Listen to a great conversation about being an older mom. Maria is so inspiring to listen to because of her journey to become a mom at 50. The process is a true miracle, and happily for Maria and her family, all the pieces fell into place to make it happen.
We talk about her journey, her career as a physician assistant in neurosurgery specializing in deep brain stimulation. We discuss the management of her own health, as well as work-life balance and making fitness a priority. And everything in-between that made it possible. We also reflect on the loved ones we have lost and preserving our language and traditions as we raise our children.
Listen to a great conversation about being an older mom. Maria is so inspiring to listen to because of her journey to become a mom at 50. The process is a true miracle, and happily for Maria and her family, all the pieces fell into place to make it happen.
We talk about her journey, her career as a physician assistant in neurosurgery specializing in deep brain stimulation. We discuss the management of her own health, as well as work-life balance and making fitness a priority. And everything in-between that made it possible. We also reflect on the loved ones we have lost and preserving our language and traditions as we raise our children.
Hola, hola, mi gente, Adriana here with Bien Fuerte, it's time to speak. And I have one of my friends, Maria here, Maria de Cuba. I have to say that I wanted to interview you long before I even had a podcast. We took belly dancing together and just seeing you pregnant. And then I heard that was your second pregnancy. And how old were you at the time? For my second one, I was 51. See that was inspiring. And I kept telling Amy, Amy, give me her number so that I can talk to her. And then it was so funny because I had seen you at Amy's party. And then I seen you at my last lady's place and you were cutting your hair cut. I was like, Oh my gosh, it's supposed to be this way. So thank you for being here. Thank you for being willing to just share your story. Your story, just shed so much light into other people's lives. It kind of lets them know that they're not alone. And that. Shit happens. There's all sorts of things that happen in our life, good and bad, that make us human. And that's all part of it. Our journey, everybody's journey is valuable and sometimes you think I'm not doing it right or I should have done it this way. And I spent a lot of time doing that. But You know, you asked me, Are there certain things you don't want to talk about? And, and I thought, No, I mean, you caught me at a time. It was like kismet that we ran into each other when we did because this is a moment where I'm just really coming into appreciating. That, my story is valid and that I don't have anything to hide a year ago. I might've been like, Oh, I don't really want people to know I'm such an older mom. I'm just, you know, I look younger. I think that you do, you told me a little bit, but I feel like I look younger. I don't, I don't have to give up my age. I'm married to this man who was 17 years younger than I am. And so if people know his age. They'll probably just be like, Oh, she looks like she might be a couple years old or so, you know, maybe 40, 42. So why they don't need to know that. Right. And then, you know, recently I, I started to realize like my kids are getting to the age where they're really focused on who's turning what. And my daughter's like, I'm four and I'm almost your size. She started to get excited about growing up. Eventually. And she'll go, daddy, how old are you? And he'll say 37. And mommy, how old are you? I'm 54. And then it's like, right now, those numbers really don't mean anything to her, but eventually in just a couple of years they will. And her friends are going to be like, well, my mom's this or your mom. And I don't want my kid to feel like there's any reason to be embarrassed about who their mom is or how old she is or how this journey came to exactly, exactly. So yeah, this is like, this is the perfect time. You know, growing into that it takes a while. It takes experience to kind of be at that point where you're like, you know what? This is me. I'm bringing all of me. This is who I am. And if you like it, that's great. If you don't like it, that's okay. Because I'm teaching my daughter. You know what? Some people are not going to like you and that's okay. Not everybody has to like you or what you did or, your life. So, yes. So Maria, tell us your story. Give us like work. So well, I probably had a little circuitous journey to get to where I am because in college I sort of was, partying a little bit and not settling down. And then when I finally did settle down, it was with somebody that I really realized over time. I didn't love him. I never. Did, but I didn't know what love was and I didn't understand and I had insecurities from childhood trauma and so on that I didn't really understand what that was supposed to be like, what's it supposed to be like when somebody really loves you and just cares about you and treats you with so much respect and you. Decide that this is the person worthy of sharing a life with. You know, I, when I met my current husband, I had just gotten separated and I was like, I'm going to play the field. And then I met this guy and I was like, why do you check every single box? You're not supposed to you're you're too young. And actually then it started out as like, well, because you're so young, I'm just going to have fun with you. Yes. So I think that was actually kind of the recipe for our