Dames & Dragons 07. Festival of Lights (Part 7)

As the old saying goes: when life gives you a bathroom, turn it into a devastating hole in the floor. This week on Dames and Dragons, the Guardians check on their party friends, lie to another attendant, and seek help from the Greater Beasts. Fran is a rude daughter. Laika is a bus driver. Corbin is an ant.

✂️ Arc 1 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: KAT

FRAN THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by NOEL

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by SOPHIA

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by KAITLIN

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 7 – Festival of Lights (Part 7)

Kat: Hi there! Welcome to Dames and dragons, a 5th Edition actual play podcast with our lovely all lady cast. I am Kat, I am a  true neutral human druid 

slash sorcerer, two levels in each.

Noel: I’m Noel, and I am a lawful good human paladin at the 4th level.

Sophia: I am Sophia, and I am Neutral good Gnome paladin, 3rd level.

Kaitlin: I’m Kaitlin, I am a human fart.

 [everyone laughs]

Kaitlin: -1st level. But I know a lot of cantrips. I know the hot brown dump.

[Kat laughs]

Kaitlin: I know the sound of the deadly. I know-.

Kat: Oh god.

Kaitlin: - What kinds of farts are even are there?

Noel: Anyway,  The reason why we are talking about this ist that Kat sent us all a link to a quiz asking what kind of D&D character you are based on your personality and Kaitlin never took it. [giggles] So she’s a human fart, Level 0.

Kaitlin: I’m level 1, excuse you!

Kat: Negative 1.

Kaitlin: You gotta have something to be a fart.

Kat: Negative 2.

Kaitlin: You gotta have something-

Sophia: Negative 3.

Kat: Everytime you speak I am taking a level away [laughs].

Noel: Negative 4.

Kat: Okay, No let's be real! Hi I’m Kat. I’m your dungeon master.

Noel: I’m Noel, and I play Fran who is a genasi wizard.

Sophia: I am Sophia and I play-

Kaitlin : A Robot! 

[All Laugh]

Sophia: -Laika, A paladin.

Kat: What’s your race?

Sophia: I am tiefling and I’m level 4.

 [all laughing] 

Kat [Mockingly]: I am Tiefling.

Sophia: I am doing my best you guys .

Kaitlin: I am Kaitlin, a human... fart, and I play Corbin, who is also a human druid, and recently leveled up to level 4.

Kat: Oh yeah! We leveled up!  That was supposed to happen last episode, but these people are butts who don't-

[Party Giggling]

Kat: -These people are butts who don’t - I tell them things to do and they just don’t..  Just don’t do them. Now we finally got that settled.

Noel: Kaitlin, both a butt and a fart. Behold the duality man.

[All cackle]

Kaitlin: Can’t have one without the other folks.

Kat: What comes first? The butt or the fart?

Kaitlin: I think the butt.

Sophia: I think the fart.

Kat: Real chicken and the egg.

Sophia: Gas became before the butt

Kaitlin: I don’t want to get graphic here

Noel: The birth of the universe-

Kaitlin: You need the cheeks! To get the meth-methane!

Kat: Universe is the fart!

Noel: Methane Gases exploded into space, Okay?

Kaitlin: You know what? That is a fair and true scientific answer and I can see.

Kat: Oh god, okay let's play some D&D.

[Guardians Theme (festival of lights) plays]

Kat: Okay where were we? What happened last time? You guys threw a sick party . If I remember right.

Kaitlin [deep voice]: Yeah we did.

Kat:  You guys were told to go to the library did some research. You guys discovered information about the history of the temple construction especially of the prison and the undertemple.  So you Learned about the gods, about Torva and the Vioni some of the main villain gods who may or may not be on the island.  Who knows? They certainly were at one point. So, last thing that happened last time, you were visited by a  sending from the Goddess letting you know she is currently being kept in quarters and not allowed to leave. So what do you want to do? Are you hung over from your  sweet rager? What's going on?

Kaitlin: We did not partake.

Noel: We didn’t drink. We were seeking information.

Kaitlin: All business.

Noel: Let's check what happened to that one lady.

Kat: You guys want to check on Allia?

Noel: Yeah.

Kat: You guys go down to the staff quarters and it's just a series of dormitories in which the attendants live. You ask around a little bit to find out Where is Allia’s room. And she does have her own room, cause she’s old, she’s been here a  long time she's got the tenure. When you guys knock there is no answer.

Sophia: Oh.. really?

Kat: No answer.

Noel: Open the door.

Kat: It is locked.

Kaitlin: I am going to crawl into an ant. [Laughter] I am going to pilot an ant through the door like Antman. No, I’m-

Noel: That is not how Antman pilots ants! He never uses them as skin armor!

Kaitlin: I don’t  want to get into semantics about Antman. Alright?

Noel: Paul Rudd, why?

Kaitlin: I use wild shape, and I turn into an ant, and I crawl beneath the door. 

What is there?

Kat: The room looks like it has been sacked. Bed linens are overturned. There’s  books all over the floors from the shelves.

Kaitlin: There not like threat that would attack me if I turned back?

Kat: No-Roll a perception check.

Kaitlin: Gosh, shouldn't’ ask questions..

Kat: You shouldn’t-I guess you should.

Noel: Never ask questions for the rest of this campaign.

Kaitlin: I learned my lesson, I’m gonna pretty much Stop now. I got over 20 but not natural.

