Money Matters and Grief

When the unimaginable happens, and our world turns upside down—there can be a financial implication that adds to the stress. Brian Bickett, a certified financial planner with an intimate understanding of loss, joins us to share his experience. His father's untimely passing and the direct impact on his mother is relatable for those wading through the aftermath of a loved one's death, illuminating the often overlooked yet critical need for financial preparedness and organization. 

Contact:
www.asiliveandgrieve.com
info@asiliveandgrieve.com 
Facebook:  As I Live and Grieve 
Instagram:  @asiliveandgrieve 

To Reach Brian:
Website:  https://imfinancialplanning.com/


Credits: 
Music by Kevin MacLeod 

Transcript

Stephanie: 0:01

Welcome to, As I Live and Grieve , a podcast that tells the truth about how hard this is. We're glad you joined us today. We know how hard it is to lose someone you love and how well-intentioned friends and family try so hard to comfort us. We created this podcast to provide you with comfort, knowledge and support. We are grief advocates, not professionals, not licensed therapists. We are you.

Kathy: 0:26

Hi everyone, and welcome back to another episode of . I have come to really enjoy these sessions, week after week. Not only do I get to meet some really, really cool people and I get to talk to them, but I get to share that conversation with you as well, and I've been looking at the analytics and I know that there are a lot of you out there listening and I really really appreciate that. So so much. So let me hesitate no further. Today, my guest is Brian Bickett and I think you're really going to enjoy our conversation, because we're talking about money. We're talking about money and finances as it relates to you, when you are really at your most vulnerable, and that would be shortly after a death, shortly after your loss when you're trying to put together all the puzzle pieces and you know, when you try to do a puzzle and there are pieces missing, well, you know what that feels like. So, without further delay, Brian Bickett, and thanks for joining me today.

Brian Bickett: 1:29

Good afternoon. I've been looking forward to this opportunity, so thank you for having me on.

Kathy: 1:34

Oh, absolutely, pleasure's mine. Before I actually get started with my questions, of which I'm known to have many, and don't be surprised if I suddenly say here's my toddler question. It's just a very simplistic question that I can't resist asking. So before I get all up into my questions, Brian, would you just tell our listeners just a little bit about your background, please?

Brian Bickett: 1:55

Yes, I started my career as a mechanical engineer, spent some time doing some software consulting and my father, one January, called us rather unexpectedly and informed us he had a brain tumor. We spent the next five months with him helping through that process.

Brian Bickett: 2:16

And after he passed, it was me as the oldest son and the one closest closest to my mother I. was one that helped her sort through the finances and became aware of just how unorganized things were, and how stressful it was to try and sort through that and deal with the emotions, all the emotions tied with his passing. And it was a year after that when I left my career as a software consultant at the time, and started my path to become a certified financial planner with the intent of helping others, preventing others from having to go through that same experience. I can't prevent the emotional side of that, but we can organize and get things put together so that the financial side is not nearly as stressful. That's not where the focus should be at that time at all, and for the last decade that's where I've poured my heart and soul into.

Kathy: 3:10

And I have to just say thank you, thank you. Thank you not just for kind of realizing that some special support was needed when someone goes through this, but also for recognizing it in your own mom, what she was going through, and then being able to convert, seeing and feeling her experience and turn it around, and be there to help others. We all know that our friends and I'm kind of using the term "friends loosely are always ready to give us advice, and one of the last things you need at that point in your life is unsolicited advice by someone who may or may not really know that what they're saying is the best thing for you. So it's refreshing to me to know that, especially women, because for me I feel women are a little more vulnerable in that respect, just because they are so emotionally overwhelmed. And many times in a family, especially the older generations, it has been the man all along that has managed the finances of the family so many, many times.

Kathy: 4:26

I know many couples that are dear, dear friends of mine that I keep encouraging the women please sit down when he's paying bills the next time, learn a little bit, write it down, take notes, otherwise it is going to be devastating. Just another facet in grief and grieving that is going to knock you to your knees. So when someone comes to you, Brian, and you listen to their story and you understand they've lost their spouse and, let's just say for purposes of our discussion today, they have not got a clue where to start or what to look for. Where do you help them start?

Brian Bickett: 5:08

I kind of triage the approach, and so that we first want to make sure that they're going to be taken care of in the short term. W e're primarily focused on the finances, of course, and so we just want to make sure that they've got enough to cover themselves, that they don't have to worry about things in the short term, and then, once we've established that, we start looking towards if we can get our hands on a tax return.

