Dames & Dragons 04. Festival of Lights (Part 4)

The Goddess has a quest for our guardians, and a great mystery begins to slowly take form. New enemies must be defeated: Shawn, Shane, Lampshade, and, most importantly--bread mold. Laika goes on a ghostly stealth mission, Fran laughs, and Corbin gets a clue.

✂️ Arc 1 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

  Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: KAT

FRAN THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by NOEL

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by SOPHIA

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by KAITLIN

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 4 – Festival of Lights (Part 4)

Kat: Okay, cool. How was everybody's however long of a period of time it's been since last we saw one another? I literally have no idea how long it's been.

Sophia: Sweaty.

Kat: It's been sweaty?

Sophia: Yeah.

Kat: Sounds about right.

Kaitlin: I went home and I saw my dog, so I've had a great weekend.

Kat: Awesome.

Sophia: A sweaty weekend?

Kaitlin: Yeah, with my dog.

Kat: [unsure how to answer] Good. Good.

Noel: Goood.

[Laughter]

Kat: Noel?

Noel: I've just been editing this podcast. Non-stop! for two weeks!

[Laughter]

Kat: That's cool.

Noel: So that's how my week(s) have been. Also, today my dad is working on the porch outside! so the sound quality is gonna be high, hopefully, and involve lots of saw noises and hammers. [laughter] Sooo- if you're into construction ASMR, this is gonna be your favorite episode!

[Kaitlin groans dramatically after 'ASMR']

Kat: Was it you being into construction ASMR?

Kaitlin: That was me wanting to die, slowly, and as painfully as possible.

Sophia: I'm into construction ASMR, so

Kaitlin: Urgh!

Kat: Nice.

Noel: So!

Kat:[unsure how to proceed] Cool! Good. We're all doing good. We are– all losing our minds, slowly but surely. It's that time of year when the world can't quite decide what it's doing, and we are still not sure if it's summer or autumn, yet, and it's mid-October at this point, so.

Sophia: Though by the time this podcast is released, it could be three hundred years from that time.

Kaitlin: Three hundred years.

Kat: But it would still be mid-October if– [crosstalk]

Kaitlin: Three hundred years, and two hundred days.

Sophia: Yep.

Kat: So–

Noel and Kaitlin: Like summer.

[Laughter]

Kat: Summer three hundred years from now. So that could either be blazingly hot or Ice Age. We don't know! Global warming~!

Noel: [sarcastically] WOO Boy! Politics!

[Laughter]

Kat: Alright, well, let's escape from the real world into the fantasy world with Dungeons and Dragons!

[Guardians Theme (festival of lights) plays ]

Kat: Okay! Hi. I am Kat, I am your Dungeon Master, I'm gonna go to my right–

Noel: I am Noel, and I play Fran, who is a genasi wizard. And I am at level three, as we all are.

Kaitlin: I am Kaitlin, I play Corbin, who is a human druid, also level three.

Sophia: I am Sophia, I play Laika, I am a tiefling paladin, and I'm also, level three.

Kat: Nice, my level three gang. Super cool. So, last time you guys finished your team building exercise, emerged victorious and moved into some dorms. I think that's kinda of, a good summary of what happened. Anyone have anything to add?

Sophia: The child Goddess is mute, and we gotta investigate that, probably, at some point.

All: [humming of agreement]

Kat: Okay, cool. So you guys moved into your dorms. It is middle of the night, all is quiet, all is usually quiet in Estra. It's not a place with a high crime rate, because you know, everybody's kind on the same boat here as the only mortals that live on this plane. So you guys are doing what– what are you doing? It's middle of the night, are you sleeping? Are you having a rave? I don't know. I don't know your lives. I don't know your choices.

Sophia: Partying.

Kat: Laika's partying. What are you partying? How are you partying?

[could jokes be played over this (Upright Bass) fades in]

Sophia: I am going to a place where humans are, and I'm just getting down with them.

Kat: Okay, that could be so many places

Sophia: Okay.

Kat: Like, literally any place. So you're going–

Noel: I just wanna point out: on Estra, not just humans live here.

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: You guys say humans. You only like humans, you don't like other species?

Sophia: No, I like other species but I just have never met a human in my time in the woods, I've like,  genasi? Been there, done that,

Kat: You've meet a–?

Sophia: Yeah, I think [crosstalk]

Kaitlin: I'm a human.

Sophia: I'm fascinated by Corbin's business.

Kaitlin: You're just gonna forget what I am? I'm a human.

Sophia: Oh, jeez.-

Kaitlin: I'm a human!

Kat: Okay, so you're wanna go where humans are, so you went to Corbin's room?

[Laughter]

Sophia: Yeah, I did.

Kaitlin: I was sleeping, and I'm gonna do that tired bird thing with the eyes       [a round of 'awww' follows] that I've spoken of before. You guys! It’s real!

Noel: Yeah, you've spoken about that at length.

Kaitlin: I’m just it's a real thing, you have birds, you know.

Noel: I just think, I just think we can move on.

Kat: Let's move on. What's Fran doing? Is Fran–?

Noel: Fran has her ear pressed against her wall that she shares with Corbin, [laughter] and she is listening to the sounds of partying, and occasionally she gets up and looks at herself in the mirror, angrily, and then goes back to listening.

Kat: I see!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Seems like you're conflicted.

Noel: [defensively] Um, I wouldn't-I wouldn’t say that.

Sophia: I'm gonna go knock on Fran's door.

Kat: Okay.

[knocking]

Kat: Nice foley work.

Noel: I go to the door, and I open it up.

Laika: Hey, Fran, what's uuup? Party is just getting started!

Noel: I am leaning against the wall, like really casual, um...like almost kinda sitting down on the floor, cause I'm leaning so far over. And I'm like,

Fran: [trying to be cool] Hey, Laika! What are you doing here, like, I didn't even-- what party? I mean, I already know about the party, like, I turned down my invitation, so.

Laika: Just three guys partying in Corbin's room, it's a party!

Fran and Corbin: Three?

Laika:[poorly trying to justify] All of us. We are one, two, three.  

