Real Talk with Anthony Smith about Self-Discovery

In this candid  episode of The Self-Growth Train Podcast, I talk with my friend Anthony Smith about the profound journey of self-discovery and personal growth. We shares our own experiences and insights from our personal explorations. Anthony emphasizes the importance of breaking down barriers, confronting challenges, and embracing vulnerability as crucial steps toward achieving personal growth and self-realization.

The episode explores various key themes, including the significance of self-discovery in leading a purpose-driven life, Anthony's personal journey of uncovering his authentic self and the invaluable lessons learned along the way, practical strategies for embarking on one's own path of self-discovery, the role of vulnerability and authenticity in nurturing meaningful connections with others, and how self-discovery can serve as a catalyst for positive change across different aspects of life. Whether listeners are actively pursuing self-discovery, seeking to deepen their understanding of authenticity, or in search of guidance for their personal growth journey, this episode delivers valuable insights and heartfelt wisdom. Our dedication to authenticity and self-discovery serves as an inspiring call to embrace one's true self and embark on a transformative path of self-realization. Tune in to The Self-Growth Train Podcast for this candid and introspective talk with Anthony Smith, and empower yourself to unlock your potential for a more authentic and fulfilling life.

Resources Used Today:
Self-Discovery
How To Begin Your Self-Discovery Journey
How to Find Yourself When You Are Feeling Lost
Ready, Set, journal! 64 Journaling prompts for Self-Discovery

Transcript

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 0:07

Hello, my dear passengers, and welcome aboard the self-growth train, a podcast that combines personal stories, opinions and research in order to better guide you through your self-growth journey. My name is Frances Maria Rivera-Pacheco and I am your tour guide. First, I just want to say thank you for tuning back in for the final episode of season number six. I know, I know, I know I am so excited because season number seven it's going to be so much better. But having season number six end, it's kind of like a bittersweet moment, just because I have learned so much this year, both in my personal life and also about podcasting, that I don't know. It's been a year of a lot of hurt, a lot of happiness, a lot of mistakes and a lot of growing, so it's going to be interesting to see what season seven or the year 2024 brings.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:14

Well, without further ado, here's today's episode. Stay tuned. And today I am here with one of my best friends. I love him so, so, so, so, so, so much. He's been in the podcast before only once, but also on an archive episode. Welcome back, anthony Smith Jr.

Anthony Smith: 1:35

Hi, thanks for having me again. I'm excited.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:39

I'm so excited that we can talk all the time.

Anthony Smith: 1:45

Oh yeah, because last time we didn't have that and hopefully the audio is better. That's why I have this little setup. If I start shining, I had to tape my back to my face. I just I love it.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:58

I love the commitment to be here. I really, really love the commitment to be here. And you know what I like it. It's a Luke. It's definitely a questionable Luke, but I stand by it.

Anthony Smith: 2:11

I was like who's Luke? But okay, I got it now.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 2:15

It's my accent.

Anthony Smith: 2:16

No, you're doing like L-E-W-K-L-U-K.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 2:19

Well, I was trying. I was trying. That's kind of like okay, wait, okay. Completely has nothing to do with the podcast, but I'm still going to talk about it. You know, my accent is very, very thick, so I was trying to say W-O-R-L-D.

Anthony Smith: 2:38

World yeah.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 2:39

But I keep saying world. I'm like oh yeah, and the world. And LaShon was helping me with some of my lines for the play and it was like you need to say the D, you need to say the D, oh no, and I was like LaShon, I can't do it Like I keep trying, so I'm just like world.

Anthony Smith: 3:05

Yeah, I have to say D, you have to like, bring your teeth together. Duh, duh. It's so difficult.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 3:13

And, like you, would think that with Shakespeare that would be the least of my worries. It would actually be like the T-H's, but no, it's the D. The D is my worry.

Anthony Smith: 3:24

Yeah, well, speaking of theater stuff, I think the play that I just got cast in I think that I'm supposed to be French Interesting. You know, they don't like pronounce their T-H's as T-H. In English it's like a Z or S, and so like that's gonna be my issue.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 3:46

I can't wait to see you in theater again. Okay, let's get to the podcast, because we're just going to go all over the place. Okay, so, anthony, today's topic is going to be self-discovery. I think that 2023 has definitely forced the both of us to do a lot of self-discovery. So, before we jump into how it has forced us, or what we have learned, or whatever, first things first. How do you personally define self-discovery?

Anthony Smith: 4:18

I'd say like self-discovery is discovering yourself. Wow, I know it's deep. I think that like it's like kind of an unconventional definition because you think like it's something that simple, but honestly I think it's like stepping out of your comfort zone because, like something I learned this year is like your comfort zone doesn't always mean like safe or good, just like what you're used to, and that's not always great. So it's getting out of that comfort zone and like try new things and like seeing what sticks and like what you really relate to and kind of vibe with. So I think that's my definition of self-discovery.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 5:04

Love it. Well. Self-discovery is defined by the Oxford Learning Dictionary. I know it's a different one, but it's defined as the process of understanding more about yourself in order to make yourself happier. Love that definition because it wasn't like, okay, it's just about learning about yourself. It was like no, you're learning about yourself to make yourself happier, yeah.

Anthony Smith: 5:30

That's probably the biggest keyword to take away from that, I think, because you can do stuff all you want to, but you know you've got to have a goal to like self-discovery, and I think that is the goal is to be happier. You know it's hard to define that, sometimes like what's happy, like you know, like what makes you happy.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 5:51

I think that happy is so subjective and it's also so it changes so fast, because sometimes I'm very happy and sometimes I'm mad, like, literally, like I switch back and forth, back and forth and like I got tested. I'm not bipolar, but like, sometimes I feel like I am Like because of how, like, but then, because I've talked to my psychiatrist, slash psychologist about this right and I'm like, listen, are we sure that we're diagnosing me correctly? Because, like, sometimes and they're like, yeah, like, there's a lot of symptoms that go into this is not just changing moods, like that's not the only thing. But going back to it's like happiness can be like an instant. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to be like a whole mood for like weeks and months on end. And, like my mom, she always says this and like I get annoyed when she says it.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 6:43

But like, honestly, recently I've started to see the value in it, because I'm like I just want to be happy and she's just like, happiness leaves happiness you can't control, and I'm like, okay, but like why you got to be so negative? And it's just like, instead of focusing on being happy, focus on being peaceful. Because if you have peace, then regardless of whether you have happiness or not, like you're going to be content. And again, at first I was very annoyed by that and then, like now, after everything that has happened this year, I'm like you know what? She's not around.

Anthony Smith: 7:22

Yeah, and I think something that's kind of I feel like my mom's kind of said the same thing. Like you know, like you're looking for like peace and like joy, I guess, like because you're not always going to be happy but you can still find like joy and things. And another thing that I like, because I've been doing a lot of talking about self discovery. I've been doing a lot of like reading and like listening to podcasts and like audio books and like all this stuff. And I don't know where I heard it. So like sorry, I don't have the citation, but something that I heard was like you know, you have these, you have like this base line, and up here is happy and down here is like depressed, like, so that means that you're going to, you know, ebb and flow, like a sound wave or whatever, like you're a heartbeat, like you're not always going to be on that one line, because if you're on, you know if you're on that one line like your heartbeat, like that means you're dead, you know so you have to.

