Dames & Dragons 22. Into Avelis (Part 13)

These things do happen... You become an ant all alone in a horrible villain lair, you lose intelligence to make people go blind, you get tortured for information, etc. But there are also unexpected friends to be found, even in a place like this.

✂️ Ep. 22 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: Kat

FRAN THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by Noel

LAIKA THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by Sophia

CORBIN THE HUMAN DRUID is played by Kaitlin

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 22 – Into Avelis (Part 13)

Noel: Okay—Kat—who—

[Giggles]

Sophia: Hello!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I’ve been watching Kat viciously drink that La Croix for the past ten minutes.  

Sophia: Kat—

Kaitlin: Like she can’t stop. 

Sophia: Kat, can you say the name of that La Croix? 

[Brief pause as Kat reluctantly laughs]

Sophia: How do you say it?

Kat: [Through laughter] Oh, the cu-comber?

[Noel groans in disgust]

Sophia: Say it again?

Kat: The—the cacumber?

[Multiple vocalisations of displeasure from the others]

Kat: The cu-cahmber?

Noel: [Dramatically] You’ve struck me down. 

Sophia: [Just as dramatically] You’ve destroyed us. 

Kat: You mean—is it a coh-cahmber?

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) beings playing] 

Noel: Everytime Kat says a new horrible word for cucumber—it’s like in Bleach: I get a slice on me and ten minutes later blood comes out.

Sophia: Kat, can you read this for me? Just read this for me cause this is how you first said it:

Kat: It’s blook-berry poocumber.

[Everyone but Kat wheeze laughs]

Noel: I fucking hate it.

Sophia: [Weakly] Blueberry… It’s gotten worse! Blook-berry!

[Weak laughter]

Noel: [Though laughter] Is it blackberry!?

Sophia: No, it’s blook-berry coocumber according to Kat.

Kat: [High pitched sigh] Listen—

Kaitlin: Kat!

Sophia: Kat is crying!

Kat: [Desperately] Let’s ply some die and die!

[Sounds of weeping]

Sophia: Kat is… Kat is weeping. 

Kaitlin: Kat’s killed herself tonight.

Noel: And she just purposes suicide pact. 

[Giggles]

Kat: I said: Let’s ply some die and die.

Noel: I know.

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) plays and then fades out] 

Kat: Bum bum bum bah bah baaah. 

Sophia: Ba ba ba ba ba bow. 

Kaitin: [To the tune of the McDonald’s theme song] Bah dah bah bah baahh. 

Noel: Guys, Sandman; Our theme song. 

[Giggles]

Kat: It’s too beautiful and synthesised for me to even imitate it. 

Kaitlin: [To the tune of Sandman by Pat Ballard. Sounding like an old man] Bring me a dream…

Noel, Sophia and Kaitlin: [Not pronouncing most of the consonants and vowels] Make him the cutest that I’ve ever seen. 

Kaitlin: We have a second intro right here. 

[Brief pause]

Kat: Hello, I’m Kat. I’m your DM? Maybe?

Noel: I am Noel and I am concerned. And I play Fran. 

Sophia: I’m Sophia and I am uhh… Blook-berry Coo-cumber. 

[Kat laughs]

Noel: And Blook-berry Coo-cumber is Laika. 

Sophia: Yep. 

Kaitlin: I am Kaitlin. I’m twenty months away. 

[Noel groans]

Kaitlin: And… I play Corbin. 

Kat: Wait. You’re twenty months away from what?

[Silence]

[Laughter]

Noel: She shrugged. 

Kat: Last time—alright. You guys made your way into Torva’s Jaw and found   that it is not some ancient ruin or a decrepit lair of evil. It is a fully functioning base of war. First you rescued Corbin from his folly. And then after a terrifying brush with the god of conqueror’s himself, you donned some illusionary disguises and set about exploring the base. You found some information about maybe some of  Torva’s plans and you impersonated cleaning staff in order to harass some of the commanders. You also discovered the locked door to Torva’s study. While attempting to open it, created a distraction involving a bear, an eagle and a Harmless Shower Of Sparks. However, you were not able to pick the lock on the door and Laika was caught red handed trying to pull a broken lock pick out of the lock. And that is where we are starting today.

Sophia: Here’s the stuff: Fran has no more spells—

Kat: Mm-hm.

Noel: Barely any spells. 

Sophia: Corbin is an ant. 

Kat: Mm-hm.  

Noel: And Laika is in police custody.

Kat: The elven commander, he turns to the rest of the room and he says:

Unnamed Commander: Take care of those animals. I found the intruder.

Unnamed Officer: Yes, Commander Sylvias. 

Kat: And they begin facing down the bear. Meanwhile he has a firm grip on your hand. He says:

Slyvias: You can come quietly or we can do this the hard way. And I would personally enjoy the hard way much more but I have a feeling you’d prefer to come quietly. 

Sophia: What if I’m like: ‘You’re very handsome!’.

Kat: You can try and seduce him I guess, yeah. 

[Dice rolling]

Sophia: I got a twenty-two. 

Kat: Okay. 

Sophia: What I’m gonna say is:

Laika: I don't know… if I would prefer to go quietly. 

Sophia: And I put a hand on his hand that’s gripping my wrist. 

[Dice roll]

Kat: He looks down at you and he takes a long moment to pause. And then he smiles a little and says:

Sylvias: Fine then. Let’s do this the hard way. 

Kat: And he begins leading you away from that door. 

[‘like suspense but worse’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

[Noel hums suspiciously]

[Sophia laughs uncomfortably] 

Sophia: [Sarcastically] Just what I hoped!

Kaitlin: What’s Maeri doing?

Kat: Maeri has just been standing frozen in place ever since all of this started. She—she’s terrified. She has no idea what to do. She is now separated from both Fran, Laika and also Corbin. She’s been separated from everyone. 

Noel: I’m gonna go back to Maeri. But I’m still like:

Fran: Oh god! The bear!

Kat: Commander Sylvias barks:

Sylvias: Private! 

Kat: Several young soldiers stand to attention as he shouts. 

Sylvias: Get me a set of dwarven manacles from the armoury. And get Commander Bronca and have him make sure that lock isn’t broken. 

Kat: All of the soldiers that stood at attention when he shouted—they all try to sort out which one of them is going to go do these things before they rush off in different directions. 

Noel: I’m gonna follow the privates who are going to alert that other commander. 

Kat: Okay. Maeri sticks with you. Sylvias is already walking. He’s dragging Laika by the wrist across the great hall and toward the barracks. He extends one hand as he walks and an arc of lightning fires at the bear. And the bear will take…

[Dice roll]

[‘like suspense but worse’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Kat: Thirty-six points of damage is what that bear takes. So as soon as the bear roars and fries in the middle of the hall—and Commander Sylvias is walking away from it. He shouts over his shoulder:

Sylvias: And somebody get that bird before it shits on everything!

Noel: I hope it shits on everything. 