success. Insane chemistry. And then we're like, there's no strings attached. We can just have fun. And then because of that, we were our true selves. And you know, that's the lesson from that is just be your true self, no matter. But you're with, because they're not worth it if you can't be that true self. And so in finding that you know, I remember just thinking like, Hey, you're, you're a lot younger and I'm kind of past the age where I'm going to be a parent. And that was one thing about my ex husband is he didn't want to have kids. And, I sort of thought, okay, well, maybe I don't want to have kids. And I sort of suppressed that part of me. And you know that that's fine too. But then when I met my current husband, Matt I didn't want to do to him what I felt had been done to me. We're here. My, reproductive years had gone as I thought they were behind me. And then now it wasn't even a choice. So I wanted to make sure he was very clear and he was sort of where I was. In my previous relationship world, like, okay, well, if you don't really want to, it's okay. We can have a fun life without it. And then come to find out we had, I had a scare and I came to him very worried. Like, Hey. I think I'm pregnant and this was kind of crazy because neither one of us had talked about this or wanted it, or, we said we didn't. And then when I finally, you know, the normal cycle thing that happens happen. And I was like, Oh, I guess I'm not pregnant. We were both really deeply sad. Oh, and so then we were like, Oh, I guess we have something to talk about. We talked about it and then long story short. So I met him when I was 46 and this conversation was happening at 48 and then we saw immediately. So I, interestingly, it was a previous personal trainer told me my sister just went through fertility treatments and. At your age. I think you should see someone right away. And I, I have so much gratitude to Morgan for that because she, if it wasn't because she said that I could have wasted the last year or two, I had that a fertility doctor or an obstetrician would really feel safe going through this journey with me. So we immediately saw someone and we were kind of shocked at the numbers like, Oh yeah, your ovaries just, they're not. They're not like the factory's getting ready to close. This is going to be really hard without help. So then we you know, saw all the options and, and really the best and the fastest option was just to use a donor egg. So. That was, that's actually been part that I've had struggled with the most because when people are like, Oh, your daughter looks just like your husband and things like that, I'm happy for that. But then there's this little part of me that's like, Oh, I couldn't give that. But finally it's like, there's so much more like when you carry a child, you mix DNA with them. And their personality is. Like with you all day. I mean, they're, they're your child 100 percent more than, than just having provided a, a cell, right? And even with those adopted parents, cause I don't know if you know Tamra, Tamra's adopted. No, I didn't know that. Yes, she's adopted and her parents are her parents. They chose her. They took care of her. They raised her. They loved her. She's nothing like them. But at the same time, she's so much like them because of that community. You carry that child. There's so much to be said about that as well. Well, I thought about people with adopted children and I thought about, you know, we know. Three families that are queer gay, you know, the two male and one female where they have children and they've had to do the donor thing I don't think at all of them that they're any less of parents or that those children are. So I started to ask myself, why do you judge yourself with a harsher lens than you judge anybody else? Because it comes back from our parents. So I was going to come back to that, your backstory. I grew up with a single mom, my dad came into my picture a little bit later on and then he passed. So there was a moment of closure. It was good. It was good. I felt I spent the time that I needed. I forgave whatever I felt like I needed to. And I asked him for forgiveness. You know, it was his last year is his last few months of his life. I was glad that I. was able to take that in and take advantage of the short time that I had to get to know him, to record his voice, you take care of them. You groom them. You love them. Whatever it is. I have a stepson as well. I had problems. Getting pregnant. I actually got, well, I shouldn't say I had problems getting pregnant. I had problems carrying the pregnancy to term. So I had two miscarriages and I was an older mom, right? I was 37 the first time and 38 the second time, you know, and so I have lost those and it was just so heartbreaking. And I came to terms with, you know, if Jameson's going to be my only son, well then. And I'm going to love him and he's going to be perfect and we'll have so much more income for other things. You know, I came to terms. I know. Because kids are expensive. It took a while. I took, I went through a grieving process of that, but like you said, it's just it's all the same. And I love him. It's it's hard. We're different. He's half Chinese and white. My husband's white and I'm Mexican. And just some of the culture things are very different. So you just come to terms with that. And Sofia is so much more like me. She is such a Latina. And loud and your face and says it like it is still sensitive, but yeah, it's true. Like, like a Latina that just, yeah. And then you think about the people who are 100 percent their parents DNA and then they come out like totally different people. So it's just not that simple. Not that simple. Yeah. I'm very happy. I've come to terms with this and I'm, proud of what happened. