The Alchemy of Loss

What happens when we finally stop running from our grief and instead learn to metabolize it? Grief Tender, Ayla Casey, joins us for a soul-nourishing conversation about reclaiming our power in the face of profound loss.

At the heart of this episode lies a revolutionary perspective: our grief, when properly tended, can transform into nourishment rather than remain as pain. Casey eloquently describes how "healing begins within," drawing a powerful parallel between physical wound healing and emotional recovery. Just as a wound must heal from the inside out to prevent infection, our grief requires acknowledgment at its core before authentic healing can occur.

The concept of "metabolizing grief" emerges as a centerpiece of our conversation. Casey explains that grief lives in our bodies and, like food, must be processed to provide sustenance. When we create space for our grief to move through us rather than becoming stagnant, it can transform into other expressions of love—whether through advocacy, creative endeavors, or deeper human connection.

Many of us have unconsciously "outsourced our power" by numbing or masking our emotions, especially during difficult seasons of caregiving or loss. Casey shares her personal journey of maintaining self-care practices like yoga and journaling while supporting her husband through terminal cancer. These weren't luxuries but necessities that enabled her to remain present through his illness and her subsequent grief.

For those feeling stuck or uncertain how to move forward, Casey offers a refreshing invitation: be curious. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to grieving, but there are countless modalities and practices available to explore. Whether through professional support, community connection, or personal rituals, the path forward becomes clearer when we listen to what our bodies and hearts truly need.

Reach out to Ayla at hello@alchemyforhumanhearts.com to learn about her 90-day mentorship program, end-of-life doula services, or her special workshop for listeners called "The Return Session" focused on reclaiming your personal power during grief.

Contact:
www.asiliveandgrieve.com
info@asiliveandgrieve.com
Facebook:  As I Live and Grieve
Instagram:  @asiliveandgrieve
YouTube:  asiliveandgrieve
TikTok: @asiliveandgrieve

To Contact Ayla:
Ayla Casey's Website
Instagram
LinkedIn
Reddit
Substack

Credits: 
Music by Kevin MacLeod 

Copyright 2020, by As I Live and Grieve

The views expressed by guests are their own and their appearance on the program does not imply an endorsement of them or any entity they represent. 

Transcript

Introduction to Grief Advocacy

Speaker 1 0:02

Welcome to as I Live and Grieve, a podcast that tells the truth about how hard this is. We're glad you joined us today. We know how hard it is to lose someone you love and how well-intentioned friends and family try so hard to comfort us. We created this podcast to provide you with comfort, knowledge and support. We are grief advocates, not professionals, not licensed therapists.

Speaker 2 0:24

We are you grief advocates, not professionals, not licensed therapists. We are you. Hey, everyone, welcome back again to another episode of as I Live in Grief. Thanks so much for tuning in again. I really, really appreciate all of you listeners out there just giving us a shot, listening and hopefully learning and maybe even getting a little inspiration to do something to help you move forward in your grief journey, or maybe to support someone you know who's grieving. Regardless, we've got another great guest for you today. With me today is Ayla Casey, and I'm going to let her introduce herself. Ayla, thanks for joining me.

Speaker 3 1:02

Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here, ayla. Thanks for joining me. Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here, super.

Speaker 2 1:05

Could you start us out by just kind of telling the listeners a little bit about yourself. Who is Ayla?

Speaker 3 1:13

I am a grief tender, I'm a writer, I'm an integrative health advocate, I'm a creative. I'm listening to what I need every day and I'm trying to answer that call. Who's telling you what you need? That's a great question. I listen to my body, I listen to my heart and my biggest mission right now, in this current phase of life, is to deepen that connection so that I can feel as connected as possible to myself and my inner voice.

Speaker 2 1:49

Super. Did you ever have a day that you were listening and heard nothing? And if so, what did you do about that?

Speaker 3 1:56

Well, I know I've never heard nothing. I have heard too many things, though. Okay, there have been. There have been days where there's no shortage of noise, and I think probably we all can relate to that a little bit in the world that we live in today, being so full of notifications and messages and sound, and 24-hour news cycle and things that are pulling at us from every direction, and those are the things that I think it's most important to try to tap into self than really hear what is being called for on an intimate, personal level.