Anthony Smith: 8:23

You have to have those like peaks and valleys, to like know you're alive. You know what I mean, Like you gotta love the metaphor.

Anthony Smith: 8:29

Yeah, thanks, it just came up with it. But you know you have to like go through the bad stuff, like to go back up to the good stuff, and then it kind of levels out where you're just like, oh, here I am, you know, I'm existing, and that's a hard place to be sometimes. That was me Probably like last night, like I like had all these plans for this weekend and I was like, oh, all this stuff's going to happen and I was booked and then, like I did like record the monologue to get a short film and like to get it, they went with somebody else and so I was like, well, now my Sunday is free. And then my friend was like, oh, we're going to go see this play. And then I looked online and like all the tickets are sold out and I was like, guess, I'm not doing this either.

Anthony Smith: 9:07

So you know, my my weekend was like freed up and it was just this time alone for me. And you know that's good to an extent, having a long time in meantime, like that's a good way to find yourself. But also like it wasn't like I was super happy, like you know, christmas shopping for five hours because that was stressful, but I also like wasn't mad about it or sad, you know, it was just kind of this. Like you know, here I am doing my thing and it's fine, you know. So I think that's. I think people need to accept that that's like a place that we usually should be.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 9:42

I love that you talked about alone time because, like, this is the year where I've spent the most alone time.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 9:48

Some of it has been on purpose, some of it has not been on purpose and like I'm still struggling with it.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 9:53

Like I remember, when I was going to therapy, my therapist were, like why do you need to do things constantly? And I'm like because, if not, like I have all these thoughts and all of this anxiety in my body, like I just I need to do things, I need to be around people, and I'm still learning the value of alone time. It's just something that I'm not used to, like. It makes me feel very lonely, and I know that there's a difference between feeling alone and feeling lonely, like, when I'm alone, unless I am working on podcast stuff, unless I am doing things that are being productive in terms of like school or like a job, if I'm alone just by myself reading a book, I'm more than likely going to go to bed, because I'm like I feel way too lonely and I don't want to be doing this right now. Now, with the exception of Korean dramas, because those I will stay up and like be by myself, but sometimes I just, I really want to share that with somebody else.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 10:56

You know like it's like it's fun to do things by yourself, and I can do them by myself. I just don't for it. I just I'm a very community driven people. So I'm like, hey, mom, you want to sit and watch this? And she'll say no, and I'm like then I guess sleep it is.

Anthony Smith: 11:13

Yeah, and that's I mean. You know there are different ways to deal with it. So you know people do that sleep and whatever I like. Last weekend I wanted to go see the Renaissance movie and it was like last minute like I had something to do that night so I could go to.

Anthony Smith: 11:32

A later show is at like 12 and it was like probably 11 o'clock and I was like nobody that I'm going to call is going to be able to like get ready, drive here and like be here for this at 12 o'clock. So I was like customers to my by myself and you know I did find myself during it like being like, oh, it would be fun, like if somebody was here, you know, and we could like talk about that thing or, like you know, mention it or whatever. But honestly, like I I still had a good time because I was over here in my seat like vibing and dancing and like singing along and so like I wasn't annoying anybody. So that was great, but maybe that people like whatever. But I mean it was, it was a fun experience, even though I was by myself. Like I didn't, I wasn't like mad about it, you know, like that's fun you know talking about that.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 12:16

I used to do that when I lived in Puerto Rico. I would go there's this theater and it's called the fine arts and they would bring movies like foreign movies, and I would go by myself and I was like I want to watch something that is not Hollywood and I would go and I will watch like a lot of times it was Spanish movies or French movies, like those were the main ones that I would watch it and I loved it. But like the first couple of times that I would have on myself like again, like it's that mentality of like oh no, what am I doing on myself, and I think, like society puts such a big pressure and kind of quote unquote, we're around someone that spends times by themselves doing usually social things. But so, for example, like last night I called you because I wanted to go to dinner and I was just like I don't want to be alone, I don't want to be alone, and I was like it's literally just eating, like what is the difference? Like it's just I don't need you to feed me, I can do that by myself.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 13:25

So I ended up having to leave the place because it was a long, long way and I was really hungry and then I just went across the street and I sat down and I read the first chapter of one of the books that I'm reading for the podcast and I was like this is news. Why was I freaking out Like this is, this is not thing out of this world. And I'm discovering this about myself every day, that like, the more I push myself to be doing these things that are giving me like anxiety, the more comfortable I get with them. Like I'm not saying on the first try, but I'm just saying like little by little. I'm like you know what, Sitting down by myself reading a book is not a bad thing.

Anthony Smith: 14:04

I was going to make that, you know, connection to, I guess, is like some, for some reason, everybody thinks like, yeah, it's weird if you're in a restaurant by yourself and everybody's like you feel like people are looking at you and be like, oh, are they alone? You know, but, like you said, like I'm just I would be doing this if I was like at home too, so like, or like I go through a drive through, what's the difference of me, like you know, doing that and just sitting here? So you know, and I see people that like, I saw a girl yesterday while I was shopping and she was just like sitting by herself at this little like cafe, like I went and got coffee but she was there doing her thing on her computer, like doing whatever, and it was like chillin. You know, sometimes I really need days like that, like there.

Anthony Smith: 14:43

You know, have been times in my life where I felt like I've been way too like, like too much around somebody and like people in my life, you know, and sometimes you really just need that time to just like be away and be gone and, like you know, as much as I don't necessarily, like you know, going to like brunch or something on a weekend. You know, like that doesn't sound like a fun, like a long activity, but you know I've done that too just like go by someplace that you really enjoy and like, and you're like you know what I love this place, this food is really good, Like I'm having a good time. You know, I think that you find a lot of value in that. And like finding things that you can do by yourself. That like makes you feel like you're not alone or lonely. You know what I mean, Even if you might be.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 15:29

I mean, like you said, even if you might be like again, it's a process. So even if I might feel lonely, like at the same time I push in myself to do it Like at some point I'm going to stop feeling lonely. And even like last night I got so enthralled in the book that I was like it's a good thing nobody's here, because I will be annoyed if they're trying to talk to me while I'm like getting into this book. So you know what I am learning. This year has taught me in my self discovery that I need time to be alone so I can focus on my goals. Because I don't know about you. I mean, I do know because I know you personally and you're one of my best friends. But I'm saying, like you, my dear passengers, I give a lot of myself to everything and everyone around me, and it's a 24 7366 365 per year because sometimes there's one extra day. So I'm just going to say like whatever the week here is.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 16:32

I have no idea what the next one is, but yeah, so it's like, because now there are certain things in my life that are no longer what is it like? Relevant or are no longer true. Now I'm finding myself more alone than ever. So like, for example, as you know, I used to be in a relationship. We broke up.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 16:54

Okay, well, I'm alone in the romantic aspect, in terms of friendships. I lost so many friends this past year, not to death, but just like they weren't good for me and I wasn't good for them. Point blank, period. Like that's just like how life is. But because some of these people, like I, used to see all the time and hang out with all the time, it becomes difficult. Because then you're like oh my gosh, isn't me Jesus, or is it just that? Like you redirecting me to something better? And like that's the thing.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 17:26

Like even like as much as I can talk about feeling alone and feeling lonely this year, I would also say that, again, I believe in God. So for me, god has been bringing me new people that are aligning with my values, are aligning with my mentality. I don't feel like I have to hide myself. I don't feel like I'm being a lot, like I'm just being myself. Obviously, this is not any shade towards you, but I'm saying, like a lot of the people that left my life, it's because I'm too much. Well, according to them, I'm too much and I'm like yeah, I'm an intense person, but I'm also like not to brag. I'm also really good. So it's like I don't know, like I'm not perfect, but some of the things that you find me being like too much, I'm like really, because, like the things that you find there are too much is like I'm just confident in myself and you're not. That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.

