Dames & Dragons 03. Festival of Lights (Part 3)

The Guardians face their toughest challenge yet: a octa-- pentag--HEXAGONAL room. Laika continues her quest to understand human culture through Corbin, who isn't quite sure what a human is, while Fran struggles not to vomit. Meanwhile, they take on the fiend coliseum, correct past mistakes, and get introduced to the great island-city of Estra.

(Sad, regrettable sound issues continue, but this is the worst and last of it.)

✂️ Arc 1 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: KAT

FRAN THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by NOEL

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by SOPHIA

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by KAITLIN

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 3 – Festival of Lights (Part 3)

Kaitlin:
Knight of this tale is Berger-Jerger

A great bird of valor who hated murder

Though murder she did, and often so,

At the stalwart command of her clan, The Crow.

Kaitlin: That was a poem I wrote about my animal familiar, whose name is Berger-Jerger, and I love her a lot. I want to take a moment to tell you about Berger-Jerger and where she came from and the deep and important history she has to me personally and emotionally.

So, one time, I was playing a very popular video game Dragon Age Origins, and so I made a character called Lil’ Squats McGee, and Lil’ Squats is famous amongst the friend group for being beautiful and gorgeous.

Noel: That's not what Lil Squats is famous for!

[Laughter]

Noel: That's not it! 

Kaitlin: That's exactly why we all love Lil’ Squats.

Kat: It's the opposite of that!

Kaitlin: Lil’ Squats has like just a movie star face, if you can kinda imagine. Anyways-

Kat: If the fucking creature from the Black Lagoon counts as a movie star, yes!

Kaitlin: Can you please not talk about Lil Squats like that! She can hear you everywhere.

Kat: Jesus Christ!

Noel: It's all around us, my god.

Kaitlin: So, anyway, as anybody who has ever played the Dragon Age Origins game knows, at a certain point you get a Mabari hound, which is like a giant awesome dog that fights with you, and you get to name that dog. And I named that dog Berger-Jerger. And it just came to me out of the void, and since then, any animal companion I have had in Dragon Age and elsewhere has carried on the legacy name Berger-Jerger. And that's why my crow’s name is Berger-Jerger. The end.

Noel: Sophie, why did you choose to name your companion, which is a wolf, Gingie?

Sophia: Uh, thank you for asking. I appreciate it. Well, Kaitlin, my good friend to the left of me always calls ginger ale gingie. She also calls things, like a computer, a com-pew-pew.

Kaitlin: I got that from Noel!

Sophia: Oh. [Joking] Never mind. Noel is very offended.

[Laughter]

Sophia: I clearly crossed a line here. I'm sorry. So, yeah. That's basically that's why 'cuz she's a cute red wolf. Her name is Ginger Gingie and Gingerson.

Noel: Wow. I chose to name my deer Bae because that's from Snow Queen. So, I don't know about your guys’ stupid-ass reasons, but like, mine was really good.

Kaitlin: Pretentious as usual!

Noel: Also, Bae is kinda a funny name. Also, I just realized that in episode one, I was getting headbutted by antlers. The whoole time!

[Giggles]

Kat: Yep.

Noel: I'm just riddled with holes.

Kat: Listen, you're used to it.

Kaitlin: You have water hair, so like, maybe.

Kat: How do you think hair works, Kaitlin?

Kaitlin: Water hair!

Kat: How do you think water works, Kaitlin?

Kaitlin: I don't know!

Noel: Water you talking about?

Kat: Oh my god, let's play D&D.

Kaitlin: Okay.

[Guardians Theme (Festival of Lights) plays]

Kat: Hi, I'm Kat. I'm your dungeon master.

Noel: I’m Noel and I play Fran.

Kaitlin: I'm Kaitlin and I play Corbin whose animal companion is a crow named Berger-Jerger.

Noel: Ughhh!

Sophia: I'm Laika [growly voice] of the wolf claaan.

Kat: What's your actual name?

Sophia: Oh. I'm Sophia. I'm full method. I am wearing a wolf skin.

Kaitlin: Can you please stop sending wolf pelts to me? In the mail? I really don't want them anymore.

Sophia: I would never send you a wolf pelt, 'cause that's murder!

Kaitlin: I know you did that, so.

Sophia: I don't recall that.

Kat: Okay.  Last you guys were, exist, do. Big room. Wait.

[Laughter]

Noel: Kat’s losing it

.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: No Kat. Please.

Sophia: Uh, Kat has gone back to her natural state. She's on all fours-

Kaitlin: Please Kat.

Sophia: -collapsed on the ground. This is…

Kaitlin: Kat, get up! 

Noel: Kat, you can do this!

Kaitlin: Kat please!

Sophia: Kat, eye of the tiger!

Kaitlin: Kat, you may not be able to carry it, but I can carry you!

Sophia: Kat, rise! Rise!

Kaitlin: I'm really sorry! 

[Laughter]

Sophia: You're gonna carry that weight!

Kat: Oh my God. I'm back.

Noel: Get up there, space cowboy!

Kaitlin: Yeahh.

Kat: You're gonna quote bullshit at me until I get up?

Noel: That's what we always do, make you feel better.

Kat: You guys are the worst.

Kaitlin: Incorrectly quoting our favorite things.

Kat: [laughing] Okay.

Kaitlin: Kat!

Noel: To make Kat feel better, I’m gonna incorrectly quote her. This is a really intelligent and coherent description.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: That was such a good quote, it took me a half a second to register the burn it was.

Kat: Okay, let’s try this again. Let’s take this from the top. Okay. So...last time, you guys entered a room with a large sphere, sphere opened into a beautiful flower, you all healed yourselves in a pool of water and the you headed into the next room.

So the next room is a hallway, about five feet wide and it turns several times as you walk down it. And you can kinda tell that it’s a hexagon, and on each section of wall there is a keyhole.

Noel: Right, so for the keys.

Kaitlin: Ooohh.

