Dames & Dragons 21. Into Avelis (Part 12)

Torva's Jaw, Torva's Jaw, what horrors await in Torva's Jaw? Corbin briefly becomes a charity case, Fran briefly becomes an incorporeal spy, and Laika remains obsessed with every sword she sees, forever. Our Guardians and Maeri infiltrate the lair of their most dangerous enemy and come up against the adversary of the century: a locked door.

✂️ Ep. 21 Outtakes & Extras ✂️ 

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Transcript

Dames and Dragons

DUNGEON MASTER/NPCs: Kat

Fran THE WATER GENASI WIZARD is played by Noel

Laika THE TIEFLING PALADIN is played by Sophia

Corbin THE HUMAN DRUID is played by Kaitlin

Dames and Dragons Transcript Episode 21 - Into Avelis (Part 12)

Intro Pixie: Well met, listeners, and welcome once again to Dames and Dragons. Today’s sponsor—

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Intro Pixie: And now, begone! Let us begin a new episode of Dames and Dragons.

[Music concludes playing. Fade to intro.]

Kat & Kaitlin: [Singing "Something to Talk About" by Bonnie Raitt] I'll give you something to talk about!

Kat: Anyway, that's the curse that Sophia has put on us.

[Laughter]

Noel: She won't stop singing it, and we are all cursed!

Kaitlin: I've never heard that song.

Sophia: Are you kidding me?! Look up Shania Twain!

Noel: Are you literally not kidding?

Kaitlin: No, I am not kidding. I have actually never heard of it.

Sophia: Wh— Get out! Kait— 

Kaitlin: When was it popular?

Noel: Like, in— Like, when we were kids!

Kaitlin: 'Kay, well that was during the period of time where all I listened to was Christian rock.

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) beings playing] 

Noel: Oh, okay. 

[Sophia laughs]

Kaitlin: So… I missed, like, a whole generation of music.

Noel: Yeah. But, like, Shania Twain was an honorary Christian rock...

Sophia: Yeah, she could fit into that category. If you haven't heard Shania Twain, you aren't alive. 

Kaitlin: I probably have heard some of her songs, but  I haven't heard that one. 

Sophia: Well, now you have.

Kat: Oh, this is truly a curse.

Noel: She also did 'Makes Me Feel Like A Woman' or 'I Feel Like A Woman'.

Kat: Oh, yeah. 

Kaitlin: [Singing] I feel like a woman! Uh-uh-oh-wah-ooh!

Kat: This is nothing. This is not an intro.

Noel: [Singing] Wah, wah, oh-wah oh! Ba, ba-daba!

Kaitlin: I think I have heard that one. 

[Laughter]

Kat: [Laughing] Oh, no...

Sophia: [Laughing] Is that in the song? 

Noel: [Laughing] Yeah...

Kaitlin: Yup.

[Laughter]

Kat: Let's play DnD!

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) plays and then fades out] 

Kat: Hi, I'm Kat. I'm your DM. 

Noel: Hi, I'm Noel and I play Fran, who's a genasi wizard. Level six! Right, right?

Kat: Yeah. 

[Laughter]

Noel: [Laughing] Yes, level six!

Kaitlin: Hello. I am Kaitlin. I play Corbin. He's a human. He's a druid. Stop looking at me, Noel. He's level six… 

Noel: [Laughing] That's the most subdued, and yet somehow the most disturbing intro you've ever done. 

Kaitlin: Thank you!

Noel: Yeah, you're welcome. 

Sophia: Hello, I'm Sophia, and I play Laika, a tiefling paladin… Level six.

Noel: Nice.

[Kaitlin makes ghostly sounds]

Sophia: Six-six-six!

Noel: [Gasps] The Devil's number...

Kaitlin: Oooooh...

Kat: Luckily there's also another level six with you, so it's six-six-six-six, and that's fine.

Noel: Oooh, okay. 

Kat: All right, so, last time you guys climbed a mountain. Why were you climbing a mountain?

Sophia: To hug the mountain.

Kat: To envelop...that mountain. 

Sophia: You know what, we just have to keep reusing these same jokes until they're dead.

Kat: And then people will think it's our joke and they won't remember the early 2000's YTMND.

Sophia: Yeah, they just won't remember the early 2000's, period. 

Kat: Okay, you— 

Sophia: Only 90's kids remember...

[Laughter]

Kat: Only 90's kids remember the mountain… So, Corbin, as you land on the grate it immediately drops open underneath you. And as soon as you are inside it snaps closed again. Just after that has happened, you hear:

Unnamed Guard: Aw, geez. Aw, geez! Aw, Marty! Another bird got in!

Kat: What do you do? 

Kaitlin: I act like a bird and I caw and I try and fly out and flap my wings vigorously. 

[‘let’s go’ — Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: So, the grate is just slightly too small for you to get through.

Kaitlin: 'Kay.

Kat: You feel like, maybe if you had some time to wiggle, you might be able to get through, but just as you're thinking that a guard comes in, followed closely by a second guard. They're both wearing heavy black cloaks and purple and black tabards with a broken tower symbol on them. 

So, the guard who comes in first; he sighs and he takes off his big black cloak, and he says:

Marty: I don't get why you're so scared of 'em. [Sighs] C'mere. C'mere, little birdie. 

Kat: And he starts approaching you with his cloak spread out.

[Kaitlin gives a distressed groan]

Kat: Meanwhile, the other one is saying:

Unnamed Guard: Aw, they're creepy! I-I don't know how they keep gettin' in here! Aren't they supposed to be smart?

Kat: Marty, he approaches you. He comes up the spiral staircases that goes down this cistern towards where you are, by the grate. 

Marty: Heeere, birdy, birdy. 

Kat: And he's holding out his cloak to try and catch you. I'm gonna have you make a dexterity save. 

[Dice rolls]

Kaitlin: Okay… That is—oh! [Gasps] Wait, I still have… I cast my stealth thing a little while ago, didn't I?

Noel: Yeah, you did.

Kaitlin: Okay, so then I got...twenty, but not natural. Obviously. 

Kat: This is just not quite enough!

Kaitlin: Oh… 

Sophia: Kat...

Kat: With his big, black cloak, Marty is able to scoop you up into it. He wraps you up in his cloak and you can hear, just outside of this muffled, soft world that you are now encased in:

Unnamed Guard: Ah, just open the grate and send it back out! 

Marty: It's cold out there. 

Kat: That's Marty talking.

Marty: Oh, poor ol' fellow just landed on the grate 'cause it's warm. Look at 'im! He's a runt!

[Corbin squawks indignantly]

Kaitlin: I make that exact noise. 

Marty: Probably got shut out when we closed up the aviary for the storm. 

Kat: And you can feel yourself moving as you're being taken...you think, maybe down the stairs, from the jostling that you're feeling.

Kaitlin: Can I try and claw my way out of his cloak with my talons?

Kat: Sure. Make a strength save, but you're making a strength save as a crow, so...

Kaitlin: Okay.

[Dice rolls]

Kaitlin: Well, I rolled a ten...

Kat: No, not even close. As you're struggling, Marty wraps the cloak a little bit tighter around you so that you're swaddled, like a little baby, and you can't move your wings or talons anymore.

Kaitlin: [Groans] Oh… I snap my beak.

Unnamed Guard: Aw, Marty, where're you goin'? Aw, Martyyy!

Kat: You hear that voice fading as you're carried like this for a little bit. And when the cloak is finally unwrapped enough for you to stick your head out and get a look around, Marty has you cradled under one arm as he is rummaging through a little bag in what looks like a kitchen. And he takes out a piece of jerky and he holds it up to your beak. 

Sophia: Aww...

Kaitlin: I eye it with suspicion...

[Noel laughs]

Kaitlin: I turn my beak away. 

Marty: Aw, c'mon, guy. I know you're hungry. 

Kaitlin: I just start doin' the waka thing that that one crow does. 

Kat: Marty tears off a smaller piece of the jerky and he holds it a little closer to your beak.

Marty: They're probably eaten their dinner already; there's probably nothin' left for you. Just eat the jerky!

Kaitlin: I...turn my beak away again. 

[‘let’s go’ — Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Kat: So after a little while of this, he eventually gives up and he pockets the jerky that he was trying to feed you. He carries you out of the kitchen and you can get a little bit of a look around now, 'cause he hasn't covered your head up again. He walks into a hallway made of black stone, which he proceeds down—not very far, it's maybe...twenty-five feet down the hallway—to another door. This one is heavy and metal, and he undoes the latch on this side so that he is able to open it up. 

