Ep 197: After 20 Years of Inner Work, 3 Months in ERA Changed Everything — Emerson’s Story

After 20 years of trying to fix herself, Emerson had reached a point where she believed nothing would truly change. The anxiety, the hypervigilance, the patterns in relationships — they felt too deep, too ingrained.

In this conversation, she shares what shifted when the work stopped being something she understood in her mind… and became something she experienced in her body.

We talk about what it actually looks like to move from constant reactivity to grounded presence in relationships — not by forcing change, but by relating to yourself differently.

And what happens when, for the first time, you don’t have to analyze your healing… because you can feel that something is different.

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Transcript

Why This Story Matters

SPEAKER_02 0:45

Welcome. I'm so glad that you're here listening because that means you're gonna get to meet Emerson. Emerson has been in the community for about six, seven months, came in through one of the free webinars, and has had an incredible journey. And what hits so hard is that she's saying at one point in this conversation that I never thought that it would be possible. I thought that I was too broken, too damaged, that I would be sitting here telling others with absolute certainty that it is possible. Like I never thought that I would be sitting in this position talking to people about what I've been able to shift in six months when I've been working on myself for 20 years. There are so many goosebumps moments in this conversation. And one of the other like favorite moments is for Amazon, who used to be someone who's like, okay, good student. I have to work hard to make these changes. And then she shifts this through the embodied self-mastery work. So at one point in this conversation, I asked her, So, so what was it that changed, or how are you now relating differently to your emotion? What was it that worked? And she's like, I'm not even sure what you're asking because um it's like it didn't even matter to her anymore. She didn't have to analyze it. She was just having a new experience. She just followed the steps and it worked. I can't wait for you to enjoy this conversation, most of all, because I want you to know that it's possible for you to, that whatever store you're sitting in right now, oh, it's gonna mean this, it's gonna be so hard, it's um gonna take a lot of work, it might work for others, but not for me. Or wherever you feel like you're capping yourself, where you're holding yourself back in a limited idea what's possible for you. I want you to take a moment and be skeptical about that story. I think it's good that we're skeptical and we tend to be skeptical about others or about, you know, random internet ladies who are selling their programs online. That's good. Find out, listen to podcast episode, get on a call, you know, be skeptical, right? But if you could be as skeptical towards some of the own stories in your own mind, then you would gain a lot. And if this inspires you to take some action, some steps from your heart, from your soul, even though parts of you think you're not ready yet, or that it's too much or too expensive, or whatever's going on for you right now, like that you take a moment to look at that story and like, is that how I want to live my life? Do I want to live by the rules that this voice is telling me? If you can gain that from this conversation, yeah, then this is a big win. Enjoy it. I certainly did. Let's dive in. Emerson, welcome to the Uncover You podcast. Thank you. I'm happy to be here with you. I'm I'm so happy that you said yes to coming on because I'm actually sitting here with like the message that you sent me. And when I read that message about when you're describing your journey, that hasn't been that long, even it's like six months back or something, and everything that you've been moving through since you joined Alchemy and then ERA, and then you came to Mexico now in January. I was just like, oh, let's let's have a conversation so that both I get to hear more about your experience, but also others get to hear what's possible.

SPEAKER_00 5:03

Yeah, um, I'm I'm really excited about that. I never in a million years thought I would be here. First of all, this is not something I would have ever done even six months ago, but I just didn't think this was possible for me. Yeah. Um, so it feels surreal to be here and be able to talk to you and let other people know that it is possible.

The Before: Anxiety And Hypervigilance

SPEAKER_02 5:37

I love that. I'm I'm getting goosebumps already. Okay, so tell me a little bit about the before. Okay, so six months before, but also probably five years, ten years, you know, what what has been your experience before um joining this work?

SPEAKER_00 5:57

Um, so my entire life I've been um high anxiety, constant high anxiety, um, hyper-vigilant, constantly in my head, over-analyzing everything. It never stopped. Um struggled with reactive patterns in relationships, um, constantly going into fight or flight, um never trusting my own self, always having to reach out to friends, like, what do you think about this? Like, what is this, is this a red flag? I don't know, like help. I don't, you know, I don't trust my own judgment, my own inner voice, my own inner feelings. Um, I uh when I found your programs, I was like yet in another point in my life where I was going through a breakup. Um, this felt like the hardest one yet. I was drowning in deep emotions, it all felt too big to handle. Um, all the same stuff coming up. I'm abandoned again, I'm never enough. Um, it was just more proof that I am broken and I had been trying to fix these things for 20 years. Um, did every therapy, every program, every mindfulness, everything out there, and um with not much success, you know, a little a little bit here and there. Um, and I was to the point where I've been trying things for 20 years. I'm too broken. Um, my traumas are too big and too deep to heal or to see any kind of change in these patterns.

