3 Reasons You Need to Reframe Your Self Talk with Kelli Thompson

It Pays To Be Yourself: Reframing Your "Flaws" Into "Gifts"
 
Do you ever hold back because you’ve been told you were too bossy, sensitive, direct, or emotional at work?
 
Women leaders often get these labels even though they exhibit similar behaviors to their male counterparts. What women have been told is “unlikeable” about them can create self-doubt, and keep them from conforming to someone else’s leadership style.
 
However, what if your “flaws” are actually your best leadership gift? When you spend your time and energy trying to conform to someone else’s leadership style, you give your power away.
 
In fact, it pays to be yourself. According to Francesca Gino at Harvard, she found that people who behaved authentically (vs catering to what they thought people wanted) were 26% more likely to be hired.
 
I'll help you own what's unique about you and use these skills to make an impact. You'll learn how to blend this gift with your leadership values to lead with more confidence and create a career you love.
 
 What will the listener take away?
 1. Identify the gift you've been hiding because you've been told you're "too much" and how that impacts your energy
 2. Learn how to reframe your flaws into gifts so you can stop hiding and speak up at work
 3. Uncover situations that call for your unique approach and how to show up fully in those moments
 4. If time, a model for speaking up and advocating at work

Kelli Thompson is a women’s leadership coach and speaker who helps women advance to the rooms where decisions are made. She has coached and trained hundreds of women to trust themselves, lead with more confidence, and create a career they love. She is the founder of the Clarity & Confidence Women's Leadership Program, and a Stevie Award winner for Women in Business—Coach of the Year. She is the author of Closing The Confidence Gap: Boost Your Peace, Your Potential & Your Paycheck.

Thank you for joining me ~ here are some other resources for you!

JJ's new book Seeking: https://www.amazon.com/Seeking-Findings-Energy-Sidestep-Self-Doubts/dp/B0BKQCWJ62

Join me live in my energy community: https://www.togetherweseek.online/

Visit my website for retreats and free resources: https://jjdigeronimo.com/

My energy podcast Together We Seek: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1923001

Transcript

JJ & Kelli Thompson

[00:00:00] JJ Digeronimo: Hello. Hello. It's JJ DiGeronimo and I could not be more thrilled to be with Kelly Thompson today. It's a pretty exciting time for her.

[00:00:06] She just launched her first book, The Closing the Confidence Gap, and I think for many of us, confidence pops up all the time. So today's topic is three reasons you need to. reframe your self talk. Now, this is not something I knew off the cuff. In fact, I had to take many mindfulness classes to even recognize self talk.

[00:00:29] And so I'm really excited to jump in with Kelly today to talk about her journey, this topic, and women in leadership, which is such a popular topic, but often there's so many interdependencies that really prevent us from stepping forward or jumping in. So Kelly, thank you so much for joining.

[00:00:46] Kelli Thompson: Oh, thank you for having me. I'm excited to talk about this.

[00:00:49] JJ Digeronimo: Well, before we even get into self talk, can you tell us a little bit about what has really drawn you to this work?

[00:00:55] Kelli Thompson: Yeah. You know what drew me to the work is that I grew up in corporate America. , like probably many listeners and the majority of my time in corporate America was spent working for male dominated industries. 14 years of my career was in banking and finance. So it wasn't uncommon for me to be one of the only women in the decision making rooms or to look up at the leadership team and see all men on the top of that org chart.

[00:01:19] After that, I went to technology, which was equally male dominated. And so what really drew me to the work was I was in human resources leadership development and training and I just knew what it was like to be a woman and be one of the only women. And so I just grew this appreciation, this love for coaching other women to really show up and take up space and to have more confidence.

[00:01:41] And they would come to me with all their doubts and their fears and, , one of the things we're gonna talk about today, , their self talk. And we would have to have a lot of conversations about, , how to reframe it and how to succeed , in spite of sometimes being the only woman.

[00:01:53] And so that's really where the passion came from. And then when I left corporate America, , I recognized how big of a gap there. In offering leadership development programs that address the unique needs of women in the workplace. So I created one myself and then that eventually led into writing the book, , on kind of the same topic.

[00:02:10] And so really that, that's it in a nutshell, is I was passionate about helping women and thrive in a system. Sometimes that isn't always built for accelerating women into leadership.

[00:02:21] JJ Digeronimo: That is so amazing, and I know there's so many smart, interested, dedicated women in the workplace. I see them all the time, but many of them are individual contributors and sometimes first line managers. But it's really hard to break through to managing managers and even getting to those executive ranks.

[00:02:39] So how do you think the self-talk plays into all of that?