Fran: Who’s the third guy? Who’s the third guy?

Laika: You're looking at him.

Kaitlin: Next door I become paranoid, and start tearing my bed apart, looking for intruders.

[Laughter]

Fran: Like, the third guy is supposed to be me? Uh, I am sorry, but I just can't come, I'm really busy with other... parties... tonight.

Laika: What parties are you going to?

Fran: [grunts/moans, exasperated]

[could jokes be played over this (Upright Bass) fades out]

Kat: So to save you from your misery, you are distracted suddenly, as there is a figure walking down the hallway, and they approach very very quickly, like, nearly at a sprint, then comes skidding to a halt in front of your door, Fran. And the figure pauses and looks at you guys for a minute, and then she takes off her veil, and it's the Goddess.

[collective gasp]

Kat: And she gives a little wave.

Kaitlin : I throw myself out of my room.

Sophia: I drop to the floor.

Noel: I say,

Fran: Hi!

Kaitlin:I'm like, groveling. I'm on my hands and knees, my face is pressed into the cold marble floor.

Kat: She looks incredibly uncomfortable about that. [All Laughing.] And she starts to do these hand motions which, Sophie, you are mystified by. Laika, you have no idea what's happening. You two, however, are able to identify that they are parts of spells. Like, parts of the hand motions of spells, which as spells come from words, what she's doing is using incantation movements in order to create a sign language. So you guys can understand her, Sophie, you have no idea.

Sophia [sadly]: I have some spells.

Kat: Yeah, but you don't do incantations, you're a cleric– ur, you're a paladin, I'm sorry.

Sophia: What am I? Who am I?

Kat: You're a pal-adin.

Noel: You're a Paul-a-deen.

[laughter]

Kat: You just eat so much butter.

Kaitlin: Shit.

Sophia: My number one weapon is butter. [everyone softly giggles] Gets 'em every time.

Kat: Me too! Okay, so she says to you guys,

The Goddess [in sign language]: Hurry, and follow me.

Noel: Oh!

Kat: Mhm.

Fran: Okay! Hey, Laika, the Goddess wants us to follow her.

Laika [dutifully]: Of course!

[Snorting]

Kat: Nice, nice. Okay, so you guys just follow her?

Noel: Yeah, we go with her.

Kat: Okay, cool. So she brings you down the hallway, and up a set of spiral stairs. They go up for a while, and there are openings to let out on different floors, but you keep going up, and like you just keep going up. And right when you think that you're about to be done, you just keep going up. Until the very top of the staircase. So you guys exit into the aviary. Which is silent. It's absolutely silent. And...as you look around, you realize it's because all of the birds are dead.

Kaitlin: I start to cry. I'm sobbing, I'm like, tears streaming down my giant bird eyes.

Noel: I start looking around.

Kat: Mhm.

Noel: And I say to the goddess,

Fran: Uh,Do you know what happened here?

Kat: She shakes her head.

Kaitlin: I throw myself on the floor. I'm like a wailing, weeping, waif.

Kat: The Goddess comes over and she pats your shoulder, strokes your hair, and is trying to be comforting.

Kaitlin: Aw, I’m comforted.

Noel: I’m going to do an investigation check on the dead birds.

Kat: Okay.

[dice rolling]

Noel: [disappointedly muttering]  I got an 8.

Sophia: I’ll try the same [rolls]  uh, 16.

[mysterious scary angelic organ fades in] 

Kat: Ok,  Looking at these dead birds, Laika, there’s no physical marks. it doesn't look like they’ve been poisoned,  doesn’t look like they’ve been shot, or their necks aren’t snapped, There doesn’t look like there is any reason that the birds should be dead- they just are-you can tell they’re cold, they’ve been dead at least a few hours now.

Sophia: Are they all the same kind of bird?

Kat: No, it’s a bunch of all different kinds of songbirds.

Sophia: Oh, so small then?

Kat: Yeah, they are all very small song birds.

Sophia: Is there like a magical?

Noel: Okay, I have a spell called Identify, and obviously I know what it is, but I can learn what spells are affecting an item- if I use it on them.

Kat: Okay you use Identify - you can't tell any specific spells, but you can tell that the life was drained from them and it was by magic.

Noel: Okay.

Kat: So the Goddess , through her sign language, she came up here and they were like this when she arrived . But when she was up here this morning, They were all alive and fine, and she tried to tell her attendants, but they said that it was probably bad feed, and that she should go back to bed.

Noel [Thoughtfully]: Hmmmm….

Sophia:  Can we search the room?

Kat: Yeah, go ahead.

Sophia: Is that a perception check then? Or-

Kat: Do an investigation since you’re searching.

Sophia: Okay 

[Rolls Dice] 

Kat: It is such a weird fine line between those two-

Noel: -I got a 20

Kat: Niccee. Not natural?

Noel: No.

Kat: In searching the room,  you don’t really find anything out of the ordinary. You find their bird seed, but it seems fine. You find a lot of bird droppings- there is just so much bird poop up here.  [All Laughing] But it looks like normal bird poop from what you know about bird poop.

Noel: Which is a lot. If we’re Corbin.

[Laughing]

Kat : Corbin, you look at the bird poop. and you’re like: Yep, Bird poop.

Kaitlin: I start to gather all the tiny birds in my arms like an inconsolable and distraught,  confused person suffering from extreme grief.

Kat: Uh, I see, I see.

Noel: [confused] Just Like That

Kaitlin: Just like that 

Kat: Just… like that 

Kaitlin: Anyways, they are all in my arms,  I’m carrying them around.

Sophia: Can I use divine sense? I can read it.

Kat: Yeah, just read it, let me see what it is

Sophia: “The presence of strong evil registers on your senses like a noxious odor. Powerful good rings like heavenly music in your ears. Until the end of your next turn you know the location of any celestial, fiend, undead within sixty feet of you that is not behind total cover” etc, etc.

Kat: Cool, so you do that. There is something undead around. And it is very strong and has been here recently. And it feels like it’s clinging to this place-to the birds.

Laika:[apprehensive] Oo guys, uh something’ messed up is going on, I gotta weird vibe here.