And inside is a large cavernous room and a deafening cacophony of those birds from before. Inside this room there are tons of those black birds that you saw circling above as you walked over the mountain. Getting a little bit of a closer look at them now, you can see that their feathers are very small and almost scale-like. Their screech—it doesn't sound like a caw and they don't really seem to be crows or hawks or any kind of bird you've seen. 

Noel: Can Corbin understand what they're saying, approximately?

Kat: Just:

Black birds: Find! Kill! Find! Find! Kill!

Noel: [Laughing] Oh, good. 

Kat: At the top of this room, you can see that there are shutters, which have been closed. And otherwise, there are perches and little holes in the wall where these birds, they're nesting or sleeping or fighting—a lot of them are fighting. And Marty puts you down on a perch near the doorway and he leaves a little pile of jerky bits for you. 

Marty: The others are gonna try and eat these, so you should probably eat 'em first. [Sighs] Hope the storm lets out… Y'all're makin' such a racket in here. You better hope the boss doesn't come back! 

Kat: So, Marty gives you a little pat on the top of your head and then he leaves the room and shuts the door behind him. 

Kaitlin: Okay...

Sophia: Wait, are the other birds paying any attention to him?

Kat: Not at this point, no.

Sophia: [Intrigued] Oooh!

Kat: They seem to either think he's one of them or they just haven't noticed him yet. But, we're gonna leave Corbin there for now. 

[Sophia laughs]

Kaitlin: Cool, cool, cool...

Kat: And now we're back to Fran and Laika and the Goddess, where you guys are in Leomund’s Tiny Hut still on the cliffside, waiting for Corbin to come back from the scouting mission. 

Noel: [Sighs] Okay, well, we would assume that he would be back within ten minutes 'cause he was just supposed to fly over. So, I would assume that would only take us maybe a half hour to be like 'something's definitely wrong!'

Sophia: Yeah, I think so too.

Kat: Mm-hmm. Maeri signs to you guys:

Maeri: What… should we do? Should we... go after him?

Noel: Um, okay, well I take out the compass and open it up and say:

Fran: Corbin's wing.

Kat: The compass just spins. 

Sophia: It's not an object...

Fran: Corbin's feather!

Kat: The compass stops; it points in a direction, toward the grate of Torva's Jaw. 

Fran: Great!

Noel: So, I guess then we have to decide if we're gonna wait and try and regain our spell slots before we go… 

Kat: So, Maeri holds up a hand, which is her way of signalling 'I want to speak!'

Maeri: We won't do Corbin any good going in there at half-strength. I think we should rest. 

Fran: [Distressed groan] Corby's out there all by himself! 

Maeri: Did you just call him 'Corby'?

Fran: [Defensive] No!

[Laughter]

Fran: I'm— Okay...! He's... just, maybe… On the other hand, maybe it wasn't Torva. Maybe...? It— waaas Burger-Jerger! And Corbin is... just having a great time somewhere! And he's busy! 

Laika: This place is called Torva's Jaw. It's probably pretty bad. 

Fran: [Mockingly] I think it's called Torva's Jaw, okay!

Laika: I think we need to go now. 

Fran: [Sighs] Well... I don't know.

Noel: What does the compound look like, will you describe it again?

Kat: It's the three black peaks of Torva's Jaw, arranged in a triangle and then in the center is the grate. 

Noel: Okay, and then there's nothing else above the ground that we can see?

Kat: No. 

Noel: Okay. 

Fran: We're gonna have to be smart about this. Obviously, something happened to Corbin, so there's something around here that we can't see that's a threat. 

Laika: Probably Torva. 

Fran: That's a good guess! We've only been waiting for half an hour, if we can even wait another half-hour we'll regain a little bit more strength.

Laika: Why don't you wait a half-hour and rest, and Gingie and I will go and—

Fran: —Mmhmm, and you'll go and get captured and disappear into Torva's Jaw! Great plan, Laika!

Laika: You can see me. I'm just gonna go walk around the grate and come back.

Fran: Yeah! It'll just be like a really routine scouting mission… It'll take like maybe... [yells sarcastically] ten minutes?! 

Laika: Gingie can go check it out without me.

Fran: I'm fine with that. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: All right, I look to the Goddess.

Kat: The Goddess nods. She's okay with that too. 

Sophia: All right. 

Kat: So, you send Gingie out and she is trembling... in every limb as she heads out into the cold. She makes her way over to the grate and noses around for a little bit, and she comes bounding back with a black feather in her mouth.

Kaitlin: Are you telling me that Gingie was smart enough to not step on the grate, but I was not?

Kat: Yeah. 

[Laughter]

[Kaitlin groans]

Noel: Gingie's a smart girl. 

Kaitlin: Never!

Sophia: She's a pretty cool wolf.

Noel: Fran points with huge eyes at the feather and looks at Laika and the Goddess. 

Sophia: Laika points at Fran.

Fran: You think I did this?!

[Laughter]

Kat: The Goddess signs:

Maeri: Well, now we know what the compass was pointing at. 

Fran: Oh...

Laika: So, Corbin's probably being brutally mur—

Fran: [Yells] Murdered!

Laika: ...Right now.

Kat: Maeri chimes in and signs:

Maeri: We don't know that! He... might just be being tortured!

Fran: Good point. [Groans] Oookay! We just need to wait for, like, ten more minutes!

Sophia: While they're waiting, Laika's getting impatient, so she's pacing around the tent and getting ready. 

Noel: Fran is also pacing. And I would assume that we're bumping into each other 'cause it's not very big. 

Sophia: Yes.

Kat: Maeri is sitting directly in the center of the room, with her hand folded in her lap and just nervously messing with the fabric on her cape. 

Noel: All right, as soon as it's been an hour, I'm like:

Fran: Okay, rest done! Strength back! Let's go!

Noel: And I take down the hut, and I say:

Fran: Gingie, where did you find that?

Kat: So, Gingie takes you guys back to the edge of the grate, where there are a couple of black feathers that came off of Corbin as he was trapped.

Laika: So, this looks like an entrance to a dungeon. 

Fran: Yup.

Kat: Why don't you roll investigation on the grate?

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Oh, natural twenty!

Noel: Well! I got thirteen for investigation.

Sophia: We're also gonna be quiet too while we do this...

Kat: Oh, well, why don't we make stealth rolls?

Sophia: Okay...

[Dice rolls]

Noel: Nineteen. 

Sophia: I got eight for stealth.

Kat: Okay, all right. Laika, you immediately notice the hinges on either side and you can see that it falls inward. You can see the spiral staircase heading down this large, cylindrical cistern and at the bottom of those stairs there's a lever. 

Sophia: I just want to look around and see if there's any other sign of another entrance nearby.

Kat: Okay, I'll use your same roll. There isn't. There's no other entrance nearby. 

Sophia: So... I would pull Fran and the Goddess away, and just say:

Laika: So, what's our plan? Are we gonna go in?

Kat: Maeri signs:

Maeri: If that's the only way in that's the way we need to go in. How do we pull the lever? That must be what opens the grate, right?

Fran: I think that somebody needs to become a human fart. 

[Giggles]

Laika: That's not a bad idea… I don't volunteer. 

[Laughter]

Fran: Yeah, I'll do it, that's fine. 

Noel: I cast Gaseous Form on myself and I dissolve into a cloud.

Kat: Okay. Do you just go down to the bottom of the cistern? Can you manipulate things as a gaseous cloud?

Noel: I sure can't, but I'm probably gonna look around a little bit first. 

Kat: Okay, sure. 

Noel: I go down there, and what do I see? Are there tunnels going different directions?

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: There is one hallway headed straight ahead of you from the bottom of the staircase. And you can see that there is a room beyond it. 

Noel: [Hums] Okay, well, I'm gonna go...

Kat: Okay. To—

Noel: [Emphatically] And I'm gonna stay on the floor and go towards a corner!

Kat: Okay, okay. So you stay out of the way?

Noel: Yeah.

Kat: What you see when you get to the doorway is not a maniacal lair. You don't see traps. You don't see monsters. You see a war room. There are soldiers walking everywhere. There are people in uniforms carrying books and clipboards. Ahead of you there is an obsidian throne, with a golden sword sticking out of the back. And in front of that there is a map of the world, with broken tower tokens scattered across it. 

Sophia: What are they… What are they… What are they wearing?

