7: May Listener Q&A with Marisol

What do a Canadian and a Texan have in common? When you both are moms with late-diagnosed ADHD, turns out a lot. Marisol and Moira met through online Coaching and Accountability Groups. They appreciate each other’s sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and passion for living a more ADHD friendly life. Oh, and their willingness to tell random people how they felt having an ADHD diagnosis and trying medication! Check out our first episode answering listener questions, with both considered and slightly more off-the-cuff answers.

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Transcript

Moira Maybin  00:05

Welcome to the ADHD Friendly Lifestyle, a place to practice putting on our own oxygen masks so we can breathe and make it possible to show up in our own lives without guilt and shame. I'm your host Moira Maybin, a woman, Mom, an educator, and I have late-diagnosed ADHD. There are things that I wish I had known about my ADHD sooner, and I want to share them with you. We are in this together and I am so excited that in today's episode, I have a very special guest, who is creating her own ADHD friendly lifestyle, and also helps me with my own accountability, support, and sometimes helps me to put my foot down and go to bed. We're going to be answering listener questions. And as my quote of the day says, this episode is fueled by caffeine, some sarcasm, and maybe some inappropriate thoughts. 

 Moira Maybin  00:52

If you didn't get your chance to submit your listener questions, you still can for future episodes, go to ADHDfriendlylifestyle.com or ADHD Friendly Lifestyle on Facebook to connect with me. If you enjoy today or other episodes, please help us with increasing awareness and understanding of ADHD by subscribing to the podcast, sharing it with your friends. Let's get started.

Moira Maybin  01:31

Welcome to the show Marisol.

Marisol Hall  01:32

Hi Moira,  

 Moira Maybin  01:35

Thanks for doing this with me. So I heard of you before I met you because you were on a podcast having your mastermind. And I thought here's someone else who's a mom, and is struggling with the stuff of being a mom and working and having ADHD. And so I was really excited when we got to volunteer together in coaching and accountability groups.

Marisol Hall  02:03

That's so weird to hear. Like when people are like, oh, I heard you on the podcast. So weird. 

Moira Maybin  02:09

And even though we have known each other for not quite a year yet it's been great because we've leaned on each other and learn from each other. And then we get a little silly together. So that's kind of fun. We have been known to throw each other under the bus. I'd maybe did it first by accident but to be fair, I was unmedicated that day.

Marisol Hall  02:33

Remember that? But you know, this isn't to say that stuff happens. But we promise not to do it today. 

Moira Maybin  02:38

No, except for maybe the game at the end. 

Marisol Hall  02:41

I don't know about that, I'll have to see what you say. 

Moira Maybin  02:43

But I worked really hard on it for like five minutes.

Marisol Hall  02:51

So it always isn't it like that when we can actually focus. Like oh, my God, five minutes, 

Moira Maybin  02:57

I can do three things in that five minutes. On the podcast, ADHD friendly lifestyle. I've shared my diagnosis story and so I'm just wondering if you'd be willing to tell us a little bit about how you got here.

Marisol Hall  03:08

So about five years ago, my daughter was diagnosed with you. Since she was honestly 18 months. Something just wasn't working out. Right. And I have always wondered for years since graduate school. A friend of mine in graduate school said, Oh, you're so ADD and I'm like, No, I'm not.   And you know, it always kind of stuck in my head, and kind of read about stuff on the internet. And there was quite a bit of kind of doesn't fit. And the thing that always threw me off was the fact that questionnaires always say your thoughts race as though run by a machine? No.  

Moira Maybin  03:47

I was looking at those checklists all the time as a teacher, and it was like, as if by a motor. And I was like, Well, no, but when you look at it in the context of, can I stop something? No. Right? It's so difficult once I started something to stop. So that's a bit driven. 

Marisol Hall  04:02

Yeah, well, that's the thing. And the funny part is, it's hard to figure out. Do my thoughts race as though run by a motor? I don't know. Because I don't know how somebody else's thoughts run. And so to me, what I now know is like constant thinking and questions is not normal.  