The Breakup That Broke Hope

SPEAKER_02 8:11

Yeah, I know that feeling for sure. So what and then what happened? You happened to stumble across some crazy internet lady with an ad or something, I'm guessing.

The Webinar Insight About Protectors

SPEAKER_00 8:27

Yeah, I did. So I um, you know, somehow your your ad algorithm found me, found me hard, like it was all I was seeing. Um one of your in your face. You were you were in my face. And of course, you know, I'm just scrolling through in through the Instagram looking for all how can I change myself? What what can I do to stop these feelings? Um and uh one of your ads um was have you tried everything and nothing else has worked? Well, you know what? I sure have. Um and it was actually, I think, uh like an ad for one of your free live um webinars last summer, last fall. Um, so I thought, well, I've I've tried it all. I might as well at least check this out. It'll be more, you know, more knowledge for the brain. Um, why not? So I um I go to the the live webinar and I could tell this might be different um than everything else. My first like big aha moment in that webinar was hearing you talk about doing inner work from protective parts. And I had done, I had done IFS therapy for years. I I knew about protective parts. Um, but this was the first time I heard anybody talk about doing the work from a protective part. And I said, wow, that's exactly what I've been doing my entire life. And that's even why I came to this webinar. There was a sense of urgency, like I have to fix myself immediately. Um, I'm drowning in hurt, I need this to go away now. Um, so in that webinar, after learning for the first time ever that that doesn't work, um I immediately signed up for alchemy after the webinar. Like I couldn't, I was so excited, I was so hopeful for the first time, skeptical, but still hopeful. Um, and I couldn't get the link quick enough to get into alchemy and get started.

SPEAKER_02 11:12

Yeah, something really hits a chord for you of like, ooh, I can see that this is what I've been doing, and I haven't been aware of that's what's been happening. And now someone's telling me, like, this is the piece that's been missing. Yeah. Recognition. And then what happened? Okay, you entered alchemy, which is, you know, the pillars and learning to relate to yourself in a different way, so that you can actually get to the underlying wounds, not from the protector parts.

No Notes: Getting Out Of The Head

SPEAKER_00 11:49

Yeah. So I uh I started alchemy. I um queued up the first video. I'm ready to start the program. I'm like, I'm gonna fly through this program. I'm just gonna focus on this all week and get it done, check those boxes off, and hopefully be healed, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:09

And I was laughing so much about your message because you were like, notebook out. I'm gonna take all the notes and I'm really gonna learn this. I'm not gonna let myself down and like studying really hard.

SPEAKER_00 12:23

Yeah, exactly. I got I got a beautiful notebook, one that I loved. Um, I had my pen and paper. I was gonna take the most comprehensive notes because I was not gonna miss a thing this time. Because I thought I knew it all. What is it, what's missing that I I haven't caught? Um, I was really gonna drill it into my brain and get it this time. Um, so I sit down ready to take my notes, and like the the first practice video, you the first minute you recommend not taking notes. And I'm like, shit, you know, you're like, this is this is a feeling, this is a body, this is not a knowing in your mind. Um, and that was my second big aha moment because um I've always done it from my mind. I knew I know about trauma, I know about survival responses, I know about wounded and protector parts. I could teach a university class on it. But why wasn't it working? Um, so I hesitantly put my notebook away, still wondering like, how am I gonna know what to do if I don't take all the notes and write it down?

SPEAKER_02 13:57

How am I gonna be a good student and excel at this?

SPEAKER_00 13:59

Yeah. Yeah. So I was like, okay, I I have to, I have to do this differently. Um I've already, you know, I I'm trusting this woman. She's already, you know, pointed out things that have really made me think, wow, that was that's been a missing piece. So I tucked my notebook away um and just started on the program. And um much to my dismay, I couldn't just plow through it and check the boxes because you don't have access to the second, third, fourth pillar um when you first start. So uh it it really gave me the tool to slow down and do it with my body instead of my head. And I've only ever done it from my head. I had no idea what feeling in my body meant. Um I've heard it, I've I've heard it. You have to feel you have to feel your feelings in your body to get through them, to process them, but no nobody has ever showed me how or taught me what that means. Um, and I thought I was because I felt everything so big, so many emotions, it was overwhelming. Surely I'm feeling my feelings.

SPEAKER_02 15:37

Yeah, I have no problem with feeling. That's what I'm doing all the time.

SPEAKER_00 15:42

Exactly. Um, so that that's what was really so life-changing um about alchemy is um you literally provide the roadmap on how to do it. It's not uh a talk, it's not a a a mind learning thing. It is, you know, step-by-step um roadmap on how to do this.