Brian Bickett: 5:34

Or if they've got a folder or a box or a drawer where there's financial information in. We won't ask them to sort through that, we'll just ask them to bring it in. What I've learned through experience is to never sort through that with them in the room. We'll ask them to leave that with us and spend some time sorting that out and just looking for what we can find. And over time we don't find everything. Very rarely we find everything up front. Sometimes it's a year later we get a statement that they didn't know, that they weren't expecting and we had no idea of, but eventually everything comes to life.

Kathy: 6:09

You know there's some great information in what you just said, because I remember someone telling me that the first thing I needed to do was to become a detective. I had to find everything and anything that could be really finances. My husband was not an organized person. He paid things haphazardly when he paid them and didn't keep copies of anything, didn't write things down. So it was a struggle and it was very upsetting to me at the same time to have to find that.

Kathy: 6:40

I like what you said about looking for a file or a box or something and then just bringing it to you instead of me, for example, having to go through it all and making sense out of that. What is this and everything? And I remember an instance where, if someone hadn't made a comment to me at a meeting, at a veterans meeting at one point, I wouldn't have known about an insurance policy that wound up giving me $15,000. I would not even have known that it existed until someone said, " I think Tom had this. And then I knew what to look for and what the name was and everything. And I remember I think I saw an envelope. So the only thing I would add to what you already said so far, Brian, is that, in addition to looking for files and boxes and everything, I would make sure that you grab every single envelope that comes in the mail and don't look at it and think this is junk. Open it, because you never know. Sometimes these companies put the oddest things for return addresses and they make you think that it's nothing or it's another credit card that you are guaranteed. So save those envelopes and look through them as well.

Kathy: 7:53

Okay, so then let's continue. Now you have kind of gone through belongings and file folders and everything, and you've got an idea on what the financial status is for this person. I also really, really appreciate what you said about making sure that she has enough to live on for now, so that she doesn't have to worry about putting food in her cupboards or in her refrigerator. Many women have children they have to worry about too. They need to make sure that their home is okay, that they're not in jeopardy of losing that or all of a sudden having to move or anything. So that's really important as well. But now you have kind of a sense of things. What's the next step?

Brian Bickett: 8:36

Truthfully, t he next step is space and time. I was taught in becoming a certified financial planner, to not to make any decisions within the first six months after someone passes. And having gone through that with my mother, I would say it's six months for some and for others it's a year, and others big decisions get put off even longer than that. And so we just try and feel from them how quickly they're comfortable, to start making some decisions, and we try to reorganize what they have into a way that's going to serve them best. And sometimes that takes six months then wait, and then we can do that over the next six months, and sometimes it takes a couple of years to do that, because there's a lot of emotion tied to it, and when it sources from a spouse that has passed, there's even more emotion tied to that and we don't want to force decisions. Sometimes the right thing isn't the best thing to do financially, but it's the right thing emotionally to do for that person at the time.

Kathy: 9:42

So a financial planner, then, isn't just there to help you sort out the parts and pieces and make sure bills get paid and insurance policies get processed and money brought into the bank and everything. They're also there for the long term to help you determine your financial future. Can you exist on what resources and assets you have as they are, or do you need to find an income? Is that correct?

Brian Bickett: 10:12

That is correct, yes, or maybe the assets that you have aren't located nearby, or aren't being used in the most efficient manner. That's an alignment with what that person's goals are. Sometimes there'll be a deposit, a large deposit from a life insurance policy that's just sitting in a savings account because there's a lot of emotion tied to that. Unless it's a very short-term goal, that's not the most efficient place for that, and so, we just need to realign things as we can, to better serve that person towards whatever their goals and purpose. N ot projecting mine or somebody else's, but what's what they're trying to accomplish?

Kathy: 10:51

Yeah. So you offer them options and let's take the insurance money that Cayman is sitting in a savings account. Some people might just automatically say, oh, I remember my father used to do CDs. I'll put it in CD there are several options when it comes to investing money. So you as a financial planner then could not only tell them what the options are but what the risks and benefits would be for each one, that this one may have a higher return, but the risk is higher.

Kathy: 11:23

And we all know what's happened to the markets in the last few years, up and down, and they've been crazy.

Kathy: 11:30

So that type of information for someone who's not used to the financial aspect of maintenance, securing your future and everything, those things can be very difficult to navigate and I know a lot of people turn to the internet. I also know that you can go to one of my best friends, Google, and you can ask questions about that. But depending on the link you click, that may or may not be reliable information. So I'm going to suggest that one of your best options if you are at a point in your life that it has suddenly fallen to you to figure out your financial future your present and your future that you are much better off going to a certified financial planner to help you with that process. So I'm just going to put that right out there. Now, in addition to all those things, if someone decided that, well, probably they need to sell their house, and that's a really, really tough decision because there are so many memories attached to something like that Are you able as well to tell them some of the pros and cons of doing that?

