Dames & Dragons 05. Festival of Lights (Part 5)

Following a trail of clues that seem to reveal more questions than answers, the Guardians investigate the Undertemple and prepare for the Festival of Lights. In the meantime, Fran impersonates a police officer, Laika dreams about that banister style, and Corbin surveys the scene of a troubling ancient escape. All this, and they also manage to irritate the wits out of the Goddess's attendants.

✂️ Arc 1 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: KAT

FRAN THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by NOEL

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by SOPHIA

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by JUNIPER (Formerly Kaitlin)KAITLIN

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 5 – Festival of Lights (Part 5)

Kaitlin: Hold on, I have to like position myself better, because I’m gonna bump the table like a fuck-ton.

Noel: Honestly Kaitlin, you need a new piece of paper.

Kaitlin: What?

Noel: Yours has a dog on it.

Kaitlin: No, this is fine, I write small.

Sophia: Kaitlin, I have a fresh piece for you.

Kaitlin: Please don’t take the penis dog away from me.

Kat: Let’s just get started.

Noel: You can’t take the penis dog from me.~ Remember that song?

Kaitlin: Yeah, I remember that song exactly! Yes of course, the penis dog song, how could I have ever forgotten.

Kat: Well I think we’ve recorded our intro.

Noel: No no no.

Kat: I think it needs to start with Kaitlin saying “the penis dog.”

Kaitlin: Yeah, make it start with that!

Sophia: Penis dog! [awkward pause, then laughter] I’m just putting it out there.

Kaitlin: Great. Start.

Kat: [German Accent] Hokay, so, here is ze D&D

[Guardians Theme (festival of lights) plays]

Kat: Hello! Welcome to Dames and Dragons, our 5th Edition actual play podcast. My name is Kat, I am your dungeon master.

Noel: I’m Noel and I play Fran, watersoul genasi wizard.

Kaitlin: I’m Kaitlin, I play Corbin who is a human druid.

Sophia: I am Sophia and I play Laika, who is a tiefling paladin.

Kat: Neat! SO last time you were shown your new digs in the temple of the Goddess, you had a little party that, like, Fran was invited to but decided that she didn’t want to go to because she’s too cool or whatever.

Noel: I don’t know if I was invited early enough, so…

Kat: Okay. The Goddess summoned you out to the aviary in the middle of the night and you found all the birds in the aviary were dead and then you were attacked by some shades! Aaaaand that’s what you missed on Glee!

Kaitlin: We… oh nevermind.

Kat: What do you guys want to do?

Sophia: What are our options?

Kat: I mean you can - 

Noel: You can do anything, it’s D&D.

Kat: You can do literally anything [laughter] I mean, you can - 

Sophia: I take off all my clothes and I streak. Just kidding.

Kaitlin: I grow a pair of wings.

Sophia: I cut off the wings [Kat shrieks] and I eat them [Kat shrieks again]

Kat: Okay so you guys can, i mean, you can just call it a night, it is the middle of the night, um you can try and go to the Goddesses room.

Sophia: I feel like we should try to talk to her.

Kat: Yeah, she is only like down the hall from you guys. She’s not that far away.

Noel: Alright, lets go talk to her.

Kaitlin: We do that.

Kat: Mhm. [three knocks on the table] Choice foley work Sophie, good job.

Laika: Thank you, my name is Laika

 [laughter]

Kat: Laika the Foley Artist, awesome. Ah, so [Sophie makes a tiny adorable howl] the door opens just a crack and the Goddess peers out and she opens her door a little wider and  ushers you guys in. And she’s signing very very quickly, saying:

Goddess: What was that, why were they here, I don’t understand, did they kill the birds, what’s happening, do - what - what do I do, what do I do?

Kat: is basically what you can make out very clearest is she’s saying “What do I do?”

Corbin: They were clearly worshiping a false God. Evil prophets! Pharisees!

Fran: Um, so, just ignore what he said, please calm down, it’s okay!

Corbin: They need to be put to death!

Kat: She is near tears. She’s telling you guys “I need to stop this, I don’t know how to stop this, what do I do, they won’t tell me what’s going on, what do I do?”

Sophia: I’m just gonna say: 

Laika: She looks upset! What’s going on you guys, I can’t understand - 

Corbin: Use your powerful godly magic to rain down fire and terror upon them!

Noel: Um. First of all, can we just assume we’re telling Laika what she’s saying? 

Kat: Yeah, we can.

Noel: Okay cool. 

Fran: So we overheard some of your attendants saying that, like saying “Oh my lord”, which like, nobody says that stuff, it’s very weird and suspicious, and we’re just wondering, have your attendants been acting weird lately?

Kat: She shakes her head no. And she says:

Goddess: They could be referring to Cernunnus? Cernunnus  is the God of the Deer. So maybe that’s it?

Fran: [doubtfully] Maybe, but I don’t know about this stuff. I’m suspicious about it.

Corbin: False prophets!

Kat: She suddenly looks like she has an idea. She to the other side of her chambers, which are - by the way, I didn’t describe them, they’re beautiful. They’re at least three to four times larger than your guys’, there is a bathing pool in the middle with like water from hot springs -

Kaitlin: [impressed] Shit!