Speaker 2 2:39

Absolutely. I agree with that. I asked a similar question to another guest some time ago and what they told me was well then you're probably not really listening. And I had to think about that and then I thought well, sometimes it's true, because sometimes we just let our mind get filled with so many things and many of us know we're not particularly good at taking care of ourselves. We're not particularly good at taking care of ourselves, so sometimes you don't really in your subconscious, I think, my opinion only that you really don't wanna know what you need to do because you don't want to do it.

Speaker 3 3:15

But I think that a lot of compassion is called for there, because we've been conditioned to mask and to numb the hard and painful parts, the truths of ourselves, as well as the circumstances we've been through, the memories that we have or situations that you know maybe didn't go the way that we would have liked them to go, and we feel a lot of pain when we think about that. Sure, so I think that it's not totally. There's not a place for blame or fault in this. It's something that has been sort of created within the world that we live within. I think it's really important work for us to be courageous and to find what's underneath the masking and the numbing. Anyway, right.

Speaker 2 4:04

And did you ever have an argument with yourself? When you listen to yourself and you got some direction? I'm thinking, for example, like somebody in their early days of grief and you're sitting on the couch and you might know, your heart tells you, your brain tells you I really have to get up off this couch and go take a shower and put on some green clothes. Did you ever argue with yourself that? But I don't want to, I don't want to do anything? Did you ever have that kind of a conversation with yourself? I think that in those times.

Speaker 3 4:34

For me, what's been most helpful is to become like my inner, like mother, and be the person that I need to say the things that I need to hear, and even if that advice doesn't necessarily embody what my actual mother would say, that's not really important. What's important is to be the person that I need to be and that I need me to be, and I think that being kind to my future self and that's myself in one minute, five minutes, two hours and tomorrow and next week being kind to my future self isn't sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and not showering and not taking care of myself. Right.

The Power of Self-Compassion

Speaker 2 5:22

Yeah, good point. I think I did that in my early days. But eventually in your grief you kind of reach a point where your thought process goes more like I don't want to live like this anymore. You know you realize that you've been kind of stagnant, that you haven't done some of the things perhaps that you know you should do, and you're ready to kind of get up and move along. So it's probably more important at that point to really listen to yourself, because many of us find ourselves in the position, when we grieve us having to kind of redefine ourselves. Everything we lived before doesn't happen anymore the routines and everything, and even the people that you participated in those routines with no-transcript.

Speaker 3 6:38

So to ask myself is whatever it is that I'm doing in an effort to not feel how I'm feeling? I wanted to be present with what I was feeling because I have been through life experiences of masking and numbing and I know that that isn't kind to my future, right right and some of the effects of masking and hiding. Well, I mean, you're just pushing it down the line a little bit and it tends to get heavier and harder the further you push it.

Speaker 2 7:10

Yeah, that's very true. I have a personal story that many listeners have heard most of the parts and pieces, but probably about 50 years ago. That'll help set my aging stone. About 50 years ago I was pregnant with my very first child and got to the hospital and all of a sudden, in the midst of my labor, my temperature spiked. It was determined I had a very high fever and they had to deliver the baby by forceps and at first they told me that the baby was not alive. The baby did not survive. Then, a few minutes later, they came to me and said the baby was alive. They had resuscitated him and we're in the process of whisking him off to another facility where they had a NICU that was prepared to take care of him because of his needs at the time. But I wasn't to worry. Well, short story is, within 24 hours my baby boy expired. He died.

Redefining Self After Loss

Speaker 2 8:07

I never because of the century, because of the time it was. There were no smartphones, so I had no picture. I had never. They had never brought him over for me to see him, I had never touched him or held him and, again, no photos, so it was like it never happened. And then society's way of dealing with it then was suck it up, move on, and I did so. I realized after I started this podcast that, gosh, I had kind of stuffed that for almost 50 years and now suddenly it's all back to me and I've been grieving that loss in the last few years. That one is really peculiar because I didn't feel anything for 50 years. But boy, it hurts now and I have so many regrets. I regret that I didn't say I want to see him. I don't think that 20 seconds would have made a difference in his life, but it might've made a difference in mine. That's why I asked about masking and hiding. It's just not good. It's not good self-care.

Speaker 3 9:05

Well, I think it also is a means of outsourcing our power.

Speaker 2 9:10

Oh, I like that I like that Outsourcing our power. Can you clarify a little for the listeners?