Anthony Smith: 18:29

One thing that I've like kind of figured out about, I guess, like things recently, is like well, especially even with like you brought up the dating thing and that you know that whole aspect like it sucks to be, like you know, rejected by somebody this is like kind of it sounds like it's like off off the wall, but I'll get back to it. It's. You know it sucks to be like rejected by somebody, or even, like your friends you know, saying you're too much. It goes for that too. Like it sucks. Feeling like you know you're rejected by somebody or that people don't like you, but like a lot of the times you like have to realize that like it's really just a them problem. Like you know as much as you can, you know you should be like hopefully, like reflecting, like inside and being like okay, well, is there something that I did that probably wasn't great? Or like if I was, you know I wouldn't say too much, but like is there something I did wrong? You know, to make them feel that way, like that's healthy. But you know, a lot of times I I'm such an overthinker, like everything in my life, like I think way too much about, and then I go to like the worst case scenario. And then I'm just like constantly questioning everything and then I just it kind of makes me like freeze, you know, with like anxiety, almost, like I don't do things because I'm thinking too much about it. So a lot of times I'm like, oh, I did this and I pushed him away and I was like this and I should do that. And you know, a lot of the times we have to realize like everybody else is their own person and they have stuff going on in their lives too. And it could be the fact that, like, maybe they have stuff going on in their life and like maybe you reminded them of somebody you know who they are good with right now. You know, like maybe they don't talk to their parents and you remind them of, like your mom, their mom or whatever, so that's like triggering for them. You know there's, there's stuff going on in everybody's life and sometimes you just got to say, like you know, I know that I'm doing the best that I can and I don't see where I did anything wrong in that situation and like it's just a them thing. You know, like, even like the rejection thing, like you know, if somebody recently, I like basically had somebody who like talked to me for a while and then they like went quiet and then now I found out they're like with somebody else and you know that sucks because you feel rejected but at the same time, like you know it's not, it's not necessarily me, it's just they, it's that other person they buy with other person better.

Anthony Smith: 21:01

You know there's you have to look at it from a different angle because if you keep, you know, talking down to yourself, like that's what you're going to keep doing, like whatever your habits are that you keep doing, like that becomes like your character. There's some quote about that and it's like you know, the things you do become habits. Habits become perfect, like character and that becomes your whole personality and whatever. So you know you have to really watch those like small things you do, even if they seem insignificant, like they're going to build up and I feel like, talking about this whole year in general, like that's kind of been my thing too is like okay, what are these things that I've done in my life for the past, however long, that have like gotten me to be this person?

Anthony Smith: 21:45

And like you know, to be quite honest, like sometimes I really don't like the person that I am and I'm like what can I do to change? And I think my big thing is like I'm going to take time and like change my whole life and everything's gonna be great, but like the real fact is like change doesn't happen that fast, like sometimes it does, and it seems like the change that happens fast is the one that you don't want, or like that isn't you know what I mean. Like like oh, I you know what this is an extreme. But like okay, I got kicked out of my house, or something like that's a really fast change that you don't want to happen. But it's like when you're trying to do the ones right, yeah.

Anthony Smith: 22:28

But the ones you're trying to like do for yourself, that are like the healthy ones, like those are really slow, progressive changes and like I'm an impatient person most of the time, so I want things to happen now, you know the facts I do.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 22:44

Oh my gosh, you're preaching to the choir With the grieving process, right. So I'm going to talk about my personal journey this year, the grieving process of going through a breakup, right, like they tell you. They tell you, grieving is not linear. But what I have been struggling with is like I get is not linear. But I needed to stop, like I, I needed to stop. Like that's it, like it's plain and simple, like last night I had a meltdown. Like, as I mentioned to you, like when I was like outside of before we started recording, I had a meltdown because I was like I'm doing good, I feel better, I feel better, and then, all of a sudden, I see my ex and or I read something that reminds me of my ex or something, and then, all of a sudden, I'm crying and then, all of a sudden, I'm angry and then, all of a sudden, I'm hurt and then, all of a sudden, I'm like well, no, like, move on from it. Like, be done with it For me.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 23:39

I, literally last night, I told one of my friends I was like sometimes, like I just want to look at God. It just be like I get a homie. But like I've already cried enough, like can I just give my yellow tulips? And like, call it a day, so give me my yellow tulips. Like I say yellow tulips because like that's my favorite flower. But I'm just like, give me my yellow tulips, I've cried enough to make them bloom and I'm done. Like I don't need any more lessons. I'm full of lessons this year. Let's come back two years from now and review Like I need a break. I need a break and like everything this year has felt so. It has felt so unsteady. Like it's like just when I think that I have my foot in the right place, boom, there's like something that comes right out of nowhere and I'm like what, what, what the fuck is going on? Like where is this coming from? And like, don't get me wrong, especially with this like spontaneous hospitalizations. Last surgery that happened very very recently.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 24:54

I know that I'm very blessed and I'm happy to be alive and I love the people that are in my life and I love the support that I get from those that love me. And I know I know that everything happens for a reason. But damn, slow it down, like it's been. Like it's been one thing after the like, last year losing half of my hearing, and then like being told you're not gonna walk, and then this year like just the breakup and then trying to finish college because I don't care about it anymore, but I'm just trying to finish so I can get that piece of paper. So when I go to the career, like places or job opportunities, they don't tell me like, oh well, actually you don't have a degree, so you don't know how to do this. It's like, no, I know how to do this, I've been doing this for the last 12, 13 years, but you guys won't give me a chance because I don't have this degree. So here it is, here's the paper.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 25:51

And then there's been wonderful things that have happened, like getting getting into theater, which I had never done, theater like yes, I teach acting and yes, I act and I direct and I produce, but acting on stage has been so healing for me and I talk about this on another episode that is coming up later on well, not later on, but like early next year on January 2nd but I talk about, like how theater has been very healing for me, and the reason that theater has been healing for me is that theater, by definition, is a performance, and they want you to perform, but also not only that. They want you to interpret a character the way that you feel is right. And so, because theater also allows you to exaggerate, I'm being able to be an even more exaggerated version of myself or and a person that is quote-unquote a lot, and to see the reception of my cast and crew and like the audience and then being like we love this, we love this for you, like let's, let's clap, clap, clap. It has given me that confidence to be like okay, I'm not this character.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 27:10

Obviously, this was like a very, very extra exaggerated version of a character that I'm playing, but if they love that character that was like at a thousand percent they can love me at my hundred percent, because my hundred percent is like not even one fourth of what I had just portrayed and they loved it. So it's giving me that kind of confidence of like going back to how like I used to be, which was like, yes, I'm loud, yes, I'm very bow-bacious, yes, I'm very like spontaneous, calling people randomly like, hey guys, I want to go to Disney tomorrow, and then some people can and some people can't. That's just how life is. But I want to go back to living life the way that I used to live it and I'm just. I'm happy that throughout this self-discovery, I am finding some of the old parts of myself that I still want to retain, because there's some other things that I'm like it's fine, that can stay with the old Francis, like I don't need that.