[Funky mysterious music starts] 

Kat: You don’t see any human threats, or animal threats or monster threats or anything. You do notice on the floor that there are some Some runes carved into the floor. It looks like This Was once a very nicely decorated room. Again, She’s been long time she’s kinda put lot of herself into it, you don’t  see that in a lot of attendants’ room because so sequestered to the life of the temple. But, everything's been overturned. There are broken bottles from potions that were on the shelves. The bed is overturned; The bed was ripped opened too. It looks like someone was searching for something. They were searching pretty intensely.

Noel: For her. Inside the mattress.

Kaitlin: Inside the mattress.

Kat: What do you want to do Antman?

Kaitlin: You said that there were runes on the floor right?

Kat: Yeah, there are runes.

Kaitlin: They’re not close enough, if I turned I would Bb on them right? 

Kat: If you are not an idiot about it!

Kaitlin: I smartly turn back into a human.

Kat: Okay. And don’t step on the runes?

Kaitlin: And I don’t step on the runes and I unlock the door-

Corbin: You guys, Be careful There are some magics hoodads on the floor

Kat: Hoodads?

Kaitlin: Some hoodad!

Noel: I fling open the door and say

Fran: Hoodads there?

Kat: I’m going to have roll Reflex checks 

[Groans from Kaitlin]

Noel: Oh there booby traps on the door...

Kaitlin: I got a 16.

Sophia: That’s a 10.

Noel: I received a f-our. 

[All giggle]

Kat: Each of you, Laika and Fran, you guys each take 2 points of electrical damage. [Sounds of acknowledgement] Yes, The door was booby trapped.  The second you walked through you got hit by lightning that came out of the door frame

Sophia: That’s fair.

Kaitlin: My bad guys

Kat: That’s fair?

Noel: I’ve shockingly grasped a lot of people in my day. I accept this.

Kaitlin : Your comeuppance.

Noel: Does anyone recognize the runes?

Kaitlin: Yeah I was gonna say.

Kat: That would be an arcana check.

Noel: Let’s check,  I [rolls] got over 20.

Kat: Oh yeah, Fran.

Kaitlin: I got a critical 1.

Kat: [trying to hold in laughter]Corbin, you think you do Recognize them. 

You are pretty sure it says. Hamburgers. Over. Here.

Corbin: Hamburgers over here!

[Giggles]

Corbin: You guys there are hamburgers in this room somewhere!

Kat: Fran, you see that the runes have already been activated. There were more  lightning they’ve already been set off.

Noel: Are they inert now?

Kat: Yeah, they are inert now.

Noel: I tell my friends.

Laika: Wow

Corbin: I was wrong about the hamburgers you guys

Sophia: Can we do a search of the room?

Kat: Yeah, yeah o an investigation check.

Sophia: That’s an 8.

Kaitlin: I got a 4.

Noel: I got an 8, I guess.

Kat: With an 8, you find a stack of burnt books.  They were thrown into a fire  at some point and then retrieved. It looks like whatever was written in them there are a lot of notes in the margins. You can’t read any of it, it's all eligible at this point. The one word that you can read is the name of the Force Iol, which is the Force of Death. 

Noel: Does it look like she took her things with her or?

Kat: No it does-it looks like all of her things are in here and they are just trashed.

[worried noises]

Noel: Worried about our friend. Is there any other place that we see, someone could have left through?  They left through door and just left it booby trapped probably?

Kat: All of  the windows in the temple are magic’d glass. So that light comes in but can’t see in or out of them.  Protected so you can’t break them. 

Sophia: Can we check in with the Goddess since she sent us a message? 

Kat: Her rooms are upstairs, they are near your rooms. But, there are two guards standing outside her room. They are dressed as normal guards but like, the armor is all there but there might not be exactly human form under it? 

[All sounds of curiosity]

Sophia: Can I open up my Divine Sense?

Kat: Divine sensing, you don’t get much of a reading off them. Looking at  Alignment wise, true neutral. Which is kinda-grey haze-which nobody is. Not to this extent. They definitely-There is something very off with them.

Noel: We are hidden right? We’re not going right up to them.

Kat: You did not say that.

Noel: Let's do that.

Kat: Roll some stealth checks.

Sophia: [sarcastically] Alright.

Noel: [rolls] These two fail horribly but I didn’t.

Kat: Here’s what happens: Fran, you peek around the corner, and go “yeah something is wrong” and stay around the corner. You two dumb shits. You go, 

Corbin: SOMETHING IS AFOOT! 

Kat [Cackles]: And both guards, their heads swivel to look directly at you but 

they do not move.

Kaitlin: That is more disconcerting than if they had moved.

Sophia: Can we-act natural? Can we deceive them? 

Kat: You can attempt to act natural, Why don’t you roll for that?

Sophia: What is that? Performance?

Noel: That is undoubtedly deception.

 [everyone laughs ]

Sophia: [Rolls]  I got a 10.

Kaitlin: 16.

Kat: You guys do your best to act cool. You are walking like normal dudes. Or 

what you believe what a normal dude walks like.

Kaitlin: I walk like a robot? 

Sophia: Say-

Laika: Hey, something is wrong with my friend.  He took this weird herb he’s just been walking funny. We need to see Cordelia cause I think she’ll know what's wrong with him. And... What's going on with him.  What's going on with you guys? [snort]

Kat: They don’t say anything

Laika: Cool! So we’re just gonna go in!

Kat: As you attempt to go in spear that they are carrying and cross them in front of the door.

Kaitlin: My robot arms kinda slap at them.

Kat: You wanna roll an attack roll for that?

Kaitlin: No I don’t want to hurt, I just seem discombobulated

Kat: They don't respond at all.

Kaitlin: Push them a little bit.

Kat: They give when you push them, but they stand right back up. They feel 

kind of squishy when you push on them.

