent concept - that this is the most wonderful time of the year. People seem to think that there’s generosity, wonder, and legitimate magic in the air, and how dare you not be swept up in it? I’m sure this is true for some people. But it’s the blanket statements that get us in trouble, as we can see in the Generalized Holiday Cheer messages that people deliver. In institutional settings, Holiday Cheer messages are often delivered around the week of December 21, despite that fact that, depending on the year, Hanukkah has already ended, and there’s a negligible amount of other religious holidays that week. These Holiday Cheer messages intend to be inclusive, then, but the people delivering them haven’t bothered to do their research. They end up dancing around the fact that they only know about Christmas, whether they celebrate a religious or secular variation. The hegemony of Christmas towers over us all.
So- you may have guessed already that I don’t believe this is the most wonderful time of the year. In fact, seasonal affective disorder, a form of major depressive disorder or bipolar disorder that is triggered by the changing of the seasons, occurs in up to 3% of the general population. 10% of those suffering from SAD have it triggered by the summer months, while the remaining 90% are affected by winter. One of the contributing factors to SAD is a shortage of sunlight in the winter months, which affects circadian rhythms and the production of neurotransmitters. The myth of wonderfulosity - my new term - in the winter months is an example of self-assisted brainwashing, similar to the well-researched concepts of the placebo effect and the self- fulfilling prophecy. If we just believe it’s wonderful, it will be... right?
Winter is tough. It’s cold and dark, it’s a time of agricultural scarcity, and in this time that’s touted to be all about togetherness, many of us are alone. I know I am, as no one else was willing to work today, so Eleanor convinced me to take this time slot at your local KOLD station. It didn’t take very much convincing. No one wants me at their holiday parties. Even Conall’s post-punk band Skratched Esophagus got a gig at someone’s ironic holiday party, but I didn’t get any invitations. Not that I wanted one. And what am I doing, getting so far afield from the science? After this quick commercial break, we’ll stop over in the Locality of Pleasing Facts.
SFX
"Ziffrin Brittenham" and "Werner's Mortuary" play quietly in the background.
NARRATOR
Poppy noticed a note on official KOLD stationary, written in deliberate cursive with a small Santa Hat. Despite her foul mood, she had to open it. Inside was a small note from her boss Eleanor.
ELEANOR
To Science Correspondent / Budding Actor Poppy,
I’m sending these letters to everyone at the station, so you know I’m not giving you special treatment. I know how much you’d hate that. But despite some of the comments about their cheesiness that you make when you think I can’t hear, you’re doing justice to our radio dramas. You play Sonya Winters well. I think you understand love better than I ever have.
As a result of all this, I’ve decided to donate some of the remaining revenue of KOLD to you, Walter, Conall, and Beibo. It’s not much, but I hope it’ll help with your student debt. Or the graduate degree in biology you’ll get. And maybe an MFA in Acting too. If our investors aren’t interested in reinvigorating KOLD Radio... I suppose it’s enough that I invested in the next generation. Well, the next generation and our stalwart companion Conall. Who knows what he’ll do next?
NARRATOR
Poppy stared at the check from Eleanor. Her heart didn’t exactly grow three sizes, but perhaps by 1/8th. There was no scientific evidence that kinder people had bigger hearts anyway.
POPPY
...Alright alright alright! Welcome back to No Pseudoscience with Poppy. Let’s make a trip to the Locality of Pleasing Facts.
SFX
Locality of Pleasing Facts theme tune.
POPPY
I was reminded today to talk to you about possums! We can all learn from their resilience. If they’re in a climbing-related bind, they can easily hang from their tails! And if they need a meal in a pinch, they can eat what we consider bloodsucking nuisances - ticks! Finally, they are unable to contract rabies - their body temperature is far too low to host the disease.
SFX
Rotary phone rings.
POPPY
Oops, I think we’re getting a caller - perhaps from a listener who agrees with me that the existence of actual winter cheer should be thoroughly researched?
SFX
Punk music plays in the background.
CONALL KALEO
Poppy! It’s your creative collaborator Conall! My nurse practitioner aunt who’s a real fan of your show just texted me. You ranted about Christmas cheer and our band playing at a party?
POPPY
Well- it was peer reviewed ranting at least.
CONALL
I’m taking this call onstage in the basement of the Blathering Goat Coffeehouse, and I got my audience to say something for you...HIT IT!
CONALL’S SMALL AUDIENCE
The holidays are a horror, but at least we have music!!
CONALL
Thank you everyone. Most of you are related to me but you know what? You’re here and we’re having fun! And I am more than my day job!
SFX
Punk music blasts louder.
POPPY
Glad to hear it, Conall.
SFX
Poppy hangs up the phone.
POPPY
It’s a shame he reminded me of music. Oh, Christmas music - those spine-tinglingly
repetitive sounds that make me feel like I’m in the Christmas themed Groundhog Day sequel
that undoubtedly would play for eternity on TV if anyone had been smart enough to make it.
The only Christmas song I’ve ever liked is “Don’t Shoot Me Santa”, only because I’m shocked it actually exists. Let’s now turn to a controversial subject in biology- Can plants
learn?