Anthony Smith: 28:11

But there's things that I'm like welcome back, girl, I miss you yeah, and that's a big like thing for me too, like I talking about like finding the old and new stuff.

Anthony Smith: 28:25

Like you know, there's definitely stuff that like I talked about, like you know, trying to find those like bad habits and fix them.

Anthony Smith: 28:31

But then like another big thing about, you know, learning about self-discovery and all this stuff is like inner child work and like that kind of healing and stuff. And you know it's it's finding these things that happen like way far back in your childhood and like kind of having to relive them. But then also you're there, like as an adult in this situation, being like I like I see that that happened and that really sucked, but like it's okay, I'm here and like I've got you, you know, and being there for yourself, and so like trying to do that to to get to a better place, is like a big thing that I've kind of struggled with because, honestly, it's hard to remember some of that stuff. You know, whether it's like I'm just have a terrible memory, which I do, or I've just like pushed that stuff down so far that I don't want to think about it, but I'm going all over the place because you talked about a lot of it's okay, this is how we are, so it's fine.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 29:22

This is maybe your passengers, exactly how we talk in real life yeah, no joke.

Anthony Smith: 29:28

And then we're like, wait, what do we say? But I've been I did the the theater thing too this year and you know I've acted in some stuff with you before and you know done some like videos and things like that and it I kind of just got thrown into it like I had a friend who was directing and was like I just need guys for this show, like we don't have enough, and I was like I think that I might be like great, you're in it, like, and just threw me in there and I was like, well dang, alright. So but I went and I was like you know, first day nervous, like I don't know these people and you know, if you know, you know me like I hate being around people. And if you ever do anything and invite extra people, I'm like who are they? What are they doing there? Why are they, you know?

Anthony Smith: 30:10

And so I was like it's hard for me sometimes to like be open to that, and so I but I went in and just so like even that part for me, like the going and not knowing who is gonna be there and what you're gonna get from these people and who they are, but then you like I have become like friends with all of these people.

Anthony Smith: 30:30

They were such good people, they had such great personalities, like they were just so like fun and, like you know, we just really vibed and almost every show we like went out afterwards and like ate food and still like weren't tired of being around each other because we just liked each other, you know, and like that's a really fun feeling and I don't know it's and even, like some of the people have, like we've stayed friends afterwards and we've like planned to hang out and do stuff and I think that part of it for the theater has been like really a big thing for me is because, like you know, I think I've gotten to this point in my life where, like I said, I just I get to a point where, you know, I like if it's not familiar, it's like okay, well, I don't want it, like I don't know who that person is, I don't want them to be there.

Anthony Smith: 31:14

You know, like I just get really and not because I'm, like you know, trying to be a jerk or anything, but it's just my like only anxiety and like having to let that go and then realizing that like it was so worth it, like pay off was so worth it. Great, loved it, like that was, that was awesome. So I think that you know that aspect of theater is definitely healing.

Anthony Smith: 31:36

I think that, like, like you said, to playing this character who you know, my like not that I've had any big parts, like it was like I mean no, no parts of shading yourself no, but I'm saying, like my thing is, like you know, when you're these big, like these big parts in these shows, you really have to like dig into who that character is and really like try to portray them.

Anthony Smith: 32:00

And, like you know, I didn't have to do that for you know, 80 pages of this play.

Anthony Smith: 32:05

Like I had like a couple lines or whatever, but I found, like it is kind of the, even though I'm not doing that, like even when I'm on the sides of the stage, like I have to be thinking about, like you know, how would this person, this character that I created because I don't have anything written down about who they are like how would they react to like this, these main characters doing stuff on stage and you're there too, like how am I gonna? And so it it almost seems like more of a job, you know, to come up and create this person and then, like you know, obviously a lot of that's just based off of like who you are as a person already, in your own experiences, and how like you would kind of do it. So, like you said, it's like you being extra and you know if these people can deal with me being that like extra and that, like, that exaggerated. You know person like then, okay, well, they're gonna like me, has just me, you know, not even like just watching you.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 33:02

I feel like it's also the celebrating you ask, like like I want to be celebrated, I want to be welcome, and like it's so funny because like I'm a little jealous of you because your cast is older so you guys can hang out afterwards. Most of my cast is children, but they're like suit was children or teenagers. They're like super cool and I love hanging out with them while on set and it has been like a wonderful experience. But, like you said, they've become part of like my little theater family and I love going to support them and I love telling them like wow, you did really well. Or like hey, I saw you on this other play, like I didn't know you could do this, like it's just it's so much fun to make those connections with people that are aligned exactly going back to that, people that are aligned with what you want to do, because I think that this year, for example, has been very big for me on.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 34:04

If I'm going to lose people, then the people that I meet I'm going to require you to be a certain way, because I am tired of having expectations of people or them having expectations of me that I know that I cannot meet and then still staying because I love them or because I don't want to be lonely or because I'm comfortable around them. So for me, right now, requirements for my friends, is that you have to be honest with me. I don't care if what you tell me hurts me Like, obviously, shoes, wisely, how to tell it to me, because I will snap back. But. But I still want you to tell me and I'm still going to appreciate it and I might not like it because I might not like what you got to tell me. But if you don't tell me and you feel a certain way, and then something happens and then I find out that you fell for a certain way, I'm going to be like then you weren't really watching out for me, you weren't.

Anthony Smith: 35:05

You were too scared.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 35:06

So I'm like, no, that's not a friend, that's somebody that is just there for a season or for, I don't know, maybe an episode.

Anthony Smith: 35:14

And that's how I mean. You know, as much as that sucks too, like that's, that's been kind of like the most like, that's been some of the most like. The biggest lessons that I've learned this year is like those people who like come in for that little bit of time, like, and aren't really there anymore. I'm like, okay, well, why was I like seeking their validation so much? Like, why, like, what did this person remind me of? Or like who are they? Or like what is it about them that like made me want to just feel accepted by them and like want to like put aside my you know my values and boundaries and things like that, just so they could be around me. Like like nobody's that great, you know. Like as terrible as that sounds.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 35:59

Like you should make a throat pillow. It's like nobody's that great.

Anthony Smith: 36:02

Nobody's that great. You know I'll work on it, but you can have it in the background of your, of your podcast. But I mean, you know, like you have to get to this point and it's so hard for me even saying this, I sound like a hypocrite. But you have to get to the point where you're like like I am, like I'm dope, like I'm so cool as a person, as I am, like what is it about these other people that I think are so much better than me? And like again, with the, with the acting thing, like I've had to do that.