Moira Maybin  04:20

I've realized that if I don't give my brain something good to do, it'll just make up crap to think about just like, why why would anybody spend time thinking about these things? Because it needs something to do. 

Marisol Hall  04:33

I just figured, like, everybody was like that. I was a kid like I was, I mean, I was looking at like everything around me. And I'm sure I would come up with so many questions. And I wonder why that is that way, and how did they make that thing? And I honestly felt like that's how everybody else was. And then I finally asked my husband one time, I'm like, hey, do you do this? And he's like, no. And I thought, Oh,

Moira Maybin  04:59

My husband and I when we were first married and started going for a walk, and that I would be spending the whole walk, thinking about the rest of the day. And because when I didn't know I had ADHD, I had a lot of anxiety, right. So I spent a lot of time rehearsing and figuring things out not to drop things. He'd be on a walk. And he'd be like, do-do-do the sky is blue. And I'm like, got 4 million thoughts going on. And so we were I was, like, have a little bit of me and can I have a little bit of you, put them together? 

Marisol Hall  05:24

It'll be great. But I don't I honestly don't understand that. I'm like, how, I don't know how people do that. Because I'm the same way they go on a walk. I'm thinking about this and that.

Moira Maybin  05:35

Did that change with medication, because that changed for me a lot? 

Marisol Hall  05:39

Yes, and no, that's a really good question. I think it's probably more so not so much that I don't have as many thoughts. But I can pick what I'm going to think about more and kind of stick with it. I guess, maybe I do have a reduced number of thoughts. Once things become clear. When I'm trying to think of my next task, it's much more clear to me, and it's easier to start on it. As opposed to before, I was describing it as foggy. Like say, I'm wearing a pair of glasses, and it gets foggy. I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do. And I could never quite get my hands on it. But then with medication, all of a sudden, the fog lifted, and I could see okay, there's this, this, this and I can choose. It's much easier for me. 

Moira Maybin  06:28

That's interesting. I remember the first time I took medication, and I had left the doctor's office, went to the pharmacy, got the medication, took it started driving home. 20 minutes later, I'm going over a bridge. And all of a sudden, I'm realizing instead of strategizing. Because normally when I would drive, I'd be like, which lane is moving fastest, which lane is moving the slowest. And I'm like looking ahead because I hate waiting. So I don't want to get stuck. So I don't drive aggressively. But I drive very strategically. And I wasn't doing that I was just content to drive. And so it made it more peaceful in my brain. I got out of the habit of having to control my thoughts so much that when the medication wears off, if I stay up late, then I go to bed and my brain is so busy that I can't go to sleep. So for me, yeah, I have to make sure I don't stay up too late. Well, then that's what I'm stapled to the couch scrolling anyway. 

Marisol Hall  07:22

So yeah, such an interesting experience, especially when you're late-diagnosed and then you take medication for the first time. And you can notice the differences. So if you were very deliberately taking medication and, I wonder what's it going to do for me, and you're very deliberate in knowing this is how I felt before. How do I feel now? It was obviously an eye-opening experience for me. But I remember I was telling everybody, everybody, who would stand so long enough to be like, do you know what this is like?

Moira Maybin  07:53

I got a new boss, and my previous ones really knew me really well. And they're like, Oh, that's Moira. So I had this very comfortable, warm relationship with my administration. And then I get this new administration. And I'm like, I've just been diagnosed, and I'm not medicated yet, and just not the best start. 

Marisol Hall  08:09

Yeah, you know, the hilarious thing is, this is a fantastic tangent. And then I just realized that I don't finish my diagnosis story.

Moira Maybin  08:15

I know, but I was gonna pull you back. Your daughter was diagnosed, you're questioning it? 

