Introvert Emergency Kit
Click here if you're ready to become a less anxious, more charismatic public speaker.
When it comes to public speaking, what exactly are you afraid of?
Most people I talk to don’t explore their fears at all – and this makes them worse.
The thought of public speaking brings up such uncomfortable feelings that they try to ignore them or stuff them down – which is why they continue to suffer from speaking anxiety, one of the most common fears in the world.
How is an amorphous ‘fear of fear’ holding you back and keeping you quiet?
I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach. By the end of this episode, you will know:
So no more holding in what you want to say and then internally screaming when someone else voices what you’d been thinking. It’s time to start feeling more calm and confident when you speak.
Let’s dive in.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
Live Without Borders Substack
Introvert Emergency Kit
Click here if you're ready to become a less anxious, more charismatic public speaker.
When it comes to public speaking, what exactly are you afraid of?
Most people I talk to don’t explore their fears at all – and this makes them worse.
The thought of public speaking brings up such uncomfortable feelings that they try to ignore them or stuff them down – which is why they continue to suffer from speaking anxiety, one of the most common fears in the world.
How is an amorphous ‘fear of fear’ holding you back and keeping you quiet?
I’m Sarah Mikutel, your communication and mindset coach. By the end of this episode, you will know:
So no more holding in what you want to say and then internally screaming when someone else voices what you’d been thinking. It’s time to start feeling more calm and confident when you speak.
Let’s dive in.
Let’s continue the conversation. Head on over to my blog on Substack for more content on how to thrive through better communication, Stoicism, and global exploration. That’s right, blogging is cool again. Over on the Substack platform, you can chat with me in the comments and I have plenty of bonuses for paid subscribers. Or, you can read new posts for free.
Live Without Borders Substack
When it comes to public speaking. What exactly are you afraid of? Most people I talk to don't explore their fears at all, and this makes them worse. The thought of public speaking brings up such uncomfortable feelings that they try to ignore them or stuff them down, and this is why they continue to suffer from speaking anxiety. And this is one of the most common fears in the world. So how is an amorphous fear of fear holding you back and keeping you quiet? Hi, I'm Sarah Micotel, your Communication and Mindset Coach, and by the end of this episode you are going to know what you're really afraid of when you say you don't like public speaking, how anxiety manifests in your mind and your body, and why not managing it is so harmful. You'll know the beliefs underlying the four different flavors of speaking anxiety and you will learn stoic practices you can do to let go of anxiety so you can more eloquently express your thoughts, feelings and ideas. So no more holding in what you want to say and then internally screaming when somebody else voices what you had been thinking. It is time to start feeling more calm and confident when you speak.
Speaker 1:During his first inaugural speech in 1933, president Franklin D Roosevelt said the only thing we have to fear is fear itself. The United States was in economic crisis. Millions of Americans were unemployed, businesses were failing and people were panicking. Roosevelt knew that fear and anxiety were exasperating the crisis. People were withdrawing money from their banks, making fear-based decisions, and this made the economic situation worse. And more recently we saw a similar panic during the COVID pandemic, when people were hoarding groceries. And this idea that our worries about a future event are often much worse than the actual event itself. This goes back at least to the ancient stoics. Nearly 2,000 years ago. Seneca said we suffer more in imagination than in reality. This is true for public speaking as well.
Speaker 1:The fear of speaking in public is worse than actually speaking in public. People come to me and say I hate public speaking. I've always hated it, but I'm at this point in my career where I need to move past this. I'm sick of anxiety. It's holding back my career. It's tinder my relationships. I just don't know what to do with this fear. But what are they actually afraid of?
Speaker 1:Often, we carry a vague sense of anxiety or apprehension about speaking up without giving any consideration to what's really concerning us. The first step in addressing the Samorphous Fear is to name it and bring it into focus. Ask yourself what exactly you're afraid of when it comes to speaking up. Is it the fear of being judged, saying the wrong thing, not being heard? Maybe it's something else. When you get more specific about your fear, you can demystify it, you can challenge its validity and you can make it more manageable.