Noel: So how many keys are there?

Kat: There are six keyholes because it’s a hexagon.

Noel: [Sheepish] Okay. Why don’t you make like a hexagon and stop.

Kaitlin: Oh-ho!

Noel: I think that’s an octagon-

Kaitlin: Yeah.

Noel: -stop sign. Anyway, so-

Kaitlin: I was ready to get on board with it though, I was about to–

Sophia:  Me too

[Laughter]

Kat: Listen,  All my hex are gone.

All: OHH.

Noel: You don’t gives any hex, alright. So what happens when we put a key into one of the keyholes?

Kat: Uh, you hear something unlock but nothing happens.

Sophia: So we have four keys?

[Kat affirms yes]

Sophia: Let’s leave them in the doors

Noel: Well, the walls?

Sophia: Wall doors.

Kat: So, you leave them in the doors. Cool. So do you guys want to go back to the last room—the arena room—the one you haven’t been in?

Noel: Uh, yep. Let’s do that.

Kat: Okay, so, you go back to the arena room. This is another hexagonal room. There are portcullises on each one of the walls. And when you walk in the doors—predictably at this point—lock behind you.

[Mysterious twinkly music begins playing]

Noel: Old hat.

Kat: Yep. So, as you guys reach the center of the room, one of the portcullises opens—actually two of them open, and two dire rats come out.

Kaitlin: Woah!

Kat: Two fiendish dire rats.

Kaitlin: R.O.U.S.? I didn’t think they existed.

[Laughter]

Kat: And roll—for—initiative!

[Kaitlin groans]

Noel: Uh Sophie, while we roll, you might have some things to use against fiends if they’re fiendish.

Sophia: I do.

Kaitlin: I got eleven.

Noel: I got a four  which is not surprising because Fran should honestly have negative initiative.

 [Laughs]

Sophia: That’s a seven.

Kat: Okay, so. Uh, the rat goes first. And it is gonna lunge straight for Corbin.

Noel: So there’s two rats?

Kat: Two rats.

Noel: What do they look like? Are there any differentiating-

Kaitlin: They’re Rodents of Unusual Size.

Kat: They are Rodents of Unusual Size, yes. Um. They are enormous rats with glowing eyes and-

Noel: Mm-hm. Does one of them have a bow and eyelashes to show it’s a girl?

Kat: Actually they both do.

Noel: Wha- Oh my god.

Kaitlin: Oh-ho.

Kat: Two lady rats for our lady podcast. Okay. So the rat is going to lunge at Corbin. Uhh, that... no, eight does not hit your armor class does it?

Kaitlin: Uh, amazingly, no.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: No it doesn’t.

Kat: Then Corbin, it’s your turn.

Kaitlin: Cool. I am gonna take my spear and I’m gonna tap that little lady rat right on her head with it.

Kat: You’re just gonna tap her?

Kaitlin: I’m gonna tap her hard. I’m gonna-

Noel: PFFFFFFT.

[Laughter]

Kat: It’s called stabbing, Kaitlin! You’re going to stab the rat!

Kaitlin: I mean I guess that’s a word that you could use.

Noel: I think Corbin’s about to have sex with that rat.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: That’s-

Laika: I’m not cool with this, Corbin.

Corbin: -[Kaitlin giggles]- I won’t engage in...in rat-bird relations, I can assure you.

[Rolls die]

Kaitlin:  Ohhh. I got a three so that’s not gonna be an issue.

Kat: Okay, that’s the other rat. And that- that rat is gonna go to Fran.

Noel: Oh man.

Kat: Uh, and then it is Sophia. Or uh, Laika.

Sophia: I’m just gonna attack it. [Rolls die] That’s a three?

Kat: That does not hit.

Kaitlin: That’s the third Three in a row [crosstalk] that we’ve rolled, I just wanna-

Noel: [crosstalk] Great.

Kat: Fran-

Sophia: Illuminati.

[Laughter]

Noel: Okay, so I am going to cast Witch Bolt

Kat: Which bolt?

Noel: Witch bolt.

Kat: Wait, which bolt?

Noel: ♪ Witch Bolt. ♪

Kat: Yeah, but which bolt?

Noel:  A witch’s kind [Laughs]

Kat: But which witch?

Noel: The k- Uhh… 

Kat: [Laughs] Okay-

Noel:[trying to move on] A beam of crackling blue energy-

[Snickering]

Noel: -launches out toward a creature, aaand it’s gonna be a sustained arc of lightning? Aaand on a hit the target takes 1d12 damage.

Kat: Okay.

Noel: Okay, so that is eighteen.

Kat: That will hit.

Noel: Ohhh, twelve plus six.

Kat: Okay, it is hella- it’s fried. You have some crispy fried rat.

Noel: [Cackles] That’s right, it’s not that hard.

Kat: Okay. So. It is back to the top of the order with Rat 2. And Rat 2 is gonna try to avenge its fallen… friend? Who knows?

Noel: Yeah, come at me. Or maybe they’re fallen lovers. I don’t give a shit, I hate rats.

Kat: Well they’re both girl rats, I forgot that. She’s gonna try and avenge her fallen friend, or foe, or possible lover. We dunno. We dunno much about rats.

Noel: I laugh.

Kat: Uh- No, that doesn’t hit. That’s a four. And now it’s Corbin.

Kaitlin: [In a raspy voice] Me?

Kat: Mm-hm.

Noel: These are unlucky rats.

Kaitlin: Yeah, they are not lucky. Uh, I’m gonna use my cantrip Produce Flame.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: Uh and on a hit the target takes 1d8 fire damage.

Kat: Awesome.

Kaitlin: And uh I got thirteen plus six.

Kat: Okay, that hits.

Kaitlin: Uh, four damage.

Kat: Okie dokie. Aaand Sophie?

Sophia: I’m gonna stab this rat

Kat: Stab it

Sophia: That’s eleven plus six so—

Kat: That hits.