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

[Laughter]

Sophia: But, like, are they dressed in Torva...?

Kat: Yeah, so, all of the soldiers that walk past and... as you're looking at them, I say soldiers but they're not the fighting soldiers, for lack of a better word. These are administrators of war. 

Noel: Like officers?

Kat: Well, there's officers. There's... what look like maybe scribes or privates. They're all wearing black and dark purple tabards over black shirts and pants and boots. And the tabards all have a black broken tower emblazoned on the front and back.

Sophia: Are they mostly human?

Kat: Mostly, yes. It's mostly human; a large portion of elves.

Noel: Do I hear people talking about...things?

Kat: Yeah. Roll a perception check.

[Dice rolls]

Noel: That’s a fourteen. 

Kat: Okay. So, you see one guard who is standing on the opposite side of this archway. He is muttering to himself. He’s saying:

Unnamed Guard: Agh, damn Marty. Where’d he go? Fucker’s probably skipping out on me! Savin’ a baby bird, my ass…

Noel: Oh… I am like [Intensely] ‘Hmm!’

Kat: That’s all you hear, though. You can’t make out any other conversations. 

Noel: Do I see any vents or pipes? 

Kat: No. There’s no other openings. There are hallways in the middle of the room that are going left and right, and there’s one hallway much closer to the staircase that is going off to the left. And there is a small door to the right of the throne.

Noel: Okay, and how far is it to that door? 

Kat: It’s on the—all the way to the opposite side of this very long hall. It’s a good  hundred feet. 

Noel: Is there stuff in my way?

Kat: There is definitely stuff in your way. There are columns all up and down the room and there’s also people walking everywhere.

Noel: How high is this ceiling?

Kat: It’s a cavernous ceiling. Probably two-hundred feet above you.

Noel: So is it maybe, like, in one of the peaks?

Kat: It might be. 

Noel: So, I’mma try and fly up towards the ceiling.

Kat: Okay.

Noel: Taking the least noticeable route, which I think would just be going up against the wall. 

Kat: Yeah. Make a stealth roll.

[Dice roll]

Noel: So that is...twenty, but not natural. 

Kat: Okay, no one notices you. 

Noel: Then I’m just gonna go along the ceiling and go to the other side of the room. Try to go to the door.

Kat: By the throne?

Noel: Yeah. 

Kat: Can you move through, like, cracks in a door? That seems like you should…

Noel: Yeah, I can.

Kat: Hell yeah. Okay. Yeah, so you are definitely able to. I’m just gonna carry your stealth roll over. 

Noel: Yeah, okay!

Kat: ...How dare you. That is way out of order!

[Laughter]

Kat: Just scroll down the…

Noel: It’s by the throne, so I knew that it had to have the good stuff!

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: All right. Inside of this room, the walls are lined with tall, heavy bookshelves. There’s a black wooden desk a little ways away from that. You can feel cold air coming from the bookcase behind this desk. 

Noel: Oh, god! How long is it taking me to get here? Seems like it would be like five minutes.

Kat: Yeah, not that long. 

[‘lil spooky ice bells’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Noel: Okay. So, yeah, I’m gonna go to the bookcase. Can I go in it, or under it, or something?

Kat: Yeah, You’re able to get through a crack and there’s a stairway going downward. 

Noel: Okay…. [Laughs nervously] I feel like I should do it… I didn’t want to… 

Sophia: How long does your spell last? 

Noel: It lasts for an hour. That’s why I asked how long it took for me to get…

Sophia: Yeah! Yeah! Go do it!

Kat: So you head down this staircase, and it goes for quite a while. Especially with the speed you’re going, it takes you a good fifteen minutes to get down there.

Noel: If it’s gonna take fifteen minutes I probably am not gonna do it!

Kat: Oh, okay, yeah. It’s a long stairway down.

Noel: Okay… All right, well, Torva’s probably down there. Imma go back up!

[Laughter]

Kat: Laika, you and the Goddess are nervously pacing around the edge. 

Sophia: I was gonna say, I feel like at this point we would, like, hide somewhere and wait for you to come back.

Kat: Meanwhile, Corbin, the — I’m just gonna call them by their name. They’re called blotter birds. So the blotter birds have begun advancing on your pile of jerky scraps.

Kaitlin: Yeah, I’m not gonna fight ‘em for it, so…

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: I back away. I let them have it. 

Kat: Okay, well, they eat it. Then they fight each other for it.

Kaitlin: [Scoff-laughs] Are there perches and things in here? You said there were nests, right?

Kat: Yes, there’s perches and there’s holes in the wall where there are birds making their nests. 

Kaitlin: Can I just stay on the floor? Is there a area of the floor that’s not crowded or that inconspicuous, basically? 

Kat: Yeah, I mean, they’re not on the floor. They’re all up on the perches and the little holes. You don’t wanna be down there, there’s a lot of bird poop. 

Kaitlin: I stay down here and I keep an eye out for the poop. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Okay. [To Noel] Is there anywhere else you wanna look around at as a human fart?

Noel: I’m gonna go back to the main room and I’m gonna go down the hallway near the entrance stairs first. Since that’s the closest to where I heard the guy complaining about Marty, I believe? And I will just pray that I see a sign of Corbin! 

Kat: There is a door at the end of the hall, and there is a door to your right.

Noel: I dont… I will... go to the one at the end of the hall.

Kat: You slip through a crack of this door and you are immediately met by a cacophony of cawing and screeching... 

Noel: Oookay, okay…

Kat: ... as you have found the aviary.

Noel: Hmm…

Kat: And this is where Corbin is! Corbin, you don’t see her ‘cause she’s a fart, but—

Noel: Yeah, I’m currently a fart.

Kaitlin: I smell something real nasty, though…

Noel: Well, okay. Do I see Corbin, ‘cause he’s near the entrance, right?

Kat: Make a perception check. 

Noel: Yeah, okay.

Kat: See if you can differentiate him.

[Dice roll]

Noel: No.

[Laughs]

Kat: No, you cannot make out Corbin from this crowd of black birds.

Noel: Okay. But I’m gonna assume that I would probably assume he’s there, since I heard that.

Kaitlin: Can I do a perception check—not to find Fran, but I feel like Corbin would also be trying to find a way out of the aviary.

[Dice rolls]

Kat: All right. 

Kaitlin: Fourteen. 

Kat: Okay, so the only two entrances that you can see, or exits as the case is, is the door that you were brought in through and the shutters up at the top of the aviary. These are heavy, metal shutters which have been pulled down, and you can feel the cold and you can see a little bit of snow coming through the edges. That looks to be the main way out of here. At least that the birds use. 

Noel: Would I also notice that?

Kat: Yes. 

Noel: All right. Well then, I’m gonna go back to the grate, where... Laika and the Goddess are no longer waiting for me. I’m gonna come out and fly around ‘til I find you guys. 

Kat: Okay, I’m gonna have you make one more perception check, while you’re flyin’ around up there.

[Dice rolls]

Noel: Eighteen.

Kat: Okay, now that you know kind-of what to look for, you can see the snow-covered area where those shutters are for the aviary. They’re at the top of the left-most peak. 

Noel: Yeah, then I’m gonna go find Laika and the Goddess if I can.

Kat: Okay, yeah, they’re— I mean, they’re not super well hidden.

Noel: So then I turn back into a genasi and I’m like:

Fran: I didn’t pull the lever!

[Laughter]

Kat: The Goddess signs:

Maeri: What did you find?

Fran: A lot! Okay... so... I think there’s entrances into this place at the tops of these peaks. Specifically, there’s one where they keep those horrible birds that attacked us. And when I was in there, I overheard some weird guy mumbling about how his friend had rescued a baby bird, so… I can only assume that that means Corbin’s in that room, with the horrible birds! I didn’t see him in there, but…

Noel: Also, I tell them the rest of everything I saw.

Kat: Okay.

Laika: So...did you say cool, golden sword on a throne...?

Fran: Laika, focus!

[Laughter]

Laika: Anyway! Corbin—um…

Kat: The Goddess signs:

Maeri: Can we open those shutters from the outside?

Laika: If we open those shutters… Those were the birds that were scouting for us, so… If we’re looking for Corbin in there, they might alert the guards to our presence as soon as we get in. 

Fran: Great point, great point. So I think we know there’s shutters over the birds. We know that they might come out, We have Maeri, who can make real loud noises…

Laika: What if we could lure them out with an illusion?

Fran: A diversion! 

Laika: Yeah!