Fran: EW! I don’t like this. It's gross!

Kaitlin: I drop one of the birds I am carrying and begin to wail. 

[everyone chuckles]

Kat: the Goddess picks up your bird for you --

Kaitlin: Aw, thanks.

Kat: and with her free hand she says She'll help you give them a proper burial--

Kaitlin: I start to cry harder because I am so touched

Kat: -- But for the moment, why don’t you put them down?

[laughing]

Kaitlin: I reluctantly drop the birds

Kat: Okay.

Noel: You just dropped them?

Kaitlin: I mean yeah, I can't just ignore the direct order from the Goddess!

Noel :[disbelievingly] Oh. my god.

Kaitlin: So I drop them.

Kat: For your Goddess? 

[everyone groans]

Noel: that's a name of an anime [everyone laughs and groans] I refuse to say that.  Fran does not say that.

Sophia: Oh my Goddess?

Kaitlin: But Noel says it.

Kat: What do you wanna do about that undead presence?

Sophia: I want to open that undead present up.

Kat: Its not...No ... Wrong type of presence.

Sophia: Do I have a sense of direction? It says within sixty feet or time of how long it's been...

Noel: Yeah, can we follow a trail of undead presents?

Sophia: Yeah. 

[giggles]

Kat: Yeah you can actually. It's no longer in this room but it’s not here but it is somewhere below you.

Sophia: Do I get a sense like it's super big and scary? Do I know-

Kat: It is larger than a bread box.

Laika: Guys, we are dealing with a very large...bread box. 

[All laughing]

Laika:  An undead bread box.

Kat [upset]: why did you guys...This is the basketballs all over again!

    Fran: I am very afraid of bread boxes. I don’t like this.

    Laika: I like keeping my bread, just out, not in a box.

      Corbin: [very hoarsely] I'll never eat bread again!

Kaitlin:[embarrassed] I'm sorry guys that was my first attempt at a character voice during this podcast and I have failed-

Noel:[amused] You sounded like a demon, 

Kaitlin: I sounded like Sophie.

Sophia: Let's take another one.

Kaitlin: I even practiced!

Noel: Let's hear it

Corbin: [less weirdly, like a weird rich old man] I’ll never eat bread again!

Sophia: Perfect. There we go

Kat [pitfully and quietly]: I'm dying…

 [everyone cackles]

Noel : Alright, let’s go down the stairs.

Kat: Okay! You go down the stairs. It is a long way down because there’s just a lot of stairs. This is the tippy top of the Goddess' temple.

 [mysterious scary angelic organ fades in] 

Kat: As you head down, Laika, you feel that the undead presence getting much much stronger. It’s like clinging to you the further down you go.

Laika:[uneasy]  Hey guys, just so you know it smells just like a really moldy bread box full of shit. 

[all giggling]

Kat: How do you know what a bread box smells like?

Sophia: Because I know what a box of moldy shit smells like. Because-

Fran: Honestly, any smell that grosses Laika out I’m really afraid of because she smells butts all day long.

Laika: And I eat dead things generally too, that’s my lifestyle, so believe me when it comes to odors, this is-this is bad. 

Corbin: I have a crippling fear of bread mold. 

Kat: As you guys are talking about your fears of bread mold, the Goddess [exasperated sigh] gives this really exasperated sigh and just pushes on ahead of you guys.

[chuckles]

Noel: That’s fair.

Sophia: Can I roll to hold the Goddess's hand? 

Kat: You can just do it, you don’t need to roll.

Sophia: I hold her hand.

Kat: Okay, she’s-she lets you hold her hand --

Sophia: [whispered] yessss!

Kat: But it's more like she is pulling you down the stairs.

Sophia: Cool.

Noel: Alright, we all follow the Goddess.

Kat: So you are exiting back onto the main floor of the rest of the temple and as you exit onto that floor, Laika you are floored by this presence. It is here, it is within probably 20 ft of you or less and it's getting closer,  before you are able to warn anyone, out of the shadows, materializes this figure. And it's made of the shadows. It's dripping smoke, and it's blacker than the night. And it is coming straight towards you.  Roll for initiative!

Noel: Ugh [sharp intake of breath] okay..

Kaitlin: Solid 10.

Sophia: 13. 

Noel: I got 13

[mysterious scary angelic organ fades out]

Kat: Mhm.

Sophia: I got 13 too.

Kat: Umm...

Noel: Well, I got 13 too.

Sophia: I got 13 too.

Kat: Okay! And [rolls] ... Ok! Sophia, Laika, you are going to go first!

Sophia: Yah, um…

Noel: So it's a shadow creature? 

Kat: Mhmm!

Noel: How big is it?

Kat: It is roughly about 6 ft tall and is floating half a foot off the floor.

Sophia: And he looks like he’s coming for us?

Kat: Heck yeah, he is going straight for you!

Sophia: Alright, so, I guess it's time to just use divine smite because-

Kat: Smite-smite the shit out of that guy.

Sophia: This guy seems like what I’m about.

Noel: He’s undead, do you get advantage for that?

Sophia: I was wondering that. Umm...

Kat: That’s a good question that I don’t know the answer to.

Sophia: Yes, it says damage increases by 1d8 if the target is an undead or fiend.

Kat: Okay ,so you don’t get advantage but do get increased damage. Okay

Sophia: [rolls] Natural Twentyyy

Noel: Whaaaat?!

Kaitlin: Damn.

Noel: Oh my god.

Sophia: This is going to be double the damage then too..

Noel [singing]: Double the damage~ Double the dead~

Kaitlin: He’s dead.

Sophia: He’s probably-probably dead.

Kat: Well, then just do it.

Sophia: [rolling the dice] Plus two [more rolling] then this times two--

Kaitlin: Oh shit!

Sophia: That's going to be 46 damage 

[cross talk] 

Kat and Kaitlin: Holy shit! -

[Everyone laughing]

Kat: It’s so dead. Ohh woow, that thing is dead. Ooooh it’s undead, and now it’s dead.  So the Goddess stops in her tracks as the shadow comes out of the wall. And you, emboldened by holding her hand, you just step out in front! You- Are you guys armed? Did you take your weapons? 