[Giggles]

Kat: Laika, Commander Sylvias takes you down the hallway, past the soldier’s barracks and that office. And to his private quarters. Almost as soon as you two arrive there a private arrives with a pair of dull grey manacles which are fastened around your wrists. And the second that they are—

Sophia: Can I try and like—while they’re putting them one kind of sleight of hand… keep 'em a little loose?

Kat: Roll a sleight of hand. 

Sophia: Alright!

[Dice roll]

Sophia: That’s a nine. 

[Noel laughs]

Kat: You are not able to keep the manacles loose at all. You try and wriggle your wrists but the private seems to be very good at manacling people. And you are securely fastened—

[Sophia sighs]

Kat: —with these grey irons. The second they touch your skin… you feel cold. And you feel drained. And the light of Fenrir that has been with you ever since you took your oath immediately you can tell it’s gone. 

Sophia: So I can’t use magic, is what you’re saying. 

Kat: [Entirely too happy] You bet that’s what I’m saying! Commander Sylvias pulls the chair out from his desk and pushes you down onto the chair. He leans down close to you and he says:

Sylvias: Now, tell me, please, are you here alone?

Laika: The wards of Wivvil are never truly alone, but yes. I am here by myself. 

Kat: Roll deception. 

[Dice rolling]

Sophia: I’m gonna use a luck point!

Kat: Okay.

[Dice rolling]

Kaitin: [In the background] Oh, god. 

[Kat laughs like a witch]

Sophia: I rolled a four twice. 

Kat: After you say that Sylvias looks at you. And he gives you this sort of… Like he’s amused, sorta look. And then he puts one finger on your forehead and—

[Kat rolls a die]

Kat: You feel an incredible amount of pain. It rips through your mind like fire and you take ten psychic damage. 

Sophia: Ow. 

Sylvias: [Cheerfully] Now, let’s try that again. Are you here alone?

Laika: I am here alone, but I’m not here on behalf of Wivvil. I’m looking for the Vessel of Vioni. 

[Dice roll]

Sophia: [Relieved] Okay! I did better. That’ll be twenty-two. 

Kat: Seventeen plus four is twenty-one. 

Sophia: I just beat him. 

Kat: You just beat it. He smiles. And he nods. Says:

Sylvias: Now that’s better. Isn’t a much more pleasant conversation when we tell the truth?

Kat: And now we’re gonna switch over to Fran and the Goddess. What are you guys doing?

Noel: Maeri and I are still walking with the privates going for the commander while the door. 

Kat: Mm-hm.

Noel: While were walking I elbow one of them and I’m like:

Fran: Did you see that weird lady? She was trying to get into that door?

Kat: The private that you elbowed, he shakes his head. 

Unnamed Private: I don’t know what anyone—what they’d be thinking if they’re breakin’ in here. The place is impenetrable. Even if you got in further, it’s not like you can get out. 

Fran: Soooo true. 

Kat: So it—the other two privates, they head to the private quarters. And you hear, as you pass by the door, Laika screaming in pain. This is during her first failure. 

Noel: So we know where she is. 

Kat: You know where she is. The Goddess… Maeri. As you hear that, she grabs your hand, Fran. Um…

[Noel ‘Hmmm’s meaningfully]

Kat: And squeezes it very tightly. 

Noel: I squeeze her hand back and wish I were dead. And, um… [Laughs] As I am squeezing the Goddess’ hand and listening to Laika’s screams of pain I say:

Fran: [Feigning forgetfulness] I mean, the only person who has a key to that room is… is.. Uhh… Commander… Oh, what's his name? Oh! Ugh!

Noel: I turn to Maeri and I’m like:

Fran: Uuuurrrghhh. Like, uh, Sarah? I don’t remember his name! You know the, ugh, Commander you know?

Kat: As you are saying this the door swings open to the room you had been standing in front of. And the private that you had followed, he stands at attention. 

Unnamed Private: Commander Bronca, sir!

Noel: [Quietly] Okay. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Bronca, is still dishevelled and still grumpy. 

Sophia: What does he look like?

Kat: He is a human man. And he is roughly 5”11. Stocky build, dark hair. Scruffy stubble. Looks like maybe he needs to shave but hasn’t yet. He did get woken up in the middle of the night.  Bronca is the one you woke up and he was just like: ‘Ugh, fuck off. I’m sleeping.’. So:

Bronca: [Tired and annoyed] What is it? What is all this racket anyway?

Unnamed Private: Sir!

Kat: The private says.

Unnamed Private: Commander Sylvias found an intruder and is requesting that you check the lock on, uh, on Lord Torva’s door. Sir. 

[Bronca sighs]

Bronca: [Annoyed] Gods… What am I? Just the fuckin janitor here? Friggin…

Noel: I say:

[‘fight please’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Fran: No! That’s me! I’ll come with you! Do you want me to do it for you?

[Kat snorts]

Kat: He glares at you and then he shuts the door. And he comes out a minute later, tucking in his shirt. And he has a large ring of keys. And you unnoticed immediately: there is one key on here that is much smaller and shinier than the others. And he pushes past you guys. Do you follow him?

Noel: Yeass… I follow him. And I kind of stay at his elbow and I’m like:

Fran: Is there anything I can do for you  sir? Do you need a drink? Do you need just like, a slap to wake you up? I’m so sorry to wake you up twice in one night, I really didn’t mean to. 

Kat: Bronca glares at you and he says:

Bronca: If you want to do something for me, you can get the hell out of my way. 

Noel: I step out of his way but I keep following him. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: With Maeri, right?

Kat: Yeah. Maeri, she’s a couple steps behind. She is definitely staying out of the way and is really trying to stay unseen. She doesn't know if these people know what she looks like or what they’re supposed to be looking for, so she is definitely hanging back. Bronca crosses the great hall—the war room hall—to that door at the back. And he takes his pring of keys and he puts the silver key in the lock and turns it. The door opens and he walks in. And shuts the door behind him. 

Corbin you, as an ant, in this room. You see him walk in. 

Noel: I knock on the door and I’m like:

Fran: Are you sure you don’t need anything, sir? Anything!?

Bronca: Leave me for a minute! Please!

Fran: Alright! I’ll be right out here. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Corbin, you see Bronca. He takes a long, deep breath and looks around this room. He takes a few paces and runs a hand over the back of the sofa… looking at the fireplace and the artefacts and the books. To remind you of what’s in this room: the walls are all covered in bookshelves. Some of the shelves have artefacts encased in glass on them. There’s a black orb, a knife made of black glass, a red featureless mask and a white staff. 

There’s a black marble fireplace set into the bookshelf of one wall and a little sitting area with sofas and chairs in front of it and a large ornate rug. There is a desk with legs that are carved with monsters that wind their way up . There’s nothing on the desk besides a bottle of ink, a quill and an ink blotter. Behind that desk is a bookshelf with a hidden passage down. 

Kaitlin: What’s he wearing? Does he have armour on?

Kat: No. He is just wearing the same black commander uniform you have seen Sylvias wear. 