[00:02:43] Kelli Thompson: Yeah, so I think sometimes let's just kind of level like what is self-talk, What are we actually talking about? And the test that I love to give women, in fact, I, I. Pose this in the book as I, I ask, and I'll ask you the listener right now, what would you do if you had a little more confidence?

[00:03:00] And women often respond with, Oh, I would ask for a raise, or I'd go for that promotion that's on the job board. Or I would run for office, or I'd quit this job and I would go start a business, You know? And the dreams are easy, right? And so then I asked, Well, why can't you do that? And immediately the self talk comes in of, Well, I don't have enough credentials.

[00:03:18] I don't have enough experience. Oh my gosh, what if I fail? Or what if I succeed And then I have all of this exposure and I have all these critics on the internet. I mean, that's the self-talk that comes in, you know, it's, it's part of the ego, that inner critic that says, Oh, you should be careful. I don't know if you can do that.

[00:03:33] Lots of times in corporate America, well, anywhere really, we call it imposter syndrome, which is the belief that, you know, if we say yes or we get promoted, that we're gonna be found out that all of our success so far was just luck, or we're not really as smart as we think we are and we're gonna be found out, that we're just not as good as, what was presented on our resume.

[00:03:53] And that's where. Self talk comes into these conversations. It's kind of like that inner doubt, that inner imposter syndrome, I call it the imposter monster that pops up when we think about there's a goal that we want to achieve, but all of our fears and concerns in our inner critic just starts to talk to us in our brain and tells us all the reasons why we can't or shouldn't do that.

[00:04:13] JJ Digeronimo: Yes. Yes, I know, and I just, I've started talking about this in many of the keynotes that I participate , in different women's groups. And you know, most women don't even know how often. Our self-talk is guiding our actions. So when you've really dove into all of this, I mean, how often do you think self-talk impacts women's decisions?

[00:04:34] Kelli Thompson: All the time. Let me just give you some data that I talk about in the book. So first things first, I just wanna normalize how common it is to have a negativity bias.

[00:04:43] So neuroscientists have found that ya know, people can think anywhere between , 12,000 and 60,000 thoughts a day. And that almost 80% of those thoughts are negative or repetitive. So , let's just normalize that there is a little bit of a negativity bias and let's just be aware of it. , Dr. Daniel Aman, he's a neuroscientist, he calls him ants. Automatic negative thoughts. And you know, some other statistics that we often see is that, , for instance, let's say like when men and. Are looking at a job that's being posted. I see this all the time. I saw it as a recruiter. The data backs this up is that if men look at that job and they meet, , 40 to 50% of the qualifications, if they're like, Ooh, this job looks cool, they'll go apply for it.

[00:05:25] Whereas women are like, Ooh, I don't know if I should do that. I should go get one more degree. I should get one, get one more Certification. I said, Should spend a little more time in my job, they will only apply for a job. When they meet a hundred percent of the qualifications. And so , I think there's just some data on how common it can be to just automatically think negatively. and then how that shows up and how that honestly impacts, , our potential and our paychecks at work and that we aren't applying for jobs, , , that we're fully qualified. Of doing. I actually call these thoughts expensive thoughts because these thoughts, right? I'm not qualified. I don't think I'm ready.

[00:05:57] Who am I to do this? What if I fail? , I don't have enough qualifications or credentials for this. I'm just not good enough. I call them expensive thoughts because these thoughts are costly to our piece, to our potential and our paycheck.

[00:06:10] JJ Digeronimo: Wow that is so powerful, expensive thoughts. I love it. I love it because I often think if you look at a room of women and the opportunities they've passed up because they're only 80% qualified or 90% qualified, and they've still passed on the opportunity, how much has that cost them, not only in their self-efficacy, but their self-esteem. And honestly, the impact because you and I both agree, we need more women at more tables and waiting till you're a hundred percent qualified is doing us all. No good.

[00:06:41] Kelli Thompson: Mm-hmm. , a hundred percent. Yeah. Men don't think that way. Again, from a former hr, I used to be in HR and men would apply for jobs or , they'd send me an email and say, Hey. This job looks really awesome. And I applied for it and they didn't stop and overanalyze the qualifications like, like the women did. And that was the first thing I noticed, , when I was in corporate America, was just the mindset difference. , or when they were promoted to leadership, as you were saying, , they were really putting a lot of pressure and, , inner self talk on themselves about showing up a certain way. Like,, Ooh, I have to be more masculine, I have to be more assertive, I have to be more this.