Kat: There’s fabric draped over the windows, blowing gently in the night breeze, she’s just got this beautiful enormous bed covered in cushions and blankets and its, you know, it’s fit for a Goddess. But she crosses past all of this luxury to a stack of books that’s by her bedside and she grabs one and it's a history of the Temple, it’s basically the architects’ plan for the Temple as it’s been built and rebuilt and added on to,  and she flips open this book to a page where it shows the under-temple, and she points to this and she signs, she says: 

Goddess: We have to go down there. That used to be a prison, whatever these were, maybe they came from there!

Fran: Hmm. So we’re really tired, do you think we have to go right now? 

[laughter]

Corbin: I feel great, I would just like to say.

Laika: What was in the prison?

Kat: She shrugs, she doesn’t know. But, shades and shadows are remnants of evil creatures, they come from the life of another creature, so if they came from somewhere, an evil creature must've been held down there, so maybe there’d be a clue, is kinda what she’s thinking. But the guards are on alert and maybe we should wait for morning, but maybe the clues will be gone by morning, and she’s back to sort of freaking out.

Laika: Does your magic pool heal spell slots?

Kat: No, it’s a bath.

Laika: We should rest for an hour and then go.

Kat: She concedes.

Noel: Okay.

Sophia: I hold her hand.

Kat: She lets your hold her hand, and is like, a little bit weirded out by it, like by how much you want to hold her hand, but is cool with it.

Sophia: I hold Fran’s hand too.

Noel: I pull my hand away and I go and sit in the corner and just meditate for a while on my spellbook. By the way, when I say I’m in the corner I’m facing the corner.

Kaitlin: So I have a question, so this is a short rest, right?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Is it possible to regain like one spell slot through a short rest? Or do you just have to like, rest?

Kat: I honestly don’t know. 

Sophia: [mumbling] Can we regain all our spell slots? 

[Kat snorts]

Kaitlin: Can we just do it?

Sophia: Just do it!

Kaitlin: Just do it, pleeeasse. 

Sophia: Mom, please! 

Kaitlin: I’m tallying all the spells I’ve used and it’s more than I thought.

Kat: Um yeah, so it’s just for regaining hit points.

Kaitlin: Okay.

Kat: The Goddess does regain her hit points, so that’s good!

Sophia: We don’t regain spell slots though?

Kat: No, you do not regain spell slots.

Kaitlin: That’s fine, I’ll manage. I have some left.

Sophia: I have one, well I’ll just stab stuff. Are you good Noel?

Noel: I’m okay, yeah. I used cantrips. Partially.

Kat: Okay! So in an hour you guys are just gonna head on down?

All: Yep!

Kat: And the Goddess goes to follow you, like are you gonna let her come with you?

Kaitlin: Hmmmm…

Noel: I think, I’m suspicious about what’s gonna happen to the Goddess if we leave her alone.

Kaitlin: [crosstalk] That’s true.

Sophia: [crosstalk] Yeah that’s what I would say too, I think we better bring her.

Kaitlin: But I also don’t want her to get hurt…

Noel: Yeah, but I think.

Sophia: Can you - can we disguise her? Or like - 

Kaitlin: Yeah! Oh, if only we had a bard!

Laika: Do you know any bards?

Kat: I mean, yes, she does know bards.

Corbin: I’m very interested in Bard culture.

Kat: She does know several bards -

Corbin: Are they trustworthy?

Kat: Actually there are bards around right now because there is the ceremony at the end of the week!

Corbin: Summon a bard for us Goddess.

Noel: I can do illusions.

Kaitlin: Oh, that was a little bit...

Noel: I mean we can just straight up disguise her, we’re in a room full of her clothing

Sophia: Yeah, can we make her stealth disguised though?

Kat: Well, I mean, you can make her a disguise, why don’t you guys roll to see how good you can disguise her?

Kaitlin: Wait, where’s deception? Oh there it is, ew. [crosstalk]

Sophia: Pffft! A three? That’s bad.

Noel: I got 17, cool.

Kaitlin: I got 15.

Kat: Okay, so Laika, you just start sorta start grabbing things and throwing them and yelling “Disguise! Disguise!”

Laika: It works.

Kat: Corbin, you  attempt to make these things work, but you’re not 100% sure how clothing works.

Kaitlin: Right, that’s fair, I don’t really wear any, so…

Kat: Yeah. So after a minute or two of these two flailing about, and the Goddess standing there very patiently, Fran, you take over and you craft an expert disguise, so that she looks like one of the attendants.

Kaitlin: I think this is one of the first, maybe not the first, but one of the best rolls we’ve done in terms of like fitting our individual character abilities, in regards to character backstory. 

[laughter]

Noel: Yeah, it’s true.

Sophia: I feel like Fran would know what’s up.

Kaitlin: She would totally know what to do.

Kat: Okay, so. [singing] ♫ Down to the under-temple. ♫ Uh, so you guys head down, it is still the middle of the night, although it’s getting towards early morning, so everything’s pretty quiet and you’re able to get down there without too much trouble. It’s everyone’s favorite, time for more spiral staircases!

Noel: Yaaaay!

Kat: Apparently just the architects in this temple really like spiral staircases.

Sophia: Is there a railing?