SPEAKER_02 16:13

Yeah, yeah. No, I've I've this and this was because I needed it. I was in a similar situation. Like, here are all these gurus and teachers and psychologists, and they're they're they're saying a bunch of things that sounds really good and intellectually, I get them, but I don't know how to do them. Like, what what do you mean? Direct my attention in my body, what do you mean feeling that? Like, how is that different from what I'm doing? So it really came from like a necessity of this is this is the hand holding I need to feel safe enough to leave my safe mind where I've been living all of my life and where I've been hiding in intellectual ideas and just project managing things and venture down into the what felt like the underworld and the really unsafe place of my body. So yeah, I'm happy to hear that that becomes something tangible. That isn't isn't just a fluffy idea or a direction that you feel you're failing at, but it really becomes hey, step one, two, three years, let's do it together. Yeah, yeah. So so then moving through alchemy, you described a few things in your message about having experiences, right? After having moving through alchemy, and like really this is feeling different. Like, so what did you notice?

SPEAKER_00 17:55

Um I started feeling real shifts in alchemy quickly. Um I um it's it's just so hard to explain. Like I couldn't I couldn't even believe that I was finally understanding, not understanding with my mind, but understanding with my body. And I was feeling better, like I was feeling calmer, more relaxed, um just it helped to bring me out of the massive, massive despair I was in. Um I mean the the feelings were so overwhelming, like it did feel like I was going to drown in them. And um going through the pillars in alchemy for the first time helped bring me out of that. Like I could, I could breathe, I could move, I could live in this world.

SPEAKER_02 19:19

Yeah. So what did you like how did you then do it differently? Because you said like I'm feeling it all the time, but I'm drowning in it. So what was the difference between that and what you learned to do in alchemy?

SPEAKER_00 19:41

I'm not sure what I'm not sure what your question is.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

Yeah, so like about the feeling piece, because you said like I am already feeling it, I'm feeling it all the time, and I'm drowning in it. So then what was different? Like what you learned to do in alchemy, like how did you learn to relate to your emotions that that was different?

SPEAKER_00 20:11

I don't I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 20:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 20:18

I I really don't know. I just I just showed up and did it.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

Yeah.

When It Works Without Analyzing

SPEAKER_00 20:25

Um and I think well one thing that was a game changer for your program is there are so many opportunities to get online and do this with other people too. Um, you know, it's not just me after my therapy appointment trying to get through this alone. You know, I would I would show up to all the um work groups and pods and and do it, do the work, and like having other people there with me, you know, um was just a total game changer and and helped with accountability, helped me feel, you know, safer. Um yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:23

I love it. So so Emerson, you're actually saying like from uh approaching uh the this inner work and healing work from an intellectual standpoint and like studying it and having a PhD almost in it, you know, like I know I know what I'm supposed to do. And now you're like, I don't really, I I don't, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I did it and it worked, and I feel different.

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Yes, exactly, exactly. Um, and I still went through periods of time where I was like, well, shit, I didn't take the notes. How am I gonna know what to do when I get triggered? Um, you know, so it it it took a lot of reframing to get out of that and stop worrying about it with the mind.

Jumping Into ERA And Overwhelm

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Right. Because there's something else that I teach more about inside of era, right? It's like your intention, it's like your intention stating what it is that you want, and then keep putting your attention there again and again and again, and just forming that neural pathway, like that is what will make the difference. So you after being in alchemy was it like a month two something you it was it was a month i had just finished all the pillars um i mean not finished you never you never finish yeah but you know i made it through the pillars and um i right away jumped into era yeah uh i was i was terrified i was like i maybe i need to work on alchemy a little longer and really get that before moving on i don't know all i know is this is working for me so i want to i just i'm all in right yeah no because it's both uh it's a bigger investment money time energy and that's often the thing I hear I'm like I'm not ready for it yet you know I haven't mastered the pillar so I haven't healed this wound yet but so how was that experience for you because I find it's is super helpful to really start like doing both and also building towards what it is that you want because when you do you'll get plenty of material to work through like things that you that you can use the pillars on. So it's almost like taking the pillars from okay just healing what's what I'm suffering from the most right now and turn it into something very practical to use in your day to day as you're like I want to have this kind of relationship. I want to work on this I want to create this so yeah how how is that for you to jump into air and yeah what did you experience there? Yeah so I went through all of those feelings and thoughts um I want I want to master alchemy first why am I doing this is expensive I was laid off from my job the same day that I'm going through this breakup like is this too too much what am I doing like I barely know alchemy um but I hesitantly did it um and I'm I'm so grateful like I'm so glad that I did it um you know era it's a lot of going into changing your patterns and your external relationships and um I you know I was I was ready for that alchemy got me in with myself in my body and I wanted to learn how to make real changes in my external relationships too um it uh you know the the first month was great um I s I stuck with it I felt you know I'm I'm progressing I'm doing both this is very manageable uh the second month in era a whole nother world opens up and I got immediately overwhelmed I was like oh my god what have I done I don't know where to go now there are too many choices help because that's when the whole practice library opens up right the first month is like I'm hand holding you through the yes the self-love loving yourself peace and then I'm like okay here's the whole practice library go wander through it on your own yeah yep yeah uh it felt like a lot I was like am I moving too fast uh uh I don't know what to do this is overwhelming so I I really really just had to keep going back to just show up and do something um don't think about it in your mind don't overthink uh am I going too fast did I not figure enough out because I was finally for the first time in 20 years realize learning that's it's that's not what it's about just you know feel it it's it's in your body you don't have to worry about not being ready not did you learn it right are you doing it right like just just do it exactly and and that's uh it's also why I say you know in in errant and in alchemy like this is not a safe space yeah it it's it I'm learning you to be safe with you but that means things are gonna be challenging things are gonna come up so for some people it's gonna be like oh my god all this practice library and now my whole judge is coming up and telling me you know I'm not doing enough or am I doing it right like that's exactly what we need to see right so that's now is working material material that we can like meet with and and understand from a different like oh I don't have to believe this story that my mind is telling me you know that I'm behind or that I'm doing too much or that you know I'm overwhelmed. Maybe I'm not maybe I get to learn how to navigate this situation in a completely new way.