Sophia, Kaitlin, and Noel: Yeah.

Kat: Okay!

Kaitlin: Definitely.

Noel: We sure did.

Sophia: I always bring my weapon to a party.

Kat: Okay, I accept that. So you take your great sword and you just cleave this thing in two. [party makes excited noises] Longways!

Sophia: Can I do a backflip once I finish?

Kat: Yeah, you leap forwards, you cleave it in two, and then backflip to where you were. 

Kaitlin: And it peels slowly, right?

Kat: Yeah. It peels slowly and then dissolves into the shadows.

Kaitlin: That's so cool!

Noel: My mouth is open and I am just frozen in admiration

Kaitlin: Yeah, I can’t believe what I am seeing, I am over my grief I’ve forgotten about the dead birds. 

Laika: Thanks you guys. Hell yeah!

Kat: So just as you guys are starting to celebrate, three more shades step out of the wall.

Kaitlin: Kat! You did this.

Kat: They were there from the beginning, don’t worry.

 [adfkjsdkfsdf (creepy fight music)starts]

Kat : So, Fran, it is now your turn.

Noel: Okay, well, I try to recover from being dumbfounded by being really impressed by Laika, and I cast scorching ray.

Kat: [to the melody of purple rain] Scorching raay~[laughter]

Noel: [rolls and sounds of disappointment]

Kat:  So you were just so dumbfounded [laughter] Fran, so dumbfounded and even more dumbfounded by more shades steps out from the shadows, you attempt to scorch that ray and it just fizzles.

Laika: Geez these guys are throwing shade 

[groans and sputters]

Kat: Alright, it’s the shades  attack. They are actually gonna go after the Goddess.

Noel: Whaat?

Kaitlin: Oohh.

Kat: Well, the shade that’s attacking, anyways.  

Noel: Fuck these guys.

Kat: So that hit her, and it hurt. aaand now it is... the Goddess's turn and she’s just gonna to run to the back of you guys. She is going to get behind you guys now.

Noel, Kaitlin, Sophia : That’s fair.

Kat: And Kaitlin, you’re up. 

Kaitlin: Oh cool, uhh, so I’m going to cast Moonbeam.

Kat: Okay, soooo what do I have to do?

Kaitlin: Uhh you have to make a constitution saving throw and so you just have to get...

Kat: And oh, that has critically failed. 

Kaitlin: Oh hell yeah! Do I get to do extra shit? Because you critically failed?

Kat: No, I don’t think so 

Kaitlin: Okay, well then-

Kat: It’s an automatic miss no matter what.

Sophia: Does it look really cool though?

Kaitlin: Yeah probably. It’s gonna look pretty awesome 

Kaitlin [really quiet]: That’s 10.

Kat: So just 10 damage? So you catch the shade off guard and engulf it in light. And now it’s another shades turn. And it's going to go after Laika [roll] . And I don’t think that is gonna hit, its a 13 plus-

Sophia: I have 18 armor class. 

Kat: Yeah ,that’s not going to hit. Okay back to the top-oh no it’s another shade [rolls] and the other shade is also going after you and it didn’t hit. So Laika, it is your turn.

Sophia: So I’m gonna cast Shield of Faith on the Goddess.

Kat: Alright.

Sophia: “This spell creates a shimmering magical field around the touched creature that averts attacks. The spell grants the subject a 2+ deflection bonus to AC”Do I have to roll for that or just cast?

Kat: No. You did it, you did it, Good Job! Now Fran, it is your turn

Noel: So I’m going to cast Scorching Ray, so I get my three rays of fire.

Kat: Yes.

Noel: I’m going to hurl one at the shade that is hurt.

Kat: Okay, Shade 1-

Noel: Shade 1.

Kat:-I keep calling these shades. They’re actually called shadows in the Monster’s Handbook but I’m going to keep calling them shades.

Noel: Sounds good. Uh, does Shade 1 have a name? 

Kat: Uh, Shane.

Noel: Shane?

 [everyone giggles] 

Noel: What Shade 2’s name? 

Kaitlin: Lampshade

 [everyone snickers]

Kat: No! His name is Shawn!

Noel: So Shane and Lampshade.

 [All laughing]

Kat: Well, the third one's name is Shawn. 

Noel [While Laughing]: Okay, perfect, so I’m going to attack Shane -

Kat: Kay

Noel: - aand [rolls] that's 19. “On a hit, the target takes 2d6 fire damage” 

Kat: Okay!

Noel: [rolls] It takes 2 damage because I rolled two ones.

[everyone giggling]

Kat: Nice, Alright! 

Kaitlin [whispers]: snake eyes!

Noel: I have two more, so I’m gonna attack them again. And that’s a 16.

Kat: That’ll hit.

Noel: Okay. [Rolls] 2 plus 6, 8. 

Kat: Alright, Shaaaane...Shane is dead! You killed him! He dissolves. 

Noel: I hate you Shane.

Kaitlin: Fuck you Shane!

Noel: I have one more ray of light [rolls] and I’m going to attack Lampshade. [laughing] and Lampshade, that is a 16. 

Kat: That does 16 damage?

Noel: No. 

Kat: Oh, yes, that...that hits.

Noel: Fuck you Lampshade! Here I come! with 6 damage.

Kat: Okay, they are not looking great. Lampshade and Shawn are looking a bit.. a little hesitant.. but it’s Lampshade’s turn, and Lampshade is.. and Lampshade’s going to go after you, Fran, it’s not super happy with you right now and that’s going to beee... 19.

Noel: Oh yeah, that hits.

Kat: That super hits.

Noel: It certainly does.

Kat: Okay. That’s gonna be [rolls] 11..13 damage? Plus your strength modifier- your strength score is reduced by 4.

Noel: Shit! 

Kat: So everytime this thing attacks it is able to do 1d4 of damage to the strength score and if your strength score reaches 0, you die.

Noel:[worried] Oooh.

Kat: Yes.

Kaitlin: Woah..

Kat: It is not happy with you. 

Kaitlin: Oh Damn.

Sophia: This is the last one or there are two more?