Kat: No, there is no railing.

Sophia: Damnit, you know what I’m thinking.

Kaitlin: I knew where you were going.

Sophia: Bannister style.

Kaitlin: Oh, yeah.

Kat: Nope, no, nope, there’s no railing.

Kaitlin: Is there a shield I could use to surf down the stairs, like Legolas? In Lord of the Rings.

Sophia: [excited] Ohhh, yeah!

Kat: Uh, I don’t know, unless Laika has a shield?

Sophia: I don’t have a shield

Kat: Okay, no, you do not, there’s no shield.

Kaitlin: Damnit damnit damnit. Alright.

Kat: So you guys head down to the under-temple, you’re able to avoid most of the guards, the ones who do see you, they give you the side-eye, but they're not gonna do anything. You know. You technically outrank them?

Kaitlin: We could beat ‘em the hell up too.

Sophia: I do the eye thing again where I point to my eyes and then I point at them and just like “pthbthbthb” [fart noise].

Kaitlin: I give them mean looks, but because my face is so birdish I just end up looking kind of constipated and confused. But I’m really trying to get my anger across.

Noel: I just like, nod at them and act normal.

Kat: you head to the staircase down to the undertemple. It’s  not guarded because this hasn’t been used in ages, like no one’s gone down here. When you open the door it’s just like an explosion of dust. So the Goddess tells you as you’re going down the stairs that according to everything she’s been able to find there was an ancient evil held down here, but there’s not any other details about it. [ominous music starts] Which is not normal, because there’s really detailed records about everything in the temple library. But you guys head down the stone staircase and emerge into an enormous cavern. There is a hole in the middle of the cavern which is just, leads to nothing, there’s just sky and clouds that you can see through the hole. And there are chains hanging from the ceiling above this hole, that are bolted into the ceiling.

Kaitlin: I’m picturing a hole, like the moon door?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Okay.

Kat: Think moon door of like the Game of Thrones.

Kaitlin: Okay.

Kat: But… there doesn’t seem to be anything down here. It’s just a cave with some chains and a hole.

Fran: Laika, do you sense anything down here?

Laika: Let me check!

Kat: What are you - are you?

Sophia: Yeah, I use Divine Sense

Kat: You don’t sense that there’s anything evil or good or anything down here, it seems very empty, but you can tell that very long time ago there there’s just the smallest traces of this cloying evil presence. And maybe evil’s not the right word for it, it just doesn’t feel right. 

Laika: You guys there was a moldy bread box that was definitely here. That’s the smell and vibe that I am getting.

Corbin: Ohhhh no nooooooo

Laika: Yeah.

Fran: Not this guy again! Our nemesis!

Kat: The Goddess asks:

Goddess: Moldy bread box?

Fran: Don’t you worry about it, okay, my lady? We’re, we’re gonna take care of it, you’re not gonna need to worry about this breadbox.

Laika: We’re on it.

Corbin: Make sure you inspect all your bread in the light of day before you eat it. 

[laughter]

Kat: Okay! Alright.

Laika: Blue mold is dangerous.

Corbin: It’s a serious danger.

Kat: Um. So do you guys want to do anything else, or are you just gonna talk about bread mold?

Sophia: Uh, investigate?

Kat: Sure.

Noel: Yeah, let’s all investigate. [rolls die] I got over 20.

Kat: Okay. 

Sophia: That’s a 7.

Kaitlin: Yeah I just got 18.

Kat: Okay, Laika, you are too busy investigating this bread mold [laughter] to see anything else, but Fran, you notice that there are claw marks on the edges of the hole, like deep gashes, they are deep into the stone.

Noel: Hmmmm.

Kat: And that it looks like whatever was in here, climbed out.

Noel: [makes uncomfortable noise]

Kaitlin: Like down out?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Ew.

Noel: So I tell my friends that.

Corbin: Bad. Bad.

Kat: [laughing] Bad, bad, just bad.

Corbin: Bad.

Kat: So the Goddess, she looks concerned, and she says,

Goddess: That doesn’t make any sense? You can’t… you can’t climb the bottom of Estra… There’s nothing - 

Corbin: [interrupting] Dragon! Flying… monster.

Goddess: Dragons all died…

Corbin: Big flying monster.

[quiet laughter]

Goddess: There aren’t any monsters. Whatever was in here…

Kat: She’s just sorta at a loss.

Laika: Could it have gone below?

Goddess: Below?

Laika: To the world below us?

Corbin: To hell! From whence it came!

Goddess: Uhh, if it did, it’s dead. Nothing can survive down there.

Laika: Not even undead?

Goddess: Maybe. I suppose.

Laika: I’m getting an undead vibe from this moldy - 

Corbin: When was the last time anyone ever went down there?

Kat: She shrugs, she doesn’t know. The under-temple was part of the construction of the first temple here in the city, like right, that was probably over a thousand years ago, so it - whatever was held down here, there’s no record of it, there’s nothing, there’s no clues…

Corbin:  Could we sent down a man with a rope and a hazmat suit? To protect him from the radiation?

Goddess: A what? An - a what?

Corbin: You know…

Fran: Bread mold is very dangerous.

Corbin: The radiation from the bread mold!