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm proud of, like, I was so intentional about these children, you chose it. You, that was it. You chose the egg. You for both of them. Yeah. So they're what my obstetrician likes to call twiddlings. They were twins in a lab. They were fertilized from the same donor, but they're, mad sperm and they used it to fertilize. An egg from this same donor. We look at these girls sometimes and we laugh because we're like, one of you could have been the older one. Like Fiona's our little one. And we're like, you could have been the older one. And boy, would we have been angry if that had happened? Because Katarina was the hard baby. And we would have been like, what? This is not what I signed up for, but at least we went in eyes wide open because our first was a very. Difficult baby to get to sleep. And I mean, you had to tiptoe like crazy or on her and the, if she, and if you breathe too loud, she would wake up. And then Fiona came along and like, you set her down in the bassinet the first day in the hospital and she was out. So we got the easy one second, but it's really funny to think about the fact that they're, they're kind of twins, they're 21 months apart and, you know, had I not been 50. At the time of my first delivery, so I got pregnant at 49 and then delivered just after a couple months after my 50th birthday. And then I had to rush to get that second baby in me because really 50 is the oldest that they sort of cut you off. Wow. But the fertility doctor she said, you know, if your obstetrician wants to certify that she'll take care of you, that's all we need. We just need someone to say you're healthy and have to go through with it. And honestly, my OB would tell me all the time, you're healthier than. Like half of my 35 year olds, so I had no problems. I really had two easy pregnancies. I mean, you know, pregnancy, easy in quotation marks, right? Cause it's big, you're big, you're swollen, you're, yeah, you can't breathe. But they were all the normal things you were supposed to be experiencing during pregnancy, never had even like high blood pressure. So. They were, they were easy. So my OB was like, yeah, sure. Of course you can have a second. but I didn't have the luxury of time to say, Oh, let me just totally soak up this baby till she turns one. I was like, okay, you're nine months old. I got to get on this now. Had to wean her and the whole thing. I'm really glad actually that happened because these two are best friends now. I mean, time will tell if they stay that way. I tell my husband it's going to be this way till one of them steals the other one's boyfriend. But right now they're just besties and they play with each other. And if we can like have a conversation, cause the two of them are off playing and you know, their pretend world and all this stuff, they're, they're adorable. That is so perfect. I have a single 10, so it's a little bit challenging, you know, because Jameson is 10 years older than Sophia. I look at pictures of Sophia and I, we have the same nose and some of the same things, but it really does. Like show you how different and the same it could be because personality wise, we are a lot alike. As I raised her, I really have to, it's like going back to my childhood and really having words for emotions and really understanding that, right? I'm touring the schools now. Like I, I nearly like teared up when I, you know, went through this, this Elementary school that went up the stairs. And I was like, these stairs, all elementary schools have the same stairs. And it was just like, wow, what a flashback. It is powerful. And I can't believe it's already time for doing that stuff. But right. So is that the preschool? I'm kind of looking at everything to see if we start it earlier or if we just wait it out at the, you know, keep her at the preschool and then do a regular kindergarten start. So, yeah, it's great. It's a part time job right now. It is. I wouldn't have put Sophia into Montessori school had my neighbor not been in Montessori school. I had a, caretaker and she was Spanish, so I love that, right? You know, you gotta preserve the language. Yeah. And my neighbor was like, I'm putting Dave in to Montessori school. You should look into it. And I was like, wow, I don't know. She's three. Yeah. But that's perfect. That's when they start and they teach them all the skills, right? And it's socialization because it would have been just her. Yeah. That was a good turn for me. Everything happens for a reason. I mean, that's, that was part of what I was telling you. Everything, every turn, every mistake, everything you've ever done, it landed you to the place that you needed to be so that you become who you really are. And sometimes it's, it's fun, easy, light, and sometimes it's dark, hard, rough, but it's, it's perfectly for the way you're supposed to be, like right here and right now. It's the way it turns out. And like I said, some people grow up with two parents or one parents. Did you grow up with two parents? My parents got divorced when I was probably 10, they were separated when I was seven. And then it was like an extended because it's like, they didn't want to be divorced. My dad was kind of a naughty guy. But they truly had this love you know, for what it's worth, the machismo Culture of Cuban