Marisol Hall  08:19

Yeah. And so my daughter was diagnosed, and I had done a bunch of research looking into what is ADHD. And, you know, how does it appear in children? And that kind of thing? That leads to questioning like, Okay, wait a minute, why do that, and that kind of thing. And so then I started to listen to podcasts. I was looking for things to help her. But also finding obviously, that these things would be good for me too. And I'm like, Okay, this is a theme. And I remember, I still didn't necessarily want to go get a diagnosis. But I remember kind of the breaking point. It was okay. My kid has a diagnosis. She's going to need to help me? How do I help her learn the organization strategies, how to implement strategies, and method of things. When I realized that I can't do it myself, have a full-time job, I felt like everything was just too much. I couldn't handle my work, at home, with my kid's life,  work was overwhelming. Like everything was just overwhelming. And it feels like juggling all of these things. And I think this is definitely where the parent aspect comes in. you're juggling so many things. And it's just the one more thing is the one goal too many. And everything started literally, to fall down. And it has gotten to the point where I thought, I need to quit my job. Because it's taking up too much of my resources that I'm giving to my job. I need to get to my kids. And I love my job. I love what I do and don't want to leave it. But I felt like it's too much to the point where I went in to talk to the dean and I was and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. The words didn't want to come out of my mouth. And then we had a medication appointment with my daughter's psychiatrists. And I mentioned to her at the end of the webinar, I said, Hey, I think I might have ADHD, and I'm about to quit my job. So I think I might need to figure this out. And she said,  don't do anything. Let's figure it out first. And the rest is history. 

Moira Maybin  10:20

So great. One of the things, and I want to know who your friend is that way back, who recognized that in you because it's so easy for women who are smart and capable, to hide it,  And I have been in that place exactly that you have, I'm going to give up everything in my life just to try and keep the family going. 

Marisol Hall  10:40

The person who told me that was my best friend in graduate school. And she had a son with autism, so in her reading about autism, ADHD, she probably saw it going along with it. She was the one who mentioned to me, Marisol you're so ADD because she was the one that recognized it in me. And I look back, I think she had ADHD, which is one of the reasons why I think like, we were the best of friends, like nobody else in the world knew me as she did. And it was vice versa. Like we were just two peas in a pod. And the funny thing is, we were both very successful. Academically,  we both have master's degrees in biology, we both had the same kind of humor, the same kind of free spirit on a whim, to go somewhere kind of thing. And then I now recognize she was extremely organized. But I feel that she was extremely organized because of compensating.  

Moira Maybin  11:39

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that was a major coping strategy. For me, I have a magnet for people with ADHD, when I am picking out childcare providers for my children, and friends, and basically looking at it now that I know more about it. Most of the people in my life have neurodiversity in some way, either themselves, or a family member who has ADHD, or learning disabilities, or autism. I know there's a lot of people with ADHD who exist completely in a neurotypical world. And that's going to be so hard. 

Marisol Hall  12:11

The funny thing is, I'm not even sure how I think it's true. For people who are interested in the same things or kind of have the same vibe as you do, and that kind of thing. It makes sense to me that we would find other ADHD people because they're the people who, and I can't imagine being in a situation where I don't have anybody, but it must be incredibly difficult.  

Moira Maybin  12:36

I realize we are far into the episode and we haven't done a question yet. Let's start on that. Yes. And I think we're gonna have you back for another episode where we do less introductory talking and more questions. The first question I have for you, is, what is an ADHD friendly lifestyle to you? 

Marisol Hall  12:52

So I put in place those structures that help me to really get to the things that I need to do. And mind you, this is ideal, right? If I could wave a magic wand, having the structures in place to make those things that are not easy for me easier, so that I can accomplish the things I want to accomplish, but also have enough room to be with my, with my husband, and, and to be with myself, to have that time where I get to do the things that I like to do. And those other things that are not so easy for me, and not such a distraction, not such a roadblock, that would be an ADHD, friendly life. So having those structures in place to make the hard things easier, so that I can enjoy the strengths. 