Sophia: I high-five Fran.

Kaitlin: Hey, you guys, side note—I’ve been waiting for twenty years for one of you guys to decide to use the bird as a diversion.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: Twenty years over here!

Sophia: Did you hear something?

Noel: I don’t know! I think I heard somebody complaining on the wind! Sounded annoying… 

[More giggles]

Noel: So, I’m trying to think what’s the best way to do this… 

Laika: Oh, I can make a loud noise too, with my Thaumaturgy.

Noel: What I’m thinking, though, is we make the Goddess cause a avalanche, though. 

Sophia: Oooh, that’s a great idea! 

Noel: Let’s combine our ideas… 

Fran: Okay! So! We need the avalanche. Maeri, we need the avalanche. You can maybe help? You gotta figure that out? 

Sophia: I just realised—

Fran: We need a loud noise, and we need... an illusion of… What should I make an illusion of?

Kat: Maeri signs:

Maeri: What about another god? What about Wivvil? We know what he looked like... looks like.

Fran: That’s a good idea, Maeri. So, Laika, I need you to do your best impression of Wivvil and shout that!

Sophia: Could we go over there and find somewhere to hide and then set this up?

Noel: Yeah. Maybe we can bury ourselves in the snow?

Sophia: Yeah! That’s a great idea! 

Noel: Okay!

Kat: Okay, so you guys are gonna climb to the top of that peak, where the shutters are?

Sophia: I tell Gingie to stay behind, and I tell her to wait for us there. 

Kat: Okay. She digs in, curls up. 

Sophia: I blow her a kiss!

Noel: Yes, we’re gonna climb to the top of the peak... fifteen feet away from the shutters, at least. 

Kat: Okay. 

Noel: All right, and then I’ll cover us up. And—

Sophia: As soon as we’re covered I use Thaumaturgy and I say:

Laika: [Badly imitating Wivvil] Torva, you fool! Show yourself! It’s me, Wivvil! 

[‘juMP ON IN’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

[Laughter]

Noel: [Laughing] ‘It’s me, Wivvil’—Okay! And then I hold Maeri’s hand and I use Shape Water as, kind of as far down the mountain as I can see, on the other side of the peak away from us to start an avalanche.

Kat: Okay, you feel a huge surge of power, and it feels very controlled in a way that it hasn’t before.

Sophia: Whoa!

Kat: And you start an avalanche. It begins rumbling down the mountain and two guards come out from the grate. They’re looking around and suddenly they see this avalanche that started and they run back inside. A few minutes later, the shutters are flung open and hundreds of these black birds come pouring out past you.

Noel: ‘Kay, I’m gonna create—around where the avalanche was—I’m gonna create an illusion of Wivvil coming out of the snow... and then, like, jumping into the avalanche to slide away. 

Kat: Right. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: Is he surfing?!

Noel: Yeah!

Kaitlin: Is he, kind of, surfing down the avalanche? Like, snowboarding down it…

Noel: Yes, yes. 

Kaitlin: ... Like, SSX 3 style?

Noel: Yes!

Sophia: Does he look really cool?

Noel: He looks...bombastic. 

[Laughter]

Sophia: Does he have long, beachy hair?

Noel: No. He has— 

Kat: He’s bald. Wivvil is bald. 

Noel: He’s bald. 

[Sophia laughs]

Kaitlin: What does his snowboard look like? 

Noel: He doesn’t have a snowboard!

Kat: It’s a magic snowboard.

Noel: He’s like Jesus.

Kat: Walking on snow. Okay— 

Sophia: A miracle! Nobody could do it!

Kat: The blotter birds... they... fly after the illusion. Corbin, from your perspective, the shutters have just been thrown open suddenly as a guard ran into the room and pulled a lever on the wall, and all of the birds flew out. It is still snowing outside, so a huge gust of wind and snow blows in and chills you to your little birdy bones, Corbin. 

Kaitlin: Oh… I fly out with the other birds. I—I don’t go in their mass, but I fly after them, like I’m a little runt tryin’ to keep up with my adult friends. 

Noel: All right, we need to go in now, though, ‘cause a bunch of people just left. 

Kat: Yup.

Sophia: Yeah. 

Kaitlin: Do I see them? 

Noel: I think— As soon as the birds are even a little bit not paying attention to us and far away, we come out of the snow. 

Sophia: Yeah. 

Kat: Okay, yeah. Corbin, you can seem ‘em once they come out of the snow; they’re not trying to hide. 

Kaitlin: Okay, I— 

Noel: And we’re like, [intensely] ‘Back into hell boy!’

[‘juMP ON IN’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

[Laughter]

Kat: Okay so, Corbin, as you fly out after these blotter birds—because you’re trailing behind them, you see Fran and Laika and Maeri pop out of the snow. Do you fly—They are on the side of the mountain, just below where the shutters were. Do you fly down to them?

Kaitlin: Hells yeah.

Kat: Hells yeah. Okay.

Kaitlin: Yeah, I go right for ‘em. 

Kat: Do you turn back into a human? 

Kaitlin: At the very last second, I launch at them in human form! 

Kat: Aw… Maeri tries to catch you in a hug, but is bowled over immediately. 

Kaitlin: Aw… 

Corbin: Thanks, Maeri!

Noel: Fran jumps onto them and shouts into your ear:

Fran: I’m so happy you’re safe but we need to go back into danger!

Kaitlin: [Laughing] I start to cry. 

Sophia: Laika tries to pick all of them up in a group hug. 

Kat: Please make a roll for hugging. 

Kaitlin: All of us?!

[Dice rolls]

Kat: No, no. Just Laika.

Sophia: ...What’s my modifier on that?

Kat: It’s your strength modifier. 

Sophia: Okay. That’s a...sixteen! 

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) begins playing]

Kat: You are able to pick them up in a group hug. 

Noel: Oh, my god.

Sophia: And then I say, ‘Cast Feather Fall!’ and then I jump us all into the shutters!

[Laughter]

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) plays, fades into interlude]

Noel: And then, last of all, here is a message to Chantel.

Sophia: The code word is ‘Lin’. Kayla Lin.

Noel: Go, go, go!

Sophia: The agent…. is... active… What does Kat say? [Intensely] The agent is going…! 

Noel: She went!

Sophia: She’s gone!

[‘Guardians Theme (Into Avelis)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) (interlude music) plays, fades to episode]

Noel: So, we Feather Fall in. Is that guy still down there?

Kat: No, he’s run out. So, now you are now alone in the aviary.

Noel: Fran is shaking. [Laughs] Okay… She grabs Corbin by the shoulders and says:

Fran: [Frantically] What did they do to you?! What did you do last night?! What’s going on?!

Corbin: Um… I barfed. And they didn’t do anything, actually… ‘Cause I was very smart. 

Fran: Are you sure you barfed?!

Corbin: Yeah! I fucking barfed! Out of fear!

Fran: It’s Corbin!

Noel: And I hug him. 

[Laughter]

Laika: Corbin, can you cast that stealth spell on us again?

Corbin: Yes. 

Kaitlin: So, I cast Pass Without A Trace on all of us. 

Noel: Okay.

Kat: All right. Do you guys leave the room? What are you doin’?

Noel: [Sighing] Yeah… Hold on, I wanna peak out and look at the door. 

Kat: Okay. It looks like there’s a flurry of activity towards that main entranceway. There’s nobody in the hallway that this door leads to.

Noel: What is the door that I am opening? If I crane my head and look around… I look at this door, I can see what it looks like. It looks great. I make an illusion of this hallway, at the end of the thing, so that it looks empty to the people running by.

Kat: Very nice. I like it. Take a point of inspiration for that. 

Noel: [Makes some sort of dolphin noise] Aaaaaah!

Sophia & Kaitlin: Yaaay!

Kat: I’m trying to remember to give you guys inspiration points. 

Noel: I forgot about those!

Kat: Yeah, me too. 

Kaitlin: Do you guys tell me that you were in here?

Sophia: I think we would. 

Noel: Well, let’s go out of this room and be in the hallway and [whispering] very quietly fill Corbin in as much as we can, very briefly. [At a normal volume] And… I’m gonna ask:

Fran: Maeri, do you have any protection spells you can cast on us before we go?

Kat: Great question. Maeri signs to you guys:

Maeri: I don’t have anything that will last long-term. It would be better if I wait until we need it. 

Fran: Okay. You bring that Estra-protecting goodness, my goddess Maeri!

Kat: She...nods. 