SPEAKER_00 28:15

Yeah yes because I thought um I did get overwhelmed and stopped um and I did get hard on myself and think well I'm I'm paying this money and now I'm not doing it I got overwhelmed see like but I still kept coming to the live online talks and practices and sometimes I would start something again um get a little ways and stop um and then be hard on myself and I'm not gonna get fixed if I don't keep pushing through um but you know what here here I am and I have made changes without just pushing through and getting through every single little little bit um you know I can I can play with it here and there with you know what what I wanna what I want to focus on what I want to dive into now you know it's no longer uh a checklist of things to get through it's uh hey I I got this and it's okay if I don't do it every single day you know I'm I'm I'm I'm here I'm doing the thing and it's uh I've learned to be more gentle with myself and um not forcing myself to just power through because that's what I think I need to do to get better. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 30:03

And I still I still got better right so yeah and it's such a beautiful example of like uh we all want to get to secure relationships right or to secure attachment and the way we are doing it is by beating ourselves up by being really unsafe and insecure with ourselves so it really that's why it starts there in the self-love in making your inner environment safer for yourself and all your parts so that's yeah that's what I'm hearing you like that shift of hey I'm not gonna beat myself up about this anymore because where has that led me?

Dating The Old Self In Real Time

SPEAKER_00 30:45

Like what experience has that given me before yep and that was that was a really hard realization to come to um but I did and you you talk about it all the time like you remind us all of this all the time um so I started ER and um I got to a place where I at least felt like I could put myself out there and try dating again where you know before I was like it's I'm doomed like don't even bother because every relationship goes the same way with my patterns um so I um I started seeing someone and um this new relationship it was exactly like dating myself um she was defensive took everything personally um overanalyzed everything in the head went into survival mode constantly at even the smallest hint of of conflict um would get reactive or shut down all the time um and that that was that was me that was how I have been in every relationship my whole life um and it was I I couldn't even believe I was experiencing this and on the other side of myself. Yeah because how how was that to meet with the the past version of yourself and all your past reactions in someone else it it was surreal it it was like my every relationship I've had playing out before my eyes but I was on the other side of it this time um she she hit on so many of my triggers all of them and for the first time ever I did everything differently um and I didn't even it just happened I didn't try I didn't have to think about it um you didn't you didn't go back to your notes and your checklists and your like I didn't I didn't um I never got reactive um I never pulled away I never shut down I could feel in my body signals of getting activated um but I never fully went into survival mode I never went into fight or flight where I was hijacked in this relationship and defending and yelling um nor did I throw my hands up and overwhelm and say I can't handle this I'm I'm out by um like I have done every every time before um when she would get defensive and and shut down like I was able to stay present in that with her um I would I would start to feel like my my little abandonment wound kick in here and there and it would make me it would do that like oh get the hell out of here this isn't safe but I was able to get myself out of that like quickly um and I um you know and I remember one night she she shut down and like turned away and you know wouldn't talk and I just um felt the activation coming up in me I was able to bring myself down and I just reached my arm out and and kept it on her and was just there present while she was shut down um and in flight mode. And um this happened many many times and I I was able to get myself out of that activated state that was starting to come up um and it it just it was amazing and you know when things would calm down and she would come out of her state or the next day or whenever I could calmly and caringly communicate about it.