Moira Maybin  13:41

And when you say time for things that you want, do you mean time to be able to free range and let your brain or your nose take where you want to go? Or there are specific things that fill you up that you want to have time for?

Marisol Hall  13:56

You know, I had not thought of it that way. I guess because it's hard to think of free range time, as it is never occurred to me. But the thought of having just free range time seems almost foreign and I think I need to make it more familiar. I think that time would be time for me to decide what I want to do, do I want to do something structured, I used to be pre COVID, I was in my church choir. And I realized just how much I did that. So that's one of those want to make sure that I have time to do that. Time to pursue artistic stuff, I am not a great artist, but I really don't care.  So that kind of thing. 

Moira Maybin  14:36

The reason why I asked about the free ranging too was because I realized that's what keeps me up late at night. When I don't have time. I kind of have this what I like to do on my iPad and what I like to read and what I like to go through and you know I want to look things up and when I don't get that time. Yeah, then I make it right to try to find that. But then I also think it's the having fun, right my life turned into having no fun. 

Marisol Hall  15:01

Yeah, I totally agree. I think that's something for ADHDers especially, you know, having been in the coaching groups, things like that kind of a common theme that I see is people are so concerned. And understandably so about being productive, productive, productive, how do I get more productive? How do I get my work done? How do I get my to do list, which I totally understand. But also, after seeing that consistent situation come up, I think. And we need to not be so concerned about being productive all the time. Because it's not a happy place to be. 

Moira Maybin  15:38

No, and it's very North American culture, I feel the whole notion of only having two weeks off a year. And that idea is just, I want to work to live not live to work. 

Marisol Hall  15:48

Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, it's one of those funny things that, that I have seen work, again through the coaching groups, how do more by doing less, you know, how does that sound hilarious? How much more productive could we be, when we do work in that downtime. For me personally, I think a lot of my lack of productivity comes from the fact that I keep my nose to the grindstone so much that you just kind of burned out, you know, plan in those breaks, plan in that time off, and when you go back to work, and you're fresh, and you can get more done. So ironically you are getting more done by being less.

Moira Maybin  16:24

Yeah, I know, I actually had to take that on when I had my second or third, health burnout. And the notion of if you were peeling a potato, and you were tired and had two left, and it would take you 10 minutes, but the level of exhaustion it would take. So if I went and rested, and then came back, I'd be fine. But if I push through that it would take a lot longer to recover. So I definitely am using that same thing with the hyper focus and, and pushing myself too hard. I'm definitely finding the same thing. I call it kind of being hungover. 

Moira Maybin  16:57

Well, the next section feature is one that I've affectionately called, How can I get shit done? We've got some questions here. The first one is, how do I remember to close the covers? 

Marisol Hall  17:14

I love this question.  Oh, my gosh, that is such a universal problem. I've heard so many people comment on leaving the cupboards open. What are you getting when you go into the cupboard? Is this is like the cupboard for plates.  I assume it's in the kitchen? So my answer is you're forgetting to close the cupboards. What are you going to get? And whatever it is, you're going to get? Maybe try writing a note. a sticky note that reminds you to close the cupboard, you put it on that top plate. So when you pull the plate out, you're like, Oh, what's this? Because you forget you wrote A's? Yeah, yeah, exactly. Surprise. And it says close the cupboard and you take it off, and then close the cupboard kind of thing. And so that way, every single time because you've forgotten that you wrote the notes, you're reminded of that point of performance kind of thing that you need to close the cupboard. I thought this is perfect. We just keep moving the sticky on.