Sophia: Okay.

Kat: That hit. It’s good. You’re fine. It’s dead

Sophia: Alright!

Kat: It’s super dead.

[Triumphant music]

Kat: Super dead. Good job.

Noel: Yeahhh! we killed these rats so quick you guys!

Kat: Good job. So as the second rat falls, another portcullis opens.

Noel: Hmmm, How many are there?

Kat: Uh well, there- it’s a hexagonal room.

Kaitlin: Shit.

[They make disappointed noises]

Kat: So two portcullises have already opened, this is a third one that is opening. You did come in through one of the portcullises.

Noel: Okay.

Kaitlin: So three down.

Kat: Yes.

Kaitlin: And now another- a fourth is opening.

Kat: Yes. And what shambles out is, to put it mildly, horrifying. It is more or less a pile of flesh with eyes and a mouth. This is a lemure, I think is how it’s pronounced.

Noel: That’s horrifying.

Sophia: [In a sexy voice] Mmmmm.

[Snickering]

Kat: Laika’s into it.

Kaitlin: I start crying.

Kat: Right. So Corbin, you are first.

Kaitlin: Well I’m definitely - like the tears are running down my face. And I can’t see very well because I’m crying so hard, at just- how upset I am at [crosstalk] how this thing looks.

Kat: [Crosstalk] Okay, you’re gonna take a penalty then to hit.

Kaitlin: Uhhh.

Kat: You’ve made this choice.

Kaitlin: [Laughs] I’m just being realistic you guys, I’m sorry.

Noel: I use Shape Water to pull the water out of Corbin’s eyes.

Kat: It’s not your turn, Fran.

[Kaitlin and Sophia laugh]

Noel: Well I think about doing it.

Kaitlin: Okay, uh, I, um... I guess I’mma cast Produce Flame. You said it’s fleshy, right?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: I’m gonna cast-

Kat: It’s just like a shambling mound of flesh.

Kaitlin: And I got, uh, I got seventeen but I’m taking disadvantage right? So I have to roll again? And ohhh, umm...

Sophia [worried]: Kaitlin…

Kaitlin: That’s uh… that’s gonna be eight total.

Kat: You uh, you made your roleplay bed... now you lie in it.

Kaitlin: Yeah… I’m gonna. I do that in the fantasy world as well, I lie down.

Kat: Okay. So then it is the lemure’s turn. Gonna go right for you.

Kaitlin: Mm-hmm. I am prone.

Kat: It sees- it sees your, uh, your fear. It’s attracted to it.

[Someone (probably Kaitlin) pounds on the table]

Kaitlin: [Nervous laughter]

Kat: It’s very– uh– it finds it very sexy.

Kaitlin: [Horrified laughter]

Kat: This uh— this shambling mass of flesh wants to be your girlfriend.

Kaitlin: [Makes a strangled noise] I start sobbing uncontrollably.

Kat: [Laughs] Um, okay. And so that is going to be a fourteen?

Kaitlin: [Resigned] Yeah, that hits.

Kat: That hits? [Rolls die] That is five damage. And now it’s Laika’s turn.

Sophia: Alright, let’s do this! So… I’mma try and attack and use Divine Smite.

Kat: Okay.

Sophia: Alright, so that’s gonna be a lot of damage if it works. [Rolls] If it doesn’t-

Kat: Oh!

Sophia: Ohhhh! Natural twentyyyyy!

Kat: It’s so dead.

Sophia: Alright!

[Triumph music]

Kat: It’s just so dead. It’s a smoldering pile of ash...that still kinda wants to date Corbin.

Noel: Um, I open my eyes ‘cause I closed them as soon as this thing entered the room. And I’m very relieved, and I bond with Laika slightly more for killing it.

[Sophia gasps]

Noel: I give you a small smile.

Sophia: I freak ouuuut! I start crying!

[Noel laughs]

Kat: Alright. Um-

Kaitlin: I stop crying because I’m very happy that the thing is dead.

Kat: Alright-

Kaitlin: Although I’m unnerved at the fleshy smell of cooked meats.

Kat: It smells delicious, honestly.

Kaitlin: I’m unnerved by that though, I don’t like it.

Sophia: I- I take a nibble.

[Kaitlin makes gasping laughter]

[Noel starts to laugh but it turns into “No”]

Kaitlin: [Laughs] I start to cry again.

Sophia: Listen, I’m a wolf, I know there’s- you’re a scavenger too, [crosstalk] like it’s alright.

Kaitlin: [Crosstalk] Yeah, but like… Not this.

Kat: You are gonna take three damage for eating that.

Sophia: Worth it. Does it taste delicious?

Kat: Kinda, yeah.

Sophia: Alright. Worth it!

Kat: Charbroiled fiend. Okay. So. Another portcullis opens. And at first, nothing happens.

Noel: [suspiciously] Hmm.

[twinlky inquisitive music begins to play]

Kat: Then you hear a noise that’s deeply unsettling, like the sound of thousands of legs- [crosstalk] crawling.

Noel: [crosstalk] -Crying out at once, only to be suddenly silenced!

[Laughter]

Kat: Do legs cry out in your universe, Noel?

Kaitlin: Mine sure do.

Kat: Anyway, a monstrous centipede emerges from this portcullis door.

Kaitlin: I get real hungry.

Sophia: Whoooaa. I am freaked the fuck out by this. Not cool.

Kat: It’s size type is huge, so it’s-

Kaitlin: Bring on the buffet!

Kat: Uhh. It’s-it’s a sizeable centipede. Uh so Corbin, back to the top of the order with you.

Kaitlin: Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm!

Kat: You’re gonna eat this thing.

Kaitlin: Yeah, I’m gonna, uh, lance it through the head.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: That’s what I’m gonna try for. I’m not sure which end is the head? But I take a wild guess. [Rolls a die] And I got a natural twenty, suck a dick.

All: Ohhhhhhhh!