Speaker 1:Pay attention to how speaking anxiety shows up in how you think, feel and act. If you're feeling anxious about speaking, you might struggle to find your words, find it difficult to focus, speak with a shaky voice, speed up your rate of speech, fidget, avoid eye contact, criticize yourself, assume other people are judging you. You might start sweating, tremble, blush. You might stay quiet.
Speaker 1:The anxiety, nervousness and self-doubt attached to our fear. This blocks our ability to communicate. We worry we'll make mistakes, forget what we want to say and that our audience will judge us fears that are often not based in reality. This rumination can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. When our fear of failure makes us so nervous that we stumble over our words and spin out, our confidence takes a hit and we stay in a loop of assuming the worst, and then we deliver on that. The cycle continues.
Speaker 1:Not learning to manage your speaking anxiety can have major impacts on all areas of your life. People might think you're not interested in them or the work that you do. You might sit out on opportunities you really want to try. Plus, the constant stress is bad for your mental and physical health. But the good news is that you can learn to get a handle on your anxiety and become an excellent speaker. The first step is figuring out what makes you nervous in the first place. You may feel more anxious depending on who you're talking to, what you're talking about, the type of communication scenario you find yourself in, and there's also a genetic component to this. You might feel fine going to a party where you won't know most of the people, but have a panic attack about the speech you're going to give at your friend's wedding.
Speaker 1:There are four common types of speaking anxiety, which researcher James McCroskey calls communication apprehension, and he defines this as fear or anxiety associated with either real or anticipated communication with another person or persons. Public speaking anxiety is one of the most common fears there is, and it's not limited to speaking on stage. People panic in all sorts of communication situations, including meetings, interviews, even casual conversations, when someone feels the spotlight is on them. I can definitely relate to that. The four types of communication apprehension are trait-based, context-based, audience-based and situation-based. If you want to become a more confident and competent speaker, consider which audiences or communication scenarios trigger your anxieties so you can follow strategies to manage them. Here is an explanation of each type Trait-based anxiety People with trait anxiety were likely born predisposed to feeling anxious about speaking.
Speaker 1:In most situations, for example, you feel anxious whenever you speak, whether it's with a friend or in a formal situation. Context-based anxiety this depends on the specific kind of speaking scenario there is. So you might generally feel very comfortable having one-on-one conversations with your colleagues, but if you have to present in front of all of them at once, you usually feel nervous the change in the context of your communication. So discussion versus presentation this is what triggers the anxiety. Then there's audience-based anxiety, and this is based on the presence of a specific person or group of people. It's not about the kind of communication or where you're doing it, but who you're actually talking to. For example, you might feel fine presenting ideas in front of your team, your immediate team, but panic when sharing the same ideas with your board of directors. If you identify with this, ask yourself why you might feel anxious in front of certain audiences. Is it fear of judgment? If you're getting a bad review, fear they'll find out you don't know what you're doing. Being asked questions can clarify your fears and help you combat them.
Speaker 1:Then there's situation-based anxiety, and situation-based anxiety comes about during specific, more one-off circumstances rather than ongoing fears based on audience or environment or how many people are going to be there. For example, you might really enjoy one-on-one conversations most of the time, but you're on a first date and now you're really freaked out and your heart is pounding, at least at first. After a few minutes you're probably going to be fine. So where does communication apprehension come up for you? Is it when speaking with somebody who seems higher status or who you perceive to be more successful, speaking in front of a large audience versus one-on-one giving a toast at the wedding? Maybe you're always nervous when it comes to public speaking or speaking with anyone, so does it depend on the audience, the context, the situation? Was this a trait that you were born with? What are you actually afraid of when you're speaking in public? Start thinking about fear as a challenge. That will help you grow instead of a permanent obstacle. And, by the way, if you would like, in-the-moment pep talks to help you through communication anxiety. Grab my introvert emergency kit. The link is in the episode notes.