Kaitlin: I’m going to pretend to barf and you roll with it, alright?

Sophia: Yeah I’m following you.

Corbin: [barf sounds]

Laika: Oh Gross… Come on.

Corbin: [Barf sounds continue]

Noel: That how you would react barfing?

Sophia: I guess?

Kaitlin: She’s dragging me away.

Kat: Pretending to throw up, Laika you give them a “got to get him to the bathroom” and pick Corbin up under arms and start to drag him away.

Kaitlin: I’m like kicking.

Kat: Kicking and pretending to barf. You drag around the corner to where Fran is.

Sophia: Explode the door?  

Noel: What’s this building like?

Kat: On this floor, there are only the quarters of the Goddess and your guys’s quarters. Her’s are directly across from your guys’s. It is a very long large hallway. Her quarters, her personal quarters takes up the majority of the floor. The only thing above you guys right now is the Aviary tower. Below you guys is prayer rooms.

Noel: Okay, I wanna go downstairs..

Kat: You guys head downstairs to the floor of the sequestered prayer rooms. And find the one, to the best of your knowledge is probably below the Goddess’s. It’s pretty easy guess which one her quarters take up an entire side of the building. The one you go into, the little prayer room. So it's smooth white stone. It looks like all the rooms here look like its cut out of this material. And this is all of the building in Estra are.  Because it's built up so much and the buildings so tall made using magic-using Stone Shape to create these buildings. All that’s in the room is one large window that you can’t see out of and no one can see in, but there is light coming through. There are four small mats to kneel on as you pray. And that's really all that's in there.

Noel: There’s no-Not even any seams on the ceiling?

Kat: Nope.

Noel: Can I use Enlarge and Reduce to reduce the size of the ceiling above me?

Kat [uncertain]: I mean, Sure?

[all giggles]

Kaitlin: Oh my go-od. 

Kat: If you wanna Reduce the ceiling.

Sophia: I’m just going to just leave the room.

Noel: You guys just leave the room. I’m going to do it from outside.

Kat [Sighing]: So you do that, the ceiling shrinks to about the size of a dinner plate I guess, whatever is 1/8th size of that ceiling is breaks into a bunch of pieces . Then followed by it is a large stone tub, a  toilet, some towels, a whole bunch of bubble bath. And the bubble bath is followed very quickly  by running water-

Noel: Alright

Kat: - as it seems that you have broken the plumbing

Noel: That’s fine.

Kat: Bubbles are just everywhere.

Noel: Hold on, I’m gonna freeze that pipe.

Kat: So now you’re there.

Noel: Let’s go up there!

Kat: Destroyed her bathroom.

Sophia:[enthusiastically] Spider climb! 

Kaitlin [excitedly ]: Spider climb! Gains the ability to walk up down ceilings hands free. So you can just literally walk on your feet. So we can just send one of us up there. And then retrieve her basically.

Kat: Who do you want to send?

Kaitlin: Who wants to go?

Noel:  I think Laika should go-

Sophia: Okay.

Noel: - cause she’s Strong

Sophia: Stab someone.

Kaitlin: Where do you want me to touch you?

Sophia: Just my arm.

Kaitlin: Okay. I touch your arm.

Kat: I’m so glad.

Laika: Thanks I feel great!

Sophia: I immediately climb like a spider

Kaitlin: Yess.

Kat: Everybody is Horrified.

Sophia: Everybody looves it.

Kaitlin: I like it.

Kat: Did you climb up all the way to the ceiling of the-

Sophia: Of the bathroom.

Kat: Of the bathroom. Oookay, so you’re on the ceiling. She’s definitely not in bathroom.

Kaitlin: Good, that’s probably a good thing.

Kat: There is a large doorway to the left,  like a big archway with flowing white curtains across it. To the right, there’s a small door with, you know, a door and a handle and all that.

Sophia: I’m gonna peek in archway. 

Kat: You can see into the other room. And this look kinda like her main bedroom. There is a  large circular bed and beautiful view out of these windows. But she’s not in there.

Sophia: I’m gonna leave. No one else is in there, right? 

Kat: Not that you saw, no.

Sophia: I’m just going to crawl to the small door, still on the ceiling-

Noel: Come get one of us!

Sophia: Okay, So I go down and say.

Laika: Hey guys, who wants a Ride?

Noel: First one and than the other.

Kaitlin: Me.

Sophia: I grab Corbin by his boob window and just carry him up [Rolls]. That’s 

pretty good. That's 22

Kat: You definitely carry him

Sophia: [giggling] I just throw you up

Corbin: Oof

Kat: You definitely carry him.

Sophia: Then I climb back down.

Fran: Me next me next!

Laika: How do you want me to do this?

Noel: I will take a piggy back ride, Wheeee!

Sophia: [Rolls] Awesome, s0 that’s 20.

Kat: You give Fran a piggyback rideup there, Laika.

Noel: [Happy noises]

[crosstalk]

Kat: To the small door you said?

Kaitlin: Can I do a perception check on my own, for that room?

Kat: Sure.

Kaitlin: [rolls] Well I got 8.

Kat: No, you don’t see anything there.

Kaitlin: Is there another door, beside the one that I’m in?

Kat: You mean like looking through the Goddess’s room? Yeah, there’s several other doors. From her bedroom you can see there is an archway into  what looks like a small library. All the windows you can see beautifully out. There is an archway to another room full of windows. It's been adorned with incense, an altar, and that’s clearly sort of the prayer area. And going towards the hallway there's an archway you can see a dining room is set up in there but still no people. You do not see anybody else.