SPEAKER_02 35:33

I could talk about my feelings I could talk about how this used to happen to me in every single relationship um I could express my needs and wants um it it was I mean uh it was surreal and the whole time I was like is is this a fluke is this like is this really happening am I gonna be able to do this again what what what is going on here I cannot even believe it parallel universe experience yeah yeah and I'm also hearing you describing something uh really big because often and we all have different timelines to take this journey on right so it's and it sounds like you were really uh ready to like you had with all the work that you'd done for 20 years even if it had been up in your mind but I think there's a readiness that came from it where you're just like okay now it's clicking because I'm getting it into my system it's hitting my body it's yeah it's different that way. But you're describing something beautiful which is often another layer that we tend to get into it's like oh now we have all this understanding for the other person that is experiencing these reactions because we used to have them and then we tend to abandon ourselves in that right and we go into oh my God I'm gonna save you from having this experience but I'm hearing you describing that you could both stay with okay you're having a hard time I don't have to react to that I don't have to make it about me but I also have feelings and needs and wants and desires and that's this is what what that is so yeah that is a very that's high level maturity in relating which isn't something again that happens in the mind it happens because it trickles into the nervous system and our bodies start to feel safe to be in these experiences yeah okay so a little surreal like is this really happening is it feeling this good can it be this easy yes yes exactly I was like well I didn't even have to go back and reread that book or the notes it just happened you are the book now that's this that's the cool stuff I love that you are your notes like they're alive in the cells of your body instead of a on a piece of paper.

SPEAKER_00 38:22

Yeah yeah and and I understand that now that that was a concept that just it didn't it never made sense before um they don't they don't teach you that like everybody talks about it like everybody knows it like you should just know how to do it um and and that really is the difference in working with you is you you teach us how to do that it's not just something you talk about. Yeah so what was some of your or what are some of your favorite things inside of air um what has been working for you well there's there's so much but again the the biggest thing for me is that there are so many opportunities to just jump online and be with other people um I mean in a month what there's probably 10 to 15 chances at least um and I you know I pop into as many as I can because it just um you know I'm with people who get it I'm with people who have seen me be vulnerable and still accept and love me. Um you know it's not just me here feeling lonely and broken like it's you know it's a community of amazing people who who get it and who care about this work and um it just for me has made a big difference that rather than just feeling like I'm home trying to work through this alone.

SPEAKER_01 40:32

Right.

Community Practice And Being Seen

SPEAKER_02 40:34

Yeah which so often we get then stuck in the stories about oh it's not possible for me I'm not doing it right but when we have that community and that reflection we see because we also start to see that I mean this is a a hack right this is a trick that I'm adding into the community because you'll much easier see this pattern in other people you will see their self-rejection that you will see their self-judgment and you're like but that's not true about them. Yes and then you start to realize oh so maybe it's not true about me either yes yes exactly like oh they're all sitting with this shitty story but I'm admiring them and I think they're lovely people so maybe that goes the other way too yeah that is I love that that's a beautiful beautiful point because I do feel that every single time and it's not something I've seen or believed in myself um you know my whole life yeah now we need that we need that reflection we need I mean we do need to go in and do the work you know learn to self-regulate learn to be with that part of us that is hurting the most and feel it but we also do need to sit in spaces with others because that's where the wounds and the patterns and the protection mechanism have gotten created so it's so much easier to sit in front of someone that you don't have a long history with and don't don't and don't have baggage with and to just like hey what happens for me in my body when I say this out loud or when I try to ask for what I want so that we can slow everything down right because now nothing is on the line like we're not gonna ruin the weekend or we're not gonna break the relationship because we're trying this out we get to do it but there's not a high cost to it.

SPEAKER_00 42:38

So we just yes we're allowed to fumble exactly yeah and then you know we'll do partner work.

SPEAKER_02 42:47

I I remember doing an exercise um when we were in pairs um you know asking asking for what we wanted from um you know dominant and submissive attention and even well you know first of all the first couple times that I even said it it it came out so awkward you know and then would get better and better but even like the person that I'm working with on the other side hearing them go through it you know and like the first time it it being like fluffy and awkward and like like just seeing the per progression in myself and um the other people like it's it's it's amazing and it it it works and I would never do that here at home alone like right also having the container and like this is what we're doing now for 20 minutes and you're just gonna sit in the uncomfortableness of this and what's coming up when you want to ask for what you want and how you want to turn it into a complaint instead or say everything you're not getting and I actually have to reframe it and just stay here and say it this way and see how the other person's little animal body picks up on that. Like if you're really there congruently with your whole will saying what it is that you want.

unknown 44:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 44:16

Exactly yep yeah beautiful thank you for yeah sharing that piece it's really what I love about ERA too I mean there are many so many things it that's the fun thing with building a a program or a container community like that. I get to build it in all the ways that I that I love and all the things that I've missed like doing this work as well.

SPEAKER_00 44:40

Like that same aspect of having other people To go through this with was because you know, I we just came back from Teo, I was on the Teo trip. Um, and that was one of the big pieces about Teo for me, uh, was having uh this group um of people to see me like the authentic me and accept me. And um that's that's I would never have considered that before. Um I'm extremely uncomfortable in groups. I don't want to be seen, you know. I I want to be the you know the kid in the back row listening. Um right.