Kaitlin: Oookay. So I—I get behind him. As an ant. 

Noel: [Amused] Crawl back there. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, I scuttle back there. And I guess… I turn into a human.

Kat: Okay. 

Kaitlin: Behind him. 

Kat: Mm-hm. 

Kaitlin: And I very sneakily… try to whack him over the head as hard as I can with my spear. With the intent to knock him out. 

Kat: Roll to attack. 

[‘fight please’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Kaitlin: Oh, you guys. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: You can do it!

[Dice roll]

Kaitlin: That’s a thirteen…

Kat: Luckily he’s not wearing armour. 

Kaitlin: Oh shit, that’s right. 

Kat: So he has, like, ten AC. So you’re good. 

Kaitlin: [Whispering emphatically] Fuck yes. Fuck you, guy!

Kat: Yeah. You hit him. You whack him hard and he goes down. Sack of bricks style. 

Kaitlin: Yes. Bitches. Suck a dick. 

Noel: I call through the door:

Fran: Sir, do you need help coming out? Use the tiny key that’s on your key ring!

[Giggles]

Kaitlin: For good measure I do grab that keyring right off of him. Also, I do want to pat him down and I want to see if he has anything on him. 

Kat: He has a few coins in his pocket and a hard candy. 

Kaitlin: [Delighted] Oh! I grab all of it!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: That’s mine now. 

Noel: He has a Werther’s Original.

Kat: Actually it Worther’s Original. 

Noel: Spelled with extra ‘e’s on the end. 

Kat: Yeah. With a lot of extra ‘e’s and an umlaut in there. 

Kaitlin: How—the coins? What are those coins? How much are they worth?

Kat: There’s like three silver pieces.

Noel: One for each of us. 

[Laughter]

Noel: We’ve gotta share the Worther’s Originaleeee. 

Kaitlin: Yeah. We’ll share the one Worther’s Originaleeee.

Kat: It’s coo-cumber flavoured. 

[Kaitlin makes a noise of disgust]

Sophia: I’ll kill you. 

Kaitlin: I’ll grab the keys and his Worther’s and the coins and I go to the door and I open it and... give me a minute to think of something witty to say to Fran.

Noel: Okay. 

Kat: We won’t look at you. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, don’t look at me. But I’m gonna look at all of you. 

Noel: I was looking to see your guys’ reactions when Kaitlin drops this sick wit. 

[Laughter]

Kat: It’s not gonna be that sick. The only thing that’s coming—

Noel: Oooooh maaan! She’s about to burn it up!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I go in front of the door and I say:

Corbin: Knock knock.

[Very quiet laughter]

Fran: The door’s already open, you idiot.

Noel: [Through laughter] She walks inside.

Corbin: You’re supposed to say ‘Who’s there?’!

Fran: No.

Noel: We all go in and we close the door behind us. 

Kaitlin: Quickly. 

Kat: The Goddess signs:

Maeri: What about Laika?

Kat: And! We’re gonna go back to Laika. Sylvias has—he’s standing by his desk now. And he’s looking at the missing objects. How blank it is. To remind you guys: you stole a ton of stuff from him. 

Sophia: Isn’t that in Fran’s bag of holding. 

Kat: It is. 

Noel: Yeah, you don’t have it. 

Sophia: Yeah, good. 

Kat: You don’t have it. 

Sophia: I don’t want him to take my treasure!

Sylvias: So, tell me, what was your mission? Presumably it wasn’t to steal my valuables. Why are you here? 

Laika: I was looking for khastra poison. I thought perhaps that golden egg would have some poison in it. It didn’t. So…

Sylvias: No. It was just a precious family heirloom. 

Laika: Well.

Sylvias: Where is it?

Sophia: I wink at him. 

[Noel laughs]

Noel: Nice.

Kat: Alright. He walks over and he touches your forehead again. 

[Dice roll]

Kat: That is going to be sixteen points of psychic damage. 

Sophia: Yeah. I accept it. 

Kat: Okay. We’re gonna hop back to the others then. The Goddess has signed:

Maeri: What about Laika?

Fran: Great question, Maeri. 

[Fran nervously laughs]

Maeri: We can’t leave her. 

Corbin: What happened? What did you do to Laika?! What happened?

Fran: [Upset] We didn’t do anything to Laika! She got caught. They took her away. 

Corbin: You finally killed her. 

[Silence]

Fran: [Confused. Genuinely didn't hear him] What? What did you say?

Corbin: [Innocently] Nothing.

Sophia: What did you say?

Corbin: We have to go save her. 

[Laughter]

Corbin: Fran, you heartless bastard. 

Fran: I mean, how long do you think this guy is gonna be knocked out for? What if he wakes up in here?

Corbin: Well, let’s tie him up. 

Kat: As you guys are tying him up, Maeri is fiddling with her hands. She’s just wringing her hands for a minute. And finally she signs:

Maeri: I have an idea… but I’ll need help and it won’t be easy. 

Fran: Well what is it? That’s more than I have. 

Maeri: I think… Fran, if you can give me some of your power… I think I can create an opening. I’ll have to stay here and I’ll have to stay hidden because I’ll have to concentrate but it will give you enough time to go get her. We’ll have to move quickly though… and if any of us get caught it could go very badly. 

Fran: An opening? What do you mean?

Maeri: I can blind them all. I know how to do it. Cecilia taught me how to blind people with magic. It was a way I helped to hide from people and hide what I was. What I am. 

Sophia: [Voiced very high pitched] Permanently!?

Noel: No, ‘cause they’re gonna get their sight back afterwards. I’m sure it’s gonna be a problem. 

Sophia: [Relieved] Okay. Alright. 

Kaitlin: Didn’t you ever wonder why half of Estra’s population was blind? Just all the time. 

[Laughter]

Noel: Didn’t you ever wonder?

Kaitlin: Didn’t you ever wonder?

Sophia: Nah, I just assumed it was normal.

Maeri: But I need—I know I don’t have enough power. Without Estra I can’t—I can’t make a spell that big. Fran… it won’t be pleasant. 

Fran: [Not paying attention] Hmm?

[Laughter]

Maeri: But I need—If you can lend me some of your power I—I know I can do it. 

Fran: I… don’t know how much power I have left. 

Kat: Functionally, you will take a point of intelligence damage. It’s a temporary point of intelligence damage. 

Fran: Oh. Okay. Well that’s fine. Is there—what can we hide her—

Kat: She can hide—Maeri says:

Maeri: I’ll hide under the desk. 

Fran: How do you want me to…

Kat: The Goddess grabs Fran’s hands. And Fran you feel a sharp headache. It’s very quick and it fades almost instantly. But just after that happens the Goddess slides under the desk and tucks herself in there and clasps her hands together, bows her head and then outside you hear… screaming. 

[‘how do adventure’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: People shouting and absolute pandemonium. As everybody in the complex besides the two of you and presumably Laika, everybody goes blind. Laika, you’re in your chair in pain and suddenly Sylvias shouts. 