Speaker 1:Let's really break this down using Stoics psychology. More than 2,000 years ago, the Stoics practiced challenging the unhelpful thoughts that popped into their minds. They said we really need to dissect our worries and our vices, to see them for what they really are. They took a lot of inspiration from Socrates, who famously said the unexamined life isn't worth living. This means getting curious about our world and also what is happening in our own minds. Most people accept their thoughts as facts, but thoughts are simply your opinions based on your experience. What do you believe? Why you open to changing your mind? What is guiding you? Who is influencing you?
Speaker 1:We can use the Stoic theory of emotions to manage our speaking anxiety. Their framework says this is how humans operate. Something happens, something makes an impression on us. Then we take a step back and evaluate our first impression. When we ascent to this impression as being correct or we don't agree that it's correct and if we do ascent to it and agree that our impression is true, then we feel an impulse to take some kind of action. That is the ideal scenario where we're taking time to evaluate our initial impressions. Often people just skip that part and immediately accept that what they're thinking is true. And when they're agreeing to these irrational thoughts, that's when full blown passions can occur. And passions, in Stoic speak, are negative emotions. There are positive passions as well, but that is a story for another time. Here's an example.
Speaker 1:Let Stoic Lee break down Michelle's fear of presenting in front of her colleagues. Michelle is the story here. She spent hours the day before revising her slides on her team's latest product launch. She knows her stuff, she has a great relationship with her colleagues. But as she stands in front of the room before the meeting begins, her heart races, she starts to sweat and now she's panicking. She's not going to be able to think clearly. These involuntary sensations, or pre-emotions probithiai, these aren't in Michelle's control. But what comes next is but these pre-emotions? They are instinctual.
Speaker 1:Michelle's fight-or-flight response is kicking in to keep her safe. Stoic said that this is a natural part of life. This is totally understandable, but then we need to take a step back and bring the rational part of our brain back online. Michelle has received an impression that she is not safe. The next step, according to Stoicism, is to evaluate that impression. Is it true that she's unsafe? No, it's not true. Michelle is not going to ascent or she's not going to agree to this impression. So she reminds herself that she is safe and, to help, she does some belly breaths to help her relax. And she also imagines that her legs are like solid tree trunks with roots in the ground. Let's take this a step further. Why does Michelle feel unsafe when she journals about this?
Speaker 1:Later she says that she worried her colleagues would think she was dumb. But as she writes this she realizes that this thought doesn't make any sense. Her colleagues have always given her high marks on innovation and outstanding performance. So Michelle has evidence to challenge the unhelpful thought that her colleagues think she's not smart. So she's definitely not going to assent to that false idea. But let's say that she just started the job and doesn't have any of those great performance reviews yet. Because she's new, michelle can still replace her unhelpful thought that she thinks her colleagues think she's dumb with a more useful thought. Like I worked hard on this presentation and I know my colleagues want to hear this information Again.
Speaker 1:A thought and impression exist in Michelle's mind that her colleagues think she's dumb, but she reflects on this. How true is this? What evidence is there? There's not evidence, because they don't know her well enough. So she doesn't assent to this false impression. Instead, she focuses on contributing to her team instead of being preoccupied with what people think about her. She is applying wisdom, a core stoic virtue, to her situation and she is exploring the root causes of her fears.
Speaker 1:Michelle knows that courage isn't the absence of fear, but the willingness to act despite it and to seek to understand herself better, including her anxieties, her triggers, her reactions. Stoicism encourages you to embrace your current circumstances, no matter how challenging they might be. Focus your energy on what you can control and accept what you can't. You can control your response to public speaking anxiety, such as your mindset and your willingness to confront your fears, but you can't control external factors like the reactions of other people. So you can have influence, you can prepare, but ultimately the final control is out of your hands.