Noel: Oh my god!

Kaitlin: Alright!  Sweet, I’m so excited.

Kat: Roll double damage.

Kaitlin: Uhh okay, so... [Rolls various dice] That’s a six plus a three, plus a three, plus a three again.

Kat: Okie dokie. So then it is the Centipede’s turn.

Kaitlin: Yeah, well, I’m gonna eat it.

Kat: It’s gonna go after Laika- ‘cause Laika you’re the last one to… I dunno, I guess it’s just gonna go after you because I feel like it.

Sophia: [Upset] It’s personal. Okay.

Kat: It’s personal now. [Rolls] That is going to be a nineteen? That’s gonna hit? So that’s gonna be... [Rolls multiple dice] Aw, look at you.

Sophia: Wha?

Kat: Luckyyy. That is four.

Sophia: [Fakely] Oh! Ow! Oooh!

Kat: Okay now, Fran.

Noel: I hate this guy. [Laughs] Uh… I have been struggling not to throw up for several reasons, cause y’all are super gross, and ‘cause there’s a giant centipede in the room. And I am gonna cast Scorching Ray.

Kat: [Sings to the tune of “Purple Rain”] ♪ Scorching Raaaaay. ♪

Noel: I got a two.

[Laughter]

Kat: You scorch the wall, and the wall smells... dank.

Kaitlin: I look directly at Fran, like I think she’s some kind of idiot.

[Noel laughs]

Kat: Your turn, Corbin.

Kaitlin: Alright. Uhh. So I cast Moonbeam.

Kat: What’s that mean?

Kaitlin: It’s a Constitution saving throw.

Kat: [Rolls] Gonna be a ten.

Kaitlin: That doesn’t- that doesn’t make it.

Kat: Sweet. So how-

Kaitlin: So uh I get to do 2d10—

Kat: Okie dokie.

Kaitlin: —damage to you. [Rolls dice] Uh and that’s going to be eight plus a five.

Kat: Okay. Uhh–

Kaitlin: Hungry.

Kat: Now it’s the centipede’s turn again. And it’s real mad at you, Corbin.

Kaitlin: Nooooo.

Kat: You’re the one that keeps hurtin’ it real bad. So it’s gonna hurt you real bad, [Rolls dice] ‘cause that is a sixteen. So that’s gonna be, umm, a fourteen.

Kaitlin:[in shock] Well, that is all of my hit points.

[Noel laughs]

Kaitlin: Can I-

Sophia: I can heal you. I have Lay on Hands.

Kaitlin: Does that heal me if I hit zero though? Don’t I have to make saving throws after this?

Kat: So you are out of hit points.

Kaitlin: Uh-huh.

Kat: that means you have to– you have three rolls of a D20. If you roll above ten you succeed, if you roll below ten you fail. If you fail three times, you’re dead for good.

Kaitlin: I’m goneskies.

Kat: If you roll above ten, three times then you are stabilized. Um. And you can be healed, if someone gets to you before the third– your third failure, you can be stabilized by healing.

Kaitlin: Cool. I- I don’t regain any hit points upon stability though? I’m just like at zero but not dead?

Kat: Yes.

Kaitlin: Correct? Okay.

Kat: Cool.

Noel: [Sarcastically] Ohhh, Corbin. Oh noooo. I’m really worried about that guy.

Kaitlin: I know.

Kat: Laika, it’s your turn.

Sophia: Okay. So I’m gonna use Lay on Hands. And I… do... touch the weird boob window.

Kaitlin: Oh god bless you!

Sophia: And I– Wh- ...You say that?

Kaitlin: No no no-

Sophia: I immediately take my hands off, and-

Kaitlin: [Laughs] Corbin doesn’t say that. I’m just saying that in… in real life.

Sophia: I touch your forehead. And I restore you for fourteen points.

Kaitlin: Am I prone right now?

Kat: Hell yeah.

Kaitlin: So I have to stand up and shit on my next turn?

Kat: Yep.

Kaitlin: Okay, I would just to say that Corbin has felt a rush of warmth in his forehead and in his boob window.

[Noel giggles]

Kaitlin: And he has never felt this feeling before.

Kat: Alright, Fran. See if you can finish this thing off.

Noel: Alright. Um, I’m gonna use… Witch Bolt

Kat: Which bolt?

Noel: [Pauses] ...Let’s not.

[Laughter]

Noel: [Rolls die] Uh, and that is a seventeen.

Kat: That’ll hit.

Noel: [Rolls die] It takes, uh, nine damage.

Kat: Alright. It is deeeead.

Noel: Yaaaaaay.

[Triumph music plays]

Kaitlin: I immediately run at it and I pull off one of its giant legs and start sucking the meaty juices out.

Fran: [Groaning] Ohhhh nooooo.

Kat: Uh, Fran, I’m gonna have you roll to not throw up.

[Kaitlin laughs]

Noel: Oh god. I get negative three for not throwing up. [Rolls] I got twelve.

Kat: You don’t throw up.

Noel: But just barely. [Crosstalk] by the skin of my teeth.

Kaitlin: [Crosstalk] [Amused] Just barely.

Sophia: I walk on over and, you know, originally I was scared of this guy, but I’m like- I’m gonna give it a chance. I- I- I take some bites.

Kat: As you go to take a bite, however, the centipede disintegrates from either end into clouds of black smoke, leaving behind… a silver key.

Kaitlin: Cool.

Noel: Yaaaaay.

Kaitlin: Did I eat it? Can I spit the silver key out of my mouth and be like, “Is this-”

Kat: No. No. It’s just sitting on the ground. You, you did eat... horrifying centipede meat.

Kaitlin: That’s cool.

Noel: The food turned to ash in your mouth.

[Laughter]

Kat: A curse!

Corbin: Alright, well.

Kat: Yeah!

Corbin: That was delicious.