Speaker 3 9:16

Yeah, I could talk for hours about this, so let me see if I can whittle it down into a little bite-sized summary. I've been thinking a lot about this concept of outsourcing and how, in a lot of situations in my life, I have realized that others have been outsourcing their pain to me and it was sort of an unspoken agreement that I didn't realize was happening and I was masking and numbing and suppressing that pain because I didn't know what to do with it.

Speaker 2 9:50

Okay.

Speaker 3 9:51

And in an effort to reclaim my power, I realized that you know our feelings. They want to be heard, they want to be listened to, and that doesn't mean reacting to them. It means being present and intentional and hearing what's happening inside and allowing it to move through us, and I think with grief in particular. But all emotions, they're in motion, just like us, just like the natural world around us, and when grief, or any other emotion, gets stagnant and gets stuck, that's when it becomes problematic for us.

Speaker 2 10:33

Yeah, yeah, and is that or should? If you sense that that's what you are is stuck, isn't that a good time to reach out, maybe for some professional help, or not necessarily?

Speaker 3 10:45

Professional help is one way, but I've also found that we have a lot more, a lot more power within ourselves to listen and to move things within than at least I knew growing up, and I think that there is a huge opportunity for people to sort of claim their power. There is professional help available. There's also self-practices that can be adopted that can be really supportive in these periods.

Speaker 2 11:17

Can you give us an example of one or two self-practices, maybe?

Speaker 3 11:21

Sure, I think that in my case, while my husband was battling terminal cancer, something that I had to learn was that I had to take care of myself in order to be able to show up and take care of him, and that was, for me, in my case, adopting a regular yoga practice. For me, in my case, adopting a regular yoga practice and physical movement became something that allowed me to be able to the energy around in my body. And another really integral practice has been journaling, and journaling without expectation, allowing the words to flow out of me without judgment or without a expectation of an outcome, and without an editor, exactly, yeah, and without revisions. Just let it come through, right.

Speaker 2 12:13

So you were actually practicing self-care when you were caregiving. I had to Okay and were you able to carry that through after your husband died.

Speaker 3 12:24

I was and I am, as I mentioned that when he passed away I knew that it wasn't a time to mask or numb, but it's something for me that it started before he passed away. You know, I was masking and I was numbing while he was sick in the beginning of the journey, was sick in the beginning of the journey and I could not face the thought of he and I were eternal optimists and we believed that there was a possibility for him to survive his cancer but I could not face myself and the reality, the possible reality, that I might regret squandering away the time that I had with him by not totally present. Right, right.

Speaker 2 13:09

Yeah. On the other hand, I wasn't thinking about taking care of myself as my husband was going through his illness. He had a brain tumor, also cancerous. I didn't pay much attention. I had a few people suggest to you, no, you need to cure yourself. But it wasn't until it was well, almost too late that finally I realized that I needed to do something and I wasn't going to be able to care for him much longer. Even my own physical status was in jeopardy at that. So it is very important, while you're caregiving, if you find yourself in that situation, that you try to establish something to take care of yourself. And I don't mean necessarily just to be any petty, I mean something ongoing, like journaling, like yoga, going to church, whatever. Because that also especially if you're engaged in an activity where there's a group that can also provide some much needed support right, absolutely.

Speaker 3 14:06

Healing happens in community. Healing happens by being witnessed, and I think that we can't undervalue the impact of being seen and mirrored while we're going through the hardest moments of our lives.

Healing Begins Within

Speaker 2 14:22

Right, right. One of the phrases in your profile that really stood out to me was healing begins within. Now I know from. I've spent a lot of time in the medical field, not as a practitioner, but in administration, doing transcription whatever and I have read so many times about people that have had a wound and it has healed. At the top, the skin, the outer skin healed first, leaving the open wound underneath and infection started. And I remember many, many times hearing doctors say you can't do that, they would have to open the skin because it's got to start healing within and run heal to the outside. And you mentioned that. Can you kind of explain to our listeners? I think I know what you mean, but just to be sure that they've got that concept, can you kind of explain to them what you mean by that, as it relates to grief?