Anthony Smith: 36:38

And you know, there is like the part in this play that I got I was like, oh, I did really goodness. Other one, Like everybody told me like I was great and that felt awesome and I loved that part. And, like you know, I'm going to like kill it. And then, like I get this new part and it's like here's a crusty old man and like that's the description and I have like 10 lines, you know, but it's like a step up and like it is something. It's not like a main character or whatever, but, like you know, I realized I got to put that work in. But you know, seeing, like, like that stuff's got to like bring you back down a little bit, but you have to just be okay with you. And like, also, like I said, the monologue thing, where you know I did that and I stayed up late like recording this monologue and I thought it was really good and I sent it to them and the guy was like, yeah, that's like, that was really good, I liked it, I'm going to show it to the other people, you know, and you see what we do. And then they get like I was like all right, cool. And then, like he texted me back later and said, well, we're just going to go with somebody else, but like you still did really good and like you know, there's things in the future that we could do blah, blah, blah.

Anthony Smith: 37:40

So, even if I didn't get that thing, like I still feel like I kind of made a connection there and I have to like as much as I could get down on myself about it and be like well, like you know, I mess this up or I'm terrible at acting or I'm, but you know this that like that would be like the old being doing that and I'm not saying that I don't still do that every now and then, like I still am hard on myself, but you know you have to. Kind of a thing that I've also learned this year is like, when I start doing that, like that overthinking and that like self negativity, like it's been easy, the healing isn't not ever doing that again. Like the point of doing that is like not ever having this stuff happen to you again. It's being able to like catch yourself and be like okay, true, like all right, like I, maybe something could have sucked about it and whatever. That's true, but like that's not the case.

Anthony Smith: 38:33

It could just be somebody fit this part better than you, or they looked like that person or like in their mind. You know it's not like again, like I said before, it's not always you Like you can't be putting this blame on yourself and that I'm saying that to everyone, but I'm really talking to me Like you can't put that, like that blame on yourself because it's it's just what these people see and envision and you just don't like fit. That that doesn't mean that you suck in here the worst, it just means somebody else like fit that vision better. You know, and that's been kind of a thing too. That's been healing for me, I think, is like not getting these parts.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 39:11

I think it's so great. Okay, because now I'm going to tell a true story and it also has to do with acting, because you just you were talking about like it doesn't fit their vision. So, true story this was back in 2020. I get the script to audition and in the description is that they wanted a woman, any ethnicity, and that was it. It was like a woman, any ethnicity. And then they gave the description.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 39:40

I did my audition and I was really proud of my audition, but I was like, okay, if I get it, I get it. If I don't get it, I don't get it. The point is, I didn't get it. I didn't take it personal until until I found out that the only reason that they went with the other actress was because, not because she was better than me, but because she was African American, and the director had always wanted an African American woman to play the lead or not the lead, but to play that character. Well, if that's the case, sir, you need to put that in the description, because when you say any ethnicity, that means any ethnicity.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 40:23

So that made me mad, because I'm like okay, if somebody is better than me, I don't mind it If somebody is more African American than me. I don't mind it, but if your specification you said any ethnicity and you said that the only thing was the woman, any ethnicity. And then you told me that I was the best audition but then that you went with the other person just because they were African American, then the problem is you, it's not me. Yeah, I got mad. I got a little mad, but I got mad Again. I got mad at not being told this ahead of time, because then I felt I wasted my time because I can't turn more African American overnight. I can't do that. I can't.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 41:14

And I also can't put makeup to do that because that will be blackface. So it's like, yeah, that would have been me just being like, well, you know what next role.

Anthony Smith: 41:24

Yeah, and I? It was funny because I, I don't know. I think my first reaction to things is like and how I've learned to just talk about stuff as complaining, which is one of those things that I'm working on, because, it's true, you know me and that's just how I bring up a topic of conversation. Sometimes I'm like, oh yeah, I did this thing, and I'm like, well, I didn't get it because, blah, blah, blah, blah, I'm terrible and I had to live.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 41:52

I love this. We love a self-aware moment. We love it.

Anthony Smith: 41:55

Yeah, like I said, trying to trying to work on that one, but I did that again, as I usually do at work, and one of the ladies is like, well, yeah, like you know you didn't get it, but like you still have that, you know recording and whatever, and you can put that in like a reel and like be able to, you know, do that. And I was like that's true, cause you know, this guy asked for a reel that I had and I was like I haven't put together a reel, like I haven't even been in that many things, so like I can't do anything. But you know, now I have that that I can add to it and it's like something else that you know. So it's like finding the positives and things, and you know that's tough.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 42:40

It's part of the process. We're learning, we're growing. Um, I wanted to talk to you about something that we've talked about I don't know if you've done it yet and it was about journaling. Did you do the shadow journal? Did you like finally buy it? Have you not bought it? What's going on with that?

Anthony Smith: 42:58

Yeah, so I bought it and I've heard a lot of things about like the positives and negatives about it and, like I don't know, you can't, like it's hard to believe things on the internet, so you kind of just have to like go with yourself.

Anthony Smith: 43:12

Yeah, and I like I have, um, I did buy it and I've only made it like halfway through, but it's it, no matter what kind of thing that you buy online. It's like a self-help thing and like, yeah, be careful, and kind of like, do your own research and stuff. But the one that I have, like it's just been asking like, okay, well, what are some things? It asks like really hard questions. It's like what are some things that you, you know, really like about yourself and what are some things that you don't like about yourself? And, like you know it, it tells you to get further into those things and try to find out, like, where that comes from.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 43:46

And you know it's like I don't mean to laugh at you, but you were like it asks some really hard questions and you're like like, what things you like about yourself? And I'm thinking over here like some hard questions like algebra, calculus. You're like, what things you like about yourself? And I'm like and that's really not that hard yeah.

Anthony Smith: 44:05

They really are trying to like solve a problem for NASA and they were just asking a lot more people. No, no, but like it's funny that like you're laughing about it because like that's a hard thing for like the, the like, what things don't you like? I was like, oh, list, list, list, list, list, list. But you know, the the thing that was like, what do you like about yourself? And I like like I'm nice, I guess, I don't know like that was the hard one for me and I was like okay, yeah, like that's all the time.

Anthony Smith: 44:35

So I'm like it was highly, you know, like that's something that is and there's like way more deep questions and it's like you know, things that you look for and other people involved. But yeah, that's one of the things that I'm doing kind of need to get back to it, but that I've been trying to do to figure all that out well, I haven't bought a shadow journal, I'm thinking about doing it.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 44:57

But Alana they give me for Christmas she got me this journal and it's called plan, pause and reflect and I've done it for three days and it's been really really nice. I really like it. It's set up very easy, honestly. So basically, on this left side you have you put what feelings you had for that day, so, for example, it's like grateful, calm, relaxed, higher, happy stress, that blah, blah, blah. Then you have like the daily affirmations, then over here you have a one word to leave my day and then you have the thoughts of the day and it gives you like some prompts to like help you get started and I really, really like it because it's like it's very to the point, it's very specific to the day and they do have a weekly review, but I get I'm on day three, so I'm like halfway through the week and I'm really, really, really enjoying it.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 45:53

But I was doing some research for this episode right and psych central, which is a website that has like a lot of different like psychology resources. They have and I'm gonna put it on the resources for this podcast episode description. They have 64 journaling prompts for self-discovery and I was reading some of them. None of them asked about what things I liked about myself, but good cuz I wasn't able to do it but there were some questions there that I was like, like it was like who are you?