Sylvias: What have you done!?

Kat: And he starts flailing around, twisting his head from side to side. 

Sylvias: What have you done!?

Sophia: I’m not tied to the chair, am I?

Kat: You are manacled with your hands behind your back but you are not tied to the chair. 

Sophia: [Amused] I’m gonna get out of that chair and start moving towards the door. 

[Kaitlin and Noel laugh]

Kat: Alright. 

Sophia: And very quietly, too. 

Kat: Hold on. Roll a stealth check. 

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Uhhhhh.

[Kat laughs]

Sophia: Great. It’s seven. 

Kat: Sylvias, he immediately turns towards you. He can hear you clearly. Your armour just rattles way too much. He immediately reaches out and grabs your arm as you walk past him. 

Sylvias: Where are you going?

Laika: Crazy. Wanna come?

Sophia: And I’m gonna headbutt him with my horns. 

Kat: [Amused] Okay. 

[Kaitlin gasps]

[Dice roll]

Sophia: I got a twenty. 

Kat: Yeah, that’ll do. That’ll hit him.

Sophia: I’m hitting to knock him out, too. 

Kat: Yeah. You headbutt him squarely and he goes down. He’s not knocked out but he’s cirppled to the point where he’s on the ground clutching his head. 

Sophia: When he put the hand-cuffs on me did he have the keys? Can I roll to know that?

Kat: Yeah. Roll to see if you notice where the keys went. That’ll be perception. 

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Twelve. 

Kat: Okay. What you noticed was that there was no key. 

Sophia: Oh. 

Noel: Oh. 

Sophia: Okay. Soooo… I’m gonna bounce then. 

Kat: Alright. How are you going to open the door?

Sophia: I’m going to—you can, like, squiggle your arms… out. And then get your legs over them. 

[Kat sighs]

Kat: Let’s roll acrobatics to see if you can go that. That’d be how flexible you are. 

Sophia: Sure.

[Dice roll]

Kat: In your armour.

Sophia: That’s a fifteen. 

Kat: You lay down on the floor. And start wiggling to get your hand in front of yourself. And by the time you are getting—you feel like you’re getting close. You think you’re getting close. Fran and Corbin, what are y’all doin’? I assume you are running directly to this room?

Noel: Yeah! We were gonna go out and go get her. 

Kaitlin: Yeah. We’re makin’ our way downtown. 

Kaitlin: Fran and Corbin, you sprint through these halls. And people are screaming and clutching their eyes and trying to figure out what is going on as they run into things and each other. Some of the young privates have just sat down on the floor and are weeping and wailing.

[‘how do adventure’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Noel: Oh my gosh. 

Kaitlin: Jesus Christ. 

[Laughter]

Noel: As we’re running I’m like:

Fran: Maeri is so crazy.

Kat: You guys burst into the room and find Laika lying on the floor. Wiggling.

Noel: Where’s the guy?

Kat: He’s on the ground. He’s clutching his head and he’s out. 

Noel: I step on him to get to Laika. 

[Giggles]

Noel: Even if I don’t have to. I walk around out of the way to step on him. 

[Giggles]

Sophia: I’m gonna say:

Laika: Hey, guys. Will you tie that guy up? He’s… he’s a bummer. 

Corbin: I kick him in the head and then I’ll tie him up. While I’m doing that can I also pat him down for valuables?

[Laughter in background as Kat talks]

Kat: He does not have any valuables on him because you guys already stole all of his valuables.

Kaitlin: Just wanted to make sure. Okay. 

Noel: Kaitlin!

Kat: Actually, while you’re tying him up, he groans and says:

Sylvias: Who… are you?

Fran: [Not cool] We’re the Guardians, you son of a bitch. 

Sophia: I kick him in the head. 

[Laughter]

Fran: What did he do to you?!

Laika: Aw… he just poked me a little bit with his finger. 

[Fran makes and angry noise]

Corbin: That’s sick!

Fran: According to elementary school knowledge that’s sexual harassment if you do it for more than eight seconds!

Laika: It was more than eight seconds. 

[Fran makes an even angrier noise]

Corbin: Oh, I’m gonna kill him. 

Laika: So I hear a lot of screaming?

Fran: Yeah, we gotta go. What are you doin’ on the ground?

Sophia: I show them my hand-cuffs after I’ve got them up over my bod. 

Fran: Oh okay. Well… let’s get to a hidden place and then we’ll deal with that. 

Sophia: I wink. 

Fran: We got the key, by the way. 

Sophia: I give ‘em a thumbs up with both my hands. 

Fran: Ah-let’s go. 

Kat: You race back through the war room. People are still freaking out. They have not ceased their freak out. 

Sophia: I’m looking at Fran like I can’t believe she did this. ‘Cause I’m like, ‘Wow. Fran’s powerful spell.’.

Kat: You make it back to the room and it’s quiet as soon as you close that door behind you. What do you do? Now you guys are in the office—Maeri’s still under the desk. You haven’t announced your presence to her. 

Noel: She not notice us come in?

Kat: She—yeah. She’s too deep in her concentration. 

Kaitlin: We gotta lock this door, then. Before we snap her out of it. 

Sophia: Yeah. We should barricade it too. Let’s put everything up against that door. 

Kaitlin: Maybe hide the guy we tied up. Can we stuff him under the couch?

Noel: That’s what I was thinking too. Is there places to put him?

Sophia: Will you gag him too?

Noel: Yeah, good idea. 

Kaitlin: Yeah. 

Kat: There’s not really a great place but you could sort of shove him under the coffee table?

Noel: Yeah, we’ll do that. 

Kaitlin: What about the couch!?

Kat: It’s a low couch. It’s too low to shove a body under. 

Kaitlin: What if we just lifted it up and let it kind of sit on him?

[Laughter]

Kat: He’s a—like I said: He’s a stocky—he’s a big man. 

Kaitlin: Alright. 

Kat: He’s not gonna fit under a couch. 

Noel: Alright. That sounds like a plan. We fill Laika in on what we’ve done so far. 

Kat: You guys barricade the door. You shove the chairs and the sofa and the coffee table all in front of it. 

Noel: I go and I shake Maeri. 

Kaitlin: While you guys are doing this I want to stack that guy’s body on top of the barricade.

[Laughter]

Sophia: Nice. 

Kat: Nice. 

Noel: Cool. 

Kat: Fran, you go and you crouch down to see Maeri under the desk. Her eyes closed, her hands folded in front of her and her brow furrowed in concentration. 

[‘angelic goddess etc’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights beings playing]

Kat: You grab her arm to wake her and she—immediately her eyes open and they are pure gold. She reaches out and she grabs your wrist and her nails dig into your skin for just a moment before her eyes clear and she lets go. She is shaking, visibly. And then she signs:

Maeri: Did you get her?

Fran: [Laughs nervously] Typical Maeri. Yeah! We got her. Uh. Did you have a good time in here? Seems like no. 

Maeri: It’s… not pleasant. No. 

Corbin: That was badass cool though, Maeri. 