Kat: The Goddess is confused. She does not know what you’re talking about. She does not understand, wonders if you’re truly qualified.

Laika: Could we lower a guy down, you know, see what’s up down there?

Goddess: Down to the world below?

Laika: Just like, down in the hole, [trailing off] see if there’s anything else…

Noel: Is the hole just open to the world below? Is that the deal?

Kat: Yeah!

Noel: We can’t see nothing?

Kat: No, just clouds, are all you can really see.

Corbin: I think we should put somebody down there.

Kat: Alright…

Laika: Corbin, seems like you’re volunteering.

Corbin: UH I volunteer with all three of my buds! [laughter] I said three but I meant two.

Noel: Is the Goddess one of your buds, are you volunteering the Goddess?

Corbin: There’s a little man in my pocket! He’s coming with.

Kat: I think Corbin just doesn’t know how to count!

Corbin: I never did learn how to read.

Kat: Okay, um, the Goddess sorta thinks for a minute, then she nods, she says okay.

Sophia: Do we have a rope?

Noel: Yeah, we all have ropes

Kat: Did you bring your entire adventuring kit?

Noel: Yeah!

Sophia: Down to the dark, gloomy tower? Oh hell yeah!

Kaitlin: I should also maybe mention at this point that I am a druid and can turn into animals, and still maintain, i’m pretty sure, my normal human intelligence. It’s called Wild Shape. Okay so I’m gonna go, I’m gonna turn into a crow, because that’s my mainstay.

Kat: Okay!

Kaitlin: Imma turn into a crow and I’m gonna fly down there and look around.

Kat: Okey-dokey. So you fly down through the hole and you can see there is a trail of claw-marks, it looks like whatever was there dragged itself across the bottom by digging its claws into the stone bottom of Estra, just clinging on each time. So there is a trail that goes all the way to the edge of the island and then up over the edge.

Kaitlin: [disgusted] Eeeuhhh!

Kat: It does kinda disappear near the edge just because there is sort of more buffering

Kaitlin: Right.

Kat: But you can still clearly see that whatever this was, it got out.

Kaitlin: And it’s on the island somewhere.

Kat: Presumably!

Sophia: Cool.

Kaitlin: Alright, I take a good look at where it came out, I memorize the spot in my brain, and then I fly back.

Kat: Okay! And it is starting to get light, you can see through the moon door that it’s morning now and the Goddess says

Goddess: We have to get back, or if the attendants find me out I honestly don’t know what they’ll do. They’ll fuss a lot. Certainly that.

Noel: Alright, we better hurry back.

Kaitlin: I tell you guys what I saw.

Kat: Yeah, we assume.

Sophia: Should we tell the Goddess not to tell her attendants?

Noel: Yeah

Kaitlin: Yeah, mhm.

Kat: Yeah, she agrees. She says:

Goddess: It’ll just make them fuss more, and I, well, they won’t let me out of their sight.

Kat: So you guys, you head back up to your rooms, you want to take a nap maybe?

Sophia: Yeah, go to sleep. [general agreement]

Kat: Go to sleep, get some sleeps.

Kaitlin: Take a sleepy.

Kat: You guys get a few hours of sleep in, but not that much as the attendants burst into your rooms 

Attendants: Up up up up up! 

Kat: They say,

Attendants: It’s time for your first official duties as the Goddesses attendants. You have to make the rounds and inspect all the preparations for the Festival of Lights!

Fran: [sleepily grumbles]

Kaitlin: I was having a nightmare and I fall out of my bed.

Kat: Okay

Attendants: You have five minutes to get ready, the Goddess will be waiting in the hall.

Noel: I roll over and go back to sleep.

Kaitlin: I also go back to sleep but I just am on the floor now.

Kat: Alright, five minutes later the attendants come back, uh - which ones on 

the floor?

Kaitlin: Me

Kat: Uh, yeah, she kicks you.

Corbin: Euuhhh!

Attendant: Get up, now! You’re going to be late!

Kaitlin: I roll under my bed.

Kat: So the other attendant, he gets down on his knees and he just grabs you by the arms and drags you out and proceeds to just dress you himself!

Kaitlin: I’m embarrassed, but I’m not about to stop him.

Kat: The other attendant, she goes to, I guess she goes to Fran’s room first, and says,

Attendant: If you do not get up, this very moment, I will drag you out of that bed myself and dress you. Do not test me! My friend is in the other room getting Corbin ready. 

Noel: I start laughing, I wake up. I get up, get ready, that really warmed my heart.

Kat: Okay, and she goes and gives the same threat to you Laika.

Sophia: I’m getting dressed, but my armor is all like upside down and backwards, because I’m just too tired.

Kat: Just too tired to live. Okay. So you guys get up, get ready, somehow, and it’s a normal day, seemingly, it’s nice out. You guys head out of the temple and into the temple square. The temple of the Goddess is kinda it’s own miniature section of the town, there’s a large square in the center, directly ahead of it is the temple itself. Off to the right is the temple library and down to the left is some various shops and things. Pretty much the only people around are attendants and guards. But it seems to sorta run itself as its own miniature town.

So, you meet up with the Goddess, and she gives you a little wave and makes a shushing motion, like  “mmm it’s our secret!” But, the two deer attendants are there again and it seems to be the same ones that were there last night.