men. I'm married, but that doesn't mean I'm dead, right? So they were divorced, legally divorced for probably four years. And then I had the pleasure of witnessing my parents wedding. Most people can't say that because they remarried when I was 15. And I wasn't old enough to be a witness, but my brother was, and he was a witness to my parents remarrying. And then My dad moved back in and that was a rough time because I was like, Whoa, whoa, wait, your rules are a little off the hook here. Mom and I've had this figured out. And I don't know if you noticed, but I grew up a little bit since you last lived with us. So that was like some growing pains, but. Is she, was she American? American? No, Cubans. They met in Cuba. They met in Cuba. They had some friend who introduced them and then they got together. And within nine months, they're like, let's get married and get out of here. This is bad here. And they fled the Castro regime. And my mom was seven months pregnant when they got here. And my brother, luckily, wasn't. Born premature or something. He was born here and then of course they were poor immigrants So it took them several years to decide they're gonna have number two and try for the girl and so there's so much there There's so much there. Was she were you here in Seattle or oh, no, Miami so I've been in Seattle for 18 years and that was My ex husband's idea to move to Seattle. So we were dating and I was like, well, why don't we get married then and move? That's one of those situations where I think that was a mistake, but then I think, no, look where I am now, nothing I've done until this point could be a mistake because it landed me here. But in other times I would have said. That was a mistake because really then I was married to this guy and I should have seen earlier that he wasn't for me, but because it went the way it went, and then I met Matt when I did everything worked out just fine. But that's how I ended up here. And what's funny is he did too because his ex who he wasn't married to but like basically common law for seven years, they moved here because of her. And so we had the same story when we met that, oh yeah, someone else brought me here. But now they left and I've stayed and I really like it here and, I really like you. So here we are. Isn't that crazy? You know what I was thinking when you were telling your story about like, you know, he was machismo and still wanted to continue to date because my dad, the same thing. Yeah, yeah. And I finally went to go visit. Some family members in Texas. That's where his he grew up at. So my cousin was telling me, Yeah, I just thought in pute and exactly. I see. Yeah. Pero si quieres aputear. Aputear. Hilarious. I just laughed. I laughed because she was there. The language is so rough, but it's so true. It's rough. It's rough. There's no euphemisms in Hispanic language. for better or worse. I know people have to deal with us. Exactly. But then, you know, even though I spent years judging my mom, like, ah, she's so, I can't believe it. She's so beautiful. She could have dated anyone. And then later on, I was just happy that my parents were together. Cause when he was dying and I saw those two together, it was love. And it's, that's what love does. It breaks down barriers, you know? That really touches you. It's tender. You have to remember that feeling and your kids remember that feeling because they are more in touch with it. As we get older, we get more jaded with life. Yeah. When did your dad pass? So he passed it was, let's see, I met Matt in 2015. He had a stroke in 2016 and then he died in 2017 after a year really of suffering because he was, you know, paralyzed on one side, it was, it was a sad year, but my mom was there by his side and and I was there by his side at the end and I got to be there for my mom. She died last year, just over a year ago. It was just early December was the one year anniversary. So that's rough. Yeah. Yeah. A little sentimental. Because we miss them. Yeah. I don't know what your view is about death. I've seen a lot of it, just, even just like me. Right? Yeah. It's, I've just come to terms with, you know, they're not really gone. Right. Their spirit is still around. I can feel my brother at different times. Yeah. and you can call them back, right? Because I spend time with their kids. And they just remind you so much of your brothers. And so it's just crazy, but I believe we are all just one, and that there's so much more to this life, and in so many, intricate patterns and details Sophia was born on the day my brother died. Oh boy. Yes, like a nine year difference though. It's so, it's just good. Oh, I was gonna say, not the exact date, right? Okay. No, not the exact date. Wow. But it brought a little bit of light there. Like, who's to say what that would happen? And every now and then, I'll feel. Their presence or their spirit or a funny memory and it just, it makes me laugh and cry at the same time because it's just, I don't feel like they're gone and yeah, I miss them and I watch their kids grow and you see them just so amazing considering they're not around. To see that again, a year since my mom died and she lived with us for like 14 months because she came out. Katarina was a newborn. And then she got grounded here. So she really had a third parent. You know, my mom, her grandma, her abuela was here though her whole beginning of her life, she was just part of it. So then when she dies, she's like, she doesn't understand what does death mean? You know? So it took months and months and months. I think