[Interlude music plays]

Noel: I hope you are enjoying thai episodes, hey! Its noel! I usually play fran! But right now I’m playing at being an adult woman, anyways. Same sound probelms, different episode, am I right? Well listen, this episode is the worst of the worst in that respect, and after this itll be over@ and we can all forget it happened and pretend it never did! 

Thanks again for everyone listening and showing their love for the show! We are so thankful for the response we have gotten That means you extracrispy and exactly from Itunes reviews, thank you especially to exactly, for sying thatr you’re glad that you don’t work in a quiet office since your quite office coworkers would not appreciate you laughter in response to our humble podcast. Thanks a million! Stay tuned for further legendary shoutouts you guys, and here is a reminder for everyone to keep rating and reviewing on Itunes.

Mhm, yep here it is. Please do! Thanks! Thanks also to nice and wonderful facebook commentre Jessy D likavik? Sorry if that was a miss pronunciation. As well as to stan and Ivan of They See me Rolling, your kind words and sharing of our content is so apprienated and everyone go check out They see àme rolling if you’re looking for more actual play podcast. We, in particular, are especially facianted and delighted of your inclusion of a goblin in your part. That pretty cool. Thanks for your support guys! 

Next I want to introduce our partition to you guys, we don’t have everything set up yet, and we don’t expect that much activity until we’ve posted more content. But we wanted to get the ball rolling a bit for people who are listening to this after we’ve posted more. 

So, for anyone unfamiliar with parteon, its a website used to set up monthly donations, and it is often used by creators making free content on the internet. So that they have time and resources to release even better content! At this point, our patroen funds would go towards paying our audio hosting bill, as well as getting new and better microphoens, so you guys can have better time listening. One of the coolest features on patreon is it has levels of donations that unlock various different features, again well probably talk about patreon at a later date, but we wanted to mention it now. As always, you can find our twitter, facebook and tumbler at DamesandDragons.com and we are so excited to hear your comments and anwer your questions. Well see you next week! And now, uh lets tell chantel to listen! 

Kat: Chantel, if you’re listening, the code word is: SOLO 

Noel: Chantel, I love you so much and everyday I go to sleep and i have a picture of you on the other pillow

Kat: Thats a little weird 

Sophia: I also have a picture of Chantel.. 

Kaitlin: My bed sheets and my duvet cover are a collage of pictures of Chantel. 

Kat: and I the only one who doesn’t have pictures of Chantel near them when they sleep 

Kaitlin: I’ll get you one 

Sophia: I’ve got a few to spare 

Kat: Should I just make a mask for my boyfriend? So he just has Chantel’s face when we sleep? 

Kaitlin: That’s what I would do if I was you

Kat: OK perfect. Mike if you’re listening, I’m sorry but this is the way it’s got to be, honey. Chantel! The sleeper agent is activated!

[Interlude music plays]

Noel: So… just, trying to forget everything that happened in this room. Now what doors are open? 

Kat: Uh, so the door you came in is open and one of the portcullises to the... right of where you came in, is open now.

Noel: Alright, let’s go through that portcullis!

Kat: Okay! You are back in the room with the sphere and the pool.

Noel: What -uh... well.

Kaitlin: Can I take a dip in that pool again? Get  my healing-

Kat: Yeah. 

Noel: Me too. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, I do, I do some cool bird flaps, uh, with my… [laughing] human arms. 

Noel [singing] : 🎝I do the dip, and I go swimming🎝

Sophia: I use some Dippin’ Dots, while on the dip. 

Kat: Did you bring some Dippin’ Dots?

Sophia: I had them on me. 

[Laughter]

Kat: How did they not melt?

Noel: They were ON you?

Sophia: They were aaall on me. 

Kat: I’m upset by the logistics of this. However, let’s move on.

[Laughter]

Noel: Anyway, okay, umm. So let’s, let’s put that extra key in that fifth key hole in that oc-... 

Kat: Octagonal.

Noel: Pen-. 

Kat: Pentagonal.

Noel: Hexagonal room!

Kat [laughing]: Got it. 

Noel: Let’s go put it in there. What happened? 

Kat: You hear an unlocking noise, and otherwise nothing happens. 

Noel: So we have one more keyhole, and... seemingly nowhere to go to get a sixth key.

Sophia: No, there’s a portcullis that opened up.

Noel: Oh we - no, we went through that and we got back to the room that we were…

Sophia: Oh… I blacked out.

[Laughter]

Noel: ‘Cause you’re eating those nasty ol’dip n dots--

Kaitlin: Yeah, it was all those Dippin’ Dots. 

Sophia: Yeah, I… should not have done that. [laughter] I feel… pretty sick.

Noel: Oh, man. My stomach growls because I’m the only one who hasn’t eaten some shit today. 

[Laughter]

Noel: There’s nothing that we missed… I mean well, obviously there’s something that we maybe missed but … there’s no paths that we didn’t go down. 

Kat: Yeah, you’ve gone down all the paths. 

Sophia: We didn’t get a key from the room with the tapestry.

Kat: The only room you did not get a key in is the mirror room.

Sophia: Should we go back there?

Noel: Yeah, let’s go back there. 

Kaitlin: Yeah. Okay.

Kat: So, okay! You go back to the mirror room and the mural is back on the wall, and the glass on the floor is reset. 

Noel: Okay, so we have to figure out how to do this the right way because the way we did it before was not correct.

Sophia: Yes. Accurate.

Kaitlin: Well, I’m in this room right now and I begin to shake with latent rage at the memory of that fucking bird that I saw that looked just like me! 

Noel: [laughing] Um, I notice that Corbin is shaking, and I laugh a little bit.

Kaitlin: I glare. It’s, I’ve those giant black eyes so-. 

Noel: I wink.

Sophia: I say

Laika: We’ll get that son of a bitch!

Corbin: Thank you. 

Noel: I wonder why Laika is so willing to lie to Corbin all the time.

Sophia: I’m just convinced. [Noel laughing] I think it’s human culture, and I’m really into human culture.