Kaitlin: In any of the rooms?

Kat: No.

Noel: I hope this other room through the Bathroom isn't the Goddess’s super 

bad diarrhea room. 

[All giggle]

Kaitlin [in Corbin’s voice]: Don’t we all have seperate rooms for our diarrhea? Separate from the main bathroom.

Noel: Yeah.

Kat: Yeah, I do, you don’t?

Kaitlin: I’m saying , I do!

Noel: Oh, I was about to say, you animal!

Kat: Okay, Laika and Fran are you going to check out the small door?

Sophia: Yeah, should we just open it?

Kat: You open it and it is a servants passage.

Sophia: So do you guys think?

Noel: I pull on Laika’s horn as if it were a string in a bus and I say-

Fran: Let me off here!

Sophia: I go-

Laika: Honk honk.

Sophia: And then I let you off.

Fran: Thanks pal.

Kat: 

Sophia: And then I say.

Laika: Have a good day.

Sophia: Like a bus driver.

Noel: I’m now standing in the servants passage.

Sophia:  Should I get Corbin, then?

Noel, Sophia, and Kaitlin: Yeah.

Fran: Please go get Corbin.

Sophia: The bus comes on over.

Corbin: I’ve been waiting stop for hours!

Laika: All aboard.

Corbin: That's right, I’m coming.

Kaitlin: I climb onto you.

Laika: 3 gold.

Corbin: I waited for too long.

Laika: I’ll catch you later.

Kaitlin: Imma-I sneak on to you. 

[All giggle]

Kat: Fran? While these two are bickering and you are distracted, you hear a scream from behind you. An attendant in a Crow veil is there and she just dropped an entire basket full of towels. She goes-

Crow attendant: What is going on? What are you doing here?

Noel: I smile and wave and I say-

Fran: Oh hi there!

Crow attendant: I thought-I thought that no one was allowed in the Goddess’s chambers right now? What's going on?  We heard a loud crash and-

Noel: While she’s talking, I cast Minor Illusion on the door behind me so it looks normal.

Kat: The whole room?

Noel: So it doesn’t look like it fell apart [laughs].

Kat: Okay, sure, sure-

Crow attendant: Wait, Do I hear...water running? What is going on?

Kat: And she-

Laika: I’m peeing!

Kat: She walks past you to walk into the room and just falls. Cause’ there is no floor anymore.

Sophia: Can I do a dex save to try and- 

Kat: You’re not close enough to save her.

Noel: She’ll take some damage, but she’ll be fine.

Kat: She screams and freaking out down there now.

Noel: That's fine, she’s not our problem anymore, let’s run!

 [all laugh]

Kat: The passageway leads downstairs and leads to the room where they bring things before they bring it up to the Goddess. It's a  servants utility room. Still no Goddess.  You’re back now in the main part of the temple. You’re out of her chambers.

Sophia: She’s not in there, what does it mean?

Kaitlin: So you said it seems empty doesn't necessarily mean it is empty. I think we should go back and check all the rooms.

Kat: So you guys go back?

Kaitlin: I just want to be thorough.

Noel: Is that lady still down there?

Kat: Yeah she’s still down there as you’re coming back.

Noel: I freeze her feet. I freeze the water. She cannot move. 

[All laughing]

Kaitlin: Actually, while she’s down there, I yell down

Corbin: Where’s the Goddess?

Kat:  This woman, Who Probably looks like a Halfling woman.

Noel: I’m sure she’s very nice.

Kat:She’s very nice and she’s just sobbing. Terrified out of her mind. 

Crow Attendant[Sobbing]: What. Is. Going. On. Why are you doing thi-iiss.

Fran: Hey, it’s an emergency situation. We’re looking for Goddess. And we have reason to believe that there are untrustworthy people in the palace so we are going to need you to help us out.

Crow Attendant [while Kat holding in laughter] :I don’t understand. Why did you destroy the bathroom?

Fran[passionately]: I. Hate. Bathrooms!

Noel:  And I laugh and wink.

Fran: Listen, was the Goddess in here?

Crow attendant: I don’t know. They- Cordelia and Cecelia just said to leave things outside the door. That the Goddess was not to be disturbed before the Festival? [sniffles]

Fran: Outside this door?

Crow attendant: Yes?

Noel: Okay.

Kaitlin: Alright, let’s bounce.

Kat: So, you’re going into the Goddess’s main quarters again?

Fran:  Hey, just wait a minute. We’ll come back and let you out like pretty soon Don’t worry. That’ll unfreeze in an hour if something happens to us.

Kat: She’s just crying. So you make investigation checks?

Noel: Okay. [Rolls] I got over 20.

Kaitlin: Nope.

Sophia: I got 14.

Kat: You do find a couple other service passageways. Each one has passageways that lead to very similar staging rooms. There isn’t -you’re just-She’s just not there!

Kaitlin: She’s like not in prayer room?

Kat: She’s not in the prayer rooms, she’s not there, and none of attendants are there either.

Noel: Does Laika Divine Sense anything? Cause she’d be a Blessed presence wouldn’t she?

Sophia: I would also be able to Register- you also detect a presence,  place or object that has been consecrated or desecrated. So-

Kat:  Oh, yeah! Actually, when you go into her prayer room, you sense that altar when you go into desecrated. Nothing physical you can see but its  A evil sense coming from the altar. 

Laika: Altar smells bad. 

Kat: What does it smell like? 

[Ominous music starts]

Laika: Just, nasty dank gross.

Kaitlin: Does it smell like when dudes smell like sweaty meat?