she's finally getting it for her to realize that. Oh, I really am never going to see her again, but, like you said, through like, teddy bears with, you know, her nightgown that the girls got and looking at her stuff and just things, you know, her legacies here all around us. So. Yeah, we always tell her she's in your heart and you all you have to do is just stop for a moment and like, feel it because it's there. and they remember that like the crazy thing is like Sophia, she remembers. Even though she's never met him. She's seen all these pictures. No, there's enough there that she there's enough there that yeah, my that's my uncle and there was a lot of us. So was there just you two, your brother, two of us, my brother, me. And then it was really nice because, you know, this was our first Christmas, really normal Christmas without our mom. And so he flew out with his family and the eight of us spent it together and it was lovely. You know, she was always the connection. The reason I flew to Florida or you know, I mean, he, obviously they came for our wedding and things like that, but like, if my mom, when she was stuck here and she was having surgery, he flew out and, I wanted to make sure, you know, she's gone, but she would want us to still have reasons to go see each other. So we made sure we spent Christmas together and hopefully it's a tradition that, you know, we keep taking trips together or at least visiting each other frequently. It's a long flight, it is. And like they always say, like, Es una rama que tienes que regar. Una rama que tienes que regar. I like that. With anything. Any friendship, any adult. I have adult friendships and it's it's that. It's like you constantly have to want more. And I'm a lot closer to my sisters, but death has brought us a lot closer together. Yeah. And even with my brother, even with the amount of us. You have to appreciate the time that you have, cause that's going to pass. Right. And just be, enjoy it and be. Present. Just show up, be aware, be yourself and have that conversation and fight and talk and just, you know, I learned that like just straight up and like, all right, get over it. Are you done with that? Like you're still, you're still family. You can still have a conversation or say, Hey, I didn't say that quite well, or you know, we were all grieving. So it didn't come out all that right. Sensitive. Can we move past that? Yep. It's always there. It's always available. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. One of the things I've struggled with is being an older mom, am I going to be here less time for my girls then, you know, someone who had their kids at 25 would be, and yeah, probably, but that's also another thing that's like, you really don't know what life's gonna bring. I could live to be 102. You know, someone could get a terrible disease at 35. It's just whatever your path is and we don't even know what it is. But. Like you said, whatever it is, just assume it's not long because it really does fly by anyway. Yeah. And then that gives you more incentive. It gives you more incentives to take care of yourself, your health. Like your body is really the most important. It really is. It's the only home that you really live in. I mean, you're going to own all these other homes, but if you don't take care of yourself, you don't keep moving. That's incentive for me. I am an older mom, but I don't feel like that. I just recently trained somebody and I just started with her and she was just like, I just want to get on the court again. She was like a collegiate basketball player and she says, I'm just feeling old and she's 36. And I was like, Oh, I'm like 10 years older than you, girl. She's like, no way. I said, yes. I said, that's just the number now, like, have you ever seen those blue zones? People live to be longer if you take care of yourself, if you have community, if you have a sense of purposes, not just a purpose, but purposes, and you really are yourself. Like, you feel like you have something to give. And that is your story. That is a piece of work and art. It's your legacy. And you don't know how long you do have. So you have to own what you really have and take care of it. Feed yourself, good food, exercise, move. Get rid of the occasional flunk. The occasional flunk. Exactly. You know, everything in moderation. Even moderation. I say that because I just made my mom's flunk for New Year's Eve. Do you have a tradition for New Year's Eve? No, she just always made a flan when it was an important event, somebody's birthday, you know, whatever. That was her thing. She brought the flan. And everyone was like, Conchita, va a ser un flan. It was exciting. Even Matt's friends, all his American friends are like, Oh, I really liked your mom's flan. So yeah, now I have to carry the torch. So I started this year. Good. Oh, that is really good. It is. And, you know, you can start any tradition. I started ponche, just like when I came back from Mexico. Making ponche for Christmas, for Christmas Eve. You know, and it could be ponche that Ponche that kids can drink? Yes, ponche that kids can drink and then you, and then you put rum in your own. Okay, okay. But Sofia loves the ponche. She's like, Mom, are you going to make it? I was like, yeah. And my girlfriend that normally is with us, for Christmas Eve wasn't here. So I had to make it. Oh, okay. I don't know how. Oh, I see. You gotta take the torch. And it came out delicious, you know. And now this last year we started champorado, which is another drink, you know, una, una bebida, como