Attendant: Alright.

Kat: Says one of them.

Attendant: Today, all we need you to do is just smile, follow behind the Goddess, and make sure nothing happens to her. It’s not that hard I’m sure the three of you are… up to the task. Can we just count on you to stay quiet?

Fran: [laughs]

Laika: [unsure] Uh, yes?

Attendant: Good! Don’t interrupt.

Sophia: Corbin didn’t say anything, he didn’t make a promise.

Corbin: I’m remaining quiet.

Kat: So! You guys head out the gates of the temple square and out into the city of Estra proper, which is like - the temple square was kinda busy, but in comparison, Estra during the day is an explosion of people and noise and colors and smells. It’s kind of amazing. Especially for your guys, who just, you know, grew up in the forest and have been just recently shuffled off into this world.

Kaitlin: I am visibly upset.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: I’m scared by the people and the loud noises and the colors. My bird eyes are swiveling in every direction. And i’m like, if I had feathers, they would be real poofy. I’m upset, I’m scared, I cower a little bit.

Kat: Do you got like the Miyazaki hair going on?

Kaitlin: Yes! That’s exactly what’s happening to me.

Noel: I am delighted, and I just do some heel-kicks, and jumping around, Uptown Girl is playing in my head. I feel great.

Sophia: I’m in it. I’m just like, look at all the humans.

Kat: There are also elves, half-elves, orcs, half-orcs…

Sophia: Yeah.  Guys, I’m a reverse furry. I’m a girl who was raised by a wolf and is obsessed with humans.

Kaitlin: Is that a fleshy?

Sophia: Yeah.

Kat: Please never say that again

[laughter]

Sophia: I’m a fleshy.

Kat: Never call it… No....

Noel: Don’t agree. Please don’t say you’re a fleshy.

Kat: Oh my gosh, okay. So, the Goddess is leading, sort of. Her attendants are walking beside her and just a step ahead, but, to all appearances she’s leading and she smiles and waves and people part, it’s like parting of the Red Sea for her. They touch their foreheads as she passes and that’s a very traditional sort of greeting and prayer to the Goddess. So your first stop is going to be at the Bard’s College.

Kaitlin: [gasps] I become enthralled. I suddenly don’t realize how horrible the world is in terms of its thick…

Kat: Its thick?

Sophia: Robin Thicke.

Kat: You’re right, Robin Thicke is horrible for the world.

Kaitlin: Its thick density of human and other species.

Kat: Mortals. The word you’re looking for is mortals.

Kaitlin: Thank you, I didn’t realize how thick the world is with mortals, which is not a describing word I thought about carefully before I used. I’m excited for the bards.

Kat: [laughing] Okay. There is the sound of sweet music coming from every window. It’s a large stone building, like every other large stone building in Estra, but as you enter it there’s an indoor courtyard where the master of the Bard’s College greets you.

Corbin: [unintelligible noise]

Kaitlin: I make that noise out loud.

Noel: [laughing] What is going on?

Kat: Okay so you, at the Bard’s College they have set up chairs for you guys, well they set up chairs for the Goddess and her attendants and you guys are now relegated to standing behind them, because they did not set up chairs for you.

Sophia: Well!

Kaitlin: I’m a little disappointed because I thought the bards were better than this, but…

Kat: So you guys hear a nice performance, a selection of bardic music that will be played at the festival.

Sophia: Your music is gonna be dope!

Noel: I’m gonna be really bad at this part.

[a short electronic tune plays with the word “bards” whispered over the top]

Kat: So that’s all good. Your next stop with the Goddess, it’s called The Magician’s Workshop, but what it actually is is kind of a special effects store, more or less. But fancy! As you walk in it is pandemonium. There are wizards running back and forth because they’re creating the lights for the Festival of Lights. And there are these floating lanterns that the Goddess will send up into the sky and, you know, represent all of those who were lost in the Great Cataclysm, and each one is made individually, they’re each a handmade thing. And I’m gonna have you two, Fran and Corbin, I’m gonna have you two make Arcana checks.

Noel: Okay! [rolls] Woah, I critical failed! Which doesn’t really make sense…

Kaitlin: I got seven

Kat: Okay, so you guys are just too overwhelmed.

Sophia: Can I try?

Kat: Uh, yeah, sure!

Sophia: 14 plus 1.

Kat: Okay. So these two, these two nerds should know what they’re doing, they’re just too distracted and overwhelmed by all the activity.

Kaitlin: I really like the Bard’s music.

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: I love wizards, I’m surrounded by wizards. My eyes are closed and I’m not looking at anything, I’m just sniffing it in.

Kaitlin: Sniffing!

Noel: Mm, smells great.

Kat: Wait, what did you roll?

Sophia: Fifteen.

Kat: You smell something… weird. You can’t quite put your finger on it. It’s not  and evil smell, it’s just not right.

Noel: Is it similar to the weird presence from…

Kat: No, this is an actual smell.

Noel: Oookay.

Kat: This is an actual smell.

Sophia: Is it a magical smell?

Kat: It doesn’t smell magical, if magic has a smell. It’s just, it smells kind of like a chemical? A solvent or something?

Sophia: Ooh, this does not bode well. I let you guys know.