Moira Maybin  18:12

 I would go back again, what is it that you're getting? and there are things that we just keep out on our counter because they're high-frequency use. One thing we did, this isn't we're closing the cupboards but it's in the cupboard vein, to empower our children when they were small, we moved all our plates and cups and dishes to the lower level so that they can get themselves. There are ways for people to help each other with you know if you're not living by yourself, and you know, maybe someone goes around and closes the cupboards. So sometimes instead of trying to change your behavior, it's what could you adapt in the situation to make it easier, it would probably happen for me, the more distracted I was, the more I had in my brain. So if I'm having five things going at once, 

Marisol Hall  18:58

you know, we could also turn to modern remodelling and decorating techniques as well. Yeah, I watch a lot of HGTV. And if you're open shelving very popular these days, so get rid of altogether, just take the cupboard door right off? 

Moira Maybin  19:14

No need to worry unless you're someone who seeing stuff is an issue. 

Marisol Hall  19:18

All my stuff will be falling out.

Moira Maybin  19:20

You might get a dog and train them to close it. Or a cat for the upper shells. Okay, the next question is, why is it so hard to just write things down to let my boss know what I've been doing? And what I'm going to do? 

Marisol Hall  19:38

I love this question because that's a lot of executive function. 

Moira Maybin  19:42

I was like, it takes so much time. Yeah, if you want to come across ordered computers are great for me that way, right? But the idea of just putting your ideas out and then reordering them, but takes a lot of effort.

Marisol Hall  19:56

Especially because of you know, being a teacher. You do a lot of extra stuff. That isn't necessarily in your, quote, job description kind of thing. And so you want to make sure that you document these things so that when your review comes up or whatever, you have a list of all the stuff that I've done, and you make sure and put your best foot forward. And if it was a friend of mine who does not have ADHD, she just told me the other day, and you forgot, again, compensated, she's like, make a folder, things I did in 2020, or whatever the folder and that way immediately, when you don't, you've done something, even if you're writing on the wall still doesn't matter to you in that folder. So you just kind of collect them. Of course, that means you actually have to execute making a folder

Moira Maybin  20:44

and have paper around, right? One of the things that I really have learned last few years, is the notion of not making any time for stuff like this goes back to any activity has a setup the activity, and a takedown or cleanup. And more often than not, we leave at least one or two of those off, you know, so if we're not having that entire process to an activity, that was something like this, it's really easy not to schedule for him there because like, I want to have this magically done. But I don't have any time in my day, or my life to actually do it. 

Marisol Hall  21:24

You know, with this question? I was like, that's a lot of executive function, I need to have something to write it down on, I need something about with, you need to remember to do that event. And so my thought was technology to the rescue because I thought if you can at least think, Okay, I'm going to put it in a memo on my phone. And so like, pull up my phone demo, I did XYZ, this week, I  filed the TPS reports, or whatever. And then hopefully, you have at least work currently on a phone and looking digital in some way or something like that. 

Moira Maybin  21:55

There's people that I work with that are doing similar things, then I've gone to them for ideas to depending on the job, or whatever it is, I'm going to the internet, you know, I am so grateful for all the people who make the How To Videos, and show me how to do stuff. And they make the to do lists and tell me what I need to do as a homeowner for every month of the year, right. And so then I can take that and figure out what works for me. And then also, I wonder, by having a conversation with the boss about how having more of a regular check in or more of a ongoing conversation might make that easier. Maybe that person would be open to that do maybe more regular check ins. 

Marisol Hall  22:35

And not only that, but that can also increase your communication, which is always something that I think is generally lacking in workplace, just more communication. And that way you can kind of find to whatever it is, because maybe your boss doesn't want a list of you know, all the minutia that you've done. And so you're always you're worried about, oh my god, how do I document that I you know, ABC and D and maybe your boss really doesn't want that your boss's boss to have an overview. What were the big projects that you did with that? Maybe you're worrying about something that is not really a problem.

Moira Maybin  23:19

 I think we're gonna be wrapping up today's episode. Here's the game from one of my favorite podcasters. And they've given me permission, you may know it. Here are your three possibilities. Marry, date, or block/delete: someone who can't sit still. Someone who you can't get their attention or someone who is always wanting to ditch whatever you're doing and go do something. 