Laika: Are you okay?

Maeri: I’m okay. Let’s go. How do we get down there? Fran, you scouted it out. 

[‘angelic goddess etc’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights concludes playing]

Fran: Well, there’s a staircase but it’s super long and I didn’t know if I would have enough time if I went all the way down. So all I know is… we’re goin’ down. 

Maeri: Well how—how do we open this—it’s behind the bookshelf, right? How do we open the door?

Noel: I did see a way to do it, didn’t I?

Kat: Yeah, there’s a lever on the other side. 

Noel: Ohhhh. Okay. 

Sophia: I start pullin’ books off the shelf because I have seen mystery—I have read mystery books. 

Kat: Nothing happens as you pull books off the shelf. 

Sophia: I just turn back and I say: 

Laika: It’s broken. 

Noel: Okay, let’s do investigation checks.

Kat: Okay. 

Sophia: Try to figure out a way…

[Dice rolling]

Sophia: I got a natural twenty. 

Kat: Oh! Okay. 

Noel: Mm. I got at ten. 

Kat: But Laika got a natural twenty. Laika, you are looking at this bookshelf and you’re doing everything you can to try and figure out, ‘How do I open it?’. The books don’t work, you start grabbing artefacts off the shelves to try and see if one of them is a hidden lever. But nothing seems to be working until you—you’re looking at the fireplace. And you see there are no burn marks inside. But there are things that have been burned. Whatever fire’s been in here has never made any burn marks on the stone. 

Sophia: I point to the fire and I’m like:

Laika: Looks weird, guys. 

Fran: Mmm.

Sophia: Imma go in the fireplace. 

Kat: You’re in the fireplace. 

[Soft laughter]

Kaitlin: Can I light a fire in the fireplace?

Kat: Yeah.

Kaitlin: Because I have a cantrip called Produce Flame. 

Corbin: [Way too dramatically] Laika, get out of there!

Sophia: Laika doesn’t move from the fireplace because she has resistance to fire damage and she just looks directly at COrbin and is like:

Laika: Do it. 

Kaitlin: Corbin lights the fireplace. 

Kat: Alright. You’re still gonna take damage from that. Just ‘cause you're resistant doesn’t mean you’re immune. 

Sophia: That’s fine. 

Noel: [Weakly] Oh my god. 

Kat: You produce a small jet of flame into the fireplace and you hear a click and the bookshelf on the back wall swings open just a little bit. But enough that you can grab it and pull it open. And reveal the long, spiralling staircase downward. And you take two points of damage. 

Sophia: Alright!

Kat: From being on fire. 

Sophia: I act like I’m in the shower. I’m cleaning myself. The dirt is burning off my skin. 

Noel: It’s burning a lot. 

Sophia: Uh-huh. 

Noel: It’s giving you two points of damage

Sophia: Exfoliation. 

Kaitlin: Oh my god. 

[Noel makes a disgusted noise]

Laika: Hey, before we go anybody got any ideas about my cool bracelets?

Fran: What?

Sophia: I show my hand-cuffs. 

Noel: Oh, right. 

Laika: I can’t cast anything and also wielding a sword is gonna be difficult. 

Kaitlin: What if we just try stabbing it with something?

Kat: Maeri has a knife. 

Noel: I also have a knife. 

Kaitlin: I have a spear. 

Kat: Probably, actually, the spear might be the best option. I’m just thinking, how do you break a manacle. You have to put—

Kaitlin: Stab.

Sophia: You can’t just break it with a giant sword?

Kat: I guess they could use your sword!

Sophia: They’re not proficient in it though. 

Kat: No. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, we might cut your hand off. 

Noel: It’ll be just like that scene in Titanic!

Kat: Yeah… alright. So, before they get any further, Maeri takes your sword off of your back, Laika. 

Noel: Oh my god. 

[Kaitlin laughs]

Sophia: I am a little scared. 

Kat: She looks at Fran and Corbin. She puts the sword down and then signs:

Maeri: I haven’t ever used a sword… have either of you? Ever... done this?

Noel: I say to Laika:

Fran: While you were studying the blade I was going to school. 

Kat: The Goddess then picks the sword back up and points with one hand to the desk. Like you should put your hands on the desk.

Sophia: I put ‘em on the desk. 

Noel: I think Corbin should do it!

Corbin: Crazy Maeri’s gonna kill Laika. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Maeri shoots you a look, Corbin. 

Sophia: I look Maeri in the eyes and I say:

Laika: I trust you. 

Kat: She nods and then looks back at Corbin and Fran again like, hoping one of them is going to stop her. 

Fran: Maeri… you can reattach hands, right?

Kat: She shrugs. 

[Laughter]

Kat: And then turns back to you, Laika, nods and then swings the sword down and chops the manacles in two. 

[Noel groans in relief]

Sophia: Yay! She did it!

Kaitlin: Woooooahhh!

Kat: Your hands are free but they are still attached to your wrists. 

Sophia: [Disappointed] Ohhhhhh. Well. 

Kaitlin: So is the magic still…

Kat: The anti-magic is still in effect but you are at least able to use your sword. 

Noel: Can I investigate the manacles quickly? See if there's anything…

Kat: Yeah, roll investigation. 

[Dice rolling]

Noel: Nope. I got a two. 

Kat: Okay, no. You look at these manacles—the thing you do notice is as soon as you touch them you feel very cold. 

Noel: Oh, okay. So it—alright. 

[Sophia hums with intrigue] 

Kat: And then as soon as you take your hands away you regain that sense of warmth. 

Sophia: We could use that though, if it’s affecting her when it touches her. 

Noel: Yeah. 

Sophia: That’s a cool weapon. 

Noel: Is it touching her skin?

Kat: Yes. 

Noel: What happens if we put her clothes between the manacles and her skin?

Kat: You yank Laika’s sleeves down and as soon as none of the metal is touching Laika’s skin, Laika, you feel the warmth and the light return to you. The light of Fenrir. 

Sophia: Kaboom!

[Noel laughs]

Laika: I feel better. Thanks guys!

Noel: The old never-nude hack. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: I’m gonna rip some fabric from something nearby and tie them so they are not gonna slip around. 

Kat: Sure. You cut strips of upholstery off of the sofa t0 create cuffs that you put underneath your handcuffs. 

Sophia: Yeah. 

Kat: Cool. Now you have some cool bracelets. 

Kaitlin: Yeeeaaahhh. 

Noel: Some cool death-bracelets. 

Kat: Well, before you go, Laika, the Goddess casts Cure Wounds on you and she heals you for…

[Dice rolls]

Kat: Fifteen points of damage. 

Sophia: Oh wow! Alright! I’m like—I’m doing it!

Kat: You’re back. You’re back in business here. Are you ready?

Fran: Let’s go. Down deeper. Into the gullet of the beast. Where we will surely die. 

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) begins playing]

Noel: I say with a smile. And I give each of my friends an encouraging slap on the back before I go through the door. 