Fran: Ahh, Corbin, why!!?

Corbin: Fran please stop blaming me for all your horrendous farts!

Sophia: Can we do investigation checks?

Kat: Sure!

Noel: I got 14

Sophia: 18

Kaitlin: 16

Kat: Okay. You watch as they’re creating each light, and each one is a small paper lantern, which they pour a series of sands into, and then finish off with a small vial of liquid. And each liquid is different, each one looks a little different, and you’re told it’s because each one is individual to represent the individuals who were lost.

Noel: One of them is probably poisoned. That individual was poisoned.

Sophia: Yup.

Noel: We gotta sniff this out you guys.

Kat: Are you just gonna sniff?

Noel: I investigate! 

Kaitlin: I can turn into a dog and smell stuff.

Kat: Well okay, um, so, as you’re investigating this, one of the attendants comes over and says,

Attendant: How is the new compound working out?

Kat: And the wizard who’s working on it says,

Wizard: Oh, it’s working quite well! Every time we’ve tested it it’s created just the most brilliant colors! Thank you so much for the recipe!

Sophia: Is it a deer attendant?

Kat: Yeah, it’s one of the deer attendants.

Kaitlin: Mm-mm.

Sophia: Uh-uh. What do we do you guys? Can we knock the lanterns out of their hands?

Kaitlin: Can we knock the deer attendant out? And investigate-

Sophia: I’m gonna do a performance as a distraction and you guys go knock it out, because I got my charisma skill.

Kaitlin: Alright, I don’t have any charisma, so.

Noel: What kind of performance are you gonna do?

Sophia: What do you guys suggest?

Noel: Do a dance. Do a breakdance.

Kaitlin: Use your mad voice spell.

Sophia: Thaumaturgy, okay, I say,

Laika: Hear ye, hear ye!

Kat: You have to make a check, you can’t just yell things and expect it to work.

Sophia: Well my Thaumaturgy cantrip would just work.

Kat: Okay. But I’m still gonna have you make a performance check.

Sophia: So 12 plus 3 that’s 15 and I say,

Laika: Watch these sick moves!

Kat: Alright, everyone watches your “sick moves”

Noel: So while she’s doing that I take one of the mystery compound things.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: The deer attendants wear like, veils, right?

Kat: Mhm!

Kaitlin: I playfully like flick the veil up, like in a way that i’m joking but secretly I’m trying to see what he looks like, or she!

Kat: They’re both women.

Kaitlin: Okay. Well I’m trying to see what she looks like.

Kat: You do actually, you can see what she looks like, and she looks like a elven woman.

Kaitlin: I stare at her, with my eyes.

Kat: She puts her veil back down and says,

Attendant: Please don’t touch me.

Kaitlin: I shake my head.

Noel: What’s her name?

Kaitlin: I say “What’s your name?”

Corbin: What’s your name?

Noel: [upset but laughing] This is the creepiest interaction of all time!

Kaitlin: I have to clarify for sure that I am thrusting my boob window.

Attendant: My name is Cecilia. Is that important to you?

Sophia: You should write that down.

Kaitlin: Yeah I’m writing it down, cuz I’m coming back to Cecilia.

Kat: Okay.

Noel: Isn’t there a song about Cecilia?

Kat: [singing] Oh Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart! [others try to join in, badly] Okay. It’s Cecilia and Cordelia.

Noel: Nice.

Kaitlin: So the other one just volunteers her name?

Kat: No I’m just telling you guys because I need to write it down for myself.

Noel: I have a sense that that other attendants name is Cordelia. Like from Angel, one of my favorite characters.

Corbin: I also sense that.

Kat: Okay. So Cecilia gives you a weird look and then walks away.

Sophia: Is she watching my sick moves?

Kaitlin: I thrust after her.

Kat: So, actually, the other one, Cordelia, grabs you by the arm and says,

Cordelia: Did I not tell you to be quiet? Is that not the one thing I told you to do?!

Sophia: Can I use my Thaumaturgy cantrip? Again?

Kat: I guess, yeah.

Sophia: I say in a really loud booming voice,

Laika: WHAAAA?

Kat: She drops you and shakes her head. 

Cordelia: This is not behavior befitting the personal guard of the Goddess and I, and the Goddess, are both very disappointed in you.

Kaitlin: What is the Goddess doing, does she look like she’s enjoying this?

Kat: She’s actually just, she’s just looking at some of the lanterns.

Kaitlin: She doesn’t even notice.

Kat: Yeah, the people in the workshop are trying to impress her and show off their work.

Noel: I silently shake my finger at Laika.

Kaitlin: I give Laika a thumbs up.

Sophia: I make like I’m pointing at your boob window and I give you a thumbs up.

Kaitlin: I wink and mouth the words “Thank you”.

Noel: I shake my head.

Sophia: I blow a kiss to Fran.

Noel: I look away and then I reach out my hand and quickly snatch it.

Kat: Okay.

Sophia: That’s pretty cute!