SFX
The phone rings again.
POPPY
What is it this time?
SFX
Cheesy tin whistle and accordion music plays.
JOE
A merry Yuletide to ya, lassie! We’ve just placed our Christmas candle in the window.
MARY
We’re down in Dingle until New Year’s, an’ Joe thought we should try to use the wi-fi
connection to listen to th’ KOLD.
JOE
Huuh, she let me do what I wanted because tomorrow mornin’ we’ll do what she wants - the traditional Christmas Day Swim. Dingle’s a coastal town, ya see!
MARY
I’ve been doin’ it since I was seven years old!
JOE
A morning winter swim wouldn’t even be good in Florida an’ we’re a few kilometers north from there! Anyway, Poppy, when you mentioned Christmas music, I thought we should pop on th’ line an’ talk about Mary’s new Christmas album-
POPPY
Oh, I don’t know if my listeners will enjoy that-
MARY
It’s actually just a repackaging of me old hits...
JOE
Mary’s Miracles! I think I’m a bit too proud of this one.
MARY The last repackaging went gold in Ireland. This one’s just got a different order an’ a remixed version of Let It Snow, with electronic music.
JOE She didn’t want to release it-
MARY
I wanted to sing “Fairytale of New York” this year! It was Christmas Eve, babe... In the drunk tank...
JOE
But we decided she needed to remember the seriousness of the holiday.
MARY
An’ me religious fanbase. I know, luv. Anyway, there’s something we left there at the station
that might change your mind about th’ holiday music.
POPPY
A copy of the Mary’s Miracles album?
JOE
Huuh, well, that’s there too. No, this is a red an’ green record. Ya can’t miss it!
MARY
We’ve got to go, it’s time for our Guinness an’ fried chicken meal!
JOE
A Japanese-style Christmas feast! Merry Yuletide!!
POPPY
Have fun, I guess! I’ll look for that record!
SFX
Poppy hangs up and sighs.
POPPY
You might think I’m in better spirits about the holidays because I’m less alone now! Aha, but you’d be wrong. It’s still a time of rampant disrespect for science, and I still need to tell you about how we’ve been mistreating plants who can feel and learn! Mimosa pudica plants will fold their leaves immediately upon touch or disturbance. In one experiment, Mimosas were placed in a pulley system that dropped them enough to disturb but not harm them. After so many drops and resets to let the leaves unfold, the plants stopped folding their leaves—they learned that the drop wasn’t dangerous and stopped using the energy to curl up and unfold each time. That’s really a significant...
NARRATOR
Poppy finally alighted upon the red and green record planted within the 15 Mary albums at
the station.
POPPY
Discovery. A Christmas surprise, written by Walter Kay, mixed by Joe, sung by Mary, Walter, and...Beibo Suncloud... Dear listeners, I’m going to play a recording of some kind that was intended for me. It was done by Mary and Joe who you just heard, but also Walt, who’s in New Mexico visiting the 4 grandfathers who fight over his attention at the moment, and Beibo Suncloud, who went to Canada to see his great-great aunt...
MARY, WALT, BEIBO, AND FAN CHORUS
In the bleak midwinter
when we cannot agree,
On anything emotional
Cheer for you and gloom for me
But there is one thing
on which we all should agree
The sweet embrace of Science
is good for you and me
Praise the lord for Science
Whatever lord that you believe in...
For science will help all of us,
And delay the need to grieve.
Praise the Lord for Science
If you're confused it will give guidance
Research will bring clarity
So why must we resort to violence?
There are far too many holiday songs
This one aims to do no wrong!
Science taught us mistletoe's a parasite,
Removing it from trees is always right!
When your lips touch under that mistletoe
A parasite just helped your romance grow!
Praise the Lord for Science
Whatever lord that you believe in...
Perhaps a gender-neutral being
That you hold in high esteem
Science taught us about Santa's reindeer
In the winter males' antlers disappear
Female reindeer keep their antlers growing tall
A group of strong women are schlepping Santa's haul!
Praise the Lord for Science
Even if you aren’t feeling pious
We could save so many lives
If we could stop vaccine defiance...
Praise the lord for Science
Whatever lord that you believe in...
For science will help all of us,
And remove the need to grieve.
POPPY
You know... I didn’t change my mind completely... but it’s good to know that my
friends value the function of science.
SFX
KOLD Outro Theme.
NARRATOR
This bleak midwinter, we hope you make a gift as stunning and as socially distanced for your friends and chosen family as the KOLD family did for Poppy. We also hope you praise the lord for science. Finally, we hope you pass this podcast on to everyone you want to surprise and delight. The next episode of KOLD will be the exciting conclusion to The Adventures of Brock and Sonya as well as Season 1 of the podcast. How will Eleanor convince Mary and Joe to invest? How will she find closure in the story of Sonya - and her own love story? And what does love mean for the rest of our motley crew - Mary and Joe, Poppy and Beibo, and even for Walt or Conall or I, Mary’s dutiful fan, Petunia Stonebury? To hear the answers to these questions, stay tuned and download the next episode!