Speaker 1:Let's really stretch our minds here and imagine a version of the story in which Michelle starts a new job and her colleagues do think she's dumb, or their words give her that impression. So, while presenting in a meeting, michelle's colleague Carl says you don't know what you're talking about, and Michelle's heart starts racing and she thinks this is bad. They don't like me. And she ascends to this impression and starts believing this is bad. And then she starts feeling anxiety and sadness. But what if Michelle had given her time to pause and reflect on her situation? Instead of automatically believing the impression, she'd realize that her new colleagues don't know her and the comment that she perceived as hurtful was made out of ignorance and isn't true. She would realize that she doesn't need to value ignorant statements above her own opinion of herself. She can let go of the panic that this is a bad situation and proceed with more calm. She could even respond with a joke like tell me how you really feel? Or ask a question what gives you that impression? She can also consider Carl's perspective. Maybe he thinks she only got hired because she's the CEO's niece and he assumes she doesn't deserve her job. Maybe he applied for it. Maybe his mom is on her deathbed. She doesn't know.
Speaker 1:Michelle doesn't need to let people walk all over her, but she can engage from a place of calm curiosity instead of defensiveness. This is how you effectively build relationships and lead. Of course, this kind of stoic mindfulness requires practice. Most of us would be angry if somebody said I don't think you know what you're talking about in front of a bunch of people, and this is because we are assenting to the impression that this is bad, that our value has been tarnished. But this is a thought error.
Speaker 1:Other people's words can't affect your character. You are in control of the kind of person you are and no one can take away your value. Otherwise known as arite I love that word that means personal or moral excellence. The stoic said that virtue is the only good and vice is the only bad, meaning that virtue is the only thing that is always good, no matter what. You can substitute personal excellence or value or moral character here whatever word you want to use. For example, they would say money isn't always good because it can be used to fund a war targeting civilians. You can fill in whatever variable you want here, but you, living with arite, that is always a good thing, living as your best self.
Speaker 1:So is Michelle's situation a bad thing? The Stoics would say that Carl's comment was indifferent, meaning that his opinion doesn't change who Michelle is as a person. It doesn't affect her moral character. Of course she would prefer that he welcome her and treat her kindly how she wants to be treated, but this is a preferred indifferent. It's not ultimately in her control. Furthermore, epictetus would say Michelle, why do you want to impress Carl so much? Yesterday you were talking about what an idiot he is. So why is his opinion so valuable and accurate all of a sudden? Why are you chasing the approval of crazy people? So there is a stoic paradox for you. They say try to understand people and see the world from their point of view, and also don't privilege their opinions of you above your opinion of yourself, especially if these are people you don't respect. Final tip if you are like Michelle and you know you get nervous in certain situations and that's most of us you can prepare in advance.
Speaker 1:The Stoics practiced the premeditation of adversity. This involved imagining obstacles that could come up in specific situations and how they would manage them, and professional athletes do this today. The Stoics were not panicking about the bad things that could happen. They were calmly contemplating these adverse scenarios and how they would deal with them. This is very different from worrying about the future. The Stoics practiced rational thinking, knowing that most things that come up are indifferent again, meaning they're neither objectively good or bad and they're not the end of the world.
Speaker 1:This exercise helps you see that the worst case scenario is usually not as bad as you think, and it reminds us that most situations are beyond our control, and it's how you respond in the moment that's important. It's the quality of your character, it's who you choose to be. So if you blush in a meeting or forget someone's name, or someone calls you out in a meeting, this isn't a catastrophe. Michelle can brainstorm all kinds of circumstances in advance of her meeting and she can think about how she would deal with them, from someone shouting a nasty comment, which isn't likely to happen, to feeling anxiety in her body before a presentation, which is highly likely. This mental preparation will help you respond more calmly and confidently in real life situations. To sum all this up, when you are faced with something you're afraid of, like public speaking, remember this is a universal human experience. We all have fears and insecurities, so have compassion for yourself. You don't have complete control over the initial flutter of nerves or how others will perceive you, but you do have control over your mindset and how you interact in the world. You choose the values you want to live by If you want to speak more confidently in front of a room, online and in social situations, without becoming a sweaty blushing mess with a stress headache.
Speaker 1:Get in touch at sarahmygattelcom or click the link in the episode notes. It is time to stop letting performance anxiety silence you and stress you out. You have what it takes to be a calm and confident speaker, so let's start now, sarahmygattelcom. Book a consult. Let's talk about your communication goals and how you can become the charismatic speaker that you want to be. No more playing small. It's time to speak up.