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 46:30

and I'm like well, that's debatable.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 46:32

Like I just yeah that one is hard for me because it's very philosophical. They were like identifying things that I like I'm like okay, but like after you explain it it makes sense. Because like even during therapy, like what I used to be in the therapy program, it was funny because like they would say, like what are your good things? And I'd be sitting there and I'm like my good things are blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and then other people would really struggle and I'm like I just there's certain areas of my life that I'm very, very confident, and I know I'm still learning how to be more confident in other areas, but in the ones that I'm confident in, boy, I have no issues telling you this, this, this, yada, yada, yada, yada, you know. And then I also another thing that I did for this episode was that I found an article and it's called how to find yourself when you are feeling lost and it's by Dr Emma Medard and she's a clinical psychiatrist, clinical psychologist, based in UK, right, and I wanted to go through the steps and like get your opinion, like we're both gonna talk about this.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 47:40

So again, how to find yourself when you are feeling lost, and the six, six steps I can't count. So the first one is get to know where you are right now, without judgment. So she has this metaphor that I really, really liked where she was. Like you know when you are in your car and you're lost, and then you pick up the phone and then you put in like, then like an address, and it says loading, because it's trying to figure out where you are she was like that's that moment, like it's important for you to figure out where you're at in order to know where you're heading, and I was like metaphors I love a metaphor, that's such a good metaphor.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 48:26

Do you know where you are right now, though?

Anthony Smith: 48:29

lost.

Anthony Smith: 48:32

Yeah, no, I know that, I know that I'm, you know, somewhere in life, like no, I think I think that my thing is like a lot of knowing, like where you're at right now is knowing like where you've come from and like what got you to this point, and so that's kind of like my thing I'm going through is like a lot of because, like I grew up in church and stuff and so a lot of my like this self-discovery thing about you know me this year is like kind of figuring that whole thing out for myself and like you know, not like not to get all into it, but like you know I have to like recount, kind of rework and like figure out my relationship with like God and stuff like that and you know, and so that like that's been part of it.

Anthony Smith: 49:24

You know, finding out like what I want to like do with my life has been like a huge thing, so like trying to narrow that stuff down and that may be looking into the future. So right now I'm at this spot where, like I know that I am looking for something like bigger and like more meaningful and purposeful and whatever, but it's like I'm at that point where I'm just trying to like find out those things out. So I'm at like a very like learning, just like stagnant part of my life. But I say stagnant as in like I'm not making huge moves to like I know that I'm gonna be like a Broadway actor. I'm in New York like that's not. You know, I'm not doing that right now. I know that I need to be like in this place and figure this stuff out first before I make like a huge move so, and I agree, I feel like I'm in the same place that you're at, except I'm not as lost anymore.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 50:17

I think that, like July me was very lost, but December me, it's like I have my compass. I just don't know how to use it. So, wait, when you talked earlier I have to say this because I need to get this off my chest you started and you were like I'm lost and it's like I'm at this place where it's like where do I come from? And over here I was just like where do you go cut? And I yo yeah, that's.

Anthony Smith: 50:49

I haven't got to the cut-knit show. I'm still in the she come from, don't know where we're going wait, that's, that's how it was.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 50:56

It was like you said. Yes, I mean that part where it's like I I'm learning where I come from. I was like where do you go? I got and I yo well, I will get there. I will get there. I mean, I know the dance, so yeah there you go so number two is set some boundaries. How are you doing with that, by the way?

Anthony Smith: 51:19

yeah, the fact that you said the word boundary, I'm like, what does that mean? What's a boundary? No, that's, that's how I've been, that's how I've been like in I don't know, the past 29 years of life. Basically is, you know, like boundaries. I don't know what that even means. And it's true because I mean, just like you said, you go all the time and you're constantly like, yes, I'll go see your show, yes, I'll come over here, yes, I'll help you with this. Like you know, you say yes a lot to a lot of things and I do that too.

Anthony Smith: 51:51

Like it's hard to say no to people for me, but I think for you it's because you like do like to do that and you want to be supportive. And you know, maybe part of it is also the anxiety thing you're trying to hide from. But I think for me it's more of like a again bringing out the past stuff. Like for some reason, I have this like feeling of like I have to just like be the most helpful person I can be, because that's like what makes me like a good person, and like I really had to rework that. So, boundaries, that's what we're talking about.

Anthony Smith: 52:20

I got really sidetracked, so I think that that's something I'm starting to learn and like it's a struggle for me to put those in place and like hold the boundary, like I can figure out what it is and like what I think that I, you know need. But like actually being like nope, not gonna do that, like me saying no to somebody is like like gut wrenching sometimes, you know like, especially when it's somebody like family for me is a hard one and you know people that you really care about, like it's tough. But I will say that I have also put up boundaries and stuck to them this year.

Anthony Smith: 52:58

So like you know coming, but then I also have to deal with like, okay, well, you have a boundary, you said it, and like, once you hold it, like there's usually consequences to that, so you have to be okay with those two. You know me, that's gonna show that's the keyword, it's the consequences.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 53:17

Okay, so that's what I was gonna get at this year. I got better at defining my boundaries, establishing my boundaries and maintaining them right. Gotten better I'm not perfect at it, but I've gotten better. The problem is that I'm having is with those consequences, because that's the thing people think. It's just saying like hey, you can't talk to me like this and you say it. And that person talks to you and you say like hey, I said you can't talk to me like that.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 53:45

That's just you maintaining the boundary, you're not respecting your own boundary, because by then, at that point, you got to say the third time you do this, I'm a leaf. And then the third time that happens, if it happens, you leave. And the problem is that, hmm, with my mentality of like okay, but like we're all human and we all err and we all have, like, make mistakes, and I'm like, I'm like Hannah Montana sometimes, I'm just like everybody makes me say everybody has those days, everybody don't slept. What I'm talking about and it's like yeah, okay, but like that doesn't mean that it gives you an excuse to keep disrespecting my boundary. And that's what I'm learning. I'm learning to respect that boundary and give those consequences because you know what you deserve it, because you did this to yourself yep number three let go of criticism.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 54:41

How are we doing on that?

Anthony Smith: 54:41

line from myself or other people both because, well, what I, I think, what I I think my biggest criticism is on myself, even if I like think that it comes from other people or whatever. Like it's me putting that thought into the other person's head and then spinning it back out of their mouth to myself, like you know what I mean, like in my own head and and so like that to me yeah, like I don't, and I think that it's coming from them, because I'm thinking that's what they're thinking, but like I'm not.

Anthony Smith: 55:14

Like my therapist was like you know, you must be really tired being like a mind reader and like having everybody else's thoughts for the other time and I was like I know, I was like dang okay getting real today, but but it's true, like I do that so often and like I've learned that I need to just go to the person, talk to them and figure out the, the real team, because you know, because I will make up all kinds of stuff. Like you know, I've written scripts before. I can, like be a creative writer, I can come up with all kinds of stuff in my head, but it doesn't mean it's the right thing, so it's. It's a lot about trying not to mix up the criticism and then also, like I said, with the like not getting the parts that I wanted, type of thing, like.