[INTERLUDE]

Clarification from the interlude:  Although it’s implied, we wanted to make it really clear. The veils and masks that the attendants wear in Estra are not religious symbols. They’re more like work uniforms that people would take off when they’re off duty. To compare them to something in the real world, they’d be like how Americans think of wedding veils, I guess? They’re pretty, it’s traditional, everyone does it, but the covering of the face isn’t actually that important. This is all to say, don’t touch other people’s clothing without their consent. We don’t condone that. That’s all.

[END OF INTERLUDE]

Kat: So! Uh. Do you guys have anything else you’d like to do?

Sophia: Yeah, should we look at - we should investigate what that stuff is.

Noel: Yeah, I mean we don’t have to necessarily do it now.

Sophia: Because the lanterns aren’t gonna be lit.

Kat: No, it’s not until the end of the week.

Noel: Yeah, that’s kinda why I took it, so we didn’t have to cause a scene.

Kat: Okay! So there’s a few other errands that you guys run around  the city, you go find the caterers, see what they’re up to, they’re making delicious cakes, you try some cakes.

Kaitlin: What kind of cakes?

Kat: Honey cakes.

Kaitlin: Honey cakes.

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Treacle tart?

Kat: Nope! Honey cakes. So you guys go to the textile district and look at the banners that are going to be hung. They’re beautiful, of course. Everything’s beautiful.

Sophia: Does one say Bruce on it?

Kat: No… Why?

Noel: [gleefully] Because it’s a Bruce Banner!

 [obnoxious laughter from the players]

Kat: Get out. Just leave.

Sophia: Let’s keep going, let’s keep going.

Kat: Okay, so your last stop is actually back at the temple square where you meet up with a very tall half-orc woman.

Noel: [whispering] Nice.

Kat: Probably like 7 feet tall. And she is uh -

Noel: [interrupts] I roll to fall in love.

Sophia: I have a crush on her.

Noel: I don’t act any different.

Sophia: I already know I have a crush on anyone who’s taller than me.

Kat: Alright, she is very smartly dressed.

Noel: [whispers] Smart.

Kat: And she’s holding a scroll and walking around the square and she’s drawing it. She introduces herself as Persephone and she is the decorator,and she says,

Persephone: Alright, so here’s what I’m thinking. The stage is going to be here, in front of the temple steps, of course. And then we’re going to enclose the square using the banners that you - did you check on the banners?

Kat: And the attendants, they nod.

Noel: They all say Bruce.

Kat: None of them say Bruce. Except for one, very small, in the corner, a guy named Bruce did sign his work.

Noel: Nice!

Persephone: So, there will be banners and they will be strung from every window in the square!

Kat: And the attendants  look at it and they nod, make some changes, Cecilia says,

Cecilia: You know, I think it would be best if we try to create the illusion of an intimate space. Is there any way we could sort of use the banners to cover the exits, if that makes sense?

Laika: [in a strained voice] Bad idea! Bad idea I disagree.

[cop show music starts] 

Noel: Okay I step forward and I use Disguise Self to make my clothing look like a cop. I’m wearing aviator shades. And a bulletproof vest. And I  say,

Fran: Excuuuuse me, ummmm I’m in charge of security and that’s not gonna work.

Kat: So Cecilia gives you this look, like “What??”

Cecilia: Franika, please. I understand that you’re simply trying to do your job, but let me do mine and let Persephone do hers!

Fran: Uh no, I’m pretty sure security trumps like ‘intimate space’!

Sophia: Can you disguise us too, so we also look  like cops?

Noel: I only have Disguise Self, but you guys can try.

Kaitlin: I step forward and I don’t try at all and I just say,

Corbin: Your head will be on the chopping block then when the Goddess gets MURDERED.

Kat: And Cecilia, she laughs in your face.

Cecilia: The Goddess get murdered?

Sophia: I’m gonna do an intimidation check on her.

Kat: Alright.

Kaitlin: Good call.

Sophia: Oh, that’s a two, so I’m just like,

Laika: Hey. Stop that stuff!

Cecilia: Listen, children. I understand your concerns, but know that there will be no one who could possibly even attempt to hurt the Goddess, they won’t be allowed inside. The security at the gates of the temple is incredibly thorough.

Sophia: Could we persuade Persephone?

Kaitlin: Yeah can I roll to persuade?

Kat: Yeah, you can try to persuade Persephone!

Kaitlin: Six?

Sophia: I have high persuasion, hold on. [rolls] So 17.

Kat: 17. Okay. Persephone says,

Persephone: You know, I do, I do see their point. How about we do this. Instead of covering the exits, which would look beautiful, Cecilia, I do agree, but instead of doing that how about we simply hang them at the alleys? Because I mean it is a closed system, there’s only one way in and that’s through the gates, so it should be fine if we just - its a compromise, right?

Kat: And Cecilia, she - I mean, you can’t see her face, she does not seem happy with this but she agrees.

Corbin: I have a question about the Bruce banners.

Persephone: The banners, yes.

Corbin: How flammable are they? If I used a cantrip to set them on fire would they burn?

Persephone: I don’t believe so…

Corbin: They wouldn’t burn at all?

Persephone: I… um…

Kat: And Persephone is kind of struggling with this, this is not a question she wanted to answer, so Cordelia says,

Cordelia: Not to worry Corbin, we’ve made sure that all the banners have been fireproofed with the best spells.

Corbin: Well I think they should be able to burn!