[00:07:15] Or if they were those things, sometimes they were penalized in terms of a likability factor. So they were constantly trying to self censor. So, you know, I think , this whole self-talk concept, , yes, gets into our doubts and creates our imposter syndrome. But I think we also have a lot of self-talk about who we think we need to be as women leaders to be successful,

[00:07:31] JJ Digeronimo: Mm. That is powerful. So really a first, just quick summary is one, 80% of our thoughts could be negative in impacting our decisions, and two, they can. Very expensive. Not only to our self-identity, but also our outward impact. So as we're thinking about this, I mean, how do you get a handle on this?

[00:07:50] So many of us have this, I know I have this and I still, six years later, after , starting my mindfulness practice, I recognize self-doubt almost every few minutes. So what's the best strategy for women to just recognize it, even if they can't adjust it right off the bat?

[00:08:08] Kelli Thompson: Oh, a hundred percent. And I love just how you normalized it, and I think that's key. And I, I have a little framework that honestly I even have to go through. And I just wanna normalize, you know, you, you mentioned that I'm launching a book, , I'm full of these negative self.

[00:08:20] Talk tracks. I just want people to know that just because folks have reached a certain level, we all share the human condition so it doesn't go away. And so one of the things I try to do is I just notice it with a ton of compassion. Like really just noticing, Oh my gosh, I'm having the thought that I am not qualified to write a book.

[00:08:37] I'm just gonna use that as an example. And just noticing that thought with tons of loving compassion. Like the type of compassion we would give to a friend, right? if they said that out loud. And then I just want folks to name it. So like I want you just to name what you're feeling inside. Okay. When I'm having the thought that I am not qualified to write a book, I'm just feeling doubt.

[00:08:57] I'm feeling imposter syndrome. I'm feeling nervous. I'm feeling insecure, I'm feeling overwhelmed. A little excited. And that by naming these emotions that we feel when we think these thoughts, it actually doesn't give them power. By creating language, it creates a little emotional resilience and it actually takes their power away.

[00:09:15] So I want you to notice it. I want you to name it, name what you're feeling in your body, and then the third thing is to do what you and I just both did Normal it. Normalize it. Normalize it. 70% of people report experiencing imposter syndrome. Folks like Michelle Obama has felt imposter syndrome. , I was interviewing Indra Newy about a month back.

[00:09:35] , she was the CEO of PepsiCo. She talks about feeling doubt at work every time she stretched her comfort zone. So I just want to normalize this feeling. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. It means that you're human and that you care about doing good work. And then I just want you to reframe it.

[00:09:49] So . Notice it, name it, Normalize it and reframe it. You know, really just kind of saying, you know what, , this doubt, this imposter syndrome, These hard feelings. This is what growth feels like. This is what's stretching my comfort zone, Feels like feeling doubt and feeling nerves, means I care about doing good work.

[00:10:06] Those are some of my favorite reframes. And then I always encourage folks to get into action and really taking that right next step that's in alignment with their values. What do you value in terms of your life or in your career, or what you wanna create in the next year? What's the right next tiny step that you can take your smallest, bravest next step in alignment with those values? Because one of the things I've noticed is that too many people believe that, Oh, when I feel confident, then I'll take action. But actually, confidence is a side effect of taking action.

[00:10:36] JJ Digeronimo: I love that and I love the smallest, bravest step I can take. What is the smallest, bravest step I can take? Because not just any step, it's the bravest step, which means that you have to step into something that you are thinking you're not ready for or it's not the right time, or could it, should it be you? And I think for so many of us, I think just giving ourselves permission to say, You know what, I'm 60% ready, but I'm gonna take a brave. to do something today to make those dreams come true. Hmm. I love that, Kelly. That's so good. I can't wait to read your book. I haven't. , on my wishlist is my next one. So closing the confidence gap.

[00:11:22] This is so exciting. So, you know, After we recognize it, after we take a brave step. I mean, the conditions that many women exist within now working from home, , what are , some of the dynamics that you think women can bravely work around, , that are set up against them in the workplace in many ways.

[00:11:43] Kelli Thompson: You know, so this is really interesting and I'm so glad you and I are talking about this today because, , the date that we're recording this, , in mid-October, the women in the Workplace report just came out today by, , Lean In and McKenzie. They found something really fascinating about this topic.

[00:11:57] They found that many women prefer to have a hybrid work environment because one of the things that they're finding is that women experience fewer microaggressions when they're not at the office. You know, fewer little slants about women or et cetera. And in fact, they're leaving jobs that require them to be in the office full time.

[00:12:15] And here's the big, and one of the things that women continue to say that they struggle with, and this was research done by Catalyst, is that women continue to struggle speaking up in a virtual environment. and there continues to be some difference in terms of what they call proximity to power. many men don't have the same restrictions about going to the office. Many women wanna stay home because they kind of have that dual shift. I have to work day and then I'm taking my kids around all night. And so working from home provides me this flexibility. But this whole proximity to power, , men being in the office all of the time because they have wives maybe that play that role, , they are in the office being seen.