Anthony Smith: 56:06

I think, I'm doing better, like initially, when it first hits, I'm like like it feels bad, but then I think I've been doing a better job of like catching it and reeling it back in and being like okay, but so yeah, well, now I got to go to the person and get the real team it's.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 56:29

You're still here for the drama, you're like no, I still want to know my thoughts, but I'm here for the tea, like I want to get the actual tea. I love that. I think that's on growth. Good job, that's on growth. Um, I'll say I'm. Hmm, I think that this year I've been more critical of people. Actually, like, I'm usually more critical of myself and there's still times that I've become critical of myself, but this year I'm throwing it back to people and it's not healthy either. So on that note, number four We'll get into that later.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 57:13

Yeah, that's what we can discuss after the episode, because, like that one I was thinking about when I was like doing the research and I was like, yeah, no, like I've been criticizing people way more and like I don't like it. But also that's on growth, because it's like I stopped criticizing myself as much. Now I'm doing it to people. I just have to really back in and like have like a balance. But you know what it's? Growth? On healthy growth, but still growth. Number four Reflect on your influence and choices.

Anthony Smith: 57:44

Choices.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 57:47

Influences though.

Anthony Smith: 57:50

Yeah, that was a big thing for me when I was a teacher. I really had to think about that, like, okay, I know how I want to act to these kids sometimes because they are driving me crazy and I'm gonna lose my mind in a couple seconds and like go off, but I really had to think about that. A lot is like you know what, what does that say to them and how does that affect them? If I do that and just don't check my emotions, because then it just it's like a double standard and they were like, okay, well, if he does it, I can do it too, and they'll just get worse and it escalates, you know. So like I feel like I haven't had it as much recently maybe in like a different way.

Anthony Smith: 58:36

But yeah, I definitely think that like I need to work on as far as, like, how I said earlier, I complain about everything and that's how I start off stuff. I think that like I see people who are like happy well, I say happy, but they're just like everything's fine, like life's great, like a bubble ball, like no matter what you say, and you're like okay, but doesn't this suck? And they're like whatever, but this part's great about it. And you're like, oh my god, just agree with me and just be like annoyed. You know like I'm the person's like, just say that it sucks, you know, but then, like, at the flip side, I also want to. I'm like, I want to be that person, like I want to be the person that like people are like why is he so?

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 59:17

like just like cheerful and like whatever, and just you know, like yeah, but at that point you're manipulating them though, which is fine, because I do the same thing. But I mean, I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, like, when you're trying to control how people perceive you and controlling, like, how you express yourself to people, um yeah, like it messes up with you honestly.

Anthony Smith: 59:42

Yeah, I mean, I get that.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 59:44

And it messes up with them, because then they're like, oh my gosh, wait one.

Anthony Smith: 59:49

Yeah, I thought you were this person like who's that?

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 59:52

Exactly. And then I don't know, for me I'm a teacher currently, or teacher tutor, coach, whatever. It depends on who you ask or what they and I think that for me, like you talked about, like the emotions and like a lot of the work that I do is in acting. So it's like emotions is something like very, very hardcore that we have to work on. So I try to be very vulnerable and very open and very honest and when somebody is annoying the shit out of me, I do to let them know. Obviously, I don't say it like that, but I'm like, listen, I need to step out because I don't have the patience to do this right now. And then you know it might sound mean, but I'm also like I don't want to blow up on a kid and have them had this perception of like oh, people can blow up on me or I can blow up on people. Also, I don't want to hurt their feelings. Like me saying I don't have the patience or I don't have the ability to do this right now is being honest like I don't, because there are times where they be trying you, like they be trying you and it's because they just want attention and I'm like I need to step into the bathroom. I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back. Or I'm like, please don't ask me the same thing again, because if you do, I might not be as receptive. Like I will word it differently. But I'm like, just don't try me. Like that's essentially what I'm trying to say. Don't try me.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:01:29

And then I also wanted to mention which you didn't talk about this, but like for me, the thing on my influence and choices. I again going back to like requiring people to be a certain way to be in my life. Now that also means that I got to act a certain way, that I'm requiring them to act, and it's putting that influence on myself. So, for example, one of the things that I noticed was that I used to be used to be not as much anymore, but I used to be very dependable in terms of, like I will say I'm there at 5 pm and I was there at 4.55, and then I don't know what happened all of a sudden, I'm like getting there late, all of a sudden I just don't want to be there. I keep canceling people. I'm like I became flaky I mean to be fair like I was depressed and whatever, but like. The point is that, like I was like I don't want that.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:02:23

So now I am consciously working on the same requirements that I am asking people to have, because I want to be a hypocrite and also because it's all about give and take or taking gift, depending on which one how you start the pattern. But for me, I want you to know the like, I want to be there and I want to support you. And, yeah, I'm human and I'm going to err and I'm gonna make mistakes, but when I do, I'm going to apologize and guess what? I'm gonna work on it. It's not just gonna be like I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm gonna work on this and this is how, and then I proceed to work on it and if I mess up again, I mess up again.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:03:03

But the point is like it's all a process, like I think that we need to start. This is a little tangent, but it doesn't matter, I'm gonna say it. I personally, right now, I'm tired of hearing the words I'm sorry, I don't like them, I don't like it. I know you're sorry. I mean, I hope that you're sorry. That's not what I want to hear. I want to hear I apologize and I'll do better, and this is how.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:03:31

That's what I'm expecting from people. I'm tired of hearing I'm sorry, because you know what I'm sorry does nothing. It does shit, nothing, nothing. It doesn't take back the past, like Carrie, who I've had on the podcast before. He used to say this thing and it was like homicide is still homicide, regardless of intent, and that for me has always been like so ingrained and I'm like it's true. Saying sorry, I'm sorry, doing something and then saying sorry, it doesn't matter whether you were sorry or not, it's the fact that you did it okay. So what are you going to do to prevent that from happening? Or what are you going to do to move forward? If you don't can't give me that, or if you don't want to give me that, then I don't want you my period which brings us to number five.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:04:19

Consider your values, which obviously I am very, very I know what my values are and I'm very secure in my values and I have no issues stating them. Do you feel the same?

Anthony Smith: 1:04:29

way. No, no, I mean, I like I do. I think that that's another part where, like you know, where I said, like the first question, like where? Like where are you at? You have to find out where you are. That's kind of another place of matters, like, along with like values, I mean boundaries and stuff. Yeah, I think that, like I was doing like a worksheet thing that was kind of based on that, but it was like what like values do you have? And then like what boundaries can you put in place based off those values, and so like a lot of that which I need to go back and look at. Yeah, but like what?

Anthony Smith: 1:05:09

you know, trying to try to figure that stuff out, like and a lot of my my thing is being wrapped up in like family identity and like that being a big thing even though, like, I don't see my family a whole lot because we like live a little bit further away but like and just in my own mind being like, well, what would they think of this or what would they. And I'm like I got a stop saying like what would other people think and start like being like what do I think, how do I feel and what are my values. So that's kind of where I'm at trying to figure that out.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:05:44

I love it. I'm excited to see you continue to grow. And then your values, because that's my favorite. I feel like once you have your values defined and you are able to know what they are and stand by them, you're unstoppable. So I'm ready to see you be unstoppable, baby. All right, number six. This is the last one, and that one is very simple, and this one we've both done, so we don't have to go over it, it's just try some new things which we did we were in theater.

Anthony Smith: 1:06:15

We were in local community theaters yeah, and that's like I was saying before, like that's kind of how you have to find who you are and like find what you like. And for me it's like a thing with the film stuff like I was talking about the other day and I was telling people like I don't really know like what I can offer, because I've done a little bit of everything, but I don't know like what specific thing that I'm like either a really good at or be really like doing, and so and I said that to somebody in there like why do you always do that and get down on yourself all about like you can do any of that stuff and I'm like okay.