Noel: My question is answered and I no longer wonder. 

[Laughter]

Noel: So… let’s try to… stand on the glass? This side of the glass isn’t reflective, it’s just clear? 

Kat: Hmm-hmm. So now it’s just peering down into emptiness.

Noel: If we try to push on one side, can we get inside there? 

Kat: You can try!

Noel: Alright, I’mma try to push on there. [dice rolling] I push it. I got a ten.

Kat: You fall in.

Noel: Alright, I’m in you guys!

Kat: And the water starts rushing in!

Noel: Yeah, water! I love water!

Kaitlin: I begin to laugh and I try to leave the room.

Kat: The door locks behind you, it’s all exactly the same.

Kaitlin: Damn it.

Sophia: Wait, can I take a closer look at the mural again? 

Kat: Yes, you can, look at my very shitty mural. 

Sophia: Ah, so it’s the same basically.

Kat: Ah, actually, it is different. There’s, so. It is a mural of the Goddess holding a disc-shaped mirror which she is in the middle of flipping, and this time, there is a deer walking onto one side and walking off the other side. So, deer walking onto the top of the disc, deer walking off of the bottom. 

Kaitlin: Can I…

Noel: It’s something I have to do, because it was a crow when it was Corbin… By the way, I’m doing like backstrokes, I love being in the water. 

Sophia: Yeaaaah, that makes sense, maybe swim to the bottom? See if there’s anything that you can see?

Noel: Alright, I swim to the bottom.

Kat: Yeah, it is pitch black. 

Noel: I go back to the top. 

Sophia: Wait, what about your strobing shirt? 

Kat: Wait, your  strobing shirt, that’s correct! 

Noel: That’s right! Thank you! 

Kat: Alright, so you can see where the water is coming in, there’s about a two-inch wide gap on the floor, but otherwise there’s nothing else in this room, the only other thing of note is that there’s this mirror on the ceiling. You can’t see through it anymore.

Noel: Okay. I now see myself.

Kat: You can see yourself.

Noel: And I don’t get confused, because I’m not an idiot.

Kaitlin: I would like to make a perception check on a mural. 

Kat: Sure.  

[rolls dice]

Kaitlin:And that is over nineteen. I mean, it’s over twenty. 

 Kat: Okay! After careful contemplation of the mural, the thing you notice most about it seems less like it’s a step, the more you look at it, and more like the deer that’s one the bottom is falling out. So it seems that the deer steps on the top and falls out the bottom. 

Sophia: So it’s a trap? That we just walked into again? 

Kaitlin: Now we know that it’s a trap. That we just walked into again. 

[laughter]

Noel: I meaaaan…

Sophia: Is there anything on the floor of the room that I can pick up? Like a rock or something? 

Kat: Nope. 

Noel: I mean, it's gotta be something that I have to do, but I dunno -  I need to stand, put my feet on it when I get up there?

Sophia: Yeaaah! But, like, I mean, yeah, try doing the reverse.

Kat: Okay, so, after five minutes or so when the room has filled with water, you try to stand on the mirror, and you come tumbling out the other side.

Noel: Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Kaitlin: [Exasperated] Oh God.

Kat: A key drops from the mural.

Noel: Oh, thank God somebody competent fell in.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Well, I cannot be blamed for the way that I was raised to believe in my perception of the world.

Sophia: [laughing] When you were attacking your reflection, you just had to stand...

Noel:  You had to know that it was a reflection, is step one. But-- I get out, and I'm doing peace sign, and I'm like,

Fran [in low-key aggressive]: What's up, Corbin?

[Laughter]

Sophie: I look at you like you're a magician, 'cause I can’t believe what just happened. 

Kaitlin: I am convinced that you've been replaced by a clone.

Kat: Alright, you guys have six keys now!

[Everybody cheers]

Noel: So we got the sixth key we gotta go back to that... hexagon room, and replace or not replace, but put in the keys.

Kat: Okie-dokie. You put the key into the wall, and the walls all begin to rumble. [Fight Music starts playing] And then they fall, one by one. They collapse into the floor. In the center of this room that is revealed, there is a monstrous bird with six wings, and it immediately—  who is— let's say, gonna lunge immediately at... Laika

Sophia: [Disgruntled noises]

Kat: Oh, and it attacks you with an electric ray that shoots from its mouth.

[snickering]

Sophia : [sarcastically]  Oh, cool! Great!

Kat: And that is going to be a nineteen.

Sophia: That hits!

Kat: [rolls multiple dice] Yep, and that is going to be eight damage.

Sophia: Ya-ouch.

Kat: Okay, now we roll for initiative.

Noel: It's a big bird?

Kat: It's a giant bird, six wings, serrated beak, it's just like not super friendly-looking.

Noel: Okay, um… 

Kaitlin: - so is it crow-like?

Kat: No, it is actually, it sort of, its plumage is blue and white, its beak is bright orange.

Kaitlin: So, like, I couldn't talk to it--

Kat: It is an Arrowhawk, if you guys are wondering. That's just what it is.

Noel: Cool.

Kat: So, what did y'all roll?

Noel: I rolled a six.

Kat: Okay.

Kaitlin: Uh, one.

Sophia: Thirteen.

Kat: Okay. So, Laika, you're first.

Sophia: Okay, so! This guy— what's his background? Is he fiend, perhaps?

Kat: Nope.

Sophia: Alright. Well, I'm still gonna use  Divine Smite on him, probably, if this works out.

Kat: Okay.

Sophia: So that's a nineteen.

Kat: That will hit.

Sophia: Alright. Twenty-four points of damage.

Kat: Ouch. It doesn't like that. It doesn't like that one little bit. Okay, so now is the Arrowhawk's turn. It is gonna retaliate, it's not happy, it's not a happy camper,  And that is gonna be...nineteen! 

Sophia: Aw, what's this guy's problem? 