Kat: There are two more.

Sophia: Okay. 

Noel [quietly and sadly]: okay.

Kaitlin: How you doin’?

Noel:[Nervous] So, I only have 9 strength. 

[everyone laughs]

Kat: Oh no! 

Sophia: If I were to heal her, would it heal her strength score?

Kat: I don’t know.

Noel: Er, I don’t think so.

Kat: I don't think so though. The shade is currently- it is latched onto you and it is draining your strength. So Lampshade is doing what lampshades do... covering your head . 

[everyone laughs]

Noel: From within lampshade I scream out:

Fran: I hate lamp! I hate carpet! 

[everyone laughs]

Kat: It is the Goddess's turn, and she’s not going to do anything , she doesn’t have anything to do, she’s going to continue to hide behind you guys. So Corbin you’re up, it’s all you. 

Kaitlin: Okay, do you need to be healed? How are you feeling, in there? 

Noel: I just scream.

[chuckles]

Kaitlin: I’m going to heal you. I’m going to take care of you.

Noel: If I get another hit, of the same level, I am going to be dead. 

Kaitlin: I was gonna-I was thinking of moving the Moonbeam, but I was worried that I was going to accidently hit you with it  [laughing] and that would complicate matters.  So I'm gonna cast… I’m not going to touch you… So I’m going to cast Healing Word on you Fran… a creature of your choice, which I’m choosing Fran, reluctantly [laughing]. 4 plus 6, so you are going to get 10 hitpoints--

Noel: [softly] Yay, thank you.  

Kaitlin: And the word that I choose to say is once again: 

Corbin: Berger-Jerger!

Noel: That’s two words.

Kaitlin: Uhh one word together, it’s a single.. it’s a name, hyphenated. 

Kat: It’s a proper noun. Okay, so it is Shawn’s turn.  Aaand this shade is going to hide because they can do that. So it just sort of dissolves back into the shadows.  It rolled a 19, so if any one of you wants to contest that, and spot it, you can.

Kaitlin: Weeell, how would we contest that?

Sophia: Divine Sense over here.

Kat: Yeah, you can try and divine sense it, yeah!

Noel: Shawn!? Don’t go invisible on me Shawn!

Sophia: Is Shawn the last one? 

Kat: No, there is still Lampshade. 

Kaitlin: Great Reference. I got it.  [chuckling]

Sophia: It is my turn then?

Kat: Yeah it is, it is your turn.

Sophia: Okay, then I’m gonna attack Lampshade then. 

Noel: [menacingly whispers] Kill it!

Kat: But don’t kill Fran.

Sophia: I’m trying not to.

Kaitlin: Yeah don’t kill Fran. But I mean if you do, it’s alright. 

[laughter] 

Sophia: 21.

Kat: 21, that’ll hit. 

Sophia: That’s 6.

Kat: Okay, cool.  And Fran, it is your turn now.

Noel:  Okidoki, so Lampshade is still on my head? 

Kat: Yeah, Lampshade’s still on you

Sophia: But how--how though? [quietly] I slapped it.

Noel [Singing]: Lampshade, I hate this~I’m going to use-

Kat: How much do you know about how shadows move?

Sophia: Not much.

Kat: It’s still on her.

Noel: I’m going to use Shocking Grasp.

Kaitlin: Shocked again.

Kat: What a shocking turn of events!

Sophia and Kat [singing to melody of  “you give love a bad name” by Bon Jovi]: Shocked through the heart, you’re (Fran’s) to blame~

Kat : [continuing the singing] You give magic, a good name~

Noel: Thank you for changing it to good. Cause I was going to be like “that’s true and I have low self esteem!” [laughter] That is 15.

Kat: That’ll hit.

Noel: So I grab onto it and it makes a comically loud buzzing noise.

Kat: [rolls] Okay, seven and is that on Lampshade?

Noel: That’s on Lampshade, that’s on my head.

Kat: Lampshade dissolves!

Noel [gruffly]: Fuck you Lampshade! 

Kat: Yeah, you’re free!

Noel: I take a deep breath, and I just feel great.

Kat: Good. Good.

Kaitlin: You feel rejuvenated.

Kat and Kaitlin: [Sounds of approval]

Kaitlin: Nice charcoal mask you had on. Oh wow, your skin is glowing 

[giggles]

Noel [quietly and laughing]: Thank you, yeah.

Kat: It is the Goddess' turn.. and are any of you hurt?

Noel: I still have 3 hit points missing.

Kat: She is going to cast...what is that?

Sophia: Like Lay on Hands? 

Kat: Lay on Hands, thank youuu. So she is going to restore 3 hit points to you.  She’s going to touch your shoulder and restore three hit points. 

Noel: Tears gather in my eyes but I try not to show her.

Kat: Okay. aaand Corbin. 

Kaitlin: Alright! Uhh soo all that is left is Shawn right?

Kat: Yeah, Shawn is gone. 

Kaitlin: oh Fuck.

Sophia:[ominously] God damn you, Shawn. 

[Laughter] 

Kaitlin: God what can I do if he’s gone? Hold on.. 

Sophia: Shawn Girl. Gone Girl. 

Noel [laughs very hard, then quietly]: That’s funny.

Kaitlin: I wouldn’t be able to detect him using Detect Magic would I? I mean-

Kat: I mean you can give it a shot.

Kaitlin: But wouldn’t that mean I waste my turn,  anyways

Kat: Yes.

Noel: Can you save turns?

Kat: Yeah, you can hold your action  until the beginning of the next round...after Shawn’s turn.

Kaitlin: Okay, I can go. Alright.

Kat: Yeah cause Shawn is next.

Kaitlin: Alright. I'm going to do that then. I am going to hold...my uh .. hand? wait what am I holding?

Kat: Hold your action.

Kaitlin: That’s what it is! I’m holding… I’m holding my action and I’m holding my hand.

Kat: You’re holding your action by holding your own hand?

Kaitlin: Yes, I’m going like this. I’m going like this. Fingers clasped.

Kat: You’re praying?

Kaitlin: Yeah..yeaah. Nooo.. I’m just holding my hand

Noel: By making a praying motion?