Brian Bickett: 12:45

Yes, absolutely. We're able to walk through the pros and cons, the tax considerations of doing that and the considerations of if you do move forward with that, well then, what options are there and what are the pros and cons of those options as well. Yes, absolutely.

Kathy: 13:01

Okay, okay, considering trends for a minute over the last I don't know a few years or whatever, have you noticed any trends? In other words, are new widows, for example. Let me focus on them because I'm not new anymore, but I am one. I remember what it feels like For new widows. Are they? Do they seem to be any more prepared with financial information, or any less prepared, or it's just like all over the map. Does that make sense?

Brian Bickett: 13:33

Yes, my experience is that most widows are not prepared. I mean that's I don't see a trend in either direction, it's just it's been a steady. They're not prepared, and so one of the things that came from my experience and working with widows is since then is that we need to have I used to call it a financial piece notebook, got to have something, whether it's a folder, it's a notebook, it's a binder, something that just has where everything's at or where most of the things are at, and you don't have to show anybody what's in there. You don't have to tell anybody the details of what's in there, but somebody needs to know where that's at and that's just the. If something happens, go to the book and that's got all the information. That'll get you started and that's encouraging and sharing my story has given us a pretty high implementation rate of that. I mean, everybody sees the value of that and almost nobody has that. Nobody has that when they walk in the door.

Kathy: 14:36

Yeah, you know this. Actually that's part of one of the reasons that this podcast came to be, because death and grief itself has been, over the years, extremely difficult to talk about, and just like no one wants to talk about dying because of that, nobody wants to talk about the what ifs and what happens after. So they don't want to talk about anything that helps prepare, because then you have to talk about it. And I tell repeatedly the story of my own mother, who was extremely detail oriented. She had every single thing written down and she always wanted to share that with me. Now it's just my brother and I, but he was in Florida.

Kathy: 15:18

I happened to be in the same town as my mother, so I was the one, I was the close one that she wanted to share. So she would tell me she would invite me over to dinner one evening and I knew just as sure as anything that after dinner she was going to bring out that notebook and want to show it to me and I would literally -- y ou know those rescue calls that people employ while they're dating? I would have a friend call me, because I was always on call at work and I would have someone call me, and there would be an emergency at work and I would do that to escape. However, after my mother died, I was so happy to see that notebook and I could only imagine at the time what it must be like to not have that.

Kathy: 16:02

Well, I got to find out after my husband died what it was like to do that. So I've been on both sides and I have to say that, whether it's funeral preparations, financial preparations, whatever the topic is, one of the greatest gifts you can give the people you love is to have things prepared, because at that point they are suffering so very, very, very much. Even if you had five months. I had eight months with Tom after he was diagnosed diagnosed, but e ven if you had five years of cancer and chemo treatments, you are still never fully prepared for the time when they die. So why not suck it up and find something? Do you have any recommendations, whether it's something that your company offers or a product you know of that offers some type of organized application to help people collect this information?

Brian Bickett: 17:05

No, I don't. I wish there was something. I wish there was something I could recommend, but no, I don't. What I've found is most most of the folks that I've worked with has been for them to put their own book together For them, whatever that format needs to be that works for them, for them to put that together themselves. I don't have a recommendation for them.

Kathy: 17:27

What kind of information should they be writing down? Just a list of all the bills they pay, or what? What else?

Brian Bickett: 17:35

That's definitely a good place to start would be a list of bills to pay, a list of the banks, bank accounts, insurance policies, even if it's just the company, the name of the company and the policy number, even if that's all it is. What I encourage folks to do is just to put their, to put a recent statement in the binder and then you don't have to write anything down, Just it's got all the information in there investment accounts, annuities, any CDs I mean really any record that you can leave or assemble that would point someone to start looking in that direction. The more detailed the better. But I also understand and appreciate how difficult it is to put that book together because of what it represents. The one that's going to get used is not a fun time. But I tell clients this is very uncomfortable and as a financial planner it's my responsibility to help facilitate these conversations today. And as comfortable as they are today, it's not nearly as uncomfortable as the feelings are going to be when one of you passes.

Kathy: 18:38

Absolutely yeah. Is it possible? A thought just popped into my head is it possible that if a couple decided that they wanted to do this whether one had been diagnosed with a terminal illness or not, they just wanted to do this for each other, to have it prepared, c ould they retain the services of you or a certified financial planner and have you help them prepare that?