Laika: Oh gross. Yes. Just sweaty meat with underdump hot browns!

Kat: That what it smells like. That is what evil smells like I guess.

Noel: It’s on its way to an Axe commercial. This is what evil smell like. And 

then Terry Crews jump through the wall in a priest’s uniform.

Kat: I’d buy it.

Sophia: Should we examine the altar?

Noel: [rolls] I got 18.

Kaitlin: I rolled a critical fail.

Sophia: Better than mine.

[Ominous music continues]

Kat: Fran, it looks pretty normal at first. But you do notice that it has been moved, fairly recently. You can see there are lines on the floor where the altar has been pushed back before. So when you push it back, or actually more accurately you tell Laika to push it back for you.

Noel: Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Kat:  And you see engraved on the floor is the image of a broken tower.  It’s about the size of a silver dollar. I’ll have you all roll Religion checks.

Kaitlin: I have 15.

Noel:  I got over 20.

Kat: Fran, you realize that its Mark of Torva. [Ominous music ends]

Fran: Yeah, its Toorvaa!

Laika: I knew I smelled his musk.

Corbin: It’s that sweaty meat man smell. 

Laika: He needs some Axe. Sponsor.

Kat: So do you unfreeze that attendant that you left frozen?

Noel: Oh yeah, oh yeah.  Hold on, First we got to talk to her.

Fran: Hey lady, what’s your name?

Crow Attendant: Redroof.

[Laughing]

Kat: Yeah she’s a halfling woman, her name is Red-roof.

Fran: Redroof? That is a beautiful name.

Kat: Yeah, its Redroof Oatstreamer.

Noel: I’m gonna roll a deception check for this. I say,

Fran: Redroof? That is a beautiful name.

Noel [giggling and rolls]:  And I succeed on my deception check. 

Kat: That’s a 19, yes.

Noel: She believes that I think that.

Kat: She believes you think Redroof Oatstreamer is a beautiful name.

Noel [still giggling]:  But I don’t.

Sophia: I think its really cute!

Noel: Anyway, I say-

Fran: Listen Redroof, what really need you to do is not tell anyone we were here. Because we need to find the Goddess. And if people working against us find out, we may not be able to.

Redroof [surprised]: The Goddess is missing?

Fran [regretfully]: Um...

Red roof: I don’t understand, what’s going on?

Corbin: Can I step in?

Kat: Y eah, roll Perception

Kaitlin: [Rolls] I got, 14.

Kat: Continue your uh-

Kaitlin: I’ll make it realistic.

Corbin: There was just a mix up with the guards and attendants and that someone taken on her daily walk when she’s supposed to be in her prayers right now. As you know not supposed to be bothering her. We just want to make sure, you know, everyone knows what their jobs are. No one is going to get fired but there will be some consequences unfortunately. Not for you,  You’re completely safe, you’ve done a wonderful job.

Laika: Well if you tell people you could get fired.

Corbin: Well if you tell them you could get fired, yes. We just want to make sure-this sort of thing looks bad to the public we want to keep it on the DL. It’s nothing serious. Just a little bit of oopsy-daisy.

[Sophia Giggles]

Red Roof: Why did you take out the bathroom floor then?

Corbin: Well, uh…

Fran: I told you, I always hated this bathroom.

Noel:  And then I wink again.

Corbin: It’s been scheduled for remodeling for years. Fran was just helping me out with the cost of demolition.

Red Roof [confused]: Okay-I guess?

Fran: Oh sorry, sorry did I not unfreeze your feet yet? Oof, my mistake.

Noel:  Then I unfreeze them.

Kat: She’s, looks like she’ll, at least not tell anyone who would care.

Noel: Cool.

[28:19]

[insert interlude here]

[31:20]

Kat: So, what else do you guys wanna do?

Kaitlin: Well, somebody’s gotta know where-

Noel: I mean, we can ask mentors if places there’s where the Goddess goes 

when she’s, you know, in danger?

Kaitlin: I think we should look where Cordelia is too? Because obviously like-

Sophia: Maybe mentors then Cordelia, or Cordelia and then mentors? Those are our options it looks like.

Kaitlin:Do we know where Cordelia is?

Kat: No.

Noel: No? I mean we could check her quarters? 

[sounds of affirmation from the party]

Noel: I would be really surprised if she was there.

Kaitlin: Me too.

Sophia: Fart on her pillows.

Kaitlin: Yeah, we could! We could go fart on her pillow.

Noel: Yeah, let’s do that really fast.

Kaitlin: Let’s really fast, I eat like 20 tacos before we go because I really want to 

get the juices flowing.

Kat [sounds of disgust]: So y’all go and fart on Cordelia’s pillow.

Sophia: Yeah.

Kat: Cool.

Noel: Alright, let’s go.

Kaitlin: Now we go.

Noel [In Fran’s voice]: To the forest!

Kat: So you guys head out into the forest. It takes you guys a little while to find it because you haven’t- I mean besides Fran- you guys haven’t really been out in the city all that much. It gets a little confusing trying to find your way back to the center of the city where the Great Forest is, but you make it. And as you enter the Great Forest, it feels like coming home. As much as the city is cool, it’s like as soon as you enter the forest, just everything goes quiet. You can hear the sounds of the birds and the rustling of the leaves in the wind. It’s just like you finally are able to take a deep breath in for the first time, since you left the forest. So which camp do you guys head to? Because there is the Wolf clan, the Deer clan, the Crow Clan and they’re all in kind of in different parts of the forest. 

Sophia: What’s closest?

Kat: The Deer clan is the closest.