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) plays, fades into interlude]

[Hands clap together]

Noel: And last of all, as is our prized tradition here on Dames And Dragons, a message… to Chantel. [Singing] Chantel… marble… these are words that go together well… my Chantel. [Stops singing] Another word that goes together well is the code word: Dc sign. Chantel, you have been activated. And for that reason you must go. 

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) plays, fades to episode]

Noel: Should we… perceive this stairway?

Kat: No. It’s a stairway.

Noel: Cool, cool, cool. Let’s go

Kat: It’s a dark, long stairway. And it goes down and it goes down. And it just keeps going down. It takes you about fifteen minutes to get down this staircase. It is very long and very dizzying as you’re going around and around and around and around. You guys get to the point where you can see light a couple rings below you. What order are you walking in?

Noel: You don’t have Pass Without A Trace anymore, right?

Kaitlin: No. All my level two spell slots are used up. 

Noe: Great. Well, I’ll go first, I guess. 

Kat: Okay. Fran’s in front and you are almost down the staircase and you stop before you get to the bottom as you see that same shimmer that you guys saw when you first came in. 

Noel: Like that Torva is gonna appear?

Kat: Yep. 

[‘snazzy jazzy guitar’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Noel: [Panicked] Let’s back up! Let’s back up!

Sophia: Back up, back up, back up!

Kat: You back up and then you hear a voice that is not Torva’s. It’s not that terrifying sound. Instead you hear:

Unnamed Person: [Lowkey sarcastic] Artie! I’m home! 

Noel: Sorry, what?

Kat: So you, just barely, as you’re backing up you see a very familiar figure—

Sophia: It’s Falen. 

Kat: —has stepped out. It’s Falen. 

[Multiple excited groans]

Kat: You’re right. Please stop stepping on my damn story telling. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: I’m excited. 

Kat: God. 

Noel: [Creepily]  Aw man. I bet he looks good. 

Artie: [Robot voice. Because they’re a fantasy robot] Your father is looking for you. 

Kat: An iron golem says this as they amble out of the right-side corridor. Their metal frame is dressed in a similar uniform to those upstairs. 

[Falen sighs]

Falen: My father’s always looking for me. 

Kat: Falen says. 

Falen: Here. I brought you something for the vault. Straight from Kai’s own bed chamber.

Kat: Fran, since you’re in front, you see Flaen toss a book to the golem, who catches it and opens it. 

[‘snazzy jazzy guitar’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Kat: As soon as they do they’re engulfed in a bubble of water. Artie tries to close the book but is unable to move against the torrent of water that pours from the book and into a bubble around them. 

[Falen laughs]

Falen: Woah!

Kat: Falen, he grabs the book by the spine and snaps it shut, breaking the spell. Water falls all over the floor. 

Falen: [Amused] I’m sorry, buddy, but I couldn’t resist. Oh, if you had a face… the look on it would have been priceless. 

[Noel laughs]

Artie: I will get a mop. 

Kat: Falen tosses the book back to Artie. 

Falen: I’m beat. I’ll be in my room if you need me. 

Artie: You should go to your father. 

Falen: If my father wishes to admonish me for not following his orders when he made me to be the patron of rebels, then that is his business. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy a nap. 

Kat: Falen—you see him walk away then, down anoth—the hallway off to the right. Artie shakes their head and then does down the left hallway. 

Noel: [Frantically] Where's the book!?

Kat: Oh, Artie has it. 

[Noel groans in frustration]

Kat: Artie took it with them. 

Noel: We need to get the book!

Kat: Once Artie and Falen are gone, you guys, I assume, head down the stairway the rest of the ways?

Noel: Yes, very carefully. 

Kat: Very carefully. You can see what’s in this room. In front of you it’s another obsidian hall. A bit smaller than the one upstairs. 

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) beings playing]

Kat: Across from you there’s an enormous painting of a mountain on fire. Beneath that there’s an altar with red candles, an iron sword, an axe and a shield. Throughout the rest of this room there are sculptures, paintings, carvings and tapestries. They all appear to depict Torva’s many battles and his victories. 

In the centre of the room there's a massive model of a sea battle which runs the whole length of this floor. There’s a sculpture of Torva beheading a man. A sculpture of a man crucified to a black slap. A painting of a white figure falling from a tall tower into an angry mob. And many more similar works of art. On either side of the painting of the mountain there are large doors. And there are hallways leading left and right. What do you guys want to do?

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Sophia: So, Artie’s probably going to the vault. Guessing that’s where Vioni is. 

Noel: Yeah. Good point. 

Sophia: We should probably go there, but that is an iron golem. 

Noel: Yeah…

Sophia: But it has a book!

Noel: [Guttural] I want that book so bad, you guys. 

Sophia: Well, we have ‘em open it again, too, then it’s stuck. 

Kaitlin: Can we go peek? Into the big doors? And then if it looks like it’s a boring ass room then go down the hallway. 

Noel: I’m afraid of peeking into doors where Torva might be. If we're gonna go follow Artie, I think we should just do it. 

Sophia: Yeah. 

Kat: Okay. You guys go down the hallway to the left. There are three doors down this hallway. There are two your right and one of your left. 

Noel: Do we see where the golem went?

Kat: No. 

Noel: Uhhhh, ‘kay. Let’s go to the nearest door and listen. 

Kat: That’s the door on your left. YOu hear the sound of heavy footsteps on stone floor from inside. 

Noel: Does it sound like when we heard this golem walking before?

Kat: Yeah. 

Noel: Then let’s open the door. Very gently, if we can. And if it makes a noise we will not proceed for a minute. 

[Giggles]

Kat: You open the door, just to peek in. And you see inside this room there are three huge desks and no bed. There are bookshelves along one wall and neat stacks of books everywhere. There are magical artefacts on the desks which are all in various states of disassembly. There's papers all over the desks. Dispite how much stuff there is in this room, and there is a lot of stuff, it’s all very neat. It’s super organised. Despite all the clutter it seems everything has its place. 

Artie has set the book down on one of the desks and is sitting in a threadbare upholstered chair with a cup of tea in their hand. 

[Chorus of ‘Aww’s]

Kaitlin: Oh my god. 

Sophia: Artie, why you gotta be bad guy?

[Noises of agreement]

Sophia: Artie is official Uncle Iroh

[Laughter]

Kat: Basically. This campaign is Avatar: The Last Airbender. 

Kaitlin: Ho-ly shit. 

Noel: It’s all the same. I’m Sokka. 

[Laughter]

Noel: I’m clearly not Sokka. 

Kat: No, you’re Katara because you’re a waterbender. 

Sophia: Yep. 

Kat: Corbin—

Sophia: Corbin’s Sokka. 

Kaitlin: Yeah, I’m Sokka. 

Sophia: The Goddess is Aang. 

Kat: I guess you’re Toph, then?

Sophia: I’m Toph. Wait but [To Noel] —no—you’re Toph, though. 

[Noel laughs]

Sophia: Yeah. I’m Katara. You’re Toph. 