Fran: We’re smaller than an island! S’not as much energy! Look into my eyes! 

Kat: She looks into your eyes and nods, but she looks a little unsure of herself. 

Fran: [Intensely] You’re gonna do this, Maeri!

Corbin: I believe in you, Maeri…

Kat: She continues to nod. Okay, okay. As you guys are at the end of this hallway—

[‘playing with peril’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kat: —you feel like the air in the room is suddenly sucked toward that main entrance way. And then, stepping out of this shimmer in the air... is Torva. You are now confronted by Torva’s chosen form. He stands about seven feet tall, with skin the color of polished bronze and golden hair that is swept away from his face. He’s quite handsome, but in this way that a sword is handsome—dangerous. 

Torva’s wearing a black uniform with a purple half-cape and shiny silver buttons that go up to his neck. He’s followed closely by a high elf woman, who’s walking just a few steps behind him. The woman is wearing a black and purple dress, and a cylindrical headdress with a long veil that extends from the top and down her back. It takes you a minute, ‘cause you haven’t really ever seen her face more than just glimpses, but you realize that... it’s Cecilia. 

[‘playing with peril’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Noel: Hmm…

Kat: Reroll your stealth. 

[Dice rolls]

Sophia: I got twenty. 

Noel: I got over twenty.

Kat: How much over twenty?

Noel: Just, like, one… I got twenty-one. 

Kat: Twenty-one. Okay. 

Kaitlin: I got twenty-six. 

Kat: Okay… Okay! As Torva and Cecilia are walking past this hallway, Cecilia looks down and she looks directly at you guys behind the illusion, but she doesn’t say anything. 

[Sophia gasps]

Kat: In fact, she gives an almost imperceptible shake of her head. 

Torva: Status report!

Kat: Torva booms this, and people just flood to him. One officer comes up next to him and says:

Unnamed Officer: We have troops in position. They’ve dug in on the north face and will be ready to mobilize on your command. 

Torva: Give the order. 

Kat: Another agent comes up next to him, on his other side:

Unnamed Agent: Our operations in Ilfra, Danmar and Madria are proceeding according to plan. 

Torva: Excellent. Do the Gray Manacle know of our involvement? 

Unnamed Agent: No, sir. Although, your daughter’s involvement with her Gray Manacle contact has proven problematic. 

Torva: Tell my daughter if she sees that rat-faced half-elf again, I will personally remove his skin from his flesh. 

Unnamed Agent: ... Yes, sir. 

Torva: And where’s Falen?! 

Unnamed Agent: He’s still out in The Red Fields, sir. Scouts found another piece of the island crashed there. Our calculations on the blast radius must have been off— 

Torva: I don’t care. Tell him to come find me.

Unnamed Agent: Yes, sir! Where— 

Kat: Before the poor officer can finish her question, the air is sucked through again and Torva steps through. Cecilia follows as closely behind him. 

Noel: And he disappears?

Kat: Yeah. 

Sophia: [Wheezing] Whaaaaat?!

[Kaitlin makes a sound like they’re being electrocuted]

Noel: ... Whoa…!

Sophia: ... So much information!!

[Kaitlin wheezes]

Noel: [Takes a deep breath] Okay….

Kaitlin: [Laughs]

Sophia: Whaaaaat?!

Noel: [High pitched] Huuuuuh?!

Kaitlin & Sophia: [High pitched and harmonizing] Huuuuugh?!

[Kaitlin gurgles weakly]

Noel: ... Okay. Um… All right… And... what are the rest of the guards doing now?

Kat: Oh, they’re all sort of scurrying around now. People have lept to action—where they were walking before, now they're running. Someone you hear, as they pass by, they say:

Unnamed Someone: Should we tell him about the, uh, disturbance outside…?

Kat: And the other one says:

Unnamed Other One: Absolutely not! If we can contain that threat before he finds out, then that will be better for us!

Sophia: Hmm, useful!

Noel: Yes, I think— Hold on, I have Disguise Self. 

Corbin: Yeah, like impersonate officers, right? Star Wars style? Stormtroopers?

Noel: I got a bad feeling about this. 

Kaitlin: [Laughs] Heh heh heh…

Sophia: We’re all fine here!

Kaitlin: I’m a little short for a Torva army man!

[Laughter]

Sophia: [While laughing] I hate how you say…

Noel: [While laughing] I can’t live like this, okay!

Sophia: ... Maybe have the Goddess put her hand on you while you’re trying to disguise yourself. 

Noel: Oh, like—Yeah, okay. I am going to...disguise myself into a... tall, beautiful soldier. 

[Laughter]

Noel: And... I look a little like Falen, but not exactly like him.

Kat: Okay.

Noel: People wouldn’t mistake me for him, but like, he looks good, like…

Kat: Right, okay, so… 

Noel: I’m gonna, yeah—I’ll hold out my hand to Maeri and say:

Fran: All right, I’m gonna disguise myself into one of the soldiers. Can you see if you can multiply the effect and maybe have us turn into different things? And I’m thinking, I want us to look like different soldiers! 

[Laughter]

Kat: Okay. Well, let’s see what she can do…

Noel: And if I can’t make us different, that’s okay, as long as our clothes look different.

[Dice rolls]

Kat: ... Natural twenty.

Noel: Whoa! Maeri!

[Kaitlin gasps]

Kat: Yup! So, she squeezes your hand and uniforms materialize on Corbin, Laika and herself. While she isn’t able to alter their faces too much, you are all now disguised as soldiers of Torva. 

Noel: Do I look like Falen?

Kat: You, because you were directing it, you are able to shape your own face into looking like Falen.

Noel: Yes!

Kat: Which is probably the most important because you are... you stand out like a blue thumb.

Noel: Yes, exactly, like, the rest of them could conceivably maybe exist… Laika’s not great, but…

Sophia: Can I cover my head? Was anyone wearing a mask or helmet at all? 

Kat: You guys didn’t see it, but Marty was wearing a cloak. 

Sophia: Can I use my hair to braid around my horns, so it covers them and I look like I have a really elaborate…?

[Kaitlin makes a horrible gasping sound]

Noel: You’re still red!

Sophia: That’s fine! No one will notice that! I’m gonna do my hair quick.

Kat: Okay. The Goddess helps you do your hair. 

Sophia: All right. And I’m just gonna say I have a bad sunburn. 

Kat: [Laughing weakly] Okay…

Corbin: Fran, do you wanna help me do my hair…?

Noel: Fran pushes your face away. As if she’s helping but she just kinda pushes you towards the wall. 

Kaitlin: That’s fair. 

Noel: All right. We are now disguised… Are people walking in units or are they just running around willy-nilly?

Kat: It looks like most of the people in ones and twos, maybe a couple three's— It doesn’t seem there’s much pattern.

Noel: Okay, all right, so we can just basically go.

Kat: Yeah. You can just go.

Noel: [Takes a deep breath] Oookay. So then, I’m going to wait ‘till there’s not anybody walking in front of us and then vanish my illusion that I have in front of the—

Kat: Oh, yeah, yeah. The wall illusion. 

Noel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 

Sophia: Is there anything that the soldiers are saying to each other? Like a ‘Flameo, my good hotman’?

Kat: No. Actually, since Torva came and left, they haven’t been really speaking much at all to each other. They’re all, sort of, in terrified silence. 

Noel: Oh, same! Perfect!

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: We’ll fit right in!

Sophia: Yeah! Nobody feels like they belong here!

[More giggles]

Noel: …What are we looking for, exactly? We’re looking for... the Vessel?

Kat: You’re looking for the cloak to hide the Goddess and you’re looking for the Vessel of Vioni. 

Noel: So I know there’s a secret entrance… That’s probably where Torva would hide things.

Sophia: Did we want to get uniforms, or do we just want to go?

Noel: I mean, we can just go, but like, if it takes us longer than an hour, this will run out.

Sophia: We should probably get real uniforms, then. 

Noel: Yeah. Wait. Is there—There’s another door in this hallway, isn’t there?

Kat: Yeah. 

Noel: We should go down that door first. 

Kat: Okay. Inside this door, there is a large kitchen with several fireplaces that have pots of food hanging over them. There is nobody in here at the moment, although it looks like there is food cooking for tomorrow morning’s meal.

Noel: And there’s no other entrance or exit?

Kat: There is. There’s another door at the opposite side of this room. 

Noel: All right, let’s look in there.

Kat: This looks like this is the galley. There are three long tables with benches at them. Then, at the front of the room, there is a raised platform with a smaller table with golden place settings and chairs cushioned in velvet. 