Fran: We don’t gotta bother with the deer clan-

[Laughter]

Fran: -  My mentor’s dead so...

Sophia: Is there someone else there?

Kat: Oh, there’s all sorts of different teachers.  Teachers there and also the 

greater beasts. Who-They probably know some shit.

Sophia: We could go talk to the greater beasts of the Deer?

Noel: Ugh fine.

 [Party laughs]

Sophia: You don’t like your own clan?

Noel [Takes a deep breath in]: It's complicated so.

Kat: So you guys go to the Deer clan. The Deer clan Lives in a clearing by a lake. The lake has a waterfall that flows into it. It’s very serene. There are a few normal deer just sort of grazing around the edges and sitting in front of the pond. In the Deer clan, there are Three greater animals. 

Noel: How do we know that they are the greater animals?

Kat: The greater animals are Quite a lot bigger. That is the main thing. They are probably half and again larger than a normal animal of whatever species. Aaand, Cosu and Vesrin are the two greater animals you see there. Cosu looks up as you enter the clearing.

Cosu [slowly and serenely]: Franika, what are you doing back here so soon?

Noel: I just take a long shuddering sigh, and I give my amulet to Laika and I go jump in the lake.

 [Everyone laughs]

Cosu: Oh dear, I see she’s still... that way.

Laika: What's going on? Did you ...cross her?

Cosu: No, Franika has never truly embraced our way of life here in the clan of Cernuunis. Of what service can we be to you young guardians?

Laika: We are looking for the Goddess.

Cosu: That’s your job. Did you fuck it up already?

Laika: No...Maybe? Look, we think some of her attendants are worshipers of Torva. We found a symbol on her altar, it was desecrated and so we came here since we didn’t know what to do at this point.

Kat: At this point now, Vesrin comes over-

Vesrin [Angrily]: Torva?!

Laika: Excuse me, Torva?

Vesrin: Torva is here?!

Cosu: Darling, please, we don’t know anything for sure!

Vesrin: We know that Torva has always been here, has always been-

Kat: He just sorta stops and shudders, and gives a big snort and paws at the ground.

Cosu: Please, keep your temper. Now, tell us from the beginning, what is happening in the city.

Sophia: So we tell her what's going on.

Kat: You guys give her a summary of what's going on.

Noel [laughing]:  I start constructing an elaborate fountain in the lake.

Cosu: Franika dear, your fountain is beautiful.

Noel:  I shape water into a middle finger. 

[All cackle]

Cosu: [dissapointed] Oh, okay. That’s very troubling to hear. That Torva’s involved. [sighs] And you do not know where she is now?

Laika: That’s why we are here!

Cosu: Oh dear...

Kat: The whole you’ve been explaining and Cosu’s been talking, Vesrin is getting more and more agitated. He is pawing and he’s pacing, he’s snorting and tossing his head. And he goes-

Vesrin: Enough! Enough!  We have to find her. We have to go eradicate this presence. I will not see another invasion.

Noel: I hop out of the lake [Laughs]

Sophia: You like this guy.

Noel: I take my amulet back and I’m like-

Fran: Vesrin, old buddy old pal! Listen, the thing is we gotta be cool about this. Cool and collected. I think if we-

Vesrin: Franika please! You are not yet equipped to deal with this. You’ve only been a  guardian for a week!

Fran [strained]: -Okay.

 [Party giggles] 

Fran: I hear you.

Sophia: I’m standing over by Corbin. Like the awkward people who are watching a family fight.

Kaitlin: Watching a Horrible family fight, yes!

Sophia: And we’re like-

Laika: Oh cool what’s this on the ground?

Kaitlin: I’m very easily emotionally disturbed I have to grab Laika’s hand cause I just need-

Sophia: Can I still spider climb?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Sophia: I spider climb us into a tree

 [Everyone laughs]

Kaitlin: Yes yesyes.

Noel: I say-

Fran: Listen, I know you never thought I was good enough. You made that  abundantly clear.

Vesrin: You’ve never taken your duties seriously!

Fran [quietly]: That’s fair-

[All Laugh]

Fran [ angrily]:-but listen, I’m trying to take my duties seriously now, and if you start bursting into the city guns blazing, its gonna fuck everything up!

Cosu: What’s a gun? 

[Everyone Laughs]

Noel: I flex my biceps.

 [Everyone continues to laugh]

Kat: Fair enough fair enough.

Vesrin: Then what do you propose we do, child?

Fran: Damn alright! I propose you give us some time!

Vesrin: And every moment we give you, Torva slips from our grasps!

Fran: What’s your plan to find people?

Vesrin: Raze the City! 

[all snicker]

Corbin: It’s already been risen! Cause it’s-

Kat:  No one responds

Sophia: I say-

Laika: Noise!

Noel: I say-

Fran: That’s a bad plan! You’re here to protect the mortals that live on Estra,  not destroy their lives by destroying the city

Cosu: I believe that Franika has some points Vesrin. Perhaps a more subtle touch would be appropriate. Should we not call the other greater beasts for a meeting?

Vesrin[frustrated]: Fine! Fine, Call them. [noises of annoyance]

Noel: I give thumbs up, jump back into the lake and I have the water give a thumbs up too.

[Giggling]

Sophia: We come down.

Kaitlin: Yeah, we climb down.

Kat: Cosu tells one of the attendants to sound the horn. And there is a loud bugling horn that is sounded. And a few minutes later very quickly, four great big crows arrive. They are the same size of Berger-Jerger, you know, roughly the size of a boxer dog.

 [Party Giggles] 

Kat: -And then, not too long after, two wolves emerge from the forest. 