SPEAKER_02 45:35

So yeah, and then probably another part of us is longing to be seen, but we don't know and how that's gonna go, and we've had experiences of it that hasn't been fun. Um that's actually where I wanted to go next, too. So tell me more about okay, coming to Mexico, coming to Teotihuacan, which I call like a spiritual earthquake, right? If the if the online programs is like that cultivation of the inner garden and just showing up and doing the work and letting it like this new consciousness just trickle into yeah, your external relationships and your own nervous system, then Teotihuacan is like this big like shaking of consciousness. Or how would you describe it? How was it for you?

Choosing The Teotihuacan Trip

SPEAKER_00 46:26

Well, I'm laughing because it that's the line exactly that got me to to sign up. Um I thought, okay, well, Alchemy and Era has gotten me so far. I've experienced so many life-changing things in that, and I've I've grown to trust you, and you're saying, hey, if Alchemy and Era has has done this, like Teo, like, oh my gosh, an in-person program. So I'm like, oh god, okay. I I'm terrified of flying. I don't like groups, especially groups um comprised mostly of women. Um, I'm skeptical, but I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go see what it is. Uh she she hasn't steered me wrong yet. Um and I figured I'll get something out of it. You know, if nothing else, I've always wanted to go to Teo Teewakan because it's a UNESCO World Heritage site. So I thought, hey, well, if nothing else, it's at least a vacation that I've always wanted to take. Checking that box. Yeah. Um, it was uh Teo. You know, I I wish I could put logical words into the experience of Teo Tewakan. And everybody who comes back says this. It's like I I really wish I could help people understand how transformative it is, but the words just don't exist.

unknown 48:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:21

That makes it a little tricky for me too, like writing a registration page for it. Like it's like how do I talk about it?

Feeling Held: The Retreat Breakthrough

SPEAKER_00 48:33

Um it it was it was amazing. I I never in a million years thought I would be like initiating co-regulation, like full-on embraces with you know strangers from the internet. Um, many of which are now certainly gonna be lifelong friendships. Um, you know, we even met up last night um on Zoom just to to catch up together. Um, Teo, I mean, there's so many things about it aside from just the energy of that place and being guided by you. Um I've never felt so held and loved unconditionally. Um not from another human and definitely not from myself. Um until Teo. Um coming home, I I just felt like I was breaking out of a prison like that I've been confined to my entire life. That's the best way I've been able to figure out how to explain the feeling. It's like I shed hundreds of pounds of just boundaries and you know things I put on myself. Um I just feel free. Um and it uh the experience in in Teo just really like solidified and deepened the progress I had already been making um from alchemy and in era.

SPEAKER_02 50:42

Is there anything that feels different after Teo and like coming back and doing the era practices or yeah, or just being at home and in your own skin?

SPEAKER_00 50:55

Yeah, well, I yes, it it changed a lot for starters. Um and this is odd and hard to explain. Um, but I've always struggled with like this deep intense loneliness. Um like it felt like a a physical, empty, painful hole, like an actual hole in my body my whole life that I could never fill. Um and I like coming home from Teo, I that hole feels full. Um, it's it's wild. It it it feels um just full, full of love, full of happiness. Um it's so hard to explain. I just feel like I can do this life and relating thing, um, even when it gets hard without drowning and dying in it. And um actually the going back into ERA after coming back from Teo, it's been um I also don't know how to explain it, but it has just made ERA and going through that program so much more vibrant. It just has kind of a whole different meaning um doing the exercises in the ERA program now.

SPEAKER_02 52:48

Yeah.

Loneliness Fades And Life Gets Vivid

SPEAKER_00 52:49

I mean, it was awesome before, but it's it's just like it's great, it's great now, you know, it's different.

SPEAKER_02 52:59

Um I'm excited you're saying that that because it's that is the experience I have of it too, in a sense that with alchemy, it's the same, and with era as well. It's like it's built, it's created from a place inside of me that carries a lot of the Teotihuacan energy and consciousness. That's that's where a lot of my work like started. But I know that not all people will experience Teotihuacan. I will we'll try to get as many as possible to do that. And I'm planning to add trips so we can do that maybe twice per year. So I know that people will come in and they will experience it at one level, they'll experience it from where they're at, which is completely fine. And like you said, it's going to be super helpful. But once you've gone to Teotihuagan and gone through the teachings, I think it's it just falls into place both what I'm pointing at, like both both what I'm teaching, because you start to have a new experience of what is really possible. It isn't just just about getting out of suffering or or getting to that piece, like there's so much more. Like the experience of love, there's something so much more that's possible than we could even than I could have ever dreamt of with my mind, and where I was like coming at it before. So for me, like the scale kind of tipped from doing, oh, I have to fix this, I have to heal this so that I can survive so that I can breathe. But then it became, oh my god, how good can it get? I just want to cultivate this feeling of love inside of me. So I think there's something with that, like, and I love that you're saying that, that vibrancy of the era practices is like it's like you see it in a different light, it has a new dimension to it. Yeah, exactly. I'm I'm so happy to hear. I mean, this your journey. I think, yeah, what we mentioned, there was a readiness for it. There was like a maturity to like just give me the right point me to the right place, and I'll be able to just like embody it. And and um it's just amazing to hear what you've been able to do and experience with it in you know, in six months. It's hard, it's hard to believe that it's six months.