Sophia: Do those place settings look valuable?

Kat: They’re made of gold.

[Laughter]

Kaitlin: [With interest in their voice] Uuuuuh…!

Sophia: Laika looks at Corbin and is remembering her days of crime with Corbin, and then looks at the place settings. 

Kaitlin: Corbin’s doing the same thing. Corbin’s thinkin’ the same thoughts.

Noel: Is there anyone around…?

Kat: No, not at this moment. 

Noel: All right, I hold open the Bag of Holding. 

Kaitlin: We throw those on in! We dump ‘em all in!

Kat: Okay, okay. 

Sophia: Then I put my hand in the middle, so for you guys can join in on a... a crime. 

Noel: No, I don’t… I look around for another exit to this room, ‘cause I feel the barracks are close to the mess hall.

Sophia: I just high-five Corbin, then I say:

Laika: Crime!

Kaitlin: I say ‘crime’, too. 

[Laughter]

Kat: ... There is another exit out of this room. When you go down that way, it leads back to that—the main war room. 

Noel: Fuck!

Kat: There is a hallway directly across from you. The throne and the war table are to your left. Also, if you want to look—You’re a little bit closer now, so you can see a little more detail on that sword that’s embedded in the back of the throne. 

Noel: Okay.

Sophia: [Breathless] Yeah.

Kat: So, you can see from here that the golden sword embedded in the back of the throne, it looks like it’s pretty firmly in there. The stone—It’s not just inserted, the stone has been formed around it. There is a ruby embedded in the pommel of the sword and flames engraved in the blade. It does not look like it can be removed easily.

Sophia: Is it a great sword?

Kat: Yes. 

Sophia: Oh my fucking god I want that sword to bad!

Noel: I turn to Maeri and I’m like:

Fran: Does that look like something you would use to cut off Torva’s head?

Kat: Maeri shakes her head and then shrugs and signs:

Maeri: I don’t—I… No one ever told me what that sword looks like!

Laika: Does it look like the perfect sword for me?

Maeri: It looks like a sword?

Fran: It brings out your sunburn!

Laika: Thank you!

Sophia: ...We wanted to look at the war table too. 

Kat: Sure. There’s a little bit of a detour, but it’s—I mean, people are stopping to look at the war table, you know, and take notes or move pieces and things like that on there. 

Noel: I also take notes. 

Kat: Okay. 

Noel: I have parchment ‘n shit.

Kat: You just pull it out of your bag?

Noel: Yeah!

Kat: So, you take notes on what is there. I will... show you! Because I have this map!

Sophia: [High-pitched] Ooooh! Show meee!

[Noel gasps]

Kat: On the war table, there are broken tower tokens on the cities of Ilfra, Madria and Danmar. There’s also one in the Farah Mountains. From this map, you can finally see a good idea of the shape of this world and you realize, it’s not quite the same as maps you’ve seen before. I’m gonna have you guys roll intelligence checks.

[Dice rolls]

Sophia: Hmm! I’m dumb!

Noel: I got over twenty.

Kat: Okay. 

Kaitlin: I got also over twenty. 

Kat: Okay. Fran and Corbin, you guys remember that map you saw way back in Episode One, when— 

Noel: Ohh!

Kat: Yeah, the tapestry that you had to burn in order to move on in your trials. You’re looking at this map and you realize the continents aren’t shaped the same, and they all seem a little bit smaller than you remember.

Fran: Please let there be underwater cities! Please! Please!

Kaitlin: Global warming… Climate change…

Kat: There are also broken tower tokens on the other two continents; there are three continents in this world. And there are broken tower tokens on the other two continents. On the western continent, there are tokens on the cities of Galia, Kaier and Voi, as well as an unlabeled spot in the middle of the southern desert. And guys, since you got such great intelligence rolls before, you realize, looking at where that desert is... that matches up just about to where you remember the great forest was on that map in the beginning.

Noel: Hmm…

Kat: On the southern continent, there is a token on the Nweya Mountains and one on the city of Onya, as well as one on the unlabeled spot on the southern coast. 

Noel: So basically, what we’re finding out from this war table is places where Torva is secretly conquering things, probably, ‘cause that’s what they’ve talked about… So, then shall we…

[Dice roll sound]

Kat: Okay.

Noel: ...What?!

Kat: [Sounding mysterious and sing-songy] That was a mystery roll that will help us later!

Noel & Sophia: Oooooh…!

Kaitlin: Will it help us?

Kat: … It will help me!

Noel: Yeah, I was gonna say…

Kaitlin: [Laughing]  Okay…!

Noel: Kat’s saying ‘us’ like Smeagol… Let’s go meet our doom, I guess! There’s one more hallway we haven’t gone down, right?

Sophia: Let’s go down that hallway. 

Kat: Down this hallway there are three doors on your right, two doors on your left, and a door at the end of the hall. 

Noel: All right, let’s go through the nearest one. 

Kat: So the nearest one is on your right. 

Noel: Okay—

Sophia: [Confidently] That’s a-door-able…!

[Silence]

Kaitlin: Hm. 

Noel: ... Fran opens the door. 

[Giggles]

Kat: In this room there are approximately fifty beds, most of which are filled right now. 

Noel: Oh, the barracks. 

Sophia: How many people to a bed?

Kat: One person to a bed, about fifty beds in this room. 

Sophia: … Anybody spooning?

Kat: No one’s spooning. 

Sophia: Oh? Uh-huh.

Kat: Each bed has a foot locker at the end of it. I’m gonna have you make another set of perception checks.

[Dice rolls]

Noel: Oooh, natural twentay!

Kat: Oh, Fran got a natural twenty.

Sophia: I got a sixteen. 

Kat: Fran, you—your keen genasi ears.

[Noel grunts]

Kat: You hear a couple of people whispering in the darkness, and—

Sophia: ‘Does anyone know we’re spooning…?’

Unnamed Torva Guard 1: Is that… Is that Commander Bronca…? 

Unnamed Torva Guard 2: No, Commander Bronca is on the day shift now. Commander Hastis is on the night shift. 

Unnamed Torva Guard 1: Well, then, is it Commander Hastis?!

Noel: I say:

Fran: [Aggressively] Quiet!

Kat: ... And they stop talking. 

Noel: ‘Kay, let’s steal some stuff and leave!

Kaitlin: [Wheezing laughter] ‘Shut up, we’re gonna take your stuff!’

Sophia: ‘No spooning!’

Kaitlin: ‘Don’t fucking spoon each other!’

Sophia: ‘You better not be spooning in there!’

Kaitlin: Kat, does anyone in here want to be spooned?

Kat: You cannot tell. 

Kaitlin: Darn…

Noel: I…

Sophia: Hey, guys? What’s your greatest fear? ‘Cause mine is waking up to have a stranger spooning you in the dark, saying ‘I could tell you wanted to be spooned’!

[Laughter]

Kat: So what do you guys want to steal?

Sophia: Forks!

Noel: Let’s just get as many outfits as we can get from the nearest foot lockers. 

Kat: Are you just grabbing them indiscriminate of size…? 

Sophia: I have Dark Vision, so I can hold it up and guess-timate, if it’s approximately the size…

[Dice roll]

Kat: Okay. You open up the foot lockers and inside you find a uniform, a few personal belongings in each one—they differ between people—and a black book with a silver broken tower emblazoned on the front. 

Noel: Uh! I take the book! 

Kat: Okay!

Noel: So we got our uniforms?

Kat: Yep.

Noel: All right. We can just put them on over our… whatever we’re wearing.

Kat: There are two more doors on the right side of this hallway, two more doors on the left side of this hallway, and a door at the end of the hall.

Sophia: I wanna open the door…

Noel: Let’s Scooby-Do it and go look in all the doors. 

Kat: The doors on this right side of the hallway, both of those two doors lead to other barracks rooms. On the opposite side—which one do you want to go to first? The one closer to the war room or the one further from the war room?

Noel: Closer. 

Kat: Okay. This is an office. There are eight desks in here and only a couple of the desks have people at them. The people who are there… they look pretty young and they are all transcribing notes from one piece of paper to another. It appears to be a place where they transcribe field notes. 

Noel: Well… I feel like it’s not worth it to try and get information from here.

Sophia: Nope! I think we should keep on!

Noel: Yeah.