Brian Bickett: 19:06

Yes, absolutely. Most certified financial planners work not only with ongoing clients or with clients on an ongoing basis, but also on a project approach, where it would definitely help facilitate the conversations and the formulation of that information as well.

Kathy: 19:24

Yeah, and as well, I would think you could also help them kind of make sure that if they have money that can be invested, that it's invested in the best place that gives them the best option. So that might be a way that might make it easier for a couple. Perhaps. If they decided they wanted to do this, maybe it would be difficult for them to go through it themselves because all the time they'd be thinking about why they're doing it. But if instead they turned and thought about I'm going to go talk to a financial planner, because at the same time, not only will all of this information get captured in the process, but this is a way to make sure that our assets and our investments are doing the best thing for us. So it's kind of got a double intention.

Kathy: 20:12

The side effect, so to speak, is that you get all that information captured and written down so that if, when should something happen a death then that financial planner is already able to help them because they have all the information. It's just a matter of timing at that point. So that's a side effect. So, listeners out there, think about that. Don't think about doing it necessarily for the after death. Think about doing it now, so that you can continue to have really great lives until that day comes. Does that make sense?

Brian Bickett: 20:45

Yes, and it really rings true with my experience with my father. Open up a little bit into that story and that we would go to my mother's house my parents house on Sundays and do things around the house, as my dad was not able to do it anymore, and my daughter was one at the time and he and her would sit on the couch and watch TV and mom and I would take care of things around the house. And one Sunday, out of the blue, dad just turned to me and said, "is your mother going to be okay? And I, in complete shock, looked over at mom and she burst into tears and ran out of the room. Of course, and dad was adamant, he wanted to know if mom was going to be okay, and I recognize that that was the last thing in the world mom wanted to talk about Absolutely, and that really hurt. It was two weeks before I we got our arms around, not everything, but enough that I could look my dad in the eye and say, "yeah, dad, you did your job, mom's gonna be okay.

Kathy: 21:44

Excellent. Yeah, what a touching story that gives me goosebumps. I love stories like that. Thanks for sharing that. Well, sadly Brian, time is winding down at these 30 minute episodes. They great for commutes, but they always just fly by. They go by so fast in my book. B efore I actually wind up the podcast, I always turn the microphone over to my guests so that you can speak directly to our listeners. Be sure and tell them you know things like company name, what services you can provide, anything you would like them to hear from you without me interrupting with questions. So the floor is yours, go ahead.

Brian Bickett: 22:24

Thank you. I mean I would encourage and piggyback on what Kathy said. The let'smakeaplan. org is a website for finding certified financial planners. Find one in your area that you can go sit down with that will, if nothing else, just do an hourly consultation to help you get things pointed in the right direction, help you get your arms around things. My firm we're in we're located in Rapid City, south Dakota. It's Iron Mountain Financial Planning and the website is the letters I am, and the words financialplanningcom. So it's I am financialplanning. com and we work with a lot of retirees and a number of widows. One of the side effects of working with retirees, is that a lot of them become widows and widowers, so I just encourage you to get an unbiased perspective and help and be careful. If you're using a certified financial planner, they should be unbiased and they're not going to try and sell you products. They're going to try and do things that are in your best interest.

Kathy: 23:26

Again, well spoken words. Thank you so much for that. As always, Brian's contact information will be part of the podcast notes and also on our website. I guess the takeaway for today everyone -- my dad used to say this to me, Kathleen, because I was never Kathy to either of my parents, whether I was in trouble or not.

Kathy: 23:47

Kathleen, in life there are a lot of tasks that you can either do now or do later. Invariably, it's always better to do them now. S o I will just leave that with each of you. By doing it now, you can give a wonderful, wonderful gift to your loved ones. That that is one piece of the grief journey that they can kind of just move through seamlessly if you have that information written down ready to share. So please consider doing that. Again, we've come to the end of another session. I can't wait for our next guest and I am so, so thankful. A gain I say thank you, Brian, for taking time out of your busy schedule to join us today and help us better understand why the financial piece is so critical, because it can alleviate so much of your pain and suffering if it's already taken care of. So it's better to do it now than it is to do it later. Thanks everyone, and come back again next week, as we all continue to live and grieve.

Stephanie: 25:01

Thank you so much for listening with us today. Do you have a topic that you'd like us to cover or do you have a question from one of our episodes? Please email us at info at asyleveandgrievecom and let us know. We hope you will find a moment to leave a review, send an email and share with others. Join us next time as we continue to live and grieve together.