Sophia: I’m hanging with those dudes.

Kat: Yeah you, well you know them! You know the greater beasts of your clan.

Sophia: I’m sniffing their butts.

Kat: Yeah, say hello.

Kaitlin: I’m screaming at the crows and they’re screaming back at me.

Kat: Nice. Nice.

Kaitlin: [Crow noises]

Kat: The crows is Oola, Minsma, Severio, and Cornelius. The wolves names: Zerun is male wolf and Naya is the female wolf. Zerun, the wolf, says-

Zerun [croaky]: Why have you called us here?

Cosu: The guardians have discovered some... very troubling developments in the city . Worshipers of Torva have infiltrated Goddess’s attendants.

Zerun: What clan do they hail from?

Laika: Deer clan.

Kat: The crows and the wolves all look towards the greater deer

Zerun : They are of your clan?

Kat: And then, Oola of the crows pipes up:

Oola[outraged]: Once again, failure from the deer clan! Will you not take responsibility?

Cosu [carefully]: It’s not our way... to show discipline, unless we have good reason. We cannot know ...how to proceed until we know where the bad seeds have been planted.

Zerun: You speak in riddles. Accept responsibility for your failures.

Cosu : Do you know the names of the attendants, young guardians?

Laika [Uncertainly]: Cordelia and...Cecilia?

[Party giggles]

Kat: Some muttering amongst the clans

Cosu: Cecelia ...I have not heard her name... a long time. She was always a bright student. It saddens me to hear... that Torva has gotten his claws... into her.

Laika : We should be clear, that we actually think that it maybe Vioni?

Cosu: Vioni...what proof do you have of this?

Sophia: I look at Corbin.

[Kaitlin sounds of disbelief]

Kaitlin: Uh, I look at Fran.

Noel: I’m in the lake.

Kat: She’s in the lake.She’s gone

Laika: Just a lot of suspicion? 

[Kaitlin giggles]

Laika: We saw the symbols, and they were super rude and they were acting really weird. Something bad is going down.

Noel: So the reason we think its the Vioni is because Allia told us it was the 

Vioni’s vessel that was imprisoned in the Undertemple. And the Undertemple is where the shades that attacked the Goddess  came from. It’s also suspicious, I guess that Cecelia and Cordelia  have made reference to worshiping a male deity, who we guess we assume is Torva at this point. And Cecelia and Cordelia also seem to be planning some kind of dangerous situation for the Festival of Lights with the possible poison lanterns and blocked exists and stuff.

Sophia: Yeah.

Kat: You tell them.

Sophia: And then we say we found the Torva symbol.

Cosu: This is troubling, troubling. If Vioni has returned, it would mean the vessel we believed to be destroyed was not...hmm we saw-

Corbin [struggling to speak]: So I saw a creature, well I should-I should clarify I didn’t see the creature but I saw some marks on the wall as you might say-

[cross talk]

Corbin: No, no I got this thank you, Laika.

Noel: I start laughing in the lake.

[Laughing]

Sophia: I just fall down.

Corbin: I turned into a bird! It's very hard for me.

One of the Crows: We’re proud of you, Corbin!

Corbin: Thank you, thank you, my fellow crows. Which I am also a Crow.

Noel: Is that where you got your accent?

Corbin: My accent, yes.

Kat: From your weird southern crow relatives, okay.

Corbin: So anyways, I flew out and saw from the Undertemple some claw marks as there was a beast climbed up the edge of the island around up to the city. Quite sinister.

Oola: That's how it escaped. But, we saw, we saw it throw itself off the island.

Corbin: Well, it clearly didn’t do that.

[quiet Snickers]

Cosu: Well, it would not be... Impossible. The vessel... is undead, it no longer lives. So it is possible it has survived all these years, but... question remains of where it is hidden.  There are few places in the city that the Goddess cannot see. Fewer still that she cannot reach with her divinity, to hide for that long.  It is... difficult to imagine.

Noel: I come out of the lake.

[giggling]

Kat: Okay, alright.

Noel: So I say:

Fran: So you mentioned that Cecelia was a good student… What do you know about Cordelia?

Kat: The beasts go like “oh,oh!” [mumbling]

Cosu: We don’t know that name. We never had a student of the Deer clan by the name Cordelia.

Fran: I did think that it was a little bit unoriginal that her name was Cecelia and her best friend was somehow named Cordelia. 

Corbin: I also thought that was weird. Villany.

[laughter]

Kat: Oola perks up and ruffles her feathers and-

Oola [Slightly southern accent]: It’s her, it’s her! The creature, the vessel. Cordelia... She must’ve disguised herself as an attendant.

Fran: Yeaah, that’s kind of what like we were thinking too but thanks!

[All Laugh]

Laika: Like three years ago.

Corbin: Checkmate, Asshole!

 [All laugh] 

Corbin: I’m sorry.

Noel [laughing]: You, you like her?

Corbin: No, I do! I love her dearly, I just got excited.

Zerun: If the vessel of the Vioni has been hiding as an attendant for all of these years, then we have no way of knowing  how deep the conspiracy runs and how many others she had recruited to her cause. 

Fran: It seems to be mostly contained to Deer clan attendants so far.

Zerun: I have a request, young guardians.

Kat: So Zerun, he stands up and he- he looks ancient, even by greater beast standards this is an old wolf.  He’s got grey muzzle and his fur is greying. He has trouble getting to his feet. He’s certainly not the impressive figure he used to be. He still has that-I mean, hell you listened to his voice, He has got Grav-itas!

Sophia: Grampa.

Kat: Grampa, he’s grampa wolf.