Kat: Okay. So the next room down the hallway is an armory. There are shelves of equipment, weapons, armor. However, it looks like the majority of the equipment that is stored in this room is currently in use. There doesn’t seem to be anything of value in here; it seems to all just be standard-issue equipment. 

Noel: Okay. There one more door?

Kat: Yes. This door is locked. 

Noel: Meh!

Kaitlin: I… ask you guys if you want me to turn into an ant and crawl through…

Sophia: Yup!

Kat: Go for it. 

Kaitlin: All right, I’m gonna do it!

[Laughter]

Kat: All right. So, Corbin, you turn into a tiny little ant. You crawl under the door and it is a much further distance as an ant than it was as a human. But it looks like beyond that door there are three more doors in a small hallway. 

Kaitlin: Do I see an actual lock on the door? Do you think that I can unlock—

Kat: Actually yeah. You see that there is a little latch that you can turn to unlock it. 

Noel: I think you should check the other two other doors first before you do that. 

Kaitlin: … How long will it take to…?!

Sophia: That would take a really long time as an ant, though!

Noel: Ants are fast!

Kaitlin: How long will it take, Kat? 

Kat: You could probably check one of the doors, and then at that point it would become suspicious for the other three to be standing out there for so long. 

Sophia: Yeah, I think you should unlock it. 

Noel: Well, you could check one!

Kaitlin: I’ll check one. 

Kat: Which one do you want to check? There’s two on the left side of you and one door on the right. 

Kaitlin: Okay, I do the one on the right. 

Kat: This room is elaborately decorated with lots of black cloth draped from the ceiling and across the canopy of a large bed. There’s a desk with many expensive knick-knacks—there’s a gold egg covered in jewels, a crystal mirror, a small sculpture of a rabbit made of silver and inlaid with gems. There is also a high elf man sleeping in the bed. 

Kaitlin: Oh, you guys, I really want to steal this shit!

Noel: You can’t, you’re an ant! Come back and unlock the door for us. 

Kaitlin: Okay… I go back and unlock the door. I am torn up. 

Sophia: So, can we check that door and see if it’s locked?

Kat: You mean the bedroom door? Yes, it is locked. 

Noel: Are they all locked?

Kat: One of them is unlocked. 

Noel: Okay, let’s peek in there and see what… we see. 

Kat: The unlocked room is a little bit smaller. It is very homey inside—much less elaborately decorated. There are a few small simple paintings hanging over the desk, which depict a human woman and two half-elf children. There is no one inside. 

Sophia: Can we search the room?

Kat: Sure. Roll investigation. 

[Dice roll]

Noel: I got over twenty for investigation. 

Kat: Alright Fran—she’s got it. 

Sophia: I got eighteen.

Kaitlin: I got nineteen. 

Kat: Fran—all of you, actually, rolled really well, so you start ransaking this room. There are some personal mementos, some letters from a human woman that—they are very romantic in nature to a Commander Hastis. You also find a set of keys. 

Noel: We’re gonna take the keys!

Kaitlin: Oh yeah. 

Noel: I think we’ll try—very quietly—different keys on the one that Corbin doesn’t know if there’s someone sleeping in. Though I assume maybe there is.

Kat: There’s about a dozen keys on this ring and it takes you a couple minutes to figure out which is the right one. You start to open the door and then you hear someone say:

Unnamed Room Occupant: Excuse me!

[‘could jokes be played over this’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Noel: And then I say:

Fran: Oh, sorry! You don’t need your room cleaned now?

Kat: A human man storms to the door and rips it open and says:

Room Occupant: What are you four doing here?!

Fran: [Stiffly] We’re the cleaning service! I’m so sorry, sir!

Noel: What do we see in the room?

[Laughter]

Kat: In the room beyond is very sparsely decorated. There’s a large bed and a desk similar to the other two rooms you’ve been in, but there is very little decoration in here. 

Laika: Forgive us, Commander. 

Commander: Idiots… I thought I told the cleaning service that I switched to the morning shift. Get out of my sight!

Kat: Then he slams the door in your face.

Noel: ‘Kay.

Sophia: Cool!

Kaitlin: All right. 

Sophia: I give Fran a thumbs up. We did it!

Noel: Fran is just still shaking. She’s like:

Fran: I hate this place so much! Okay! Do we need to go in the other room? We got the keys, though!

Corbin: [Desperately] Yes

Laika: [At the same time as Corbin] Yes.

Fran: [Weakly] Okay...

Kaitlin: We’re still stealthy. 

Sophia: Yeah, we’re still stealthy.

Kat: Okay, I’m gonna have you—If you’re gonna try and sneak into this man’s room while he’s sleeping, please make another set of stealth checks.

Sophia: That’s fine. We still have plus ten though. 

Kat: Yep!

[Dice rolls]

Kaitlin: I got twenty-three.

Sophia: Twenty.

Noel: I got twenty-one.

Kat: … And the Goddess still did not do very well!

[General clamor of distress and worry]

Kat: You four unlock the next door and the rattling of the keys… It’s a lot of noise and then you try to hand the keys to Maeri and she just drops ‘em. 

[Someone snorts in amusement]

Kaitlin: [High-pitched] Maeri…

Sophia: Laika just says:

Laika: Room service.

[Laughter]

Kat: There’s a very loud yawn and then an elven man with silvery white hair comes to the door. All he’s wearing is trousers. 

[‘could jokes be played over this’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Kaitlin: Is he hot?

Kat: Yeah, he’s really hot. 

Noel: [Breathless] Oh… Oh, okay…

Kaitlin: Damn…

[Sophia laughs]

Kat: He yawns as he opens the door and looks at the four of you and goes:

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: [Slurring] Yer not th’normal cleaning service…

Laika: We’re new!

Fran: There was a disturbance outside, so I think they went to...go help somebody.

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: [Yawns] Well...

Laika: Wivvil has attacked. 

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: ...What?!

[Laughter]

Laika: He— 

Sophia: [Laughing] Hold on…

Laika: He caused an avalanche outside.

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: ...What is wrong with your skin?

Laika: I have a sunburn.

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: That is quite a sunburn. Look, s—There’s… so… much time until I have to be awake right now, and do youuu—Look—

Kat: He reaches into his pocket and then he hands each of you a silver piece, and then he says:

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: Just… Just tell Commander Bronca that you did your job. [Yawns]

Kat: He turns around— 

Sophia: Wait! Before he does, I wanna try and charm him to get him to leave!

Kat: Okay, try and charm him. 

Laika: Commander Hastas is looking for you. 

Kat: Roll a persuasion check.

[Dice rolls]

Sophia: Sixteen!

Kat: N’aright. He stops shutting the door in your face and he opens it up again and he goes:

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: [Sighing for a long time] Ughhh! 

Kat: He turns and he shuts the door again. A minute later, he comes back with his uniform jacket draped over his shoulders, and he’s buttoning it up. He says:

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: Jus… Just do your thing… Make it—[Sighs] Listen, there’s some stains on the sheets… Don’t worry about those. 

Kaitlin: Uhh…

Fran: We’ll… make it… very neat. 

[Sophia laughs]

Kat: And he walks out past you.

Sophia: We walk on in! And I go straight for that damn egg!

Kaitlin: I will say that we probably should hurry it up after this, because I think that if he comes back and finds everything exactly the same but all his valuables gone, he’ll be very suspicious of us. 

Sophia: You know what, he just might—Also, he’s gonna go to Commander Hastas and be like, ‘Hey, what do you want?’ And then that guy’s gonna be like, ‘Nothing.’.

Kaitlin: ‘I didn’t ask for you!’.

Noel: I… look at the sheets. 

Kat: Oh—Ah. There are some… uh, white stains. 

Noel: Gross!

Sophia: Ew!

Kaitlin: Auuuuughhh!

[General clamor of disgust]

Kaitlin: Ohhh, that’s nasty, guy…

Noel: We leave. I just wanted to see if there were bloodstains, but we gotta go now!

[Laughter]

Sophia: That is gross! 

Noel: This guy’s good looking… something happened.

Kaitlin: No, I get it—

Kat: Let’s just say… he pulls. 

Sophia: He pulls what?

Noel: You know what. Let’s go. 

Kat: Where—Where do you wanna go?

Sophia: To that damn room!

Noel: It’s the only place we haven’t really gone, isn’t it? Unless— 

Kat: Yes, at this point, yeah. 

Noel: Okay, yeah, so we need—We’re gonna go to the room behind the throne. 