Noel: I step in front of Corbin.

Kat: You guys are just constantly stepping in front of each other?

Noel: [laughing] Yeah.

Kat: The attendants and Persephone just step back.

Kaitlin: Yeah we’re getting like increasingly closer.

Sophia: I’m standing behind Fran though, because I’m like “She’s a cop” so I’m like pointing to her like “She’s a cop”.

Noel: And I’m like,

Fran: Listen, ladies, listen. We’re gonna do it Persephone’s way, she’s the designer, putting stuff over the exits looks dumb and she knows it - [laughter]

Persephone: Well it doesn’t look dumb!

Fran: It looks dumb. And we’re gonna keep those exits wide open.

Kat: Alright, okay, Cecilia and Cordelia, they acquiesce. 

Persephone: Well, uh, listen, well let’s use this time to go over your places. My Goddess - 

Kat: And she gestures towards the Goddess

Persephone:  You’ll be standing at the front of the stage here

Kat: And she places her where the stage will be

Persephone: And then…

Kat: And she takes each attendant by the shoulders to sort of move them and they are placed  slightly behind her. And she goes to grab you guys and Cordelia steps forward and says,

Cordelia: Now I know what you’re going to do Persephone and I understand why you’re doing it, but we’ve just had so many problems with the citizenry, you know, with everything that’s been going on, I just don’t think it would be wise to have her guards so close! It simply looks like we’re expecting an attack!

Kat: And Persephone gives her a look and says,

Persephone: Well, that’s where they belong! Behind her!

Noel: Uh, I start laughing and I - 

Sophia: Can we all fake laugh together?

Noel: Yeah. We all laugh. 

[they all laugh, with some weird coughing noises thrown in]

Kat: Are you just coughing?

Corbin: That is my laughter! I am gleeful right now!

Fran: Ah, Cecilia, you’re breaking my heart with these jokes!

Cordelia: I’m Cordelia.

Fran: Cordelia! That’s -- I -- We’re gonna stand by the Goddess, that’s where we belong. Persephone honestly has everything figured out.

Sophia: Can I try to charm Persephone, like flirt with her a little bit?

Kat: Sure.

Kaitlin: Good call.

Sophia: Alright.  How do I do that? Is that my charisma?

Kat: Yeah.

Sophia: Alright 18 plus 5, I nail it!

Kat: She is like charmed by you, but you are also much younger than her.

Sophia: That’s cool, anyways I’m like,

Laika: Persephone, hey, you’re a beautiful intelligent woman with a sense of design, and I think we should stick to your design and cut to the chase and stop having all these unnecessary inputs because I think it’s clouding your vision.

Kaitlin: I turn to Cordelia and I say,

Corbin: You’re a villain! 

[Noel dies of laughter]

Kat: The Goddess, very subtly, very subtly, steps on your foot.

Kaitlin: Aww.

Kat: So Cecilia and Cordelia again, they acquiesce, although they do not seem terribly happy. So. You three are placed just a step behind the Goddess, her attendants are placed another step behind you guys.

Noel: I turn and I wink at them.

Sophia: I Thaumaturgy make it sound like Cordelia has a fart. 

[everyone laughs]

Kat: She is embarrassed.

Cordelia: That isn’t - that wasn’t me. That’s an immature joke.

Sophia: I say,

Laika: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Cordelia: Is there anything else you need from us Persephone?

Persephone: Ah, well, I just want to go over the procession…

Kat: And Cordelia stopa her and goes,

Cordelia: Nope, you know? It’s fine. I think we’re done for today. Why don’t the three of you go back to your rooms, the Goddess has a lot of praying to do.

Fran: [whispering] I think you have a lot of praying to do.

Corbin: Villain!

Kat: So the Goddess, she starts to sign to you guys, but is whisked away, but the one word you could get from her sign language was “library”. And that is where we’re gonna leave it off for tonight, for today, to-time. Whatever time you are listening to this dear listener, that’s where we’re going to leave it.

Noel: If it’s three in the morning, you go to bed!

Kaitlin: Treat yourself! Get those full 8 hours!

Sophia: Shut those little baby eyes!

Kaitlin: Shut the peepers.

Kat: If it’s noon, same thing.

Kaitlin: Same. Thing.

Sophia: Get your eyes shut.

Kaitlin: If you’re at work, go home! Take a nap.

Kat: If you’re in your car don’t close your eyes, keep your eyes on the road!

Sophia: Yeah. 

Kaitlin: But start driving home. Or pull over and take a nap.

Sophia: Run into the woods, go sleep there.

Kaitlin: Yep!

[OUTRO THEME]

Kat: The unter-dump, the under-temple, you learn about–

Noel: [laughing] Sorry, it sounded like you said under-dump 

[all begin to laugh]

Kat: You’re just thinking about those hot browns!

Kaitlin: Got hot browns on the brain!

Noel: I just never get out of that state of mind. It’s so stupid to laugh at! So fucking dumb I’m sorry.

Kat: We are [singing] four grown adults! We laugh at farts!

Noel: Anyway 

[they all continue to die of laughter]

Kat: Oh, we’re never gonna play D&D.

Kaitlin: We’re not gonna get there, we’re never getting there.

Kat: We’re dying.

[END]