Kat: But without actually praying?

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Kat: Cool, cool.  So, Shawn reappears right behind you guys, and grabs hold of the Goddess, or attempts to. Oh my gosh no!  That’s a 2! The Goddess is able to duck and it barely misses her. And now it is… since you held your action, it’s Corbin’s turn.

Kaitlin: Cool. Is...Shawn is not like, on the Goddess right?

Kat: Well, he’s close by her but not on her.

Kaitlin: I’m going to move my Moonbeam. And it's going to encompass Shawn like a, like a really.. hot.. hug.  I mean temperature hot, not like sexy hot.

Kat: Shawn is a little turned on.  

Kaitlin: Dammit Shawn! You sick bastard!

Kat: Laika, it’s your turn.

Sophia: Should I just let him die in the Moonbeam? Like probably-

Noel: Yeah attack him!

Sophia: Alright-

Noel: Why would you not attack him?

Sophia: I just like to watch him burn. 

Kaitlin: Yikes.

Kat: Some tieflings...

Kaitlin: Don’t push him out of the moon beam.

Sophia: Ooo...That’s a...miss.  I missed on purpose. I wanna watch him burn. 

[laughter]

Kat: Okay, then it is Fran.

Noel: Okay. I’m going to cast Poison Spray. The creature has to succeed on a constitution saving throw.

Kat: That is an 11.

Noel: That does not not beat my spell..attack DC.

Kat: Okay go for it.

Noel: So, I do 3 damage.

Kat: 3 damage, alright.  Aaand It is the Goddess’s turn, does anyone need healing?

Sophia: The Goddess does, right?

Kaitlin: She needs healing.

Sophia: Is she going to heal herself?

Kat: She’s not gonna. So it is Corbin's turn now.

Kaitlin: I’m going to give him a rough tap. 

[Noel  groans.] 

Kaitlin: With my spear

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: Uhhh, here’s my D20.

Noel: One more point of strength just drains from Fran as she hears that.

Kaitlin: Uhh, ooh, I don’t think it hits. Ummm.

Kat: That is… You rolled a 2. So you do… you tap it roughly. It does nothing.

Kaitlin: Cool. Sorry guys.

Kat: Maybe you can learn how to stab.

Noel: I can’t even look at you right now.

[laughter]

Kat: Ughhh. Well alright, it is Shawn’s turn again.

Kaitlin: Does he get damaged by the Moon beam now?

Kat: Yeah he does!

Kaitlin: Yaay!

Kat: How much damage does he take?

Kaitlin: You have to make a constitution saving roll and then that will dictate how much damage he takes.

[Kat rolls]

Kaitlin: Ohhhh you have failed.

Kat: I failed very hard

Kaitlin: So I get to roll 2d10. [Rolls] okay so that’s 10.

Kat: So Shawn is now looking ...a little less happy. I mean it’s really hard to tell how he’s feeling, because he is a being made entirely out of shadow and doesn’t have a face.  So. Anyway. Going to go after the Goddess again [rolls]. Aand that is going to hit!

Sophia: Should have healed herself, I told her.

Kaitlyn: she’s self destructive

Kat: Mhm.

Noel: Don't be exactly one half of a black forest ham, Shawn.

[laughter]

Kat: Okay, aaand it has attached itself to the Goddess, and now it is Laika’s turn.

Sophia: Alright. Y’all know I’m gonna to stab this shade.  

[Awkward silence] 

Kaitlin:Was there supposed to be laughter? [chuckles]

Sophia: Yes laugh for me! Please!

Kaitlin & Noel: [Fake laughter]

Sophia: [in a silly voice] Ah your pained laughs, they give me strength.

Kat:[over it] Just.. what did you roll??

Sophia: I rolled an 8.

Kat: Plus?

Sophia: That’s going to be a 14.

Kat: Uh yeah, that hits.

Sophia: Sweet [rolls] He’s dead

Kat: Yeah, he’s dead, super dead. So, you cut the shade off of the Goddess...and dun dun dun dah duuunn daaa, you guys win!

Everyone: Yayyyy!

[Interlude Music]

Noel: Hello! HI! [awkward] It’s me, Noel. And I usually play Fran! but right  now [sigh]I’m not. Welcome to the interlude! get ready to have a great time and definitely not skip this part to get back to the podcast! [whisper]That’s right! I see you villain!

Alright! So let’s get this thing started. First of all, thank you so much to everyone listening and commenting, our listener base is growing and we are so pleased and flattered. Make sure to keep sharing the podcast with your friends and rating and reviewing on itunes, because it really helps. Speaking of which, thanks to Catpack25 for the lovely review and 5 star rating. She also DMs for an all lady dnd group, which as we know, is the dopest stuff on this planet. Thanks also to Joe from Omaha who said wonderful, kind things about our podcast in his iTunes review and then finished it off with the phrase “Tap your brain hard with this!” which caused my soul to leave my body! And fly to hell! Kaitlin loved this, by the way. And I hated it! Joe from Omaha, I died laughing when I read this review and also I’m coming to fight you right away! So, thanks so much you son of a B. 

Also, I think I missed shout outs last week for SarahSkriters on tumblr and Hannahfabledquill, you guys are awesome thank you so much for sharing your stuff on tumblr, and I’m sorry that I forgot to thank you last week. [weird pause] I have ADD! Anyways! 

Thank you to Juicywizards on Tumblr, who drew some beautiful fanart of Fran. Also, what an apt username. Also, Fran in this art is saying: 

Fran: I just woke up ten minutes ago and I DO NOT want to be here. 

And it expresses her deep inner truth so accurately and I love it so much. Thank you. Everyone check that out on tumblr please. Great transition! Thanks Noel! This week I’m going to expand the explanation of our tumblr a little bit: 

As of right now, our tumblr, damesanddragons.tumblr.com is our main home base. This is one of the many ways we communicate with the listeners, through their reblogs and use of the ask function. If you use tumblr, please consider following our blog! We post episode updates there, answer questions, post official art [low whisper] which by the way is literally incredible just saying. Reblog fan posts and post extra thoughts from the cast. We also have bios of our characters, and ourselves! along with all the links and information regarding this podcast. 