Kat: Okay… So you guys make your way to the room behind the throne and things seem to be calming down a bit. You hear people talking about how it looks like it was just a false alarm. The blotter birds must have thought they saw or heard something… And people are—It seems that they’ve investigated your distraction and found it was nothing. So you make your way to that door at the back of the room and it is locked. None of the keys that you have open it. 

Kaitlin: I had a feeling this would happen. 

Noel: Yeah.

Sophia: Is it just a normal lock?

Kat: It looks much smaller than a normal lock. 

Noel: We need to work quickly at this point because this is all gonna unravel soon. 

Sophia: Yes, we’re getting very close.

Kaitlin: Well, I was gonna say that none of us have lockpicking tools, do we? But then I realize— 

Noel: You do! You bought some!

Kat: Yeah, you have thieves’ tools. 

Kaitlin: But it would be so suspicious!

Noel: Yeah, it would be suspicious as fuck. 

Sophia: But! One of us could create a distraction.

Noel: Yes…

Kaitlin: That’s true… Why don’t you go juggle for ‘em?

Sophia: I could! 

Kaitlin: I have a spell that’s called Conjure Animals… So I could just conjure a bunch of animals.

Noel: That’s a great distraction! Yeah, you should do that! How far away from yourself can you do it?

Kaitlin: Sixty feet is the range. 

Sophia: So here’s what’s up. If none of us have proficiency, you could give me the thieves’ tools and I could do it while you’re doing this distraction still…

Kaitlin: Oh, yeah. Okay, I pick that. 

[‘adfkjsdkfjsdf’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Kaitlin: I cast Conjure Animals. So, I’m gonna—I can cast two beasts of a challenge rating one or lower, so I’m gonna cast a brown bear to appear—and he’s gonna be aimed at the hallway—and a—

[Kat snorts]

Kaitlin: —a giant eagle. I want him to appear with his—

Kat: ‘Aim your bear’! I’m sorry. 

Kaitlin: What?

Kat: [British gentleman voice] ‘Please, aim your bears!’

[Laughter]

Kat: [Loses British accent] ‘Gentlemen, do not fire your bears until you see the whites of their eyes!’

Kaitlin: The bear is aimed, cocked and loaded! So just watch out! And the eagle! Is a giant eagle, and it’s gonna appear right above the war table. Just like those giant eagles as they came to scoop up Sam and Frodo off of Mount Doom. 

Sophia: You created the world’s largest plothole. 

Noel: Okay, and I cast Enlarge on the bear.

[Kaitlin cackles]

Noel: And it now has advantage on strength roles and 1d4 extra damage for any attack it does. 

Kat: People are freaking out. 

[Laughter]

Kat: People are… Some people start running and screaming, others draw their swords to face down the bear. 

[More laughter]

Sophia: Idiots! 

Noel: Stupid fools…

Sophia: All right, now I’m gonna use my thieves’ tools on that door.

Kat: Okay. 

Sophia: And I’m gonna have the Goddess watch my back.

Kat: The Goddess is keepin’ a lookout. 

Sophia: Yeah.

[Dice rolls]

Sophia: Ah, not bad! Seventeen.

Kat: The door does not unlock. 

Noel: Oookay, I don’t feel like it’s going to unlock…

Kat: People are still freaking out, now facing down the bear, which is attacking?

Sophia: Okay, I try again!

[Dice rolls]

Sophia: Nope!

[Dice rolls]

Kaitlin: Okay, I turn into an ant. 

Kat: No one seems to have noticed you yet. So, Corbin, you turn into an ant and crawl into the study?

Kaitlin: Yup.

Kat: There does not appear to be a way to unlock this door from the other side without a key. 

Kaitlin: Ahh… Ooh, ooh… Is—Are there any openings, like, any other exists from the room?

Kat: There does not appear to be any other exits from first inspection. 

Noel: Does Corbin see a key anywhere?

Kat: He hasn’t looked for a key yet…

Sophia: I’m hoping he’ll search the room for a key, but right now I’m gonna try and unlock the door again. 

Kat: Okay.

[Dice rolls]

Kaitlin: What are the walls made of, Kat?

Kat: Bookshelves! 

Sophia: I critically failed!

Kat: Your lockpick gets stuck in the lock.

[Sophia makes noises of displeasure] 

Kat: And you’re not able to pull it out. And…

[Dice roll]

Kat: ...Someone has noticed you. One of the soldiers who is facing down the bear turns to look at you and goes:

[‘adfkjsdkfjsdf’ - Arc 1: Festival of Lights (Soundtrack) concludes playing]

Unnamed Soldier: What are you doing?!

Laika: Tryin’ to get away from that damn bear!

[‘beautiful owl (Ending Theme)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) begins playing]

Fran: There’s an eagle in here, don’t you know anything?!

Unnamed Soldier: You’re a soldier of Torva! Help us fight this thing!

Fran: [Reluctantly] ‘Kay....

Laika: [Weakly] Yes… yessss...

Noel: I go over to, like, look like I’m helping…

Sophia: Before I leave I wanna—I need to remove that tool.

Kat: Make a strength save to try and pull that tool out. 

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Oookay… 

Noel: I’m like, going with and I point, and I’m like:

Fran: Oh my god!

Noel: And as I point, I cast Prestidigitation and sparks erupt from the bear’s nostrils. 

[Laughter]

Kat: Oh, god… 

Sophia: Okay, that’s a twelve.

Kat: You’re not able to remove it from the— 

Sophia: I’m gonna try again!

Noel: I’m still pointing, and I’m like:

Fran: Holy shit!

Noel: And I make smoke rise from his nostrils. And there’s an odd odor.

[Dice roll]

Sophia: Fourteen?

Kat: That does it, however as you are tugging fearfully at this lockpick, a hand grasps your wrist. It is the elven commander that you roused from his bed. 

Unnamed Hot Elven Man: Looks like someone has sticky fingers. 

[‘beautiful owl (Ending Theme)’ - Arc 2: Into Avelis (Soundtrack) swells, continues and then concludes playing]

Kat: … But in a way that a sword is handsome. Dangerous.

[The group bursts into laughter]

Noel: [Wheezing] Bad!

Sophia: Sorry, I’m just imagining someone being like, ‘I wanna fuck that sword!’.

Kat: Sophia, don’t tell me Laika doesn’t feel that sometimes she looks at a good sword!

[Noel and Kaitlin laugh hysterically]

Sophia: I don’t wanna talk about it!

[Outro music]

Noel: Hey, Rudy!

Rudy: Hey, Noel!

Noel: You’re from a billion years in the future, right?

Rudy: … Yes. And… I feel very underrepresented in the RPG community. 

Noel: Don’t we all! Well, I have good news for you, my friend. 

Rudy: Is it very specific to my… problem?

Noel: Almost absurdly specific. Monte Cook Games, the creators of Numenera, are running a Kickstarter right now for Numenera 2!

Rudy: What is Numenera?! Noel. 

Noel: Well, Rudy! It is a game about exploration and discovery of a far, future Earth—maybe like the one you came from! Where remnants of past civilizations are so advanced, they seem like magic!

Rudy: Wow. There’s so much potential, a billion years in the future. What was the Earth like one million, six hundred thousand, seven hundred and two years in the future? I don’t know… but, I could find out. In this game. 

Noel: … You sure could. In Numenera, the people of the Ninth World suffer through a dark age, an era of isolation and struggle and a shadow of the ancient wonders crafted by civilizations millennia-gone. Does that sound something like your life, Rudy?

Rudy: Uh… Surprisingly so. 

Noel: Discovery awaits for those brave enough to seek out the works of the prior worlds! The Kickstarter is to sponsor two new books: Numenera: Discovery and Numenera: Destiny. These new core books will replace the existing core book, but it’s not a new edition. All existing products are forward-compatible. 

Rudy: I know about this Kickstarter! And I know about both the books! Numenera: Discovery is a fresh take on the existing core book. It’ll revise some of the rules to make things more clear and more fun and it’ll increase the options for you, the player characters.  Or if you’re not the player, Numenera: Destiny will give you new and epic ways to structure your campaigns. There’ll be materials, power sources and treasures that you can utilize in an entirely new, robust crafting and building system.

Noel: So, what you’re telling me, Rudy, my friend from a billion years in the future, is that you already knew all about this and you let me go on about it like an idiot… That’s cool!

Rudy: Uh—

Noel: That’s fine! All right! The Kickstarter is currently live. You can visit mymcg.info/dstpodcast. That’s mymcg.info/dstpodcast for more information.