Speaker 3 15:15

Absolutely. I think that the, you know, emotional and spiritual landscape is one in the same with the physical landscape, and we you know, just like you mentioned, that a wound can fester on the inside, even if it looks okay from the outside. The same is true with emotional and spiritual wounds, which happens when we lose people that we love, or even when we're grieving the loss of a job or a marriage or a future that we planned for. That is no longer able to be possible, that we planned for, that is no longer able to be possible. There are many types of grief and I think that it is our responsibility for us to hear what's happening on the inside, allow that pain to be expressed so that it can begin to be healed from the core, so that it can begin to be healed from the core and not just from the surface. It is feasible, maybe for a time, to pretend everything's okay and to go about your life as if nothing changed, but it very likely won't be sustainable long term.

Speaker 2 16:35

I agree with that completely, and I also want to kind of say that you mentioned journaling, and I actually teach some classes on journaling and writing when you're grieving, just as a release. What I want to add is, sometimes it's helpful too if you have people that you know that are extremely supportive and somebody might say to you quite innocently what can I do to help you? I find it's almost magical to say well, perhaps if you have a few minutes you could just listen and then talk. Talk about who you lost, say their name many times, talk about some of your favorite memories, talk about something that frustrated you while they were ill. Just talk, talk, talk, because whether you write it or whether you speak it, getting those thoughts outside your system helps a lot in your healing, would you agree?

Speaker 3 17:24

with that A hundred percent. That is, for me, what I'm talking about when I'm saying grief needs to be in motion, and I also you know it's allowing yourself to be witnessed, and I also you know it's allowing yourself to be witnessed. And that's exactly what you're doing, whether you're journaling or you're speaking to someone trusted, whether it's a family member or a close friend or a therapist or a types of support out there. And I would say to everyone to be curious about what kind of support works for you and what you need, Because not everything is for everyone, but there is lots of different avenues out there. There is something for everyone.

Metabolizing Grief Into Love

Speaker 2 18:14

It's interesting that you say that and I like that a lot. Be curious, because I have recently labeled myself an experiencer that if I had a guest on the show that talked about well, actually one talked about some energy healing that was popular in England at the time. So I kind of sought it out and I tried it, I experimented with it and I mean I've tried hypnosis, I've tried past life regression, I've tried many things to find out what might help me. And it's kind of fun to be curious and think about those things, even if you only do your research on the internet. But there are many, many people out there that practice modalities that are very, very unique. And now practice modalities that are very, very unique. And now I will say some of them are not easily affordable, but some of them might offer, like a free workshop or a free 20-minute session or something.

Speaker 2 19:08

Sound healing is certainly something that's easily affordable and maybe it won't help your grief, but who knows, maybe it'll help you relax a bit and at the time maybe that's what you needed. So I love that phrase be curious. One more thing I saw in your profile that stood out to me well, several things did, but this phrase also metabolizing grief. Now I think of metabolism in relation to my body. How does it relate to grief?

Speaker 3 19:35

Well, grief lives in the body and we are constantly receiving data and information in the world through our senses and we have feelings that arise as a result, our emotions that arise as a result of the media that we consume, the environments that we live in, the relationships that we have. And, just like the food and physical sustenance that we consume, we also, our bodies, process and metabolize our experiences and our emotions and our relationships. And so when grief, for instance, gets stuck, we're not able to metabolize it and it remains in the form of being grief. But in metabolizing it, we're able to transform it back into. It could be another form of love, it could be advocacy, it could be memory, and it's a really beautiful process that can happen. Similarly to how our food nourishes our body, our grief can also nourish us. Wow, that's beautiful.

Speaker 2 20:48

That's very eloquent. I like that. You should record that, put it out there. I think a lot of people need to hear that. Okay, now one of the questions I get asked, probably more than any other questions how long does grief take? Now, knowing that each of our bodies has different metabolism, doesn't it also fit that we're going to metabolize our grief differently as well, and what might be six months for one person could be a year for someone?

Speaker 3 21:16

else. Of course, person could be a year for someone else. Of course, healing is not linear and I like to think about it more in terms of a spiral. You will find yourself on a day where it's least expected or something hits you, you know, and it could be like it could be something that you see, a song that you hear, or just something that reminds you of something, or maybe you can't even really put your finger on what it is. That brought this up again. But it's okay, it's part of our journey and I think that just honoring the, honoring what life delivers us, is um is one of the really beautiful parts of being human. I recently heard a quote that I'm going to try to remember, the verbiage along the lines. It's something along the lines of be open to the curriculum that life presents to you.