Kaitlin: I think it’s more like Aaang and three Sokka’s.

[Laughter]

Sophia: I think you’re right. 

Noel: You’ve solved it! Okay. When it was engulfed in water, what happened?

Kat: The golem?

Noel: Yeah. 

Kat: It just seemed kind of annoyed. 

Noel: So it wasn’t like it stopped functioning or anything?

Kat: No. It was trying to move against the water but there was just so much water coming out of the book it couldn't reach it. 

Sophia: Do we get the sense—I’m gonna open up my Divine Sense. 

Kat: You open your Divine Sense and you get—it’s crushingly dark. It’s this dark divinity around you. And it is different from unholy. Which is something you’ve felt before. You’ve felt desecration. You’ve felt unholy. But this is a dark divinity. But you do notice when you—I’m assuming you guys are stacked Three Stooges style? In the crack of this door frame?

Noel: Yeah. 

Kat: When you look at the golem? Nothing. 

Sophia: Yep. 

Kat: You see no divinity. No magic. No nothing. 

Sophia: Is there a source in this room that seems powerful?

Kat: No. It’s just an oppressive feeling throughout this entire complex. 

Sophia: And looking in this room do we see any other doorways?

Kat: No. 

Sophia: Okay. I’m gonna pull us all back. 

Laika: I don’t think it’s… I don’t think there's anything in there. Except that really cool book. 

[Mysterious dice roll]

Fran: [Desperately] Laika, I need me the book though.

Kat: As you guys are whispering in the hallway the door opens in front of you and the golem is standing there. 

Artie: Are you intruders? Or visitors?

Fran: Oh, we’re visitors.

Corbin: Visitors!

[‘ukulele grunge’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) beings playing]

Artie: Hmm. I feel like… I do not feel. That is a lie. What can I do for you?

Laika: Oh. 

Fran: [Stilted] Uh. Hi! My name is Fran. And. 

Sophia: Stark. 

Fran: We were just wondering—we need to check up on the Vessel of Vioni. 

Artie: I’m sorry. I do not know which artefact you speak of. Let me check my records. 

Fran: Thank you!

Noel: And we folloooow?

Kat: Yeah.

Noel: The golem in!

Kat: You follow the golem inside and you see now that Artie is not in their chair, that the chair has a lot of tea stains on it. Um—

[Sophia ‘Aw’s]

Noel: Like Artie just has been pouring tea on themselves?

[Sophia’s ‘Aw’s intensify]

Kat: Yeah. Artie has been pouring tea into their mouth but uh, it just goes straight through ‘em  ‘cause they’re an iron golem.

Sophia: Awww! They’re so cute. 

Kat: Arite picks up a thick tome from one of the desks and begins looking through it. 

Artie: Mm. Do you know, is this a personal affect?

Fran: Uh.... more like a person affect. 

Artie: Mm. Is it living?

Fran: Ish?

Artie: Mmm. I do not have a record of an item in our vault called the Vessel of Vioni. 

Laika: Can we check out a book?

Artie: This is not a library. This a vault of the spoils of war. 

Fran: Well, can we just take it?

Artie: Take what?

Fran: A book.

Artie: Which book.

Laika: This one.

Sophia: [Laughing] I point to the one on the table.

Artie: That is a new acquisition from Lord Falen. I cannot let you take it until I have time to do a thorough analysis. 

[Fran groans]

Laika: How long will that take?

Artie: I do not know. I have not had time to do a cursory analysis. 

Fran: Aight. Why don’t you do your cursory analysis and we’ll do a cursory analysis of this room. You’re very helpful and I’m glad that you looove to drink tea. 

Laika: Actually, my friend here—

Sophia: I point to Corbin. 

Laika: —has a specialty tea! That he makes!

Corbin: That’s true. 

Artie: I do not have a sense of taste. A specialty tea would be wasted on me. 

Laika: I disagree. I think you really deserve… something nice. 

Corbin: A specialty tea is never wasted. 

Artie: That is, objectively, false. 

Noel: I start looking around at the notes and the different stuff around in this room. 

Kat: I mean, it looks like every piece of—every artefact that’s been disassembled, there's very detailed notes in surprisingly small handwriting. It seems what Artie does, is basically, disassembles these objects to figure out how they work and what their enchantments are. 

[Sophia gasps]

Noel: Hmm. 

Laika: Artie! I have an object to bring to you but I have a problem. It’s attached to my body. 

Sophia: And I show them my bracelets. 

Kat: Artie comes over and they look at your manacles. 

Artie: These are dwarven manacles, from the armoury. Do you think that you can fool me? I am not stupid. 

[Laughter]

Artie: Are you an intruder or a visitor?

Laika: Visitor! 

Artie: That is a lie. You are lying to me. 

Sophia: I’m gonna touch the manacles to Artie. 

Kat: Nothing happens. 

Sophia: Damn it. 

Artie: I am not affected by magic or non-magic. I have lived for centuries in this vault. 

Laika: Artie, you seem really nice.

Arite: I am not. I am objective. You are intruders. What do you want here?

Fran: We already told you, to be honest. 

Laika: It’s the book. 

Fran: You said you wern’t stupid. 

Artie: Mm. Mm. Mm. 

Sophia: Burn. 

[Laughter]

Artie: I should get Lord Falen. 

Kat: And Artie begins to leave the room. 

Fran: Uhh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. We gotta protect Falen from this situation. [Stammering] He would… only… get. Hurt. 

[Laughter]

Artie: Lord Falen is a capable warrior, trained by Lord Torva himself. It is more likely that you will be the ones who are hurt. 

Fran: Half this group was trained by Torva and we can’t even pick a lock. 

Sophia: Can I roll a perception check on the golem and see if there's not like a… off switch?

Kat: Sure. Roll a perception check. 

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Nine. 

Kat: Okay. What you notice with a nine is that Artie is very big. Iron golems are very, very powerful. And Artie has not attacked you. 

Kaitlin: Can I do a persuasion check?

Sophia: Yeah!

Kat: Sure. 

Kaitlin: Alright. 

[Dice roll]

Kaitlin: Oh fuck yeah. I got twenty though, but not natural. 

Kat: Okay! Yeah. 

Corbin: Um, Artie. My buddy, my sweet metal boy… my uhhh—

Artie: I do not have a gender. 

Corbin: I am so sorry. My sweet metal…

Fran: Child?

Corbin: Uhh. Listen, here’s the deal: You—you did—you caught us in a bit of a goof. Uh. See, my good friend over here—

Kaitlin: And I point to Laika. 

Corbin: Was in the armoury and she was, you know, messing around. We were having a bit of a laugh. You know, just dudes being dudes. 

[Sophia laughs]

Corbin: And she put the manacles on and then… we couldn’t get ‘em off. 

Fran: And we—we thought: ‘We need somebody wise.’

Corbin: Yeah. 

Fran: ‘To help us do this.’

Corbin: And you know, we know that you were down here and that you could help us out with all these artefacts and so…

Artie: Enough. 