Kat: Able to shoot you with electric rays from his mouth. That's his problem. 

[Rolls multiple dice]

Sophia: Attitude. 

Kat: Okay, that one does four damage. 

Sophia: Better.

Kat: Barely grazed by the Electric Rays. 

Sophia: 'm cool with that. 

Kat: Okay, Fran, it's your turn. 

Noel: Okay, how smart does this guy look? 

Kat: Looks like a giant bird with six wings. You tell me. 

Noel: [Under her breath] He’s got a bird brain…

Kaitlin: I am extremely offended by that joke. Extreeeemely. 

Kat: Isn't your intelligence score really low? 

Kaitlin: Yeah, but I'm still offended! 

[Laughter]

Noel: I'm gonna cast Poison Spray. 

Kat: Okay.

Noel: So I extend my hand towards the creature, and I project a puff of noxious gas from my palm.

Kat: [laughing] Fart out of your hand!

Noel: Yes. It is a fart hand spell, and I'm ready to use it.

Kat: [laughing] Okay. 

Noel: You try to succeed on the Constitution saving throw, please.

Kat: Well it's-- that failed, horribly. 

Noel: Okay! Great! You need fight it on. Get ready. That's gonna take nine damage.

Kat: Ooh, it is dead.

Kaitlin: Woah, what?!

Noel: [singing triumphantly] Yes! The fart killed it! The fart killed the biiiird! I killed a biird with a faaart!

Kaitlin: I'm real repulsed, offended, and upset. 

Sophia: This is the most proud I've ever been of you, and the bond has grown.

Noel: ...maybe it has. [laughter] I continue my song and I make the strobe of my shirt match–

Kaitlin: The beat? 

Noel: Yeah, match the beat of my song. 

Kaitlin: Noice.

Kat: Okay, good job, everyone. So, at the centre of the room a staircase rises from the centre of room, it spirals upward, toward the ceiling, it goes up into a hole into a ceiling. You guys go up the staircase, and you’re back, you guys emerge at the front doors of the temple, and you are greeted by the Goddess and her attendants, and your mentors - those of you who still have mentors - 

 [gentle music starts]

 Fran: Who saw my fart hand? Who saw--

 Corbin: Not your dead mentor! 

Kat: [After a pause]  Oh, Jesus!

Laika: Dude, what the hell, that's rude. 

Corbin: Um, I apologise. 

Noel: I cast Poison Spray… on Corbin. You're gonna need to make a Constitution Saving throw. 

Kaitlin: Okay, wait, hold on, okay. Uh, and I got thirteen plus five. Whatever that is.

Noel: Okay. My fart does not affect you. But know that I did do it.

[Laughter]

Kat: The attendant who spoke to you guys the first time - at least you think it's her - it's one of the deer veiled attendants. She steps forward and she says:

Deer attendant: Well done, well done, all of you! You've passed your final test. The Goddess congratulates you, and you may now take your place at her side. 

Kat: And she gives you a grand sweeping motion towards the Goddess, who, once again, gives you a little wave. 

Kaitlin: I wave back at her.

Sophia: Oh, me too! With both hands. 

Fran: Oh...

Kat: So, you guys walk over to the group of the Goddess and her attendants, and the Goddess takes each of you, she takes your hands in hers, and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

 Laika: [whispering and low-key freaking out] Oh my Gooood! 

Noel: I roll to fall in love with the Goddess![rolls] ...I don't act any different.

Sophia: I'm gonna roll as well. [rolls] I am in love. This is the person for me. 

Kaitlin: I'd like to roll to touch emotion. [laughter] Briefly, you know? Like, a glimpse of it, through my bird eyes.

Kat: What? Touch emotion? [confused] 

Kaitlin: Yeah, like, touch it-- not physically, but grasp the concept.  [Rolls dice] I got eight, so I don't.

Kat: You have no idea what emotion is. 

Kaitlin: No, I'm not sure about it. But I know it's there, and I wanna feel it.

Kat: Okay. Your mentor, Buddy, Sophia, your mentor Buddy comes up to you, gives you a big clap on the shoulder, 

Buddy: Good job, kid! 

Laika: Thanks Dad - I mean, Buddy! 

Kat: And Demorah comes up to you, and gives you a hardy handshake, and says: 

Demorah: I knew you could do it. 

Corbin: Thank you, thank you. I didn't know I could do it. 

Kat: And, Fran you don't have anyone, but Bae comes and gives you a little lick on the face. 

Fran: [a little sadly] Hey, Bae.

Attendant: Well, now is time for you to come and join the Goddess in the City  Temple, where she is residing. Please, if you’ll follow me.

Kat: -- the attendant says, and ushers you all away from the forest, away from the place you guys have called home your entire lives. This is for some of you your first excursion into the city, out of the forest.

Kaitlin: Me. 

Kat: Never been? [To Sophia] Laika's never been?

Noel: Nah, I've been out. I've been out to hang out in the city. I like it there.

[wonderous music starts]

Kat: Yep. So the city of Estra sprawled all of the island that is not covered by forest.  It is enormous and beautiful.  The buildings are all made of this white polished stone, and they have blue glass windows that glisten in the sun. There are vehicles that whizz up and down in the street, that are floating. Floating carriages, and sort of like floating motorcycles. 

Kaitlin: I'm afraid of those.

Kat: There are shops, and there are just so many people. Like, this is more people than Laika, Corbin-- this is more people that either of you have ever seen. 

Kaitlin: I lean over to Laika, and I say,

Corbin: I can't believe all of the crows here, so many. 

Sophia: I can't even hear what you're saying, cause I am trying to sniff everyone's butt. I'm loving the scents. 

Kat: Okay, so the wolf attendant-- the attendant with the wolf veil, kinda gently takes you by the shoulder, and like guides you up from that level of people, and says:

Wolf attendant: Humans don't sniff butts. 

Sophia: I sniff the attendant's butt. 