se dice navideña, navideña. Navideña. Yeah, una bebida navideña. Champurría. Champoron. Champorado. And it's like made with masa. It's like a cornmeal. Oh, it's so good. It tastes like abuelita's chocolate. Wow. And then it's got cornmeal, so it's got a little heft in it. I have to look at that. We make crema de vie, which I also made this year. It's basically liquid flan. It's the same six eggs and leche condensada and leche evaporada. And there's just a minor difference. Instead of burning the sugar so it'll be on the top of the front. You just melt it and you pour this simple sugar into it, and then you're supposed to make it with rum. My rum, my aunt used to my tia. Cheeky. She would make it with like a whole cup of rum in there for like, what was the equivalent of a liter of. So hers was very spiked and it had to be very sweet, but you know, it's definitely not good if you are trying to keep the hemoglobin A1C down, becoming diabetic. That is a pure sugar drink. It's the sugar in the rum and the sugar in the drink. But I made it this year because I really wanted to make all my mom's things. Yes. So crema de billet is basically eggnog. Yes. I call it Cuban eggnog. Oh, good. And you know, it's just, it's that holiday, right? It's like that one special time that you get to make it. It's not like you have it all the time. Exactly. That's like, that's the difference. Like, I make it with real sugar. I make it with, they call it piloncillo. It's the more natural sugar. It's before it becomes refined. And it comes in like a little cute, in a, like a cone shaped thing. Have you heard of it? Piloncillo. Yeah. It's so good. And then cinnamon and everything. So I could see like, you're only going to have that, that time. So it's good to have those traditions. Those are the ones that are worth having. We do too, as Latinos have to think about like our genes. I just went and got my blood work done and I got, I got a high blood pressure and I eat really good. Yeah. You're the healthiest person. I'm happy. You're in the top five healthiest people I know. And she said it could be genetic and so we can take out these numbers and we can try a couple of these and she's like, just add more fiber and let's look at the other numbers and it's just great to have like a little pinpoint of your blood work done and be like, okay, what can I focus on? Because I do want to live longer. I do want to keep up with my girl. You know, I do want to run with her and do different things and get up and off the floor easily. Not feel like an old lady yeah. Douglas are this yoga teacher. We used to all take classes with and go on retreats with, he always said, if you can get up off the floor that adds 20 years to your life, like as long as you can do that, you have, much longer to live. So there you go. And that's why you look like you're 36. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Maybe I think 38 now. for flattering me. Kids do. Yeah. Thank you. I got, I got four gray hairs, I got four canas, and I named them. Oh my gosh. One of them is Matt, one of them is Sophia, one of them is Earl, and my last one is my brother Rocky. Oh wow. Oh my gosh. Well, I've made one for each night that my children have given me. So, how many, 365 times four? For that might be how many. Okay. I spent so much time being unhealthy earlier in my life that now it's time to be healthy. It's like, I have more of a purpose. And a reason to stay healthy. So yes, and we're women. I love to dress up and look good and feel good. So you, your mom came during COVID and that's why she got locked down, right? Yeah. She was just here to stay with me for two months. Cause I had a four month old. And she was the best, best mom ever. She was so helpful, dedicated, I still wish she was here to encourage me because parenting is hard, being a mom is hard. So to have someone tell, you you're so patient, you're so good, you're so, you know, it was like, oh, okay, thanks mom. I was really doubting my, my quality as a parent right now, cause I've slept two hours and it happens to all of us. Yeah. Maybe I'll get a shower soon. So she yeah, she was just here to help and she's super helpful. And like my lifeline and then yeah, COVID happened and we're like, no, you have every comorbidity that they have talked about that makes it a really bad disease to have. So you're not going anywhere. And she lived with us until, so she flew out in January. And then she stayed till the following March when she finally got her COVID vaccine series. We waited, we counted the days till like 14 to 21 days after her second shot and everything, like it was very coordinated because we were going to make sure she was protected. And she went home and then she came back, she was able to visit one or two more times. So that was nice. It wasn't like that was it, but that was just a nice. Chunk of time when people ask, like, what was the silver lining of COVID that's my major silver lining from COVID is having my mom here. Cause I don't think I otherwise would have had gotten to know her on such a deeper level and having her around and having her watch the struggles of, being a first time mom was really, it was really powerful. It was very valuable. And then now when I see that my, second child barely speaks any Spanish and I realized why it's because it's my fault. I don't do it. It's my mother was here and we would speak Spanish all day long and then Catherine would pick it up and you know, and they're both in a. bilingual preschool now. And it's cute. You know, they come home and they bring