Corbin: We came down here. 

Artie: Enough. You cannot get down here without a key. Commander Bronca holds the only key. Commander Bronca would not let privates into the office. You do not need to lie to me. I do not care. I will not attack. I am made to protect all that which is Torva’s. If you have business in the vault: those items do not belong to Torva. 

Fran: Oh. 

Corbin: Who do they belong to?

Artie: Who ever he stole them from. 

Laika: Oh!

Corbin: I like it. 

Fran: I bet Torva does not like you. 

[Chuckles]

Artie: Torva does not pay me mind. I am a construct. I am a tool. 

Fran: Ah, he should pay you a little more mind ‘cause I think he’s about to get effed. 

Kat: The Goddess steps forward—Maeri steps forward. She signs to the golem:

Maeri: Well that’s my diary.

[Noel gasps]

Kat: Artie looks at the book on the table and says:

Artie: My apologies. Please, retrieve your diary. I do not wish to touch it again for it was not pleasant to be engulfed in so much water. 

Fran: Artie, you’re all right. 

Corbin: I’m sorry I lied to you, Artie. 

Laika: Artie, I’m sorry I put my magic bracelets on your body.

Artie: No need for apologies. I understand. I am an intimidating figure. 

Fran: Yes you are. You’re very intimidating. 

Laika: And beautiful. 

[Noel giggles]

Artie: Thank you. Now, do you have more business here?

Fran: Nope! Not really. Uh, could you show us where—is this the vault?

Artie: No. The vault is the next level down. 

Fran: Oooh. 

Laika: How do we get there?

Artie: I cannot tell you.

Fran: You’re not allowed or you don’t know?

Artie: I cannot tell you. 

Fran: Okay. 

Artie: You should take the guide. 

Fran: The guide?

Artie: The guide to the vault. 

Fran: Uh-huh. 

Kat: Artie picks up the big tome that they had been looking through when you originally were asking about Vioni’s Vessel. 

Noel: Ahh. 

Kat: And hands it to Fran. 

Artie: All items in the vault are categorised numerically. 

Fran: Are you sure you don’t want to come with us? 

Artie: I cannot. 

Fran: You gotta stay here?

Artie: I cannot assist you. It is against my primary commands. 

Fran: Is it against your primary commands to not tell anybody we were here?

Attire: No. 

Fran: Then please don’t tell anybody we were here, Artie.

Artie: Nobody talks to me. There is nobody for me to tell. 

Fran: We just saw you talking to Falen. 

Artie: Mm. Master Falen is… an exception. But he is asleep. 

Fran: [Quietly] He’s hot. 

[Laughter]

Corbin: Hey, Artie, could you please tell Master Falen that Fran said that but that’s the only thing you can tell him. 

Laika: Just out of context say: ‘Somebody—

Corbin: Just completely out of context. 

Fran: [Pretending to be annoyed] Corbin! Stop!

Artie: I will let him know. 

Corbin: Thank you. 

Fran: Artie! Stop it!

[Laughter]

Sophia: I high-five Corbin. 

Kaitlin: Yeahhh. 

Sophia: I whisper:

Laika: Matchmaker. 

Kaitlin: I wink at Laika. 

[‘beautiful owl (Ending Theme)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: The Goddess gives Artie a little bow before you guys leave. And then she hands the book to Fran. 

[Noel gasps incredibly loudly]

Maeri: Can you put this in your bag? 

Kat: She signs. 

Fran: [Not normally] Yes, I’ll…

Noel: I stare at it. 

Fran: I’ll just keep it there for you. Maeri. 

Kat: She shrugs. 

Noel: Slowly put it away. 

Kat: She shrugs. 

Maeri: I haven’t ever been able to read it. 

[Noel gasps again. Softly this time]

Fran: Wait, what?

Maeri: I lied. 

Kat: She signs. 

[Laughter]

Fran: Maeri, you crazy bastard!

Corbin: Maeri!

Laika: Crazy Maeri!

Kat: She shrugs again and signs:

Maeri: I thought it was my diary until I found out I wasn’t me. 

Fran: Ooh. 

Corbin: Ooooooooh. 

Fran: This is dope, Maeri. 

Corbin: Maeri, you’re so cool. 

Kat: She shrugs again. 

Fran: So it’s—it’s Kai’s diary, then. 

Kat: She nods. 

Maeri: The same thing always happened to me as you saw happen to Artie. 

[Fran laughs weirdly]

Fran: Oh Maeri! This is the opposite of a problem!

Kat: She nods. 

Maeri: We can look at it later. For now, where's the vault?

[‘beautiful owl (Ending Theme)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) swells, continues and then concludes playing]

Noel: You know what I just thought of? What’s that guy’s deal? That he’s like ‘Ah, I’m finally here in Torva’s chambers. Let me—

[Devolves to laughter]

Noel: [Through laughter] —Touch everything.’

Sophia: [Through laughter] Yeah!

Kaitlin: Yeah, I know! I was wondering about that as well. 

Noel: He’s in love with Torva. 

Sophia: Well maybe there’s something we could have taken. 

[Noel ‘Mm’s skeptically]

Kat: Not to give too much away, but, Noel has the right idea. Ah—

Noel: [Intensely] He’s in love with Torva!

Sophia: He’s sexually attracted—

[Kaitlin screams in sheer horror]

Sophia: —to Torva. No wonder he was like ‘Leave me alone!’

Kaitlin: [Softly] Holy shit. 

Noel: ‘I needed some time.’

Kaitlin: Disgusting. 

Noel: But I mean, it might not be like he’s romantically in love—

[Kaitlin hums skeptically]

Noel: —he just is like…

Kaitlin: I think he’s definitely romantically in love and he absolutely was gonna jack off in his office. 

Sophia: It’s a romance! Bad romance!

Kat: Anyway!

Noel: Alright, let’s—let’s—a bad romance!

[Laughter]

[Transition music]

Noel: Hey there! Do you like D&D? Do you like dark fantasy worlds? Do you like the word ‘Midgard’ because it has the perfect amount of consonants in it? Do you like the idea of many little kobolds operating a printing press? Well I have great news for you, my friend.

You can combine all of those ideas and have a great time by checking out Kobold Press’ warlock Patreon. You can support and take part in Kobold Press’ Midgard setting. 

Midgard is, as you might surmise from the name, a world based on Norse mythology. In a world where the age of heroes has long passed and the bridge to glory has been broken, Midgard is lost in an age of war. Of dark wilderness and lost empires. The world serpent is stirring. And not even the all knowing Baba Yaga can say what will happen next. 

If you want to know what happens next, you gotta play! You gotta make it happen! And to play, you gotta get your hands on these booklets. And to get your hands on these booklets, you gotta donate to the Kobold Press Patreon. Their next goal is to add a second layer to the Warlock rewards each month. And for just one dollar a month you can get a huge amount of content. So, to help expand this world of fifth edition dark fantasy, go to patreon.com/koboldpress. That’s patreon.com/koboldpress.