But hey, do you have a burning question about our podcast that just isn't answered there in? Do you want to say dumb funny shit to us? Do you love Q&As? Great news! And great transition Noel! Thanks! We’re going to release a special question and answer episode coming up after the festival of lights arc complets. Now this won’t be posted for a while, obviously, but please start sending in your questions now. Those questions can be about the world of Estra, Kat’s DMing style, any of our characters, our podcasting methods, our sound track or even just about us personally. We’re really excited to see what you guys are wondering about, we’ll be taking those questions on our tumblr, but also on facebook where our page in DamesandDragons and also on Twitter where we can be reached @Dragondames. (Unfortunately dames and dragons was taken) If you want to @ them, you can sure try! So thanks so much for listening y’all! And Now we all tell Chantel to listen. 

Kat: Chantel, please listen to our podcast. 

Kaitlin: Chantel, listen to me, the last time I sat on your couch, I couldn’t feel my butt for three days afterwards. I only sat there for two hours but I lost all bun feeling for three days. So please, Chantel, listen to me, I need you to get a new couch. 

[laughter] 

Kat: Ok Chantel, the code word is “Popsicle” the sleeper agent is activated! Go!

[Interlude music]

Kat: So, as the last shade dissipates, the Goddess is.. she is clearly shaken and she is trying to sign something but her hands are just shaking so hard. This, this is not a fun night- this is not a fun night for her.

Sophia: Can I give her a hug?

Kat: Yeah, you can give her a hug.

Sophia: Okay. I give a hug.

Kat: She seems comforted by this.

Sophia: Oh Good.

Kaitlin: I hug her legs.

Kat: She’s a little confused by that but she is still comforted.

Noel: I pretend to not know those people and just stand there.

Kat: Stand and stare off into the middle distance? [chuckles]

Noel: Yes. [laughing]

Kat: Cool, so as you guys are hugging and pretending that you guys don’t know each other respectively, there is a shout from the other end of the hall and several other guards come down running the hall.

Guards: Goddess, my Goddess are you okay? What’s happened? What happened?

Laika: You guys are 3 years late. That's what happened.

Corbin: Don’t you guys know how to do your damned jobs?

Guards: The alarm wasn’t sounded: we just heard a commotion!

Fran: Well the alarm wasn’t sounded for us either and look where we are, Doing our Damn jobs!

Corbin: That's right, Fran.

Laika: That's right.

Kat: The Goddess makes a motion-

Goddess: Calm down, everybody calm down.

Kat: She is about to get out that much.

Sophia:I point to my eyes and I point to the guards.

Noel: I tell Corbin to hold me back.

 Fran: Corbin, hold me back!

Kaitlin: I firmly grasp Fran’s arms.

Noel: I weakly struggle against the grasp.  I barely struggle at all but I do struggle.

Sophia: and I’m like-

Laika:Let her go! Let her show em! 

[laughter]

Kat: As you are shouting at the guards, the two deer veiled attendants cut through the crowd of guards and they say:

Attendants: Oh my Goddess. oh Goddess, oh come with us.  You must stay in your chambers it is far too dangerous for you to be out. What were you even doing this late at night?

Kat: And they just whisk her away.

Noel: Kaitlin, Sophia: {Sounds of exclamation.}

Kat: Before you guys can say anything.

Noel: I just hate those people.  What kind of veils did they have?

Kat: Deer. The deer veiled ones. [all laughing ]

Sophia: It’s a little suspicious.

Noel: I don't trust those guys. [giggles]

Kat: They were your own people. Your own clan!

Noel: Yeah yeah whatever.

Kat: Okay, so what do you guys want to do?

Kaitlin: I want to chase em

Kat: Wanna chase them?

All: [Sounds of agreement]

Sophia: Yeah we gotta follow them.

Noel: Yeah lets do it...lets do it..lets do it

Sophia, Kaitlin, Noel [together]:steathily

Kaitlin: Yeah! I can cast Pass Without A Trace if we wanna follow the guards.

Sophia: Let’s do it. 

Kaitlin: Stealthily, okay.

Sophia: We are following the deer attendants though right?

[Sounds of agreement]

Kaitlin: So I cast that and I include y’all all in my shroud.

Kat: Okay, so you guys just follow them?

Sophia, Kaitlin, Noel:  Sounds of affirmation

Kat: So you gonna have to-- still going to have to roll some stealth rolls. And I know you get crazy bonuses on ‘em but you could still fail.

Noel: Should we still get plus things on stealth? If we’re-

Sophia: Plus 10 right?

Noel: Because it is plus ten to dexterity.

Kat: I think yeah, because it is a dexterity-

Sophia: It says dexterity and then it says parentheses stealth checks. So we’re good. 

Noel: Okay so we get plus ten on plus checks because of this spell.

Kaitlin: Because of this spell, yeah.

Sophia: 14.

Kat: So you got a 4, okay.

[rolls]

Sophia: I’m not stealthy.

Kaitlin: Uh [laughter and sounds of disbelief]

Kat: And that is why I had you roll! [laughter]

Noel: Kaitlin got a 1

Kaitlin: I critically failed.

Sophia: Can we try and,  muffle her sound?

Kat: Naw, no that's a critical fail. There is no coming back from this.

Kaitlin: But its plus ten!

Kat: No, it’s still a critical fail.

Kaitlin: Dammit.

Kat: Laika, Fran, you guys are doing pretty good despite neither of you being really that proficient in stealth, especially Laika. but you know how to not trip over the entire group of guards on your way past them.  Unlike Corbin who trips  over a foot of one of the guards, and with that trip hits another one, bounces off of that guard, punches one in the face, and trips again from that spin of that punch and ends up headbutting one in the nuts. 

[sneaky/jazzy music starts]

Kaitlin: These aren't the deer attendants, these are just the guards right?

Kat: Yeah these are the guards that came to investigate.

Corbin: I was just on my way to my room to sleep...I’m so sorry

Noel: When Corbin does this, Fran dissolves into laughter [laughing]

Sophia: Can I try and sneak ahead of them?