SPEAKER_00 55:46

It's it is it is hard to believe. I you know, I still I'm still like, is this real? Uh like am I pinch me, you know, or not.

SPEAKER_02 55:58

Yeah. Well let me dream.

SPEAKER_00 56:00

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 56:02

Yeah. No, and it's it's so tangible. And I mean, you've experienced it in Teo, but you see it inside of Era too, the people that you're sitting with, when you start to see the change in their faces, in their body, and it's so clear in you, too, right? You're like how you came in six months ago is very different to like just how you look, how you carry yourself, how you talk. Yes. And that's and it's it's not that we become someone else, it's just that we've, like you said, shed a like a ton of old baggage and protection mechanisms and beliefs that were like uh weighing us down. So now it's like more of our radiant authentic self can just come through without effort. It's nothing we have to work for.

SPEAKER_00 56:53

Yeah, I can't believe how easy it is. Like it just happens, it just happens. I don't have to think about it or read that textbook, it just it just is, it's in me.

SPEAKER_02 57:09

Ah, that's it, right? Life is right there in me. It wants to come out in a certain way, and all I need to do is listen.

SPEAKER_00 57:18

Yeah, yeah. I've um I've I've never I've never known myself better. Like I, you know, I'm a highly introspective person, I've done a lot of inner work, um, but I for the first time now feel like I know my authentic self. Um, and it it's it's changed so many other aspects of my life. Um, even like um dancing. I mean, you know, I I taught salsa for many, many years. It was always um really hard for me. You know, it it was hard being that close to another human. My my body was uncomfortable. Um and now like I it I do it and I feel free, like I feel like I move differently. Like it's it's just it's it's just been so transformative, and I never I I never thought this was possible ever it is.

SPEAKER_02 58:43

This this is doesn't it seem like hard looking back at the other thing that we've been doing? Like that seems harder now. I know it is for me, like all the protection mechanism and trying to figure it out and and I know it's exhausting, it's it's exhausting. No wonder we're too tired and like nothing is working and nothing feels fun, right?

Authentic Self: Freedom In Body

SPEAKER_00 59:13

Yeah, yeah, no, it it felt hopeless and exhausting and um never ending for a long time. And um, you know, now I'm just I'm just hopeful. I'm I'm beyond hopeful. I've I've seen all this improvement in um, you know, there are still hard times, like right, you know, I people always talk about wanting to to be healed, but it you still have to go out into the world where you're you know interacting with people who are gonna trigger you and upset you and have different viewpoints than you. And you know, I now have the capacity to know I can I can deal with that. I can, you know, I can uh I can feel the feelings, I can feel myself start to get activated and want to react or shut down, but I don't have to, and I and I and I don't and I don't have to think about it anymore. At first I did, like, okay, I'm feeling this. I know I have the tools, what do I do? Yes, you know, that's how it was in the beginning in alchemy, and now it just it just happens, it's just in in in my my DNA now, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:39

Right. It's in the muscle memory, just like learning to dance, right? In the beginning, you're like, oh, what am I, what do I do with my arm here, and then and then it's just there. Yeah, yeah. And that's the um uh that's the real treat, like on the other side. What when you show up, when you put in the time, and it doesn't have to be like hard effort, just like come in and play, come in and try it out. Yeah, put five minutes attention on it, just uh do it again, breathe, oh notice, okay. And what you're getting, like the gift you're getting, is exactly what you're talking about. It's like it's being able to dance, it's being able to be free, it's being able to relate, it's being able to be your authentic self in the world, like yeah, not with effort, but because you've been sinking through the layers of the other stuff we put on top of it.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 1:01:36

Yeah. Well, I'm thrilled that that this has been your experience, and I am this is this is the nourishing part for me to see people taking the the red pill and daring to really go in there and finding themselves, like coming home to themselves. Because it is a feeling, it is a felt direct experience inside. And for me to see this happening in the community with people, like that's uh yeah, that's that's what I want the world to be like, and that's why we're doing this work.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:25

Yeah, I I love it. I'm I'm so thankful my your algorithm somehow found me.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:35

Um yeah, yeah, some good things can come from ads. We don't know how they're gonna, you know, how things are gonna find us. Beautiful. So Emerson, anything else that you wanna add to people just listening, maybe people feeling hopeless or doubting, or is it possible for me?