Marisol Hall  23:43

Oh, I see. So now so I have to decide what I married date. block or delete? 

Moira Maybin  23:51

Yes, these three individuals Okay. Okay. Whoo. All right. 

Marisol Hall  23:57

So, can I only use one option? Yes. Yes. I say delete that.  Okay. So it's like the matching. 

Moira Maybin  24:07

You're gonna marry one you're gonna date one. And the other one you're gonna block. Okay.

Marisol Hall  24:14

Okay. So one can't sit still.

Moira Maybin  24:20

The next one will always will ditch anything. Let's bail. Let's ditch this joint. 

Marisol Hall  24:28

Right here, man. Okay. And then what was the and when you can't get their attention? Always in their own head. Oh, okay. I'm gonna delete the person who I know is never gonna pay attention. Why would it be with someone who didn't pay any attention to me?

Moira Maybin  24:45

Very, very, very true. 

Marisol Hall  24:47

Yep. I sound horribly narcissist. I promise I'm not. 

Moira Maybin  24:51

Let's just assume they're happy in their own world. Yep, that makes sense. All right.

Marisol Hall  24:57

Somebody who will bail, because that's somebody to date, If you can have fun if you're dating now, it's not a lifetime commitment.

Moira Maybin  25:15

Especially if it was the post COVID. Right. You want to leave your house and go do something. Yeah.  Maybe because the thing is if you marry them, they might, they might ditch you, or something.

Marisol Hall  25:33

But if I'm not the funnest option anymore, that's right. No, no.

Moira Maybin  25:39

So you're gonna marry the person who can't sit still? 

Marisol Hall  25:42

Yeah, because then maybe they will be the one that gets me more active. Unfortunately, I didn't get the hyperactive energy hyper is so yeah, I was not an athlete. That was not my game. So if they can't sit still, and we know are out and about doing more stuff.

Moira Maybin  26:06

 I would love the can't sit still handy person. A friend of mine, her dad retired about 30 years ago.  I don't think he sat down. But he has done so much stuff for you know, building stuff and creating stuff. And yeah, I love it. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show. And I'm really looking forward to having you back.

Moira Maybin  26:43

I hope you enjoyed today's show. This is the place for the late diagnosed women, moms professionals. Those who want to understand ADHD, be heard, and know they're not alone. We can have an ADHD friendly lifestyle that includes more time with our strength and passion, and less with our challenges, and has ways to adjust what and how we do things to suit us better and to expand the ways in places that ADHD is understood and accepted. I'd love to know your thoughts about today's episode. There are lots of ways to get in touch. You can check out my website, ADHDfriendlylifestyle.com, and email me from there or comment below in the podcast. All questions will be anonymous, respected, and appreciate. And I can't wait to continue this conversation with you. Please remember, I am not a doctor. The information presented in this podcast does not replace the individual recommendations from your health care providers. You can help by subscribing to the ADHD friendly lifestyle on Apple podcast, or the podcast player of your choice. You can also spread the word by sharing the podcast with the people in your life and by taking the time to rate and review.

Moira Maybin  27:53

And now for a new feature inspired by the ADHD community and Tik Tok called tell me you have ADHD without actually telling me you have ADHD.

So I missed dinner. Everyone ate because I took too long in the bathroom. I fell down a rabbit hole.

I unintentionally put my keys in the fridge because they were in my lunch bag with my dirty Tupperware and I put that in the fridge so I wouldn't have to watch it. Couldn't find my keys the next day and I forgot I put the keys in my lunch bag.

Moira Maybin  29:22

If you want to tell me that you have ADHD without actually telling me you have ADHD, visit my Facebook page and continues the thread we started there. Maybe we'll hear yours on a future episode. Stay tuned for the next episode as we work together to build our friendly lifestyles together. Thanks for listening. Bye