[00:12:53] You know, little decisions are made sometimes when you're always in the office and people are walking down the hall. And so I think women are really feeling that tension of this lifestyle works. For me, I enjoy it cuz I experience fewer microaggressions and I also have to figure out how to continue to, , be seen in the roles that I want to play. And so for women, I, I tell themselves to use the best. That we all learned during the pandemic, and that's this. And I always, I ask you as the listener, how often did you say, Hey, you're on mute. When we were all fumbling trying to get on virtual technology back in 2020 and everybody laughs. They're like, Oh my gosh, I've said you're on mute, probably, , a thousand times.

[00:13:34] And so I actually say, Are you on mute? Is a really helpful self-coaching question because I think lots of times we've just kind of kept ourselves on mute because you can sit and you can be on a Zoom call, and so as a self-coaching question for you, someone's who's really thinking about how do I make that shift of being, seen at home or in the office is what are all the ways that I could be on mute. And how do I need to unmute myself? And in the book, I give them a series of questions. Things like, , how often do I have an idea? But I, I don't share it because, , I'm nervous how people will react. , how often do I want to give challenging feedback, but I'm concerned how I will make someone else feel.

[00:14:12] how often do I. Stay silent because I'm the only woman in the room. How often do I withhold what I really think or what I really feel? Because I don't wanna be seen as a complainer. And so there's some, there's a, like a little self assessment in the book, but I think it's really asking ourselves, , in what ways have we continued to put ourselves on mute? And how do I need to adapt to my approach and alignment with my values, so that I can continue to reach the goals that I want. It's not perfect though. Like let's just be honest, this is messy still and I just want to leave space that I think we're all still trying to figure this out. So I think it's important for us as women to continue to build that community and share best practices of what's working for us as we're learning and going through this weird time of, am I in the office, out of the office, hybrid, et cetera. 

[00:14:55] JJ Digeronimo: Those are amazing tips, and I think some of the things that you say are so digestible, such great little nuggets that women can ask themselves, like, how expensive is it for me not to say, Anything, You know, what's a brave step I can take and am I on mute? I think all of those three, among many others that you've mentioned are so tactical and effective because it really gives women permission to challenge themselves in a healthy way, but also recognize that the environment in which they may be working. Can be challenging in ways that we haven't talked about yet, which is why they can reach out to you directly, Kelly, cuz I think you bring such wisdom for women, especially women in male dominated fields, to help them maneuver the landscape so that each woman can say, you know, that's great advice.

[00:15:43] This is what's happening to me. Can you help me? And I think for anyone listening, you can reach Kelly Thompson on almost every platform. Kelly, what website should they go to or how should they find you online?

[00:15:54] Kelli Thompson: You know the website that you can find me at is Kelly Ray thompson.com. And I'm Kelly with an i r a e thompson.com. There you can find my book, you can find my programs, you can find all my social handles. The two places I love to hang out the most though are Instagram and LinkedIn. So I'm at Instagram at Kelly Ray Thompson and LinkedIn at slash LinkedIn, Kelly Ray Thompson. So yeah, I'd love to hear from you.

[00:16:15] JJ Digeronimo: I love that because , you shared so. Few nuggets in such a short amount of time that are incredibly powerful. So for those of you that know you to are struggling with self-doubt and self-talk, which I know all of us are, whether we wanna admit it at all. , or maybe just admit it a little bit.

[00:16:31] I think having tools that can really help you identify it and push through it appropriately, , is really the best gift you can give yourself going into the new year. So, hopefully you'll all pick up a copy of Kelly's new book, Closing the Confidence Gap, and reach out to her with specific questions or follow her on LinkedIn.

[00:16:49] She often has videos online and things that really create. Great wisdom for so many women like us that wanna have more influence and impact, but sometimes just need a few tools and techniques to do it. So, Kelly, with that, do you have any closing remarks or anything that you wanna finish on?

[00:17:06] Kelli Thompson: Yeah, I just really want to, again, just normalize how normal it is to do really great things while also feeling incredibly uncomfortable. And , if you're listening today, I know it can be really tempting to have yourself talk in your head. And just feel all those really hard feelings of doubt and worry and anxiety that come with it and you can go on to give a great presentation, speak up, use your voice while also feeling discomfort. It's those little, like you said, small, brave steps that help, create confidence as a side effect when we take action, even when we're feeling a little nervous. So that's my one message

[00:17:40] JJ Digeronimo: That is perfect. That is perfect. Thank you, Kelly for joining us, and we look forward to following your 

[00:17:44] Kelli Thompson: work 

[00:17:44] work 

[00:17:44] thank you so much for having me.