Kat: Alright. So as you are all walking into the city, everybody stops and stares, because this is-- not at you guys, because you guys are barely consequential but this is the Goddess, who is walking among them currently, and there is a carriage waiting for her, which she steps into with the two deer attendants,  the crow attendant and the wolf attendant take the three of you to a separate carriage, which you ride in, and these are open-top carriages so you can see the city as you pass by. 

You go through the narrow winding streets. It's just-- everything here is just stacked on top of each other, cause this island is roughly the size of our equivalent of Manhattan. It is very small, and they have utilized every inch of space. Buildings are soaringly tall, and these floating carriages operate at multiple levels, so there's the ones flying at the top-- at the rooftops, where there are rooftop gardens that they go visit, and rooftop parks. There are ones that are at mid-level, that are going into the residential homes. And then there are those at the bottom, which are going to the shops, and all of the places of business.

And you guys are heading toward the North edge of the island, where there is an outcropping on which the Goddess' City Temple is. So originally she inhabited that Forest Temple, but somewhere in the last several thousand years another temple was built for her in the city, as the city grew, so she could be closer to her people instead of isolated in the forest. And that is now mainly where she resides. The Temple is – of all the buildings in Estra– it is the most grand, the most beautiful. It sparkles in the sun. The domes on tops of the building are covered in gold leaf. There are veiled attendants and masked guards milling about the grounds.

As the Goddess walks into the Temple through the ivory gates, everybody stops and kneels for her. Because she is their Goddess. She is your Goddess. And as you guys get out of the carriage, the wolf veiled attendant, and the crow veiled attendant sort of usher you guys and get you into formation behind her in a little, you know, triangle of-- this is how you're supposed to stand. And the Goddess smiles serenely at all of her followers, and raises her hands, indicating that they should stand. And then she continues on with her deer attendants, and the other two attendants stay back with you, and they sit. 

Attendant: The Goddess will now attend to her daily prayers, we will show you to your rooms.

Kat: So you guys are drawn to your new dorms! your new digs!

Noel: Woaah.

Kat: You are given rooms in the main temple. The attendants tell you that your rooms are very close to the Goddess', should she need you in the night, she will be able to contact you through bell, that is in each of your rooms. 

Fran: She seems a little stand-offish. Anybody else notice that?

Kaitlin: The Goddess?

Sophia: She kissed us!

Fran: What did she say , like “let me kiss you silently” like -

Kat: Are you saying that in character?

Noel: I'm saying that in character, hell yeah!

Kat: That didn't sound like a character voice

Noel: I don't remember what my character voice.

[laughter]

Kat: So the attendant looks back at you, and goes:

Attendant: Ah, I suppose no one would've told you. This incarnation of the Goddess does not have a voice. 

Fran: Whaaaaaaat?

Kaitlin: Oooooh. 

Laika: She can't- [muttering]what’s she about?

Attendant: She simply has never spoken. 

Corbin : Can she write stuff down?

Attendant: Yes, she does communicate with us in writing. Her– she–she has trouble communicating her thoughts clearly. It's–we believe it's an effect of how hastily she had to reincarnate last time, but. We can only– we can assure you, that we assure everyone, that it is still our Goddess. The same Goddess that we've had for thousands of years. 

Fran: I wish Corbin was born without a voice. 

Corbin: [To Fran] The feeling is mutual!

Laika: [To the attendant] Can she use sign language? 

Attendant:[unsure] I believe that she has attempted to– she doesn't spend much time apart from her main attendants. The other two that you saw? I think they have a way of communicating with her with hand gestures but we are not allowed to know it. 

Corbin: Can I just say it's weird that you had to reassure us that she's the real Goddess just because she can't speak– like that never occurred to me that there would be something that I would think: “Because she can't speak, she's not the real Goddess”. That seems–

Fran: That's fair, Corbin, thats fair

Corbin: That seems suspicious, is all I'm saying. 

Attendant: I'm sorry. I suppose you have all not really spent much time in the city. There are concerns among the citizens that because of the mysterious death of her last incarnation, and how quickly she had to reincarnate, some believe that this vessel doesn't contain the spirit of the Goddess, especially because she can't speak. But we can assure we've run all of the tests, and her divinity is pure. 

Laika: What were the tests? 

Attendant: I can't speak of those. 

Laika: All secrets...

Corbin: Probably like a CT scan. 

Laika: A what? 

Fran: Corbin, what are you talking about? 

Corbin: You know, like--

Fran: Crow Tree scan?

Corbin: Yeah!

[Laughter]

Fran: That's stupid, Corbin.

Corbin: You get up in the tree, and you scan... the ground...

Fran: And you scan the Goddess?

Corbin [high pitched unsurely]: Yea-h!

Fran: For what, her voice is missing on the ground?

Corbin: You can, when you're a bird, and you're up high, and you look down, things are different!

[Light, playful music begins]

Attendant: You must all be very tired from your trial. You have the rest of the day to relax, and explore the grounds.  The Goddess will be busy in prayer for the rest of the day, but tomorrow we have arranged for you to escort her during her preparation for the Festival of Lights, which will be happening at the end of the week. 

Fran: Mm, great.

Attendant: Have you seen the Festival of Lights, have you been able to see it from the forest? 

Corbin: Ah, I see the moon, and the stars, and the sun!

Fran: I've seen the Festival of Lights. 

Corbin[sarcastically]: OOOOH! how nice for you!

Fran: Yeah, it was pretty nice--

Corbin: OOOOH! 

Attendant: You must all be so tired. I'm sure there'll be plenty of time to discuss the Festival later. Please, retire to your rooms, enjoy a bath, explore the grounds! 

Corbin: I’ve bathed enough.

[Laughter]

Attendant: Please, let any of us attendants know if you have any needs. 

Laika: Where's the snacks?

Attendant: I'll arrange to have refreshments brought to you to your rooms!

Laika: That's dank!

[OUTRO MUSIC]