Kat: Yeah, you’re still hidden. Actually. both.. no, Fran is not.

Noel: Yeah, I started laughing. See you later, Laika.

Sophia: Okay, I’m going to follow the deer attendants.

Kat: Okay so you two, the guards will escort two back to your rooms,

Kaitlin: We can sneak out, probably. [snickering]

Kat: But Laika, you at least have one lick of sense. And are able to follow behind the Goddess and her attendants.

Sophia: Undetected. Stealth Wolf!

Kat: So you follow them both back to the Goddess’s room, which is actually very close to your guys’ rooms because you are her personal guards. And they stash her in there very quickly. They don’t say anything to her, they don’t really do anything other than sort of shove her into her room, shut the door behind her and lock the door. And then they continue down the hallway.  They are too far away to hear what they are saying but they are speaking to one another.

Sophia: Can I try and get closer?

Kat: Sure, roll.

Sophia: Is that a dex?

Kat: Yeah, you’re still stealth roll.

Sophia: [rolls followed by laughter] That's a 1.  

Kat: You try to get closer to them. And you do you do definitely get closer to them, you get so close in fact, step on the hem of one of their robes.

Sophia: Hold on, can I...make it seem like I’m a ghost? 

Kat: ...Okay, you know what,sure

Sophia: With Thaumaturgy?

Kat[disbelievingly]: Sure, you can make yourself seem...like a ghost...

Sophia: I have a cantrip Thaumaturgy. So I am gonna make-let me look at my options here [hums]- should I make my voice boom or have harmless tremors on the ground.

Noel: Neither of them are going to make anyone think you are a you’re a ghost!

Kaitlin [uncertain]: I think if you’re that close to them you can make your voice boom maybe they’ll get scared?

Sophia: Imma say 

Laika: I’m a ghooost!

Sophia: and make my voice boom.

Kat: Do a performance check.

Sophia: Guys, I’m going to rock this ghost performance [Roll] that's an 18 plus 3.

Kat: Okay, so you yell that-

Noel [Quietly]: I hate this.

Kat: You yell, and I quote “I’m a ghost!!” And the attendants start and startle and look around.  Apparently they are convinced! Against all odds. And you do hear one them mutter something.

Attendant on the right: Oh my lord protect me.

Kat: And they hurry away.

Noel: [while laughing]we can keep following them I guess?

Kat: Yeah, you can keep following them.

Sophia: Yeah, Imma follow them.

Kat: Okay. [giggling] They just go back to their rooms.

Sophia: I’m going to just meet up with my gang.

Kat: With your gang?

Sophia: But, can I make them think I’m a ghost?

Kat: Okay, do another performance check.

Kaitlin: Can I contest this?

Noel: I’m still laughing. I’m not going contest anything I’m distracted.

Sophia: I critically fail.

Kaitlin: I get a ten so I don’t believe it.

Kat: You don’t believe it for a second. You’re not convinced. You know it’s Laika.

Kaitlin: I wallowing in shame for what I done. And so I’m just not.  I’m not ready for shit right now

Noel: I fall down on the ground. I can no longer support myself. I’m surrounded by fools.

Kat: Laika did have a moment of badassery there. Just one.

Kaitlin: One moment, yeah.

Laika: Thanks, you guys.

Noel: I’m still laughing.

Kaitlin: Are you still in the hallway right now?

Sophia: No, I’m in your room, where the party is. Where we all are. We’re all in the room.

Kaitlin:  Right, right, right. I say:

Corbin: What did you find out Laika?

Laika: That I am great at pretending to be a ghost.

Corbin: Mmm, disagree. [laughter]

Noel: I’m wheezing.

Laika: Should we talk to the Goddess?

Fran: Yeah, where’d she go?

Sophia: She’s in her room.

Laika: She’s in her sweet pad.

Kat: So is that what you guys wanna do?

Kaitlin: Wait. I feel like I have something to contribute but my character doesn’t know about the happenings, so I’m going to prompt one more time:

Corbin: Did you find anything strange out?

Laika: No?

Corbin: Did you hear anything? Did they speak words?

Laika: They were talking.

Corbin: What did they say?

Laika: My lord protect me?

Corbin: That’s so weird!

Kat: You got there. You got there eventually!

Corbin: Is it -what about the Goddess? Did you forget your religion? 

[collective noises of realization]

Kat: You’re a paladin?!

Laika: Lord, Lady, whatever you identify as. Maybe the Goddess prefers to be called lord? Who am I to say?

Fran:  Yeah,that's probably not it though! That’s really suspicious. I don’t like-I don’t like these attendants. I think they should attend to their own demise.

 [bright plucky music starts]

Kat: Strong start.

Kaitlin: Rocky finish.

Kat: Rocky finish.

Noel: My whole body is still weak from laughing. Also I did have the strength sapped out of me by a Lampshade.

Kaitlin: That's true.

Kat: Yeah, yeah, so there is anything you guys want to do tonight?

Noel: We never did find any bread boxes [laughter]

Kaitlin [in Corbin’s voice]: Good point.

Sophia [in Laika’s voice]: The culprit is out there.

Kaitlin: Your bread box slipped through our fingers.

Kat: Do I just need to describe things in only very literal terms. Can I not use 

metaphors? Can I use similes?

Sophia [in Laika’s voice]: Oh, we got the metaphor.

Noel [in Fran’s voice]: You just trust us. We know what we’re talking about.

Kat: Why are you using your character voices?

.

Noel: Cause we’re praying to god

Kat: I am the Goddess- dun dun! [Kaitlin joins on the last dun]

Kaitlin: That's true.

Kat: That is true.

[Idk Idk lmao (Ending Theme)]

Kaitlin: I am the dice god [rolls]

Kat: [surprised short shrieks]

Sophia: I had the same idea.

Kaitlin: Noel is going to be so mad that we are doing this you guys.

 [continuous Rolling noises to the end]

Sophia[softly but determinedly]: ASMR ASMR ASMR sexy ASMR!

Kaitlin and Sophia [quietly]: Drop em drop em!

[unsexy breathing noises]

Episode ends