their Spanish songs home and yeah. And they stop on the floor or whatever. But I'm like, my everyday conversations are not the same in terms of bringing the Spanish in. It feels like, Oh yeah, right. I have to remember. And that's different from when she was here. And it was just, it's just what we did. It's a challenge for me. It's easy to switch back into the English. Her first two caregivers were Spanish speakers. And I and she's I know they answer me in Spanish. Nobody talks Spanish mom. I know. I did it myself. It's not cool. I know exactly. You just want to blend in. I went to bilingual elementary school, so it's my Spanish is good. But everyone else in my world speaks English. So it's very natural. Not to think it's in English I would make Kettering asked for milk. If she said, can I have milk? I'd say. I don't understand you in Spanish. Leche por favor. She finally remembered. Like learned how to say that and she would remember every time. Like she would immediately like shoot back with it. Leche por favor. She's like I know what's going to come next. And then, Fiona the little one, sometimes she'll say it. It's kind of funny to hear her because her Spanish is terrible. Adorable. So I try. I swear she's eight. So I just come to terms that I do my best. And when she's in high school, she'll pick it back up because she's not in a bilingual program right now at Maple. There is none. It's very challenging to get into the international schools, what a bummer. It's okay. It's okay. Because when we go to Mexico, like we just got back from Mexico and they talked to her in Spanish. And when Matt makes a mistake and says, No lo entiende o si lo entiende? Si lo entiende. Y si lo entiende. And when my husband will say something and say it wrong, she looks at me and laughs. Oh my gosh, you guys are like a Barbie movie. It's hilarious. I took her to that by the way. My Matt looks at his mother when we were watching the movie with her because she had never seen it and he looked at her and he's like, it's exactly like that mom. That's the same treatment. It gets like, no, it is, like you said, when I was younger, I just wanted to blend in. I didn't want to speak Spanish or be different. I didn't want to stick out because I really stuck out. I was in Homedale, Idaho. Just imagine that like, Oh my gosh. Six out of like our 50 students that spoke Spanish. And most of those were my brothers and sisters. Oh, my gosh, that's hilarious, right? She'll pick it up. Another mom was talking to me and she said my daughter was the same way. She'll pick it up later on. And now she speaks Spanish fluently. So don't worry about it. You just do your best. And we have that conversation. Yes. You know, you can understand so much more, can't you? She's like, yeah, I just can't communicate. Well, that's why we talk. Por eso lo hablamos, casa, cuando podemos. And it's a file. It's just a file in the brain that you can exactly access. And then, yep, you can add to it. File is there. It's waiting to be filled. And then the other thing I was going to ask you too, because you already hit on a lot. You already said in so many ways, but what does strength mean to you? Like, Qué es fuerte? Fuerza. Fuerza. Ah, that's a good one. It's feeling like you're at a low point and somehow figuring out how to pick yourself up. And doing it better and knowing that you weren't supposed to be perfect, I guess, you know, and you're never perfect. You just keep working towards better your whole life, yeah, you're trying to achieve it, but it's not that you get there. That's not actually the purpose. The purpose is to keep striving for better. Yes. So. I mean, I think I just came up with that right now, but I think that's all it is because I mean, the biggest struggles of my life is have happened in the last four years. Sure. I went through some stuff, but really the things that really challenged my identity and who I think I am, or I want to be to people, or, you know, I mean, like being a mom changes your entire world. Yeah. It does. You didn't even know you were this person until you step into those shoes. And so that, like these last four and a half years of that constant extreme under pressure growth. It's really, I think, has really matured my thinking for what is. What is strength and what is resiliency, really? That's so true. You learn it. You experience. You own it. And then you pass it on. And then they get it. Your kids get it. Your friends get it. Your community gets it in a whole different light. Like what affects them and their idea of strength is so different. I was going to say that in sharing it with your kids, like you say, sometimes you feel like, oh, I don't want my kids to think I lose my patience or, you know, I just want to show them the best side of me. But then what's important is that you realize that's just part of being human. And when I tell my kid, Hey, I'm sorry, I really shouldn't have lost my patience or I'm sorry I yelled at you or, I'm going to try to be better. You were teaching them so much. You're teaching them that it's it's okay to be wrong. It's okay to admit it. And so many times we're, we're embarrassed of something we did wrong. We hide it. And when you admit it, when you bring it out to the air, the light of day, it's liberating it's power over you goes away. Just being able to share that. With your kids is amazing because you get to see them blossom into this little person who never thought of that before. And now, and now there's this huge chunk of their personality that is new. And you open up dialogue