Anthony Smith: 1:06:53

I get it, but I just yeah, yeah, I like and they do. I'm like that's what I do, no, but I, you know, like I'm trying to try to do like. Like the other day with the, the whole like didn't get the part in the film, but he was like, okay, well, I do visual effects but I'm doing like camera stuff on this and he's like can you do this and can you do that and like you know what kind of stuff and we can film things together to practice it, like he was being very like helpful and like super nice and so that was awesome. So, yeah, finding stuff like that the theater stuff's been really fun and I've done that before, but I was like 15 years ago, so doing it as an adult is like different, but it's fun. So I think there's a lot of other things that I want to like try doing what they are don't know yet, but do you remember where you were at in your self-growth journey two years ago?

Anthony Smith: 1:07:51

um, probably like the same thing no things like maybe a little bit.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:07:58

Yeah, definitely definitely well, we're going to review because I have here our first episode together, and I'm gonna go to the part where you talk about where you are in your self-growth journey. I hope that I picked the right part, so grow with me one second and one second. So today we talked about loyalty. Right, right now, at what stage of your self-growth do you think you are and where are you hoping to get, let's say, a year?

Anthony Smith: 1:08:40

from now there's a theme. So, yeah, I think like I don't like I feel like I kind of touched on it, but I feel like right now I'm at this like realization stage I guess, because I mean I'm like I've been aware that like I want to go from point A to point B, so, like you know, on this train, but look, I'm trying to keep it top, okay.

Anthony Smith: 1:09:04

So, like you know, I realize that there's a you know I'm on here, there's a place that I'm trying to get to. I feel like I'm on that just like realization thing where, like I, you know, just bought a ticket but like there's no like destination right now and there yet it's like one of those magical ones.

Anthony Smith: 1:09:19

So you get from like the how the polar express but, I, got you, but oh, hogwarts I think I said Howard but yeah, so I've got this like realization and it's I don't look basically like I just want to be able to put other things that aren't serving me like behind me, if that makes sense. Like you know, and a lot of it's like people that are known in my past, so I want to still have that in my life, that you know when I need it, but not have the opinions of that people have of me or whatever. Like have that up to such a high standard, like it's more about like me trying to get what I want and like, but doing it in a way that's not like self-serving and being selfish. It's more about, you know, doing this for me so that I can use that to help other people, if that makes sense, you know I mean it's like I said earlier, the balance, like I want to get better so that I can help other people around me get better.

Anthony Smith: 1:10:24

So how do you feel? Well, I think it's cool that you have that pulled up and I don't know, I feel like we're selling different people. It's crazy. But yeah, I think that I think that that was probably, you know, the point where I did have that realization and I was like something's got to, like give, like I gotta, I gotta do something, and so a lot has changed in that time, like there's been all kinds of stuff that's happened in my life and people who are you weren't in the same place.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:10:56

So where are you today, like where are you today in yourself growth journey and where are you trying to get?

Anthony Smith: 1:11:02

yeah. So from from that point of the like, realization, I think I'm at like the discovery phase and like. So I've gone from like realizing what I need to be, you know doing, into the like actually doing some of it and discovering. So like the finding out, like okay, well, like who am I and what do I want, what's like the direction I'm heading, and like you know. So I feel like talking about the train ticket, it's, it's slowly, like filling in the, the letters, but it's like not a full thing yet.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:11:33

It's really slow magic, you know that's love, love, love, love, love, love, we love.

Anthony Smith: 1:11:39

A good metaphor, yeah, uh glad I could bring that back around to you as well, anthony, thank you so so much for being here today.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:11:51

I hope you had fun. Like I said, this is gonna be the longest episode that I've had, but I just I love that I get to do this with you. Um, I always have such good chemistry with you. I mean, like, I hope so because we're best friends in real life.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:12:03

But, um, yeah, like I just I'm so happy you're in my life and I love you so much and I think that this new year is gonna bring us so many cool things, and I'm also so proud of you, like I love seeing you in theater and I can't wait to see your french accent, I think. I'm gonna bring you a baguette. I'm like you know how people bring like flowers and whatever.

Anthony Smith: 1:12:26

I'm gonna bring you a baguette, I'm just gonna be like here's your baguette yeah, get me in the in the mood, just put a beret on me and maybe a croissant.

Anthony Smith: 1:12:35

A baguette's hard to carry, oh, yeah, a croissant a croissant, uh, yeah, no, but I I texted you, I think yesterday about doing this because we were supposed to do it later this week instead of now, and then we figured it out. But I remember like just texting and being like I'm super excited about it, um, and I don't know. You skipped through the podcast a little bit earlier from the old one about like me wanting to start my own and I still haven't done that. We'll see if that happens, but it'll happen. Yeah, I think that it's like I don't know like you're doing this stuff and like sticking with it and stuff like inspires me to to do things. So, like you, yeah you're you're doing good stuff and I don't know it's really cool and I like it.

Anthony Smith: 1:13:17

So thank you, you make me blush that was my goal at the end was make you cry yes, of course.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:13:27

Well, you've listened to podcast episodes, so you should know what comes next. Right well, can I get a? Choo choo well, my dear passengers, the time has come for me to thank you once again for tuning back in for the last episode of the season.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:13:52

I hope you learned a lot this season. Um, trust me, I did like I mentioned earlier in the episode and I hope that if you haven't done this already, you go back to seasons one through six and listen to all of the episodes. Listen. Sometimes I get people that tell me, but you know, francis, none of the episodes really apply to me.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:14:16

You know what I tell them still listen to it, because you never know when they might apply to you or if there's somebody that you know that they might apply to. Because this year recently, it has been happening a lot that I get people saying you know, this episode didn't apply to me, but I sent this to so-and-so because they were going through it. And you know that is the purpose of the podcast. We just want to make sure that we let people know that they're not alone and that what they're feeling is valid and the spirit of the holidays.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:14:44

I wanted to ask y'all a big, big, big favor can you please go to Spotify or Apple podcast and write my podcast? Obviously I will really love, love, love, love a five star review. But if you don't think I deserve a five star review, I totally get it. Just please write three to four sentences letting me know why. Two to four, not three to four. Listen two to four sentences letting me know why.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:15:10

Because I want to improve.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:15:12

That is the purpose of this podcast, like I want all of us to get better, and the only way for me to know that is by listening to you, my dear passengers.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:15:21

So, please, when you get a chance, go ahead and rate this podcast and just give me your full honesty, because, trust me, I am really going to appreciate it. By the way, if you're not following me on social media, what are you waiting for? I have Instagram, tiktok, facebook and email, okay, which means that you can reach me at any of these four different channels and talk to me, like, dm me, tell me about what's going on in your life, tell me about your favorite episode, tell me about your least favorite episode, tell me about topics that you want to talk about that I haven't brought to the table yet, and let me tell you, there's a lot of them, because, guess what? Self-growth is very, very, very big, and, as I always sell self-growth as an endless journey to our self-improvement, however, you don't ever have to do it alone, so help me help you as always, all the resources used today have been added to the episode's description.

Frances Marie Rivera Pacheco: 1:16:15

Well, until the next step, your passengers safe travels bye.