Services for Grief Support

Speaker 2 22:08

Oh, I like that. I'm going to have to search for that quote. I wonder who said that. That's very interesting. It's quite a refreshing perspective to think about life as a curriculum, but when you think about all the things that are placed in front of you day after day after day after day, there are some really that are lessons to be learned, whether it's because you've made a mistake or made the wrong decision and kind of have to correct it and go forward, or whether it's just something that piques your curiosity and you go forward.

Speaker 2 22:38

A lot of people also ask about signs, and you just mentioned be open, and that's one of the things I say a lot is that the signs sometimes are there. Did you ever drive down the highway and all of a sudden you missed your exit? You missed the sign. The sign was there all the time but for some reason you just weren't focused. So signs for our loved ones that we've lost, that have died, signs are going to be there, and maybe it's only a sign that will trigger a memory. It's all okay. Those things, they can actually put a special feeling in your heart at the time that have that special memory that just pops up all of a sudden, I'll get them, and sometimes they make me smile, sometimes they make me a little sad, but at this point in my grief, most of them prompted memory that just makes me smile.

Speaker 2 23:23

I went to a choral concert the other night and every single song on their list of songs on the program brought back a memory from my childhood. Every single song. I ended up open to that, ready for an evening of music. I would have missed all those great memories. It was quite a night and something I've never experienced before. Maybe one song, but not every single one. That was great fun. Okay, this is the time of the podcast now, where I actually turn the microphone over to my guests. So this is your turn to take the floor. Tell our listeners what services you offer, tell them about your website, anything you want. This is your turn and the floor is yours. Thank you very much.

Speaker 3 24:07

I have a number of services that I would invite anyone who feels called to visit my website, which is alchemyforhumanheartscom, to learn more about it. But I'll tell you a little bit here. I offer a 90-day mentorship program where I will guide you and create a container with you so that you can explore with curiosity what your self-practices are that are supportive in helping you metabolize your grief, your emotions, your environment, the world around you, and to develop that deeper connection with your voice and with your heart. And I am also an end-of life doula. I work with those that are going through a sacred transition from the physical realm to the spiritual realm and I work to create a container to support that person and their family in developing the experience that will bring them peace. And that sometimes means having conversations about what they want around, like who they want around, what they want that day to be like for them, and just having the conversations and making decisions that sometimes you don't think about until maybe it's a little too late. And I also work with people on developing their legacy what is most important for you in this life and how do you want to be remembered? Even if you're not facing your transition, it's never too early to start thinking about that Right. Absolutely.

Speaker 3 25:53

And as a special for your listeners, I am offering a special workshop called the return session, a one on one workshop for limited number of participants to uncover where your power has been outsourced and what is wanting to be heard from within. That's intriguing. So you can reach me by emailing hello at alchemyforhumanheartscom, or you can visit my website, which again is alchemyforhumanheartscom, and I would absolutely love to hear from you. And if you have any questions, feel free to reach out. Or you can find me on Substack, and again, I'm Alchemy for Human Hearts on Substack as well. That's super.

Speaker 2 26:44

And I just have to comment and I want the listeners to hear this that the perspectives, the concepts and everything that you talked about today, you've done so so eloquently that I know I'm going to have to go back and listen to the podcast instead of thinking what my next question is, because I fear I might have missed something very important in your explanation and everything. Also, I want to remind the listeners that all of your contact information, your website, everything, all those links will be part of the podcast notes, so they don't have to worry if they didn't have a chance to write them down. Maybe they're driving and didn't have a pen or pencil handy or paper. It's all okay, just look at the podcast notes.

Episode Closing and Resources

Speaker 2 27:26

Reach out to Ayla. I think she's an intriguing personality. I think she's very patient, compassionate. I don't think you would go wrong in being curious, about being curious. So for now, I want to remind everyone again take care of yourselves. I say that every time I close an episode. I mean it, and I hope in listening to Ayla today you may have gotten some more insight into self-care and what it might mean for you not for everyone, not for your neighbor and what it might mean for you not for everyone, not for your neighbor, but for you personally, and I'm going to repeat again that phrase be curious and come back again next time. We'll all continue to live and grieve. Thanks, ayla.

Speaker 1 28:12

Thank you so much. Thank you so much for listening with us today. Do you have a topic that you'd like us to cover or do you have a question from one of our episodes? Please email us at info at as I live and grievecom and let us know. We hope you will find a moment to leave a review, send an email and share with others. Join us next time as we continue to live and grieve together.