too. I think that's a big one. It's like that must have scared you. And I know that was monster mom. I know that must have scared you. Mommy was scary. What did you think? And then they share and it's like, it's like a knife in the heart. It's a knife, but then you go through it together and then you, you do come out stronger on the other side. And then they feel like it's okay to make mistakes and they can go back and they can always, it's always an opportunity to open up dialogue. And I think if you can keep like, I keep reparenting myself because they didn't have that language, that emotional language that they're teaching the kids now in their class. There's a class. I know it's called emotional SEO. Yes. every school we've gone to, it's like our SEO. I'm like, well, it's a good thing I've been on five tours. Cause now I know what SEL stands for. I said, I needed that class. He's Sophia. What are you learning there? And she's like, Oh, the emotions. And Oh, you can have one more than one at the same time. And Oh, that's so great. Like I did not learn that it's so good. And so when Something like that happens, it's something to reference, like, oh yes, that's what happened. That's why I didn't really know how to do that. That's, we get dysregulated and kids are not convenient. Especially when you're in a store and they have a meltdown or they're sleepy, hungry, whatever it is. It's just so unconvenient. It's always the wrong time for them. It's always the wrong time. It is. So I hear you and it's having the ability to teach them and learn yourself how to regulate yourself because I can get triggered. There's something that'll happen. And I recently heard that you get triggered because it reminds you of something in your childhood. Those are the things that trigger you the most. And so knowing that now I'm like, Oh God, so much sense. Because her abuela died, she was having a hard time dealing with it emotionally. we were taking Katerina to play therapy for a little bit and you know, she would just go there and like the plan that the therapist had never really went, would go through because she was just like, I want to direct how I play and she would do her thing and play with her toys and whatever and not do the plan for the day. But eventually the therapist was like, really, what's important is that, number one, you have your one on one time with her. That's super valuable to her. But number two, really all I'm teaching you is to regulate yourself. Regulate your own emotions because you co regulate and that's going to be how she learns to regulate. And I was like, Oh, okay. Well, that's a lot harder than just bringing her to you and having you pull out some dolls and have her talk about how she feels. So anyway, so that's the, that's the next. Milestone. Oh my gosh. It's so good too because we grow at the same time. Yeah. As she's going through that you're learning that and as we're talking about like how my thing this last year is just how to self soothe. Isn't that crazy? Yeah. How can I teach? Mama needs some quiet time too, baby. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta go. So it's so helpful. It really is. Because it used to be their sleep, right? That's what they needed to regulate themselves. And then it, it switches from sleep to like, play to like reading. Mm-Hmm. to like just staying still. That is the most challenging thing for me as an adult and, I have high energy and I move and go as much as possible. So just to take the time out, just to sit still. Yeah. It's, it's work, but it's worth it. It's like I always get a nugget from some session that I just sit down just. That's amazing. Or walk or whatever that time is for yourself. Yeah. We all need it. Yeah. I'm learning how to do that too with the help of my husband. It's good. You can say that like mom and I need some little bit of time and I will be back. Even on vacation, because it's vacation, you know, with your family 24 7, right? And so I would get up a little earlier just to take a coffee and yes, go look at the ocean and just not have to take care of anybody but myself. And then I would come back ready. I'm ready to conquer. All right, Maria. Thank you so much. I feel flattered. It's so great to hear your story. I was thinking about this before I got on the call with you is. We read so much about parenting, we read so much about art, and stories, and biographies, and non fiction, fiction, and movies, and everything, it's the way that pulls what we have out into the open, right? And then we learn from it. That's so much of what we do when we have a connection with other people, right? We hear their story and how they do it. I remember I told a mom, I was like, it's early release. And I forgot to pick up my daughter and she's like, yeah, I've done that too. It's hard. I was like, Oh, that's all you need. Sometimes it's like, Oh man, I made a lady cry at the container store. Cause I was like, a plus parenting mom, I'm listening. And I have a toddler too. You're hitting all the right things. And she just started crying. She's like, Thank you so much. It's so hard sometimes. And I was like, Oh my gosh, you're going to make me cry in the life. This is not what I was going for, but it was a beautiful moment. It just helps us Just like stand a little taller knowing that that does happen and it's okay as long as we correct it and move forward and and then share it with other people and that's what life is all about is doing it together and we're supposed to be right. Yeah. Supposed to share. Bye all. Okay. Okay. Bye bye.