SPEAKER_01 1:02:58

Or yeah, anything that you wanna add to what you've already shared?

SPEAKER_00 1:03:05

Other than you know, the the cliche saying, like, if I can do it, you can do it. It's so true. Um, it's so true. I I didn't think it was possible, you know. I have had the um a very challenging childhood, lots of traumas. I thought I was broken beyond repair. Um, and I and now here I am. I never thought I'd be sitting here in this position of telling other people that they absolutely can can get here too.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:50

Yeah, I love that. People need to hear that, I think, from many different places to even start daring to hope.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:00

Yeah, yeah, because I I had lost all hope. Yeah, there there was none left.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:05

Yeah. And you took the step anyway, because like what else is there to do? Yeah, I'll keep trying things.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:14

I you know, I have a free hour on my hand, I'm unemployed. Let's let's see what this lady on the internet thinks she can do. You did it. Here we are.

Hope, Next Steps, And Closing

SPEAKER_02 1:04:29

Six months later, it's almost like I want to send you back to that point in time, like your future self, you know, visiting your past self and just like, hey, hey, like do this because it will lead you here. This is what's coming. Yeah. Well, beautiful. I am so happy, Emerson, and I am yeah, looking forward to continue this work with you inside of ERA. And I I have a feeling that you'll come to Teotihuacan again.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:08

I cannot wait to go back to Teotehuacan. I I I didn't want to leave. As soon as I left, I knew I would be back.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:21

I think we might up and like we might end up just adding one more day and one more day and one more day, and you know, it'll be two weeks and then it'll be a month, and we're just staying there.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:32

That you know, that I've already I've I've already started thinking of a plan to make that happen.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:39

Amazing. Yeah, I was also sitting the other day, and I was like, okay, if we add, if we do them twice per year, if I do in November and then February, and then I just stay, you know, in between. I just stay in Mexico and you know, I'll live by the pyramids or by the beach, who knows? But you know, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:59

You know, I I those thoughts have crossed my mind. And I I started a little side gig to make extra money because I was like, oh, Tao, two times a year I'm in. How am I gonna do this?

SPEAKER_02 1:06:17

I love it, and it's actually it's it's what I started doing too. I'm like, oh, this is what I want to do. I want to go on these trips. They're giving me like everything, they're giving me my life back, they're giving me myself back. I'm gonna, if I need to put in extra m hours to to do that, like, yeah, hell hell yeah, it's worth it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:06:39

Yeah, I'll I will I will make it happen that, you know. Yeah, I don't need that. Starbucks latte. I need my hits of the pyramid of the sun.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:52

That's right. Way better than Starbucks coffee. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Looking forward to seeing you in person again in Teotihua.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:05

Yeah, me too. Oh, I can't wait. Yeah, me too. And I'm gonna give you the best hug because oh, you know, I'm I yeah, I even showed up at Teo with, you know, my guards up and um you know, you hug everybody, and I, you know, I maybe do the one arm hey, pat you a little bat on the shoulder. Like, are we done here? You know, and now I just you joined the hugging cult and I recognize it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:46

I I've told the story to you guys in Tevde Okantu, like I was the same when I came. So that's also for me. That's not like I I let everyone be exactly where they're at. Like they get to bring whatever they need in that moment. I I know where I was at, and that's just so welcome. I know that all of this will crack open. If not, you know, if not the first couple of days, then towards the end of the week or even the next time, it's like I, you know, when we're ready, when we're ready to put it down. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:25

Yeah, it it took a couple of days. The first two days, I I had some things to get through.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:33

Um, I had to work through some some things. Uh, and after that, wow.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:41

And it's almost that's the trajectory too, right? That's how it goes. It's like you're gonna meet with that in the first half of the week. Like we're that's why we're sitting in hell. That's why we're like going into the underworld of things, but it's because your willingness to meet with that that then kind of brings this openness and this high, this sense of elevation and like emptying stuff out so that love can just like rush in and fill you.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:14

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 1:09:15

Yep, yeah, and we're just sitting and laughing and nodding. I think you were said something like that at the end of your message, too. Like, you're like, I'm just smiling because I know that other 18 other people knows exactly what I'm talking about. And that's yeah, we're putting words to things that can't really be described, but they're pointing to something that we both know what it is, right? It's like exactly that thing.

SPEAKER_00 1:09:44

That thing. Yeah. So yeah, I I can't wait. I can't wait to go back. Um, I can't wait to keep going through era. Um, I can't wait to bring other people on this journey. I can't wait to see people experience Tao for the first time. Um yeah, this is it's it's just beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:15

Thank you, Emerson, for coming on. Thank you for your openness about your journey and what you've experienced. It means a lot that you want to share about it. Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:28

Yeah, thank you, Ava.