Kaitlin: He’s got grampa—

Kat: He’s got that grampa vibe. That Grampa Moxy.

Sophia: He’s my grampa.

[Kaitlin Awws]

Kat: Zerun comes over, he comes over to you Laika and he puts his head under your hand.  Then you see, very vividly— all the sudden in your mind’s eye, you see the edge of the island river flowing over the edge of the island. You see it so clearly in your mind it's like you’re there. And then, you’re back.  He says-

Zerun: This is the spot where the vessel threw itself off from the island. You must go there and see if you can find how it survived. If you do this, we may know where it has been hiding. And where it may have taken the Goddess.

Fran: So we need you to lay low for now, but we might need you later on, to, you know, come in biceps blazing, as the old saying says. 

[All laugh]

Kat: Those wolf biceps, you know those crow biceps.

Noel: All- All three groups have huge biceps and-[laughs]

Kat: Okay, okay, cool.

Fran: Is there any way for us to contact you? Or any kind of-

Kat: Zerun gives a long, slow, sort of head bow, and Laika you see around his neck there’s another amulet, and you take it from his neck and he says:

Zerun: Break this, and it will sound an alarm throughout the forest, calling the beasts to your aid.

Noel: Noope~

Sophia: I put it in... my..butt

 [All burst out laughing]

Kaitlin: Whaat?Okaay?

Sophia: My back butt pouch.

Kat: Your back pocket?

Sophia: Yeah, my butt pouch.

Kat: So you can sit on it?

Sophia: Alright, I put it right in my chest region.

Kat: You maybe put it around your neck like you do with any other amulet?

Sophia [defeatedly]: Alright, makes sense.

Kat: Oh god.

[All giggle]

Kat: You’re gifted the amulet. 

Kaitlin: And you don’t put it in your butt.

Kat: You don’t put it in your butt.

Sophia: I didn’t put it in my butt, yet.

Kat: Why would you do that? Why do you want it up there?

Sophia: Gotta keep it safe! It’s my grandpa's amulet!

[All Giggling] 

Kat: Okay, cool. So do you guys want to head to the place Zerun showed you?

Kaitlin: Should we take a rest first?

Noel: We’re going to take an extended rest. And our mentors wouldn’t know anything more?

Kat: No, no. They probably wouldn’t know anything more. The greater beasts are huge ancient animals that know everything.

Noel: Right, and they taught them.

Kat: You head through the forest, but you are actually are going back into the city. Laika, you have this  innate sense now of where to go, it’s like Zerun sort of drew a path into your mind. And you are able to navigate the busy, busy streets now with just perfect ease because you know exactly where you’re going. And you head, actually out of the city.  Which, I don’t know that any of you would have been out this far because it is not that interesting. [serene music begins playing] It’s the fields where they grow food here. It’s on the northern part of the island it’s just-not that many fields because most of the food is grown by hydroponic magic. But there are still orchards out here. 

And its much quieter, a lot less hustle and bustle, but still a lot of people because it is a small island. And as you head through the fields and to the edge of the island, you walk along the river.  And you are walking and it's- you can see over the edge of the river, and into the blue sky beyond, it looks like it just goes on forever. 

[music stops suddenly] 

Until it doesn’t because it stops suddenly, there’s a sheer drop and as you look over the edge, there is nowhere for anything to grab. There’s no plants or anythin,g you see the river and the water going over the edge of the island and curves under the island and it comes up at some other point ‘cause all the water is recycled through a series of rivers underneath the island. So what do you guys want to do?

Kaitlin: I suppose I should turn into a bird of some kind and investigate as I did once before?

Kat: Sure, turn into a bird and see what you can see?

Kaitlin: I turn into a crow because it is the only bird I know how to turn into and then I fly down there.

Kat: And we’re going to just stop-we are going to pause to explain this for continuity reasons. We realized that Kaitlin cannot Wild Shape into a bird yet but that already happened. Because he’s from the Crow clan, Corbin is able to Wild Shape specifically into a crow no other bird. So there we go.

Noel: He can’t fly real well.

Kat: He can’t fly. He’s real bad at it.

Kaitlin: And he couldn’t fight for sure.

Kat: Until Corbin actually gets to the level at which he can turn into winged 

beasts--flying animals. That is how that functions. Make a perception check. See what you can see.

Sophia: Does your crow form has a boob window shape?

Kaitlin: Oh hells yeah, it’s like a little white patch on the chest. 

Kat: A little white patch on the chest. 

Kaitlin:  [rolls] Oh god, I saw that go to 17 then roll back. I got an 11.

Kat: With an 11, you see there aren’t any hand holds, there aren’t any places  you can tell, there’s no plants really growing. You do see, the waterfall sort of dips. It's a -there’s a weird shape to it. You can see some of the water is going inward rather than going down. 

Kaitlin: Like going into the-

Kat: Going into the island.

Kaitlin:- into the body of the island?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Like a cave? Mayhaps?

Kat: Mayhaps a cave?

Kaitlin [initially singing]: Mayhaps a cave? [giggles] I fly back up there. Can I talk in my bird form?

Sophia: Cute! Yeah because we have the amulets!

Kaitlin: Oh damn! I don’t even -I don’t even go back to human form yet. And I say: 

Corbin: There is a cave down here! W-wild!

Laika: Let’s go!

[Outro music]

Kat [in Cosu’s Voice] : Yeah I’m a cool mom. -

 [All laugh]

Kat [in Cosu’s voice]: You guys want-you want any snacks?  You need a condom?

Sophia [in Laika’s voice]: I’ll take some snacks!

[End of Outro Music]